Would you be worried or suspicious?

[miss-undastood]

Hi peoples. I thought I’d join and vent, since the posters around here seem to give sound advice, unlike other forums where their only answer is ‘dump him!’. I’ll try and keep this short, but ah, I know it won’t be.

 

Okie dokes. So here I am in an almost 17 month relationship (if you can call it that) and things have turned to crud. Almost two weeks ago my so-called fiancé delivered me that classic cop-out line ‘I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you anymore’. I should have seen it coming, since he’d been getting distant, and affection had become awkward.

 

It broke my poor little heart. He didn’t want to split though, he wanted to work things out, and ‘find what’s missing’. He was tearful and seemed genuine, so I agreed that we could work through things. We decided on some time apart so he could sort his head out. On Thursday (the 19th) he moved out of the house we share, and went back to his parents, where he is now living in a caravan.

 

When talking of reconciliation, sometimes he seems really positive, eg: “I reckon everything will work out for us” and other times when he mentions working things out, he seems so monotone, almost depressed. It’s like he doesn’t know what he wants.

 

He came and collected his car this Saturday just passed, to use it for the weekend, as it’s still in the garage here. I didn’t speak to him, I just watched him from inside the house. He returned the car late on Sunday night and left again.

 

Today I was in the garage grabbing some furniture for my brother. I noticed his car was full of junk-food wrappers. Granted, he had texted me on Sunday afternoon to say he was feeling sick from eating too much junk-food all weekend.

 

Here’s where things get weird. I opened his car door (he leaves it unlocked) to survey all the food wrappers, thinking ‘you pig’. His car STUNK of cigarette smoke. He’s not a smoker. There was an empty cigarette packet in there. Then I spotted something on the back seat: a neatly folded supermarket till receipt (printed 00:44am Sunday). I opened it up to find it was for energy drinks and… personal lubricant. The foil seal off the tube was also in his car.

 

In a shaking, hell hath no fury rage, I texted him and told him to explain himself. He told me that the cigarettes were from a dude he and his friend had given a ride to, he lit up in the car, much to his disgust. He then said he was so embarrassed, but the lubricant was for, uh, relief. He said his friend wasn’t with him at the time he purchased it. Ok, so where was he?!

 

He and his friend went to a Metal band gig on Saturday night (which rolled over into early Sunday morning) I had texted him at 1:30am, because he’d promised to text when he was home safe, and I’d woken to find no text. I must have dozed, and awoken at 2:15am to find still no text. I was concerned and texted him again. Five minutes later I get “Sorry, didn’t hear my phone. It’s just finished. It was awesome. On my way home, infact almost there.”

 

The timing is all out of whack. He would have had 1.5 hours between buying the lube and texting to say he was nearly home. Clearly he hadn’t ‘just left’ the gig… then in the next breath he says he’s almost home. It’s like, a 30km trip. He hasn’t explained where his friend went in that time, or how he got home, as I believe they went together. In one of his texts today, he told me I can believe what I want; but he said he was alone when he did it, and SWORE there was nobody else involved.

 

So, if you were me, what would you do? Believe him and try to reconcile, or just kick him straight to the curb? My mind is FULL of conflicting thoughts right now.

 

By the way, I thank you if you managed to read this whole post!

[mr.dream merchant]

Break up with him, I can tell you don't trust him.

[Adri Ana]

He is not ready for a serious relationship .

 

Do not waste your time or nerves on him .

[Island Girl]

Hi

 

I read the whole post.

 

The moment someone is on the fence about being with you your best course of action is to turn around and break up.

 

They are questioning your relationship and usually you against what they could have otherwise -- and I don't know about you -- but if someone doesn't consider themselves lucky to be with me and have what they have with me; if they are measuring me against what is elsewhere then they can hit the road immediately.

 

You seem to be like minded but he has got your head in a funk (like that car - blecht!).

