In love?? with another guy--Please help!!

[mjk]

Hey bones34,

 

I think you should really just try to focus on what it is you want. I can tell you have a lot of frustration in your marriage.

 

Isn't that what marriages are all about?!!! lol!

 

But it is a dangerous thing for you right now. I'll tell you from experience that it is way easier to get into these things than out of them.

 

iIwish you luck in whatever your choice is but...try to really think it out!

[mixedup1]

HI all,

 

I would just like to put my two cents worth in here. first the post that made me mad was the one from biggirlboo....sounds like you have some serious issues in your marriage biggirlboo, your answer to solving it is to destroy your husband?? I don't get it. Why do you want to destroy someone you married and took out some pretty serious promises to each other.

Is he destroying you by playing his "stupid"(your interpretation) video games??? Or is there something your not doing to meet his need (whatever that may be) so he gets it from the video game?? I don't know just a thougth, but there sure is a lot of bashing going on. If people would just communicate better and get to the root of the real problem usually stemming from each individual, I think marriages would go so much smoother and happier.

 

As for the main post, it's kinda sad how time numbs the excitement we used to feel for our spouse. I mean, it sounds to me like building a house for "us" is rather a wonderful gesture on your hubbies part to say, I care about you, I want you to be happy, building this house I thought would make you happy.

 

You don't sound too appreciative of what he is doing for the two of you at all. You are more interested in someone who lights that fuse going to the fireworks like your husband used to be able to do for you. I would maybe compliment him on what a fine job he is doing, how much you appreciate him and show some appreciation. He is most likely a little chapped in the shorts about you just whining about what you don't get.

If you were to cheat on him, what would you have??

A messy divorce? Would you go for half of everything because thats what is available when you were the one who just wanted to get your fuse lit like he used to do?? I don't know if your thinking long term, rational looking into the future decisions. I know what it feels like to be cheated on. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Women or men who cheat and expect to get something out of the marriage are very self centered inconsiderate parasites I think, especially if it is done in spite.

Being honest, communicating, working at the marriage seems like the harder thing to do, so maybe lazy or even loser might work as a descriptive word to. I am not throwing stones at anyone, just making a point. Dont Cheat, get divorced and then screw your stud muffin or whatever name fits.

 

disclaimer.....opinions expressed are strictly the authors beliefs and life experience opinions generated at random by a carbon based brain. In no way do these reflect the opinions of a lower form of life. No idea, just had to type it.

[Kat]

You either need to stay with your husband and grow a backbone and leave this other guy alone or leave him and sort yourself out before you go dragging men along after you because you 'always get your way'. Either way your husband deserves to know everything. I amnot fussed whether you could 'handle telling him' you have been selfish enough lately and your husband deserves an honest wife.

 

Ever considered that you don't talk to your husband like that because YOU choose not too? Not that it is your husbands doing?

[TMCM]

Unless you communicate with your H that you are on the verge of having a full blown affair, he will continue not taking your dissatisfaction seriously. He must become aware of what's about to happen if he's ever going to start doing his part in averting a disaster that could very well end the marriage. In most cases, nothing shakes up a complacent spouse more than his/her spouse coming right out and say that unless things change for the better, that he/she is going to have an affair. Now unless you want to end your marriage, I suggest that you end all contact with the OM and if you can't then avoid being alone with him and let him know that you don't want him to contact you again.

 

I highly recommend that you and your H read Dr Willard Harley's book 'His Needs, Her Needs' for it will help the two of you identify what your most important emotional needs are [ As you are well aware, they are not the same] by filling out the emotional needs questionaires in the back of the book.

 

Don't make the mistake that many women that have an affair make and beleive that the OM will be better than your H. The vast majority of OM's are after only one thing with a married woman, and that is SEX, not love and certainly not marriage. The sooner you'll realize this, the sooner you can decide whether the SEX with the OM is worth the destruction of your marriage. Choose wisely.

[AllyKat]

Originally posted by bones34

I wish I could keep away! If it were that easy I wouldn't need advice. My husband does not understand me like the other guy does-I can talk to him about things I can't talk to my husband about. Although your probably right about it just being a "Crush" but what if it is more than that? I just don't want to miss out on a possible "Love" opportunity!

