Calling all Parents!!!

[CM2009]

We're still married, she want "space." I probably won't sit next to her. But I can't just put the blame on her, at times I wasn't the best husband, I probably did take her for granted, and I made a few mistakes but I'm human and I have emotions and I mess up like everyone. It's just with her she can't get over a couple of them.

[SRV]

We're still married, she want "space." I probably won't sit next to her. But I can't just put the blame on her, at times I wasn't the best husband, I probably did take her for granted, and I made a few mistakes but I'm human and I have emotions and I mess up like everyone. It's just with her she can't get over a couple of them.

 

I am not expert in this field, but from my experience and from reading on these boards, women respect men who are resolute and decisive, it is a depiction of "strength" that they so much seek. Act confident, you know the part you played in your marriage, but it took two to tango, she played a part too.

 

Forget the revisionist history, hard as it may be to swallow, there have to be consequences to her needing "space", and best believe the space she needs is not to bake the children a cake or cookies.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Space for what? Space to feel independant? Space to fool around? What does she need space for? To make a decision about your collective future? Why should that decision be only in her hands?

[CM2009]

Oh trust me im honestly thinking of not coming back regardless what she says, the last few days reminded me of the freedom I had. No more bs from her, her family. It's on the brain heavy right now

[CM2009]

I'm glad this night is over, well I went and had a nice time. My wife and I were cordial just small talk. Next door to the arcade where the even was an El Torrito so she asked me to walk with her while she goes pick up some to go. So I went we didn't talk about much but just the college bball games and the kids. I can sort of see a little hurt on her face, and I can tell she was bothered but oh well I came for my kids and not to see her. So I walked them to the car and had a lil small talk with my kids and then I left.

[Justanotherschmuck]

I wrote a response earlier, but it got eaten by LS when I had to re-login after a delay. I'll try to restate:

 

 

 

You could go as a father, because there is nothing wrong with you or your relationship as their father.

 

As far as interacting with your wife, this is where my "deal with her in her character roles" philosophy comes into play. Interact with her, if you want, parent-to-parent, on issues of the kids, but you are entitled to draw a boundary against spousal issues. If she's interested in where you are staying, or any of that spousal kind of stuff, you could say "I'm here tonight as a father; that's spouse stuff, and we can discuss it at another time," or something like that. Seeing her in those different character roles, and practicing interacting with her differently will help you draw those boundaries, and claim some of the power back, while still being a father to the kids.

 

 

Again, we'll probably go back and forth on this - I feel like we're in a battle for your soul here, but I don't preach this same line.

 

 

Ahhh, but if he wants to be there at the kids' event, wouldn't staying away, fuming in the corner to make a point, be doing exactly that: letting the separation dictate the nature of the relationship with the kids?

 

 

The essence of this I can go along with. Look, if you just can't handle it, I would understand - they aren't your biological kids, nobody should fault you. On the other hand, I don't agree with the sarcastic line that "civil" should be in quotes, or that it should be equated with "stylish," as if being civil is a silly, passing fad to be disparaged, or that if you chose to go, you would obviously be putting on a "bullsheet face".

 

Do you want to be there, as a father? Then go as a father, interact with people as a father, enjoy the event as a father, and set and enforce boundaries around your role as spouse. Y

 

Which sounds more powerful: that, or the idea of sitting at home, wishing you could be there, but forcing yourself to stay away, mumbling to yourself "boy, I'll show her..."? Which of these people looks more like the one you want to be?

 

Hey, trimmer, how are you. Yep, youre right. We'll go back and forth on this. SHE did this. Not him. Its all a big show. I'm NOT into shows. The fake smiles, the phony lines................SHE decided to take HIS life in a direction that HE HAD NO SAY OVER. HIS LIFE. And because of her decision, bad situations WILL occur. But society, and his wife, EXPECT him to walk around with a sheet eating grin on his face playing nice nice.

 

Big middle finger to that. ANd yeah, "civil" is bull. Whats civil now, won't be in a hundred years and vice versa. REAL civil is what HE wants it to be.

Breaking up a family and breaking promises is NOT civil to me. To someone else, its "oh, we just grew apart". Grow this. So IF, as I stated, he REALLY doesn't mind playing the cards SHE FORCED on him, fine, go. AS LONG ITS WHAT HE WANTS TO DO. If not, he should NEVER let society and his "spouse" (love those marks!) dictate to him WHAT he should feel bad about. A wife has say in a husbands behavior IN A MARRIAGE. ONce she decides that marriage isn't worth it, the right to influence her husbands behavior is FORFEITED. Unless the husband still wants that influence..

 

You see, Trimmer, it seems EVERYONE (an exaggeration for points sake) seems to think that a walkaway wife is within her right to seek hapiness IN SPITE of promises. THey have a right to "find themselves" REGARDLESS how many lives they negatively impact. Fine. Then a husband has a right to act in a way that causes him less pain.

