trying to resolve porn issue

[Brulee]

Okay, I admit, I am insecure. I hate that my fiance views porn when I am away. At first we looked together before getting intimate a few times - I was okay with that, also was slightly drunk...but when I saw that he looked on his own, even when getting plenty of sex with me, it made me insecure, made me feel like he was more likely to cheat. Some women are lucky and if they enjoy sex with their men, their men do not need to view porn, however in my case that is not so. I do not think he is addicted, but I think he just enjoys it. My insecurity tells me that this feeds his occasional wandering eye when we are out in public - I do think all men notice a good body, etc.. A year ago, he was noticing this really beautiful 20 year old in a store we were in- I noticed her too because she was honestly so stunning,, he went gaga and took her business card when taking the other salesmens' cards, even though it was not necessary as she had not helped him at all, and her card was the only one with a female name, and I saw a day or so later that he had looked up Mom and Daughter porn sites (he told me that she could have been my younger sister...when I let him know that his gaga behavior made me feel insecure and I noticed he took her business card, and I told him she let me know of her live in boyfriend through our short interaction and I knew she would have not interest in a man over twice her age... what was he thinking? and he threw out her business card, brought me a flowering plant and book, in a form of an apology...said he was never actually planning on contacting her.)

Anyway, since I blew up about the porn history, he has erased his history on his computer. Of course I should not even know this, but I snooped out of curiousity.

 

So I have created a bad situation. He will look at porn and hide it from me since I do not appreciate it. GREAT! I am now his mother, the police, big brother etc...

 

How can I fix this? I can't say, hey I look and see that you erase your browsing history, because I know you wouldn't actually give up porn out of respect for me. Then he will be angry I even looked at his history.

 

I want to give him the freedom, otherwise it will be just as easy to go out and cheat and simply hide it from me so it does not hurt me. I guess I created this situation.

 

Honestly men here, can a man view porn, masturbate to it, and still remain physically faithful to his wife? Please answer this as honestly as you can.

Also, how can I fix my situation without making it worse? Just tell him that I accept porn, of course I would like to look at porn featurning perfect men, and let him see it, and hopefully feel the sting of comparison a little, think that when we are out together in public that I am undressing all the men I see...Oh I know I am just insecure and immature..

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh, sweetie. I don't know if you can "fix it". Perhaps someone here has a good answer, and I'll be watching for that, but as you said, he did it before he realized you didn't like it, and now that he does realize that, he hides it.

 

The one thing he doesn't do, is stop it.

 

My husband does the porn thing too. I see you started right off saying you're "insecure". Bah! If every moment that your fiance was away you LEAPT with glee for pictures of much hotter men than he, he might magically become "insecure" too. I don't have a lot of answers for you but I wanted to say I support you and understand that this hurts.

 

Hugs and I hope you get some good answers soon.

[JackJack]

You will get alot of people here that will tell you, you're silly for feeling the way you do and to let it go, etc. You will alos get some here to tell you, that you have every right to feel the way you do.

 

What matters most, is how YOU feel about it. If its something you feel you can accept, fine. If not, then you don't need someone in your life that doesn't share the same views as you or at least respect them. Possibly you both could find some kind of compromise and middle ground on the issue?

[EllieBean]

Porn is sex, not love. I'm female and I like porn, but I'm not in love with the characters on-screen, I just enjoy the physical release of having some fun on my own. I fantasise about lots of things that I have no intention of ever doing - I sometimes think about famous actors, but I'm not exactly cheating on my boyfriend with Brad Pitt, am I? My sex life with my boyfriend is just fine thanks, but I still like to do it on my own sometimes, just for a quick thrill when I can't be bothered with a full session with my boyfriend - it doesn't mean I love him any less.

 

If your man likes porn and it really bothers you, that's fine and you're not being unreasonable, but perhaps he isn't the man for you. I wouldn't stop looking at porn even if my boyfriend asked me to, because I enjoy it. But please don't feel insecure just because you partner liks porn; this is in no way a reflection on you and it doesn't mean he loves you any less. Oh, and porn has nothing to do with cheating - just because I like to watch porn doesn't mean I'd cheat with a real live person, any more than swooning over Brad Pitt means I'd runn off with an actor.

