CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I need some advice, my wife and I seperated on Sunday night, I packed my bags and left. I need some advice on how to survive a seperation. We still talk, either on the phone, through email or text we just don't see each other. Is their anything I can do like send a edible fruit basket, I transfered $100 into her account so she can get gorcery's, what should I do to help the situation and give her space. I know I couldn've done a lot of things different. At times I wasn't the husband that I could've been and she says its hard for her to get over a lot of things even though some have been a few yrs ago, but I see the urgency of this and that she's really thinking hard about leaving me. I've overlooked the little things and I've done a couple of major things wrong but when I express my wrong doings she just says, that's nice but it might be to late. If anyone can help me I'd appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
in a daze Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 heres some advice that was given to me by the great people here( it took me roughly 2 months to finally listen and do it). give her space and work on you! dont call text, or email. dont keep telling her how you have changed, actions speak louder than words tenfold. i kept telling my wife that i know what my issues are and i have changed, until i stopped trying to tell her this and show her, i got nowhere( it actually pushed her further away. things are slowly getting better, i mean slowly, and its driving me nuts, but they ARE improving. i dont know how it will end up, but i wish i listened to the advice from day 1. gl!!! Link to post Share on other sites
wifesgone Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I need some advice, my wife and I seperated on Sunday night, I packed my bags and left. I need some advice on how to survive a seperation. We still talk, either on the phone, through email or text we just don't see each other. Is their anything I can do like send a edible fruit basket, I transfered $100 into her account so she can get gorcery's, what should I do to help the situation and give her space. I know I couldn've done a lot of things different. At times I wasn't the husband that I could've been and she says its hard for her to get over a lot of things even though some have been a few yrs ago, but I see the urgency of this and that she's really thinking hard about leaving me. I've overlooked the little things and I've done a couple of major things wrong but when I express my wrong doings she just says, that's nice but it might be to late. If anyone can help me I'd appreciate it. First off who wanted the separation? If it was her carry your ass back to the house, tell her if she wants to separate she can happily go get a place of her own. If you wanted the separation I can't help you. But from the sounds of it you didn't want it. Am I right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 First off who wanted the separation? If it was her carry your ass back to the house, tell her if she wants to separate she can happily go get a place of her own. If you wanted the separation I can't help you. But from the sounds of it you didn't want it. Am I right? your right I didn't want it, it was her who really wanted. But I also figured that time might be good Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 heres some advice that was given to me by the great people here( it took me roughly 2 months to finally listen and do it). give her space and work on you! dont call text, or email. dont keep telling her how you have changed, actions speak louder than words tenfold. i kept telling my wife that i know what my issues are and i have changed, until i stopped trying to tell her this and show her, i got nowhere( it actually pushed her further away. things are slowly getting better, i mean slowly, and its driving me nuts, but they ARE improving. i dont know how it will end up, but i wish i listened to the advice from day 1. gl!!! So if she calls about something, how should I react, how should my tone be, because usually we may get on the topic of the seperation. Plus my kids have an event on Thursday, should I go? How did you show your wife that you had indeed changed Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 You made it easy for her. I recognize the signs because I've done this. Realize that neither of you is perfect. She had her part in the current state of your M. She bears responsibility and the attendant pain. Do not send her any gifts. She can ask you for grocery money, or she can find her own way. Since she wanted out, she bears responsibility for making that happen. Here is a phrase I came up with during my process: "You like the freedom of being single and the security of being married. That's unacceptable" Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 You made it easy for her. I recognize the signs because I've done this. Realize that neither of you is perfect. She had her part in the current state of your M. She bears responsibility and the attendant pain. Do not send her any gifts. She can ask you for grocery money, or she can find her own way. Since she wanted out, she bears responsibility for making that happen. Here is a phrase I came up with during my process: "You like the freedom of being single and the security of being married. That's unacceptable" So just leave her alone, if she needs something let her get it herself Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Good advice. I came up with the phrase in MC, while we were working through our feelings on the M. The second sentence, the important one, said "I feel unappreciated and taken advantage of". Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Another is I can't totally cut out the communication because we have kids, how do I handle that? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 LC = limited contact This is similar to LC for professionals dealing with a workplace affair where neither can relocate. You have contact strictly about and for the benefit of the children. You actively divert any other subject matter back to the children. If she persists, hang up on her (or do not engage her). It's kinda like a version of "I can't talk to you. Here's my lawyer's number." From a male perspective, my reasoning is this: Women (in this instance) use words and the attendant thought patterns related to them to manipulate thoughts and emotions in a man. "Push his buttons" as it were. Even if you are totally emotionally aware and see it coming, she has a lifetime of daily experience doing this and you will never be a match for her. Trust me The important thing here is the children. Communicate in a matter-of-fact way about their well-being and security. Parents here can likely help you far more than I. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Yeah I do need to call on parents who are in here..... Thanks, if you have anymore info please let me in on it Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Communicate and help when it only deals with the children. For everything else, she's on her own. For future reference, if it's she who wants to seperate, it's she who leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
