trying to resolve porn issue

[EllieBean]

The only compromise to be made is to know yourself and to know your dealbreakers BEFORE you get into a relationship.

 

Amen! I don't care whether men watch porn or not, but my bf needs to be happy with me watching it. I know what my deal-breakers are, not just in relation to porn: I also will not date men who smoke or take drugs, men who don't want marriage and kids in the future, men who want to engage in any dangerous or worrying sexual practices... and I also have other criteria too numerous to list.

 

It's pretty easy to figure out in the first few weeks of dating whether any of my deal-breakers apply, and if so I would end the relationship immediately, rather than wasting my time trying to change the guy in question. There are plenty of other guys out there who want kids, who don't take drugs and don't want to asphyxiate me or do any other dodgy things! I realise the OP is past the point of being able to screen her bf for deal-breakers in advance, but I think if porn is really a deal-breaker for her then she might be better off with someone who doesn't want to watch it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I am seriously asking for advice - so it is okay for him to notice beautiful women and it is not a reflection on my inadequacies?

 

Either way, it's not a reflection on your inadequacies...but if you've already noticed a little ED, it could be that he physically can't get off without something as outright in-your-face as porn. Alternately (or overlapping, possibly), he could have looked at so much increasingly "crazy", mind-blowing stuff that now he's desensitized to sex that has actual love in it and doesn't involve female parts that are shaved like a zipper and boobs that could double as flotation devices. (Oh yeah, and screams of "pleasure" so loud and high-pitched that every dog in a five-mile radius howls in fear.)

 

I'm sure nine thousand "oh, don't be silly, it's your problem, leave him if you can't take it, your options are to put up with it or have him be forced to cheat just to get off" posts, since nobody else here seems to actually be listening to your concern, but rather want to prove how incredibly evolved/accepting they are (or how incredibly "normal", whatever that is)...and how incredibly "abnormal" it is for a man to actually be turned on by a woman who's standing in the room with him if the relationship is more than a couple of years old (???). But I figured I'd put in my $.02 on what's actually happening in your relationship as you see it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Let's just spell it out here the way it REALLY is and that is YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!!

 

To be fair, since the OP is being admonished that her problem with porn is just that, her problem, then I don't think it would be responsible to let this comment go by without saying that this dramatic statement is more likely your relationship and/or view, which you're projecting on others.

 

Just sayin'.

 

You see men this way, and every woman as headed in this direction (no longer visually stimulating), but that's your thing...not the OP's necessarily, or anyone else's.

 

Okay, hijack done!

[The Collector]

2. Okay, erasing all that and entertaining the idea that guys "need" porn, what did any male do before the internet? What did teenage boys who didn't have a porno mag handy do? Not masturbate for 6 months until a neighbor boy managed to find one in his father's secret stash?

 

Underwear section of the mail-order catalogue.

 

Whatever, porn, or erotic art has been around for thousands of years. But now we have the internet. It's a golden age, something our wankcestors couldn't have imagined.

 

Oh and the girl I'm currently seeing watches more of it than I do.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Underwear section of the mail-order catalogue.

 

Whatever, porn, or erotic art has been around for thousands of years. But now we have the internet. It's a golden age, something our wankcestors couldn't have imagined.

 

Oh and the girl I'm currently seeing watches more of it than I do.

 

 

Have you even read the OP's update?

 

Do any spankers here even care about the point of the OP's concerns, or is it really THAT much of a rush to defend porn in general? I mean...to defend that, um...really unimportant thing?

 

You know...that thing that's so carefree and unimportant that people knock one another over to answer it...even if they haven't read the actual question, and surely haven't bothered to check any of the OP's comments or additional information posts.

 

Interesting.

[Mary3]

Basically, what I'm getting from your post (I quoted just this one small section so it wouldn't be too bulky) is that men are visual creatures, so let them have their porn. (And that some women are too, but the OP isn't concerned about a woman, so I'll use the male as the example here.)

 

Again, "liking" porn or just using it to "induce" arousal seem awfully low-key and tame in comparison to the lengths this OP's guy, and many other guys, will go to in order to hoard, hide and use it.

 

What...guys are visual, so the have to use a visual to get aroused? First of all:

 

1. In that case, looking at their SOs naked should produce the same result. As should mentally conjuring an image. Right? Sneaking, hording and hiding porn in "secret" little folders, erasing their histories, etc. really don't justify a plain and simple "guys need to see it". It's RIGHT THERE. Right? And if it's not, they can close their eyes and conjure up an image of the SO naked, I'm assuming. Most of us have this particular talent. I'd be so bold as to say the majority of us, actually.

