I need some opinions, am I messed up.

[JustDunno]

Hello Evereyone, I really need a different opinion on this issue.

 

My GF and I have been together for about two years. Its always been kind of different as we would only see each other on weekends and even at that, during the day on the weekends, she would usually go do her own thing. I also would see her on Tuesday nights after work. After a while through talking and good communication, I discovered that this relationship was not moving forward on her part at all. She told me it was because of some issues I had that needed being taken care of before she would. To name a few, I wasnt legally divorsed from my ex-wife. That I can understand. There was issues of me not making enough money. Not the amount but what I had left after paying bills etc. She once told me that what I was making for a living, wasnt going to cut it with her. She would then brag about this guys money or this guys money. It lead to arguments. Other issues were she wouldnt answer the phone when I was there as she said it was never for her anyway. She would just sit there and not pick it up, hum. She has a cell but sometimes if I would call her, it would be off or she wouldnt answer it for 2-3 hours at a time.

 

She was always honest about her past and maybe a little to honest as I used her past actions to the present at the time. Issues with other men would always come up. She would tell me a story about a paticular guy but would leave out an important part and without it answered, made her story not credible. Im a logic kind of guy so I would just ask a question during the story telling and she didnt have an answer to an important part. Her reply would be like "I dont know" or "I cant remember" when clearly anyone would know who was involved with it.

 

She works within a male dominated industry. She is in constant contact with many many men. She has an ex that lives 5 minutes of her who she remained to be friends with. I zipped my mouth and didnt say anything really about her and her ex's friendship. She has 2 or so friends on her MSN who were at one point very close to her which I didnt say much about. After all, trust trust trust. Her ex that lived 5 min away was still in steady contact with her. She said the only reason she left him was these was no intimasy between them. They continued to gift gifts to each other on x-mas, b-days etc. Last Valentines day he sent her a dozen roses. She was honest and didnt hide them which was good but still the fact he sent them bother me. I guess she told him how I felt and he said basically, "so what" what I thought. I asked her what she then said and she told me she didnt say anything. Shouldnt she have said that she didnt think it was right also?

 

Within the first year if something needed to be done around the house, she would have him come over and do it for her. Some were small events but I felt represented bigger issues. Her gate broke for instance. I told her I would come over and fix it for her. I asked when and she said this week some time. The next day I asked if she got the material as she is veryyy independent and to get anyone to do anything for her is a big deal. On the third day I landed up going there and the gate was fixed. She said, oh FLN (we will call him) fixed it already. That was a big blow to my ego in itself. This happened a few times with different things. One other that comes to mind was that she hated her neibours parking right in front of her house. It just bugged her badly. She actually got FLN to bring over his spare truck and park it in front of her house. It bugs the crap out of me as everytime I went there, I got to see his face parked in front of her house. To this day that truck is still there without a care how it makes me feel. I tried to swutch it saying, what if I had my ex come over etc etc but she couldnt see it as it wasnt happening with me.

 

She said that because I didnt just be thankful of her telling me the truth about things like her stories, I shouldnt question them even if they didnt make sence and I should be thankful she even told me to begin with. Sometimes it would be about a guy at work or this guy or that guy. One msn guy she had as a friend would and still does talk to her sexually. I would say, "why let him"? She waould say she would just steer the conversation away from it and it was no big deal.

 

Im starting to rable but these types of things happened all the time. Somehow these stories and issues would come up and I would try to explain what I thought of them and by doing this, she said I was bashing her on them.

 

Ill speed up to this last May long weekend. We had an agurment while we were both at work via email. My car just happen to break down that day so I didnt even have transportation.

 

Anyway, on sat we talked a bit and then argued about FLN always being in my face along with EG and others. We didnt land up seeing each other that night. On Sunday, since she lives in the next town kind of, she said she was taking off as she had things to do but would call me later and maybe she would come into town so we could talk. I had a bad gutt feeling and thought I had to get out there to check things out. I know I know trust but this feeling was over welming. I caught a cab out there and walked around the corner and his car was in front. That in itself was heart dropping as she first lied about going out to do stuff but also for the fact, the night before FLN came into our conversation and how sick I am to have him in my face all the time. My heart dropped as I didnt know what to expect as I walked up to the house. I walked in and from the downstairs he came up and just then she came from upstairs. They were working on the house together. I know catching them in bed is farrr worse but this was a big hit to me. I asked to talk to her outside in private so she came out. I asked how she could do that. We said words and pissed right off, I told her that we were through. I went home and sent her an email she said really hurt her bad.