 

Again when he said he loves you but doesn't know if he is in love with you then that is your big red flag to break it off right then. He has already halfway checked out of the relationship.

 

One of two things will happen.

 

1. He will wake up suddenly and realize he is making a huge mistake being without you. (This happens fairly quickly if the break up is immediate). At which point then he doesn't just get you *boom* right back but has to show effort for you and the relationship first.

 

2. The two of you will be broken up for good.

If this happens it was going to happen anyway and hanging on was just prolonging it and not enabling you to begin healing right away.

 

 

Pack up his stuf into his car and have him come pick it up.

 

No discussion, no pleading, no accommodations made for him.

 

The only thing you need to say is, "I am not about to be on hold why you try and figure out if you want a relationship with me or not. I was crazy just to entertain that thought. Come and get your car - all of your stuff is already in it. If you don't come and get it today, I will have it towed away tomorrow."

 

You can give him until the next day if he has valid logistical problems but I would not give him any longer than that.

[miss-undastood]

You seem to be like minded but he has got your head in a funk (like that car - blecht!)

 

He certainly does have my head in a funk, Island Girl. My emotions are going crazy over the course of each day. One minute I want to work things out and have everything go back to the way it used to be, before he started getting distant (which is, well, highly unlikely). Next minute I want to serve him his marching orders and a smack upside the head.

 

I could imagine him telling his whole family (and he has a huge immediate family, almost all of whom I've met) that I was the evil one in all this, and broke it off with him for no reason. Of course they'd be horrified because they all love me, especially his grandma. The dear old lady calls me her grand-daughter.

 

He has always maintained that he doesn't know where that 'in love' feeling disappeared to or why. When I sit and think really hard (and it hurts my brain, believe me!) there's been this skanky little toe-rag in the picture for probably the whole time he's been distant, and longer. Maybe 2+ months now. She works for a company that his company does work for. She started going to him when he came in, for advice on her flagging relationship - which is now over. She saw him as a big brother, and that quickly turned to more, until she admitted to him that she liked him. He came home and told me about it, but swore she would never be a threat to me, because she totally wasn't his type. Plus, he loved and cared about me too much to do something like that. This was all before he got distant. Even after he started getting distant, he still swore she wasn't a threat.

 

I had my suspicions as he kept hiding both his cell phones. If I picked one up, he'd wrestle me for it. Later, after things turned cruddy and he delivered me that 'line', he said he'd been texting his mother and best mate about his problems, and didn't want me to find out. Riiight. As for miss toe-rag, she has ambiguous things written on her bebo page. She's written that she "Likes spending time with that special someone, they know who they are". She's also moved him from number 9 to number two on her friends list.

 

He still maintains there's no other female involved in all this, he would never cheat on me as it's happened to him twice, and he 'knows' what it's like. He's told both his mother (who told me) and my mother that there's nobody else.

 

He went as far as telling my mother that I'm 'the best thing that's ever happened to him' and he doesn't want to break things off just yet, because he wants no regrets! What an a$$! Probably just because I cook and clean for him, and I'm there for when he wants a bit of 'fun' (which I could count on one hand, maybe two, times that's happened in the past two months... it's pretty much gone too)

 

To me that reads "I just wanna go out and screw around for a bit, and when I decide you were the best after all, I'll be back". I'm gaining the strength every day to give him the boot. I just holding off a little. I need cash because I'm out of work (though I'm desperately job hunting) and he takes care of bills, rent and groceries (although only rent and bills now that he's no longer there. I have to go to my parents place to eat) I've signed up for welfare today, but it'll be a few weeks before I start getting paid. I'm looking at getting a friend to move in with me and help pay rent.

 

Yup, getting a bit stronger every day.

[Island Girl]

I have a long reply in response but no time now -- will have more time a bit later -- just a little while

 

Yes stay strong!

