trying to resolve porn issue

[taylor]

First, what is a FU-FU?

 

A woman's vaginal area. Sorry.(lol)

 

 

 

I knew women had a sex drive, but even I was a bit schocked.

 

Women have always had a sex drive...but have not always felt comfortable expressing it in a society that for a long time deemed it unacceptable, unattractive, or immoral. Those stigmas no longer exist..as much.

 

Think about all the other real-life things that are happening at the same time. All the cheating, the un-happy women, and divorce. I've heard stories of housewives banging contractors, or trademen that come to the house, and I've known of one or two myself. You can also google info of wives or girlfriends having sex with their SO's best friend-and vice versa. So, now, you can't even bring a goodlooking friend around without your SO lusting. Is everything tempting these days?

 

Things have always been tempting to men and women. But only until recently have women felt more comfortable indulging in their temptations. Men, on the other hand, have always had free reign to indulge in their temptations. It's not that women have suddenly found their sex drive, it's that they have suddenly been given the green light to express it.

 

 

 

I know that I want my wife to desire me-not to have sex out of marital obligation or even because I did cartwheels to be so romantic. I should do all those things, but I'll be goddamned if some guy on the screen who does nothing for her in life gets the optimum lust.

 

It's you she's having sex with...touching, holding, kissing. You are the real deal. That always supercedes what's on a screen or in a magazine , IMO.

 

I want my wife wanting me.

 

ANd if she is having sex with you, she does want you. Women don't have sex with men they don't want.

 

There will always be someone better looking and better endowed, but I don't want to be so out of their class- as is often the case with so many gullable men today, and they are paying the price.

 

There are shallow, superficial women in the world who will lust after well-endowed men for the experience. BUT, I believe most women still want men for all the other wonderful things they bring into our lives...their sense of humor, their strength, their intelligence, their boyish charm, etc. It doesnt begin and end with a big penis. We fall in love with men before we even get a chance to see their penis. Go figure. (lol)

 

 

The fun would be if they didn't feel the need to look at it because they feel they have all they need.

 

And I think this is the point Jersey is making as well. And I do understand it. This would be the ideal relationship.

 

the only fun would be if she didn't feel the desire to go-of her own free will.

 

Again, another sentiment I am sure Jersey would agree with. I do, too. BUT this is an ideal...the perfect relationship.

[Constantine]

Beeing one of the guys that watch porn while beeing in a relationship i can honestly say that watching it has nothing to do with how i feel for my partner.

 

She happens to be fine with it though she doesnt watch it herself so i cant really say how i would feel if she asked me to stop as that has never been the case.

I suspect i wouldnt be happy about it cause it has no impact on how i feel for her nor is it a substitute for our love life, just something i have on the side.

[Jersey Shortie]

Really taylor, all you are doing is talking at me, not to me. I will address a few points bit I can't keep explaining things to you to have you keep fighting back because you have accepted porn in yuor life.

 

OMG, make me laugh!

 

The point I was trying to make is nothing can compare to the real thing...YOU.

 

 

You keep stressing this point but it doesn't correlate with the way men behave even if you want to keep forcing that opinion as truth.

 

 

 

No, you don't know. But what difference does it make where he gets a sexual idea from? If you are uncomfortable with ANY sexual idea, don't do it. Isn't that what really matters...doing in the bedroom only that which you feel comfortable doing?

 

Were you not the one preaching about seperate your husband's fantasy life is from your own personal sexual one and that's why it was okay for him to view porn? You tell me. You're the one making the point that as long as he isn't bringing things into the bedroom from porn, it's all good.

 

 

If he comes in the bedroom and tells you he got an idea from the porn video, and you don't like the idea, you tell him you want no part of it. That keeps it separate.

 

Yeah, because a man that knows his wife wants porn and real life seperate is going to tell her his idea came from a porno.

 

 

 

And how do you know he isn't thinking of just you? How do you really know? This is your insecurity talking.