 

So "awwwwwww, the poor dudes are just visual!" doesn't really justify the "need" to view someone else, with an unrealistic body, doing insane things, just to get aroused in the first place. I mean call me crazy...but I thought sex was a biological drive all by itself. You're saying that a guy who isn't aroused...will use porn to GET aroused...knowing he risks his relationship this way? Uh...doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

2. Okay, erasing all that and entertaining the idea that guys "need" porn, what did any male do before the internet? What did teenage boys who didn't have a porno mag handy do? Not masturbate for 6 months until a neighbor boy managed to find one in his father's secret stash? What did cavemen do? Ignore the women around them and draw pictures on the cave walls instead...because that's what guys "need"?

 

3. I know the next question. "Oh, you silly. I didn't say NEED. I said they just like it. It's so innocent, so simple and NOTHING like an addiction." Awesome! Then refer to my earlier post where I encouraged people here to Take the Closed Eyes Challenge (okay, I just named it that). Since porn is just a (chuckle, chuckle) fun thing and nothing like a need, close your eyes and pull it. Did you have an orgasm? You did? Amazing how that works.

 

So guys don't really "need" to stare at someone else's goods in order to get aroused...right? Except, well...the introverted ones. The ones who want to live in fantasyland. Or the ones who are addicted. I'm sorry. But the whole lighthearted "it's just for fun" bit doesn't jibe with guys literally losing their relationships RATHER THAN their porn.

 

I mean what can I say? I've seen this a hundred times...haven't you? There's obviously something to this issue and it's NOT as simple as "oh, it's just a fun thing to look at".

 

Lets address this : For purposes related to me I will explain. My bf and I are in a long distance relationship . We both enjoy making love when we are together .. He says when he views porn the girl is ME. When I view porn the male is HIM. He could be lying or I could be lying but we are not. We do alot of roleplay too. We have a kinky side too. Some might say oh thats degrading that the girl sucking a c--- is you. I think its flattering that at least its ME he is thinking of and not someone else. Some will suggest * eventually * the girl won't be you he is fantasizing about. Since when we are together we take care of eachother very well and he thinks I am phenomenal then I won't worry ...

 

Now you say OP's guy is hiding his porn use. If he is hiding it , its because he does not have approval to view it. He wants to view it and its causing problems in their R. I think that in this case , perhaps counseling ?

 

Sure ! Sure ! Of course when he is viewing me laying next to him ( for real ) we have those sensual moments. But when we can't be together of course we are in overdrive and the images , while not * us * ( at least in the asthetic sense ) help to satisfy untill the next time we can spend time together.

 

Not all women have beautiful bodies. But some of us do. Our guys love to fantasize about us . If a women feels threatened ( why, I dont know ) then maybe she can dig deep and figure out what is it about porn for her guy ? Is it realistic to think he will NEVER view it again if he promised ? If so , then what ? Why does he view it ? Accepting that he does as well as millions of others seems less nerve wracking then trying to get him to stop and feel threatened. But some women will always feel threatened. Is she to get another guy ? If so , what if he does it ?

 

I see so many posts here about this. I do try to tell the women maybe their guys have a HIGH SEX DRIVE and thats why they need sex and masterbation combined. What would Dr. Ruth say ?

 

I won't minimize the OP's hurt feelings. She feels what she feels . Can porn be erradicated ? Should it be ? You said before the internet. Well there are those movie houses where men have always been able to go and view it. Magazines. Cave men ? Not sure how they relieved themselves but its my understanding they could pull a women in the cave at will and have sex ...

[Mary3]

For those of you who think Op should not accept her SO for watching porn. I ask : Do you view it ?

[Mary3]

I love my bf, but if I see a handsome guy in the street I have a damn good look! I watch porn with guys in it, and I watch girl-on-girl porn, but just because I like to watch two girls munching on each other it doesn't mean I want to be with a girl rather than with my bf, it just turns me on to watch it. Porn is about getting turned on to have an orgasm, nothing more - for example many women have the "rape fantasy" and it turns them on while masturbating but that doesn't mean they actually want to be raped!

 

If something turns you on, you can't stop it - you might be ashamed of having a foot fetish or a diaper fetish but if that's what turns you on then that's what you're going to think about when you're horny, and if you like porn you're going to want that when you're horny. If my bf freaked out because watching girls turns me on, and he asked me to stop, it would be unfair because he'd be asking me to cut myself off from part of my sexuality and I'd feel very resentful. Sure, he has the right to dislike it, and the right to ask me to stop, but I also have the right to say no - I'm an adult and my sexuality is my decision. If my bf has a problem with my sexuality and can't accept me, he's free to break up with me, the same as the OP is free to break up with her bf if she doesn't like him viewing porn. And I'm not saying "masturbating to porn is more important than my relationship", I'm saying "this is who I am, this is what I like sexually - I'm not going to change who I am, so if you cannot accept me you should move on".

