trying to resolve porn issue

[JackJack]

IMO, there are probably a multitude of different reasons WHY a person might feel the way the do about porn or whatever etc. It's their right. I don't think there is really a right or wrong answer, I think people just have to do what works best for them and their spouse etc. If after awhile what they thought was working no longer is, then its time to go another route with things. Don't continue to do or say the same things over and over again and expect a different result. Some people may just be with the wrong person, and hopefully can find someone in this world that shares the same views.....I'm so glad I'm not one of these people though, that continuly feels the need to bang my head against the wall trying to explain over and over again, about a porn issue. Some things are worth it, some are not. WHEW!

[taylor]

Why do so many women need a vibrator when they have a perfectly good penis available to them?

 

I don't understand this, either, Collector, and I am a woman. I never owned one and have no desire to. I'd rather have the real thing.

 

 

Why do they enjoy fantasizing about Brad Pitt or the guy in the chick flick/romance novel when they could be fantasizing about their SO?

 

I could be wrong, but I think most of these women are upset about their men jerking off to these images.

 

How would you feel if you came home from work and while in search for your wife, said, "Honey, I'm home. Boy am I hungry."

 

And she said, "I'll get started on dinner in a minute, sweetie..as soon as I get done orgasming to Brad Pitt."

 

Would you most likely say, "OK, dear. Take your time. I'll set the table."

 

 

 

A little wank about another person doesn't bother them, as many of the women who don't mind their partner using porn, or use it themselves, clearly illustrates.

 

As I illustrated above.

[taylor]

I mean it when I say I truly do not mind if she watches porn or goes to male revue club.

 

Well why would you if you were doing the same?

 

How would you feel if you were a guy who didn't go to strip clubs or rent porn videos, but your wife did? THIS is what these women are dealing with.

[Woggle]

Well why would you if you were doing the same?

 

How would you feel if you were a guy who didn't go to strip clubs or rent porn videos, but your wife did? THIS is what these women are dealing with.

 

I think that people who have a problem with these things need to lighten up from both genders and I am sure they knew what these men were like before they married them.

[JackJack]

I think that people who have a problem with these things need to lighten up from both genders and I am sure they knew what these men were like before they married them.

 

Some may have and some may not. You'd be surprised at how many people's "true" selves come out later on. There are many things, that someone may not know their spouse likes, or is into, until later on. Some people are good at hiding things. Then again, there may be some, who are not into certain things, and then later on down the road do.

[The Collector]

How would you feel if you came home from work and while in search for your wife, said, "Honey, I'm home. Boy am I hungry."

 

And she said, "I'll get started on dinner in a minute, sweetie..as soon as I get done orgasming to Brad Pitt."

 

Would you most likely say, "OK, dear. Take your time. I'll set the table."

 

Masturbation and fantasy is generally a private thing, done in your own time and not flagrantly waved in your SO's face, so from either sex that would be a bit inappropriate - but speaking for myself, if we had an otherwise satisfying sex life, I'd say 'knock yourself out honey.'

 

I'm not one of these people who says the answer to porn is to watch it together. People need some personal downtime and private space. Most of these porn threads do not happen because the man was being too brazen about his porn use, or saying 'I prefer these porn women to you.' It's generally a result of snooping and inference on the insecure woman's part.

[Jersey Shortie]

I would say to women who do not care for porn but who choose to live with men who do: COMPARTMENTALIZE the porn. Keep that fantasy world separate from your real world, meaning this:

 

The porn stays in one room of the house, out of sight or access from ANYONE who chooses not to see it or should not be seeing it (children).

 

The porn does not take time away from family activities or couple activities, but is viewed during down-time only.

 

If a man wants to jerk off to porn in the privacy of his porn room, he can, but all porn activity ceases when he leaves the room..no mention of it, no talk of it, zilch.

 

And above all, no expectation that the fantasy of porn will transcend into the real world of love making. No identification of a wife/gf to a porn star (that's insulting and disrespectful) and no suggestion that any porn acts be "re-enacted" in real life.

 

This way you keep the fantasy porn world in it's own little compartment, separate from the real world in which you live.

 

HE can fantasize all he wants in his little porn room, but the fantasy ends when he leaves the room.

 

This is the only way to compromise on the issue, IMO.

 

I got to disagree that the answer is to compartmentalize it and pretend it isn't there. It won't be out of site out of mind so much as the white elephant in the room that is never discussed. And sure that satisfies his needs, but I think as the woman, you are still getting shafted. He isn't making any consessions. Hiding it, isn't compromise.

