EX keeps calling! What does she want? What do I say or do?

[sean001]

We broke up a little over a month ago for a bunch of different reasons I don't feel like going into--but mostly she wanted to move to the next level and she didn't think I was there.

 

She did the breakup perfectly by starting to see someone right away. About 3 weeks ago she agreed to "try it again" and after a week, stopped calling and told me "I can't see you" (turns out she was still dating this guy, who she said has "potential"). During our brief re-try, I did all I could, flowers, poems, being there, etc.

 

About one week ago we saw each other and I asked what she wanted from me -- leave her alone, be her friend, etc. She had no answer (but lots of tears). She did say she was completely shocked by my reaction to her leaving -- that she thought I would have just let her go without any problems. I then sent her a beautiful goodbye letter, told her I would always be willing to try again, and left it alone. She wrote me a little message acknowledging the letter, but not making any reference to anything in it.

 

Since then she has continued to call, write emails, send IMs, but they have been purely "friendly"... no substance nor clue that she needs to talk or anything. I answered her call one day and all she did was talk about traffic. I stopped replying to her emails and calling her.

 

Yesterday she sent me an email asking if "I'm alive" and gave me a call (I didn't take it but she left a message just blabbing on about nothing). I didn't call or write back.

 

When I got home from work today there was an IM saying that she "guesses I have decided to get away her from her" and she "hopes I'm well."

 

I called her after that and for 5 minutes we talked BS, she hung up and said "I'll call you later."

 

I've begun to act as if this is over (about time, right?), and I'm very close to fully letting go. I've gotten TONS of advice on what "strategy" to do, and I'd like some opinions on the following:

 

Why is she still keeping in touch? Is she trying to send me subtle messages about anything? I honestly don't believe she knows what she wants.

 

Do I bring up anything of "substance" when we call?

 

Do I invite her out to dinner or otherwise ask to see her?

 

Do I ignore her?

 

Do I respond to her question about "getting away"?

 

Do I take a strategy talked about on some other sites of playing aloof, being happy, telling her she did the right thing, etc.?

 

No matter what, I'm going to keep moving, but I wanted to get the forum's thoughts.

[wiseluv34]

sean, how do you feel a/b your ex? do u still care for her as a lover or just a friend?

i think u should focus on your feelings, and when she contacts you again, just ask her what kind of a relationship do you 2 have?

and if she say she just like you as a friend, then go from there. just be her friend, b/c we have to be friends to move to the next level. ok? just be patient with her, b/c to me....it sounds like she isn't sure about her feelings for you. she's confused,.... and what happened to the other guy that she was seeing?

holla back!

P.S. IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT U CAN JUST BE HER FRIEND, THEN IT'S BEST TO TELL HER THAT SHE HURT YOU, AND THAT U NEED FOR HER TO MOVE ON FROM YOU, B/C THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR HER. I MEAN, SHE WAS SEEING ANOTER GUY ON YOU, AND SHE WASN'T BE TRUTHFUL. I THINK U DESERVE BETTER, IF U ASK ME (WHICH U DIDN'T).

[sean001]

hi wiseluv,

 

always a pleasure to hear from you. I still care deeply about her, but I'm done with the constant expression of my emotions and getting no response from her. It only builds up unrealistic expectations and causes hurt.

 

I'm willing to be her "friend" so to speak, but at this point there has been no discussion at all about "us." My guess is that she is still seeing this other guy, but I haven't bothered to ask. Actually, I haven't asked her anything of substance, because I did that for a month and got no answers.

 

I'm continuing to let go, and she obviously noticed this week. I used to constantly respond right away to her messages and calls. I'm done with that. She had too much power over my emotions.

 

I would absolutely love to have another chance with her, but I'm no longer willing to put "all" into this situation, since she has rejected my every advance.

 

Again, all I really want are some opinions on the questions of what I should do with her calling and emailing and what "approach" to take with her. At some point, I'm sure we'll have to sit down and talk again. But I initiated all those conversations for the last month and am not doing it anymore unless she asks.

