What the hell was I thinking?

[amaysngrace]

Hey. So for a while I've been off these boards. Some members triggered some feelings in me that stirred things up in me.

 

Past childhood sexual abuse and all that that entails.

 

It's been lingering and so I'm finally dealing with it. Yeah so I said I was doing it before and I started to. I started counseling for it and all but I went a few times but didn't see it through. I didn't get any better.

 

I joined another online group for just that and it's helpful. They've all had it happen to them and they all understand what it's like. It sucks.

 

I bought a book called "The Courage To Heal" and it's helping me too. I've been crying a lot. I've been mourning a lot. I missed a lot of a normal life. My life would have been a whole lot different had this never happened. I realize that. But it did happen and I accept that. Still it does make me sad because it changed me.

 

It changed me from who I was into who I am. It changed me from how I use to think into how I think now. It changed me from how I use to feel into how I feel now. It changed me from what I thought about myself into what I think about myself today.

 

It happened when I was seven and a lot of my thoughts are still at that level.

 

I'm still trying to catch up.

 

Anyway I start back up with counseling the beginning of next month. I think this time I'm going to see it through.

 

I hope you are all well. I just thought I'd say hi.

 

XO

[quankanne]

aw shxt, amaysn ... lo siento.

 

and all the hugs you can handle, kiddo ...

[alphamale]

Anyway I start back up with counseling the beginning of next month. I think this time I'm going to see it through.

indeed...

[JamesM]

I wish you the best. And in the long run, it will be for the best.

 

As you know, I watched my wife (and first as GF) deal with this very issue. I can say that with hard work and counseling, you CAN get through this.

 

My wife read that very book...and I did read parts, too, to better understand her.

 

Reading your post brings back the many issues she also dealt with...from the anger and frustration as to "why me" to the anger and sadness at losing her childhood.

 

Now she is actually quite normal. This issue rarely rears its ugly head any more.

[D-Lish]

Everything that happens to us as children shapes us- but it doesn't have to define us. To believe so is to accept you have no control.

 

I think the first thing you have to do is to let go of the notion that because this has happened to you that you are destined to be, and feel, a certain way for the rest of your life.

 

I had it happen to me also- a friend of the family. Sometimes I blame my parents for letting this person into my life, other times I blame myself. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to be angry or remain stagnant.

 

As a result of that abuse, my first career was as a Child and Youth worker counsellor. I worked in a group home and counselled teenage girls that had been abused. Probably wasn't a good career choice as it only exacerbated my own misery. I only lasted 5 years before I had to get out as the violence and hatred that surrounded such a position took a great tool on my own mental health.

 

One thing I took away from that job was/is that there is always "choice".

One can choose to let the past rule them, allow certain negative beliefs to play habitually within you.... Or, one can make a choice to stand against the past- accept that it is part of your life.... but that the future is something you have control over.

 

I wouldn't give up on that therapy. Keep it open as an option. I admitted the full extent of the abuse to my parents when I was 25. When it initially was happening- I only had the courage to tell my dad that this person had "made a pass at me". My father DID ban this person from our lives. But I carry a lot of guilt because I believe that this man was also molesting my brother (and his own children)... and I never stood up.

 

Therapy has taught me that taking the burden of guilt on behalf of the abuser is ridiculous! I was not responsible for the actions of a wayward adult. You're not responsible either- not for what happened.

 

It changes your outlook on life. One minute you are looking at life as an innocent child, protected- blissful, completely oblivious to evil. Then- something happens that turns that world upside down. And it does turn your world upside down. How can a child's mind comprehend evil when they've never been exposed to it.

 

The abuse is going to stay with you, it's always going to be a part of your life, of your past. Just never, ever forget that you have a choice. You can wallow in the past- or you can deal with it, then put it where it belongs and start making choices that produce positive and healthy changes.

 

You have a choice. Keep telling yourself that (over and over until it sinks in).

 

Stay in your therapy- but use it as a tool to put this behind you so you can move forward.

 

All the best to you, you can get through this.

[amaysngrace]

aw shxt, amaysn ... lo siento.

 

and all the hugs you can handle, kiddo ...

 

Thank you Darling. I'm getting stronger everyday.

 

I'll be ready for rodeo and two steppin' by summer probably so have a room ready for me okay?

 

XO

[amaysngrace]

I wish you the best. And in the long run, it will be for the best.