 

The OP is asking her bf to cut himself off from part of his sexuality, and asking him to stop doing something he enoys while masturbating - he's hiding it from her because he loves her, but realistically he won't (and perhaps can't) change his own sexuality, just the same as other people can't stop having various sexual fetishes. Personally I don't see the difference between watching a girl on-screen and thinking about the same girl with your eyes closed?!

 

Would you feel differently if your bf liked to watch guy-on-guy porn when he masturbated? If the answer is yes, then it isn't porn that you have a problem with, it's jealousy and insecurity because your bf is looking at other women. You have every right to feel like that and want him to stop, but he isn't the baddie if he doesn't want to; the two of you just have different sexual desires and might be better off with other people who would be more suited to your respective sexualities.

 

Very well spoken !

[CaliforniaGirl]

Mary3,

 

I think you missed the point that the OP's boyfriend is viewing porn instead of having sex with her.

[Mary3]

Mary3,

 

I think you missed the point that the OP's boyfriend is viewing porn instead of having sex with her.

 

Well thats messed up !

[Mary3]

I re~read her post :

 

She says he views it while she is away.

 

She says they have viewed it together .

 

She says she feels unhappy that he views it.

 

But the rest of OP's post is about her fiance possibly cheating on her in the future. I hope she doesnt blame porn, If he cheats he is a CHEATER.

 

Porn does not lead to cheating. Cheaters cheat no matter internet or not .

 

NOW if he is visiting Adultfriendfinder ( which is a site where adults hook up for real sex ) then she has a more serious problem.If he is viewing porn like on the adult free movie sites then there is not much to worry about.

 

I really wish would be cheaters would not blame porn. They cheat , they live and breathe to cheat.

 

Porn addiction ? How much is too much ?

[Brulee]

I asked him (in order to try to make it less personal) if he was madly in love with a woman and he came home to find her looking at men in porn, and she did this regularly would it bother him. He mentioned that he would think she had a mental problem. So I definately feel a double standard going on. He gets mad if I want to work through it with him, by figuring the whole issue out.

[brightskies]

Brulee,

 

Sorry to hear that you're having trouble with this. I can totally relate. I'm not going to get into the "porn vs. no porn" argument --- I stand firmly on the "no porn" side of the fence. I *know* what it's like to be sucked into porn and how it can damage a relationship. After a *lot* of thought and research I decided no more of that.

 

It's a dealbreaker for me. My SO *knew* this from the start and I was very clear about it. To find out that he had been lying about it was awful; I was literally ready to end our relationship over this. When he saw I was serious he decided that the porn wasn't more valuable than the relationship. He gave it up but it hasn't been smooth sailing. He admits that porn use can be mentally and emotionally damaging but he had difficulty stopping. It's definitely addictive.

 

So many women (I have yet to hear about men) find their SO's porn use hurtful and they're expected to simply accept it. Why accept it, if it's so damaging? Remember: it may be his choice to use porn, but it's your choice to stay with someone who does. There have to be, as rare as they are, some available, hetero-whole-package men out there who aren't into porn.

 

 

CaliforniaGirl,

 

Thank you so much for your perspective. It really isn't "nothing." I think porn can cause a host of intimacy, and other, issues. I'm glad you brought these points up.

 

Something interesting: the people here, and people on other porn threads I've seen (the internet is full of them--this is a big issue for many people), seem to all say: "It's no big deal...it's just pictures...you don't even see them as people...they're just flat images on a screen...it's nothing at all, it's SO SILLY for an insecure little partner to worry about something that means just NOTHING..."

 

So someone finally says to them, "Okay, then stop doing it," and it's like you just asked them to give up a kidney or to permanently quit breathing.

 

"No. Never. I can. I'm allowed. I'm a grownup!" (stomp, stomp) "I won't cut down. You have no right to ask me!" (indignant pout) "I'll just hide it, then. Or do it when you're not home. You can't stop me...or maybe I'll just sneak around behind your back and make a mad dive for thehun.net the second you run out to the Shop Rite for toilet paper..."

 

It's obviously not nothing, folks. In fact, it's obviously a very solid, very important, very trigger-reaction-inducing something which the individual not only is unwilling to give up, but apparently, unable to. Something important enough that when asked to give it up or even tone it down, your fingers grip so firmly on the computer keyboard they leave permanent dents in the Q, Z, P and L.

 

And that's fine...but then own that. Please don't make the person feel worse by pooh-poohing at how seriously she's taking it. Maybe she's taking it that seriously because the SO needs porn so badly that he'll sneak around in corners to get it. (Please. "Nothing"?)