[Brulee]

I should tell him that I cannot force my beliefs on him, that yes if given the choice I wish he respected me so much, that he would give it up, but since he feels differently than I, that I will try viewing it also, in order to better understand, that if I look at photos of other men in porn, that it will not mean that I will long for others and want to cheat on him, and I will see that it is not a threat to our relationship, and that it will not make him feel compared... I am certain that he will deny it bothering him in any way, but I wonder if perhaps it will get under his skin a bit. Are there pornsites for women with hot,young men in them?

[EllieBean]

Just because he doesn't want to stop looking at porn it doesn't mean he disrespects you. I have the greatest of respect for my partner, we just differ in that I enjoy porn and he enjoys just having fantasies when he does you-know-what on his own. He respects that I enjoy porn and doesn't get jealous over pixels on a screen, and I respect that he doesn't enjoy porn and I don't insist that he watches it. Just because we like different things it doesn't mean that we don't still have a loving and fulfilled relationship - we acknowledge our differences and respect each other's wishes.

 

If you're not into porn I don't see the point of you wanting to look at it, unless it's due to some misguided idea that he'll get jealous and realise how you feel, and perhaps stop looking at porn himself. As I said before, if you don't like him looking at porn then that's fine, but perhaps you should be with a man who doesn't want to watch porn rather than trying to change the man you've already got. He's an adult and is capable of making his own choices, so you either respect his choice to watch porn or date someone else. At the end of the day he isn't doing anything wrong, especially if he's faithful and loving in all other ways. To me it seems like this is more about your own insecurities than it is about your boyfriend watching porn - you also feel insecure when he talks to young attractive women, even if he hasn't done any more than innocently accept a business card.

[Brulee]

I respect your opinions. He did not innocently accept a business card, he purposely took her business card - I think he got all flustered because she was so hot... was thinking with his wrong head.

Yes, I started out this post,by openly admitting that I am obviously insecure, I wish my man did not desire to look at porn - I wish I was enough to satisfy him... it feels almost as if he is cheating on me. I know this is programmed into me by my upbringing. I personally feel that if you are enjoying a good sex life that there should be no need to masturbate to photos of other naked women.

I am trying to figure out if I can reprogram these feelings - I think perhaps I should look at men in porn - I have always made him my "King", been so faithful, not thinking aboutother men...

[Bdaddy145]

Brulee

this is how me and the fiance' feel about things like that...

 

if it bothers you then its a problem. She and I both have things that bother the other or have bothered the other. We were both willing to give up what the other had a problem with. I use to look at porn to pleasure myself. She had a problem with it so I quit. We took it to the next level and made our own movie. Now if I do feel the urge, I use our movie.

 

Just a thought, mabey you two can do the same???

[CaliforniaGirl]

Something interesting: the people here, and people on other porn threads I've seen (the internet is full of them--this is a big issue for many people), seem to all say: "It's no big deal...it's just pictures...you don't even see them as people...they're just flat images on a screen...it's nothing at all, it's SO SILLY for an insecure little partner to worry about something that means just NOTHING..."

 

So someone finally says to them, "Okay, then stop doing it," and it's like you just asked them to give up a kidney or to permanently quit breathing.

 

"No. Never. I can. I'm allowed. I'm a grownup!" (stomp, stomp) "I won't cut down. You have no right to ask me!" (indignant pout) "I'll just hide it, then. Or do it when you're not home. You can't stop me...or maybe I'll just sneak around behind your back and make a mad dive for thehun.net the second you run out to the Shop Rite for toilet paper..."

 

It's obviously not nothing, folks. In fact, it's obviously a very solid, very important, very trigger-reaction-inducing something which the individual not only is unwilling to give up, but apparently, unable to. Something important enough that when asked to give it up or even tone it down, your fingers grip so firmly on the computer keyboard they leave permanent dents in the Q, Z, P and L.

 

And that's fine...but then own that. Please don't make the person feel worse by pooh-poohing at how seriously she's taking it. Maybe she's taking it that seriously because the SO needs porn so badly that he'll sneak around in corners to get it. (Please. "Nothing"?)