 

I also think it's a little navie to think that he isn't at some point going to see something in a porn that he wants to do with his partner or isn't going to be thinking about the hot girl he just watched getting banged. I have no doubt that men can compartmentalize better. But I don't think that means it doesn't effect him on other levels.

 

Why do so many women need a vibrator when they have a perfectly good penis available to them? Why do they enjoy fantasizing about Brad Pitt or the guy in the chick flick/romance novel when they could be fantasizing about their SO?

 

I don't even own a vibrator and never have. I also don't fantasize about Brad Pitt or guys in romance novels. I like chick flicks, sure. But you know what? Men like action flicks with hot women. And that is fine. Chick flicks are not the same at porn and I am sick of men trying to make it seem the case. Chick flicks are the same as action packed Die hard movies or whatever stereotypical guy movies are out there.

 

Many people, men and women, don't feel threatened by their partners fantasies or attraction to others, because they know fidelity is somewhat of a trade-off and don't expect or want their partners to pretend they don't find anyone else in the world attractive anymore.

 

Finding other people attractive is fine. It's taking it to the next level to seek and act it out that I think bothers alot of women. I don't mind if he can logically observe another woman is attractive. But if he is lusting after her, it changes the dynamic.

 

And they don't feel 'second best' because they understand that their partner has chosen to be with them, at the expense of all others. A little wank about another person doesn't bother them, as many of the women who don't mind their partner using porn, or use it themselves, clearly illustrates.

 

Their partner has choosen them. But their partner is also choosing to indirectly seek out and get off to other women. The message is very conflicting. Especially since the type of women men seek out in these videos are of a limited age group and certain body type. So yes, there are many men out there wanking off at the expense of their real life partner. He chooses to be with his partner but he also chooses to look at porn to fullfill himself sexually. He chooses to be his partner but his eyes are still lighting up and getting excited over other women. Who wants to be the reality when the fantasy is obviously so much better for alot of men? Seems like it's better to be the fantasy then his reality. Men say how important their real life woman is but it's never as important as needing porn as well.

 

After awhile you just stop trying. There is only so much effort you can put into it and if you see your efforts just amount to him still turning to porn, you just end up saying 'bleep-it" and giving up on it. If you are trying to be intimate with him and open new doors and he keeps going back to the same old doors at the end of the day (porn), there is no point in trying anymore. He has made it clear what he wants. Even if you are doing all the things you can to make sex fun.

 

We talk about how important sex is to men. And so what if he is meeting your sexual needs and looking at porn if he is denying your emotional ones. It's not like women are tryign to deny men their sexual needs, if your in a healthy relatoinship. It's not like women are saying you shouldn't want sex. You have a real person for sex. This instatible need for more more more i think really drives a wedge in our culture and relationships. But I do feel like men often think women's own emotional needs aren't as valid as their sexual. if you have a woman trying hard to meet your sexual ones? Why can't yo utry hard to meet her emotional ones?

[Mr. Lucky]

People need some personal downtime and private space. Most of these porn threads do not happen because the man was being too brazen about his porn use, or saying 'I prefer these porn women to you.' It's generally a result of snooping and inference on the insecure woman's part.

Which circles back perfectly to the OP's first post in this thread:

Anyway, since I blew up about the porn history, he has erased his history on his computer. Of course I should not even know this, but I snooped out of curiousity.

Mr. Lucky

[taylor]

I got to disagree that the answer is to compartmentalize it and pretend it isn't there. It won't be out of site out of mind so much as the white elephant in the room that is never discussed. And sure that satisfies his needs, but I think as the woman, you are still getting shafted. He isn't making any consessions. Hiding it, isn't compromise.

 

No, no pretending. Not at all. In fact, you are fully acknowledging that your man is enjoying his porn in the next room. You know it. He knows it. But he also knows you do not want it in your face and you want no part of it. Therefore, he must completely compartmentalize it by separating his fantasy world from your (his and your) real life.

 

And no, he's not hiding it..He is SEPARATING IT from his life with you.

 

I have relatives who smoke but when they come to my house they smoke on the deck out back. They don't hide it. I don't pretend it doesn't exist. We all know "smoking" is taking place.

 

But if the smoking is done on the back deck, I don't have to see it, smell it, breath it, or watch them smoke. I can have a wonderful relationship with my relatives, but their smoking is not a part of our shared relationship. It's a part of their private life that we have a mutual respect in regards to.

 

 

I also think it's a little navie to think that he isn't at some point going to see something in a porn that he wants to do with his partner or isn't going to be thinking about the hot girl he just watched getting banged. I have no doubt that men can compartmentalize better. But I don't think that means it doesn't effect him on other levels.

