Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Well, you've heard enough. But, it is critical for you and your husband to be tested for STD's. You are playing with his life/health. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I am scared. We have a good life in our community and I've been a good mom. I don't want things to end with my h, but I was so caught up with MM. I was very clear that I wasn't leaving my husband but he never caught on. He seemed to not believe me. I have been trying but my husband isn't interested in talking to me too much right now. well, you gotta stop blaming the MM. "I kept telling him I wasnt leaving..." But you were also telling him you loved him, right?? Love will conquer ALL he was thinking Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I am scared. We have a good life in our community and I've been a good mom. I don't want things to end with my h, but I was so caught up with MM. I was very clear that I wasn't leaving my husband but he never caught on. He seemed to not believe me. I have been trying but my husband isn't interested in talking to me too much right now. Give him space. Let him approach you and when he does, just listen to him. Allow him to feel what he feels. Don't blame him for your choices. What you can do though is start counselling on your own, and also when your husband does talk and is ready to hear what you have to say, you tell hi the whole truth. Give him all that he needs to know and take full responsibility for your choices in cheating. he is going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now and one minute he may be angry and the next cry and be upset. Well, you've heard enough. But, it is critical for you and your husband to be tested for STD's. You are playing with his life/health. Yes. Another reason to come clean..Wouldn't it just be awful if your husband caught something? Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 time to stop with the insults please... we get it Where is the insult? I just stated the truth... nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 well, you gotta stop blaming the MM. "I kept telling him I wasnt leaving..." But you were also telling him you loved him, right?? Love will conquer ALL he was thinking Think so? I was soooo clear with him. And I tell him how I felt. I wasn't fighting my feelings. Do you think he didn't believe me? I wish he had, it would have been easier if he had just gone away. But I can see what you mean. It was so hard to push him away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I am scared. We have a good life in our community and I've been a good mom. I don't want things to end with my h, but I was so caught up with MM. I was very clear that I wasn't leaving my husband but he never caught on. He seemed to not believe me. I have been trying but my husband isn't interested in talking to me too much right now. Then try harder. Demonstrate to your husband that you're not giving up on the marriage, even if he's tempted to. Tell him, straight up, that you're going to fight for the marriage, and that you'll do whatever you have to, for however long it takes. If he won't go to marriage counselling right now, sign up for individual counselling for yourself, and make sure your H knows about it. Tell him the full truth -- including the part about the PA. Willingly make your life an open book. Tell him where you're going, who with, what time you'll be back, and stick to it. Call him or text him during the day, even just to say hi. Do little things to show him you're thinking of him. Let him continue to check your emails and cell phone as long as he needs to do so. Expect and anticipate that he'll have angry days when he doesn't want to talk to you or when he doesn't respond to your positive or loving overtures. Don't allow these occasions to throw you off, or to get angry or irritable in return. DON'T say in response, "well at least I'm trying" or something similar -- you bloody well SHOULD be trying, and you don't get prizes for trying. Trying is the least that he can expect of you. When he's in those places, reassure him that you love him and that you're there for him. To fix this, there will be lots of times when you have to be the stronger one. Can you do that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Think so? I was soooo clear with him. And I tell him how I felt. I wasn't fighting my feelings. Do you think he didn't believe me? I wish he had, it would have been easier if he had just gone away. But I can see what you mean. It was so hard to push him away from me. But you said you were inlove with him too. I bet he knew that as well.. You may have implied it, but the thing is, you STILL allowed the affair to go on and maybe in his mind he thought and let feelings get in the way. Fogged his judgement too. Still having sex and stuff with him did lead him on. Anyway, WHO cares now..FOCUS on your husband not the MM. What happens with the MM now doesn't concern you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 And every time I hear a story of someone f#####g other people outside their marriage, especially trying to justify it, and then I hear, "I am a good person"....my first thought is I understand what you mean, but I've never done anything like this before and I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think part of my punishment is that I'm now the one who is very hurt along with my husband. I'm a good mother too, I'm dedicated to my kids. I can't all of a sudden become a bad person because I made a bad choice, can I? Please don't tell me that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Tell him the full truth -- including the part about the PA. Yes, do so before MM's wife calls again and fills your husband in with MORE details and newer information about your affair with her husband. Trust me, the MM is NOT going to save you during all this, he is going to do whatever HE can to save himself and if his wife demands to know EVERYTHING, chances are, he'll sing like a canary if he wants his marriage to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Confused, I won't berate you or try to intimidate you. I will put this as civilly as possible. You state that "YOU are a good person", please explain why you think this. Explore the facts. You have had sex with a man , who is not your husband. In your family home, with your children present. You have broken your marriage vows and had to convince your child that nothing was happening. You have blamed everyone, MM, MMW, your H and taken no resposibility yourself, for your adultery. If YOU were reading this as a third person, would YOU believe that you are a "good Person"? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I understand what you mean, but I've never done anything like this before and I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think part of my punishment is that I'm now the one who is very hurt along with my husband. No, the punishment isn't about you and your hurt, it's about the hurt you've caused your husband, and owning up to it, facing the heat and understanding WHY you allowed another man into your life instead of talking to your husband, letting HIM know that you were unhappy and needs weren't being met. I'm sure if you told your husband that you were considering an affair BEFORE you did go out and have one, he would've listened and changed his ways, gone to counselling with you and fixed things. All the love, faith and trust he had in you is all gone. He may still love you, but he has no trust left right now for you. You've lied to him, deceived him and betrayed him in the worst way possible... I'm a good mother too, I'm dedicated to my kids. I can't all of a sudden become a bad person because I made a bad choice, can I? Please don't tell me that. But you put yourself, your own happiness above your kids needs and your husbands too. You're not a bad person, but you've made some awful choices that give you questionable qualities and traits inside. If you want to change who you are and become someone who doesn't make those choices, work on you. Do therapy, deal with things head on and prove in actions that you're worthy of another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Think so? I was soooo clear with him. And I tell him how I felt. I wasn't fighting my feelings. Do you think he didn't believe me? I wish he had, it would have been easier if he had just gone away. But I can see what you mean. It was so hard to push him away from me. please read and reread this post over and over.... What does this statement make you look like? I can think of some pretty choice words myself, but YOU fill in the blank: "A married woman who is cheating on her husband with another married man, telling him she loves him, making love to him, sharing her most personal thoughts and sharing her "life" with him, but wishes he would have just gone away is a ___________________? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Boldjack...I never intended for this to happen, at all. I'm not hateful or mean to people. I've NEVER even considered anything even close to this before. I've been a good wife (til now) and a great mom. I love my kids and do anything and everything for them. I have a great mom and dad and terrific family around me. I do things in the community and all of the normal mom and dad things. I don't think MM is a bad guy either, I think this just sort of happened and before I knew it I was in too deep. Yes, I have problems with my husband and I've tried to work on that, but this was not my ultimate solution to the problem. Can't good people do bad things? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Boldjack...I never intended for this to happen, at all. I'm not hateful or mean to people. I've NEVER even considered anything even close to this before. I've been a good wife (til now) and a great mom. I love my kids and do anything and everything for them. I have a great mom and dad and terrific family around me. I do things in the community and all of the normal mom and dad things. I don't think MM is a bad guy either, I think this just sort of happened and before I knew it I was in too deep. Yes, I have problems with my husband and I've tried to work on that, but this was not my ultimate solution to the problem. Can't good people do bad things? "Stupid is as Stupid does" Forest Gump Link to post Share on other sites
mockeryjones Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Can't good people do bad things? we are what we do, not what we mean to do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I think this just sort of happened Stop thinking like that. IT didn't just 'sort of happen' it was an ACTIVE choice to have an affair. Own it and stop downplaying this.. Yes, I have problems with my husband and I've tried to work on that, but this was not my ultimate solution to the problem So did having an affair make your marriage better? More managable? Happier at home because you had someone on the side and got the benefits of having your cake and eating it too? Again, sorry for the harshness, but you need to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 If you want me to be honest, I loved the MM in my life. Made me laugh and smile and feel good. I know it was likely not real, but at the time it was great. I now know that it was not so great. I feel so small for hurting my husband like this. Link to post Share on other sites