 

I like wearing black. I really dig it. But it's not so important to me; if wearing black were breaking up my relationship, I'd be able to do without it, and wouldn't have to sneak around behind my DH's back to sniff my leather jacket whenever he isn't looking.

 

Wearing black is "nothing".

 

Porn is very obviously something...and significantly more than the naysayers are trying to imply in order to, I don't know, what? Embarrass the poster and those of us who feel as she does? Make us feel petty? Like we're overreacting? That's what I'm guessing, anyway...

 

That insecurity doesn't generally just materialize out of nowhere. The OP, and anyone else who feels this way in this situation, can feel how important it really is to her SO...so of course it's bugging her. We silly little "insecure" SOs aren't stupid.

 

If it really is "nothing" to a given person (everyone is different), okay...go ahead. Give it up. Still go ahead and masturbate, obviously. Just no longer to images of the opposite sex naked. Can't? Won't? What if your relationship hinged on it? Still wouldn't? Okay, now you see why a huge portion of individuals are upset by their SOs using porn. We're not just all crazy. (rolling eyes)

 

'Nuff said.

[Mary3]

Okay, I admit, I am insecure. I hate that my fiance views porn when I am away. At first we looked together before getting intimate a few times - I was okay with that, also was slightly drunk...but when I saw that he looked on his own, even when getting plenty of sex with me, it made me insecure, made me feel like he was more likely to cheat. Some women are lucky and if they enjoy sex with their men, their men do not need to view porn, however in my case that is not so. I do not think he is addicted, but I think he just enjoys it. My insecurity tells me that this feeds his occasional wandering eye when we are out in public - I do think all men notice a good body, etc.. A year ago, he was noticing this really beautiful 20 year old in a store we were in- I noticed her too because she was honestly so stunning,, he went gaga and took her business card when taking the other salesmens' cards, even though it was not necessary as she had not helped him at all, and her card was the only one with a female name, and I saw a day or so later that he had looked up Mom and Daughter porn sites (he told me that she could have been my younger sister...when I let him know that his gaga behavior made me feel insecure and I noticed he took her business card, and I told him she let me know of her live in boyfriend through our short interaction and I knew she would have not interest in a man over twice her age... what was he thinking? and he threw out her business card, brought me a flowering plant and book, in a form of an apology...said he was never actually planning on contacting her.)

Anyway, since I blew up about the porn history, he has erased his history on his computer. Of course I should not even know this, but I snooped out of curiousity.

 

So I have created a bad situation. He will look at porn and hide it from me since I do not appreciate it. GREAT! I am now his mother, the police, big brother etc...

 

How can I fix this? I can't say, hey I look and see that you erase your browsing history, because I know you wouldn't actually give up porn out of respect for me. Then he will be angry I even looked at his history.

 

I want to give him the freedom, otherwise it will be just as easy to go out and cheat and simply hide it from me so it does not hurt me. I guess I created this situation.

 

Honestly men here, can a man view porn, masturbate to it, and still remain physically faithful to his wife? Please answer this as honestly as you can.

Also, how can I fix my situation without making it worse? Just tell him that I accept porn, of course I would like to look at porn featurning perfect men, and let him see it, and hopefully feel the sting of comparison a little, think that when we are out together in public that I am undressing all the men I see...Oh I know I am just insecure and immature..

 

Lets break it down : For many men , porn is a major arousal inducer . News flash. I like Porn too. It arouses me. Specifically sensual erotic porn where the man is down there munching on the breakfast bar. To see him munching helps me to imagine my bf munching. To view porn you must be a visual sensory person.

 

Another News flash. Men and Women in loving satisfying relationships with daily sex sessions STILL like to view porn and STILL masterbate.

 

They likely ( like me ) have high sex drives . Bf too...

 

Likely to cheat ? Most men cheat NOT because they want instant easy sex ( I said most ) but because their marriage is lacking something emotional ! Shocking I know but mostly true.

 

Some men are lucky that they don't need porn ? I wonder the REAL percentage of men viewing porn ?