 

You just see it different trimmer. I think the true NATURE of this crap will never be exposed while husbands (or wives who have been left behind) are constantly PLAYACTING in situations where the walkaway WANTS them to eliviate embarassement and discomfort from situations created by THEIR actions.

 

But like I said before. I am fully aware that I am in the vast minority in how I feel. So be it. I feel NO guilt. If kids can take a divorce, a SPLIT in the way they know life, they can take not seeing their mother and father together at such "important" (there I go again) events as ..............................Marriages, you know with all that "till death due us part" stuff....people take that stuff seriously you know!!

 

Take care, Trimmer. I may not agree with you, but I read your posts and try to understand how you feel.

[CM2009]

Well to everyone who's posted on this topic thank you in advance. I really appreciate the advice

[Trimmer]

Hey, trimmer, how are you. Yep, youre right. We'll go back and forth on this. SHE did this. Not him.....

 

Take care, Trimmer. I may not agree with you, but I read your posts and try to understand how you feel.

Hey, man - in spite of the intensity of my own feelings on the subject, and my use of big words like 'diametrically opposed', I understand and empathize with your views more than it may seem. And I won't even insult you by whipping out the superior "Oh, when you get further along you'll understand..." deal. I do get it, and the fundamental basis of our views is actually pretty similar: my thought is that I accept my part of the responsibility for the state of the marriage that was, but her decision to walk away from it is ALL, COMPLETELY, on her. I was aware, ready, and willing to keep working, and she gave up. I don't have any desire, nor do I put any effort, into making that burden, or the consequences of her decision, easier on her.

 

My main concern - as you may have detected - is living up to the responsibility I willingly accepted when I became a father. I'll trust that in spite of what your wife has done, you are doing the best you can to live up to yours, even if our paths don't exactly match. If that's true, then I'll shake your hand and wish you, and your kids, the very best of luck.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey, man - in spite of the intensity of my own feelings on the subject, and my use of big words like 'diametrically opposed', I understand and empathize with your views more than it may seem. And I won't even insult you by whipping out the superior "Oh, when you get further along you'll understand..." deal. I do get it, and the fundamental basis of our views is actually pretty similar: my thought is that I accept my part of the responsibility for the state of the marriage that was, but her decision to walk away from it is ALL, COMPLETELY, on her. I was aware, ready, and willing to keep working, and she gave up. I don't have any desire, nor do I put any effort, into making that burden, or the consequences of her decision, easier on her.

 

My main concern - as you may have detected - is living up to the responsibility I willingly accepted when I became a father. I'll trust that in spite of what your wife has done, you are doing the best you can to live up to yours, even if our paths don't exactly match. If that's true, then I'll shake your hand and wish you, and your kids, the very best of luck.

 

But she's the on e that wants him to leave and these biologically arent his kids, why should he remain doing fatherly things still giving off the appearance as a family. I mean when she as a wife wants to go it alone and yet still wants this man in his kids' life but not hers even though they are still married is one tough pill to swallow. and I know if I was in this situation The minute I was kicked out I might not be coming back.

 

I'd be filing for divorce and moving on, why stay in a place where your not wanted. This is what she wanted, she wanted him out, she needed space, she got her wish. Even though he raised them kids let's be real she feels he's not needed anymore and she can do it on her own. She's an idiot and I'd be an idiot to for interacting with her in any form or fashion. I'd move on and start to build my own family. With kids that are biologically mine and a a woman i could trust, who wont need space and wont have that many issues!!!

[Trimmer]

But she's the on e that wants him to leave and these biologically arent his kids, why should he remain doing fatherly things still giving off the appearance as a family. I mean when she as a wife wants to go it alone and yet still wants this man in his kids' life but not hers even though they are still married is one tough pill to swallow. and I know if I was in this situation The minute I was kicked out I might not be coming back.

 

I'd be filing for divorce and moving on, why stay in a place where your not wanted. This is what she wanted, she wanted him out, she needed space, she got her wish. Even though he raised them kids let's be real she feels he's not needed anymore and she can do it on her own. She's an idiot and I'd be an idiot to for interacting with her in any form or fashion. I'd move on and start to build my own family. With kids that are biologically mine and a a woman i could trust, who wont need space and wont have that many issues!!!

I see what you are saying here, but I'm really kind of involved in two slightly different discussions...

 

With Justanotherschmuck, I'm talking to a guy whose wife has left, who does have biological children with her, and who is himself making the decision to step away from them to some degree and casting that as a consequence of her actions. I am saying to him that while I have chosen a very different path from this, that I understand and empathize with his position.