 

This is where YOU set the boundaries, Jersey Shortie. If you don't want to do something sexual...regardless of whether he got the idea from a porn video or a lovemaking manual...DON'T DO IT. Sex is a consensual thing...two consenting adults. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Isn't this something we all learn as teenage girls? And if the guy doesn't take NO for an answer, then he doesn't respect us. Am I right?

 

There is NO WAY you are ever going to control his thoughts. You will drive yourself crazy worrying about what he is thinking and you will drive him crazy trying to control what he is thinking.

 

A person is going to think what they are going to think and there is nothing you are going to do about that.

 

I may be the first to admit that my mind has drifted OFF my husband from time to time in the midst of lovemaking. A fantasy or two has found its way into the recesses of my brain. Heck, even a scene or two from a romance movie has made its way into the midst of our lovemaking. I will even go as far as to admit that an unpaid bill or an unanswered phone call has crossed my mind during sex..

 

How accountable are you going to hold a person to the thoughts they have during lovemaking? In the end, if you and he are both happy and satisfied, what does it matter? And if he keeps coming back to YOU to make love to, what does it matter? What are you being deprived of?

 

 

 

Finding other people attractive is fine. It's taking it to the next level to seek and act it out that I think bothers alot of women. I don't mind if he can logically observe another woman is attractive. But if he is lusting after her, it changes the dynamic.

 

I agree men should not visibly display feelings of lust toward other women. But I think men and women are different in regard to how quickly they can develop lustful feelings. A man's lust is almost simultaneous with visual stimulation. A woman's lust for a man builds much slower...kind of like how our orgasms are.

 

A man can feel lust for 50 women in a day if he's around that many women. But a woman wouldn't do that...she's much more discerning...her feelings of lust arise from both physical and mental stimulation. A man...well...he sees, he erects...simple as that.

 

 

 

Their partner has choosen them. But their partner is also choosing to indirectly seek out and get off to other women. The message is very conflicting. Especially since the type of women men seek out in these videos are of a limited age group and certain body type. So yes, there are many men out there wanking off at the expense of their real life partner. He chooses to be with his partner but he also chooses to look at porn to fullfill himself sexually. He chooses to be his partner but his eyes are still lighting up and getting excited over other women. Who wants to be the reality when the fantasy is obviously so much better for alot of men? Seems like it's better to be the fantasy then his reality. Men say how important their real life woman is but it's never as important as needing porn as well.

 

 

You see it this way because you see yourself in competition with porn stars in a video. The minute you stop trying to identify with these women, the less conflicted you will be.

 

I totally understand if your man is spending time with porn that is taking time away from you. That is a matter of him having priorities mixed up. But if he is looking at porn while he's lying in bed and you are shaving your legs in the bathroom, who cares?

 

Tell me this...when you have sex with your husband, are you satisfied with his lovemaking to you? Also, are you getting enough sex with him, ie, are you making love as often as you would like?

 

 

 

If you have a woman trying hard to meet your sexual ones, why can't you try hard to meet her emotional ones?

 

Men and women should be trying to meet each other's emotional and physical needs.

 

What emotional need is it that you want your man to meet? If your man is having regular, satisfying sex with you, is he not telling you by his actions how attractive, how desireable you are?

 

You sound as if you have a poor self-image. If you thought you were as attractive or as desireable as the women in the porn videos you probably wouldn't even care if he looked at them.

 

It all comes down to self-image.

 

You know, a long time ago, when my husband and I were dating, he went to a bachelor party where there was a stripper. I got very upset about it...that he would stay and ogle a stripper rather than be home with me (I have since changed my thinking). Within the week I saw this stripper. She was UGLY...looked like Fiona on Shrek. I laughed so hard and wondered what I had gotten so upset about. The only thing that made a difference in how I felt about the whole incident was that, in the end, I knew I looked better than her. It all boiled down to self-image.

[vander]

It all comes down to self-image.

 

You know, a long time ago, when my husband and I were dating, he went to a bachelor party where there was a stripper. I got very upset about it...that he would stay and ogle a stripper rather than be home with me (I have since changed my thinking). Within the week I saw this stripper. She was UGLY...looked like Fiona on Shrek. I laughed so hard and wondered what I had gotten so upset about. The only thing that made a difference in how I felt about the whole incident was that, in the end, I knew I looked better than her. It all boiled down to self-image.

 

Thanks for sharing that. My fiance is about to have his bachelor party in two and a half weeks, complete with strippers. I've been so upset about the strippers that I've been getting physically sick over it.

 

I think you're right, I'm upset because of my negative self-image. I'm afraid I'm inadequate, that I'm not good enough for him, that the strippers will provide what I'll never be able to, and he'll be thinking of them on our wedding night instead of enjoying being with me.

 

If I had a better self-image, I would not see them as a threat.

 

So thanks for sharing that story -- it gives me some good perspective and it will help.

[JackJack]

Does he know you are physically sick over it? Would he not go along with having them if he knew how you were that upset over it? if not, that might be a good indicator on how things might possibly go in your marriage..I'm not saying it WILL for sure..I'm saying its possible...

[vander]

Does he know you are physically sick over it? Would he not go along with having them if he knew how you were that upset over it? if not, that might be a good indicator on how things might possibly go in your marriage..I'm not saying it WILL for sure..I'm saying its possible...

 

He knows that my feelings are hurt. He says he asked his buddies for no strippers, but he can't help it if they've already decided to hire them anyway. He says I just need to trust him. He said that if I trust him enough, I won't be upset. Then he got all insulted that I don't seem to trust him.

 

I can't talk to him anymore about it, or he gets upset. He's convinced that I'm upset because I don't trust him. I tried to explain to him that I'm upset and afraid because of my own emotional insecurities. But of course, he doesn't understand.

 

So since he's upset that I don't trust him, and he gets more upset the more I try to explain myself, I've just got to shut up and hide how I feel. I can't tell him that I'm literally sick over it. He'll just become more insulted that he thinks I don't trust him.

 

Let him have the party with the strippers. Maybe he'll believe that I trust him. Besides it's not his fault that I have insecurity issues. Why should he be punished because I have issues? It's my problem and I have to get over it.

 

In the process, I feel like a piece of ****. I can't compete with strippers. I'm not good enough. Dealing with those negative thoughts on the wedding night is going to be tough.

 

I was excited about the wedding night, but I'm dreading it now. I won't be able to enjoy it with thoughts of strippers dancing though his head.

[taylor]

Thanks for sharing that. My fiance is about to have his bachelor party in two and a half weeks, complete with strippers. I've been so upset about the strippers that I've been getting physically sick over it.

 

I think you're right, I'm upset because of my negative self-image. I'm afraid I'm inadequate, that I'm not good enough for him, that the strippers will provide what I'll never be able to, and he'll be thinking of them on our wedding night instead of enjoying being with me.

 

If I had a better self-image, I would not see them as a threat.

 

So thanks for sharing that story -- it gives me some good perspective and it will help.

 

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals, Vander.

 

One more thought for you that helped me put things in the proper perspective:

 

I felt sorry for this woman. Here were 20+ drunk, staggering men eyeing up her boobs and her butt and her fu-fu, swearing and snorting and puking and stumbling. Would you really want to be that girl...even if you had looks to kill.

 

And in a few weeks where will you be? You will be that beautiful bride and your fiance will be staring at your beauty...inside and out..with love and admiration and appreciation...and thinking to himself..I am the luckiest guy in the world to have HER.

 

Don't ever compare yourself to a stripper...feel sorry for her.

 

Again, congratulations!

[blair08]

He knows that my feelings are hurt. He says he asked his buddies for no strippers, but he can't help it if they've already decided to hire them anyway. He says I just need to trust him. He said that if I trust him enough, I won't be upset. Then he got all insulted that I don't seem to trust him.

 

I can't talk to him anymore about it, or he gets upset. He's convinced that I'm upset because I don't trust him. I tried to explain to him that I'm upset and afraid because of my own emotional insecurities. But of course, he doesn't understand.

 

So since he's upset that I don't trust him, and he gets more upset the more I try to explain myself, I've just got to shut up and hide how I feel. I can't tell him that I'm literally sick over it. He'll just become more insulted that he thinks I don't trust him.

 

Let him have the party with the strippers. Maybe he'll believe that I trust him. Besides it's not his fault that I have insecurity issues. Why should he be punished because I have issues? It's my problem and I have to get over it.

 

In the process, I feel like a piece of ****. I can't compete with strippers. I'm not good enough. Dealing with those negative thoughts on the wedding night is going to be tough.

 

I was excited about the wedding night, but I'm dreading it now. I won't be able to enjoy it with thoughts of strippers dancing though his head.

 

Sounds like a big mess, sorry!

 

His friends sound like a bunch of winners too, IF HE infact really did tell them NOT to hire them and they did anyway. It his party, he could choose to go or not....

 

Sorry, you're the one stuck with these feelings while he is going to go out and do what he wants....maybe you and some friends could have a little bachlorette party for you..maybe go to a male strip club?

[taylor]

He knows that my feelings are hurt. He says he asked his buddies for no strippers, but he can't help it if they've already decided to hire them anyway. He says I just need to trust him. He said that if I trust him enough, I won't be upset. Then he got all insulted that I don't seem to trust him.