 

Of course he knows a hottie when he sees one. My CONCERN here is that he DID go ga ga about the blonde and got her business card. Most men would not even TRY anything if they were married ( I said most ) I think that is rude and pretty blatent to do what he did. IT has NOTHING to do with Porn ! He could have a roaming eye that DOES cheat. Please dont blame the millions of porn sites. They are stimulation sites. I view Porn and NEVER Think about cheating. I pretend the guy in the movie is my bf.

 

One thing a man does NOT want is a mother ! You need to drop that role ! fast ! He will become defiant and resent it. He wants a HOT sensual wife that goes down on him when the moon comes out ( and many other times ) You obviously have a computer. Go onto Glamour and Cosmo and get some tips . Read til your eyes hurt,. FIND things that will stimulate him. He wants only you ( well lets hope so , pick up the sexy mama act ! )

 

You cant fix him. He loves Porn . He will view it. You can leave your R and settle a new life. He wont settle for none. Wishful thinking says he will...

[CaliforniaGirl]

Lets break it down : For many men , porn is a major arousal inducer .

 

Basically, what I'm getting from your post (I quoted just this one small section so it wouldn't be too bulky) is that men are visual creatures, so let them have their porn. (And that some women are too, but the OP isn't concerned about a woman, so I'll use the male as the example here.)

 

Again, "liking" porn or just using it to "induce" arousal seem awfully low-key and tame in comparison to the lengths this OP's guy, and many other guys, will go to in order to hoard, hide and use it.

 

What...guys are visual, so the have to use a visual to get aroused? First of all:

 

1. In that case, looking at their SOs naked should produce the same result. As should mentally conjuring an image. Right? Sneaking, hording and hiding porn in "secret" little folders, erasing their histories, etc. really don't justify a plain and simple "guys need to see it". It's RIGHT THERE. Right? And if it's not, they can close their eyes and conjure up an image of the SO naked, I'm assuming. Most of us have this particular talent. I'd be so bold as to say the majority of us, actually.

 

So "awwwwwww, the poor dudes are just visual!" doesn't really justify the "need" to view someone else, with an unrealistic body, doing insane things, just to get aroused in the first place. I mean call me crazy...but I thought sex was a biological drive all by itself. You're saying that a guy who isn't aroused...will use porn to GET aroused...knowing he risks his relationship this way? Uh...doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

2. Okay, erasing all that and entertaining the idea that guys "need" porn, what did any male do before the internet? What did teenage boys who didn't have a porno mag handy do? Not masturbate for 6 months until a neighbor boy managed to find one in his father's secret stash? What did cavemen do? Ignore the women around them and draw pictures on the cave walls instead...because that's what guys "need"?

 

3. I know the next question. "Oh, you silly. I didn't say NEED. I said they just like it. It's so innocent, so simple and NOTHING like an addiction." Awesome! Then refer to my earlier post where I encouraged people here to Take the Closed Eyes Challenge (okay, I just named it that). Since porn is just a (chuckle, chuckle) fun thing and nothing like a need, close your eyes and pull it. Did you have an orgasm? You did? Amazing how that works.

 

So guys don't really "need" to stare at someone else's goods in order to get aroused...right? Except, well...the introverted ones. The ones who want to live in fantasyland. Or the ones who are addicted. I'm sorry. But the whole lighthearted "it's just for fun" bit doesn't jibe with guys literally losing their relationships RATHER THAN their porn.

 

I mean what can I say? I've seen this a hundred times...haven't you? There's obviously something to this issue and it's NOT as simple as "oh, it's just a fun thing to look at".

[JerseyShortie]

One thing a man does NOT want is a mother ! You need to drop that role ! fast ! He will become defiant and resent it. He wants a HOT sensual wife that goes down on him when the moon comes out ( and many other times ) You obviously have a computer. Go onto Glamour and Cosmo and get some tips . Read til your eyes hurt,. FIND things that will stimulate him. He wants only you ( well lets hope so , pick up the sexy mama act ! )

 

 

He probably would become defiant and resent it. But hasn't his actions caused HER to become defiant and resent it? What is he suppose to do to counter that? He might want a hot sensual wife but the last way to make a woman feel good is to be staring at 18 year olds with implants or getting cards from 20 year old girls and getting flustered over them. I also don't see how you can say he only wants her. Have you spoken to him? Did he tell you that? How can you possibly know what he wants?