 

We argued for a few days but by that Thursday, we got together and had a very nice time stopping all aguring and just enjoyed each others company.

On Friday we talked on the phone and I lost it I guess. I was screaming still very hurt by the whole thing. I never told her that it was me or him but I did say what was going to happen to the relationship if she kept it up. Sat wasnt to bad but on Sunday when I went home, she said she would call me a bit later. She didnt call. By about 10 pm I got sick of it and went out there. It was wrong but I waited for her and by about 11 or 12 she comes home. She said she was at his place helping him do something. For like 6 hours I said? I left mad again. The next Friday we got together after a week of fighting and hoped we could start to talk and somehow rebuild this. Friday was great. On Sat afternoon she said she was headed home and we would possibly get together later. The rest of the day, I never heard from her. By 9ish I took my daughter over to my Moms as she wanted to stay there for the night which left me free. I came home and still nothing from her. I decided again to go out there and yes it might have been wrong but I was right. I knew where about he lives so I looked and found it. Her truck was there. I parked down the street and watched. Yes I know again it was wrong but I did it anyway at the time. She landed up leaving there about 2 am. All this time she didnt even call or anything. I went home and the next day she didnt call.I landed up going out there later in the afternoon acting like I knew nothing. As time went I asked her how her night was. She said she went to a pub for wings and a couple of drinks and then back home and in bed by midnight. I shook my head and told her exactly what I knew. I also seen that she might have kissed him but it was to dark for me to see at that distance. I asked and she said yes but just a peck for a nice evening as friends. Well I got mad and there we went again. The next Friday we got together and sat she would disapear with him. This went on wek after week for 4 months. Besides that she had him over for her b-day with her parents and said she only invited him cause he is close to her daughter who has the same b-day as herself. Plus since that one day in May, she said we werent a couple anymore. She blames me and yes there has been times of rage almost, by me. She says her actions are are a result of my reactions and they are just as bad. You think?

 

During this time she all of a sudden had a wedding to go to from where she grew up. i thought it would be a good time to spend some time with each other only but she said no. Maybe she had to get away which is understandable. The kicker is she has another ex that lives around there and when her and FLN were about to break up she went there to get away and hung with this ex all weekend finally sleeping with him. She said I was being paranoid. How could I not be? She says she keeps going back cause she can do what she wants to do and no one is gonna stop her. I have been trying to explain that yes she can do whatever she wants but in a relationship, there are certain boundries and hanging like she does with FLN is wrong while in a relationship. One other incident is that there is a woman who she works with who likes the men. She is sleeping with one and one day he tells this woman that there is another guy in the shop that wants to sleep with my girlfriend. It made hewr curious who it was which I guess is understandable but she never did say to her friend to tell him, thanks but no thanks. She then said out of the blue a month later, he sends her map of his house and his phone number. Would anyone do that if the woman they liked showed no interest for a month? She had it in her truck while I was out of it and showed me through the window but not showing me exactly where it was. she said I might go out there and cause trouble. I said why would I unless you were there maybe? The last week and a half things were starting to get better but then I asked if anything more happened with this new guy,. meaning if he contacted her etc. She said yes but wouldnt tell me as I would get mad. I waited a few days and asked again and she walked away mad. Still not telling me anything another fight appeared. During this fight she said she was going to do something different this weekend. She said "since Im getting blamed for it I might as well do it. On Friday I told her I loved her and didnt want to lose her. She said she was going to go have dinner with her parents and maybe talk to me later. I was at home and had to go to the store when she called asking where I was. I said going to the store. She asked if I wa stalking her and following her??I said what???? She was saying her heart was beating and she just doesnt want me to make a scene like that sunday in may when FLN was there. I asked "why would I"? Its your parents I said. She said well you werent invited. I said "so whats new?" From that conversation I knew probably FLN was going over there for the dinner to. I wasnt going to check but I had to so I knew for sure. I did drive by and kept on going only to learn I was right. She did have FLN over with her parents for thanks giving dinner. Yes its this weekend in Canada.