 

Porn is very obviously something...and significantly more than the naysayers are trying to imply in order to, I don't know, what? Embarrass the poster and those of us who feel as she does? Make us feel petty? Like we're overreacting? That's what I'm guessing, anyway...

 

That insecurity doesn't generally just materialize out of nowhere. The OP, and anyone else who feels this way in this situation, can feel how important it really is to her SO...so of course it's bugging her. We silly little "insecure" SOs aren't stupid.

 

If it really is "nothing" to a given person (everyone is different), okay...go ahead. Give it up. Still go ahead and masturbate, obviously. Just no longer to images of the opposite sex naked. Can't? Won't? What if your relationship hinged on it? Still wouldn't? Okay, now you see why a huge portion of individuals are upset by their SOs using porn. We're not just all crazy. (rolling eyes)

 

'Nuff said.

[giotto]

I don't see anything wrong with him watching porn, as long as he is engaged in the relationship, you have regular sex and it doesn't become a priority for him. Porn can be addictive, but it's also a form or release. Maybe he has his own fetishes and fantasies, which he indulges with porn... maybe you should ask him if he has a particular fantasy he would like to "put in practice" with you... personally, I would always prefer real sex to cyber sex, but when real sex is not available, porn is great...

[soserious1]

I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to exciting sex, porn is ALWAYS

more exciting and satisfying than sex with a long term partner. The women in porn never say no,they make no demands,they are ever changing, he can get a fresh face with a simple click of the mouse. There's no way a long term girl friend or wife can compete with that.

 

Does a man get really turned on by looking at porn, does he want to bone the women he views? of course he does ! Are they hotter than you? of course they are! just because a man cannot afford a corvette doesn't mean that he doesn't lust for one and wouldn't give his left nut to own one even though he resigns himself to driving his beater car every day.

 

We,the wives and girl friends, we are the human equal to beater cars, a man might be with us, have sex with us he does so out of duty/obligation, after all trying to become physically aroused by the same imperfect body/face that you've seen hundreds of times is WORK. He's actually doing us a favor by lowering himself to the task.

 

Do men have to think of other women in order to get erect enough to function with you? of course they do ! go take off your clothing,stand in front of a full length mirror,turn on all the lights in the room, take careful note of every single wrinkle,stretch mark, surgical scar and varicose vein, overweight? touch and hold each fold of excessive fat, take note of your breasts can you pass the pencil test? Think about your wardrobe do you dress to conceal flaws? If you do, why on earth would you expect any man to become physically aroused by those flaws? The fact is, over time it becomes work for a guy to get physically excited enough by you to become aroused and with each passing year it becomes more and more difficult for him.

 

He may love you because you're a faithful and devoted partner, he may feel great respect and affection for you because you're the mother of his children,because you keep a great house, because you've been supportive of him and his lifestyle.. but that kind of affection and love isn't the same thing as physical lust, passion, in fact I suspect the only reason a lot of guys even try to keep sex going with their partners of years is a sense of obligation ie: this person is good to me,loyal, I owe it to her, it'll hurt her badly if I don't

and also the fear of what they would lose if they flat out told the truth that after 5 yrs,10 or 15 that the wife simply doesn't do it for them physically anymore.

[Brulee]

So Serious, your post is so depressing! What is a woman to do? I cannot avoid aging. I am lucky that I look like I do at my current age! A lot of men still show an interest in me, but as I age, am I supposed to accept that my man will always wish for better? This plain sucks. What about the fact that he too is aging, he has a bit of a tummy...

And why does he want double standards about the porn - that seems silly?

[soserious1]

So Serious, your post is so depressing! What is a woman to do? I cannot avoid aging. I am lucky that I look like I do at my current age! A lot of men still show an interest in me, but as I age, am I supposed to accept that my man will always wish for better? This plain sucks. What about the fact that he too is aging, he has a bit of a tummy...

And why does he want double standards about the porn - that seems silly?

 

There's not a lot you can do aside from trying to digest and accept the fact that a lot of this is driven by biology, it's hard wired into the brain. A man can exercise a certain level of control over hard wired drives and urges and if he loves/respects a woman he's committed to for a lifetime he'll make every effort to be respectful/discrete about his porn use but expecting that he won't indulge

won't lust for other women in his mind is just unrealistic.

[giotto]

I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to exciting sex, porn is ALWAYS

more exciting and satisfying than sex with a long term partner. The women in porn never say no,they make no demands,they are ever changing, he can get a fresh face with a simple click of the mouse. There's no way a long term girl friend or wife can compete with that.