 

If you ask me seeking out porn of other women doesn't mean he only wants you.

 

To the OP, you are belitting your own feelings on the subject saying you are being silly and immature. If you belittle your own feelings don't expect him to take them seriously either. You are NOT silly or immature for this to bother you. You might be insecure that doesn't mean you are wrong to feel the way you do. How the heck do men expect us to be these uber confident sex kittens when they have to use other mediums full of super ideal images of women to fillfull themselves is beyond me.

 

And the truth is, the truth that no man will admit to is this: porn use is about THEIR insecurity. Because porn plays into every male stereotype about their own masculinty and perfomance and turns it into a world where the man is always incontrol, always pleasing the woman no matter what he is doing, even if he is doing crap that wouldn't turn any woman on, and always gets to finish the job. So yes, porn is about insecurity. It's quite honesty about male and female insecurtiy. Porn makes men feel like men. Which is kind of sad but true. But that is their insecurity. If more men were more confident in thesmelves as men and happy with what they were being offered from their partners, they wouldn't use porn. But obviously, most men aren't.

 

You need to find a way to discuss this with him so that he will listen. Perhaps going to a councler

[Mr. Lucky]

I like wearing black. I really dig it. But it's not so important to me; if wearing black were breaking up my relationship, I'd be able to do without it, and wouldn't have to sneak around behind my DH's back to sniff my leather jacket whenever he isn't looking.

But would you want to be with someone who wanted to control your "fashionality"? And who didn't want you to wear black even when he wasn't around? Or watch a program where the people were wearing black?

 

Brulee, if it's a deal breaker for you - and as others have said, you have every right to make it so - then you should end the relationship if he won't change. What you don't have the right to do is to stay in the relationship and dictate the terms...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CaliforniaGirl]

But would you want to be with someone who wanted to control your "fashionality"? And who didn't want you to wear black even when he wasn't around? Or watch a program where the people were wearing black?

 

 

No. But my point was more to give an example of what is really nothing or no big deal, not create a direct analogy of wearing black = watching porn.

 

Watching porn is obviously very charged, very motivated, produces a climactic result, and involves a replacement for the person one is with and hence, an unspoken competition, no matter the SO's insistence to the contrary.* Wearing black doesn't do any of that (well, not for me, anyway!).

 

*Now I will try to come up with an analogy: say, for example, you and I are lovers. And the sex is great! Yay! But the instant you walk out the door for...well, anything, I rush to my computer to look up pictures of men whose penises are much larger than yours, and who have pronounced six-packs. I just can't help myself. Oh, I love you. I don't care what you look like or that you're so much older than they are. But, when I want an experience that's so stellar and erotic that I can get off on it quickly and VERY satisfyingly, I just, well, pick men whose penises are much larger than yours, and whose bodies are tighter. Oh, heck, I'm only human!

 

That doesn't mean I don't love you. Of course I do! And of course I know those penises must be fake. Duh! And six-packs? Well, whatever, maybe they just look tighter because of the camera angle. I'm not comparing those younger, more gorgeous, mouthwateringly-hung super studs to you at all. You are taking this waaaaaaaaaay too personally...I'm not so sure I want to be with someone as insecure as you.

 

And I'm NOT addicted to these superior, gorgeous men who, by the way, can do many more creative things than you (well, heck, they're younger, so I can't fault you that!) and last MUCH longer (ditto!)...I just kinda, giggle, chuckle, like it. I'm with you, remember? I'm only pretending that another man's rock-hard abs are floating above me as his much larger penis gives me the type of pleasure you never can (because you're only human, not a fantasy, and that's why I love you so much, my darling! You are just so...cute!)

 

It's NOT an addiction. On the other hand, if you dare ask me even to reduce the frequency of my masturbating to these beautiful men who can bring me to orgasm so much faster than you--and this only by my looking at them, whew, fanning myself!--I will first hide it; then lie to you about it...sneak it...rename a folder so you won't find it...and if you do, leave you.