 

I went home and sent an email saying simply; I hope you can live with the consequences of your decisions. You will be in my thoughts and heart

 

 

Today is sent one blaming me for following her home. She also said she was going to do something different tonight. I know I must stay away and not talk to her cause there is no way for this relationship. Any thoughts?

[Goatsbreath]

OK- I understand your plight. I have been there- I have been with the liar, the cheater, and the one who harbors no blame. You need to escape quickly. She is treating you like the old beat up truck she had her X boyfriend park in her driveway. She keeps you around because you serve a purpose but it is none having to do with love. You already have all your answers, no one here is going to tell you to sort through all that mess and maybe things can be better. Its over, it has to be, shes bad news and cares nothing of your feelings. Sure, you might be able to hang out with her for a few hours and make a conscious effort not to bring up all the **** shes done to you but you can't live a lifetime that way. Stop torturing yourself. Next time you jump in your car and decide to go check on her .........STOP! Do yourself a favor and don't give her the satisfaction. I know its hard but you have to let it go. Next time you get in the car, remember....people are telling you not to do it. Dont do it for all of us. This can go two ways

 

1) One, it can end with you shuffling around her feet, uncovering all her lies- saying look, you hurt me again. Then you drive off down the road saying its over but then 3 days down the line your looking for another reason to have it be over. Like all this **** isn't enough already- trust me- it is....its enough! But-you can keep shoveling it in her face and you can keep getting stepped on but this only leads to more pain and hurt for you and it becomes easier for her because she starts to hate you.

 

2) Stop calling, stop talking, stop all communication is what I would like to see you do. Dont let her hurt you again. There's alot of people out there that dont even have to be that good to be better then her. Keep some of your dignity and let it be. Atleast this way- she realizes that you were strong enough to just say enough of your **** and you walked out of her life.

 

Anyway, thats just my thoughts. Your going to do what your going to do and your screwed up jealous head will somehow rationalize things but just remember

 

DONT DO IT

[Clancy]

Just Dunno, you would be completely out of your mind to take even a second's more mistreatment from this women. What you have accepted thus far shows that you have very little self respect and that you are letting yourself play the role of victim. I'm astounded by the number of times you've let this woman treat you like a doormat. If you have any repect for yourself at all write this colossal bitch off forever.

[JustDunno]

Thanks for your opinions. There is so many other events not even mentioned though not as serious as actually catching her but ya never know, ya know? I have never had better sex in my life then with her. She is very attractive and has the most perfect body to me and I'm sure to many others. Because our sex was so awesome, I really think that is all she wanted from me and wasn't doing it else ware. Who knows, maybe I'm a fool on that point to.

 

On the same token, Instead of walking away, I got frustrated and let myself take it and get hurt over and over and then blow up in two or three big rages and a number of smaller ones. I called her every name in the book which was also not cool at all. She says my reactions were just as bad as the **** she was doing. Plus every time I got mad, she would do it the next weekend as some kind of punishment for getting mad the previous weekend.

 

She says I broke her privacy on 3 occasions that she is holding over me. Once we were going to look at a disc she had with a bunch of pictures on it. I knew what disc it was and while she ran out of her house for just a few minutes, I sat there and thought Id get the disc and start it up and take a look. I knew she would be back in a min which she was and I didn't hide it which I would of if I was just snooping.

Another was one of the first times she was at FLN's house. My mind wasn't right so when I went there I sat and it started to burn what could of been happening in his house. Even if it wasn't sex, it was the fact she was in there. She wouldn't answer her phone. I pulled up on the street and because the car I was driving didn't have a horn, I rev ed the motor a couple of times and had some sense not to go on his property but remembered his number was on the side of her fridge. I drove back there and went in and it wasn't there. I walked out which the entire event took 5 seconds. he still had rights to go into her place without asking her I thought 2 years I must have some rights to but no according to her. I guess her 16 year old daughter was sleeping and felt besides being wrong, it was worse with her in the house. Most couples are living together by two years but yes it is her house so I probably am wrong for doing that.

