What the hell was I thinking?

[amaysngrace]

Hi Mea. Thank you so much for your kindness. You really have no idea just how much it means to me. My thoughts have been spinning and spinning. There are things I read and want to answer to others but I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left.

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I went to my parents house and my kids were with their dad. I barely slept all weekend and my family kept telling me I looked tired and it's because my sleep is terrible. All I do is think. Memories keep coming into my head whether I want them to or not. They are flashbacks and I don't ask for them but they are there and whether I want them or think about them they are there.

 

And even when I sleep I don't really know what I'm dreaming about but when I wake up I don't feel like I even slept at all. And during the day sometimes I zone out by getting lost in a thought and then sometimes I cry about it.

 

And then other times I feel okay about things knowing that was then and this is now and I feel strong and hopeful that I am on the right path for brighter days but then the memories come rushing back and I really can't explain it but other than it has been hell on me.

 

But on a bright note my kids are what are getting me through this. Like I said I don't know how people without out them get through their darkest hours, I honestly don't. Last night my son offered me money to pay me back. He scored some money from an Easter egg hunt.

 

I told him it's okay and I told him I respect him for telling me without me finding out when the bill came in. He said he felt bad about not saying anything. And we talked and I said next time he needs to get permission first. So we're good.

 

And my daughter with the lying...she and I spoke too. She wants to have a good relationship and she agrees we need to be honest for that so we are good too.

 

But again I really want to thank you for your kind words because it means a whole lot to me. Probably more than you could even ever know.

 

XO

[Meaplus3]

Amay, No need to thank me I understand how hard this must be for you. But, I see the strength that you have so I know you can get past this. And the kids, they are a great distraction for you. Keep allowing them to distract and focus on rasinng them like you are,that will help so much.

 

As you know, past hurts take time to move away from us. We all heal at our own rate.. so just take the time that YOU need.. and in time you will see yourself just as strong as I see you! Now, as for the sleep? If you can try taking a hot bath before bed, have a warm cup a tea, read or even meditiate. Sleep is very important and if your not getting enough of it can make this whole thing much worse for you. My best to you. Your a real sweetheart.

 

Mea:)

[amaysngrace]

Mea what is that they say "it takes one to know one?"

 

Today was a better day. My sister called. Her and my niece were worried about me because I don't seem myself. I told her I am going through personal things and I am okay. She said she is just a phone call away. That makes me feel better.

 

And I had a really good dream. It was a voice speaking about becoming whole when you seek understanding and when I woke up from my nap the flashbacks were gone and I haven't had one since and I haven't cried since so this is good. Really good. It's the first time since Tuesday I haven't had flashbacks.

 

I might even be able to get some sleep tonight. Real sleep.

 

So between your kindness and my sister's phone call and my comforting dream I feel better. Like night and day better. So I'm saying it again.

 

Thank you.

 

XO

[Meaplus3]

Mea what is that they say "it takes one to know one?"

 

Your very sweet.

 

 

Today was a better day. My sister called. Her and my niece were worried about me because I don't seem myself. I told her I am going through personal things and I am okay. She said she is just a phone call away. That makes me feel better.

 

 

That's super. The fact that she offered to listen is such a nice thing and it should make you feel like you have some support.

 

 

 

So between your kindness and my sister's phone call and my comforting dream I feel better. Like night and day better. So I'm saying it again.

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

I'm glad your feeling better and sleeping well. Sounds to me like your staying positive and that will help you so very much with all this. I always remember these words. "This to shall pass". Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[amaysngrace]

Since I woke up from my nap on Monday I have had no flashbacks. No visual flashbacks. I've felt a lot of shame this week though. I've been embarrassed by past things I've done while growing up and I guess this is another part of healing. Things I'm not proud of but I'm okay with it.

 

I guess I had to see the other things first in order to deal with the shame. Otherwise if the shame came first I wouldn't have been able to handle the shame. I'd have totally hated myself. But because it came in the order that it did I'm okay with the shame. The shame I can handle. I was only embarrassing myself.

 

I've forgiven that man. The man who raped me when I was seven. This was big. This was a big step for helping me be where I am today.

 

I know enough to know that somebody probably hurt him too. Somehow somewhere somebody probably hurt him too. I forgive him for hurting me.

 

He killed himself. When I showed up on his front doorstep with my mom to return the flowers that I picked, crying hysterically, something clicked in his head. I know it. He stopped dissociating. His memories came back to him maybe. Or he realized what he had done maybe.

 

Either way he took his life so he wouldn't hurt someone else and for that I do thank him. He made me feel a little bit safer and for that I do thank him. I did not grow up in fear of him and for that I do thank him.

 

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to forgive him to be honest.