 

What do you think about throwing out the ultimatum of "don't call unless you're ready to talk about where we go from here."?

[wiseluv34]

hi sean, and it's always good to hear from you, too. i wondered what happened in your situation..i'm glad i found your new column!

ok, as for your planned "ultimatum", i think you should go for it! u know, we don't like ultimatums, but sometimes it's just what we need to do..to get answers.

you're being smart, by guarding your feelings from her, b/c i think she's totally confused.

also, since you DO still care a/b this lady, i think maybe you should ask her...if she's seeing anyone? and if she say's yes, that's she's seeing someone, then you can just move on from her...and demand that she doesn't contact u again. b/c you have to do just what you've been doing....PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS.

obviously, she don't want to lose you...but if she isn't willing to sacrifice some things (like her new man, and her being rude towards you), then u should just block her calls/emails, if she insists on continuing to bother you.

i bet she do still have a man, b/c she's not discussing him with you.

maybe your intimate part of the relationship was good with her? do u think that's the reason that she can't let go of you?

b/c if she's moved on with her life, with someone else, then she need to let u move on with your life, too.

yes, do the ultimatum thing...just to see what she says, and see what happens.

if she continue to not discuss getting back with you, then i think you should just date a new girl, just to get rid of her (she's being selfish, b/c she already have a man...but still she want to hold u back from finding your own happiness, with someone new). REMEMBER, TRUE LOVE IS ABOUT SACRIFICING..

pls keep me posted! let me know how it turns out

[Nourhan]

I agree with everything that Wise has written except the part about dating another JUST to get rid of and forget his ex. That wouldn't be fair to that new girl now woud it??!! Being single is not so bad, you shouldn't rush into a relationship for the wrong reasons.

[sean001]

I did the ultimatum tonight. She called me again and when I called her back, I told her that I "agreed with her decision" and that she is doing the right thing by leaving me and I'm moving on.

 

Her reaction is not what I expected. She started crying, so I immediately went over to her place to comfort her. I held her, but told her that since she had completely shut me out of her life by not wanting to see me, being with some other man, that her actions told me her choice about this situation and that I supported her decision.

 

All she did was cry.

 

So I held her for a while longer, told her that I wished things could work between us, that I missed her, but that I was no longer going to wait around and be led on a string. I reiterated my feelings for her, but said that I don't want to hear from her until she figures out what is going on inside of her. I'm not going to engage in light small talk with all these feelings involved.

 

So I left and told her I'm moving on. I know this girl still cares deeply about me, but I also care deeply about myself and my own emotional well-being.

 

I personally think there is something wrong with her emotionally and perhaps this may not be the girl for me anyway. If she does come back, there will definitely be some things to discuss before we go further.

 

But for now, I am happy with my decision. I tried to listen and asked her what she wanted me to do -- but again, she had no answers on anything.

 

It's out of my hands now.

[kclay21]

Sean...

I just wanted to pop in, and tell you that I am proud of you, man. Way to go! I hope you find some peace now that you have wrested control back. I also hope things work out for you in the long run...

 

Keep in there, dude.

 

 

kclay

[wiseluv34]

sean, you did the right thing! to protect your own heart. but as for your ex, i really do pity her now. i don't understand why she's crying to you, instead of telling you what's really UP with her feelings? she sounds screwed

maybe, after she's had time to think and reflect on her true feelings, then maybe she'll come around....if it isn't too late for her! i've learned that men want women to be open and secure about their feelings. VICE VERSA..

you've done good, sean. you did all you could do, to save this relationship, so now you can freely move on. good luck!

holla

[sean001]

Thanks wiseluv, I wish things had worked out differently and wish I had more strength and patience to "wait it out" until she came around (if ever). But the bottom line is that my feelings are too strong and I've been in pain over this situation for more than a month. It's not supposed to be like this.