 

And I think it's a huge male insecurity to hold on so tight to their porn. And a huge insecurity to still desire it even if your wife/gf is doing alot to provide for you sexually. I think alot of men today abuse porn use..with the boom of the internet and all, it's obvious it's affected men for the worse.

 

 

 

Oh, I think they do. Men love it when women dress in sexy lingerie, put on sensual lotions and perfumes, and indulge in their own sexual fantasies.

 

You cut and pasted this qoute to respond to the smallest part of it. Didn't address the heart of what I was talking about.

 

 

 

What you really mean is you don't want them to indulge in more sexual things than you think they should. No, you really don't love how sexual men are because that's what makes them want to indulge in porn in the first place.

 

Please don't tell me what I am and what I like or don't like, especially when I have already said otherwise, and I will kindly do the same for you. Pretty messed up.

 

 

A man is not attempting to deny you anything or hurt you in any way by watching a porn video. But when you tell him to turn the video off or put the magazine down you are taking a basic right away from him.

 

When did I ever say I told a boyfriend to put the porn down? More often then not, men care more about their porn use then they do the woman they are a partner with.

 

And I am not attempting to hurt him or deny him anything either. But doesn't mean that's not the outcome sometimes does it.

 

 

If the men were looking at porn videos with average looking 40 year old women in them, would you be as upset?

 

It all comes down to self-image again.

 

Yeah, lets condemn women for self image when their husbands and boyfriends are getting off to 20 year olds with implants doing crazy stuff but lets completely give a free pass for men indulging in their own behaviors . Riiigggght...faiir.

 

 

 

 

Why put the effort in? Ahhhh...because you enjoy sex too...sometimes???!!! Don't tell me all the effort is JUST for HIM. You get something out of it, too, I hope.

 

Duh. But it still requires effort. If I am putting in the effort sexually, he needs to do the same emotionally.

[Mary3]

Would it upset you as much if he were masterbating to a video of a 350 lb woman ?

 

How about a AAA flat chested women ?

 

How about a 50 year old woman versus a 20 year old ?

 

How about a video of a MAN playing with a man ?

 

The above questions are mostly for the posters who were upset their SO's were wanking to the aforementioned 20 year old hotties ...

[soserious1]

Would it upset you as much if he were masterbating to a video of a 350 lb woman ?

 

How about a AAA flat chested women ?

 

How about a 50 year old woman versus a 20 year old ?

 

How about a video of a MAN playing with a man ?

 

The above questions are mostly for the posters who were upset their SO's were wanking to the aforementioned 20 year old hotties ...

 

Mary, I don't care what a guy watches,ogles or drools over, as long as he doesn't make the erection that results my problem it's all good and if that means he gets his relief elsewhere that's fine.

[Porn_Guy]

Honestly men here, can a man view porn, masturbate to it, and still remain physically faithful to his wife? ..

some men can and some can't...hopefully he's in the former category

[taylor]

Would it upset you as much if he were masterbating to a video of a 350 lb woman ?

 

How about a AAA flat chested women ?

 

How about a 50 year old woman versus a 20 year old ?

 

How about a video of a MAN playing with a man ?

 

The above questions are mostly for the posters who were upset their SO's were wanking to the aforementioned 20 year old hotties ...

 

One time a boyfriend of mine took me to a bar where there was ONE stripper dancing on a stage in a corner.

 

I was outraged that he would take me in a place like that.

 

But as we sat at the bar and had a drink I took a close look at the stripper. She was about 40 years old, scrawny, boobs hanging to the floor, no butt, and she wasn't that great of a dancer either.

 

All of my "outrage" disappeared instantly. I just felt sorry for her.

 

The point is it came down to self-image. It wasn't that these men were looking at a naked woman. It wasn't that these men were getting aroused by a naked woman. It was the threat that this woman they were looking at might be better looking or more appealing than me. When I realized she wasn't, it didn't bother me one bit.