 

YES, trust him Vander. Your fiance loves you and wants to marry you..wants to spend the rest of his life making love to you.

 

Don't make a big deal out of a stupid traditional bachelor party..it means nothing. The strippers are more for the other guys than your husband anyways.

 

 

 

In the process, I feel like a piece of ****. I can't compete with strippers. I'm not good enough. Dealing with those negative thoughts on the wedding night is going to be tough.

 

HERE WE GO AGAIN! Stop trying to compete with strippers. Why are you lowering yourself to that. If you want to be a stripper, go to some sleezy club, take your clothes off in front of a room full of drunken men, and let them gaze at your private parts. THAT's WHAT YOU ARE JEALOUS OF?

 

 

PLEEEZ, these strippers aren't even in your same league. Heck, they aren't even in the same ballpark.

 

It's funny, you will be thinking of strippers on your wedding night and your husband won't be thinking of anything but YOU!

 

I was excited about the wedding night, but I'm dreading it now. I won't be able to enjoy it with thoughts of strippers dancing though his head.

 

Honey, strippers will be the farthest thing from your new husband's mind on your wedding night. TRUST ME!!!!

[Juniper22]

He knows that my feelings are hurt. He says he asked his buddies for no strippers, but he can't help it if they've already decided to hire them anyway. He says I just need to trust him. He said that if I trust him enough, I won't be upset. Then he got all insulted that I don't seem to trust him.

 

I can't talk to him anymore about it, or he gets upset. He's convinced that I'm upset because I don't trust him. I tried to explain to him that I'm upset and afraid because of my own emotional insecurities. But of course, he doesn't understand.

 

So since he's upset that I don't trust him, and he gets more upset the more I try to explain myself, I've just got to shut up and hide how I feel. I can't tell him that I'm literally sick over it. He'll just become more insulted that he thinks I don't trust him.

 

Let him have the party with the strippers. Maybe he'll believe that I trust him. Besides it's not his fault that I have insecurity issues. Why should he be punished because I have issues? It's my problem and I have to get over it.

 

In the process, I feel like a piece of ****. I can't compete with strippers. I'm not good enough. Dealing with those negative thoughts on the wedding night is going to be tough.

 

I was excited about the wedding night, but I'm dreading it now. I won't be able to enjoy it with thoughts of strippers dancing though his head.

 

Oh hun, let him have his stripper party...You go and do your thing, and pay no mind to that. Hopefully once you're married he'll respect you on how you feel on things....to bad it doesn't seem he does now..maybe it will change, maybe not...its a risk you take I suppose....just have all ears and eyes open and you'll be ok! Go with that gut insticnt and never compromise how you feel about something!

[The Collector]

Despite what I said about porn, I think strippers are a different ball game. Some of them do more than strip, and even if they don't I think a husband (to be) can only see strippers with his wife(to be)'s permission, and flying into a 'you don't trust me' sulk isn't fooling anyone.

[Jersey Shortie]

No, no pretending. Not at all. In fact, you are fully acknowledging that your man is enjoying his porn in the next room. You know it. He knows it. But he also knows you do not want it in your face and you want no part of it. Therefore, he must completely compartmentalize it by separating his fantasy world from your (his and your) real life.

 

And no, he's not hiding it..He is SEPARATING IT from his life with you.

 

I’m sorry but it is pretending. Compromise isn’t that one person gets to live out every little need they have on their own and their partner being the one to have to make all the concessions knowing it’s going on. That is not compromise. I think it’s very naïve to make the claim that because he doing it in private, that it is somehow all now better and separate and wonderful and respectful. He is getting all his needs met but she is still left with a partner that is seeking out gratification from other women and is the only one left having to compromise on her needs. Frankly, there is not one thing in that situation described that makes the man compromise on. But please, if you feel there is, I would like to see what your answer to that would be. I certainly see what the woman is compromising on. I fail to see what concession the man is making in favor of his partner.

 

This is where YOU set the boundaries, Jersey Shortie. If you don't want to do something sexual...regardless of whether he got the idea from a porn video or a lovemaking manual...DON'T DO IT. Sex is a consensual thing...two consenting adults

 

Whaattt? When did I say anything about sex not being consensual? How does this address the issues I brought up? I think you’re very naive to think that their porn lives have 100% no barring on other aspects of themselves, their sexuality and what they bring into the bedroom. If you aren’t watching porn how do you know what he is bring to the bedroom isn’t something he saw in a porno and wanted to try? Is that keeping fantasy and reality “separate”? You honestly think men keep fantasy so separate that they don’t want to do the things they see in porn, that they don’t want to do the people they see in porn? How do you know he isn’t picturing the busty 18 year old he just drooled all over himself to masturbate to while he is “making love” to you? Is that compromise and respect with his partner? I think not.