 

Because my masturbating to them is more important than my relationship with you.

 

Hope this helps with the alternate viewpoint.

[Enema]

Him looking at porn is no reflection on you, your relationship or your sex life. Men like variety. You could be Jessica Alba and taking it in the ass from him every night but he would still look at porn.

 

As long as your sex life is fine, the porn is not a problem. You admit and seem to know that this only bothers you because of your insecurities.

 

That is your problem, stop making it his.

[blair08]

And make sure to, that when you log on and look at some hot men in porn..that he keeps his mouth shut! Enjoy!

[Brulee]

I mentioned that a woman told me about a porn site for women, called hunks for her. He responded with "great." Then I said that I realized he was probably still looking at porn, but asked if he only viewed pictures or if he actually interacted with women on line, cause if he did that was were I would need to draw the line. He said he did neither, but never interacted and would not need to. I told him that I know better ( do believe him about not interacting), but in order to understand it, perhaps we should both view porn. If I allowed myself to look at all the men, and enjoy them, I wondered if it would change how I would view men in public, wondering how they look without clothes, etc. If I experienced that I would not be behaving in an unfaithful matter, than it would be easier to accept him doing so also. I told him how I remembered him telling me that it would not bother him if I did. He surprised me by saying it would bother him. I was sort of speechless - I told him I was relieved that he could actually have some understanding of why it might bother me.

All of these things do confuse me. Last night in a store, I saw him turn to look because he noticed a pretty girl walking by with her man, it stings at first a little - but I do not want to say that I noticed him noticing. It is not like he makes a big commotion out of it. I think he is so programmed to look - it seems AUTOMATIC. Do all men do this? Is it harmless - there are no comments made, no eye contact made, just a quick turn and view? I do notice he glances at sexy women in public, especially at their behinds- but at least he doesn't stare when I am around him.

I see my Father look at women in public also, and I know he loves my Mom, they have been married over 60 years!

Maybe if I was a man for an hour, I would understand!

[GroupFitness]

Let's just spell it out here the way it REALLY is and that is YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!!. It's that simple. Wishing, hoping, fighting, pouting, yelling for it is not going to change that. The plain simple truth is visually, you are not enough for your SO(in this case, man) to get off on.

 

You can't possibly be enough, I didn't say so, biology and nature said so. Familiar anything can never be as exciting as new/different/strange. You can pretty much apply that to most things in life so what makes you think your body is any different?. When he first met you and wasn't familiar with your body, you provided all the visual stimulation he needed but now that you've been dating, married for eons of years, I'm sorry sweety, you've become same ol'. He needs to supplement the visual stimulation you provide with other images. Notice I didn't say substitute, just supplement, add-on. And that is evident by the fact that you still have an active sex life.

 

Variety is the spice of life. Steak is my favorite food in the world but honey, eating it everyday is not going to bring me the same pleasure it did the very first time I had it. It's just pure, simple fact of life.

 

It doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you, that is a whole nother basket of fruit but it does mean that your naked body won't always be enough to arouse him. There is just no way on God's green earth that will ever be possible. Not after 5 years of seeing that same naked body day in day out.

 

If you want to take that personally, that is on you. If you want to accept it, make peace with it, roll your eyes and move on to better things, that is your prerrogative. What is that God grant me serenity poem again?

 

And this doesn't just apply to men alone either. It applies to both genders. I love my boyfriend and I think he's gorgeous but if Brad Pitt walked past me, you best believe I'll turn my head and appreciate God's creation as I do with many attractive men I see on the street each day. I don't approach them, I don't exchange phone numbers, I don't even speak to them but I do mutter to myself, "damn, that's a fine looking specimen" and I keep moving. If that's a crime, then sue me.

[Jaytb]

No. But my point was more to give an example of what is really nothing or no big deal, not create a direct analogy of wearing black = watching porn.