 

Part of me wonders if I did the right thing by saying "don't call me until you figure it out" because now I'm going to be out of sight and out of mind. But I wonder -- even after all this -- that if she came back I would want to subject myself to this situation again. I would give 100%, but these issues make me think we just may not be right for each other.

 

This is all part of letting go, so no matter what happens, I'll be ok.

 

I'll keep you updated.

[sean001]

struggling today... just had to mention that... probably because the pain is great now because there will be no more "contact"... at least not until she figures out what is going on... I know this is probably the end, as she doesn't seem emotionally capable of putting any more effort into this situation and will probably just keep pursuing her current relationship in order to forget about me and move on.

 

I'm sad about this but I know each day will get better. It has to. I've been wanting to call her all day, but I know I can't do that. I think I just wanted to see that love in her eyes one more time...

[mewbomb]

I know its hard, very, very, hard.. think about this, at least you know now she IS with someone else... that SHOULD make it a bit easier to let go!?

 

Just be strong...live your life, and think of the good things in your life you have or had!? it helps... OH...exercise alot!!! That helps more than you know...

 

Take care...stay strong

[yell02sonoma]

sean, I'm going through the same thing and your situation is almost like mine. I basically did the same thing you did. I know it's hard, but the ball is in their court now. I wish mine would have worked out differently too. Just hang in there man.

[amerikajin]

Pity her, my ass.

 

Dude you did the right thing. Once it's over, it's over. There's no getting back the magic of the past. It wouldn't be the same.

 

"She didn't know what she wanted". Horsesh*t. She knew exactly what she wanted. What she wanted was to control you and get you to play her own little real-life version of the Love Connection. She wanted to play you, and when she realized you were man enough to stand up to her, she suddenly gained a respect for you that she didn't previously have. You must have been a little too nice to her in your relationship. You probably bought her roses for every date, paid for her dinners, or never argued with her. Women - despite what they'll tell you - don't really appreciate nice men. They don't want assh*les, but they want someone who can occasionally be an assh*le. You probably came across as the unpassionate guy, or workaholic guy, or the needy weakling guy. I'm not saying that's who you are, I'm saying that's how she probably saw you. For her, you became a hobby, and after a while, a boring one at that. And before you lash out in retaliation at my harsh words, you should understand that I speak from plenty of experience. I've been a boring hobby for many a girl in the past, so there.

 

But now, no more mister nice guy. And you know what? It works. I'm actually getting more and more phone numbers every day.

[sean001]

actually, amerikajin, the relationship was a bit more complicated. She left because she thought I didn't care about her the same way she cared about me and she didn't think I wanted to go to the next level (committed relationship, marriage, kids, etc.). Our relationship was casual -- we were uncommitted and almost like good friends rather than lovers. But we spent a helluva lotta time together, took trips across the country, and she did fall in love with me, but because of some tragedies that I dealt with during our relationship (death of close friends/family) my heart was not really into getting serious. But when she left, she forced all my feelings to the surface and I went back to her a week later and told her I wanted to move to that level and that we should give it a chance.

 

That lasted about one week before she started blowing me off and I found out she was with this other dude.

 

So I asked for the keys to my apartment back, told her I really wished this could work, and left (I mean, hell, I got rejected!).

 

That's when she started calling me all the time and I couldn't understand what the hell was going on, which is why I posted here. The girl definitely loves me, but for the last month she has treated me like dirt, so that's why I did what I had to do yesterday. She was fully aware of my feelings because I asked her if she knew how I felt and she said yes (as if the poems, letters, and flowers over the last month didn't say it enough).

 

Oh well, life moves on.

[Vivid_29]

Sean - There could be lots of reasons for her behavior, but the only thing I can think of, is that she is checking to see if you're still miserable. This is probably a big ego booster for her. Dude, it's OK to hurt; It's all part of healing, but don't let her know or see that you are hurting.

 

Keep in touch with her and let her know that you are doing fine. For goodness sake, don't ask her to dinner. Even as friends, it's still too soon.

