trying to resolve porn issue

[CaliforniaGirl]

That's all I'm interested in here.

 

Obviously.

 

Can you address the issue? That's what I'm interested in. If you have other "interests" besides the actual post and actual subject matter, I'm not sure why you don't either start your own thread to address them.

 

As for your "question" here, I refuse to baby you. The words are all right there. You are trying like heck to lead this thread in a different direction, for whatever your own motives are, but right here those are irrelevant, since this thread is about the OP.

 

In that light...to the OP: How are things now? Do you want to discuss the ED issue in any more depth? I said somewhat farther back (but things have obviously gotten way off track). I would like to discuss this because I believe in your mate's case and in my case, and in others I've heard of or spoken to friends about, the two can definitely be tied in.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh, and Mary, thanks for the clarifications.

[soserious1]

Obviously.

 

Can you address the issue? That's what I'm interested in. If you have other "interests" besides the actual post and actual subject matter, I'm not sure why you don't either start your own thread to address them.

 

As for your "question" here, I refuse to baby you. The words are all right there. You are trying like heck to lead this thread in a different direction, for whatever your own motives are, but right here those are irrelevant, since this thread is about the OP.

 

In that light...to the OP: How are things now? Do you want to discuss the ED issue in any more depth? I said somewhat farther back (but things have obviously gotten way off track). I would like to discuss this because I believe in your mate's case and in my case, and in others I've heard of or spoken to friends about, the two can definitely be tied in.

 

 

The more porn my ex watched the more difficult it became for him to reach orgasm with me, he could go for a hour and not orgasm, it started as an occasional problem, then it became every time, then he wouldn't be able to orgasm unless he got oral.. then he started literally losing erections in mid act, that progressed to him losing erections when I would undress or he'd have to actually look at me or be face to face with me with the lights on during sex.

[CaliforniaGirl]

The more porn my ex watched the more difficult it became for him to reach orgasm with me, he could go for a hour and not orgasm, it started as an occasional problem, then it became every time, then he wouldn't be able to orgasm unless he got oral.. then he started literally losing erections in mid act, that progressed to him losing erections when I would undress or he'd have to actually look at me or be face to face with me with the lights on during sex.

 

Okay, so that's three of us so far.

 

Anybody else experience this?

[soserious1]

Okay, so that's three of us so far.

 

Anybody else experience this?

 

Trying to remember back in time. Our normal frequency was 2-3 times per week with both taking turns getting things started,over time it became me inititating more and more of the time, he'd either turn me down with excuses or we'd have sex and he wouldn't orgasm. We could go WEEKS with me having to ask for sex and him not being able to orgasm during any session no matter what I did.

 

We then went thru a solid 18 months of me trotting to the gym, dieting myself down to skeltor proportions, tanning beds, waxing,wigs etc at his urging.. his inability to orgasm continued.. then it started becoming my fault, I'd get up from our bed and find porn on the computer that he'd clearly been looking at prior to coming to be with me. He started saying things like ÿou should just be grateful to get off why would you care about me having an orgasm? "then I was oversexed.. then he'd started making open comments in front of me about other women's bodies, he flat out told me that sex with me was just another distasteful life chore, he was openly admiring of other men's wives and g/friends clearly conveying his lust and envy right in front of me.

 

We got to the point that I moved myself to the sofa and slept there alone for the last year of the marriage.

[Mary3]

Soserious : Could he be gay ?

I will research this and find out what I can about ED but me thinks yer hubby is messed up a bit...But who I am to say since I dont know what the heck is wrong with him yet.. Sorry

[Mary3]

Okay, so that's three of us so far.

 

Anybody else experience this?

 

I once had a great connection with this handsome guy. We did petting and kissing for a year ! Then one day it happened. He had deep religious convictions and did not believe in sex outside of marriage. Hence his peter petered out very fast and got limp. We could not complete the sex...But I think his was guilt. Sex was wrong without marriage...