[mr.dream merchant]

He certainly does have my head in a funk, Island Girl. My emotions are going crazy over the course of each day. One minute I want to work things out and have everything go back to the way it used to be, before he started getting distant (which is, well, highly unlikely). Next minute I want to serve him his marching orders and a smack upside the head.

 

I could imagine him telling his whole family (and he has a huge immediate family, almost all of whom I've met) that I was the evil one in all this, and broke it off with him for no reason. Of course they'd be horrified because they all love me, especially his grandma. The dear old lady calls me her grand-daughter.

 

He has always maintained that he doesn't know where that 'in love' feeling disappeared to or why. When I sit and think really hard (and it hurts my brain, believe me!) there's been this skanky little toe-rag in the picture for probably the whole time he's been distant, and longer. Maybe 2+ months now. She works for a company that his company does work for. She started going to him when he came in, for advice on her flagging relationship - which is now over. She saw him as a big brother, and that quickly turned to more, until she admitted to him that she liked him. He came home and told me about it, but swore she would never be a threat to me, because she totally wasn't his type. Plus, he loved and cared about me too much to do something like that. This was all before he got distant. Even after he started getting distant, he still swore she wasn't a threat.

 

I had my suspicions as he kept hiding both his cell phones. If I picked one up, he'd wrestle me for it. Later, after things turned cruddy and he delivered me that 'line', he said he'd been texting his mother and best mate about his problems, and didn't want me to find out. Riiight. As for miss toe-rag, she has ambiguous things written on her bebo page. She's written that she "Likes spending time with that special someone, they know who they are". She's also moved him from number 9 to number two on her friends list.

 

He still maintains there's no other female involved in all this, he would never cheat on me as it's happened to him twice, and he 'knows' what it's like. He's told both his mother (who told me) and my mother that there's nobody else.

 

He went as far as telling my mother that I'm 'the best thing that's ever happened to him' and he doesn't want to break things off just yet, because he wants no regrets! What an a$$! Probably just because I cook and clean for him, and I'm there for when he wants a bit of 'fun' (which I could count on one hand, maybe two, times that's happened in the past two months... it's pretty much gone too)

 

To me that reads "I just wanna go out and screw around for a bit, and when I decide you were the best after all, I'll be back". I'm gaining the strength every day to give him the boot. I just holding off a little. I need cash because I'm out of work (though I'm desperately job hunting) and he takes care of bills, rent and groceries (although only rent and bills now that he's no longer there. I have to go to my parents place to eat) I've signed up for welfare today, but it'll be a few weeks before I start getting paid. I'm looking at getting a friend to move in with me and help pay rent.

 

Yup, getting a bit stronger every day.

 

So you're using up his funds while plotting to kick him to the curb? Awesome.

[miss-undastood]

So you're using up his funds while plotting to kick him to the curb? Awesome.

 

Haha, that doesn't read too well, does it? Does that make me a good person or a bad person?

 

I spoke to my landlord about the situation, and I was told I could have two weeks off paying rent. That may be enough time to move a friend in, I'll have to get on the phone to some of them. I'll be pretty gutted if I can't get someone I know. I don't really wanna have to advertise for a flatmate.

 

Mr Loser is supposed to be coming over on Saturday to talk about things. No doubt he'll be typically disinterested, so I imagine I'll probably give him his marching orders then.

[Island Girl]

So you're using up his funds while plotting to kick him to the curb? Awesome.

 

Sorry but he is the one is keeping her hanging with the "I'm not sure what I want" bit.

 

He decides to be a jackass and because of that she is supposed to be suddenly homeless, etc.?

 

He is trying to keep his options open so that just in case he does want to come back it is all there waiting for him.

And he shouldn't pay for the privilege? Hmmm.

I disagree.

[Island Girl]

rewriting post

[hurt4life]

Sorry for your situation, I am in a mess of my own as well. As much as I would love to give you advice I am so lost myself that I don't know what to tell you. I would just suggest that you get all the facts and then follow your heart.