noreply110 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Think so? I was soooo clear with him. And I tell him how I felt. I wasn't fighting my feelings. Do you think he didn't believe me? I wish he had, it would have been easier if he had just gone away. But I can see what you mean. It was so hard to push him away from me I think of all your posts, including the first one, this is the most telling. You are so deep in the fog, you are not overly concerned about the condition of your marriage or family. You have received great advice, a few reality checks, and the only thing you show any energy for is wondering if your MM didn't believe that you were going to leave your husband. Until this all becomes real, and I promise as soon as his wife finds out about the PA it will become very very real, you can stay in the "what if" stage. Being angry at the BW and the MM is a distraction from what you cannot face, which is your H and your children, and your own actions. I don't have the magic words that will clear your head, no one here does. You have a H who is hurt and angry, but you are allowing him to think thats all he has to be angry about. Your world will crumble when he finds out about the PA. You know you should tell him, but you won't. You don't own your part yet, and until your bubble truly bursts, you won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Good people do do bad things. But, until you wrap your brain around the fact that this did not "just happen", you cannot fix what is broken withing you. Normal, healthy people do not do this type of hurtful behavior. It's like saying "I am a nice, law abiding person, I just happened to rob a bank" or " I am a loving husband, but once in a while, I happen to find myself beating my wife and kids." I'm not sure you fully understand the extent of the damage you have done. Do some reading. This is real life, not what we see in movies and on TV where folks cheat and their spouses get over it by the next scene. Infidelity is widely considered by most therapists as the most severe form of emotional abuse. Many, many folks that fall victim to this contemplate suicide, lose their jobs, have long term self esteem issues. or get PTSD. So, ask yourself how does a good, nice person do this to someone else. You have to look inside to see why you did not realize( or, perhaps you did but did not care) how badly you were hurting your family. When the "this just happened" refrain appears , it is a good sign that the person does not want to dig deeper. You need to go deep on this. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 If you want me to be honest, I loved the MM in my life. Made me laugh and smile and feel good. I know it was likely not real, but at the time it was great. I now know that it was not so great. I feel so small for hurting my husband like this. you are a mess, girl. You need to get back in touch (or allow yourself) to be in touch with your REAL feelings.. Right now you are angry, but, I promise you, when this clears a little in teh next few days, these emotions that you just wrote in this post will come flying back.. You WILL be missing OM Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Confused, yes, happens all the time. But infidelity isn't accidental or a mistake, it is a deliberate destruction of one's family. If you are REALLY a good person, then you would tell your husband everything, and take your medicine. All of the things that you have done in the past, mean nothing, if you can't be honest. You MUST take responsibility for the damage, YOU have caused. Don't blame others, they have to deal with their own situations. If you really want to save your children heartache and save your marriage, then be honest with yourself AND your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 You should also be aware that the MM is probably going to tell his wife about the PA as well. Do you want your husband to find out from her? Do you want your parents to know that their daughter is an adulteress? You need to tell your husband ALL and you need to do it before somebody else does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 please read and reread this post over and over.... What does this statement make you look like? I can think of some pretty choice words myself, but YOU fill in the blank: "A married woman who is cheating on her husband with another married man, telling him she loves him, making love to him, sharing her most personal thoughts and sharing her "life" with him, but wishes he would have just gone away is a ___________________? What a bitch? I told him I wasn't leaving my husband. He was just as willing to stay in this with me. I did love him. That didn't mean I was giving up my marriage for him. I told him not to leave his wife for me. I was clear. I know that I'm getting lots of crap out here for this, but I am just being honest. I didn't want him to disappear, but I wanted him to go away so I could cope. I was weak. He wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 By refusing to be honest with your husband that it was a physical affair, you are still humiliating and disrespecting him. After all of this you still refuse to tell him the truth. You put your husband at risk for STD's and still you refuse to tell him the truth. You and your husband both must be tested now. If the roles were reversed, how would you be feeling? The fact that you would bring your lover to your home and have sex with your children sleeping is such an insult to your husband. You have desecreted your home. You must have great hatred toward your husband because it is quite symbolic that it did not bother you to have sex with your lover in the home your husband shares with you. How would you feel if your husband brought his lover to have sex in your home while you were traveling? The sad part is that you still refuse to tell your husband the trust which show just how much distain you have for your husband. Your husband has my sympathy because you are still lying to your husband. A good person would not continue to lie to their spouse in such a manner. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 So, you were "honest" with your lover? Why don't you try that with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
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