How a man shows his love..

[KismetGirl]

They probably don't go around saying how much they love the W, but they generally introduce her (profess to others) as "my wife".

 

 

Yeah, except, "wife" is nothing but a legal title.

 

You most certainly are not in love with someone because you remain legally bound to them, now do you.

 

Men compartamentalize love in different ways, might I add. There are many who provide for their wives, protect them because they are part of the family unit (and men instinctively do like to protect the unity and continuation of that family unit that they are a part of), and yes, provide as well (though nowadays the women provide income just as much).

 

Those three mean nothing in the way of being in love with someone, not at all.

 

Wife is nothing but a word. A legal word. There are plenty of men who are madly in love with women they have been with for years and who still don't get married, often by choice of their partner to remain unmarried as well, for just that reason. Because wife does not= love. It equals "she's legally bound to half my sh*t" and considered to be family for legal purposes."

 

Words are just words....they can mean everything, they can mean nothing, and actions in just so many ways can be misleading and indirect depending on what angle you are looking at them from and who is seeing them.

 

To some a man might appear to be the doting, loving, perfect husband. To the woman who is not his wife that he is sleeping with for years, his marriage isn't as perfect as it seems to some other outsiders. Like my MM, for instance. Seriously, on the outside, his family looks like the perfect envisionment of cute family unit. I love him to death, but I wouldn't call him a good husband right now. Perhaps he COULD be a good husband, but he's been lying to his wife for four years, so to HER he certainly isn't a perfect husband. But hey, he calls her his wife, he loves her like he loves his mother , he cares for her like she is the mother of his children, he provides for his family and protects them. And then every single week, for four years, he comes and spends time with me. So....does he love his wife then? According to the "three P's" he does , doesn't he!? Me, I might have to disagree a little....

 

it's all relevant, one way or another.

[KismetGirl]

If a man keeps a woman a secret, he neither loves or respects her. He just enjoys how she makes him feel. Now it's arguable if you can equate that to love but IMO, no. She's solely an addendum, not a person to love.

 

 

Or he could be jus tlike 99% of the MM of this board and be unable to choose what to do- give up his entire way of life (kids, house, history, family friends, etc) for the unknown future with the OW, or dump the OW, who he very much could love?

 

You make it too black and white. There are some men who keep women secret because they are nothing but a piece of p**sy. And then there are other MM's like I've mentioned above, and I see plenty of them, both here and in the real world.

 

The only part of your statement I do agree with is the respect part. Certainly it is some lack of respect to both the W and OW. You can't exactly say he fully respects either, but you cant say he fully disrespects either. And in a way, that applies to the love facet as well. If he "loved and respected" either women to the extent that you seem to imply, he woudln't be cheating on his wife at all. But I dont often think they realize they are disrespecting in such a manner, because often the OW's don't really voice how much they hate being the OW. Like me....I should say something, but I don't. partially because Im not ready to end things alot of the time, and partially because I am not sure that, even if he DID leave his wife right now, Im not sure I could handle all the drama it would bring at this point in my life.

 

Nothing nothing nothing on this board is black and white and most people tend to forget that.....

[Owl]

 

Nothing nothing nothing on this board is black and white and most people tend to forget that.....

 

On the contrary...

 

It's the fact that most of the poster's who end up posting on this forum were grey thinkers to begin with that led them to this point.

 

If there had been more "black and white" thinking...there'd be far fewer affairs. Far fewer OW/OM, BS's, and MM/MW's.

 

It's when you start letting yourself see everything in shades of grey, rather than viewing things more black and white that you start letting yourself make "grey" choices.

 

If you had decided that being with a MM was "black"...and held your ground...you'd have never ended up in the situation you're in. Same thing on his side, for that matter.

 

The world IS that "black and white" for many people.

[Reggie]

No.. If they would have a choice they would simply replace the W with the OW and keep everything else intact.. (no doubt about that in MOST cases).