 

So it really isn't hard for me to forgive my mom. She is my mom. I'm sure if she could turn back time she would have looked out for me better. I know she would have. She is my mom. She didn't single me out. She neglected all five of us kids when my brother died. It wasn't just me. I don't know what it's like to lose a child. I hope to never know. She knows. That is what she was dealing with when I got molested. Of course I forgive my mother. She is my mother. XO

 

You would think that if I could forgive my abuser and I could forgive my mother I would have no problem forgiving myself...well...it's a process....

 

XO

[JamesM]

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you are making progress.

 

Hugs. You will get better.

 

Perhaps this will be used to help someone else who is reading this thread.

[Meaplus3]

Hi Amay, Your last post made me cry. I'm real touched with how well your dealing with all this that's so big and Brave of you. It looks like your doing better. I wish you the very best with total recovery from this past situation.

 

Mea:)

[amaysngrace]

Hey thanks you two.

 

If I could help just one person that would be great. Really it would.

 

Thinking the way I was thinking was believing I was just handed a life rather than having a choice. That things could just happen to me and I would have to adapt.

 

That I was just an "easy-going" type of person and no matter how tragic it wasn't going to "bother" me. I was a party person. Full of fun and jokes and happy-go-lucky. That was me on the outside but inside I was so sad. Nobody knew it but me though. Being sad was my little secret that I kept all to myself.

 

The only problem was it kept me from living my life. It was like a dark shadow right here beside me. My past. And you can't have a bright future when your dark shadow past is standing right beside you. Well maybe you can but I just don't see how.

 

 

 

Yesterday I had to go pick up my daughter. She spent the night at the house next door to my parents' house. They have kids. I went in first to see my parents and God my mother triggers me something awful. I don't know why she does but she does. It's her tone maybe or the words she chooses. I think she's going deaf too and she's loud. I'm ultra-sensitive these days and that woman is loud.

 

I start telling her about my BF hearing from some a&r guy from emi which is capitol records and she goes off about some simon guy and some English 49 year old woman and I'm like "did you hear what I said?" and it triggers me something bad because my BF I actually KNOW so I go out the door and go to the neighbors to see my daughter and vent to my mom's neighbor and tell her and feel really stupid because it's from so long ago that it happened to me and who would of thought she understood? She sat and she listened and she understood.

 

And she shared with me some stories of her own. XO

 

I go to my parents' house pretty regularly. I know this woman pretty well. We sit on the beach a lot together. Our kids have been playing together forever. I feel safe with her. If things get bad at my parents' house I feel safe with her.

 

I also told my best friend Jenny about what happened to me. We're meeting up tomorrow. XO

 

[amaysngrace]

It's been about ten weeks or so since I began the healing process. Things have certainly changed in my world.

 

I confronted my mom. I let her know about how much this affected me. She kept trying to change the subject on me but I needed to say some things to her. So I told her. I told her about how I didn't start out having crazy thoughts in my head. I was born a pretty great kid. But when this happened it changed me.

 

I told her about being raped as an adult. I told her how I've felt about myself for most of my life. She said that she can't believe I showed no signs of being molested. I pointed out every single sign there was that she did not recognize. I had numerous signs consistent with someone who was molested as a child.

 

I gave her a break though. I told her they know more now than they did back then and they know what to look for but I had very clear signs.

 

I told her about me going to counseling. I told her about being suicidal. She mentioned a psychiatrist and I told her for now I am managing without being on medication. She told me to talk to a priest. I told her that's probably a good idea because I bet they have tons of counseling available for victims of molestation.

 

I told her about my pediatrician. When I was around five years old that man told me how great his job would be if all his patients were like me. Apparently I was a treat to be around. A real free-spirit. He wasn't just saying that either. He genuinely liked me. He and his wife had a baby girl and he told me they named his daughter after me. Thinking back on that man's opinion of me saved me more times than I can count and saves me still. She told me he's dead.

 

I told my mom I didn't start out this way. But this is what happens when good kids get messed with. I told her I am normal for what occured.

 

I spoke from a place of power. I had answers this time around when last time I really didn't know why. Everything she questioned I countered with a fact. An answer. I told her I am strong for what I lived through and I am going to get better.

 

I shifted some of the blame onto her. Not by being rude or aggressive but just more as a matter of fact. I figure if I am not the daughter she had wished me to be she is partially to blame. As my mother she is part to blame. I didn't come out and assign blame but I'm certain she felt it shift onto her.

 

She never shed a tear for me or offered me a hug. But she changed the subject once more and I let her.

 

As for me though my head is quiet. I am calm now where before it was like a circus going on inside my head. I focus now.

