confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Married for 15 years. Mother of 3. Just ended an affair with a man whom I knew many years ago. Been lurking out here, so I'll try to tell the story as clearly as possible. This was a full affair, EA and PA. Connected online after many, many years of not being in touch and developed an immediate connection. Met for drinks the first night, hand holding and petting. Continued to meet for dinners throughout the end of last summer. Each time we were together the touching got more intense on both of our parts. One night, my husband was traveling and I had dinner with MM and brought him to my home. 2 of my children were in the house, sleeping. I thought I was in love and wanted to spend time with him not in public; feeling like I was hiding or sneaking around. One thing lead to another and we slept together in my house; not in my bed. My daughter didn't see that, but saw him in the house later and I had to convince her that noone was in the house. We continued to see each other for the next several months. I tried from time to time to take breaks and not be involved with him, but we couldn't go more than a few days without contact. I broke it several times; and he always responded. Because of his work, it became harder for us to see each other later in the fall and early winter. We texted all day everyday, and it grew more and more sexual in content. Looking back, it was very exciting. I also shared with him details about my children and my daily life. He was very much ingrained in my daily life. He was great, very supportive. We told each other we loved one another, but I was always clear I wasn't leaving my husband. My H and I have been to MC on multiple occassions in our life together, he's a great father and and good guy, but I feel like he doesn't listen to me or always meeting my emotional needs. My MM did. He really seemed to understand me. Anyway, MM and I fought sometimes like couples do and I think he was ready to leave his w for me and I told him not too. I reminded him that I wasn't leaving my h. His wife found about the affair and he started going to MC and we were still in touch. I finally decided to end it with him about a month ago and thought it was over. Last Friday his wife called my husband at his work and told him about the EA part of the A, not the PA. My husband had suspected for sometime that there was something going on with me and MM; whom he knew had been in contact. Now everything is blowing up for me. My husband made me delete all of my email accounts and is checking my phone. I haven't spoken to MM since I told him I couldn't do this any more, and he's respected me with NC. But I'm dying here. Feel guitly, my H is really upset and I feel like I'm all alone. Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us. I'm struggling. I'm a good person, I thought and now I have this pain in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I think this is fake. But if it is not then you need to tell your H about everything before he finds out another way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Totally not fake as crazy as this seems..sorry, I'm really confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 It is recommended for a BS to let the other BS know for a number of reasons. First, there is a moral obligation to let the other Bs know , so he can make informed decisions about his life , ike whether to continue in the marriage. Second, your H needs to know that both of you need to be tested for STD's. This is very important as your h has now been exposed to this other guy's sexual history. Third, it allows for an additional set of eyes, your Bs's, to monitor the situation and to help his Bs feel more secure. With him watching you, she has aid in finding out about future contact. Fourth, it gives her a source with whom to compare notes, to see if your stories match and the details can be accurately reconstructed. Finally, it alerts your husband to the danger to which you exposed your children by bringing astrange man into your home with your kids there. That's about all i can think of right now. These seem very valid, don't you agree? Hope it helps you understand why her actions are very beneficial to your H and kids. Now, they have an idea of who they are dealing with as a wife and mother. As the Faber College motto says "Knowledge is good". Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Your husband deserved to know the truth (at least, some of it). I doubt that he was going to ever get the truth from you. He needs to know what the facts are, so he can make some tough decisions about your marriage. And if you think things suck now, just wait until he finds out about the PA. He likely will in time, and if you want this marriage to work, it'd be far better that he find out from you in one lump some, not from someone else and not in "bits and pieces" over the next few months or years. Your marriage may still end, but the best shot you have is to tell your husband the truth. If you can't bring yourself to do that, then file for divorce now and put this crappy marriage out of its misery. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us. I'm struggling. I'm a good person, I thought and now I have this pain in my life. as much as you want to keep this an isolated event, you sleeping around affected more than just you, your lover and your husband – the MM's wife got pulled into it against her will, as did her children and your children. It wasn't an event that centered on you and the guy you decided to screw. unfortunately, you seem to be living in a kind of ignorance about the whole thing ... you consider yourself a good person, yet cannot comprehend that "this pain" is solely your doing. try putting the shoe on the other foot and imagine it was your husband who took on a lover. As his wife, not only would you be hurt, you'd be suspicious, you'd do your best to roust out everything about the affair that you could just to see if your marriage was worth healing. And part of that healing would be acknowledging the affair as fully as possible ... meaning, the other woman's husband needed to be informed for his well-being (physical and mental). Now, why would you expect anything less of your lover's wife? Or is her pain not worthy of your consideration? Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 "Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us. I'm struggling. I'm a good person, I thought and now I have this pain in my life." If this post isn't fake than Albert Einstein was absolutely right when he said: There are only two infinite things in existence; the universe and human stupidness. And I am not even sure about the first one. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Did he say "stupidness"? Maybe it's a word. Just doesn't sound like Al( a serial cheater, by the way). Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 All, I promise you this isn't a fake post. I've had several bouts of depression in my life and I've been in counseling several times on my own. I'm so upset with my MM wife and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down. When we went NC I was praying this would go away. We all make mistakes. MM has honored the NC but I was just floored when my husband called me to tell me about his conversation. I'm so confused and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 All, I promise you this isn't a fake post. I've had several bouts of depression in my life and I've been in counseling several times on my own. I'm so upset with my MM wife and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down. When we went NC I was praying this would go away. We all make mistakes. MM has honored the NC but I was just floored when my husband called me to tell me about his conversation. I'm so confused and sad. Sorry, this wasn't a mistake in my book. A mistake is getting into the wrong lane on the freeway, or grabbing a diet Pepsi out of a cooler instead of a beer. Your get-togethers with the OM were planned, premeditated, and deliberately deceitful. And now you seem to be far more concerned about the impact of the natural consequences (of YOUR actions) on you than the impact on your husband. I say this not to be unkind, but rather to get you to see how skewed your thinking is. If you don't get your act together, your marriage will end (if it hasn't already). Link to post Share on other sites
mockeryjones Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us. It amazes you that she would bring this pain to your home? all i can say is what goes around comes around. you earned this and more besides. Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I'm so upset with my MM wife and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down. You have no right to be upset with her. She didn't cause this problem: YOU DID. She may have brought your actions to light but when you decided to inject yourself into her marriage you gave her that right. By helping yourself to her husband, that type of fallout is one of the less pleasant risks you opted to take. Own your poor decisions and quit blameshifting. Sheesh! Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Those of us that go into affairs thinking we will never be caught are not the brightest crayon in the box. While some don't get found out, the majority do. I personally went into my EA not caring if I got caught - & I did. His wife was RIGHT ON to call your husband! I would have done the same thing. (And, I think you would have too)...Why should her life be upset & in termoil while yours gets to just go on in it's "imaginary happiness".....Unfair I say! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us. This MM threw you under the bus and let it happen. HIS WIFE called YOUR HUSBAND because she felt it was a way to stop the affair from continuing. Also, the MM's FIRST priority (which is odd seeing as he was cheating on her) IS his wife, and if he has a shot of fixing the marriage, he WILL support his wife in telling your husband. Why should the MM get busted and go through hell alone? (wife's thinking) I'm going to go tell MW's husband about the affair so SHE can suffer too, why should she get off scott free? Do yourself a favour, come clean about EVERYTHING, tell your husband the truth and let him decide if you're worthy of a chance to prove yourself trustworthy. Maybe counselling can continue and things can be fixed, but you HAVE to want your marriage to work and make yourself NOT care or even think about the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I'm so upset with my MM wife and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down These are consquences of your choices and actions to choose to cheat on your husband. BE accountable for your decisions and take this as it comes. You cheated and expected or hoped that you wouldn't have ANY fallout to deal with? Did your husband get a say in YOU cheating on HIM? NO. Sorry to be harsh but own up to this and accept it. Your husband's world has been turned upside down because YOU cheated on him and had an affair. You're upset because you've now been forced to deal with the aftermath of being caught. Don't blame the MM's wife, blame yourself. If you hadn't cheated in the first place, this never would have happened. Sorry that you've suffered depression and I hope you continue to do counselling with that and maybe be on meds, but it isn't a justification to go cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Did he say "stupidness"? Maybe it's a word. Just doesn't sound like Al( a serial cheater, by the way). It was Al... 