Me of All People

[Untouchable_Fire]

All, I promise you this isn't a fake post. I've had several bouts of depression in my life and I've been in counseling several times on my own. I'm so upset with my MM wife and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down. When we went NC I was praying this would go away. We all make mistakes. MM has honored the NC but I was just floored when my husband called me to tell me about his conversation.

I'm so confused and sad.

 

I read the first post and thought it was a fake too. It's sad to know there are such completely self centered people out there.

 

Bottom line... You chose to mess around with her marriage... how can you be upset when she tells your husband some of what you have been up to!

 

Honestly, I'm really struggling to say constructive things here. Do you really think that you are entitled to an affair? Do you believe that this is all your husbands fault for not meeting your emotional needs?

 

I did the same thing as you! So I should understand where your coming from, but I dont, because when I got caught I knew it was all my fault. I knew that I had been selfish, and I fully intended to end my marriage. Also, I was completely honest as to the extent of things.

 

It hurt my Ex for a while but it has helped her move on immensely. It hurt me for a while... but the honesty I forged there has helped me in EVERY aspect of my life.

 

The point is that you have a choice in front of you. Be honest, accept the consequences and start becoming a decent human being... OR continue to be a selfish f***tard, wreck every life you touch, and spend the rest of your life wondering why the universe treats you so unfairly.

 

Those of us that go into affairs thinking we will never be caught are not the brightest crayon in the box. While some don't get found out, the majority do.

I personally went into my EA not caring if I got caught - & I did.

His wife was RIGHT ON to call your husband! I would have done the same thing. (And, I think you would have too)...Why should her life be upset & in termoil while yours gets to just go on in it's "imaginary happiness".....Unfair I say!

 

That was my issue too. I just didn't care if I got caught... in fact I expected it.

[confusedmomnb]

I know I'm to blame and I felt bad that my MM was in MC and caught, but I was happy to be away from the situation. I was feeling better about myself and then this bomb. I know I was part of this relationship, but I thought it was over. Now I can see that it won't ever end. I know my MM didn't call himself, but his wife knew enough detail when she spoke to my husband, that he's been talking.

 

My kids are going to be so let down. I can't believe I did this.

 

My husband and I have been to marriage councelling at different times in our marriage but I still ended up here; in an affair. How could this happen? I thought we understood each other. I'm not really blaming him, but he knows what I'm missing in my life and the MM was giving it to me.

 

I'm mad at everyone involved with this, and mad at myself.

[troubadour]

"I have kids and wasn't going to disappoint them by leaving their dad."

 

This is one of the most entertaining threads in a long time... it really is.

 

Did you also think about your kids when you were spreading your legs for OM in your own house? I am asking seriously...?

[stampdaddy]

I know I'm to blame and I felt bad that my MM was in MC and caught, but I was happy to be away from the situation. I was feeling better about myself and then this bomb. I know I was part of this relationship, but I thought it was over. Now I can see that it won't ever end. I know my MM didn't call himself, but his wife knew enough detail when she spoke to my husband, that he's been talking.

 

My kids are going to be so let down. I can't believe I did this.

 

My husband and I have been to marriage councelling at different times in our marriage but I still ended up here; in an affair. How could this happen? I thought we understood each other. I'm not really blaming him, but he knows what I'm missing in my life and the MM was giving it to me.

 

I'm mad at everyone involved with this, and mad at myself.

 

HEY!!!! you are right. This ain't over. Answer my question: what is going to happen WHEN the PA part of all of this comes out over at MM's house? What happens when MM's wifey calls your hubby? what then?

[GorillaTheater]

I'm glad to see that you're at least partially owning up to what you've done. Frankly, you came across in your first couple of posts as utterly selfish and oblivious. But you still appear to be blaming your H for your affair ("he didn't meet my needs"). That's a cop-out. You iether work on your marriage, or work on your divorce. There is never a justifiable reason to cheat.

 

So what now? Do you want to work on your marriage or work on your divorce? You have to choose, and quickly.

[confusedmomnb]

"I have kids and wasn't going to disappoint them by leaving their dad."

 

This is one of the most entertaining threads in a long time... it really is.

 

Did you also think about your kids when you were spreading your legs for OM in your own house? I am asking seriously...?

 

Clearly not. I thought I was in love. I can't even believe he was in my house let alone that we were together. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I had to deal with my daughter and I've never felt so low. I'm saddened by what I've done.