 

In a way it's weird how much I've changed. It feels weird not to be the girl with issues. It feels weird to focus on a single thought rather than having things spinning inside my head.

 

I told my counselor that I struggle with my identity. I don't know who I am because the side of me that I identified with for most of my life isn't there anymore.

 

I told her I am white bread now. She said white bread is good. You can take white bread and make it into anything you'd like. Every day you can start off as white bread and add whatever you want to it.

 

In a way it's like I get a do-over. I get to figure out who I am and what I love and build from here.

 

I notice nature a lot now. I live in a beautiful part of my state and I just noticed that. Springtime has a very nice scent and I've just noticed that too. We have views of sunsets that are really pretty. I like watching the sun set.

 

I signed up for some online courses. I want to further my education. I begin classes in the summer. I'm majoring in psychology.

 

I have a ways to go yet but as I continue on the road I'm on my past gets farther away from me. It no longer haunts me. Yes it's a part of my life and is something that's happened but I no longer live there.

 

I'm fully alive in the moment. It's a strange thing really to be so present in the moment. It's new and it's unfamiliar and it will take some getting used to.

 

But I think I'm going to like it.

 

XO

[hoping2heal]

It's been about ten weeks or so since I began the healing process. Things have certainly changed in my world.

 

I confronted my mom. I let her know about how much this affected me. She kept trying to change the subject on me but I needed to say some things to her. So I told her. I told her about how I didn't start out having crazy thoughts in my head. I was born a pretty great kid. But when this happened it changed me.

 

I told her about being raped as an adult. I told her how I've felt about myself for most of my life. She said that she can't believe I showed no signs of being molested. I pointed out every single sign there was that she did not recognize. I had numerous signs consistent with someone who was molested as a child.

 

I gave her a break though. I told her they know more now than they did back then and they know what to look for but I had very clear signs.

 

I told her about me going to counseling. I told her about being suicidal. She mentioned a psychiatrist and I told her for now I am managing without being on medication. She told me to talk to a priest. I told her that's probably a good idea because I bet they have tons of counseling available for victims of molestation.

 

I told her about my pediatrician. When I was around five years old that man told me how great his job would be if all his patients were like me. Apparently I was a treat to be around. A real free-spirit. He wasn't just saying that either. He genuinely liked me. He and his wife had a baby girl and he told me they named his daughter after me. Thinking back on that man's opinion of me saved me more times than I can count and saves me still. She told me he's dead.

 

I told my mom I didn't start out this way. But this is what happens when good kids get messed with. I told her I am normal for what occured.

 

I spoke from a place of power. I had answers this time around when last time I really didn't know why. Everything she questioned I countered with a fact. An answer. I told her I am strong for what I lived through and I am going to get better.

 

I shifted some of the blame onto her. Not by being rude or aggressive but just more as a matter of fact. I figure if I am not the daughter she had wished me to be she is partially to blame. As my mother she is part to blame. I didn't come out and assign blame but I'm certain she felt it shift onto her.

 

She never shed a tear for me or offered me a hug. But she changed the subject once more and I let her.

 

As for me though my head is quiet. I am calm now where before it was like a circus going on inside my head. I focus now.

 

In a way it's weird how much I've changed. It feels weird not to be the girl with issues. It feels weird to focus on a single thought rather than having things spinning inside my head.

 

I told my counselor that I struggle with my identity. I don't know who I am because the side of me that I identified with for most of my life isn't there anymore.

 

I told her I am white bread now. She said white bread is good. You can take white bread and make it into anything you'd like. Every day you can start off as white bread and add whatever you want to it.

 

In a way it's like I get a do-over. I get to figure out who I am and what I love and build from here.

 

I notice nature a lot now. I live in a beautiful part of my state and I just noticed that. Springtime has a very nice scent and I've just noticed that too. We have views of sunsets that are really pretty. I like watching the sun set.

 

I signed up for some online courses. I want to further my education. I begin classes in the summer. I'm majoring in psychology.

 

I have a ways to go yet but as I continue on the road I'm on my past gets farther away from me. It no longer haunts me. Yes it's a part of my life and is something that's happened but I no longer live there.

 

I'm fully alive in the moment. It's a strange thing really to be so present in the moment. It's new and it's unfamiliar and it will take some getting used to.

 

But I think I'm going to like it.

 

XO

 

Wow, you sure have come a long way . I'm glad to see this, I can relate with so many things you have said since the begining of this thread. Feeling like you were "different" your whole life, like the chance to be normal was taken from you etc. I haven't forgiven the person who did this to me, not because I don't ever intend too, it's just that if I'm 100 percent honest with myself I am not at acceptance. I don't accept how my life was forever changed against my will, how I was forever changed against my will. I don't yet accept how f*cked up my thoughts and feelings and methods of living have been for the past umpteen years.