 

I do think its emotional whatever it is.

 

Can range from being gay. ( Some of the ones below are physical )

 

Being ill.

 

Feeling guilt over a current affair.

 

Medicines

 

Alcohol intoxication

 

A freaky sick behavior where you hate female genetalia or hate females in general. Some screwed up things happened to you earlier in life. THIS sounds more like where this one OP problem might be going .

 

Learn and learn some more...

[soserious1]

Soserious : Could he be gay ?

I will research this and find out what I can about ED but me thinks yer hubby is messed up a bit...But who I am to say since I dont know what the heck is wrong with him yet.. Sorry

 

I've got literally terabyte's of his old files on my server here.. he liked straight porn but even more than that he enjoyed naked, semi naked young women, No evidence of any homosexual ir bi-sexual leanings. He likes women sexually, just not this woman apparently.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Soserious : Could he be gay ?

 

Now, THAT is an interesting question...for all of us experiencing this.

 

I just sat back and thought a big fat "HMMMMMMMMM."

 

Will have to think on this a while.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you want to discuss the ED issue in any more depth? I said somewhat farther back (but things have obviously gotten way off track). I would like to discuss this because I believe in your mate's case and in my case, and in others I've heard of or spoken to friends about, the two can definitely be tied in.

CG, here's what the OP said about ED and her boyfriend:

That is why it bothered me - remembering back to when we first physically together (2 years ago) he would sometimes lose his hardness - I thought that he might have a bit of ed, but that does not occur anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he needs these things to be able to perform better? He is in his late 40's. He seems quiet happy having sex once a week, I would prefer every day myself.

How does that dot a line for you between ED and porn ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[The Collector]

Obviously.

 

Can you address the issue? That's what I'm interested in. If you have other "interests" besides the actual post and actual subject matter, I'm not sure why you don't either start your own thread to address them.

 

As for your "question" here, I refuse to baby you. The words are all right there. You are trying like heck to lead this thread in a different direction, for whatever your own motives are, but right here those are irrelevant, since this thread is about the OP.

 

My 'motives' were to confront an unnecessary dig, as I saw it. I get annoyed when people play the 'calm down, why are you so emotionally invested' card. You are clearly emotionally invested in your anti-porn stance, just check out your first couple of posts in this thread.

 

I don't see how backing up your accusation with evidence is 'babying' me - and that's another provocative turn of phrase. But I'll let it go or this thread will get off track, and you are right to keep it on-topic.

 

So to the OP - almost all men like porn. It doesn't mean he is going to cheat, but if he wants to stop you feeling insecure in your relationship he should not be going 'ga-ga' over hot women he sees in stores. It's wrong to expect him to give up porn out of 'respect' for you - if he had problems with you using a vibrator, would it be fair to ask you to throw it away? If he wanted you to wear a burka out of 'rspect' is that ok too? there's a fine line between compromising for your partners needs, and giving up your personal pleasures.

 

Honestly men here, can a man view porn, masturbate to it, and still remain physically faithful to his wife? Please answer this as honestly as you can.

 

Millions of men are quite able to do this. Like how women can watch chick-flicks or read 'romance novels (female porn) or fantasise about all the things they fantasize about, without cheating. Possibly you have issues with trusting your partner not to cheat, and are projecting that onto porn. because take away all porn from the world and every man is still well aware of all the other women in the world, and he'll cheat if he is going to. If anything, porn provides a safe release for cheating instincts and satisfies a man's desire for variety without actual infidelity.

 

Your solution is to not be threatened by porn. Or try and make him give it up. Or he finds a woman who doesn't mind porn, and you find a man that doesn't care for it.

[taylor]

I think in all these women posters' cases their SO's turn to porn because they already have a pre-existing sexual performance problem and they look to porn to solve it.

 

I don't think porn causes ED. I think ED problems lead these men to porn just like ED leads men to Viagra. They try to use porn to solve a medical problem they are having.