[confusedmomnb]

HEY!!!! you are right. This ain't over. Answer my question: what is going to happen WHEN the PA part of all of this comes out over at MM's house? What happens when MM's wifey calls your hubby? what then?

 

I think that my marriage will likely end. I'm very scared and I don't want to be alone. I don't know how to handle this, which is why I'm posting here.

[troubadour]

I'm glad to see that you're at least partially owning up to what you've done. Frankly, you came across in your first couple of posts as utterly selfish and oblivious. But you still appear to be blaming your H for your affair ("he didn't meet my needs"). That's a cop-out. You iether work on your marriage, or work on your divorce. There is never a justifiable reason to cheat.

 

So what now? Do you want to work on your marriage or work on your divorce? You have to choose, and quickly.

 

 

She is utterly selfish and oblivious!

[stampdaddy]

I think that my marriage will likely end. I'm very scared and I don't want to be alone. I don't know how to handle this, which is why I'm posting here.

 

Now listen. Others have said it and I am going to scream it. You HAVE to be 100% honest with your husband TODAY. Not tomorrow or next week or next month. TODAY. You need to give him the ENTIRE box of truth and let him root through it. Let him know what exactly he is dealing with. It is not only FAIR, but it is the ONLY chance you would stand in possibly saving your marriage. Because, what happens when you LIE to him some more, and more and more and THEN the MM's wife gives him the truth? How would you be a'fairing then (yes, pun intended)

[GorillaTheater]

I think that my marriage will likely end. I'm very scared and I don't want to be alone. I don't know how to handle this, which is why I'm posting here.

 

Like I said before, you have to tell him yourself. The entire truth. If you do that, your marriage may have a shot. If your H finds out from the OM's wife or anybody else, hang it up. You owe your husband the truth. If you then make it clear by your actions (as opposed to mere words) that you're very remorseful and 110% dedicated to making the marriage work, you have a chance.

[stampdaddy]

She is utterly selfish and oblivious!

 

time to stop with the insults please... we get it

[2sure]

No, honestly I dont think you are saddened by what you have done. By your words and actions you are saddened that you got caught, that you are no longer able to contact MM.

 

In the past, when you broke it off, you would contact him and he would respond. Now he cant.

 

When your daughter caught him in your home - it didnt change your actions, you continued the affair.

 

By having the A - you and MM took action. Actions have consequences - good and bad. The good was that you enjoyed the affair. The bad is that you got caught. You were willing to partake of the good consequences...but somehow feel the bad consequences should be born only by OM's wife.

 

She called your H because she is aware to recover from this, the victims of the actions need to be YOU and MM.

 

If you are depressed, it is because you are being forced to deal with the consequences of your actions.

 

You go caught with another man in your home BY YOUR DAUGHTER. Yet, it didnt faze you.

 

Amazing.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think that my marriage will likely end. I'm very scared and I don't want to be alone. I don't know how to handle this, which is why I'm posting here.

 

Do not be afraid of your marriage ending! For heavens sake if you really wanted it you would never have done this!

 

If you want to even have a CHANCE of keeping your husband, you need to be 110% honest with him... Right now!

 

My Wife gave me a second chance because I was proactively honest... and even though it didn't work out... It gave me a chance to try my best... and that gave us both closure... and the ability to move forward.

 

My kids are going to be so let down. I can't believe I did this.

 

My husband and I have been to marriage councelling at different times in our marriage but I still ended up here; in an affair. How could this happen? I thought we understood each other. I'm not really blaming him, but he knows what I'm missing in my life and the MM was giving it to me.

 

I'm mad at everyone involved with this, and mad at myself.

 

Your husband is asking himself right now... was it physical? You know he is!

 

Your biggest mistake was in thinking that this whole thing would just go away. It never does.

 

How is your self esteem? Do you even like yourself? Cause I can tell you... when I was a liar... I hated myself.

[blueintheface]

I'm glad to see that you're at least partially owning up to what you've done.

 

maybe i'm missing something but i don't see the "partially owning up to what you've done" at all. there's a weak attempt but most of the blame is to OM's wife, OM and BS.

[reservoirdog1]

Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us.

 

I'm struggling. I'm a good person, I thought and now I have this pain in my life.

She didn't "bring this pain to [your] home". You did that. And you also brought it into her home, by banging her husband. By taking the position you have, you're blameshifting and failing to take responsibility for your destructive actions.