 

I have never sexually abused anyone but, I'm not proud of all the lying I have done my entire life. What I did has hurt and damaged others, I'm not proud of it. I don't believe I would of been that way if it weren't for what happened to me. I do and always have cared for others very much so. Just writing this makes me feel confused. I related a lot to what you said about struggling with identity because you don't relate to the part of yourself you've done so for your life up until now. I worry about that too. I won't accept my life has been ruined, because I don't think this is the kind of thing that is going to eternally ruin my life. I am now in therapy and I have been making GREAT strides with it. Talking openly to my mother being one of them, Telling my cousin and aunt being another. Refusing to back down after being invalidated by aunt and cousin ..I can add that to the list too. I am moving forward, I'm happy about that.

 

But I'm mad as hell. I'm glad that I found so many other women who have been through what I have, it's made me feel not so alone but it's also helped me to have understanding on things. It's great to be able to exchange thoughts with those who know what I'm going through. My bf has been extremely supportive throughout this entire process and it's meant the world and back to me. I miss him a lot right now so lol I guess that's how he got brought into the mix

[amaysngrace]

I don't yet accept how f*cked up my thoughts and feelings and methods of living have been for the past umpteen years.

 

I have never sexually abused anyone but, I'm not proud of all the lying I have done my entire life. What I did has hurt and damaged others, I'm not proud of it. I don't believe I would of been that way if it weren't for what happened to me.

 

Hi. I struggled with how I coped too. I felt real bad about the things I did to myself and to other people and for how I acted. I know what you mean.

 

But coping skills are good. No matter how we cope it's a good thing because it's better than the alternative. Some people do drugs or drink. Some have sex with strangers. Some lie to try and be different from who we are. Some eat and puke. Or exercise excessively. Some jump into unhealthy relationships.

 

I've done all of the above. But I honor all of those ways I've coped. I don't see them as bad.

 

Coping skills are what kept us here and are what kept us alive. Without them we wouldn't be survivors.

[hoping2heal]

Hi. I struggled with how I coped too. I felt real bad about the things I did to myself and to other people and for how I acted. I know what you mean.

 

But coping skills are good. No matter how we cope it's a good thing because it's better than the alternative. Some people do drugs or drink. Some have sex with strangers. Some lie to try and be different from who we are. Some eat and puke. Or exercise excessively. Some jump into unhealthy relationships.

 

I've done all of the above. But I honor all of those ways I've coped. I don't see them as bad.

 

Coping skills are what kept us here and are what kept us alive. Without them we wouldn't be survivors.

 

Well, I can't say I honor any of my coping skills to be honest. The thing is, one of the biggest problems I've had is lying and I've gone all across the board trying to figure out what the deal with it is. Am I pathological? Is it an OCD trait of my ADHD? Etc. I don't know, but part of the reason is believed to be a coping mechanism I have used. I guess I agree with that, I have lied ever since I was molested my partner pointed out he believed it was to gain acceptance; I think that's part of it, but then I had to think of all the times lies actually caused me to be shunned by others and I repeated it anyway. That brought me back in therapy to seeing how severe my trust issues are and how I use lying to shield myself. How I had online relationships to get my need for love and attention met, but how it was no coincidence I chose the internet; because it would never allow another person to actually be close enough to hurt me physically.

 

That said, I have to be responsible for my actions. No, I never intended any of them in a malicious manner, but to me; saying "well I did this but it's okay because hey, I was molested" is much like my abuser saying "Hey, I did this and it's okay because I was abused by someone else". For example, The things I've done I'm realising have very much hurt and damaged others. These things have to come to a stop and I make an effort at that every day. It's very difficult because without my dearest friend; I'm bare and I'm vulnerable but I'm making the decision to stop living a dysfunctional lifestyle. To stop hurting others and myself.

 

I went through that little phase at first.. "yeah I did effed up things but that's because I was molested." Then I realised my abuser may too have been molested and they deeply and severely damaged what has been my life so far, is it an excuse? They were molested too so it's fine what they've done to me? Now I feel very different about my actions entirely.

 

I look at the sexual abuse as a root for my problem, but it isn't an excuse for it. But I'm not judging anyone, I'm only saying the standard I am holding myself too here.

[amaysngrace]

Well while I can certainly understand your position for not accepting it as acceptable behavior, I don't see the point in beating yourself up over it. You did the best you could with broken coping skills. It isn't your fault you had broken coping skills.

 

But if you want to hold to the belief that it is your fault then nothing I or anyone else can say to change that for you.