 

That is where I am at in my situation. Still trying to piece it all together. I understand your rage cuz i too went through that stage. Best of luck to you, sweetie.

[Island Girl]

He certainly does have my head in a funk, Island Girl. My emotions are going crazy over the course of each day. One minute I want to work things out and have everything go back to the way it used to be, before he started getting distant (which is, well, highly unlikely). Next minute I want to serve him his marching orders and a smack upside the head.

 

Yeah I know. Yuck.

 

But the funk started long ago. It just kept getting deeper.

 

My reply may seem a bit strong but I think you can take it and I think you already know most of it anyway.

 

Your emotions are trying to cloud the black and white with shades of gray. That is the funk.

 

I could imagine him telling his whole family (and he has a huge immediate family, almost all of whom I've met) that I was the evil one in all this, and broke it off with him for no reason. Of course they'd be horrified because they all love me, especially his grandma. The dear old lady calls me her grand-daughter.

 

What he says happened doesn't matter.

 

But if you want it to be clear you can solve that if you want to. If you'd like a suggestion to accomplish this - let me know.

 

He has always maintained that he doesn't know where that 'in love' feeling disappeared to or why. When I sit and think really hard (and it hurts my brain, believe me!) there's been this skanky little toe-rag in the picture for probably the whole time he's been distant, and longer. Maybe 2+ months now.

 

Uh oh. There you go. You are right on target.

 

She works for a company that his company does work for. She started going to him when he came in, for advice on her flagging relationship - which is now over.

 

That's how it starts. And how. She starts whining to him about everything that is wrong and what she is upset about. Getting him to empathize and sympathize with her. And then soon it is "You listen to me. You understand me. You are so wonderful." blah blah blah ego stroking.

And he likes the attention. Doesn't even know he is taking the bait.

He is a typical Dumbazz.

 

THIS is when you should have put your foot down.

 

This girl should have been pouring her heart out to her family or her friends. Anyone else but YOUR man.

 

She saw him as a big brother, and that quickly turned to more, until she admitted to him that she liked him.

 

She never saw him as a brother. She always thought he was attractive and always wanted a chance. Make no mistake about that.

She was in a failing relationship and was already looking for a replacement.

 

He came home and told me about it, but swore she would never be a threat to me, because she totally wasn't his type. Plus, he loved and cared about me too much to do something like that. This was all before he got distant. Even after he started getting distant, he still swore she wasn't a threat.

 

Yeah - well I have a few friends who can tell you how many times I have heard from all of them "he says he doesn't even like her" or "he says she isn't his type" or EVEN "he says she is disgusting" but who is it their men cheated on them with? Yeah you guessed it.

 

At that point he wasn't willing to lose what he had with you.

 

I had my suspicions as he kept hiding both his cell phones. If I picked one up, he'd wrestle me for it. Later, after things turned cruddy and he delivered me that 'line', he said he'd been texting his mother and best mate about his problems, and didn't want me to find out. Riiight.

 

Again, this was an opportunity to put an end to all of the mess.

 

It was an opportunity to draw a hard line in the sand and make him know what he is losing.

 

But he appeased you and got to play both sides of the fence.

Like putting your toes in a pool before you jump in.

He was playing around, liking the attention and ego boosting, not wanting to let that go away but all the while not wanting to lose you.

 

As for miss toe-rag, she has ambiguous things written on her bebo page. She's written that she "Likes spending time with that special someone, they know who they are". She's also moved him from number 9 to number two on her friends list.

 

You and I both know those messages are not ambiguous. There are too many smoke signals at this point and where there is smoke you can guarantee there is fire.

 

He still maintains there's no other female involved in all this, he would never cheat on me as it's happened to him twice, and he 'knows' what it's like. He's told both his mother (who told me) and my mother that there's nobody else.

 

Of course he did.

 

Do you think he is going to cop to it and possibly lose you forever when he is not sure he wants her like that?