 

I think these men are exceptions to 'normal' men who use porn solely for entertainment. These 'abnormal' men are using porn to help them do what they are having trouble doing naturally and biologically on their own. It doesn't have anything to do with the women in their lives.

 

SoSerious - I think your husband blamed you for an ED problem he wasn't willing to admit. He wasn't about to blame HIMSELF for his sexual performance problems...so of course he dumped that on you. And you bought into what he was saying. He brainwashed you into believing YOUR DEFICIENCIES caused HIS DEFICIENCIES. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

That's like someone saying I rear-ended your car because you stopped. Very childish.

 

Your husband should have gone to a urologist and addressed his penis problem rather than turn to porn to try to fix it or try to put it on you.

 

Your husband had alot of disrespect for you, in more ways than one, that you didn't deserve.

 

But I wouldn't put the blame on porn. Porn is not the bad guy here. There are men and women who view porn strictly for entertainment purposes and to spice things up in the bedroom. This is not what your husband was doing. He was trying to use porn to solve a medical problem and it wasn't working so he blamed you for it. Put the blame on him, not on the porn.

 

And FWIW, I am no fan of porn.

[EnigmasMuse]

There are down sides to porn too..but most people don't see those sides..or they don't want to either.....What bothered me the most about it was finding out what really takes place and goes on AFTER filming etc...but most people do not care about that...

 

They care about what they see on a video or in picture etc. Whats real is what goes on afterwards. Goggling the down side or dark side to porn is a good indication of finding out what its truly all about.

[taylor]

Wow! Some of you guys sound incredibly shallow........since when did the act of 'making love' within a committed and loving relationship have anything to do with how 'perfect' your partner's body is?

 

I have never physically wanted any man purely because of the way he looks - and that includes men like Brad Pitt (actually not my type).

 

If the only way you can 'get it up' is by being with, or thinking about, a beautiful specimen then that's very sad. Yes, nature dictates that youth is beautiful and attractive - but only on the physical level (which is where porn comes in for some people).

 

In a truly loving, long term relationship the shape of your partners body is irrelevant - sex gets better the longer you're together and as you become more emotionally connected - it's not an obligation you perform despite your partners physical imperfections.

 

Sex isn't just about physical release - it's about creating and enjoying a deep emotional (and physical) connection with the person you love.

 

I really feel sorry for anybody who thinks otherwise cos quite honestly you are missing the whole point of love, marriage and sex!

 

This is a thread about pornography and lust and visual stimulation. There are bound to be comments made that sound shallow and superficial because some of the subject matter itself is as such.

 

If you want to talk about emotional intimacy, commitment and love...all the things that have a deeper meaning, then you are one the wrong thread.

 

I think that's where women go wrong. They try to tie love and porn together. That's like trying to tie religion and evolution together. It's two parallel forms of thinking, not meant to be crossed.

 

A man jerking off to porn for sexual release isn't even remotely related to a man and woman sharing emotional intimacy in the arms of one another.

 

And I can't understand for the life of me why women think the two are somehow connected.

[taylor]

There are down sides to porn too..but most people don't see those sides..or they don't want to either.....What bothered me the most about it was finding out what really takes place and goes on AFTER filming etc...but most people do not care about that...

 

They care about what they see on a video or in picture etc. Whats real is what goes on afterwards. Goggling the down side or dark side to porn is a good indication of finding out what its truly all about.

 

I agree, Enigma, that there are down sides to porn (too many to list and none that haven't already been discussed in other porn threads) and that is why I am no fan of porn.

 

But my dislike for porn has nothing to do with how porn affects the relationship between a married couple. Many couple watch porn and use it to spice up the bedroom. In most cases, it's harmless fun.

 

IMO, porn does not cause problems in a marriage...if it "appears" problematic, then there is already a pre-existing problem and porn is being used to solve it or escape from it.

[JackJack]

Holy cow...I've said it before and I'll say it again...I'm so glad I don't have this problem in my marriage!