 

Does a man get really turned on by looking at porn, does he want to bone the women he views? of course he does ! Are they hotter than you? of course they are! just because a man cannot afford a corvette doesn't mean that he doesn't lust for one and wouldn't give his left nut to own one even though he resigns himself to driving his beater car every day.

 

We,the wives and girl friends, we are the human equal to beater cars, a man might be with us, have sex with us he does so out of duty/obligation, after all trying to become physically aroused by the same imperfect body/face that you've seen hundreds of times is WORK. He's actually doing us a favor by lowering himself to the task.

 

Do men have to think of other women in order to get erect enough to function with you? of course they do ! go take off your clothing,stand in front of a full length mirror,turn on all the lights in the room, take careful note of every single wrinkle,stretch mark, surgical scar and varicose vein, overweight? touch and hold each fold of excessive fat, take note of your breasts can you pass the pencil test? Think about your wardrobe do you dress to conceal flaws? If you do, why on earth would you expect any man to become physically aroused by those flaws? The fact is, over time it becomes work for a guy to get physically excited enough by you to become aroused and with each passing year it becomes more and more difficult for him.

 

He may love you because you're a faithful and devoted partner, he may feel great respect and affection for you because you're the mother of his children,because you keep a great house, because you've been supportive of him and his lifestyle.. but that kind of affection and love isn't the same thing as physical lust, passion, in fact I suspect the only reason a lot of guys even try to keep sex going with their partners of years is a sense of obligation ie: this person is good to me,loyal, I owe it to her, it'll hurt her badly if I don't

and also the fear of what they would lose if they flat out told the truth that after 5 yrs,10 or 15 that the wife simply doesn't do it for them physically anymore.

 

sorry, soserious, but I have to disagree. It depends on what kind of porn you are looking at. Not all men are attracted by skinny beautiful girls... this is just a stereotype...

[taylor]

I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to exciting sex, porn is ALWAYS

more exciting and satisfying than sex with a long term partner. The women in porn never say no,they make no demands,they are ever changing, he can get a fresh face with a simple click of the mouse. There's no way a long term girl friend or wife can compete with that.

 

Does a man get really turned on by looking at porn, does he want to bone the women he views? of course he does ! Are they hotter than you? of course they are! just because a man cannot afford a corvette doesn't mean that he doesn't lust for one and wouldn't give his left nut to own one even though he resigns himself to driving his beater car every day.

 

We,the wives and girl friends, we are the human equal to beater cars, a man might be with us, have sex with us he does so out of duty/obligation, after all trying to become physically aroused by the same imperfect body/face that you've seen hundreds of times is WORK. He's actually doing us a favor by lowering himself to the task.

 

Do men have to think of other women in order to get erect enough to function with you? of course they do ! go take off your clothing,stand in front of a full length mirror,turn on all the lights in the room, take careful note of every single wrinkle,stretch mark, surgical scar and varicose vein, overweight? touch and hold each fold of excessive fat, take note of your breasts can you pass the pencil test? Think about your wardrobe do you dress to conceal flaws? If you do, why on earth would you expect any man to become physically aroused by those flaws? The fact is, over time it becomes work for a guy to get physically excited enough by you to become aroused and with each passing year it becomes more and more difficult for him.

 

He may love you because you're a faithful and devoted partner, he may feel great respect and affection for you because you're the mother of his children,because you keep a great house, because you've been supportive of him and his lifestyle.. but that kind of affection and love isn't the same thing as physical lust, passion, in fact I suspect the only reason a lot of guys even try to keep sex going with their partners of years is a sense of obligation ie: this person is good to me,loyal, I owe it to her, it'll hurt her badly if I don't

and also the fear of what they would lose if they flat out told the truth that after 5 yrs,10 or 15 that the wife simply doesn't do it for them physically anymore.

 

SoSerious,

 

I swear you are having your own internal, never-ending self-pity party.

 

So tell me, when was the last time you lusted after your husband? When was the last time your passion for him drove you so crazy you made him stop the car and you did it right there in the back seat at the rest stop?

 

A woman's lust/passion for her partner can diminish over time in long term relationships as well as a man's can. In fact, I will go so far as to say a woman will most likely stop lusting after her husband before he will stop lusting after her.

 

Husbands go bald by the time they hit 25 or 30 years old sometimes. They go gray in their late 30's or early 40's. They get fat rolls and pot bellies way before the grandkids come. They lose their six pack abs, their pecs sag, and their biceps turn to mush. Hair starts growing out of their noses and their ears. And their butts get flat and wide. And many lose their sense of fashion (black socks and shoes with shorts..YUK)

 

Please don't tell me that men don't lose THEIR sex appeal as well. THEY DO. Everyone does!