 

I must say that you really screwed up when you gave her poems, letters, flowers and such. Those things are nice, but they can really blow up in your face. You even said yourself that she was shocked at how you reacted to the breakup. She thought that you could walk away so easily. This is exactly what you should have done. If you would have done this, she probably would have wanted you that much more!

[wiseluv34]

Sean, everyone on this forum have their "own little scenarios" to share with you. BUT THE ONLY THING THAT WILL RELIEVE YOUR PAIN, IS THE LORD...ASK GOD TO HELP YOU MOVE ON FROM THIS LADY, ASK HIM FOR STRENGTH TO ENDURE. i PROMISE you will find relief, if you lean on God, instead of your own understanding..or man's understanding. B/C MEN FAIL US EVERYTIME, only God knows our hearts. i don't know if you're a believer or not, but i am...and i have to encourage you. ASK GOD. he'll show you the right path to take in life.

i'm so sorry, that this girl hurt you and led you on. but just like these people are telling you, you need to move on because you deserve BETTER. this gal cheated on you, she lied to you...just try and reflect on the hurtful ways she treated you....do you think this is love? NOT! if she loved you, she would'nt have been so selfish and dishonest.

pls just stay busy and move on...b/c she is. she have someone new in her life, and sounds like she isn't ABOUT to give it up.

JUST MOVE FORWARD, B/C GOD HAVE SOMETHING BETTER IN STORE FOR YOU...WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING OR SOMEONE....BETTER AHEAD! but first, you have to let go of the past failures. you tried, and that's all you can do. holla & peace

p.s. move forward sean, and i just know that you'll find someone who loves you....FOR YOU. you sound like a great guy.

[amerikajin]

Well, if you want valid advice you have to give us a valid picture of the truth in its entirety. You only gave us half the picture, so you got advice that was only half useful.

 

Now that we're getting deeper here (I assume you've told us everything), I'd say you gotta decide what you want quickly and then show her what your intentions are. You wouldn't be writing here if there wasn't a part of you that wanted this to continue, so let's assume that's what you want then.

 

If you want her back, you have to tell her so unambiguously. But before that, you have a big decision to make. Do you really think it's going to work out with her in the long-term, or are you just feeling sad because of things that have happened in your life lately and you somehow think that hooking up with her is going to somehow make it all better? Are you really in love with this girl, or are you just going through a weird phase in your life? Decide this before you do anything.

 

If you decide you want a marriage with her, then tell her what your plan is and don't beat around the bush. Time's slipping away. There comes a point in a relationship when you throw the so-called playbook out the window and just get down to reality. What you want vs. What she wants. Who you are vs. Who she is. Go with your gut here, but stick to good old fashioned honesty.

 

Usually I'm against getting back together, but if someone thinks they're truly on the cusp of a lifelong relationship, they owe it to themselves and the other person to give it a shot. You'll regret it a long time otherwise.

[sean001]

I posted this entire story in another forum, but it didn't seem worth rehashing after the rejection, breakup, etc. I just wanted to get some opinions on what she might be doing and what I should do now since it is "broken up" as far as I'm concerned. The story is under "second chances" at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t26274/

 

That link tells what happened and what I did over the last month. None of it worked.

 

So I've been battling my feelings for a while because of one thing -- it's unhealthy. And I don't know how to make it better if the other party doesn't want to work. If she was the same person as before, then yes it could be a lifetime commitment, but if the whole time we dated she was acting just to woo me, then I don't know if it could last.

 

Either way, it doesn't matter. It was killing me to talk to her knowing she was with someone else and that all she wanted to do was talk about "traffic" and other BS when she called. She has no idea what she wants, except obviously not a romantic relationship with me. We never had the "let's be friends" conversation. I tried many times to talk to her about where we go from here, but she never had an answer. So I had to make my own decision.

 

Of course, the door is still open. I told her to call me when she is ready to talk to me about where we go from here. If she never gets ready, then so be it.