in a daze Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Communicate and help when it only deals with the children. For everything else, she's on her own. For future reference, if it's she who wants to seperate, it's she who leaves. absolute bingo!! kids come first, she doesnt come anymore, at least for now. trust the forum, i wish i did from the start Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I will from now on Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Had a good night last night, she text me before I went to bed because I transfered that money into her account, and she needed it because she need to get my kids some food, she said thanks and she really appreciated it. But other then that I still had a nice night, I had to remember who I was and what I was about. I had to remember my good qualities and what makes me, me. So now I know I'm not afraid to lose her, even though I don't but I know I'll be fine in the long run... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 What I dont get is if your doing everything right and she wants you to leave anyways? And remember they arent your kids. Their hers. Raising kids on her own is what she wants right? then let her. I wouldnt do anything for her financially anymore. Seperated or divorced. I'm sorry but if I'm doing right by you and you want to kick me out like I was just someone you used for monetary gain hows that supposed to make me feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I did it just once but as long as we're seperated I'm not gonna do nothing for her... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 your right I didn't want it, it was her who really wanted. But I also figured that time might be good Then SHE should have left, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Sending over money for your kids to have food.... Is not doing something for her. Its for the kids. One has nothing to do with the other. So, now you arent going to continue to send them food money? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Sending over money for your kids to have food.... Is not doing something for her. Its for the kids. One has nothing to do with the other. So, now you arent going to continue to send them food money? Well shouldnt she have thought of that before kicking him out for no apparent reason??? She didnt think through anything just did what she felt like doing, what usually women do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I don't see a situation where she asked him to leave for no reason. I see a man who is saying that he has done major things wrong for years, and that he has done little things wrong for years. He surely didn't come on here with a list of wrongs that the wife has committed, but he sure did come up with the fact that he is guilty of a lot of non-marriage nurturing activities. OP said, " I see the urgency of this and that she's really thinking hard about leaving me." YA THINK? It's like she has been saying this for years, and NOW he finally *thinks* that she really wants the marriage to be over. Go ahead and put your children into a position of suffering, and think that your inattention and your lack of giving will help you with this marriage/ separation/ divorce/ whatever happens. If anything, those things right there will reinforce a judge's belief that you are uncaring of your children's needs when you want joint custody - and you will be denied. Your support will be mandated, and a refusal to help support your children at this point can be entered into a judgment against you for past support. Acting like a real, concerned and mature father will do you much better with working on your marriage as well as any future court case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Well shouldnt she have thought of that before kicking him out for no apparent reason??? She didnt think through anything just did what she felt like doing, what usually women do. Well a quick background on us: At times I wasn't the best husband in the world. I tried to make sure that my family doesn't go without, the effort was their. I had gotten laid off but its not like I was sitting on the couch doing nothing I was out doing work. My wife will probably say I wasn't helping out which is true and false. She got sick last year because to much stress and we were without insurance and we're blessed that Kaiser took care of the bill. So I have my faults but so does she. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CM2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I don't see a situation where she asked him to leave for no reason. I see a man who is saying that he has done major things wrong for years, and that he has done little things wrong for years. He surely didn't come on here with a list of wrongs that the wife has committed, but he sure did come up with the fact that he is guilty of a lot of non-marriage nurturing activities. OP said, " I see the urgency of this and that she's really thinking hard about leaving me." YA THINK? It's like she has been saying this for years, and NOW he finally *thinks* that she really wants the marriage to be over. Go ahead and put your children into a position of suffering, and think that your inattention and your lack of giving will help you with this marriage/ separation/ divorce/ whatever happens. If anything, those things right there will reinforce a judge's belief that you are uncaring of your children's needs when you want joint custody - and you will be denied. Your support will be mandated, and a refusal to help support your children at this point can be entered into a judgment against you for past support. Acting like a real, concerned and mature father will do you much better with working on your marriage as well as any future court case. First off thank you for your point of veiw, yes I do have my faults. But one thing you can never accuse me of is not being their for my kids. I was their when their own Dad wasn't. I was their taking them to sporting events, school events, it was all me. My wife does have aher faults but I won't get into those. But I'll put it like this I have put up with a lot of BS myself over the years and she knows it, and my thing with this OP said, " I see the urgency of this and that she's really thinking hard about leaving me." YA THINK? It's like she has been saying this for years, and NOW he finally *thinks* that she really wants the marriage to be over. is that i've always asked in the past what can I do to make you happy, and I figured that when I got back on my feet she'll be happy but I was wrong. I never cheated, I don't drink, smoke, im very easy to get along with, I have never neglected my kids needs. Trust me I haven't given up on my marriage not one bit, I still think their is a chance, but you guys only know so much of what I have to put up with, you wouldn't believe that some of the crap. In terms of custady I'm not their bio-father. I love them more then life itself but those are her children, I wouldn't do that to her, trying to take custady of them. I'll pass on that Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 If you love them more than life itself, then you will go to their sporting events, to school meetings, to doctor's appts - and you will not withhold money for their life out of spite. Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 You should have never left the house. Move back asap or you will be sorry. Just ask anyone here. Link to post Share on other sites
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