 

I have viewed porn many times in my life, and my wife and I have viewed it together. I think over time for me though, porn became boring and dull, yes its pretty much the same old kind of thing after awhile. I can't say I have watched alot by my self while married, it just doesn't do much for me.

 

Yeah, men like visual stimulation, they sure do, thank goodness I enjoy looking at my wife more, a real human being in the flesh way more than pictures or video's of strangers. I probably viewed more of that kind of thing while single.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying porn is the devil or anything, but yeah, IF it begins to take priority over a real relationship, then there is a deeper issue going on. And, yes, to the poster that mentioned there is a dark side to it, yes it is..I have read about it before, its pretty awful.

 

So to the OP, if it bothers YOU, then that's what matters. You'll have to handle it the best way you know how. Most of the time people who are really really into porn, to them it does outweigh that of a real loving connecting relationship, because they would rather have that, than put much time, and energy into really making a connection with another person. So if that's what you're looking for, then you'll probably have to be with someone who shares those same kinds of views.

[taylor]

Most of the time people who are really really into porn, to them it does outweigh that of a real loving connecting relationship, because they would rather have that, than put much time, and energy into really making a connection with another person.

 

There are alot of things that take a spouse's focus away from the relationship..sports, video games, kids, jobs, hobbies, etc.

 

It doesn't mean a spouse doesn't love you or doesn't find you attractive.

 

It means the priorities are mixed up and need adjusted.

[JackJack]

There are alot of things that take a spouse's focus away from the relationship..sports, video games, kids, jobs, hobbies, etc.

 

It doesn't mean a spouse doesn't love you or doesn't find you attractive.

 

It means the priorities are mixed up and need adjusted.

 

I never said they didn't love or care for their spouse. I also said in my post earlier if something like porn, (or whatever for that matter) takes priority over the relationship itself, then yes, its a problem.

[taylor]

I never said they didn't love or care for their spouse. I also said in my post earlier if something like porn, (or whatever for that matter) takes priority over the relationship itself, then yes, its a problem.

 

Jack, I am in full agreement with you. And I didn't say you did say that. I was actually addressing the other women posters who think that because a man looks at porn he doesn't love them or find them attractive. IMO, this is wrong thinking.

 

If a man spends alot of time viewing porn, it means he has his priorities mixed up, not that he has stopped loving his wife or that he no longer finds her attractive.

 

In exteme cases, where these men can't perform without porn, there's a medical issue that needs explored.

[JackJack]

Jack, I am in full agreement with you. And I didn't say you did say that. I was actually addressing the other women posters who think that because a man looks at porn he doesn't love them or find them attractive. IMO, this is wrong thinking.

 

If a man spends alot of time viewing porn, it means he has his priorities mixed up, not that he has stopped loving his wife or that he no longer finds her attractive.

 

In exteme cases, where these men can't perform without porn, there's a medical issue that needs explored.

 

 

I understand what you're saying.

 

I will say this though..I DO understand how it is that some women might have a problem with this. I try to look at things from both sides if possible.

 

I DO think its possible that over time, if a person is watching too much porn for example it can at some point possibly begin to erode away at some women's self esteem. Sure, some men may be involved with a woman who has low self esteem to begin with, but I also think SOMETIMES with the help of another persons actions/choices it can help to diminish a persons self esteem to a degree.

 

EXAMPLE: Let's say a man has a wife who is small breasted...ok thats fine, no problem. Let's say he tells her over and over again how much he loves her small boobs. However, lets say he views lots and lots of porn with big breasted women. Maybe that's his preference. OK well, over time, his wife will at some point begin to think, "hey he must really like big breasted women." I never said he didn' love her or anything. BUT I can see where that might begin to make her feel weird or where her self esteem be a little crushed. because he is telling her one thing, but yet viewing another.