[amerikajin]

Sean,

 

Whatever I say to you or anyone else isn't directed at you personally, even though it may sound like it is. This is a therapeutic process for me and I do this and say things to help me understand my own life better. It sounds like I'm lecturing to you or getting on a soapbox, but I'm only trying to put it down in print so I can see these situations for myself. Don't take anything I say personally.

 

Okay, now...

 

The underlying problem here is that your relationship with her has been incredibly vague. Not for a single day did you ever commit yourself to her, and you wouldn't allow her to commit to you. Neither of you have had any idea where you stand with the other, although you have to admit she's made more of an effort to be clear about her intentions than you have.

 

Your problem is that for two years you've had absolutely no idea what you've wanted from her. You took her for granted, basically. You assumed she'd be there for you just like she always had been. You assumed that when you were ready, when it was convenient for you, that she'd just be your little princess waiting for you, ready to get hitched and ride off in a horse carriage with you.

 

For the first time since you've known her, you feel threatened. You realize that someone else is about to take away that security.

 

The only thing you can do is to be very candid with her - completely candid. Maybe the sit-down talk thing isn't a bad idea. But don't make a habit of sit-down talks - don't turn this into a mini-series. I'd maybe pick some kind of informal occasion to just sit and talk face-to-face with her. My first instinct is to think of a place where you can feel comfortable talking to each other with some relative privacy, though preferably neutral (i.e. not at her place or yours). Just have one last talk with her and get all of it out on the table. But what you really need to do is to let her know that you're completely aware of what I've just written above. Let her know you're not going to take advantage of that anymore. That doesn't mean for you to get on your hands and knees and become a groveling miser. Don't be pitiful, but let her know you accept responsibility for not being clear with her. Women like men who act like men.

 

If she doesn't seem interested in setting up a face-to-face, then just go for it over the phone. Give it your best shot, but don't have high hopes. Be prepared to accept whatever, and I'd say that if this doesn't work, your next move should be to take this as a painful lesson and move on.

[sean001]

Thanks for the advice -- and of course I don't take anything personally -- it's just a website!

 

I don't disagree with your analysis and my twisted way of thinking about this situation. I told her that I DID take her for granted and that I never would do it again. It's an unfortunate part of life that sometimes you don't realize how great something is until it's gone. And I did my best to tell her how wrong I was. I gave many, many apologies. Wrote poems, sent tons of flowers, and had many, many sit-down talks. So far, we have had around five or so of them over the last month. All of them were initiated by me. All of them proved unsuccessful.

 

If there is to be another, it must be initiated by her at this point.

 

I really didn't want to spend all my time seeing her with all this drama. I asked her to go out on many ocassions and she refused. I thought if we went out and had fun and not talk about "it" that we could relax and have a good time, and actually enjoy each other's company again. But she created this prison with this other man that I don't have the key for. It's up to her whether she wants to escape it and give us a chance.

[amerikajin]

I'm with you on this one, brother.

 

Most of us guys have had to be humbled at some point in our lives by an experience like this. When we finally awaken and realize just how much we cared for the other person, it's sometimes a little too late.

 

The thing you have to remember here is that life is a journey. We always hear in the media and in the movies about "the one" for us. Well the truth is that there's more than one. There's more than woman in this world who can make a good life for you. It's just that they're just so damn hard to find - other guys have their eyes on the same prize. For example, I do mutual language studies with this lovely Chinese lady (I live in Japan currently) and I find her incredibly attractive. Unfortunately, she's married. Honestly speaking, I really do respect the institution of marriage and would never interfere in that way - and to keep myself honest I've insisted that I go out to eat with her and her husband sometime. It just sucks to know that all of the good ones are "taken".

 

Damn!

 

Anyway, march on, brother. You'll get another shot. Just remember the good times you had with this girl. If you see her and get a chance to talk to her again, just tell her you're cool being friends with her and that you'll support her in whatever she does.