 

If a woman is doing everything she can to meet a man’s sexual needs, he needs to do his part and control himself on some level. Just as if a man is working hard to meet a woman’s emotional needs, she needs to do her part and control herself as well. That’s compromise. Not one partner doing whatever they want behind closed doors and expecting the other partner to tolerate it.

 

 

There is NO WAY you are ever going to control his thoughts. You will drive yourself crazy worrying about what he is thinking and you will drive him crazy trying to control what he is thinking.

 

I never said I wanted to control his thoughts. I am sick of all the crap men expect us to tolerate and be okay with in the name of their sexuality at the price of a woman’s personal needs. That’s what it comes down to. His needs as a man are more important at the expense of a woman’s needs as a woman. That seems to be the general opinion of most men. They don't care what our needs are as long as they get porn and a real woman at the same time. They don't have to make any real effort to do their best to be there for their mate.

 

A person is going to think what they are going to think and there is nothing you are going to do about that.

 

And when you put yourself in a mind frame to seek out the same material on a repeated basis, you become what you think even more. You certainly don’t become less of it and learn to "seperate" it.

 

I may be the first to admit that my mind has drifted OFF my husband from time to time in the midst of lovemaking. A fantasy or two has found its way into the recesses of my brain. Heck, even a scene or two from a romance movie has made its way into the midst of our lovemaking. I will even go as far as to admit that an unpaid bill or an unanswered phone call has crossed my mind during sex.

 

Unpaid bill and another person are two different things. His mind drifts to baseball while have sex, okay, I get it. His mind drifts to some chick he saw on the street or in porn, he is being demeaning towards the sexual experience with me. You don't feel that way, that's your business. But how dare you tell me not to or that I am wrong for thinking that. Romance novels don’t get me excited and I don’t think about other men when I am with my partner. Because it’s about me and him. Actually, your the only woman I know of that gets excited at romance novels.

 

How accountable are you going to hold a person to the thoughts they have during lovemaking? In the end, if you and he are both happy and satisfied, what does it matter? And if he keeps coming back to YOU to make love to, what does it matter? What are you being deprived of?

 

But that's the whole point isn't it. A lot of women aren’t happy or satisfied. Are you going to tell those women they are silly but in the same breath defend’s men desire to view porn? That wouldn’t objectively be fair now would it. Maybe the woman had an orgasm. Big deal. All the distress that women have about this subject isn’t always sexual but often is about their emotional un-satisfaction he is failing to provide. Just a wife can fail to provide sexual satisfaction. Does a woman’s un-satisfaction with the emotional part of the relationship have to come at the price of his desire to seek out other more titillating pictures of women? Is his need of a greater importance sexually then her’s emotionally? If a woman is doing her part to have sex with him, and he is still gorging himself on porn, what’s the point anymore to do anything at all for him sexually?

 

 

I agree men should not visibly display feelings of lust toward other women.

 

I never said a man sould not “visably” display his feelings of lust for another woman. A man or woman should be able to objectively notice another attractive person but not take it to the next level of lusting after that person.

 

Yo

u see it this way because you see yourself in competition with porn stars in a video. The minute you stop trying to identify with these women, the less conflicted you will be.

 

I see it that way because that’s my thought belief. And a very natural one. We shun women for their very natural feelings about porn but we encourage men to indulge theirs.

 

Oh and when do men stop identifying with porn? Because this is exactly what it’s about. Men identify with porn. More so then women. Men identify with it hugly.

 

 

I totally understand if your man is spending time with porn that is taking time away from you. That is a matter of him having priorities mixed up

 

I think it’s actually how much effort men put into defending porn that has their priorities mixed up.

 

 

Tell me this...when you have sex with your husband, are you satisfied with his lovemaking to you? Also, are you getting enough sex with him, ie, are you making love as often as you would like?

 

I don’t have a husband. Sexual satisfaction is just as important as emotional. I could be sexually satisfied but emotionally unsatisfied. Both components make up a relationship. Just as he can be as well. I wouldn’t keep doing something that made him unhappy. If it was something that wasn’t important to me as men claim porn to be to them. Men say porn isn’t important yet defend it at the cost of their SO. If a woman is meeting a man’s sexual needs why does he need the porn? He's liek the fat kid with the cheese cake and it's unattractive.

 

What emotional need is it that you want your man to meet? If your man is having regular, satisfying sex with you, is he not telling you by his actions how attractive, how desireable you are?

