wishingonastar Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I'm 23 (24 in June) and my boyfriend is 47 (48 in April). We both live on our own (I rent and he owns his own house), have good full time jobs and we are very much in love. We will have been "officially" going out for 1 year on 12th April although have been talking/getting to know each other for slightly longer than that. I have always wanted to get married and have had 2 men propose to me up until now in previous relationships, I said no both times as I knew they weren't right for me and we split up. Now I have met the man of my dreams who I would say yes to without even blinking (!) there doesn't seem to be any sign of a proposal around the corner! He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever, why won't he make the next move? I remember we were once laying together one night talking about relationships and he said "well I think you should be with somebody for at least a couple of years and then make the next move" - is he saying that to put things on hold or does he really not want to get married? I have a feeling he's done this before? He's 47 and has never been married with no children, I don't want to judge him because of that but can't help thinking there's some truth in it? ! I'm going out of my mind and I'm dying to give him an ultimatum but I don't think that's fair and I don't want to lose him, I love him. Help ! Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 1) Haven't even been together a year 2) You're young, he knows how fickle youngsters are 3) He is older and established financially, marriage puts him at risk 4) He doesn't believe in marriage Some reasons that come to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Before you levy ultimatums - one question: Does he know marriage is important to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wishingonastar Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 I am young and yes, there is quite an age gap between us but he doesn't see me as a "youngster", in fact he always comments at how mature I am, I don't think he sees me as "fickle" and he also knows how I feel about marriage, how I would love to one day have a ring on my finger etc. I don't want to pressure him as if he ever did propose I would want it to come from the heart, not because I asked him to do it.. Maybe I should come back here in another year? Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic? Maybe I should give him more time and space? He's had a couple of bad relationships before me i.e. both of them used him and screwed him up, that could be why he's defensive now and doesn't want to allow himself to get too involved and open up too much? I think I'm just confused because on the one hand he's all over me and saying I'm gorgeous etc etc and how much he loves me, on the other he won't commit? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I understand you equal commitment to an engagement ring, but from the sounds of it, he is committed to you as a boyfriend. In that conversation about relationships you mentioned, he did say one should wait for a couple of years. You're young and in love so why not just go along with it for another year and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Jo78 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I have a feeling he's done this before? He's 47 and has never been married with no children, I don't want to judge him because of that but can't help thinking there's some truth in it? ! You might be right on about this. Also, and please don't take this personally, the fact that he is almost 48 and dates a 23 year old sounds a little like a midlife crisis at best, not being capable of dealing with a woman his own age at worst. Also He's had a couple of bad relationships before me i.e. both of them used him and screwed him up Big red flag, right there! You could be 'getting his confidence back up'-rebound girl. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Or it could be that he's being careful and she's the right girl for him finally. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherished Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 At age 23 you are still so young to worry about getting married....why not wait another year, as Kamille has suggested. If he hasn't proposed by another year's time, I would move on because I feel that a man should propose after 2 years or he's not really that in love with you. I say this because after 2 years, he has had enough time to figure out if you are "the one" or not. If he is still on the fence about marrying you by 2 years, he's not all in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 A guy that old who has never been married may be too firmly entrenched into living for and by himself to ever get married. he has his own way of living and doing things, and he may never want to have to deal with someone else's daily living quirks 24/7/365. Besides, you have only been dating about a year - not nearly long enough to make a commitment like marriage IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
OTgirl Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I agree with the other posters and your SO. It is wise to date someone several years before getting married. You should just enjoy dating and learning about each other at this point. In a year or two, maybe you can talk about marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I'm going out of my mind and I'm dying to give him an ultimatum Have you explored what, exactly, about your current situation is making you "go out of your mind"? That is, what are you perceiving that he is doing, and/or what were you expecting that he is not doing, that has you feeling as if you need "proof" of his commitment to you? In my experience, ultimatums are ultimately only good to generate guilt, resentment and confusion...we end up not knowing if they proposed (in this case) because they wanted to, or just cos we bullied/manipulated them into it. So, the insecurity that led to the ultimatum just gets fed by the inevitable guilt, resentment and confusion...a vicious cycle that goes way past "unfair" Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 What is your rush to get married about? You've only been an adult for a few years, and you've only known him for a year, yet you're ready to to sign up for living the next 30 or so years of your life with him already? Why? What's the hurry? he said "well I think you should be with somebody for at least a couple of years and then make the next move" Has he ever had a relationship that has lasted more than 2 years? Has he ever made 'the next move'? Does he even want marriage and children for himself? Link to post Share on other sites
janey815 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 yea i don't see why you're in such a rush anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 At age 23 you are still so young to worry about getting married....why not wait another year, as Kamille has suggested. If he hasn't proposed by another year's time, I would move on because I feel that a man should propose after 2 years or he's not really that in love with you. I say this because after 2 years, he has had enough time to figure out if you are "the one" or not. If he is still on the fence about marrying you by 2 years, he's not all in it. Lol, cant argue with that "logic"? Link to post Share on other sites
era Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I remember we were once laying together one night talking about relationships and he said "well I think you should be with somebody for at least a couple of years and then make the next move" I think he is being honest with you. Wait another year, see what happens. Don't give him an ultimatum just now...this can really come back and bite you on the bum. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 yet you're ready to to sign up for living the next 30 or so years of your life with him already? Why? What's the hurry? :lmao: Is this 30 yrs of marriage because he's almost 50? Um, okay sorry... yes OP... give him a year and then maybe move in together to see if you guys tolerate each other? Then marriage? Good thing is that you are still young enough to wait a decade to still have kids, and --- so is he able to make kids in a decade, supposedly... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 After ONE year.... rushing the thought of marriage is nuts! That's quite the age gap, more than twice your age. I don't question what it's about for him- but what is this all about for you??? Link to post Share on other sites
Tizzy Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 You're in love with a man that's twice your age and has never been married or had kids. Do you want kids? Does he? Have you discussed things like this with him? Why are you convinced he's the guy you want to marry? perhaps you're simply infatuated with him or you're in love with the idea of being married. Just throwing that out there. He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever, why won't he make the next move? ...he said "well I think you should be with somebody for at least a couple of years and then make the next move" - is he saying that to put things on hold or does he really not want to get married? Since you two are so in love you should be asking him these questions, not us. How can we know whether this guy "really wants to get married" or not and why he won't "make the next move". Although IMHO, if someone wants to get married to you they make it pretty apparent, especially men. I think you should ask your bf straight out if he sees marriage as a possibility in your future at all. Talk to this guy about what's on your mind. I definitely wouldn't give an ultimatum. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Have you expressed to him that you want to be married to him? Maybe he is thinking that because of your age you are not ready to talk about marriage right now. If I were you I would tell him how I feel. He being 46 may be ready to get married and start a family. Talk to him about this and don't be afraid to express yourself. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
egyptgurl Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 try dating a guy for 5 1/2 yrs and still nothing! AND I'm several years older than you. I say HELP to you my dear! Link to post Share on other sites
kimba75 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 It worries me that he is that old and never been married. Huge red flag! He is not likely to marry anyone, I hate to tell you. BTW, you have only been dating one year. That is so not even close to the point where you should be talking about marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
chutzpah89 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 At age 23 you are still so young to worry about getting married....why not wait another year, as Kamille has suggested. If he hasn't proposed by another year's time, I would move on because I feel that a man should propose after 2 years or he's not really that in love with you. I say this because after 2 years, he has had enough time to figure out if you are "the one" or not. If he is still on the fence about marrying you by 2 years, he's not all in it. This isn't always true. I've been with my significant other for over 2 years now and We've spoken about marriage...he just hasn't proposed yet. I know he loves me a whole lot, we just aren't finacially ready for it yet (we're only 20) Just a heads up. I would say wait though. As much as you THINK you know him in one year...it takes longer than that for the chemicals of love you're feeling now to subside and for you to move into another stage of love...which can be much more difficult. Time will come. You shouldn't be in a rush. Talk to him about it and ask if he has any plans to get married in the future, but don't pressure him. If your plans don't match his...it may be time to move on. Just give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkrunner Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 What is marriage going to do for you? Take a look at the divorce rate in this country. A piece of paper (wedding certificate) doesn't mean anything. Are you thinking because he marries you, that means he is really super committed? 50-60% percent of people in this country walk right through that piece of paper all the time. Unless you just want a show for your friends and family, I really don't understand why it is a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 i'd wait ten years until you're old enough to decide if you still want to be married to someone almost 60 years old. if you still want to - then get married at that point. seriously! why not wait... there's no reason to hurry up and get married. Link to post Share on other sites
loser101 Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 I'm 23 (24 in June) and my boyfriend is 47 (48 in April). We both live on our own (I rent and he owns his own house), have good full time jobs and we are very much in love. We will have been "officially" going out for 1 year on 12th April although have been talking/getting to know each other for slightly longer than that. I have always wanted to get married and have had 2 men propose to me up until now in previous relationships, I said no both times as I knew they weren't right for me and we split up. Now I have met the man of my dreams who I would say yes to without even blinking (!) there doesn't seem to be any sign of a proposal around the corner! He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever, why won't he make the next move? I remember we were once laying together one night talking about relationships and he said "well I think you should be with somebody for at least a couple of years and then make the next move" - is he saying that to put things on hold or does he really not want to get married? I have a feeling he's done this before? He's 47 and has never been married with no children, I don't want to judge him because of that but can't help thinking there's some truth in it? ! I'm going out of my mind and I'm dying to give him an ultimatum but I don't think that's fair and I don't want to lose him, I love him. Help ! you post another thread with the same post a little while ago. you got the same responses. give it up already Link to post Share on other sites
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