[wiseluv34]

hello sean, i have to give PROPS to amerikajin, he's a WISE man. he's telling you how it really is! when ameri told you that life is a "journey", "and that there's more than one person for us".. you can best believe that he's coming correct!

AND FOR YOU AMERIKAJIN...YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE AREN'T TOO MANY GOOD WOMEN IN THIS WORLD LEFT, JUST LIKE THERE ISN'T MANY GOOD MEN...LEFT. , BUT I'D ADVISE YOU TO LEAVE THE MARRIED WOMAN ALONE, FOR YOUR SAKE. ASK HER IF SHE HAS A SINGLE GIRLFRIEND, FOR U TO MEET. now back to my boy,,,,

SEAN, you're putting too much into this girl....just do like ameri said, and cherish the moments you had with your ex...but DO MOVE ON!

life is too short, to waste it on someone who isn't showing mutual love, back to us. i got one question for ya sean...pls answer me this..WHY LOVE SOMEONE, WHO DON'T LOVE YOU? apparently, this gal let u know that she's giving her lovin' to another man. will you be able to forgive her, if she did come running back to you? and if she comes back...she'll probably just be using you for leftovers, the guy she's dating would probably have dumped her. b/c she already know you love her...and she haven't came back to you yet, now have she?

so, just pray God takes away the feelings, that you're having for this 2-timer..b/c she isn't good enough for you.

IF SHE LOVED YOU, I MEAN TRULY LOVED YOU...THEN SHE WOULD'VE WAITED ON YOU TO HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART. but she just ran to the next man who showed her some attention.

just do your thang sean, and get the hell on with your life.

CUZ IF YA ASK ME, SHE AIN'T WORTH THE STRESS!

(I HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK) holla, peace

[amerikajin]

Wiseluv,

 

Thanks for the tip. I don't want to alarm you, though....it's more like a simple crush at this point, which I think is something that most of us have at some point or another.

 

I have brought up the idea of going out to eat or something to meet her husband once or twice before. I figure by doing that it would counter any urges I have in the future, but even with all of that said, I'm dating and I'm interested in other women - women who are more available I guess it's just that from time to time I say "Man, what a nice, intelligent woman. I wish I could find someone like her." But all the time, I am very cognizant and respectful of the fact that she's married. There's never been anything suggestive in our relationship from either one of us. It's a friendship and mentorship, and nothing else. If I feel for a moment that this has changed, I will do exactly as you've prescribed. I have to confess I'm not a very religious person, but I do take the advice of scripture's Golden Rule: I treat others as I'd like to be treated myself.

[wiseluv34]

AMERI, that's good to know, that you're waiting for the right and single one.

but don't fool yourself, we can be attracted to someone with the word "unavailable", written all up in there foreheads (been there, done it), but i can tell that you already know, it isn't worth the headache and stress.

and there are still some good "women" and "men" that are still available, b/c this is a spacious world, ya know it?

just stay focused on the righteous, and it'll all work out for ya. before you know it, you''ll meet the lady of your dreams.

i can say, that i am a good, worthy woman...not just b/c of me, but because i know, love, and live for.. our Lord and saviour, Christ Jesus. and he's the only ONE who can make us whole. so, the woman that you do chose, make sure she's righteous and loves the Lord...then you'll be happy in the relationship, and in the Lord!

holla at me, if u want to chat or ask me some ?.

be blessed.

[bark]

Post-relationship relationships are the worst--especially immediately after the break-up. They never equal what happened before.

 

Post-break-up, we are most vulnerable, our egos have been bruised and every call from an ex is perceived as a potential resumption. But that rarely occurs. It's all self-deception.

 

Post-break-up exchanges are painful, unsettling and ultimately disappointing. But many persist in this masochistic exercise in the hope that all can become as before. But guess what: That ain't gonna happen. Believe me, I know, I've been there.

 

I would move on. Cut the connection, no matter how painful. Enter into a rebound relationship if you must: But don't wallow with your ex. It ain't worth it.