How to get over a mutual break-up?

[ronaj]

I am looking for some objective advice so any advice anyone can give me would be much appreciated

 

I am 21, in my final year of university and have recently broken up with my boyfriend who I was with for three years. Last year I spent the year abroad but we still managed to stay together because we really did and do love each other. Anyway, for a long time now we have been having small and silly arguments because I don’t think he makes enough effort. As much as I love him I am tired of trying and he is tired of us having these ‘crisis talks.’ For a long time now it feels as though we have been going round in circle, have a few disagreements, have a discussion whether we should break up or stay together, decide to stay together, things are great for a few weeks then back to having a disagreement. Every time we decide to make ‘one last go’ and discuss what improvements to make. Anyway, to cut a long story short this weekend we were again having the same talk and he said I think we should break up and I agreed. This was over the phone. This was yesterday. Deep down I know realistically things are never going to change. As much as I love him and he loves me I know we cannot keep trying to change each other. In addition, after three years I cannot say that he is right for me long term. I think we have both known for a long time that this relationship has no future. As much as I want to be with him now I know it cannot work long term. I am tired of trying; I am tired of trying to make it work.

 

I keep thinking this is a mistake. Right now I feel so sad. The thought of not being with him intimately kills me and the thought of him or me ever being with someone else just makes me feel sick. I want to be with him but I know the right decision is to break up. If it’s not now it will be at some point in the future. We have spoken last night and today and we both feel the same. We are both sad and scared and just want to be together. As we both get on so well we really want to stay friends and are trying to do the whole friend thing. I think we want to be together because that would be the easier option. We have decided to stay friends and keep in contact and are planning on meeting up in a few weeks.. He is my first love and this is my first break up and I just really don’t know what to do and cannot imagine ever getting over it. I have no appetite and I am struggling to concentrate on work.

 

I just don’t know how to get over him because I don’t want to. For so long now I have been wanting more from him and I guess knowing he loved me just wasn’t enough.

[famke]

I'm sorry you feel so bad. *hugs*

 

still, while reading your story I feel like you know yourself that is better. You know you two just aren't meant to be forever, right?

So the best thing to do is to grief over your loss, your break-up.

cry If you want to, play sad music, Think about all your memories together, good and bad. Just let your feelings good.

 

Just remember: No Contact is the rule to recovery.

 

You don't want to let him go. I know how it feels, we've all been there! but you have to understand that at some point you just have to let him go.

But if you can't let him go at this point it doesn't matter. It takes time. But just don't make it any harder for yourself and for him by staying in contact with him. First you have to heal, then when you're completely over him (the rule to know if your over him is to see him with another girl and not be jealous.. problably because you're in love with someone else too)

anyway.. when you're completely over him, MAYBE then you could be friends again.

 

It will be a long way to recover. But you are SO YOUNG!

It was your first love! You have so much ahead of you!

you will make it

 

And I haven't even mentioned how great it is to be a 21-years old single girl?

 

some tips/websites that might help:

 

a list of breakup-songs (music helped me so much!!)

 

http://advice.eharmony.com.au/?page=view_thread&TID=9784&start=11

 

a online book you can read on how great it is to be single

 

http://books.google.nl/books?id=QZPNqpi2B6gC&pg=PP1&dq=single&lr=#PPR9,M1

 

a list of breakupbooks

 

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/books/booksbreak.htm

 

a great book: It's called a breakup, not a breakdown

http://books.google.nl/books?id=HNcrttc97zgC&pg=PR18&dq=breakup+book#PPA19,M1

 

another one:

 

http://books.google.nl/books?id=9Cphap8G0-8C&pg=PA24&dq=wake+up+break+up&lr=#PPA16,M1

 

 

o yeah.. some tips:

 

- watch alot of comedys.... my favourite: sex and the city, friends, according to jim..

- dont watch romantic cry-movies like titanic, the notebook, or another classic.

- spend time with your friends. go out and meet new people!

- dont go around sleeping with guys you dont know... hihi.

 

 

good luck girl

[ronaj]

I know what you are saying about the NC. Initially that’s what I thought would happen but then last night we ended up on the phone. He said he had doubts and that he had been checking his phone ever 10 seconds to see if I had text him and had wanted to text me all day. He is hurting as much as me. For some reason though, once I spoke to him I felt so much better about everything. I had perspective and I knew it was the right decision for both of us. I think that we want to be together but one of the reasons for that is because that is the easier option. We still deeply care, we still have a huge attraction and chemistry and we still get on great. Neither of us have ever done anything to hurt the other BUT we are just not compatible long term.

 

It’s hard, today I started having doubts again, I called him he said he knows how I feel we both talked about how it is the right decision. He keeps saying he is so glad we can talk together about everything. But I keep asking myself how and when we are ever going to get over each other when we are still always on each others minds. We are both always going to be checking our phones for a message etc.

 

It’s still fresh, the fact is still sinking in. I don’t think I can face no contact just yet because although I know we can’t be together I still want to talk to him. I feel like we can get through this together but I am probably being naïve. I really don’t have the guts to make the move for no contact. I think if we decide to meet up in a few weeks, after that we will have to cut down contact. If not, we will never fully get over each other.

 

The other problem is we can’t trust ourselves to see each other. I think if we do we will convince ourselves we can make it work this time but I know, he knows things will never change. I just don’t want to have to deal with this right now and I just wish things could be different. I keep thinking if we hadn’t had a silly argument on Friday we would still be together now and then I remind myself, if it wasn’t now it would be a few weeks down the line.

[kizik]

Hi ronaj,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. As famke says, though, you are young and you will recover. I think you are being very smart by recognizing that the diffs between you and your ex are irreconcilable. What you're going through is something we all go through. Usually more than once. Please be strong and maintain no contact, and spend more time with your friends and family. You need them a lot right now.

[ronaj]

Thank you!

 

We have spoke again last night and he said he is having regrets because he misses me already. For some reason yesterday and today I feel good and positive about things. Trying to cut down contact with each other and going to meet up in a couple of weeks when we have had time to think to see what to do. I know deep down that this is the right decision and so does he. I think that makes it easier.