And at the same time have his mother know he is being a snake in general let alone hurting you whom she likes? C'mon. He isn't going to fess up to her.

And YOUR mother? He is definitely not going to tell her the truth.

 

He went as far as telling my mother that I'm 'the best thing that's ever happened to him' and he doesn't want to break things off just yet, because he wants no regrets! What an a$$!

 

Because he knows you are a good girlfriend and Miss Thang may be a momentary fling. He definitely knows there is enough about her that his family won't like.

Doesn't sound like she is the kind you are proud to take home to Momma. And he definitely can't make a quick switch and not have everybody know he has been up to no good.

 

Probably just because I cook and clean for him, and I'm there for when he wants a bit of 'fun' (which I could count on one hand, maybe two, times that's happened in the past two months... it's pretty much gone too)

 

I doubt that is all. He was invested emotionally and in every way until he got caught up.

 

You are a dedicated good girlfriend. There aren't many of us around.

I think you just somehow for some reason lost track of how true that is.

When you got threatened (your relationship got threatened) you chose to put your head in the sand - cling to it and try to save it when the first course of action to accomplish that was to boot him quickly and without pretense.

Hard line ultimatum was the way to go.

 

And now you have been placed in a position where there is no ultimatum. You have to call it quits and if he decides to come back, he has to make a whole lot of effort so that, when you allow him to come back completely, you are stronger for this mess and he still respects you - in fact even more so.

 

To me that reads "I just wanna go out and screw around for a bit, and when I decide you were the best after all, I'll be back".

 

You know it. That is what it says exactly.

 

And everyday you put up with being measured up against the other possibility, you lose respect and credibility.

 

You better get your backbone and dignity together quickly my dear.

At this point there may still be something to salvage.

But if you continue to play the "Back Burner you-know-what" then your relationship will be unrecoverable. Then it won't matter.

 

I am not saying he definitely will come back. But your best chances are to cut everything off now and make him realize what he will be losing immediately.

 

I'm gaining the strength every day to give him the boot. I just holding off a little. I need cash because I'm out of work (though I'm desperately job hunting) and he takes care of bills, rent and groceries (although only rent and bills now that he's no longer there. I have to go to my parents place to eat) I've signed up for welfare today, but it'll be a few weeks before I start getting paid. I'm looking at getting a friend to move in with me and help pay rent.

 

I am sorry you are stuck. But you need to employ some quick resolve and get this handled immediately.

 

Yup, getting a bit stronger every day.

 

I hope so girl. Another woman who is a whore has her hooks in your man.

 

Mr Loser is supposed to be coming over on Saturday to talk about things. No doubt he'll be typically disinterested, so I imagine I'll probably give him his marching orders then.

 

Whether he is disinterested or NOT he needs marching orders.

 

Do not let him call the shots.

 

You need to call the shots for yourself, start dictating how you will and will not be treated, and make it clear you are a PRIMARY person and will not accept a SECONDARY position -- EVER.

Not even for a minute. That you were foolish to even entertain the thought.

[Mr. Lucky]

he moved out of the house we share, and went back to his parents, where he is now living in a caravan.

Is he hanging out with gypsies or living in a Chrysler minivan ???

 

While it all sounds plausible, he made himself the object of your suspicion through his inconsistent behavior. Give him the space he wants and move on with your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[miss-undastood]

Island Girl, I read through your post multiple times. I took a deep breath and texted him, and asked him to come round after the gym. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to find out. I kept my composure and delivered the news... that it was finished between us. He looked shocked, his eyes welled up a bit and he bowed his head. Didn't say a word.

 

I told him that I wanted to know if he'd been with anyone else during our relationship. He said "You want the honest truth? No, there's never been anyone else, and I made sure of that. I didn't want anyone else." He told me that he and skanky toe-rag are just friends, nothing more.

 

I also got a full explanation of events for Saturday night / Sunday morning. He said he didn't tell me the truth because he was driving drunk after the gig. He was ashamed of himself, and knew I'd be equally disappointed. To which I am - nothing ever condones drink driving.