 

As you know, I watched my wife (and first as GF) deal with this very issue. I can say that with hard work and counseling, you CAN get through this.

 

My wife read that very book...and I did read parts, too, to better understand her.

 

Reading your post brings back the many issues she also dealt with...from the anger and frustration as to "why me" to the anger and sadness at losing her childhood.

 

Now she is actually quite normal. This issue rarely rears its ugly head any more.

 

I hope to get where she is too James. I know her struggles. You have shared them with me and she and I have traveled the same road.

 

I don't know her full story but I'm guessing she was violated badly and she never told anyone about it. She handled it all on her own for most of her life?

 

It presents a lot of problems but it does give you gifts as well. Right now I am just in the process of filtering it all out. Sifting through and seeing what's worthy of keeping and what needs to be tossed.

 

Mostly I like that I have a lot of mental space that I am freeing up now. You wouldn't believe how much crap I have been keeping up there unnecessarily. Things that were tied to that and associated to that but I did not know that had someone not made that connection for me. But since they had it really does make sense.

 

And once it makes sense I can let it go and put it into the past where it properly belongs. It's such a good feeling.

 

It feels so good to finally move forward.

 

XO for you and one for you wife XO

[amaysngrace]

indeed...

 

Everything that happens to us as children shapes us- but it doesn't have to define us. To believe so is to accept you have no control.

 

All the best to you, you can get through this.

 

Thank you and thank you.

 

XO

XO

[amaysngrace]

I have a long road ahead of me. That's all I have to say. If I knew it was going to be this hard I don't think I would have started it. I really don't.

 

I blanked. I created a space in my head. So now I still go there sometimes. It's a disorder. A dissociative disorder. A freaking mental disorder. I have a mental disorder. Thanks Guy. Thanks a freaking lot Guy.

 

See why I'm sad? See why I'm angry? See why I cry sometimes?

 

This is why I am different and feel different and have all my life.

 

I hate that freaking Guy. I was a kid. He was a man. I was a happy kid who smiled. Now I am sad. Now I cry. For most of my life I cried. On the inside. I smiled on the outside but on the inside I cried. Alone.

 

I'm so mad and sad and hurt and pissed off. And if he weren't dead already I'd bash his head in with a crow bar.

 

A million freakin times.

 

 

But the good news is I am going to get better. I am already better than I was yesterday and I was better yesterday than I was last week.

[climbergirl]

I'm so glad you're doing better! Big hugs to you.

 

I know where you are coming from.

[Eve]

*Hugs*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[amaysngrace]

Thank you both. XO

 

Climbergirl I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry for anybody who goes through this. It's so wrong. It's just so wrong. It just doesn't make any sense. At least to me. Not yet anyway. Hopefully someday I will find meaning to it but I am still in the very early process of healing.

 

I am like a waterfall of emotion. All my buried feelings I am finally feeling now. It's as if I've been numb for the past thirty years. I never really felt sadness or happiness or pain or anything really.

 

I was numb to my emotions. They were a thing I learned to ignore. I never realized how much this hurt me. This really really hurt me. In a really big way. I never even took the time to think about that. I ignored that it even happened.

 

I blocked it completely from my memory for almost three decades with only tiny suspicions here and there that "maybe I was molested?" trickling in from time to time.

 

No feelings involved about it at all other than that.

 

But the feelings were there. Buried. In a fight with my boyfriend or my husband maybe and I'd get angry but instead of being properly angry I'd get REALLY angry well then yes, I guess those feelings were there.

 

Or going out somewhere and knowing I looked extra nice but as soon as one guy noticed me I'd get that feeling. That "he thinks I'm hot" feeling but while it makes me feel good it creeps me out all the same because I believe that is all I am worth. So yes I guess those feelings were there.

 

Or being around people and believing that I can tell what they think about me. Knowing they don't think much of me. Knowing they look down on me. Thinking they are judging me. Feeling inferior to them and believing that no matter what I do or no matter what I bring to give to them there is no way I will ever measure up to them or be the same as them. Yes they are those very same feelings.

 

But those feelings you feel around others are nothing compared to the feelings you feel when you are alone. When others are around you take it easy on yourself. You are distracted.

 

But when there is nothing to distract you then you can really focus in on how much you suck as a person.

 

The thing that gets me is that it is all just a big fat lie. It's not even true. That's why if that son of a bitch were still alive I'd take a crow bar and bash his head in a billion freakin times. Again and again and again.

 

And then I'd spit on him. And maybe even fart.