 

No choice? Lobotomized? Abducted by aliens and had their brains jelled? Power droids, perhaps?

You need to upgrade, Liz.:bunny:

[Trialbyfire]

On the contrary...

 

It's the fact that most of the poster's who end up posting on this forum were grey thinkers to begin with that led them to this point.

 

If there had been more "black and white" thinking...there'd be far fewer affairs. Far fewer OW/OM, BS's, and MM/MW's.

 

It's when you start letting yourself see everything in shades of grey, rather than viewing things more black and white that you start letting yourself make "grey" choices.

 

If you had decided that being with a MM was "black"...and held your ground...you'd have never ended up in the situation you're in. Same thing on his side, for that matter.

 

The world IS that "black and white" for many people.

To add to that, grey thinking or black and white thinking aren't all-encompassing. There are things you can be black and white in and others grey. In a matter of ethics, morals and honour, perhaps more black and white thinking would prevent more vows from being dishonoured...nay...shattered.

[MsPrada]

My MM provided, protected, but only professed his love for me to my alone in private...but he did all of the above for his W openly..i think it was purely infactuation..which can definitely give that "love" feeling.

[pkn06002]

This just shows which side of the OW/BS coin you live on.

 

Most BS's would of course completely disagree with this statement (including me, of course).

 

But I can see why you'd insist on believing this...it's got to make it easier for you on a day to day basis.

 

She is not all that far off (From a WS point of view)

[pkn06002]

On the contrary...

 

It's the fact that most of the poster's who end up posting on this forum were grey thinkers to begin with that led them to this point.

 

If there had been more "black and white" thinking...there'd be far fewer affairs. Far fewer OW/OM, BS's, and MM/MW's.

 

It's when you start letting yourself see everything in shades of grey, rather than viewing things more black and white that you start letting yourself make "grey" choices.

 

If you had decided that being with a MM was "black"...and held your ground...you'd have never ended up in the situation you're in. Same thing on his side, for that matter.

 

The world IS that "black and white" for many people.

 

If emotions were just so logical and simple we would all think black and white. That to me is just to simplistic of a way to look a life all the time.

 

Religion enforces the concept you have above (well most major ones do). So might as well say if we were all more religious.

[Awesome84]

Steve Harvey is always talking about relational stuff as if he knows what he's talking about. LOL. He is not an expert unless you are talking about the typically dysfunctional males that he represents.

 

 

I agree with this. Who the hell told Steve Harvey that he was an expert on relationships???

[jj33]

Id have to agree with Lizzie many men would jump in a nanosecond but for the chaos of the divorce and the loss financially, and otherwise. Many are there (like pkn and others) for reasons other than the love for their wives and do their best to make their marriage and home a happy place to be even if their hearts are elsewhere.

 

I think women are more apt to leave when they feel that the relationship as between the spouses is over.

 

An affair is a half way house and yes Owl its grey thinking but not everyone thinks in black and white. If they did, some of the greatest discoveries and the great art would never have come into existence. Thinking outside the box is a trait and not always a bad one.

 

As a BS untenable and if I were cheated on I would be bereft and agree that in a marital context grey thinking is unacceptable. But in a purely theoretical context it makes sense.

 

The problem is life isnt all black and white for most people. Its scary to think about the grey areas. I can see how it can be threatening within a marriage and thats why marriages need to be nurtured so that the grey areas dont seep in and one partner doesnt see the grey but feels black and white about the fact that they would never want to cheat.

 

Its also a moral thing in some ways. But I suspect that when you get into a situation like PKNs your moral boundaries change because you find youself in a situation that has seems to have no good answers.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah, except, "wife" is nothing but a legal title.

 

You most certainly are not in love with someone because you remain legally bound to them, now do you.

 

Men compartamentalize love in different ways, might I add. There are many who provide for their wives, protect them because they are part of the family unit (and men instinctively do like to protect the unity and continuation of that family unit that they are a part of), and yes, provide as well (though nowadays the women provide income just as much).