 

The same can be said for a man with a small or average size penis. Let's say the shoe is on the other foot. Its the woman who views right much porn. She tells her husband over and over again, how much she loves his penis, no matter how small, it gets the job done. However, she is viewing lots of porn with monster size looking d*cks. Once again, over time, I would think that might be a little blow to a mans self esteem as well, if thats pretty much what his wife enjoys looking at. Doesn't mean she doesn't love or care for him, just saying I see how over time it might can erode away at ones self esteem.

 

I think even the most confident people, at some point might start to feel a little insecure at times, if their partner is telling them one thing and doing/viewing another. I think when a persons self esteem is suffering that's probably the biggest issue of all, and needs to be addressed. Wheather the person had inseurity issues to begin with, or wheather it was helped to be diminshed by another.

[taylor]

Okay, I admit, I am insecure.

 

Porn isn't the problem. This is.

 

when I saw that he looked on his own, even when getting plenty of sex with me, it made me insecure, made me feel like he was more likely to cheat. Some women are lucky and if they enjoy sex with their men, their men do not need to view porn, however in my case that is not so.

 

What does him looking at porn have to do with your love life? NOTHING.

 

Is he professing love to the porn star?

 

Why are you stooping so low as to put yourself on the same playing field as a porn star? Do you really feel you have to compete with a porn star for your husband to love you?

 

A wife and a porn star are not synonomous creatures. Why are you trying to put yourself there? You insult yourself when you do this.

 

Why are you trying to tie love and porn together? You insult the love you and he share by comparing the two.

 

 

 

I think he just enjoys it.

 

So, let him enjoy it.

 

If you enjoyed reading hot steamy romance novels, would your husband get all upset because you wanted to spend time reading about all the details of how the main male character made passionate love to the woman character? Would your husband be jealous of the male character/ Would he think you loved the male character more than you? Do you think your husband would feel insecure because he was afraid the male character was a better lover than him?

 

I do think all men notice a good body, etc.

 

Women notice good bodies on men, too. So what.

 

I knew she would have no interest in a man over twice her age... what was he thinking? and he threw out her business card, brought me a flowering plant and book, in a form of an apology...said he was never actually planning on contacting her.)

 

This has nothing to do with porn. Don't blame porn. He was looking for an ego boost. It's easy for older men to get their egos boosted by young women. Apparantly your man is in need of a little ego boosting.

 

 

How can I fix this?

 

Start watching porn with him. That will stop the polarization between the two of you (the more you tell him you hate it and the more you try to stop him from watching it, the more he will want to do it).

 

 

Honestly men here, can a man view porn, masturbate to it, and still remain physically faithful to his wife?

 

Here again you are trying to equate a man jerking off to porn to what he shares with you in the bedroom. Is there really any comparison. You insult yourself by believing the two are even remotely comparable.

 

Just tell him that I accept porn, of course I would like to look at porn featurning perfect men, and let him see it, and hopefully feel the sting of comparison a little, think that when we are out together in public that I am undressing all the men I see...Oh I know I am just insecure and immature..

 

Don't just tell him you accept it. Start watching it. Get into it. Watch it with him. Verbalize every detail of what is happening in the video: Oh, honey, did you see that? OMG, look at that! Whoa, I didn't know that was possible! My, this is really turning me on!

 

There is no way your husband will feel the sting of comparison. He knows everything on the screen is fake...just like everything in your romance novel is fake. And he can separate pornographic entertainment from his love for you. CAN YOU?

[PandorasBox]

I wonder if people have ever looked up and researched the effects of porn?

 

Ah, nevermind even if they had, it wouldn't matter to some.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong I don't dispise it or anything, but its not my cup of tea either.

[taylor]

I understand what you're saying.

 

I will say this though..I DO understand how it is that some women might have a problem with this. I try to look at things from both sides if possible.

 

I DO think its possible that over time, if a person is watching too much porn for example it can at some point possibly begin to erode away at some women's self esteem. Sure, some men may be involved with a woman who has low self esteem to begin with, but I also think SOMETIMES with the help of another persons actions/choices it can help to diminish a persons self esteem to a degree.