 

Yet you don't see every aging woman and every aging man running away from their partners to seek sex with a young, hot body. Men and women continue to have sex with each other despite the wrinkles and the loss of muscle tone. Why? Because they love each other. Because they can see passed the physical flaws. And maybe out of obligation at times.

 

But this is not a one-sided thing. It affects both men and women.

 

It isn't just men who find youth beautiful. Women also find youth beautiful. What woman wouldn't want to have sex with a man with a full head of thick dark hair, smooth skin, and a hard, toned body. Of course we would. What woman doesn't admire the body of a 25 year old guy all hot and sweaty. (OK, getting carried away here) Of course we do. What woman doesn't do a double take when a man in a suit passes by her on the street and leaves a faint scent of his cologne behind? Of course we do.

 

So don't be so hard on these guys for being attracted to what they are attracted to. And women shouldn't have to make excuses or feel apologetic about what they are attracted to either. I certainly make no excuses for what I am attracted to.

 

You are way too hard on yourself. You have a major self-image problem. I know your history. You are letting your husband define your physical worth.

 

If you don't like the way you look, do something about it. Color your hair. Go on a diet. Hit the gym. Go get some laser treatments, Botox injections, some anti-wrinkle cream. Spruce up your wardrobe. And then adjust your attitude.

[pyroguy]

Good post, brutally honest,and I always seem to follow taylor. soserious1, you definitely have self image issues that are just too far. Nobody should ever feel that badly about themselves-ever.

 

After reading these posts, I'm always amazed at how women think this only affects them. They live in this world where they only see or want to see what affects them. I'll admit, I like porn and watch it sometimes, but I'll also throw you all a bone and admit it can make others insecure.

 

I think so many of us are not honest at all, including some of the ladies who posted here. I'm tired of hearing how it's no reflection on their SO. Maybe not how they feel about their SO, and maybe that they wont cheat, but I think at least sometimes, we see on the screen what we don't have. I'm not sure I believe the one poster who said she imagines it's her boyfriend-unless he built like that and as endowed as that guy on screen.

 

The worst omission by these women is the mention of all the porn made specifically to degrade husbands, hail older women as MILFS and cougars, while portraying the older men as worthless. Yes, I just love seeing, "Please Bang MY Wife", "Screw My Wife Please", "cheating wives", "white wives, Black guys".- All great internet fun.

 

Hey, think of this way, in a way it trancends into real life for men. So, they may have it worse. I challenge the women to check out Craigslist. Go look for the women who are seeking sexual encounters. You will find that it's really couples, where they are looking for a man, usually younger, better built, and more endowed than the husband. So, it's really scary for men out there. Throw in the cheating rates for women, divorce rates etc, and it can be a nightmare.

 

I can't say I blame them. It's evolution, I guess, and if men could do that they would, except men cannot place an ad with his wife, looking for Carmen Elektra, and be successful. It's women who enjoy that advantage.

 

So, I actually understand some of your pain, know it goes both ways. Taylor explained it so painfully. Unfortunately, with all of us being so sexual today, and the empasis on good looks, with the media shoving it down our throats, it was bound to happen.

 

As for men, Taylor they do not all fall as badly as you explained. I'm 41 now. I have my hair, it's dark-not gray, I workout 5-6 days a week, and can workout with any 25 year old, and I know some others like that too. Still, I understand your point. It's true that many men do fall apart, and I like to put those guys in their place when they critique their wives, or start desiring other women as if they deserve that woman too. These guys are clueless. I even use this on myself. I do all that I do to stay attractive and virile, but I also know that no matter what, I will not be in Playgirl next week, and that also keeps me in check. I just hope its enough to make it very difficult for my wife to look and lust.

 

In the end though, I don't want your scenario either, where the spouse has sex out of obligation. I will fight that as long as I can. Sadly, today, I think that's where we are headed. It seems inevitable, and that goes for men AND women.

[soserious1]

SoSerious,

 

I swear you are having your own internal, never-ending self-pity party.

 

So tell me, when was the last time you lusted after your husband? When was the last time your passion for him drove you so crazy you made him stop the car and you did it right there in the back seat at the rest stop?

 

A woman's lust/passion for her partner can diminish over time in long term relationships as well as a man's can. In fact, I will go so far as to say a woman will most likely stop lusting after her husband before he will stop lusting after her.

 

Husbands go bald by the time they hit 25 or 30 years old sometimes. They go gray in their late 30's or early 40's. They get fat rolls and pot bellies way before the grandkids come. They lose their six pack abs, their pecs sag, and their biceps turn to mush. Hair starts growing out of their noses and their ears. And their butts get flat and wide. And many lose their sense of fashion (black socks and shoes with shorts..YUK)

 

Please don't tell me that men don't lose THEIR sex appeal as well. THEY DO. Everyone does!