 

Watching porn is obviously very charged, very motivated, produces a climactic result, and involves a replacement for the person one is with and hence, an unspoken competition, no matter the SO's insistence to the contrary.* Wearing black doesn't do any of that (well, not for me, anyway!).

 

*Now I will try to come up with an analogy: say, for example, you and I are lovers. And the sex is great! Yay! But the instant you walk out the door for...well, anything, I rush to my computer to look up pictures of men whose penises are much larger than yours, and who have pronounced six-packs. I just can't help myself. Oh, I love you. I don't care what you look like or that you're so much older than they are. But, when I want an experience that's so stellar and erotic that I can get off on it quickly and VERY satisfyingly, I just, well, pick men whose penises are much larger than yours, and whose bodies are tighter. Oh, heck, I'm only human!

 

That doesn't mean I don't love you. Of course I do! And of course I know those penises must be fake. Duh! And six-packs? Well, whatever, maybe they just look tighter because of the camera angle. I'm not comparing those younger, more gorgeous, mouthwateringly-hung super studs to you at all. You are taking this waaaaaaaaaay too personally...I'm not so sure I want to be with someone as insecure as you.

 

And I'm NOT addicted to these superior, gorgeous men who, by the way, can do many more creative things than you (well, heck, they're younger, so I can't fault you that!) and last MUCH longer (ditto!)...I just kinda, giggle, chuckle, like it. I'm with you, remember? I'm only pretending that another man's rock-hard abs are floating above me as his much larger penis gives me the type of pleasure you never can (because you're only human, not a fantasy, and that's why I love you so much, my darling! You are just so...cute!)

 

It's NOT an addiction. On the other hand, if you dare ask me even to reduce the frequency of my masturbating to these beautiful men who can bring me to orgasm so much faster than you--and this only by my looking at them, whew, fanning myself!--I will first hide it; then lie to you about it...sneak it...rename a folder so you won't find it...and if you do, leave you.

 

Because my masturbating to them is more important than my relationship with you.

 

Hope this helps with the alternate viewpoint.

 

Actually, I would let you do whatever you want on your own. I wouldn't care that you like those six packs or penises. As long as the sex is going well, then it's just not an issue. If the sex is suffering, then it is an issue, but otherwise, no.

[manugeorge]

 

And this doesn't just apply to men alone either. It applies to both genders. I love my boyfriend and I think he's gorgeous but if Brad Pitt walked past me, you best believe I'll turn my head and appreciate God's creation as I do with many attractive men I see on the street each day. I don't approach them, I don't exchange phone numbers, I don't even speak to them but I do mutter to myself, "damn, that's a fine looking specimen" and I keep moving. If that's a crime, then sue me.

 

Hear here!, I also admire God's handywork and it has zilch to do with my partner. I don't compare, contrast, hell I don't even think about my partner when I check someone out on the street. I merely admire human beauty like I would admire a nice purse or great shoes. You just look, nod and a totally unrelated thought fills my mind the next second.

 

It's not worth dwelling on and I certainly don't go home wishing my boyfriend looked like the cute guy on the bus, ..what? who even remembers the cute guy on the bus? Please, they are a dime a dozen.

[EllieBean]

I love my bf, but if I see a handsome guy in the street I have a damn good look! I watch porn with guys in it, and I watch girl-on-girl porn, but just because I like to watch two girls munching on each other it doesn't mean I want to be with a girl rather than with my bf, it just turns me on to watch it. Porn is about getting turned on to have an orgasm, nothing more - for example many women have the "rape fantasy" and it turns them on while masturbating but that doesn't mean they actually want to be raped!

 

If something turns you on, you can't stop it - you might be ashamed of having a foot fetish or a diaper fetish but if that's what turns you on then that's what you're going to think about when you're horny, and if you like porn you're going to want that when you're horny. If my bf freaked out because watching girls turns me on, and he asked me to stop, it would be unfair because he'd be asking me to cut myself off from part of my sexuality and I'd feel very resentful. Sure, he has the right to dislike it, and the right to ask me to stop, but I also have the right to say no - I'm an adult and my sexuality is my decision. If my bf has a problem with my sexuality and can't accept me, he's free to break up with me, the same as the OP is free to break up with her bf if she doesn't like him viewing porn. And I'm not saying "masturbating to porn is more important than my relationship", I'm saying "this is who I am, this is what I like sexually - I'm not going to change who I am, so if you cannot accept me you should move on".