[Meaplus3]

Hi Amay. I'm so very sorry to hear of what you have been through. NO child should have to suffer that way at the hands of an adult. It sounds like you are taking the right steps to get past the hurt once and for all. That's so brave. I wish you the best in your recovery. Hugs sweetie.

 

Mea:)

[amaysngrace]

Thanks Mea. That means a lot. XO

 

I haven't told any person about what I'm going through just yet. Well I told my BF but we broke up the other day because he was being a dick more than being supportive I think and I couldn't figure it out and didn't have the mental capacity to try to figure it out so I just really needed a break from him to focus on just me and not the relationship.

 

But other than that I haven't told anybody in my life.

 

I wanted to. I thought maybe my sisters or maybe my parents or maybe my best friend Jenny but they are all busy and I don't want them to have to deal with my crap yet again.

 

I am just in the process of trying to understand myself. I don't think anybody could really understand me until I understand myself first.

 

I still don't remember. I'm thinking rape but not sure. I blanked. They say it will come back to me. It's part of the process of healing.

 

God only knows what I was thinking. God only knows what goes through a child's head.

 

Well I know. I've told myself it over and over and over again. Day after day. Year after year.

 

It takes it's toll. That's for sure.

 

The one thing that is probably going to be the hardest for me is having to be that scared out of my mind again truthfully.

 

I'm really not sure if I am ready for that or if I am even close to ready for that.

 

I am going to need a whole lot of preparation for that.

 

Anyway thanks for listening. XO

[JamesM]

 

I still don't remember. I'm thinking rape but not sure. I blanked. They say it will come back to me. It's part of the process of healing.

 

 

Out of curiosity, what DO you remember? And if you dont' want to say, I understand.

 

For healing, is it "necessary" (as probably per a counselor) to remember it all? Or is it something that comes in bits and pieces and healing comes in bits and pieces?

 

What do you think it will take for you to feel healed?

[amaysngrace]

Thanks Mea. That means a lot. XO

 

I haven't told any person about what I'm going through just yet. Well I told my BF but we broke up the other day because he was being a dick more than being supportive I think and I couldn't figure it out and didn't have the mental capacity to try to figure it out so I just really needed a break from him to focus on just me and not the relationship.

 

But other than that I haven't told anybody in my life.

 

I wanted to. I thought maybe my sisters or maybe my parents or maybe my best friend Jenny but they are all busy and I don't want them to have to deal with my crap yet again.

 

I am just in the process of trying to understand myself. I don't think anybody could really understand me until I understand myself first.

 

I still don't remember. I'm thinking rape but not sure. I blanked. They say it will come back to me. It's part of the process of healing.

 

God only knows what I was thinking. God only knows what goes through a child's head.

 

Well I know. I've told myself it over and over and over again. Day after day. Year after year.

 

It takes it's toll. That's for sure.

 

The one thing that is probably going to be the hardest for me is having to be that scared out of my mind again truthfully.

 

I'm really not sure if I am ready for that or if I am even close to ready for that.

 

I am going to need a whole lot of preparation for that.

 

Anyway thanks for listening. XO

[Meaplus3]

Thanks Mea. That means a lot. XO

 

Your welcome Sweetie.

 

I haven't told any person about what I'm going through just yet. Well I told my BF but we broke up the other day because he was being a dick more than being supportive I think and I couldn't figure it out and didn't have the mental capacity to try to figure it out so I just really needed a break from him to focus on just me and not the relationship

.

 

I'm sorry to hear you broke up. But, perhaps a break right now is a good thing so you can sort through this.

 

 

 

I am just in the process of trying to understand myself. I don't think anybody could really understand me until I understand myself first.

 

Your correct in saying that. I think that's super great news to hear your going to take the time to figure out YOU first and foremost. Just take this all one day at a time.. and in baby steps. You will get there. It may just take some time.

 

Mea:)

[amaysngrace]

Out of curiosity, what DO you remember? And if you dont' want to say, I understand.

 

For healing, is it "necessary" (as probably per a counselor) to remember it all? Or is it something that comes in bits and pieces and healing comes in bits and pieces?

 

What do you think it will take for you to feel healed?

 

All I remember is going into his house and his houselady let me in. He was in his living room sitting in a chair and he was wearing a robe like he just had a shower. I went and sat on his lap and turned and looked around the chair to see his houselady close the French doors to the room we were in because the chair was facing the center of the room. She was out of the room. It was just me and him in the room.