 

Yet you don't see every aging woman and every aging man running away from their partners to seek sex with a young, hot body. Men and women continue to have sex with each other despite the wrinkles and the loss of muscle tone. Why? Because they love each other. Because they can see passed the physical flaws. And maybe out of obligation at times.

 

But this is not a one-sided thing. It affects both men and women.

 

It isn't just men who find youth beautiful. Women also find youth beautiful. What woman wouldn't want to have sex with a man with a full head of thick dark hair, smooth skin, and a hard, toned body. Of course we would. What woman doesn't admire the body of a 25 year old guy all hot and sweaty. (OK, getting carried away here) Of course we do. What woman doesn't do a double take when a man in a suit passes by her on the street and leaves a faint scent of his cologne behind? Of course we do.

 

So don't be so hard on these guys for being attracted to what they are attracted to. And women shouldn't have to make excuses or feel apologetic about what they are attracted to either. I certainly make no excuses for what I am attracted to.

 

You are way too hard on yourself. You have a major self-image problem. I know your history. You are letting your husband define your physical worth.

 

If you don't like the way you look, do something about it. Color your hair. Go on a diet. Hit the gym. Go get some laser treatments, Botox injections, some anti-wrinkle cream. Spruce up your wardrobe. And then adjust your attitude.

 

 

I'm not "hard" on anybody, what I'm saying is that I've accepted that in terms of sheer physical lust that porn is 100 % better,more exciting and more satisfying than sex with a long term partner. I'm not interested in anybody having sex with me because they feel obligated to do so or out of pity, far better and far more honest to have the man view porn and/or seek a another woman than that.

 

As far as how I look I've also decided to gracefully accept the aging process

nothing is more laughable than an aging woman, spending a fortune on botox and plastic surgery in a futile attempt to turn back the hands of time.Spend my money to spend on such things? not a chance,I watch my weight and exercise but that's as far as it goes, my money is better invested in the hopes that it will grow and improve the lives of my adult children and bolster the chances of my grandchildren in the future.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not "hard" on anybody, what I'm saying is that I've accepted that in terms of sheer physical lust that porn is 100 % better,more exciting and more satisfying than sex with a long term partner

Not remotely true for 90+% of the men (and women) that look at porn. For many, porn is simply a means to an end, something for when your partner is unavailable. You continue to make these ill-founded and sweeping generalizations based on what was obviously a terrible experience for you. That may make your situation lamentable, but it doesn't make it universal...

 

Mr. Lucky

[taylor]

I'm not "hard" on anybody, what I'm saying is that I've accepted that in terms of sheer physical lust that porn is 100 % better,more exciting and more satisfying than sex with a long term partner. I'm not interested in anybody having sex with me because they feel obligated to do so or out of pity, far better and far more honest to have the man view porn and/or seek a another woman than that.

 

As far as how I look I've also decided to gracefully accept the aging process

nothing is more laughable than an aging woman, spending a fortune on botox and plastic surgery in a futile attempt to turn back the hands of time.Spend my money to spend on such things? not a chance,I watch my weight and exercise but that's as far as it goes, my money is better invested in the hopes that it will grow and improve the lives of my adult children and bolster the chances of my grandchildren in the future.

 

You know, SoSerious, my husband and I used to watch porn when we were dating and first married with a group of friends of ours. We would sit around, drink wine coolers and beer, watch porn, and laugh our heads off. And then we would go home and have great sex. We were in our early 20's!!!!

 

This shoots your whole theory that men watch porn because they can't get turned on by their aging wives.

 

And you are hard on these men..claiming they only have sex with their wives out of obligation. Some may be and some may not be. But don't make the ones having obligatory sex feel guilty. There are just as many IF NOT MORE wives having obligatory sex with their husbands. Do you want to tell all these wives and all these husbands that they should just get off to porn or go "find" someone else to have sex with?

 

You also try to make these guys feel guilty for being turned on by young women with hot bodies. Believe me, I have seen on numerous occassions women in their 30's and 40's turning their heads and stretching their necks to look at the 20-something year olds in my exercise classes. Some of these women come to class dressed to kill with makeup and perfume...and they are married. It's not just guys getting their thrills from looking at the "younger generation."

 

And there are just as many "beater car" husbands as there are "beater car" wives. Should we also pity them because their wives are having obligatory sex with them?

 

You say you are aging gracefully. Doesn't appear so. Sounds like you are lamenting the loss of your youth and are bitter and resentful towards men who still value it. It's not just men that value it, SoSerious. Women value it too. And the thing is, WE ARE ALL GOING TO LOSE IT.

 

It's great that you are thinking of your kids and grandkids. But maybe you should spend a little of your hard earned money on yourself. The kids won't miss it.