 

The thing is women can feel threatened by other women in a myriad of settings if they perceive other women are better looking/more appealing than they are. I am a woman and if I am in a room full of beautiful woman I can easily feel self-conscious or uncomfortable about my looks..there doesn't even have to be a man present. Put a man in the mix, say...MY MAN...and I can quickly and easily feel my positive self-image slipping. Should my man begin to enjoy the company of these women...should these women begin to captivate his attention, there goes my perceived value right down the toilet.

 

We women are conditioned to believe our value, especially our physical value, is determined by how men respond to us. Beautiful women ALWAYS catch the man's eye. A not-so-beautiful woman does not. And if you are fat or old...a man will pass you by without a glance.

 

As women, we SEE this. Men are not subtle in their response to feminine beauty or lack thereof.

 

It is very hard to hold on to a positive self-image when you are conditioned to believe your physical attributes are only as valuable as the response they illicit from the opposite sex.

 

This is why I can easily understand women feeling threatened...feeling less VALUED, when their men respond to physical beauty in porn videos and magazines.

 

The biggest threat I see is a threat to the woman's self-image because she sees it thru HIS eyes.

 

Once the self-image takes a hit, it opens up a pandora's box of insecurities:

 

He doesn't enjoy sex with me. I'm not good enough.

 

He doesn't like to look at me anymore. I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, endowed enough, young enough.

 

He doesn't love me. I'm not that important to him. He doesn't respect me. I don't mean enough to him.

 

He's going to cheat on me. I'm not enough for him.

[OpenBook]

Whoa! Talk about giving all our power away.

[taylor]

Really taylor, all you are doing is talking at me, not to me. I will address a few points bit I can't keep explaining things to you to have you keep fighting back because you have accepted porn in yuor life.

 

I am sorry if you feel I am talking at you. It was not my intention to do that. I have no desire to fight, either. I'm just trying to explore ways a couple might be able to call a "truce" when it comes to porn. Obviously I'm failing miserably with my suggestions so I will offer no more.

 

Actually, Jersey, I do not accept porn. Frankly, if my husband brought a porn video library into our home, I would tell him to hold the door and I would walk. It would be a deal-breaker for me. But not for the same reasons it would be for you.

 

I judge a person's character by what they do. I think we all do that to some extent.

 

I would not be with a man who did drugs.

I would not be with a man who was addicted to alcohol.

I would not be with a man who hit me.

And I would not be with a man who indulged in porn.

 

All of those activities lowers my opinion of a man's character. I would want a "better" man than that.

 

Just like a man who might not want a woman who strips for a living, I wouldn't want a man who participates in pornographic activities.

 

I briefly dated a man (about 4 months) who indulged in porn. I dropped him like a hot potato when I realized how "into" it he was. I had this man on a pedestal, but he plunged right off of it the second I learned of his pornographic tendencies. Porn is sordid, dirty, and ugly in my book and I quickly tag a man who indulges in porn as that.

 

We all have our own "checklists" or "criteria" when searching for that special someone. A man who does not value porn is one of mine.

 

So here's my bottom line, if you don't like porn, don't be with a man who does.

 

And if you are with a man who likes porn, and it is affecting you and your relationship negatively, find the front door, and walk. Why would you stay with someone who isn't making you happy? You have a choice.

 

If you choose not to walk, then accept the porn. A man addicted to porn is no different than a man addicted to alcohol, drugs, or domestic abuse. They aren't going to change unless they really want to...and the chances of that happening are slim. I have a girlfriend who recently left her boyfriend because he wouldn't stop smoking cigarettes. What were the chances he was going to do that FOR HER? He resented her for trying to make him stop and she resented him for not stopping. DUH.

 

 

Just a sidenote, totally off-topic: Jersey, I want you to know that the first time I saw the ocean was at the Jersey Shore. I am a Midwest girl who had college friends from the East who thought it was their duty to drive me to "the shore" to experience its wonder. We drove 10 hours to get there, on a whim, arriving at 3 a.m. It was an amazing experience. I'll never forget it!