 

Those three mean nothing in the way of being in love with someone, not at all.

 

Wife is nothing but a word. A legal word. There are plenty of men who are madly in love with women they have been with for years and who still don't get married, often by choice of their partner to remain unmarried as well, for just that reason. Because wife does not= love. It equals "she's legally bound to half my sh*t" and considered to be family for legal purposes."

 

Words are just words....they can mean everything, they can mean nothing, and actions in just so many ways can be misleading and indirect depending on what angle you are looking at them from and who is seeing them.

 

To some a man might appear to be the doting, loving, perfect husband. To the woman who is not his wife that he is sleeping with for years, his marriage isn't as perfect as it seems to some other outsiders. Like my MM, for instance. Seriously, on the outside, his family looks like the perfect envisionment of cute family unit. I love him to death, but I wouldn't call him a good husband right now. Perhaps he COULD be a good husband, but he's been lying to his wife for four years, so to HER he certainly isn't a perfect husband. But hey, he calls her his wife, he loves her like he loves his mother , he cares for her like she is the mother of his children, he provides for his family and protects them. And then every single week, for four years, he comes and spends time with me. So....does he love his wife then? According to the "three P's" he does , doesn't he!? Me, I might have to disagree a little....

 

it's all relevant, one way or another.

 

 

This only works if you don't live by certain standards. Yes, there a LOT of people out there who see the words wife/husband as legal terms, nothing more. Because of the type of love portrayed in western culture. Romantic love is the way westerners portray marriage. It is less about the marriage covenant and more about than the made up interpretation of what marriage is.

 

But for all those people who feel that way, there are as many who believe the in covenant. The covenant between a husband and wife. It isn't necessarily about the words, but the words do mean something more than legalities. Certainly if one(or both) of those partners is cheating, the covenant means nothing to them.

 

Consider for a second, that only one partner is cheating, that means the other is respecting the covenant. The view themselves as the wife/husband. It isn't a word, it is a bond. Good or bad, twisted or stable, it is a bond. It isn't just the word, but how each, not one, feels about the word.

 

My marriage wasn't good for a long time, but did that stop me from being his wife, because I was unhappy. Not in my heart. Did it stop me from calling him my husband, nope. He was the father of my children. I had seen him through surgeries, illnesses, promotions, death of family members, financial hardships, job stress, sibling issues and raising children. That made me his wife according to the marriage covenant I promised to honor. NO matter what he or the ow said and thought, it doesn't change the fact that I was more than legally married. And words hold the power of life and death, of people, of emotions or spirits. That's why they should always be used wisely.

[datura_noir]

But, I know how my man shows his...By supporting me and sticking up for me, even when we disagree. We are different in so many ways, and yet we can still be each others rock.I am a BS, and my husband betrayed me-it hurt, very very much. He told the OW he 'loved' her, theytalked of a future- but in the end, he recanted those words, he knew it wasn't real.

After that......

 

He showed me love by closing that door with her very shortly after d-day, and keeping it shut. Yes, he greived the loss and also that of his longtime male friend (the OW's brother), and that was to be expected. He invested time and love and jewelry:love: in me, but also fixed me coffee in the morning, helped me wash the dishes after a days work, and talked with me about stuff that I knew was of no interest to him, but he because he loves me, he made the effort.

 

In the months that followed, he showed me love like I had never known. And I feel that everything that happened was meant to happen in the scheme of things.

 

So to answer the ??? My man shows his love in every thing he does-and he gets everything in return...

[jj33]

Who is Steve Harvey and why do we care what he thinks?

[KismetGirl]

Who is Steve Harvey and why do we care what he thinks?

 

He's a comedian. Not a very funny one , at that, which is probably why this info falls short of being remotely legitimate. Im sure it was part of a stand up routine.

 

We dont care what he thinks, but the OP seemed to want to know if people really think that if a man does those things it means he loves you.

 

And I think, words are words, actions are actions, and neither one means the same to two people.