[taylor]

I always seem to follow taylor.

 

I was wondering what that dark mysterious shadow was behind me:p

 

 

 

The worst omission by these women is the mention of all the porn made specifically to degrade husbands, hail older women as MILFS and cougars, while portraying the older men as worthless. Yes, I just love seeing, "Please Bang MY Wife", "Screw My Wife Please", "cheating wives", "white wives, Black guys".- All great internet fun.

 

Pyro, I've read a few articles on porn (not many) that say porn is intended to make the man feel like THE MAN...the one with the power..the control...and in that way, help the man feel secure in his manhood. IF that is true, maybe that is the same for these porn videos made for women. Maybe they are geared to make the woman feel powerful and in control. Both the videos for the men and the videos for the women portray the opposite sex as "worthless" in order to make the viewer appear "powerful."

 

I could be way off base here because I have never seen a porn video geared to women..in fact I really haven't seen any porn videos in the past 10 years so I might be going out on a limb here. But it's a thought..

 

****

 

You say couples seek sexual encounters looking for young men. That couples do this together. Then you say it's not fair because men can't just place an ad looking for a sexual encounter with a hot, sexy woman.

 

The thing is, WHO is really looking for the young man for the sexual encounter? Is it the husband who wants to see his wife have sex with another man or is it the wife who wants to have sex with two men? I would venture to guess its the husband placing these ads for his own sexual pleasure. Few women enjoy fantasizing about their husbands having sex with another woman but I can see many men fantasizing about their wives with other men. We even had a poster on here who got turned on watching his wife have sex with her affair partner!

 

 

As for men, Taylor they do not all fall as badly as you explained. I'm 41 now. I have my hair, it's dark-not gray, I workout 5-6 days a week, and can workout with any 25 year old, and I know some others like that too. Still, I understand your point. It's true that many men do fall apart, and I like to put those guys in their place when they critique their wives, or start desiring other women as if they deserve that woman too. These guys are clueless. I even use this on myself. I do all that I do to stay attractive and virile, but I also know that no matter what, I will not be in Playgirl next week, and that also keeps me in check. I just hope its enough to make it very difficult for my wife to look and lust.

 

I agree, Pyro. There will always be men and women who tend to their appearance and there will always be those who don't. The point I was trying to make to SoSerious is that men, as well as women, age, and both men and women feel the effects of it. If you're going to pity the aging woman, pity the aging man as well.

 

It is so true about clueless pot-bellied men who complain when their wives put on 5 pounds and cant get in that size 9 pair of jeans anymore. Very laughable. I say hand them a mirror and see who has the last laugh.

 

I appreciate a man who takes care of himself physically. Hitting the gym is tough sometimes but it will serve us all well the older we get.

[soserious1]

You know, SoSerious, my husband and I used to watch porn when we were dating and first married with a group of friends of ours. We would sit around, drink wine coolers and beer, watch porn, and laugh our heads off. And then we would go home and have great sex. We were in our early 20's!!!!

 

This shoots your whole theory that men watch porn because they can't get turned on by their aging wives.

 

And you are hard on these men..claiming they only have sex with their wives out of obligation. Some may be and some may not be. But don't make the ones having obligatory sex feel guilty. There are just as many IF NOT MORE wives having obligatory sex with their husbands. Do you want to tell all these wives and all these husbands that they should just get off to porn or go "find" someone else to have sex with?

 

You also try to make these guys feel guilty for being turned on by young women with hot bodies. Believe me, I have seen on numerous occassions women in their 30's and 40's turning their heads and stretching their necks to look at the 20-something year olds in my exercise classes. Some of these women come to class dressed to kill with makeup and perfume...and they are married. It's not just guys getting their thrills from looking at the "younger generation."

 

And there are just as many "beater car" husbands as there are "beater car" wives. Should we also pity them because their wives are having obligatory sex with them?

 

You say you are aging gracefully. Doesn't appear so. Sounds like you are lamenting the loss of your youth and are bitter and resentful towards men who still value it. It's not just men that value it, SoSerious. Women value it too. And the thing is, WE ARE ALL GOING TO LOSE IT.

 

It's great that you are thinking of your kids and grandkids. But maybe you should spend a little of your hard earned money on yourself. The kids won't miss it.

 

 

 

I think being the receiver of obligatory sex stinks be you man or woman

and I would choose to go without entirely rather than accept such sex

even if in so choosing that means that my partner beds other women.

 

You might find the prospect of mercy sex to be a huge turn on, many of both male and female don't.. and we say thanks but no thanks to such sex. The thought that a man is only boning me because he feels obligated to is probably the most humilating,degrading thing I can imagine.