 

But I do think it is in your best interest to give yourself a break. You wouldn't lie now. You know better. But if you didn't know any better then how is beneficial to you now to think you should have known better?

 

You didn't know better. You were broken. And it's not your fault that you were.

[hoping2heal]

Well while I can certainly understand your position for not accepting it as acceptable behavior, I don't see the point in beating yourself up over it. You did the best you could with broken coping skills. It isn't your fault you had broken coping skills.

 

But if you want to hold to the belief that it is your fault then nothing I or anyone else can say to change that for you.

 

But I do think it is in your best interest to give yourself a break. You wouldn't lie now. You know better. But if you didn't know any better then how is beneficial to you now to think you should have known better?

 

You didn't know better. You were broken. And it's not your fault that you were.

 

I'm being much more honest with people than I ever have been this is true but this is also VERY recent. Like within the past I don't know month or so. Which means well into teenage years, adulthood etc. Yes I had broken coping skills, and to add to that I grew up in a very unstable home but I still feel like there was some earlier point in my life when I should of seen the light and I should have tried to turn my life around earlier on. That said interestinly enough.. the more I have been coming out with what has happened to me to OTHER people, weirdly enough I can't even understand how this is connected.. the less I feel that compulsion to protect myself with lies, to comfort myself with them.

 

As bizarre as it may be I am certainly trying to come full understanding with how I ended up like this but it's almost like lying is the only thing that ever offered me a sense of stability and control in my life. As weird as that sounds, I learned to cover up the pain of what happened to me for years, it taught me to internalize my feelings and believe a lie over the truth. Again, this has been both a destructive habit to myself and to others and while I think it's a cause I don't think it's an excuse.

 

I feel like I should of known better sooner. I know it's wrong to lie on a physical level but the problem is I actually haven't until now realised it on an emotional level . There were times I'd remember thinking ( this can't be right) But that only made me feel like a freak again; like I was different - incompetent and lacking something other people had. I guess I never saw my lies being damaging to others, damaging to me? Quite a lot actually but I had control over that . What I knew about lying is it brought me comfort from my monsters and demons that haunted me. It wasn't just about lying so someone will like me, or lying to get out of trouble. Although I have certainly manipulated that way, I never really understood that lying was bad, because it helped me to survive.

 

I'm happy I'm in therapy, and also I'm glad someone has come into my life that has made me understand just how damaging lying really is ( my partner) . I'm glad that I'm rebuilding now and I just want to take responsibility for my actions.

[amaysngrace]

Speak your truth. Maybe you lied because you were ashamed of the truth?

 

They say the truth will set you free. Maybe they are right? Whoever "they" are.

 

Stick with therapy and keep speaking the truth. You can't go back and change things but you can change from now. So to dwell on something you cannot change is fruitless. Wouldn't it be better to put your energy into something that you can change?

[hoping2heal]

Speak your truth. Maybe you lied because you were ashamed of the truth?

 

They say the truth will set you free. Maybe they are right? Whoever "they" are.

 

Stick with therapy and keep speaking the truth. You can't go back and change things but you can change from now. So to dwell on something you cannot change is fruitless. Wouldn't it be better to put your energy into something that you can change?

 

Yes, I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear that's what was going on lol. I am trying to put my energy into focusing on what I'm doing NOW being right, that doesn't mean I can just forget about what I've done wrong in the past, or that I should for that matter. I comitted those offenses I need to suffer for them of which I do, not just by realising and feeling guilty but by how hard I've made it for the person I care about most and look up to to trust me.

[amaysngrace]

I am trying to put my energy into focusing on what I'm doing NOW being right, that doesn't mean I can just forget about what I've done wrong in the past, or that I should for that matter.

 

I don't know if you should just forget it but I don't think you need to berate yourself for it either. You said you should suffer for it. I say you have suffered enough.

 

You say your BF is the person you should care about and trust the most. I think that should belong to YOU. You should be your number one.

 

Haven't you been second long enough? Didn't it seem like your feelings counted less than somebody else's for almost always? Regardless of who that somebody was?

 

That may be how it was but it doesn't make it right. Healing is all about YOU. Your thoughts first. Your feelings first. What was done to you first before what you've done to others.

 

Because seriously think about this...is your lying as bad as being molested? Did your lies have any impact on someone else's life that is even close to the impact the molestation had on your own? Have you damaged someone as much as you yourself have been damaged?

 

You probably wouldn't lie if you weren't molested. You would feel normal. You would have no reason to lie because you would probably have had a life you could be proud of instead of ashamed of.

 

You wouldn't have to try to fit in. You just would. Had you not been molested.

 

I seriously think it's time you stop blaming yourself for the lies and see the bigger picture.

