crh1995 Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 My marriage of eight years seems like it is on the verge of falling apart. My wife is having an affair with a man she has known since she was 14. During the past two months she has been either seeing him everyday or talking to him on the phone for over an hour. She maintains that she is in love with both of us and cannot chose between us. I think she has more of an emotional attachment to him than to me, but feels obligated to stay with me for financial reasons (we're not rich, but the OM is even poorer than we are -- he cannot afford to support her). We also have three children and we both think divorce would be hard on them. This is not the first time she has had an affair with this man. Three years ago she had a lengthy (three months) and intense relationship. She broke that off, claiming that she wanted to work on her marriage to me, but I doubt how sincere her efforts have been given her recent actions. She also had a romatic relationship with him before we were married (he's much older than either of us -- their relationship started when she was 14 and he was 29.) This whole thing has been conducted fairly out in the open. I've known about the affair both times while it was going on and had many discussions with her about her actions. I gave her an ultimatum a couple of nights ago either to leave me or to uphold her half of our marriage. I think she got scared and said that she would stay with me and agreed to stop all contact with him. Her phone call to him to end the affair ended up lasting two hours and she cried the whole time, ending it with a passionate expression of her love for him. She has been cold and distant ever since. I do not know what to do. I love her very much, but I don't know if our marriage is doomed. If it is, I don't know how to go about ending it. She can't really go live with the OM, he can't afford to support her and I can't afford to support both her and myself living in separate residences. I don't know what will happen to the kids in all of this. They seem to be very aware of this duality in my wife's life -- she regularly takes them to go and see the OM and even leaves them in his care on a regular basis. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
Meredith Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I'm sorry I don't have any real constructive advice for you, but that is a very sad situation you're in. I have to ask, why have you not considered leaving your wife? Is it your financial situation? Because that is no reason to stay together. And if the reason is your children, I have to ask you what your children are learning by having interaction with the OM and having their mother's infidelity in their faces? How does that make you feel? Your wife is disrespecting you and your family, and also disrespecting the "second chance" you have already given her. This must be incredibly difficult for you, since you love your wife, but I think she has proven to you that she is not interested in being faithful to you. Are you prepared to live a lif of misery? Because that is what you're in for with this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
mixedup1 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Ahh man, That sucks. I am in the same situation of which, I never would have thought my wife of 10 years and lived together for 9 years, ya, 19 years total, would have an affair. I am in the same rut, however my wife won't stop seeing this guy, he is 10 years younger she's 38 he's 28. When I do ask her to not see him, what does she do.....she does it in spite of my pleas. What a terrible torture to go through that over and over again. If I had any sense I would have dumped her when she saw him the second time. I have so much love for this woman, I can't even begin to tell you how much, but its i a lot. I think the intentional or is it? act of lying to me, saying she is going to go to a friends or whatever, but then doesnt call, isnt heard from and changes her cell phone number so I can't reach her. She lives in an apartment, I don't know the address to that due to the fact she wont tell anyone . not even grandmas, they are great... She keeps throwing this guy back in my face, telling me she has hickeys all over my neck, I cant see you and then she goes off with this guy to do the nasty cold funky madena.....man all I can say is this stuff hurts. I have been a mess the last two months trying to get things back together, but she insists on a divorce, doesnt want to give it another chance.. I can't take this much longer, real tuff to cut her off but i am getting there. I would say to you, she has agreed to stay with you, which is good, but she is under tons of pressure (your wife) mine too, heh...we all are......tuff choice to make, I was going to file for divorce, not cheap, I did get a lawyer, pay retaining fee. But I don't know, I want to so bad. She is hurting me more and more and not caring. Real tuff situation, I wasnt expecting it but she told me, she was so remorseful and crying, I felt sorry for her, but now she is still continuing this affair! I never imagined it would hurt so badly. Time is the all healer, I am facing it day by day. I don't want to divorce but that is the only way she can move on and she can move on. I know I did not help any but at least you know your not the onl one out there today..Good Luck my friend Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 You should file for divorce and move on she's dirty for doing what shes already done. As far as your kids go,If you feel that they wont be safe file for cutody.I know its not as easy as it sounds, but you have to get out of there, your kids dont need to see you suffer at the wrongful hands of you wife.Because in time they'll understand whats going on. Hope it works out in your favor. Link to post Share on other sites
MarieW Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Your wife had a relationship with this guy when she was FOURTEEN and he was TWENTY NINE. No normal guy of 29 would be interested in a 14 year old. Therefore he isn't a normal guy and your wife loves him......more fool her. Bear this in mind and leave her, move on. Pity them. Don't let her headf***k you anymore. The kids will be better off when they aren't subjected to your wife's dirty affair. And so will you. It will be hard at first but you CAN do it. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 This OM is obviously a sicko, to have first gotten together with her when she was a minor (14) and he was 29 (old enough to be her father). If they were intimate then, that's statuatory RAPE. But anyway, by you not putting your foot down, and you continuing to allow her to carry on with this loser, you are sending her a message that you're a passive doormat who doesn't have much respect for yourself or your family or your marriage and you'll go along with anything. You should have booted her arse out a long time ago. She is defiling your marriage and family, she has no business being in your home or being around your children. This 2 hour long emotionally expressive cry-fest she had on the phone, when telling him it was over, just where were your kids at the time? Do they get to see Mom putting on these shows? Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on little things, no matter what age. You are both setting a horrible example for your children.....not very good relationship role models......your kids will get the message that marriage and loyalty means nothing and that it's "commonplace" for married people to have lovers/affairs. Is that the msg you want to send? So she's ended it now, but it sounds like she's not happy with having to make that decision and she's going to take out her displeasure on you..by being cold and distant. why would you put up with this? Kick her out. She's not doing her part as a spouse or parent. People s*** all over us because we allow them to. On the same note, we "teach" people how to treat us. If we want to be treated with respect and integrity and dignity and honesty, then we will expect no less and will not put up with anything less. You need to get a backbone and boot her out til she can get herself sorted out, if that's even possible. She sounds messed up and she should have NEVER been allowed to be in a position where she had the chance to "choose" which of you to be with, for god's sake. She's married to you. You should be her only choice... Think about your kids. They deserve a good role model. She sounds incapable of being one. She sounds selfish and having no concept of what marriage and commitment is. Link to post Share on other sites
tabbico Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Have you considered marriage counselling? If you want to work things out, this might help to give you both a forum to settle things once and for all. Link to post Share on other sites
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