 

I said "Why have you been hanging on to me?" He said it's because he truly does want to work things out - he just doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. He's not even sure WHAT he feels. I had given him some printed material on relationships and the 'stages' they go through. I asked if he'd read it. He said he had, and it made quite a bit of sense to him.

 

I told him we NEED communication to get through things, but it's something he finds so hard to do. I said "Because of the way you were brought up, you bottle everything up inside, and don't talk about things". He replied with "It wasn't the way I was brought up". I asked if it was to do with an ex-girlfriend. He said it wasn't. I thought for a minute, and then this horror filled my head. I said to him "Did something happen to you as a child? Were you abused when you were a child?"

 

He bowed his head further, and said "I wasn't abused by my parents". I asked if it was physical, emotional or sexual. He immediately and defensively said "I don't wanna talk about it". I asked if he'd ever tell me about it. He said no, he didn't want to talk about it. I said "Have you told anyone? Your mother? A counsellor?" He said "I don't remember". It obviously happened when he was quite young.

 

I'm thinking it can't be sexual, otherwise he would have had a lot of problems around the subject of sex - and like most males, he certainly hasn't. The only person that springs to mind is his grandfather (on his mother's side) who is now dead. He had a history of emotional and physical abuse towards his children, and also one of my partner's cousins; so it wouldn't surprise me if that extened to my partner and his brother too. He was also happy, almost relieved when his grandfather died. Not long before he died, he had wanted to take me to meet him. He said "I'd really like to sort things out with my grandfather, we haven't had the best realtionship". My gut feeling is telling me I'm probably right about this.

 

He asked if he could still come over on Saturday and talk about things. I told him it was ok. He said "I'd better get going". He was visibly upset, not crying but definitely teary eyed and glum. He gave me a hug and a peck on the lips, and left.

 

A little while after he left, I started regretting calling things off. All I want to do now is HELP him. I sent him a text, and said I'm not sure if I wanna call it off, his story broke my heart, and I want to help him - if he'll let me. No reply so far, but I don't blame him. This has probably brought up a lot of sh**ty memories for him.

 

I don't even know where to start now. But now that I've found out his dark little secret, everything is starting to make sense. It explains why he sounds so dead inside. It's no wonder his last few relationships have failed, and I'm obviously the first partner he's told about this, because surely the others would have tried to help too. Wow, my head is in a muddle all over again now, but for completely different reasons. This is a whole new can of worms. I've never experienced abuse before or know anyone who's suffered from it.

 

I'm very interested to see what he wants to talk about on Saturday now. I hope he opens up a bit more.

[Island Girl]

I am so sorry you had to find out the way you did. But I do not think it just would have come to light had you not done what you did.

You certainly got answers.

And that part is good.

You have exposed what seems to be the issue.

And that part is good.

 

So now he wants to talk Saturday.

 

You can tell him that you have been sitting with this information and you are absolutely willing to try to work through this together.

 

That you will help him find and individual counselor and set up the couples therapy as well. But you need to know he is willing to be honest and really work at fixing this so the two of you can get past this.

 

It is unfortunate that he has some issues. But I am certainly glad you did find out now.

 

If he is not willing to get outside help from a competent source who is familiar with his dilemma then I do feel for you if you decide to try on your own.

You are ill equipped as most of us are to deal with issues of this magnitude and he has no tools to help himself.

So unfortunately at that point the only thing you can do is be a friend, and friend only, if you can.

 

And do not count out sexual abuse because he has a comfortable sex life.

It isn't that cut and dry.

 

Again I am sorry you found out this way but I am glad you have enough information now to attempt at addressing a really big issue. And now, before marriage and possibly kids were part of the picture he decided to bolt from.

[mr.dream merchant]

Move out so the both of you can move on. Stop using up HIS money and HIS assets because you can't get crackin on finding ways to improve YOUR life.