[taylor]

Whoa! Talk about giving all our power away.

 

Women put this power into the hands of men, leaving themselves weak, vulnerable and insecure. They do it to themselves.

 

The point is they should never give this power away. Women who define their own self-worth hold on to this power. Women who are comfortable in their own skin hold on to this power. Women who aren't bothered by what men do or say hold on to this power.

 

But women who allow men to judge their value give this power away. They become sitting ducks for men who freely take aim, shooting at will, driving holes into a woman's sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

 

With respect to porn, if you don't like a man shooting holes in your self-worth with his porn indulgence, LEAVE. Don't stand for it. You have a choice. If you want to be a sitting duck, so be it. If you don't, DON'T. You have the power of choice. USE IT.

[pyroguy]

One time a boyfriend of mine took me to a bar where there was ONE stripper dancing on a stage in a corner.

 

I was outraged that he would take me in a place like that.

 

But as we sat at the bar and had a drink I took a close look at the stripper. She was about 40 years old, scrawny, boobs hanging to the floor, no butt, and she wasn't that great of a dancer either.

 

All of my "outrage" disappeared instantly. I just felt sorry for her.

 

The point is it came down to self-image. It wasn't that these men were looking at a naked woman. It wasn't that these men were getting aroused by a naked woman. It was the threat that this woman they were looking at might be better looking or more appealing than me. When I realized she wasn't, it didn't bother me one bit.

 

The thing is women can feel threatened by other women in a myriad of settings if they perceive other women are better looking/more appealing than they are. I am a woman and if I am in a room full of beautiful woman I can easily feel self-conscious or uncomfortable about my looks..there doesn't even have to be a man present. Put a man in the mix, say...MY MAN...and I can quickly and easily feel my positive self-image slipping. Should my man begin to enjoy the company of these women...should these women begin to captivate his attention, there goes my perceived value right down the toilet.

 

We women are conditioned to believe our value, especially our physical value, is determined by how men respond to us. Beautiful women ALWAYS catch the man's eye. A not-so-beautiful woman does not. And if you are fat or old...a man will pass you by without a glance.

 

As women, we SEE this. Men are not subtle in their response to feminine beauty or lack thereof.

 

It is very hard to hold on to a positive self-image when you are conditioned to believe your physical attributes are only as valuable as the response they illicit from the opposite sex.

 

This is why I can easily understand women feeling threatened...feeling less VALUED, when their men respond to physical beauty in porn videos and magazines.

 

The biggest threat I see is a threat to the woman's self-image because she sees it thru HIS eyes.

 

Once the self-image takes a hit, it opens up a pandora's box of insecurities:

 

He doesn't enjoy sex with me. I'm not good enough.

 

He doesn't like to look at me anymore. I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, endowed enough, young enough.

 

He doesn't love me. I'm not that important to him. He doesn't respect me. I don't mean enough to him.

 

He's going to cheat on me. I'm not enough for him.

 

 

And, I think I've showed that it can go both ways. No matter how good you think you might be, I think every one will struggle with some confidence at some point- it's natural. Some of the best athletes will tell you when they are in a slump, it's always battling that confidence- even though they are professionals.

 

We are so insane about making sure we are "secure and confiident" that we forget that it's natural to battle that sometimes, and today there are plenty of pressures on BOTH men and women. Those who claim that the best looking and in shape will be the least bothered by all this, and the one's who struggle with their self image will be the most bothered, are correct-but that's common sense, isn't it? and, I'm willing to bet that those men and women that look like strippers will be the first to start feeling less than when their mint looks begin to faulter and fade.

 

By the way Taylor, I'm also from Jersey's state, about 20 minutes from the shore. Yes, it's great there, depending on where you go. I've had some of my greatest times there growing up. The whole state is actually misreprsented and misunderstood.

[taylor]

By the way Taylor, I'm also from Jersey's state, about 20 minutes from the shore. Yes, it's great there, depending on where you go. I've had some of my greatest times there growing up. The whole state is actually misreprsented and misunderstood.