[complicatedlife]

Who is Steve Harvey and why do we care what he thinks?

 

He's a 1. comedien: (who was also a part of The Kings of Comedy with the now deceased Bernie Mac), 2. an actor who had his own show for several seasons, and now a 3. radio personality and born-again christian.

 

He wrote, "Act like a lady, think like a man" because on his NYC morning show, a heck of a lot of women ask him for advice, so he decided to write the above book which was featured on Oprah Winfrey about 2 weeks ago - there was such a good response that Oprah had him come back this past Monday to answer questions from the women in the audience and throughout the country via Skype. Not too big on Oprah, but sometimes her shows are worth watching.

 

I read his book...while I personally found some things are simply about common sense (men want love, support/loyalty, and the "cookie" lol) and some other things to be old fashioned thinking (like the 90 day sex rule), there were some good things one could take away from it, such as women not having standards anymore, and the funny example he gave on how men are about fixing a problem instead of dwelling on it but women like to vent about a problem first. Interestingly, my dad agrees with everything he says, while the men I asked in my own age group that I am friends with and work with (ones who listen to his radio show and have either read his book or have some knowledge of what's in it) have a variety of opinions.

 

He goes into a lot of detail about professing, protecting, and providing - I think I'd be hard pressed to find a man that did NOT agree with at least half of what he wrote about all three.

 

But, then again, I am not a guy, so who knows?

[Reggie]

Shows the woman he loves what? His power tools?

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm... I'm not so sure about those three "P's".

 

I believe at least im my case that it's more like two things.

 

First: a man is compelled to be honest with his SO. Knowing this the man won't be doing many stupid things (like cheating) because he's an open book.

 

Second: When a man feels the need to do all he can to enhance his SO's life. Because he is compelled to by his love for her.

 

BTW that's what I hope to find in a woman before I croak.

[RecordProducer]

I think this is an amazing statement (especially the highlighted portions)!

Thank you.

 

Another couple of points that I think are interesting is that a) it seems to be assumed that a MM can only possibly love one of his women,

You know, I kinda do believe that any person can only be in love with one person. Sometimes certain feelings look like love, but they are not. It's probably easy to get confused in such situations. Maybe I am viewing love as a black-or-white thing too much. In my mind and heart, I can only be in love with one person. I could probably be in love with two men in a period of transition, but if I would fall in love with the newer guy, I'd be over the previous one, forever. I suppose having a spouse and a lover on the side feels like transition between two emotional needs. Cheaters must love their spouses in a different way than they love their lovers. I don't think they would look for the same thing elsewhere. Of course, I am talking about cheaters who have steady lovers on the side, not those who just sleep with anyone.

 

I still believe that if a man is romantic (maybe a little naive too) enough and if he's madly in love with the OW, and if he is totally not in love with his wife anymore, he would leave the wife for the OW. I just don't think that NOT leaving the wife for the OW automatically means that he doesn't care about her. Many men are selfish and want to have it all - including the OW that they love.

 

b) it's also assumed that, in being married, he can't be with his OW (the statement "if he loved his OW he'd leave his W to be with her" is strange to me when you consider that he IS with her... and often she's not asking him to make that choice)

This is true. But sometimes, they don't leave the wives even after the OW dumps them.

 

When, ultimately, if he really loved and respected his wife (because he provides, protects, and professes) he wouldn't be in an affair behind her back.

You know, if a man loves his wife dearly, but she rejects sex with him, shows more interest in shopping than in him, criticizes him constantly, etc., he may look for validation elsewhere. I've never been the OW, but I have looked for an affair when my husband repeatedly threatened me with divorce. I didn't find anyone until a year after he told me we were unofficially separated (we lived in the same house). He knew I was dating other guys and I never hid anything from him. Finally, as soon as I slept with the OM , he suddenly became jealous and decided he was very much in love with me. During this time, I always loved my husband, I never cared about the OM.