 

She didn't owe you any allegiance. In fact, since you are in every sense an enemy of her marriage -- the enemy of the most fundamentally important institution in her life, namely her family unit -- she probably had a moral right to do a lot more. Telling your husband about the affair was exactly what she should have done. At least that way your husband has some idea (incomplete though it may be) of what you've really been up to, and can take steps to (a) get tested for STDs to safeguard his health, (b) make decisions about his life armed with more complete information, which decisions you've very selfishly made for him up until now, and © determine what's in the best long-term interests of the children.

 

Your husband had a right to know that the partner he believed was faithful and loyal was, in actuality, not. You could have come clean yourself, and chose not to. Instead, the OM's W told him what you should have told him. This is a classic case of "don't shoot the messenger".

 

I say all of this to hopefully shake you out of your poor-me mindset. YOU brought this mess into your life, not her. Once you can see that and take responsibility for your actions -- oh, and hopefully, tell your husband the FULL truth -- then, and only then, will you stand a chance of repairing the damage you've done.

[stampdaddy]

your ANSWER is here. You are new here, but I can tell you that most if not all of the posters that have commented to you are good folks that are genuinely trying to help you and yes, your husband/family..

 

There is ONLY one thing to do, the RIGHT thing. You will regret it the rest of your life if you don't, no matter how it turns out. That is a promise!!!

 

Good luck!

[confusedmomnb]

No, honestly I dont think you are saddened by what you have done. By your words and actions you are saddened that you got caught, that you are no longer able to contact MM.

 

In the past, when you broke it off, you would contact him and he would respond. Now he cant.

 

When your daughter caught him in your home - it didnt change your actions, you continued the affair.

 

By having the A - you and MM took action. Actions have consequences - good and bad. The good was that you enjoyed the affair. The bad is that you got caught. You were willing to partake of the good consequences...but somehow feel the bad consequences should be born only by OM's wife.

 

She called your H because she is aware to recover from this, the victims of the actions need to be YOU and MM.

 

If you are depressed, it is because you are being forced to deal with the consequences of your actions.

 

You go caught with another man in your home BY YOUR DAUGHTER. Yet, it didnt faze you.

 

Amazing.

 

I know. I know. I was totally caught up in how good the MM made me feel. The thing with my daughter is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. I should have run then, but I really thought I loved the him. He was very upset by this too, but also thought we had a real relationship.

 

I am not trying to sound selfish but tell how I feel. I never intended to hurt anyone, MM, his W and my H included. I don't know how to really fix this.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't know how to really fix this.

 

I don't know that you can, but you've been told repeatedly the steps you need to take. Folks here will help you if they can.

 

But I still don't know the answer to the question posed: Do you want to try to save your marriage or do you want a divorce?

[2sure]

I am not trying to sound selfish but tell how I feel. I never intended to hurt anyone, MM, his W and my H included. I don't know how to really fix this.[/quote]

 

Whew. I'm mad at you , you know that right?

But I've made my own mistakes so cannot throw stones too hard.

 

Look, I am going to give you a good piece of advice.

The first thing you need to understand is that this CANNOT BE "FIXED".

 

I'm a fixer. I like to repair damage, especially damage Ive done myself. I understand your anxiety. I understand your spinning out of control feeling.

This cannot be fixed.

Let that idea go.

 

That is not to say you , your husband, and your marriage cannot recover.

But for you - the first step of the process is going to have to begin with :

YOU cannot fix this.

[Dexter Morgan]

Married for 15 years. Mother of 3. Just ended an affair with a man whom I knew many years ago. Been lurking out here, so I'll try to tell the story as clearly as possible.

 

This was a full affair, EA and PA. Connected online after many, many years of not being in touch and developed an immediate connection. Met for drinks the first night, hand holding and petting. Continued to meet for dinners throughout the end of last summer. Each time we were together the touching got more intense on both of our parts. One night, my husband was traveling and I had dinner with MM and brought him to my home. 2 of my children were in the house, sleeping.

 

 

despicable, just despicable...as if cheating wasn't enough so already.

 

 

 

He was great, very supportive. We told each other we loved one another, but I was always clear I wasn't leaving my husband.

 

Too bad for your husband. he'd be better off without you.

 

 

My H and I have been to MC on multiple occassions in our life together, he's a great father and and good guy, but I feel like he doesn't listen to me or always meeting my emotional needs. My MM did. He really seemed to understand me.

 

Of course he does. its new sex to him, and to you. He doesn't have the daily burden of living out life and the trials of being married to you or raising your family. when there is no baggage, its pretty easy to think that.

On the other hand if you and him were married and raising kids, you'd be in the same situation with him after a period of time.

 

 

Anyway, MM and I fought sometimes like couples do and I think he was ready to leave his w for me and I told him not too. I reminded him that I wasn't leaving my h.

 

so why won't you leave your husband? You are all prepared and willing to cheat on the poor guy, but you won't do him the favor of setting him free from you? free from a cheater? Scared to leave the comfortable family life?

 

 

His wife found about the affair and he started going to MC and we were still in touch. I finally decided to end it with him about a month ago and thought it was over. Last Friday his wife called my husband at his work and told him about the EA part of the A, not the PA. My husband had suspected for sometime that there was something going on with me and MM; whom he knew had been in contact. Now everything is blowing up for me.

 

I am glad your husband is no longer in the dark and knows the truth. He deserves the truth.

 

 

My husband made me delete all of my email accounts and is checking my phone. I haven't spoken to MM since I told him I couldn't do this any more, and he's respected me with NC. But I'm dying here. Feel guitly, my H is really upset and I feel like I'm all alone.

 

Why did his wife call my husband?

 

 

for revenge on you and because your husband deserves to know he is married to a cheating woman.

 

 

Why couldn't he prevent that from happening?

 

Because your MM doesn't control his wife. Especially after finding out her husband is a snake in the grass, SHE wears the pants now...or at the very least should.

 

 

 

I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home.

 

???? Why so surprised? You, along with her worthless husband, brought pain down on her.

 

Besides...she didn't bring that pain to your home...YOU DID.

 

 

 

I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us.

 

I'm struggling. I'm a good person, I thought and now I have this pain in my life.

 

So basically you expected to get off scott free with what you did?

 

Bottom line, your husband deserved to know the truth. You need to suffer the consequences of your actions.

 

so rather than feeling sorry for yourself, maybe you ought to be more in tune with the fact that even though your husband found out, seems he isn't willing to just go out and divorce you...which is what I'd have suggested to him.

 

So maybe you should take his forgiveness and run with it and be less concerned with what the MM and his wife are doing. Because it seems that the only thing you are concerned with is that fact that you didn't get away with this.

 

If you are truly concerned about your marriage, then stop being "whoa is me", feeling sorry for yourself, and start concentrating on your husbands needs right now. He is in a world of pain because of you and you worrying about your pain is, sorry to say, irrelevant right now.

[Dexter Morgan]

unfortunately, you seem to be living in a kind of ignorance about the whole thing ... you consider yourself a good person, yet cannot comprehend that "this pain" is solely your doing.

 

And every time I hear a story of someone f#####g other people outside their marriage, especially trying to justify it, and then I hear, "I am a good person"....my first thought is

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm so upset with my MM wife

 

the only person you should be upset with is yourself.

 

The MM's wife's actions are understandable, and would be supported by many. Only people that wouldn't support the wife's need to out the woman who screwed her husband is the people that want to get away with, or see people get away with cheating.

 

 

and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down.

 

you have only yourself to blame.

 

 

When we went NC I was praying this would go away.

 

You mean you were wanting to get away with f#####g another man and hoped your H would never find out.

 

 

We all make mistakes.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. You screwed another man because you wanted to.

Call it a lousy character based judgement call if you will....but it wasn't a mistake.

[Dexter Morgan]

WHy did the MM's wife ONLY mention the EA?? Because she has been lied to and doesnt know about the PA? When does that bus arrive?

 

good point, her poor husband STILL doesn't know the whole truth.

 

Man do I feel for him.

[confusedmomnb]

I am scared. We have a good life in our community and I've been a good mom. I don't want things to end with my h, but I was so caught up with MM. I was very clear that I wasn't leaving my husband but he never caught on. He seemed to not believe me.

 

I have been trying but my husband isn't interested in talking to me too much right now.

[Owl]

Then INSIST on resuming MC as an emergency action...RIGHT NOW.

 

And through the course of that...you absolutely need to do a "full disclosure" of the rest of the affair with him as well.

 

Anything less is more likely to end your marriage...a marriage can NEVER be rebuilt on dishonesty. Trust will never be rebuilt.