 

You changed because of what happened to you. You weren't born a liar. But something bad happened to you and it changed you.

 

And it wasn't your fault.

 

If anybody holds it over your head for the lies you've told or the trust you betrayed then you may want to remind them of who told lies to you first and who betrayed your trust first.

 

Because that's where it all began. With him.

 

And now...it's all about YOU.

[hoping2heal]

I don't know if you should just forget it but I don't think you need to berate yourself for it either. You said you should suffer for it. I say you have suffered enough.

 

You say your BF is the person you should care about and trust the most. I think that should belong to YOU. You should be your number one.

 

Haven't you been second long enough? Didn't it seem like your feelings counted less than somebody else's for almost always? Regardless of who that somebody was?

 

That may be how it was but it doesn't make it right. Healing is all about YOU. Your thoughts first. Your feelings first. What was done to you first before what you've done to others.

 

Because seriously think about this...is your lying as bad as being molested? Did your lies have any impact on someone else's life that is even close to the impact the molestation had on your own? Have you damaged someone as much as you yourself have been damaged?

 

You probably wouldn't lie if you weren't molested. You would feel normal. You would have no reason to lie because you would probably have had a life you could be proud of instead of ashamed of.

 

You wouldn't have to try to fit in. You just would. Had you not been molested.

 

I seriously think it's time you stop blaming yourself for the lies and see the bigger picture.

 

You changed because of what happened to you. You weren't born a liar. But something bad happened to you and it changed you.

 

And it wasn't your fault.

 

If anybody holds it over your head for the lies you've told or the trust you betrayed then you may want to remind them of who told lies to you first and who betrayed your trust first.

 

Because that's where it all began. With him.

 

And now...it's all about YOU.

 

I wouldn't say he holds it over my head, he just wants me to be accountable for my actions and I don't think that's unreasonable. I think it's not only helpful to me, but I'm glad he doesn't enable the behavior. It would be easier on me in the short term but realistically this lying this is really bad and it's going to cause me problems for the rest of my life if I don't quit it. It isn't for me to say how my lying has damaged someone else and to guage the severity of it. For my partner, my lying has affected him as if I were someone who cheated on him. So you can imagine how badly that's hurt him.

 

That said, he is still there for me and loves me even after all the hell I've put him through, lying to him repeatedly, fabricating stories, hurting him over and over again. He still sees the good in me and he still supports me.

 

I still don't think there's anything wrong with me saying, being molested isn't an excuse to act in self destructive ways. Yeah at first I thought "well I'm like this because I was molested, this is how I learned to protect myself and this is how I learned to cope and survive and socialise since what happened to me." But then I think that's just making an excuse and blaming it on being molested instead of taking personal responsibility for my negative behavior.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't say he holds it over my head, he just wants me to be accountable for my actions and I don't think that's unreasonable. I think it's not only helpful to me, but I'm glad he doesn't enable the behavior. It would be easier on me in the short term but realistically this lying this is really bad and it's going to cause me problems for the rest of my life if I don't quit it. It isn't for me to say how my lying has damaged someone else and to guage the severity of it. For my partner, my lying has affected him as if I were someone who cheated on him. So you can imagine how badly that's hurt him.

 

That said, he is still there for me and loves me even after all the hell I've put him through, lying to him repeatedly, fabricating stories, hurting him over and over again. He still sees the good in me and he still supports me.

 

I still don't think there's anything wrong with me saying, being molested isn't an excuse to act in self destructive ways. Yeah at first I thought "well I'm like this because I was molested, this is how I learned to protect myself and this is how I learned to cope and survive and socialise since what happened to me." But then I think that's just making an excuse and blaming it on being molested instead of taking personal responsibility for my negative behavior.

 

I agree with you that the lying needs to end. It is destructive and it has been used as a defense mechanism to keep people away or for shame felt or whatever you lied for to begin with.

 

I have done so many things in my past I'm not proud of. I lied in high school. I told someone I was pregnant and started a rumor about myself. How messed up is that? Well you know what? That lie to me was nowhere near as shameful as the secret I had been keeping.

 

Nor was the lying. Crap if lying was the extent of some of the bad shameful behaviors I partaked in my life would be peachy. I don't even know if I'd think there was something wrong with me like I thought always if I were simply just telling lies. I might have missed this whole thing altogether.

 

But you knew from the lies that you were screwed up somehow. I give you lots of credit for that. You must have real keen insight into yourself and that's to be admired.

 

But for me, no matter what I did wrong, no matter what shame I brought onto me or to my family or pain I've inflicted unknowingly on others...no matter what I've done...I forgive it all. I realize how truly dysfunctional I was when I was acting that way. And I give myself some credit for thinking of ways to cope despite being so dysfunctional.