 

There was a table next to the chair with a dish of candy on it.

 

I remember running out of the room crying and running for the doors but don't remember much after that except picking his flowers and my mom making me bring them back. I'm not sure how long after that was.

 

Then I remember it being overheard at dinner that he killed himself.

 

That's all. That's all I remember about it.

 

But I was raped when I was nineteen too. By a few guys who I thought were my friends. I thought I was drugged but now I'm not sure. Maybe I dissociated then too? Who knows? I don't remember much of that either. I mean we were smoking pot and drinking but I thought maybe they slipped something in my drink or something because I remember hardly anything.

 

And then there was this other time with this other guy when I was 22 and same thing.

 

I don't know. This whole thing sucks. That's it. That's all I feel about either of those two rapes on me. Kind of like...nothing.

 

Which is why I think I probably dissociated. That's really not a normal reaction.

 

I think I have to remember. I think the reason for remembering is to feel the pain and to feel the fear and to experience it fully so that I can heal fully. Otherwise it will be expressed in different ways. Like keeping me from doing something or holding me back, because I'm afraid to try, or being hurt or overly sensitive to something rather than being bold or something.

 

I don't know James. I'm not a psychologist. I'm really just guessing here.

 

The counselor I'm seeing I know and love. She is the one who got me built up strong enough to leave my abusive ex-husband and so I'm pretty sure she can help me. She's from CARA and it stands for Coalition Against Rape and Abuse.

 

I think I'll be in good hands. And that is the most important thing from what I've been reading. Feeling safe. My memory started drifting back to me when I was in my own home away from my abusive ex-husband.

 

That's probably why your wife sought help when she did James. She felt safe around you. She felt the security she craved from you and knew you had the strength that she needed in you. And you, in turn, believed in her too.

 

You're a good man James. XO

[amaysngrace]

Tomorrow I finally see my counselor and I can't wait. My head is ready to explode. She has been on a medical.

 

I haven't read anything because I read too much already and seeing that mental thing about myself freaked me out and knowing I have dissociative disorder and possibly dissociative identity disorder freaks me out even more. I think I just maybe have extreme moods one of them being one of a really small child is all. I am like a child. I just act like a child.

 

This has been so much on my head.

 

I am back with my boyfriend. He is very persistent not to lose me. I have put him through hell and back again and again and he is persistent not to lose me. He has thoroughly gained my trust that way. I think he is amazing too. I always have. No he is not perfect but evidently neither am I. We both have a lot of work to do but I feel safe with him and I know that he loves me for me and accepts me for me the way that I love and accept him.

 

We have a common ground. We were both sexually abused as children. We both know what it's like. We both feel the same things about sex and ourselves and the world around us. He deals with it his way and I deal with it my own way but we both know what it's like.

 

We are both lucky that we grew up in loving homes. We know the odds. We know that given different circumstances things could have been a lot worse. I could have been with pedophiles myself and repeated the pattern on my own children. He could have gotten into porn or maybe I would have or prostitution. One or either or us could be dead by now. My children could be dead by now.

 

All in all we are doing okay.

 

Things with my family are strained though. I don't have a support system in them and I wish that I did. I tried to approach them with this when I first realized it happened to me and I basically got a "what took you so long to say anything?" reaction. That crushed me.

 

I realize they have caught me when I have fallen and yes I have fallen numerous times but it is because I was not fully functioning all along.

 

I've lost them along the way and that hurts. They are there partly but not wholly and that hurts. I am grateful that they are there but there is a part of me that is sad that they didn't see that this happened to me when I was a little girl and had gotten me the help that I so desperately needed and when they blow it off now it brings those bad feelings back again.

 

And it makes the hurt feel the same.

 

I am not sure if my dad even knows if this happened to me. I didn't tell him and I don't know if my mom did or didn't. I am thinking probably not. For some reason I don't believe he knows.

 

It would only make her look inept like she was so why would she do that? That was her only job to look after us kids and she didn't do that so why would she admit that to the man who did his job and did it exceptionally well and had her dripping in diamonds and furs and purchasing her an ocean front home? Why would she say she failed at her job now?

 

She wouldn't.

 

That is who I am mostly angry with I guess. My mom.

 

Just the other day she brings up my ex-husband and I say "It's a good thing I left him. I set a good example for my kids" and she says "I don't know how you ever got mixed up with him in the first place".