 

With the OP, although the kids are not biologically his, he has specifically stated a desire to remain involved in their lives, and although he is getting advice from JAS and you saying, in essence, "go ahead and walk away; she doesn't want you and they're not your kids anyway..." I'm taking a different approach and saying that if he does want to remain involved, he can do so and protect himself by considering himself a father, and separating and drawing emotional boundaries around his diminishing role as spouse.

 

I base this on his original statments that he wants to remain involved. I did allow that since they're not his biological (or, I assume legal, by adoption) kids, that he's got a different position from JAS or me, in that it is more understandable if he didn't feel that unbreakable connection with them. If that were the case, I admit that it's a different situation, and I don't know exactly how I'd feel. I don't take a stand on that - I leave it to him to decide.

 

So you're seeing my comments mixed between one's I'm making to JAS about fathers with biological kids that are their own, and the OP whose kids are not.

 

In either case, my main point is that a father can stay involved - to the degree that he wants to - by continuing to be a strong, confident father, and drawing boundaries around the spousal role.

 

Whether he should stay involved to a given degree, or has a specific responsibility to stay involved to a given degree, is a valid, but separate question, and I admit that it's got a different texture between JAS and the OP.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I see what you are saying here, but I'm really kind of involved in two slightly different discussions...

 

With Justanotherschmuck, I'm talking to a guy whose wife has left, who does have biological children with her, and who is himself making the decision to step away from them to some degree and casting that as a consequence of her actions. I am saying to him that while I have chosen a very different path from this, that I understand and empathize with his position.

 

With the OP, although the kids are not biologically his, he has specifically stated a desire to remain involved in their lives, and although he is getting advice from JAS and you saying, in essence, "go ahead and walk away; she doesn't want you and they're not your kids anyway..." I'm taking a different approach and saying that if he does want to remain involved, he can do so and protect himself by considering himself a father, and separating and drawing emotional boundaries around his diminishing role as spouse.

 

I base this on his original statments that he wants to remain involved. I did allow that since they're not his biological (or, I assume legal, by adoption) kids, that he's got a different position from JAS or me, in that it is more understandable if he didn't feel that unbreakable connection with them. If that were the case, I admit that it's a different situation, and I don't know exactly how I'd feel. I don't take a stand on that - I leave it to him to decide.

 

So you're seeing my comments mixed between one's I'm making to JAS about fathers with biological kids that are their own, and the OP whose kids are not.

 

In either case, my main point is that a father can stay involved - to the degree that he wants to - by continuing to be a strong, confident father, and drawing boundaries around the spousal role.

 

Whether he should stay involved to a given degree, or has a specific responsibility to stay involved to a given degree, is a valid, but separate question, and I admit that it's got a different texture between JAS and the OP.

 

But bottom line these arent his kids...

 

I'm an all in or out kinda guy. Either your married, seperated or divorced.

 

I dont have time for games, if the woman wants space to figure out who she is, then she shouldnt expect him to be there when she's ready to make a decision. It isnt fair or right by him to wait for her either.

 

Remember he raised these kids yes but what if she wants to put an end to him seeing them, legally she's the parent not him and some females be trying to take children away from their good fathers, over some dumb crap.

 

I dont think he should suffer just because she doesnt want him anymore, She's gonna try to play it off to her kids , oh look he left us like I knew he would. You guys need me. playing the victim. Not knowing she's the one who made him leave? Why break up a good family all because you want space!!!

 

THAT IS SOMETHING I WOULD BE SERIOUSLY PISSED ABOUT!!!

[Trimmer]

Look, fundamentally what I'm responding to is this:

I still want to say in contact with them and check on them while we're going through this.

Simple as that. You and JAS are telling him, essentially, "Don't do that; walk away..." and I'm telling him "You can do it if you want to."

 

I hear and understand what you are saying, but on the assumption that he wants to continue to be a father to the kids, I'm not going to advise that he change his mind and walk away.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Look, fundamentally what I'm responding to is this:

 

Simple as that. You and JAS are telling him, essentially, "Don't do that; walk away..." and I'm telling him "You can do it if you want to."

 

I hear and understand what you are saying, but on the assumption that he wants to continue to be a father to the kids, I'm not going to advise that he change his mind and walk away.

 

it's a hard decision, he's damned if he does damned if he doesnt. What i really want to point out to him is keep his distance, he doesnt want to be hurt again. Let the kids make the decision to come see you, if you want to interact with them then fine, but remember she's the bio-parent she's gonna have a greater say legally over what those two kids do. And I'm saying if that's the case then you need to keep your distance.

 

It's a hard situation. I dont see how he can physically be around them and not feel any pain from it. Overall it's a crappy situation because he built that family and invested alot of himself into it and look what happened, one crazy chick ruined everything because she needs space?? WTF?