[Island Girl]

Sometimes people reply without reading through the entire thread.

[bean1]

I know it goes against our female instincts, but I would strongly caution you from trying to help him. You cannot fix a broken man, and women who try to do this always end up shattered. He is a grown man and needs to face his issues himself. Men do not need a current/former romantic interest as a mother figure.

You said:

 

"All I want to do now is HELP him. I sent him a text, and said I'm not sure if I wanna call it off, his story broke my heart, and I want to help him - if he'll let me. No reply so far, but I don't blame him. This has probably brought up a lot of sh**ty memories for him."

[EllieBean]

I find it difficult to believe that a guy would go to a supermarket with his male friends at 12.44am, when they're all drunk and wanting to go home to bed, especially not to buy energy drinks and personal lubricant! He would never have lived it down if his friends saw him buying lubricant! I find it even more difficult to believe that he would have opened the lubricant while in the car, not even after he dropped his friends off - do you really think he sat in his car and jacked off with a handful of lube at 1am? Wouldn't he have taken the lubricant into his bedroom with him and opened it there?

 

Sorry, but he's been shagging someone else in the car, and the cigarettes probably belonged to that person too. If I were you I'd get rid of him, and definitely don't have sex with him again in case he caught a nasty STD from the other person (and if you had sex with him already, get yourself tested).

[miss-undastood]

The only person who's posted a single useful answer in this thread so far is Island Girl - and a big thank you right at ya. To the poster above - I said (in my last post) that I got a full explanation of events last night, and I believe him. He was alone at the time of the purchase. There wasn't, and never has been anyone else.

 

He also told me last night that it's no wonder I had those suspicions about him. He admitted his behaviour has been erratic over the last couple of weeks, and he's profoundly sorry for putting me through his bottled up emotions as well.

 

I'm proud of him for actually asking me if he could still come round on Saturday to talk. I see it as a little glimmer of hope, because this is the first time since he delivered me the 'not in love' line, that he's WANTEDto sit down and talk.

 

bean1: I find your post offensive. You insinuate that he's a lost cause, and I should just walk away and leave him in despair over his past. Maybe that's what you'd do in this situation, but not me. I am not, and do not intend to mother him. I am inviting him to open up more, and help get him into counselling (if he's willing to go) in an attempt to save our relationship. He's told me in the past he isn't the brightest spark, so no doubt he has NO IDEA where to even start looking for help.

 

And from what he said last night, I may well be the ONLY person he's ever told about this - if he doesn't remember telling anyone in the past.

[Island Girl]

There is a positive in all of this. That "funk" and anguish of not knowing which way is up seems to be gone. You seem to be a lot more grounded now.

 

I am glad you are talking. You were very upset and blaming yourself when he wouldn't answer so I am glad he finally did.

 

From the way he is acting I don't think he has told any one else ever either. And he definitely does not know how to begin to get his head around this and put it in perspective.

 

So he NEEDS counseling and will not be okay without it.

 

Try to find someone who is very familiar with this topic and also realize there are different avenues of therapy so you really need to interview your therapist.

He needs someone with whom he is comfortable but will not be a pushover.

 

I wish you the best with your talk on Saturday.

[miss-undastood]

There is a positive in all of this. That "funk" and anguish of not knowing which way is up seems to be gone. You seem to be a lot more grounded now.

 

Yeah I am. I truly believe this whole situation started because something has stressed him out, and it's stirred up all these emotions from the past. He's not the best at coping with stress, he doesn't find it easy to communicate - and I can see why. It's been years of repressing everything.

 

I know his job stresses him quite a bit. Over the past 6-8 weeks, he's been far busier than normal at work, and his day is usually filled with last minute jobs that none of the other guys will do. He's a bit of an easy target. As far as home life is concerned, planning our wedding was starting to stress him out. I told him I'd take care of things, and just consult him on decisions here and there. To top it all off, he's not well off financially, and has had his cousin asking if he can borrow money from him.