 

The OP is asking her bf to cut himself off from part of his sexuality, and asking him to stop doing something he enoys while masturbating - he's hiding it from her because he loves her, but realistically he won't (and perhaps can't) change his own sexuality, just the same as other people can't stop having various sexual fetishes. Personally I don't see the difference between watching a girl on-screen and thinking about the same girl with your eyes closed?!

 

Would you feel differently if your bf liked to watch guy-on-guy porn when he masturbated? If the answer is yes, then it isn't porn that you have a problem with, it's jealousy and insecurity because your bf is looking at other women. You have every right to feel like that and want him to stop, but he isn't the baddie if he doesn't want to; the two of you just have different sexual desires and might be better off with other people who would be more suited to your respective sexualities.

[manugeorge]

I think Porn has to be one of those things people should not compromise on. It only leads to frustration and resentment. If you genuinely don't like porn for whatever reason--even insecurity--. You shouldn't be talked into tolerating porn or compromsing your opinion, it's not fair. You don't like it, you don't like it period!. You're not wrong, you're not silly or immature. You are an adult, you have every right as an adult to decide what you like or don't like.

 

If you enjoy porn, then no one has a right to tell you to stop viewing it just to make them happy. ESPECIALLY when you enjoy porn in moderate doses... an addict is another issue. You shouldn't have to give it up out of any sense of duty to any SO. I believe it IS too much to ask.

 

The only compromise to be made is to know yourself and to know your dealbreakers BEFORE you get into a relationship. In the first few weeks of dating a guy, before you fall for him, you should know/ask if he views porn. If the answer is yes, you walk, no questions asked. I don't imagine this is hard to do because guys don't suddenly develop a fascination with porn in middle age. Usually the ones who view porn, have been doing it since they were wee lads.

 

Save yourself the years of frustration, resentment and banging-head against-the-wall over this unresolvable issue, and just find a man/woman whose beliefs about porn conform with yours. Just like there are women who enjoy porn, there are men who don't care for it. Each party should team up accordingly or shut the hell up about the issue altogether.

[Mr. Lucky]

Save yourself the years of frustration, resentment and banging-head against-the-wall over this unresolvable issue, and just find a man/woman whose beliefs about porn conform with yours. Just like there are women who enjoy porn, there are men who don't care for it. Each party should team up accordingly or shut the hell up about the issue altogether.

Very well said. Loveshack would save a ton of bandwidth if they had an automated way to make this post the first reply to any "porn" thread. To each his own - what a concept ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kic]

Have you ever approached him for sex and he declined? No? Then I don't see a problem.

 

Men tend to need to release more often than women do. Say he wants it daily and you are a once-a-week type of lady. To deny him release more than once a week would be impossible - without porn, he will:

 

-ask you for sex more often (perhaps more than you'd like)

-leave

-cheat

 

The above frequency is an example (he may not want it seven times as often as you do), but generally, men need to release more than women do. This likely applies to your relationship, since he is currently releasing more often than you are using porn.

[Brulee]

I would want sex more often then him! That is why it bothered me - remembering back to when we first physically together (2 years ago) he would sometimes lose his hardness - I thought that he might have a bit of ed, but that does not occur anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he needs these things to be able to perform better? He is in his late 40's. He seems quiet happy having sex once a week, I would prefer every day myself.

What surprised me is that he said he would object to my looking at hunks for her! I do not understand this at all. He said he could understand why porn would bother me... This is the first time he expressed this. I asked if he looked at it a lot before me, his reply was not before computers made it so readily available, and I asked if he looked at it during his last marriage and he said a little.

And yes, I admit, if he was looking at two men it would seem strange, but would not sting the same. Can I fix this in me? What can I tell myself in order to not feel jealous or threatened? Seriously, what would you tell me to reprogram myself? I am seriously asking for advice - so it is okay for him to notice beautiful women and it is not a reflection on my inadequacies?