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I reminded him that I wasn't leaving my h. So, basically this guy could've been considering leaving his wife for you, but you were unwilling to leave your husband for him. The point then? To be in an affair? Just an affair...An ego feed, someone to make YOU feel good about yourself? To knowingly cheat on your husband, betray your family, lie and deceive, a double life - and now you've been busted you're upset that your life will be miserable? Again. sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up and get out of this affair fog you're in. The frame of mind and the way you're processing this is not realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 She didn't bring this pain to your house, your family. You did. The first step towards actually moving forward here is accepting responsibility. You need to accept responsibility for your choice to have an affair, for the damage done to your marriage, your husband, your family. Part of that is giving your H the FULL truth of the scope of the affair. You cannot rebuild your marriage, cannot repair the damage you've done if you remain dishonest and continue to lie to him by omission. Once that's done, there's a lot of help that people here can give you towards rebuilding your marriage...but not much can be done until you take these critical first steps. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I agree with OWL. YOU brought this pain into your house. YOU brought this pain onto yourself and onto your husband. YOU also brought this pain into the MM's house by participating in an affair with him. YOU brought pain to his wife. His wife contacted your husband because it's the best means she has at her disposal to STOP THE AFFAIR and that is her main goal. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 WHy did the MM's wife ONLY mention the EA?? Because she has been lied to and doesnt know about the PA? When does that bus arrive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 So, basically this guy could've been considering leaving his wife for you, but you were unwilling to leave your husband for him. The point then? To be in an affair? Just an affair...An ego feed, someone to make YOU feel good about yourself? To knowingly cheat on your husband, betray your family, lie and deceive, a double life - and now you've been busted you're upset that your life will be miserable? Again. sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up and get out of this affair fog you're in. The frame of mind and the way you're processing this is not realistic. I don't have a good answer here. I've been reading what everyone has been saying. I thought I loved MM and I know he was serious about leaving his wife for me. But I really feel that my situation at home was ok, it was just that I had feelings for this guy. I feel very bad and embarrassed by all of this. But I told him over and over again that I wasn't leaving for him. I did say never say never but I have kids and wasn't going to disappoint them by leaving their dad. It sounds terrible doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 It sounds terrible doesn't it? why dont you answer your own question Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 His wife contacted your husband because it's the best means she has at her disposal to STOP THE AFFAIR and that is her main goal. True. And thing is, his wife isn't concerned about the affect this will have on you and your marriage, just like you werent' concerned with her and her marriage when you had the affair with her husband. I know you're getting some harsh posts here, but it's all being said in a respecful way so you can see what you've done and it's all to help you in the long run for your road to recovery, either with your husband or not. Try not to take anything personally, harsh advice is what you need right now.. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 harsh advice is what you need right now.. and a good spankin' Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I don't have a good answer here. I've been reading what everyone has been saying. I thought I loved MM and I know he was serious about leaving his wife for me. But I really feel that my situation at home was ok, it was just that I had feelings for this guy. I feel very bad and embarrassed by all of this. But I told him over and over again that I wasn't leaving for him. I did say never say never but I have kids and wasn't going to disappoint them by leaving their dad. It sounds terrible doesn't it? But atleast you're owning it and being honest about it. THAT is a first step. Now, the second step you need to take is come clean about it all with your husband. That means telling him it wasn't just an EA, it was a PA as well. A full-on affair. You know your choices have been selfish and self serving. Now it's time to man-up (woman-up) and face the heat. Yes it'll be hard as heck, but atleast your husband will have some respect for you by you telling him the truth and answering all his questions. Link to post Share on other sites
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