 

I wish you the best with your talk on Saturday.

 

Thanks hun. I've been doing a lot of searching today for counsellors in our area. There's one place I might try sending an enquiry to tomorrow. Turns out there's a counselling centre just a couple of streets away from here... nestled in this middle-class suburbia... who would've guessed! According to their site, they specialise in Counselling when it comes to Abuse, Trauma, Anxieties, Phobias and Relationships. They also deal in Sexual Abuse and Family Violence Counselling. It'd help if I knew what sort of abuse he suffered, so I'm hoping he'll shed some more light on that for me.

 

Thing is, he's sought help in the past before, but for different issues. He had anger problems in his mid-late teens (who knows, maybe caused by his past). He went to anger management class, which helped him greatly. He always said to me, right from early on in our relationship that he would NEVER, EVER do anything to hurt me. In our relationship I've only ever seen him get really angry (nothing to do with me) once. It made me uncomfortable, but when he saw that, he apologised.

 

I'm just hoping he'll do a lot of thinking between now and Saturday, and actually agree to get counselling, for the sake of our future. Just a couple of months ago he was his typical cheerful self, talking of children and looking forward to spending our lives together... *sigh*

[bean1]

Well, since I work in emergency services and social/mental health, I'm the last person who would tell you NOT to help a person. I am urging you to avoid trying to "save" him and your relationship (under the guise of helping him) as he must do that for himself. Men are not women. They like to do things for themselves and help themselves.

 

Or do you only hear what you want to hear? I got that impression from the opening line of your post. All advice is useless except Island Girl. I'm not sure what you want to hear? Counselling and therapy take people years, if ever, to solve their issues. I'm not sure you understand the reality of that?

[EllieBean]

I'm with bean1: you're only listening to what you want to hear. This guy has told you he's not in love with you any more, he became very distant and was hiding his cell phone, plus this other girl was into him and it was worrying enough that you became suspicious. Then he said he needed some space and actually moved out! Then you found cigarettes and lube in his car, and I stand by my earlier comment that nobody would open a bottle of lube in their car in the middle of the night just for some self-love, they would do it in the house. Plus he bought the lube at 12.44am and then told you the gig finished at around 2.30am, which clearly wasn't true. Of course, a few days later he's come up with an explanation: he was driving drunk. Of course, silly me - driving drunk explains why a guy would buy lube in the middle of the night, open it in his car, and lie to his gf about what time the gig finished!

 

He said he wasn't brought up to talk about things, but you were the one who suggested he might have been abused, he didn't confess anything to you and didn't even confirm your suggestion. Lovely, so you now feel sorry enough for him to forget the whole thing about him lying to you! Perhaps he doesn't remember because... um... it didn't happen? I think you would remember if you had counselling or talked about your sexual abuse with someone!

 

I'm afraid the whole thing sounds highly suspect to me, and you're getting all defensive because you don't want to hear that maybe, just maybe, he was having a bit on the side, and that's why he was hiding his phone and being distant, and that's why he doesn't love you any more, and that's why he was buying lube in the middle of the night. I'm out and won't be reading any further, because you're clearly going to ignore what's been going on, and it seems from your first post that you don't want to be told to dump him and really just want to be reassured that there's nothing to worry about, even if there clearly is.

[miss-undastood]

I wouldn't have been offended if you'd explained what you meant a little more clearly in your first post.

 

I'm going to help him, but saving the relationship is up to him, and he knows that. I've told him multiple times that I'm willing to work on things if he is - so the ball is totally in his court. If he decides he wants out, then that's the way life goes I guess.

 

I'm quite aware that counselling takes a long time... and I won't know the severity/frequency of the abuse until he speaks to me again. That is, if he chooses to speak about the subject further at all. I'm not him, so I can't guess what he's thinking... and to do so will only do my head in.