 

So, we tried to resurrect the marriage, but the same old problems re-surfaced and a month later, I was out of the house. The husband asked me to leave. He'd been asking me to leave for two years. I finally left and am happy on my own. Now HE misses me and has a problem with our separation. My point was that you can still love your spouse very much while in an affair. My situation was different because my husband told me we were done and I was free to look for a new man, and I didn't do anything behind his back. But in many marriages, people are not threatened with divorce, they just have awful problems, and they don't have the courage to have affairs right in front of their spouses' eyes.

 

Actually, I wanted to find someone to show my husband how far he pushed me and that I took his "we're done" statements very seriously. People should have responsibility for their actions and words. He didn't think I'd do it because we were still married. Since he didn't have respect for our marriage, I wanted him to see that I didn't either. He didn't just tell me we were done, he asked me to pay him rent for living in his house the moment he decided to divorce me (which of course I didn't pay). I am alone in this country with two children and no job. He was going out by himself and there were other things, as well. Urgh.. I am so glad I am out of that marriage.

[RecordProducer]

A man shows a woman he loves them by showing them the three P's according to Steve Harvey..

 

He professes, provides, and protects his W..

So you're saying that the MM who is cheating on his wife, according to Harvey, shows love and loves his wife. Is that what you're saying?

 

I guess Steve Harvey forgot to include the 4th P:

 

#4. Put your penis only in your wife's vagina!

[RecordProducer]

Interestingly, my dad agrees with everything he says, while the men I asked in my own age group that I am friends with and work with (ones who listen to his radio show and have either read his book or have some knowledge of what's in it) have a variety of opinions.

Because your dad is honest with himself (and you). After a lot of life experience, he doesn't have to idealize life, he doesn't have to pretend that he wants something that he doesn't or that he can have something that's unrealistic. I'd say listen to your dad. From now on.

[OWoman]

it's also assumed that, in being married, he can't be with his OW (the statement "if he loved his OW he'd leave his W to be with her" is strange to me when you consider that he IS with her... and often she's not asking him to make that choice)

 

Yes - I was in that position in my As previous to the last one. In fact, they were under strict warning that dumping the W would lead to the end of the A - and it did.

 

This is true. But sometimes, they don't leave the wives even after the OW dumps them.

 

But sometimes they do. Sometimes the A shows up so vividly what's missing from the M that the M becomes unsustainable without the A there to augment it.

 

Hmmm... I'm not so sure about those three "P's".

 

Agree. I've had guys do those "three P" things for me while acting in other ways I'd consider far from loving (proprietorial, condescending or otherwise disrespectful).

 

I believe at least im my case that it's more like two things.

 

First: a man is compelled to be honest with his SO. Knowing this the man won't be doing many stupid things (like cheating) because he's an open book.

 

Second: When a man feels the need to do all he can to enhance his SO's life. Because he is compelled to by his love for her.

 

Absolutely - this is far more based on an underlying foundation of respect rather than the "ownership" model suggested by the "three Ps". I'm with you on this one, LsD!!

[bentnotbroken]

So you're saying that the MM who is cheating on his wife, according to Harvey, shows love and loves his wife. Is that what you're saying?

 

I guess Steve Harvey forgot to include the 4th P:

 

#4. Put your penis only in your wife's vagina!

 

 

:laugh:Which Steve H. didn't follow himself. :laugh:

[angie2443]

You mean Steve Harvey, the comedian/radio guy who wrote that book about women acting like ladies but thinking like men (can't think of the title)?

 

I'm sure he's smart and experienced, but I doubt he's any more an expert on love than any one here on LS.

[NoIDidn't]

:laugh:Which Steve H. didn't follow himself. :laugh:

 

Xactly!

 

Expert, my patootie!

[complicatedlife]

Because your dad is honest with himself (and you). After a lot of life experience, he doesn't have to idealize life, he doesn't have to pretend that he wants something that he doesn't or that he can have something that's unrealistic. I'd say listen to your dad. From now on.

 

RP:

Do you think that the baby boomers have a better concept of relationships?