 

 

 

 

I so need counseling.

[amaysngrace]

Wow so last night I was thinking that maybe I have kids because otherwise I maybe would have killed myself by now. Today driving to see my counselor I thought about driving off of the parkway into a sign at 80 mph.

 

Of course I would never do that to my children but that is where my head has been at.

 

Counseling went well. I went in and sat down and buried my face in my hands and just cried. I told her I opened the wound five weeks ago and read the book and I told her I dissociate and about the molestation and the rapes and my mom and everything else and that maybe I need to see a psychiatrist because if I didn't have kids I would probably have killed myself by now.

 

She said they have that same book and they would never give it out to anyone without counseling. She said five weeks is a long time to be dealing with this by myself and it's no wonder why my head feels like it is ready to explode. She said everyone dissociates. The human mind can only take so much pain and then it shuts down. It's a human reaction. It's what the mind does.

 

And that's why it hurt so bad. I wasn't shut down anymore. For five weeks I turned it back on finally. But I probably should have had counseling at least four weeks ago.

 

We spoke for the hour. She gave me the name of a psychiatrist in the very beginning but by the end she said I should see him if I want to be on medicine to deal with this. I don't want to be on medicine to deal with this. I have been numbed up long enough. I want to feel my feelings and work through this with a clear head.

 

I am going to see her regularly once a week.

 

She said that once I get strong enough I will start to get flashbacks. They will come to me when I am ready to handle them.

 

She said for me not to go to my family with this. It is beyond their comprehension. I understand that. It will just make me feel misunderstood and what good will that do me?

 

Right now I just want to do what does me good. XO

[Star Gazer]

Aww, Amay... I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you're seeing someone to work through it. ((HUGS))

[Citizen Erased]

Just know that you have people here thinking of you and wishing you the best. You are one of the most kindhearted people I think I will ever have the pleasure of knowing and you deserve happiness. I am glad you are seeing someone, I really hope it helps.

 

That boyfriend of yours clearly knows a good egg when he sees it.

 

(((hugs)))

[Meaplus3]

I'm sorry your dealing with is amay.. but by talking with a therapist, you are headed in the right direction to free yourself from the pain. Just take this in little steps sweetie. I know it's tough.. but you will get through this. Your a very strong person and a great mom. And those kids of yours, let them keep you going..I know mine do that for me. Children are a blessing. Hugs.

 

Mea:)

[amaysngrace]

Thank you so much you guys. You have no idea how much that means to me. You are like my cyber sisters.

 

It's really very complicated. This whole thing has so many parts to it and I'm a pretty simple girl. At least I thought I was. Okay....maybe I am complex.

 

Anyway I hope everyone has a very nice Easter!

 

Oh and Mea I am ready to kill my kids. Since I am doing all of this and am being out to lunch my kids are taking full advantage. Yesterday they were off from school and my son had a friend over. They went out on the roof, the kid could have fallen off, I sent the boy home, my son left with him without telling me and was gone for an hour but I knew where he was, my daughter knocked the curtain out of the wall climbing back in the window and lied about it, my son bought Xbox points on my credit card without my permission, got his report card Thursday and starts off by saying "mom I didn't fail anything"

 

So what's that you were saying about kids?

 

XO

[Meaplus3]

Thank you so much you guys. You have no idea how much that means to me. You are like my cyber sisters.

 

It's really very complicated. This whole thing has so many parts to it and I'm a pretty simple girl. At least I thought I was. Okay....maybe I am complex.

 

Anyway I hope everyone has a very nice Easter!

 

Oh and Mea I am ready to kill my kids. Since I am doing all of this and am being out to lunch my kids are taking full advantage. Yesterday they were off from school and my son had a friend over. They went out on the roof, the kid could have fallen off, I sent the boy home, my son left with him without telling me and was gone for an hour but I knew where he was, my daughter knocked the curtain out of the wall climbing back in the window and lied about it, my son bought Xbox points on my credit card without my permission, got his report card Thursday and starts off by saying "mom I didn't fail anything"

 

So what's that you were saying about kids?

 

XO

 

 

I understand it's complicated.. but so much of life is right? You will get through this.

 

Now as for your kids, It sounds like they were testing their limits. I've been there myself so I know how it feels. But, Even when they act up I take a look into their bright shining little eyes and it makes my heart melt. Even if I want to slug them every now and again. (which I would never do) Anway.. have a Happy Easter my friend.

 

Mea:)