 

OMG, my first love was a Jersey man I went to college with. He broke my heart. I hope you aren't HIM. (lol) But...gotta love Jersey...too many good memories.

 

Anyways, I agree, Pyro, it does go both ways. And I can see why men are feeling an ever-increasing "sting" from it all, seeing as women can now freely indulge like men in this derogatory (my opinion) world of porn.

 

Self-esteem is a fragile thing. We should all have big neon signs across our foreheads that say "handle with care" to remind others of how easily and how deeply their words and actions can affect our sense of self.

[Mary3]

Not to take this off subject but could someone tell me briefly what are the cool things about NJ ? I would love to live there ...

[taylor]

The whole state is actually .....misunderstood.

 

Must be alot of MM there.....

 

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

[Jersey Shortie]

Beeing one of the guys that watch porn while beeing in a relationship i can honestly say that watching it has nothing to do with how i feel for my partner.

 

She happens to be fine with it though she doesnt watch it herself so i cant really say how i would feel if she asked me to stop as that has never been the case.

I suspect i wouldnt be happy about it cause it has no impact on how i feel for her nor is it a substitute for our love life, just something i have on the side.

 

Perfect proof why it's useless even trying to make a man happy becuae they aren't ever happy or content with what they have. Seriously, if I indulged in my habits like alot of men indulge in theirs, I would be fat. But I use self control. Not something men today seem to respect.

[taylor]

Perfect proof why it's useless even trying to make a man happy becuae they aren't ever happy or content with what they have. Seriously, if I indulged in my habits like alot of men indulge in theirs, I would be fat. But I use self control. Not something men today seem to respect.

 

The thing is Jersey, you wouldn't indulge in your habits because you don't want to be fat. It would bother you to be fat.

 

These men indulge in their habits because they don't mind if the get "FAT" on porn.

[Mary3]

Perfect proof why it's useless even trying to make a man happy becuae they aren't ever happy or content with what they have. Seriously, if I indulged in my habits like alot of men indulge in theirs, I would be fat. But I use self control. Not something men today seem to respect.

 

The poster said " Its just something I have on the side " He also said it has no bearing on his love for his girl. Because once again you have 2 mindsets , male and female. Males mindset is that porn is good to look at. Some of the female mindsets say it isn't good to look at .

 

I just think there are worse things your husbands can do than look at porn. Like beat you , cheat on you , skip out on the bills and family , murder the neighbor , choke the cat , or wipe out your savings . Who exactly is he hurting here ? He is watching a movie . He is not touching her . If he skips to Adult Dating Web sites like Friendfinder then you had what you always had " A CHEATER. Not because of porn but because he is a cheater to begin with.

[soserious1]

The poster said " Its just something I have on the side " He also said it has no bearing on his love for his girl. Because once again you have 2 mindsets , male and female. Males mindset is that porn is good to look at. Some of the female mindsets say it isn't good to look at .

 

I just think there are worse things your husbands can do than look at porn. Like beat you , cheat on you , skip out on the bills and family , murder the neighbor , choke the cat , or wipe out your savings . Who exactly is he hurting here ? He is watching a movie . He is not touching her . If he skips to Adult Dating Web sites like Friendfinder then you had what you always had " A CHEATER. Not because of porn but because he is a cheater to begin with.

 

 

Sorry but telling women to count our blessing that he's only watching porn because he could be beating or murdering us doesn't make a good case,If that's the best we can expect Mary,why bother with relationships at all ?

[Mary3]

Sorry but telling women to count our blessing that he's only watching porn because he could be beating or murdering us doesn't make a good case,If that's the best we can expect Mary,why bother with relationships at all ?

 

If ALL relationships be void of Porn then there will be very few relationships.

[soserious1]

If ALL relationships be void of Porn then there will be very few relationships.