 

Reading that last line I think you were so wrong for getting married! I mean come on, YOURE MARRIED, why are you even looking for love opportunities?

 

How many times can I type the grass is always greener on the other side?!

 

Of course the other guy understands you better, he doesnt have to live with you...you arent with him all the time, going to bed at night with him, waking up with him.

 

Youre husband is doing so much for you, what has this guy done? Kissed you.

 

Do your husband a favor, get a divorce since you want to run around.

[busterb]

Originally posted by AllyKat

Reading that last line I think you were so wrong for getting married! I mean come on, YOURE MARRIED, why are you even looking for love opportunities?

 

How many times can I type the grass is always greener on the other side?!

 

Of course the other guy understands you better, he doesnt have to live with you...you arent with him all the time, going to bed at night with him, waking up with him.

 

Youre husband is doing so much for you, what has this guy done? Kissed you.

 

Do your husband a favor, get a divorce since you want to run around.

 

AllyKat is dead on the money, and took the steam out of my response.

 

All of the posters here asking if you still love your husband, and if you really love this other guy are missing the point. You're married. Marriage, for the most part, is hard work. It is not breathless romance. It is not a Julia Roberts movie. Marriage, for the most part, is two people discovering that they do not, in fact, understand each other at all, and then working like hell to at least try to live together, then work together on the same things, and then, maybe one day, really understand each other (as opposed to just imagining they do, which is how they started out).

 

You appear not to be ready for marriage. However, you are already married. Herein lies the problem.

 

Married people (ideally) sit down together and decide what their goals are. They then work together to achieve them. You say you're accustomed to getting what you want. Let me guess: you wanted the house. You still want the house. However, you want the house and you want your husband home with you, all refreshed to give you lots of love and attention and meet your emotional needs. In other words, when the two of you sat down and talked about building the house (if you even talked, and didn't just demand it outright), you didn't think about the fact that this would take up a lot of his time, and you wouldn't see him much. Are you even now thinking of what you can do to help him build the house? Maybe learn something about construction? Learn to buy the required materials, at least? Learn to find your way around a Home Depot? Specialize in something like wiring, read up on the Electrical Code? Or help keep watch on the contractors, if you're paying someone to do it? Or maybe take every other concern off his mind so that he can concentrate on the house that he's building for you?

 

You made a comment that he complains that nothing will ever make you happy. Well, maybe he's right. Maybe he's working his ass off at what you said you wanted, and now you want something else. Certainly it appears that nothing can make you happy on the relationship side.

 

Do you know what women say about men who act the way you do? "Afraid of commitment." "Immature." Well, they're right. That's exactly the way you come across. Commitment means making a choice and sticking to it, even when it's not fun any more. If you wanted a house then the absolute minimum requirement is that you amuse yourself while it's being built. That alone is pretty shoddy, since you could be helping, but you seem incapable even of amusing yourself.

 

You strike me as being nostalgic for your single days, when nothing was more fun than going with your girlfriends to a Brad Pitt (substitute favourite boy-toy actor here) movie and giggling about that cute new guy in class. When everything was romance, love, and being swept off your feet. Now you find yourself in the adult world of responsibilities and day-to-day work. Relationships are harder and take effort: blood, sweat, and tears to make them work out. It's all so difficult and boooring.

 

So along comes this hot guy who has a thing for you and you think, "Why should I stick with this boring marriage when I can recapture the best days of my life and fall in 'love' again?" (I put "love" in quotation marks because it's realy just romantic fantasy. Lasting love is what you have a shot at with your husband.)

 

Well, I agree. Why should you? You should, instead, divorce your husband. Not because it will make you blissfully happy but because he deserves better. Do not, however, take a dime from him. Take with you whatever you had going in (minus your share of the house). He will be heartbroken for a while, but at least he'll have the chance to pick up the pieces and find someone more mature, because this OM isn't your one indescretion: he's just your first. Your man may not be Wonder Husband, but I think that he deserves better.