 

EXAMPLE: Let's say a man has a wife who is small breasted...ok thats fine, no problem. Let's say he tells her over and over again how much he loves her small boobs. However, lets say he views lots and lots of porn with big breasted women. Maybe that's his preference. OK well, over time, his wife will at some point begin to think, "hey he must really like big breasted women." I never said he didn' love her or anything. BUT I can see where that might begin to make her feel weird or where her self esteem be a little crushed. because he is telling her one thing, but yet viewing another.

 

The same can be said for a man with a small or average size penis. Let's say the shoe is on the other foot. Its the woman who views right much porn. She tells her husband over and over again, how much she loves his penis, no matter how small, it gets the job done. However, she is viewing lots of porn with monster size looking d*cks. Once again, over time, I would think that might be a little blow to a mans self esteem as well, if thats pretty much what his wife enjoys looking at. Doesn't mean she doesn't love or care for him, just saying I see how over time it might can erode away at ones self esteem.

 

I think even the most confident people, at some point might start to feel a little insecure at times, if their partner is telling them one thing and doing/viewing another. I think when a persons self esteem is suffering that's probably the biggest issue of all, and needs to be addressed. Wheather the person had inseurity issues to begin with, or wheather it was helped to be diminshed by another.

 

I hear exactly what you are saying here, Jack.

 

I do agree self-esteem issues with one partner is what makes porn problematic.

 

By the same token, self-esteem issues with one partner can make other things problematic as well that otherwise wouldn't be. For example, a husband loves sports. A wife with low self-esteem can interpret that to mean he doesn't love her or want to be with her. A husband with low self-esteem can feel the same way..even about his own children..if the wife pays alot of attention to them...over time he feels she should be spending with him. He can feel unloved or like she doesn't want to be with him. In both cases, the partner with low self esteem can start to believe, over time, that something is wrong with them.

 

Bottom line, it doesn't have to be PORN that makes a partner with low self-esteem feel this way. It can be anything.

 

I understand the "big boobs" or "big penis" line of thinking. But I will say that men and women with small body parts probably feel insecure about them anyways, and probably have for a long time, regardless of whether their SO looks at porn or not.

 

I love to watch romance movies like "The Notebook". They make me feel good. They take me into a fantasy land for awhile. But I don't sit there and compare the romance on the screen with my real life. I don't contemplate the notion of leaving my husband or cheating on him because of what I saw in a romantic movie. And my husband doesn't feel insecure because he is not as romantic, smooth, or as charming as the man in the movie.

 

So, I don't think women or men should get so worked up over porn videos with regard to how these videos are affecting their love life or their spouses attraction to them. Porn videos are fake, designed to offer fantasy to their viewers just as romance movies do.

 

If a spouse reaches the point where he/she can't separate fantasy from reality...well, his/her problem is far deeper than a porn video.

 

And just for the record, again, I am no fan of porn...but the reasons why have nothing to do with relationships.

[JackJack]

Yes, I know it can be about anything, not just porn.

 

However PORN is the main topic here on this thread, since it was the OP post about it.

 

Anyway, I'm done beating the dead horse for now....

 

To the OP, do whatever you feel you need to do. This is about how its makes YOU feel, what YOU will or will NOT accept/tolerate. Good luck to you!

[Jersey Shortie]

JackJack, bet posts ever and I really think there are alot of women and men that could learn alot from the posts you just made.

 

I've seen a few people here say that as long as it's not affecting the sex life, porn is okay. But the truth is, it's obvious that it is affecting the relationship and in relation, it probably is affecting the sex life. I know as a woman, porn doesn't make me feel like being closer or intimate with my partner. It exactly does the opposite. So if I know he was looking at porn. I am less turned on by him and wanting to be with him or wanting to please him. That is affecting our sex life.