loser101 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I have a lovely sister and we have been always very close. We are both in our 30s. The problem is that she lived with our mother until she was about 27 and that had a very strong influence on her. My mother has a competition issue with every single woman she meets - including us, her daughters - and she did a very good job on my sister in terms of oppressing my sister's sexuality (I moved to another country when I was 20 so my mother's dictatorship largely escaped me). My sister had only about 3 very brief relationships (talking 3-6 months) and each ended badly. She also gets crushes on men that often don't get reciprocated. She has this 'woman-child' attitude, instead of coming across as a confident, grown woman in her 30s when it comes to strangers or men, she puts on this voice and pose that would remind you someone in her early teens. She is very shy and reserved with men and it takes her a very long time to allow intimacy to develop. It only bothers me because I know she doesn't like being single. However, even though men find her attractive initially, her child-like approach puts them off. I know that because they occasionally tell me. How can I help her without hurting her? I just want her to behave as an adult woman in her 30s and speak properly, rather than some little girl. I don't even think she is aware of her lack of poise because I don't know how to tell her and I doubt anybody else bothered, she certainly never mentions it. I had hoped she would grow out of it. Any suggestion would be welcome. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
EllieBean Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Hmm, I don't think you should be trying to change your sister if she's happy how she is. I'm slightly younger than your sister, but I admit I'm a little childish - still dress like a teenager, still do the silly little girl voice - and I'm a quiet little person too. My ex found it really annoying and would tell me not to do the silly voice and to grow up, which really annoyed me because I felt like he didn't accept me as I was. My current bf thinks it's cute when I pout and act silly, so everyone is happy, and I don't feel pressured to change who I am as a person. Perhaps your sister just hasn't yet met a man who will accept her without wanting to change her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loser101 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 no she is not happy. I don't want to 'change her'. I want her to have better social skills. it's not about being silly, or ditzy. does anyone know how you can help someone develop better social skills? Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I have a lovely sister and we have been always very close. We are both in our 30s. The problem is that she lived with our mother until she was about 27 and that had a very strong influence on her. My mother has a competition issue with every single woman she meets - including us, her daughters - and she did a very good job on my sister in terms of oppressing my sister's sexuality (I moved to another country when I was 20 so my mother's dictatorship largely escaped me). My sister had only about 3 very brief relationships (talking 3-6 months) and each ended badly. She also gets crushes on men that often don't get reciprocated. She has this 'woman-child' attitude, instead of coming across as a confident, grown woman in her 30s when it comes to strangers or men, she puts on this voice and pose that would remind you someone in her early teens. She is very shy and reserved with men and it takes her a very long time to allow intimacy to develop. It only bothers me because I know she doesn't like being single. However, even though men find her attractive initially, her child-like approach puts them off. I know that because they occasionally tell me. How can I help her without hurting her? I just want her to behave as an adult woman in her 30s and speak properly, rather than some little girl. I don't even think she is aware of her lack of poise because I don't know how to tell her and I doubt anybody else bothered, she certainly never mentions it. I had hoped she would grow out of it. Any suggestion would be welcome. Thanks Talk to her about it. If the childish aspect is really bothering her maybe she could learn another language, take assertiveness classes, learn to box.. or something. These options could influence her confidence or give a new perception of her voice. Maybe learning Spanish or French could help? I adore the French language SO much! SO beautiful and sensual .. Only thing is, if she genuinely is of the nature you say, she may no longer feel authentic. I do feel uneasy with the concept that one has to change in order to attract men. Yuk! From what you have said, your sister has two pretty strong characters in her life. It could be that she is behaving in this manner and being perceived as being 'ditzy' or 'childish' because of her surroundings. To me, it sounds as though she has been exposed to different types of competition. The competition from Mom has been overt, from you covert and probably unintentional, but a form of competition none the less. You left and made your own life remember. She stayed. Some people arent made for competition and so they come across as strange or aloof because they simply dont go along with or fair well with that pressure. I for one am only competitive against myself. I dont bother with general competitiveness. I dont know, maybe you should leave her be? .. Or go 'old school style'. For example, my daughters take the piss out of each other a lot.. I took the piss out of my brother and made him do my ironing for years. As a sibling it is your responsibility to do this with your sister in some way regardless of age. It is the circle of life and how we learn! What matters is that you care in way she understands. I dont know if you have this bond but this is probably what she needed all along. Do try not to worry about her so much! Worry isnt good, it can cause people to behave in ways they dont really intend on. Then again I do remember this one girl I knew ages and ages ago who had this really childish voice and gosh! she was SUPER annoying! I say, support her with what she wants but dont go on about it too much. Who knows.. maybe its better for her to be single right now? Relationships can be hell on earth if rushed etc. Even moreso for us sensitive types. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
MeaganRaye Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I don't see anything wrong with the way your sister is. I think adults who have child like qualities to be very refreshing. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 My sister (...) when it comes to strangers or men, (...) puts on this voice and pose that would remind you someone in her early teens. _________________________ I had hoped she would grow out of it. Is your sister also this way when speaking to YOU? (or does she have a 'normal' voice?) You say she 'puts it on' for men, but you also say you had hoped she would have grown out of it... which indicates she has always been like this... Since your mother has been dictatorial with your sister, it wont help to be too direct and blunt with your sister... I think, since you say she doesn't want to be single, that you should initiate a talk about what she is looking for in a guy, and then let her say what she sees as attractive qualities she has, and if there is anything she wishes to improve on... then you could gently tell her that you have received some feedback from some men who initially found her attractive but were put off by her childish voice and passivity... perhaps it might help if you can somehow videotape her (unaware?) when she is talking to a man, so she can later view it more objectively?? Dunno if that last bit would be effective... Link to post Share on other sites
nana yaw II Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 no she is not happy. I don't want to 'change her'. I want her to have better social skills. it's not about being silly, or ditzy. does anyone know how you can help someone develop better social skills? but that is changing her. leave her be and let her live her own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 but that is changing her. leave her be and let her live her own life. OP, unless someone ASKS for your advice and help, try not to give ... Link to post Share on other sites
nana yaw II Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 OP, unless someone ASKS for your advice and help, try not to give ... i don't understand this, i am not the OP. i'm just being honest here, unless the sister says she is unhappy, then who is she to say the sister should change? i think it's a bit sad, personally, for a grown sibling to want to guide another grown sibling. perhaps the OP needs help for control issues, i don't know.... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts