Me of All People

[65tr6]

A few years ago, when I still hadn't healed from my XW's serial betrayal, I'd never have posted something like this.

 

You did a very destructive and horrible thing. By coming clean with your husband at last, however, you've moved your marriage from "dead" to "on life support".

 

rd, I disagree. OP did the right thing. What if her husband found out anyway ? It is never that simple to recover from a betrayal. Unfortunately little innocent ones suffer through horrific experience.

 

OP, you need to pick yourself up and fight for your marriage. There is NO easy way out of this. It is a long haul. Your best bet is convince your husband not to make any decisions right now. You must try to move back in with your husband.

[soserious1]

The OP's husband sounds like he's got a bit of cash.. PI's don't work for free. It also sounds like he's smart, he wants the truth, all of it,not the watered down whitewashed version the OP was willing to provide.

 

This affair was not a one time drunken fling, this went on for months and months, the OP had numerous chances to end this thing, to come forward to her husband yet she didn't, only her lover telling her about the PI was enough to get her to make full disclosure.

 

If I were the OP's husband I would be consulting with the best lawyer I could find, the OP would be given a choice..pack your clothing and leave quietly, without the children or face the fact that she and her lover were going to be exposed in as public a manner as I could manage. Every single person in town would know exactly what happened.

[troubadour]

I am surprised how much credit some posters are willing to give her for her so called "confesion".

 

Let's be realistic here... if it were not for OM' wife her husband would still know nothing about her "indiscresions". Even when he confronted her about the affair she kept on lying about it saying that it was just EA.

 

If it is true that she finally reviled everything to him last week... it was at the point when she couldn't lie anymore about the affair... there was a PI in the picture and it was just a matter of time for the truth to come out. So, was it really a confesion on her part...? It looks more like a damage control move to me.

 

If in these circumstancies... her husband decides that he wants to "work things out" it would mean that he is an utter idiot. I guess I would even stop blaming her for cheating on him instantly.

[65tr6]

I am surprised how much credit some posters are willing to give her for her so called "confesion".

I think you are missing the big picture.

 

ALL waywards lie...some admit everything the first time....(like my wife did) but she lied before about something else. It does not matter...if they admit, confess or if the spouse finds out...Bottom line is truth must come out and it did in this case.

 

Yes, I agree husband was smart enough not to believe OP and hire a PI. More than likely he was going to get to the truth anyway.

 

I dont think it is a matter of giving credit to op. It was the FIRST baby step she needed to take, restore some credibility, for her marriage to have any shot of surviving.

 

Yes it was probably a damage control move on her part but her husband heard it from her and not from a PI or someone else.

 

If in these circumstancies... her husband decides that he wants to "work things out" it would mean that he is an utter idiot.

Why is that..because she cheated and she does not deserve a second chance ? It is his call anyway.

 

I guess I would even stop blaming her for cheating on him instantly.

Stop blaming her for cheating because he wants to work things out ? Not sure what I am missing here.

[troubadour]

65tr6...

 

If I am missing the big picture than it makes two of us because you are certainly missing even a bigger one.

 

I have to admit I am a bit lost after reading your post... have you read her posts? Especially the early ones?

 

65tr6... you believe she deserves the second chance. Why? She doesen't give a flying f... about her husband, he is just a cash caw to her. She wants the stability which he offers her... not him. It is really that simple. What are missing here, 65tr6?

 

Read her posts... they are all about how she loved her OM and how her affair was justified. She was so caught up in her own selfisness that she even didn't try to hide it. It took her some time to finally learn how to respond to other posters and start hiding it.

 

If we say that she completely disrespected her husband, her own children, and herself by brinking her OM to her house because she couldn't control herself... we are extremely, extremely polite about it because it was more than that. Actually it was much more than that... and other words should be used to describe it... I just don't want to use them.

 

How about her daughter... do you realise how it must has been affecting her. When a person she trust the most in entire world, her own mother, is telling her that she is delusional... laughing at her there was no man there... only to cover her own ass because she was in "fever" and couldn't restrain herself from f...ing OM in her house.

 

If considering the above her husband still decides to give it a try... than he deserves that he has been cheated on. If he dosen't respect himself... why would she?

 

But you and a few others want to naively believe how she has changed. No, she has not... the circumstances around her has changed... not her. It is still all about her and she switched to "damage control" mode.

 

But don't get me wrong... I don't want anything bad happened to her only because she is who she is.

[bentnotbroken]

I honestly don't think she has changed or will change. I am just glad that her H has the facts now and can decide for himself which direction his life will take.

[Athena]

Also, where ever you and OM "did it", get rid of that piece of furniture immediately. If was the sofa, get a new one. The bed, etc...

... if it was the floor, replace it... kitchen counter, table top... oh wait this might start getting expensive... just throw out a few token pieces of furniture, H will be none the wiser.

[lostsunsets]

Though you should lose your children for lying to your daughter and gaslighting her. You will not lose them. The marriage that you have now will be nothing like the marriage b4 you had sex with OM. Your husband will be a completely different person. He will suffer from PTSD. It could make him angry, or try to cover it up with drink. His mind will play the movie of you having sex with the guy over and over and over again. He will never look at you the same again. He may still love you but his pain will be mixed with it.

 

I have described this situation b4, He is like the horse and the burning barn. Sometimes when there is a barn fire and they pull out the livestock. If given the opportunity a horse or several will run back in to the burning barn. They do this because that is where they feel safe. YOU ARE YOUR HUSBAND BURNING BARN. He will want to run to your arms for comfort. But when you take him in your arms, he will almost immediately recoil because of the pain you have/are putting him through.

 

He has a harder row to hoe then you do. You see he either has to forgive you or leave you. If he doesn't forgive you, he knows after some time you will cheat again. Its in your nature. And over time you will be able to justify it again. Remember how you blamed the OMs wife for calling your husband. You screwed this man for months on end and at times you even laughed at how stupid your husband was. This doesn't mean that you also didn't feel guilt too. You also derided your husband to the other man. In tying to connect with him and justify your actions you probably said many horrible things about your husband as he did about his wife, over that seven month afair.

 

If your husband is like most betrayed husbands, he will wonder how he stacks up against the other man in bed. Naturally he will believe that he is in some way inferior to him because you wouldn't have wanted his penis in you if your husband was ringing your bell. So this will most likely make sex awkward between you (another hit against your marriage). You may experience hysterical bonding (insatiable sex desire)with him or him with you. This could be for awhile. Or he may not want to touch at all. There really is no telling. You need to be extremely patient and just take what he dishes out short of beating you up. Good luck.

[65tr6]

I have to admit I am a bit lost after reading your post... have you read her posts? Especially the early ones?

 

Nope, I have not read earlier posts....Does it matter ? She is in love with OM...reasoning wont work. That does not mean she does not deserve second chance....provided she admits everything to her husband, asks for forgiveness, truely is remorseful and is willing to work on her marriage. Here is the sad reality. Her husband will more than likely kick her out for good and file for divorce. (He has every right by the way) and it is the kids who will suffer.

 

There is no guarantee her marriage can be saved but there is that 0.00001% chance that she could if she gave it 1000% right now. I am encouraging OP to put in that 1000% right NOW !

 

What makes you think that I believe she changed ?

 

If we say that she completely disrespected her husband, her own children, and herself by brinking her OM to her house because she couldn't control herself... .

 

so did my wife. I cringed when she said that. When woman have affairs and are emotionally involved....then give it all....They are completely f* up. They think they found their soulmate/their love. They rewrite history. They are "broken". They make no f* sense. They dont CARE about anyone. They destroy anyone in their path. Including their own innocent kids. You can practically make them do anything. That is how powerful that s* is.

 

But you and a few others want to naively believe how she has changed. No, she has not... the circumstances around her has changed... not her. It is still all about her and she switched to "damage control" mode..

 

Nope, i dont believe OP changed at all. All I said was "she did the right thing" by admitting the affair to her husband. That is the first step.

 

Bottom line, it does not matter what and how she did it....she f* betrayed her husband. Assuming her husband is willing to give her second chance, what is wrong in both of them working it out ?

[Athena]

 

What makes you think that I believe she changed ?

___________________

 

Nope, i dont believe OP changed at all. All I said was "she did the right thing" by admitting the affair to her husband. That is the first step.

____________________

 

Assuming her husband is willing to give her second chance, what is wrong in both of them working it out ?

 

What is wrong is that she is working 'it' out for now, and then later on, when the crisis is over, she can relax and become selfish again... She needs to work on her selfishness, which is VERY apparent from her earlier posts, not the later ones (since she picked up on poster's negative comments about that part of her personality).

[samprez]

OM was right about the P.I. How about that he actually called to warn her and moved on, for now.

 

I feel for this woman and her family. Here's hoping this works out for the best, no matter what that is.

[Darth Vader]

Good, he has leverage now, unless he realizes that in a divorce, unless you are a drug addict, physical abuser, etc, that you will get custody if you want it. Doesn't matter who you boned, how many times, or where. Cheating, unfortunately, doesn't have any bearing on custody.

 

 

 

 

good for him. usually a beaten down man ends up leaving the house when the cheater should be the one to do so.

 

 

 

 

Well, since you boffed the man in his house, I'd say the house goes up for sale. I wouldn't want to spend another day in it after finding that out.

 

 

 

 

Well get used to it for a LONG while. Even if he decides to keep the marriage intact, this is the scar you left him with. It will be a LONG time before any of his anger subsides. You may even have to put up with it for months, maybe a couple years. And nobody could blame him for feeling the way he does.

 

 

 

 

Nah, you won't lose them. If your husband wants a divorce...it doesn't matter what you did. Unfortunately, adultery/infidelity doesn't play a factor in division of marital assets or custody. And since you are the woman, if you want custoday, you WILL get custody. he could try to fight it and draw it out, but it will be a futile attempt. Crappy deal for him...you cheat, and he ends up having to pay you for the privelidge of not seeing his children on a daily basis.

 

So you won't lose your kids. As my attorney said to me, "you won't get custody if your wife wants it.....you have a dick." and this is one of the dirtiest fighting attorneys around.

 

I'm glad your husband knows the truth now. The ball is in his court and he is in a desperation/shock/anger stage right now. Once he snaps out of that, except for the anger, he will be able to think more clearly and decide what he wants to do.

 

You may just luck out and he decides to keep the marriage. But don't kid yourself, he'll still think about what you did to him alot. The marriage will never be the same. If he decides to forgive and keep the marriage, it might become good over time, but it will be different.

 

Nonetheless, you will NEVER be the woman he thought he married and things will never be completely at peace with him deep down. He may just be one of the many fathers that decide to keep the marriage because they think they are doing right by the kids.

 

But either way, you won't lose the kids. You are the mother. They will give you custody if you want it. Crappy situation all around for your husband to be in.

 

 

I don't know, Dexter, I've read on these forums that something like 90% of all men don't fight for custody, but, of the 10% that do, 90% of men get it!

 

Now with her having sex with the OM in the house, then her daughter seeing this strange man in the house, wouldn't it be classified as endangering the child by her affair, although nothing happened to her?

 

Poor child, she must be so confused, she needs to know the truth that she DID see a man, but, I don't know if she's of age to know everything. However, girls do seem to mature at a younger age, so she may know full well what had transpired between her mother and OM, perhaps hearing something...... Of course this part is only speculation.

[troubadour]

What is wrong is that she is working 'it' out for now, and then later on, when the crisis is over, she can relax and become selfish again... She needs to work on her selfishness, which is VERY apparent from her earlier posts, not the later ones (since she picked up on poster's negative comments about that part of her personality).

 

 

Athena... I doubt it is possible to successfully work on selfishness issue... it is emotional deficiency. It is like trying to talk to a daltonist about the colors... you can talk and talk but at the end he is still color blind and is not going to see them.

 

I hope you are doing fine with your teaching gig.

[blueintheface]

samprez

OM was right about the P.I. How about that he actually called to warn her and moved on, for now.

 

 

oh look at that samprez, i guess it means he sure is a great guy!

2 different opinions were given to the situation and just because we now have hindsight does not mean either of those 2 opinions previously (ie good intentions versus questionable intentions) were any less important.

 

My take is he is not moving on. He is sheetting his pants.

[samprez]

BINTF:

 

This site is wonderful because it allows people to share their experiences and emotions about this difficult topic. If your read my experience in OW you will see that I've learned on people here. I've even PM'd some folks for additional support.

 

However, one of the over arching problems is that many posters have a very black and white view of the participants in an affair. I don't. I think that people make mistakes by making bad choices one at a time that lead to bigger problems. It's sort of like wading into the ocean, one minute someone is on the beach front; the next over their heads. I don't think that affairs are black and white and that whenever we are dealing with human beings and emotions, we are dealing in a blackhole. It is not simple to broadly paint anyone with that brush.

 

My point above was that Confused stated that MM had warned her that there was a PI, stated he was working hard on his marriage and asked for nothing in response, and was RIGHT that there was a PI. Warning her for whatever reason wasn't a bad thing for him to do as we are all people who can still care for or have concern for someone; no matter how a relationship started, ended or happened.

 

I will NOT paint anyone on this board who has been involved in a black and white fashion and I will give props when someone does something right. I'm in IC and I'm learning about the concepts of integrity and conduct.

 

There are some posters on this thread about Confused that are clearly taking very harsh stands on very bad behavior and lecturing her. Motivation is something none of us can every really know about another person; however, living vicariously through someone elses experience out here won't erase the pain a WS is suffering at home.

 

The advice here is done in a well intentioned way, but we all lack all of the details to understand all of the nuances of any one of the thousands of situations people post about. All of our advice has to be taken with a grain of salt. Mine included.

 

MM was stand up to me in the end because he offered a warning without expectation of return. People in A's can have real feelings for one another and remain empathetic or sympathetic to OW/OM after the fire burns out. We're all human.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know, Dexter, I've read on these forums that something like 90% of all men don't fight for custody, but, of the 10% that do, 90% of men get it!

 

Thats because whatever percentage of men that get custody had a case. Their x-wives were deemed unfit...drug addict...physical abuse...criminal record...mental instability...etc.

 

If all they have to fight with is their wives were cheaters, that isn't taken into consideration. Cheating, to the courts, is far from reason enough to deem a mother unfit.

 

Believe me, if infidelity came into play, you better believe I'd have fought for custody. I've said it before, my attorney, and he is ruthless, said I have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she is unfit and unfortunately, and this was his words, "f#cking other men won't matter one bit" and that if I fight it with nothing else to pin on her that I will lose because I have "a d!ck".

 

 

Now with her having sex with the OM in the house, then her daughter seeing this strange man in the house, wouldn't it be classified as endangering the child by her affair, although nothing happened to her?

 

 

You'd think so, but no, it won't matter. Pretty f####d up eh?

[bentnotbroken]

 

You'd think so, but no, it won't matter. Pretty f####d up eh?

 

 

Dex, I think that depends on the state and local attitudes. I grew up in a small rural town, they didn't take kindly to cheating women there. They usually lost physical custody of their children to their EX, but not visitation rights. It has probably changed some since I left, but I wonder how much???HHMMM Something to research. I have a friend who got his child because his wife was deemed unfit because of the number of lies she told school, friends, job about health issues she didn't really have. She used these sob stories to get people to give her money to help with medical bills. My friend didn't know all of this was going on until someone finally asked him how was his wife doing?

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex, I think that depends on the state and local attitudes. I grew up in a small rural town, they didn't take kindly to cheating women there. They usually lost physical custody of their children to their EX, but not visitation rights. It has probably changed some since I left, but I wonder how much???HHMMM Something to research. I have a friend who got his child because his wife was deemed unfit because of the number of lies she told school, friends, job about health issues she didn't really have. She used these sob stories to get people to give her money to help with medical bills. My friend didn't know all of this was going on until someone finally asked him how was his wife doing?

 

I don't know where you lived, but the law isn't supposed to be influenced by a judge's "opinion" of a wife's cheating.

 

And in any case, if what you say is true, then it is rare that a man would be able to get custody based on infidelity.

 

Trust me, I had the best attorney around, and he said it would be a waste of time and money to go for custody based on infidelity. He told me it doesn't enter the equation. He said cheating doesn't make her enough of a "bitch" in the eyes of the law to warrant giving me custody.

 

And the bolded part shows a pattern and has nothing to do with infidelity. Seems to me he got custody because she tried to commit fraud.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know where you lived, but the law isn't supposed to be influenced by a judge's "opinion" of a wife's cheating.

 

And in any case, if what you say is true, then it is rare that a man would be able to get custody based on infidelity.

 

Trust me, I had the best attorney around, and he said it would be a waste of time and money to go for custody based on infidelity. He told me it doesn't enter the equation. He said cheating doesn't make her enough of a "bitch" in the eyes of the law to warrant giving me custody.

 

And the bolded part shows a pattern and has nothing to do with infidelity. Seems to me he got custody because she tried to commit fraud.

 

 

You could be right. I would love to do a case study on how many and why men get custody. Is it what the stats are in different regions in the country.

[blueintheface]

samprez

 

i c! thanks for taking the time to explain. =) sometimes being on loveshack, i feel like i've been cheated on 20 times over. xD

[confusedmomnb]

It's been tough for me to get online. My husband made me give up the internet after my last post and I'm logged at a girlfriends house. I wanted to get out to this site and update you all.

 

My husbands detective gave him a report. My husband let him have access to my computer and even though I deleted my emails they were able to find them and print them out. Really bad stuff. I had forgotten what had been written because my relationship had been so long and there were so many words exchanged. It was really bad stuff. I thought things were getting a little warmer in the house and he came home from work with a folder. After dinner and the kids were asleep he came in the kitchen where I was sitting with a cup of coffee and slide the folder across the table at me.

 

I didn't know what was in it and when I opened it, my heart skipped a beat and my breath disappeared. In order by date were all of the emails that I had sent or received about the a since last year. In one thread, MM and I were discussing that terrible night at my house and I said some things in those emails that were really bad. I reallly couldn't believe what either of us had written (I'll spair the detail but it was really bad for me to have engaged in this with him).

 

When I finished reading them I looked up and he said, "It's over. We're done and I can't be with you. We'll figure this out with the chidlren but I can't stay with you."

 

While I'm not at home right now, I'm still in the house. We're staying in different rooms after the kids go to sleep. We haven't said one word to one another about anything other than the kids. Except this afternoon my husband told me that tomorrow he's meeting with his attorney to put together his paperwork. He wants to speak with the children this week together. While he knows what happened he doesn't want the kids to lose their mom, but he's disgusted and will do everything he can to make things hard on me personally.

 

I tried to reach MM to tell him but he hasn't responded to my text messages and when I call his cell phone I get a busy signal. I can't believe he's run now after everything and I have noone to really turn to. Our friends don't know much except that we're having some trouble. I'm really scared about things and I'm going to call my mom in the morning and tell her what's going on. I hope she'll have love for her daughter.

 

I've told my husband I want to work it out but those emails weren't what he was hoping to find. I can see that his eyes have an emptiness to them. I know I caused this. Some of you out on this board will like this outcome but I'm in disbelief of how this all came about so quickly and how much lives have been ruined.

 

My IC has been just ok. I have a lot of things running through my head and I feel really guilty. I have to run now will try and post later if I can.

[bentnotbroken]

I am glad that your husband has the truth, yes. Am I glad a family is being shattered no. You children are going to be hurt beyond belief. And your H,:eek:let's just say the road is about to get really rocky. I don't personally enjoy any one's pain(well there are a few people I would like to see itch a little), but we all have to accept the fall out of our actions.

[Athena]

I would encourage you to stick with IC for a long, long, time. You simply must look at yourself. It's not just a matter of infidelity, its about your selfishness and what you are willing to do to put your needs first.

 

When I finished reading them I looked up and he said, "It's over. We're done and I can't be with you. We'll figure this out with the chidlren but I can't stay with you."

Now WHY did YOU say this?? Howcome you get to cheat, AND call the shots about the M... just recently you were telling H you wanted to stay with him, and now when he finally gets to the truth, you change your mind?

Why not do your best to make it up to him, and let HIM decide whether or not he wants to be with you? I just don't get how you changed your mind because H knows what you wrote... either you truly want to work on your M or not... your "pride" shouldn't be dictating you at this point.

Besides, HE should be the one saying He doesn't want to be with You... not you...causing him more pain, huh?!

 

 

I tried to reach MM to tell him but he hasn't responded to my text messages and when I call his cell phone I get a busy signal.

I really do not suggest you try contact MM!!!! This is terrible. You are supposed to be on your H's side, not MM. You should not ever contact MM again... not just so as to do what you can for your M and your H, but out of respect to MM's M.

 

*but he's disgusted and will do everything he can to make things hard on me personally.

 

* I can't believe he's run now after everything and I have noone to really turn to.

 

*I've told my husband I want to work it out but those emails weren't what he was hoping to find. I can see that his eyes have an emptiness to them. I know I caused this.

* Some of you out on this board will like this outcome but I'm in disbelief of how this all came about so quickly and how much lives have been ruined.

 

 

These sentences above just scream out "No fair, No fair, me, me, me"....

 

Oh -- and I am not "liking this outcome"... I am shaking MY head.

[seibert253]

Hope it was all worth it. We reap what we sow and our sins shall surely find us out. I don't wish ill will upon you or anyone, but you're getting what you deserve.

[sky1200]

This is for Athena:

 

When I finished reading them I looked up and he said, "It's over. We're done and I can't be with you. We'll figure this out with the chidlren but I can't stay with you."