The third was when I went into her msn email account. She set something up for me using her account a while before this incident and told me the password to. It was one of our fights and so I went in to retrieve this information while I could and her on line friend sent her an email with an attachment with it. I sat and sat thinking what to do. This is the one that still tries or does talk sexually to her. After debating it with myself, I looked and it was a pic of this guy standing nakid. Ewwww. At that point I wanted to just close it but I knew he had pictures of her from the past and my curiosity took over and did the unthinkable and wrong thing. I sent him an email as her and asked him to send all the picture's he has that she/I at the time, sent him. He did and there were certain things she said the whole time never happened, actually happened. It was all in the past what I saw but she didn't have to lie about it. Well that move really pissed her off and now I am a privacy violator.

 

I'm telling these things that I am guilty for as the people she talks to, mostly FLN and her on line buddies and I'm sure some at work say she should dump my ass and are worried for her. I'm thinking HUH??? Her dump my ass??

 

She thinks I have stolen jewelry from her, she believes FLN saying I screamed that I was going to k**l her. I have never said that in my life in mean or threating context. I called her names but not threatened her. I even tried to point it out logically that I didn't but that didn't matter I don't think. He said to her that first day in May that I almost pushed him down the stairs. When he came up she was on the next level even and saw I didn't do that. he says this and that and she believes most of it. One day he told her I was parked outside his house but in fact I was with her so she knew he was bull****ting. He wants her back so he is bull****ting to her and she believes it. Its so frustrating.

 

So according to her I'm mentally abusing, I'm this and that.

Why would she tell me she loves me and keep this going? It can't be just for sex can it? I JustDunno.

 

I was thinking to tell her about this sight and asking if she would like to respond as there is 2 sides to every story. Maybe I did this myself and if I did, I want to be sure so I can correct it and hopefully it wont happen the next time I fall in love. What do you think?

[JustDunno]

Oh I forgot to say that it has nothing to do with havingvery little self respect and that I am letting myself play the role of victim. This might sound totally crazy but at one time I dont think she was like this. I believe this from other stories about times she was hurt and I believe that person is still there somewhere. There is times when she is the nicest and sweetest person yet there is the other one to. I guess I believed she would come to be that nice person I love all the time. I guess I was wrong.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Some people just dont know how to let go.

[Goatsbreath]

You can slice the pie any way you like but its still the same old pie

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

What kind of pie would that be?????

AND

Would it be fresh or near out-dated??

[JustDunno]

Am I that blind?

[Goatsbreath]

You say she has perfect body, great sex, ect. ect. ect......is it possible you are just in love with this part of her and not the actual person. I mean, when you think what you miss most about her do you think of sex. It's unlikely that you really miss the person behind all the lies and crap she has made you suffer through. And yes- good sex can cause some type of temporary blindness I think. Im sure I have heard of that before.

 

I think its cherry pie VASH and it always seem fresh and new when its passed among new faces.

[amerikajin]

I couldn't finish reading what you wrote - it was just way too long.

 

Your bottom line is that you're acting like a weakling and she's a predator. She senses that you're weak. She's like a shark that smells blood in the water. She's going to chew up every bit of self esteem you've got. She's a real "Queen Bee", with all of these men she has doing things for her. You're just sitting there like a spectator at her gameshow, watching and cheering as she plays you and everyone else.

 

Come on, man! You need to move on and get far away from her. After you do, get some self respect. You're better than that. You'll never find a woman worth having otherwise.

[JustDunno]

Well I have taken a couple of days to think about if in fact it's just the sex etc etc etc.

It's not just the sex as good as it is. All I have been thinking about is her voice, our talks we had, her touch, her laugh, all of the sweet things about her I love. I haven't even thought of the sex actually.

 

I know that this can not continue as I have tried and tried and still she has the same attitude. I just don't understand why. She thinks I'm controlling yet the issues she says I am controlling over are just normal things that couples just don't do.

 

I am trying to move on, just not sure how I'm going to do it.

 

I do want to thank all of you for your opinions and thoughts.