 

I can't be so angry with myself. I had to let it go. For me it's a part of healing. And since I've let it go I think good things about myself instead of bad. I can't continue to beat myself up. I've done that my whole life.

 

So no I wasn't always acting right or saying the right thing and God knows I haven't always done the right thing, but I'm okay with myself for it all.

 

I was dysfunctional.

 

And you know what? That wasn't my fault.

[hoping2heal]

Hey AMG .

 

Nice to see you again, it's been a few days. Well, it's funny you brought up the thing about using lies to keep people away. You know what I realised? I think at the end of the day, my lying is a little of both. It's about acceptance but ultimately about keeping others from becoming too close to me, to keep me from having true intimacy with people.

 

It's helped me a lot, actually now every day instead of saying "I'm not going to lie to my partner" the last few days it's now "Today I'm going to make the choice to trust him." I have to do that every day, and it's not his fault. I really love him though and I want to make things work, he didn't ask for a broken and dysfunctional partner. It's funny cause I remember one of the early conversations I had with my partner when I first started confronting my lying both to myself to him; I would say that as long as I lied it would keep me from achieving true intimacy with another person.

 

Of all the times I've racked my brain, I realise that yeah I think a little of the need to be accepted, and feeling like I won't be accepted for who I am is part of it, but moreso than anything, I think this is all a way to protect myself. It's almost like as much as the rejection hurts and has hurt when people find out I'm lying peers, internet relationships, etc... I think I feel like I need that so I can be safe. As much as it hurts when there's a fallout I always feel like "well yeah, but I knew this would happen eventually" . It's almost like I feel the need to control and orchestrate the hurt, because I assume every relationship I have will end in me being hurt, but it's like "okay but I at least chose how to go" . Yeah if this makes any sense to you, I don't know . It's also another eye opener to me that I believe everything will ALWAYS end in me being hurt, as if there is no other option. I'm learning a lot .

 

So, yeah like I said now I have to remind myself continually I'm going to make the choice to trust him. Some days it's really scary I think "please don't ruin my life" lol.

 

I don't know about me being (whatever the nice things yuo said were, I forgot them already lol sorry ) but I will say this, I'm proud of myself. I've been actually DOING what I say I believe. Even though it's been difficult, painful and caused stress I've really actually been following through and making choices that line up with my beliefs. That's a big change and a big step for me. It's given me a lot of confidence actually. I'm more assertive now and I'm treating myself with more respect. I feel I don't know, I feel happy actually . Even though I'm going through a very painful experience, I just feel yeah happy

 

I've undergone a lot of things and changes in a very small period of time, and although It's been at least a week since I've slept well without having graphic nightmares, and some days this past week I do nothing but cry non stop - I actually believe this is a sign I'm getting better. I believe this is me finally dealing with the emotions I've repressed for so long. I even recovered a memory of one of the incidents that happened to me, but I won't say what yet until I tell my partner about it first . These really really intimate things I want him to know before therapist, friends, and my msg board support team .

[amaysngrace]

I don't know about me being (whatever the nice things yuo said were, I forgot them already lol sorry ) but I will say this, I'm proud of myself. I've been actually DOING what I say I believe. Even though it's been difficult, painful and caused stress I've really actually been following through and making choices that line up with my beliefs. That's a big change and a big step for me. It's given me a lot of confidence actually. I'm more assertive now and I'm treating myself with more respect. I feel I don't know, I feel happy actually . Even though I'm going through a very painful experience, I just feel yeah happy

 

I've undergone a lot of things and changes in a very small period of time, and although It's been at least a week since I've slept well without having graphic nightmares, and some days this past week I do nothing but cry non stop - I actually believe this is a sign I'm getting better. I believe this is me finally dealing with the emotions I've repressed for so long. I even recovered a memory of one of the incidents that happened to me, but I won't say what yet until I tell my partner about it first . These really really intimate things I want him to know before therapist, friends, and my msg board support team .

 

Hey h2h!

 

You sound great! It's hell getting flashbacks, isn't it? I feel so bad that you are going through that right now. I know I have more to discover but am so not looking forward to doing that hell again.

 

Take extra good care of yourself right now. You are going through a lot. XO

 

It's so hard to trust. I have a big hard time with that one too. My BF is awesome. He is the most patient caring man I've ever had in my life. I'm still at a point where I can tell him to kiss off and mean it. I still have that capacity to hurt before I get hurt.

 

You and I are on the same page it seems. We are both going through the very same things at the very same time. That's kind of cool.

 

I'm glad you stood up to your mom. That takes a lot of courage to finally speak out about how badly this affects us. And moms are suppose to be moms. I was really angry at mine but now we are getting better since I spoke up. I don't know what changed exactly, if she sees me differently than before, or maybe it's just that I see me differentlly than before? I can't really say. It could be it's a little bit of both.