 

No, the desire for sex alone doesn’t’ tell me I’m attractive or desirable. He is telling me he is horny. The emotional need go beyond the bedroom. No less valid then his sexual needs. When women complain about porn use, their emotional needs obviously aren't being met. And they aren't silly to have them. Just as men aren't silly when the complain for their sexual needs not being met. If I am providing his sexual needs, then what’s the point of porn? There is no point to it. If I am providing his sexual needs and he is still turning to porn, then he can just have the porn. No need to try anymore. If men want women to care about ther sexual ones, they need to care about women's emtoinal ones. His sexual needs don't overide the woman he is in the relationship with.

 

You sound as if you have a poor self-image. If you thought you were as attractive or as desireable as the women in the porn videos you probably wouldn't even care if he looked at them.

 

I think it sounds like you have a poor self image actually.

 

I don’t think men watch porn for the ugly girls. But the truth is that most porn is of a limited ideal of a womans’ body and a limited age range. That's not about having porn self image. That's being honest about the message men are telling the woman in their lives through their porn use. So all those women that dedicated their lives to a man, as they get older,still have men that view porn of the same age group of women. What a nice thank you to the years a woman dedicated her life to him.

 

 

It all comes down to self-image.

 

Yes it does. I have enough self respect to not sell myself out for some affection from a man just so he can have his cake and eat it too.

 

You know, a long time ago, when my husband and I were dating, he went to a bachelor party where there was a stripper. I got very upset about it...that he would stay and ogle a stripper rather than be home with me (I have since changed my thinking). Within the week I saw this stripper. She was UGLY...looked like Fiona on Shrek. I laughed so hard and wondered what I had gotten so upset about. The only thing that made a difference in how I felt about the whole incident was that, in the end, I knew I looked better than her. It all boiled down to self-image.

 

 

One ugly stripper and that somehow proves that all strippers are A-okay and men don’t do things with them they shouldn’t be or lust after them. What does it matter if she was ugly or not, your husband/boyfriend was ogling and lusting after her and got a free pass to do so while you were at home being the good little girl. Male strippers and female strippers not the same thing. He went and enjoyed himself out of selfishness and loyatly to his desirse and needs, not yours. I personally ask for better of a man because I know they can give much more.

[Jersey Shortie]

He knows that my feelings are hurt. He says he asked his buddies for no strippers, but he can't help it if they've already decided to hire them anyway. He says I just need to trust him. He said that if I trust him enough, I won't be upset. Then he got all insulted that I don't seem to trust him.

 

I can't talk to him anymore about it, or he gets upset. He's convinced that I'm upset because I don't trust him. I tried to explain to him that I'm upset and afraid because of my own emotional insecurities. But of course, he doesn't understand.

 

So since he's upset that I don't trust him, and he gets more upset the more I try to explain myself, I've just got to shut up and hide how I feel. I can't tell him that I'm literally sick over it. He'll just become more insulted that he thinks I don't trust him.

 

Let him have the party with the strippers. Maybe he'll believe that I trust him. Besides it's not his fault that I have insecurity issues. Why should he be punished because I have issues? It's my problem and I have to get over it.

 

In the process, I feel like a piece of ****. I can't compete with strippers. I'm not good enough. Dealing with those negative thoughts on the wedding night is going to be tough.

 

I was excited about the wedding night, but I'm dreading it now. I won't be able to enjoy it with thoughts of strippers dancing though his head.

 

 

 

 

I felt sorry for this woman. Here were 20+ drunk, staggering men eyeing up her boobs and her butt and her fu-fu, swearing and snorting and puking and stumbling. Would you really want to be that girl...even if you had looks to kill.

 

And in a few weeks where will you be? You will be that beautiful bride and your fiance will be staring at your beauty...inside and out..with love and admiration and appreciation...and thinking to himself..I am the luckiest guy in the world to have HER.

 

Don't ever compare yourself to a stripper...feel sorry for her.

 

First of all, I feel sorry for the women of these drunk men that got drunk and oggled and did other things with the stripper. I fee lsorry for the wives/gfs sitting at home thinking their men are respecting them. Their not. It's not the stripper in this situation that is pathetic and that you need to feel sorry for. It's the men that have women at home that are disrespecting this girl and their SOs. What is more disgracefull behavior? The girl doing her job or the men swearing, spitting and stumbling acting like fools for some piece of ass while their wives sit ignorantly at home. I feel sorry for the men and their SOs.

 

Yeah, in two weeks she will be marrying a man that cared more about what his friends thought and his needs and got pissed at her for evey trying to express hers. What a winner.