 

Then why bother with relationships at all Mary? We ladies can just circulate among men, they can share us much in the same way that they share their favorite porn links, it would be a lot more honest than the system we have now.

[Mary3]

Then why bother with relationships at all Mary? We ladies can just circulate among men, they can share us much in the same way that they share their favorite porn links, it would be a lot more honest than the system we have now.

 

Yes but you CAN find someone ( if he's honest ) that won't be using Porn. Place an ad and let them know this " Hot beautiful female who felt very unappreciated in her marriage is looking for an honest down to earth male who finds Porn to be revolting and disgusting . If you share my views please contact me . Soserious.

 

Now of course you may have to try a few planets but I'm sure some men out there can give you a shout out that they dont need penis rubbing skin off Porn.

[soserious1]

Yes but you CAN find someone ( if he's honest ) that won't be using Porn. Place an ad and let them know this " Hot beautiful female who felt very unappreciated in her marriage is looking for an honest down to earth male who finds Porn to be revolting and disgusting . If you share my views please contact me . Soserious.

 

Now of course you may have to try a few planets but I'm sure some men out there can give you a shout out that they dont need penis rubbing skin off Porn.

 

Mary, I don't want another monogamous relationship with anyone. I find monogamy as it's currently practiced to be revolting and disgusting. I don't want some man who's rubbing himself raw from lusting after an ever changing cast of women standing there expecting some sort of medal from me because he refrained from actually sticking his penis into one of them.

 

I'd rather cut out the BS, you lust for other women, I know it,you know it, then go be with them when the urge strikes, only come around here when you feel the urge for my company. The idea that a man has made some sort of huge sacrifice by being physically faithful to me is repugnant to me.

[JackJack]

So much porn so little time...people who love it spend way more time here explaining why they love it and placing it on the high priority list, when they could be watching it rather than on here.....

[sultry33]

So much porn so little time...people who love it spend way more time here explaining why they love it and placing it on the high priority list, when they could be watching it rather than on here.....

 

my thoughts exactly:laugh:

[Jersey Shortie]

I am sorry if you feel I am talking at you. It was not my intention to do that. I have no desire to fight, either. I'm just trying to explore ways a couple might be able to call a "truce" when it comes to porn. Obviously I'm failing miserably with my suggestions so I will offer no more.

 

Look, I know yo are trying to help but we just don't agree so I am fine calling truce. I mena, you said you aren't with a man that looks at porn so I don't understand why you went into all those other options to begin with.

 

 

 

Just a sidenote, totally off-topic: Jersey, I want you to know that the first time I saw the ocean was at the Jersey Shore. I am a Midwest girl who had college friends from the East who thought it was their duty to drive me to "the shore" to experience its wonder. We drove 10 hours to get there, on a whim, arriving at 3 a.m. It was an amazing experience. I'll never forget it!

 

We have great beaches here. Awesome experience.

 

 

The thing is Jersey, you wouldn't indulge in your habits because you don't want to be fat. It would bother you to be fat.

 

These men indulge in their habits because they don't mind if the get "FAT" on porn.

 

Yeah, but he sure as hell would mind if I got fat and I sure as hell mind that he gets fat on porn.

 

The poster said " Its just something I have on the side " He also said it has no bearing on his love for his girl.

 

I never once thought it made a man love his woman less. I do think it opens him up to other women, thinking about other women and comparing other women's bodies since he is getting such an overlode on visual stimulation. We are what we put in our heads.

 

Because once again you have 2 mindsets , male and female. Males mindset is that porn is good to look at. Some of the female mindsets say it isn't good to look at .

 

Obviously men think it's good to look at. That's because porn really caters to their insecurties as men.

 

I just think there are worse things your husbands can do than look at porn. Like beat you , cheat on you , skip out on the bills and family , murder the neighbor , choke the cat , or wipe out your savings . Who exactly is he hurting here ?

 

Whaaaat??? SO I should be thankful that I am not being beat but that makes looking at porn okay? What kind of logic is that?