 

I am without my kids this weekend so I probably won't be doing too much computer and won't see you for a few days but I hope you have a really good weekend doing whatever it is that YOU want to be doing. Take it easy on yourself. Flashbacks are really hard to go through. But even though they suck they do help you get better. I'm glad you're getting better.

 

(((thinking of you)))

[hoping2heal]

Thankyou . I am great actually, despite going through an extremely difficult time in my life. It's been a lot of trauma and stress lately, as I said Basically I'm only having bad dreams right now. While the scenarios change, the theme is always the same. It's always someone trying to hurt me and me trying to "get away" . I wake up scared and I just want to hear my bf's voice.

 

That said, I've been standing on my own two feet lately. It feels really good, I guess that's why I feel happy. I guess I know that I'm getting through this in a healthy and constructive way vs. coping in a destructive way. Oh that reminds me! The highlight of my week; well bf and I are LDR right now, and he is working on something very important to him that's very intensive and tedius. Well, up until a few days ago, I didn't realise how good what he's doing makes him feel (now that he's seeing he's correct and it's paying off so to speak) and how happy it makes him. I only up until that point saw how much stress he was going through with it etc. That said, I used to sometimes feel sad about not getting a lot of attention because he needed to do that but I did the best I could to be understanding. WELL, now that I realise like I said.. how happy it makes him and how good it makes him feel about himself; even though it's meant sacrificing a lot of time with him; I don't have to do my best to be a good sport- I'm just plain HAPPY and not down about it at all.

 

Which means TA DA, I really love another person . It's not just feelings and emotions, I mean I really love him. It wasn't something I even had to make a concious effort to do in the way of trying to be "happy" since it makes him happy. No, it was just there automatically. I'm growing . I feel really good that I'm able to love another person in the true sense of the word and that's my proof .

 

Well, thanks for checking in on me. I don't have any children but I have PMS this weekend and the lifetime movie network . I feel really achey and tired today and most of my duties are already taken care of for the day so I think I'm just going to take it easy. I've been worn out all week from my crappy sleep situation. Take care and I hope you have a nice weekend.

[amaysngrace]

Which means TA DA, I really love another person . It's not just feelings and emotions, I mean I really love him. It wasn't something I even had to make a concious effort to do in the way of trying to be "happy" since it makes him happy. No, it was just there automatically. I'm growing . I feel really good that I'm able to love another person in the true sense of the word and that's my proof .

 

 

Hi. I got on here for a little bit. I want to go to the beach but there are a billion people here. We call them shoobies. Today getting my coffee in the store I was elbow to elbow with people and there was some dumb chick standing there with her baby in her arms right smack dab in the middle of everyone getting coffees. Her baby could get scorched but she looked like she had an IQ of about 50 so I guess it makes sense.

 

I misunderstood you. I thought you were having flashbacks but you are only just crying. That's mourning. It's before flashbacks at least it was for me.

 

I seriously think being in a loving relationship helps us feel secure enough to want to heal. It brought out something in me, knowing that I am loved and accepted no matter what.

 

I love my BF too.

 

I will probably be on more than I thought this weekend. I really wanted to go down to Cape May and watch the sunset with my BF but I don't really want to drive or be in the car right now to go anywhere. We can do it some other night. Like a Tuesday.

 

Did you decide if you are going to your family get together this weekend?

 

No matter what you do I hope it's a good one.

[hoping2heal]

Hey girly,

 

Good, glad you could get on now you can keep me company . As for flashbacks, well I'm pretty sure that's what I had. Something totally irrellevent suddenly brought me to this brief "memory" and then I got this taste in my mouth. I think that's a flashback?

 

I had all good dreams last night, no bad ones. To add to the mix, they were alll about my bf, continiously . No, I'm not going to the family gathering. I would like to but, I'm not going to sit there with my aunt there. It would only make me miserable, and the being bummed out about not going compared to the misery of going, is much smaller than the misery of being there with her. Especially with what I remembered this past week. There's really no need to make myself unhappy and uncomfortable.

 

UGH. I have awful cramps today:mad: . Oooh so my new "project" is getting a houseplant . I'm still researching what kind to get though, Man I miss my bf lol . Yeah, he's been really supportive about everything and that's made all the difference to me really. It's kind of funny cause they talk about like love being a woman who makes you want to be a better man, but he makes me want to be a better woman lol lol . Well, he does. I guess though he just makes me want to be the best me that's there. It's everything to me when I'm making him proud, as proud as I feel of myself hearing it from him makes it ten times better.