 

Vander, your marrying a man that doesn't seem to give much thought to your feelings. expect the rest of the marriage to follow suite. Good luck with that. Perhaps yo ushould go out with a bunch of men and see what your future husband thinks about that.

[c-riouz]

As always, great posts, JS.

 

And so true, unfortunately.

[Mary3]

I do have one question, if we as women are to fully accept and embrace the fact that our husbands basically have 2 sexual lives..one with us and another with an ever growing list of 10,000 women who give them massive wood. Is it okay to tell a horny husband, that you aren't in the mood and would prefer it if he'd jerk off to porn ?

 

It just seems to me that if a guy can chose to use porn anytime he likes even if it means he won't be interested when his wife is and will decline sex, that the wife should be also able to say "thanks but no thanks, go enjoy your porn"

 

I sense he would regard this as vengeful thinking. I feel your pain in this post but your husband might take it like : " Okay you have the porn now honey so go in the bedroom and wank it " While viewing porn does not lead to cheating in itself, denying your husband sexually could lead him to cheat. Not condoning cheating behavior in any way but thats what some men might do when denied sexually...over a period of time.

[Mary3]

SoSerious,

 

I totally agree with you here.

 

I don't care for porn but if I was with a guy who did, I would not stop him from viewing the TV or Computer screen. He's an adult, it's legal, and I would have no right to censor what he views as if he were a child. If that is the kind of entertainment he likes to watch, who am I to say he can't. I'm not his mother.

 

However, by the same token, has has no right to expect me to watch it or to participate in what he viewed on the screen.

 

Porn is HIS world. Not mine.

 

I would say to women who do not care for porn but who choose to live with men who do: COMPARTMENTALIZE the porn. Keep that fantasy world separate from your real world, meaning this:

 

The porn stays in one room of the house, out of sight or access from ANYONE who chooses not to see it or should not be seeing it (children).

 

The porn does not take time away from family activities or couple activities, but is viewed during down-time only.

 

If a man wants to jerk off to porn in the privacy of his porn room, he can, but all porn activity ceases when he leaves the room..no mention of it, no talk of it, zilch.

 

And above all, no expectation that the fantasy of porn will transcend into the real world of love making. No identification of a wife/gf to a porn star (that's insulting and disrespectful) and no suggestion that any porn acts be "re-enacted" in real life.

 

This way you keep the fantasy porn world in it's own little compartment, separate from the real world in which you live.

 

HE can fantasize all he wants in his little porn room, but the fantasy ends when he leaves the room.

 

This is the only way to compromise on the issue, IMO.

 

To put him and * it * off in another room is telling your man that you don't agree with his porn. Any type of ultimatums and you will lose. Men don't take too kindly too ultimatums. You may * think * you are getting what you want if he caves in but ultimately you bear the price to pay because he will harbor resentment towards you.

[JackJack]

Most all ultimatums work, if you follow through with them of course. If you spout them off left and right only to not follow through, then yes they will not take you seriously, laugh you off and continue on.

[soserious1]

I sense he would regard this as vengeful thinking. I feel your pain in this post but your husband might take it like : " Okay you have the porn now honey so go in the bedroom and wank it " While viewing porn does not lead to cheating in itself, denying your husband sexually could lead him to cheat. Not condoning cheating behavior in any way but thats what some men might do when denied sexually...over a period of time.

 

Well Mary, one of the nice things about growing older is that over time you simply don't give a damn, if any man has to sit around drooling at porn for an hour to get enough of an erection to be with me, I'm not interested and if he takes offense to my refusal to be used as a human fleshlight he's more than welcome to go out and get with any lil'l honey that he thinks will bed him.That option is a LOT more honest imho than the current status quo of massive porn watching,ogling other women openly and acting like he deserves some sort of award for remaining faithful in body only. You want other women? please,feel free to go get em,with my blessings.

 

Now, my man can have his porn and he can have other women too... coming to me only when he sexually desires me. It doesn't get much better than that and that's the best "compromise" I can think of.

[soserious1]

To put him and * it * off in another room is telling your man that you don't agree with his porn. Any type of ultimatums and you will lose. Men don't take too kindly too ultimatums. You may * think * you are getting what you want if he caves in but ultimately you bear the price to pay because he will harbor resentment towards you.

 

I think the expectation that a person will reserve their fantasy self-pleasuring for their private time is reasonable. I also think it's reasonable to expect that a person will keep sexual pictures,films,magazines, sex toys private also.

 

He wants to indulge in porn? fine, I'm not interested in watching it with him,I'm not interested in discussing his hobby with him and I don't want to view his pics

and vids on my personal computer. If he builds "resentment" around this, well, I hope he doesn't let the door hit him in the rump on his way out.