Me of All People

[GorillaTheater]

confusedmomnb what you need to do now is quit posting here and think about your next move is.

 

I'd qualify that by saying "quit posting for now". You've gotten all the advice you need for the time being, now you need to take action. Come back often and let us know how things are going, and there will be alot of folks here who can help guide you along the way.

[pkn06002]

I'd qualify that by saying "quit posting for now". You've gotten all the advice you need for the time being, now you need to take action. Come back often and let us know how things are going, and there will be alot of folks here who can help guide you along the way.

 

I tried to change my post so something like that but I was not quick enough to get the edit in.

[redfathom]

PKN, I think you were right with the quit posting, but more like stop trying to justify your behavior to us and start trying to fix this mess you made. Which I think is good advice. If the OP wants to update us on her progress or lack of progress I am sure we would all like to listen and offer more advice if needed. But the OP does need to get back into REALITY which she has been escaping for months first with her MM and now for the past few hours with us.

[pkn06002]

PKN, I think you were right with the quit posting, but more like stop trying to justify your behavior to us and start trying to fix this mess you made. Which I think is good advice. If the OP wants to update us on her progress or lack of progress I am sure we would all like to listen and offer more advice if needed. But the OP does need to get back into REALITY which she has been escaping for months first with her MM and now for the past few hours with us.

 

Oh there is a reason I said that.

 

I have been down this road and it can get very ugly going back and forth with people about this. Because most people when attacked will defend themselves and it only spirals from there. When you first come out of the affair is is all about justification in your mind. NO ONE can tell you different, so you just argue and argue and it gets bad, so a break is good.

 

I did this on a site not as forgiving as here as well and it becomes counter productive. As you said she needs to go back to the real world.

[redfathom]

This site does have some nice posters, especially compared to MSN...they are just mean. At least here you get some advice when you're told what a jerk you are.

 

I understand it's all a phase. It's like the the 5 stages of greif: denial, anger, bargening, fear, acceptance. Everyone will expereince at least two not in any order when they grieve over something. This could be the OP's marriage, her MM lover, her reputation, etc.

 

I think the justification part is denial and of course they come her suggesting ways to right what has been wronged but wanting to bargin with themselves on the best way to do that. "If I am forgiven, I will be the best wife and I will never x, y, z." "If I can just not tell H about the PA part of the affair, I promise to never cheat again, to be a better wife and mother, etc."

[lostsoulmate]

It is OK to be scared.

It is OK to feel.

It is OK to be you.

You are not a bad person. IMO I think you made a mistake.

Yes I think cheating is a mistake.

If your husband knows part of the truth, tell him the rest.

If he leaves, or stays and works on the relationship with you.

 

What happens is what you make of it.

 

Good luck, take everything you read here with a grain of salt.

Only you know what is right for your situation and it is OK for the decisions to be hard to make.

[whichwayisup]

Don't stop posting and re-reading what's been said here. And most of all, don't take anything here as a negative. Everyone IS trying to help you, it may not seem that way as some posts are harsher than others but everyone has your best interest at heart. If they didn't, they wouldn't have replied in the first place.

 

I hope you come clean with your H tonight and come back here soon so we can guide you along this road you're on now..

[Dexter Morgan]

I am scared. We have a good life in our community and I've been a good mom. I don't want things to end with my h, but I was so caught up with MM. I was very clear that I wasn't leaving my husband but he never caught on. He seemed to not believe me.

 

So you were relying on the MM to break the affair? You knew you didn't want to leave the marriage...don't you think it is YOU that didn't catch on?

 

 

I have been trying but my husband isn't interested in talking to me too much right now.

 

well of course not. he has just been dealt the biggest blow anyone could take besides finding out they have a terminal illness.

 

You can better believe he is reeling inside and what you did to him, for a little while, will consume his every thought.

 

When I found out about my xW cheating, I didn't want to talk to her either for the first few weeks. I made it a point to leave the house during the evening every night and went to the gym. Took my frustrations out on the bench press.

 

But again, what good is your husband talking to you right now anyway? You seem to be fixated on why the MM's wife decided to rat you out. Seems your concerns are misguided.

 

and lets not forget, you'd still be in this affair with MM if he didnt get caught by his wife. Its not like you came to him all remorseful and told him you ended the affair because you wanted to keep him as a husband....he had to find out from someone else and the fact that you'd still be boning the other man if it wasn't for his wife finding out.

[Dexter Morgan]

I understand what you mean, but I've never done anything like this before and I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think part of my punishment is that I'm now the one who is very hurt along with my husband. I'm a good mother too, I'm dedicated to my kids. I can't all of a sudden become a bad person because I made a bad choice, can I? Please don't tell me that.

 

I'm not going to tell you that you are a bad person, I just have to shake my head when someone is cheating, only stopped because they were found out, and tells everyone that they are a good person.

 

But if you aren't a bad person, then tell your husband the COMPLETE truth. He only knows what the MM's wife told him and the MM's wife only told him that it was an EA.

 

Tell him that it was a physical affair as well. Otherwise you are still lying to him.

 

I don't think MM is a bad guy either,

 

Nah, hes a saint for cheating on his wife:rolleyes:

[Dexter Morgan]

I think he will leave me if I tell him about the PA.

 

then honestly, thats all the more reason TO tell him. If he has information that is being kept from him that might change everything, then the decision on what to do with his life should be HIS, not yours.

 

I found out 8 years later, and I was furious that I wasn't told earlier. Sure I would have cancelled the wedding, but since she didn't have the guts to tell me, 8 years of my life was wasted on her.

 

Your husband may be different, he no doubt will get VERY angry, and things will be VERY rocky until he decides whether he wants you to go, or stay. But again, that should be HIS choice and to deny him full disclosure could be even as selfish as the act of cheating itself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes I think cheating is a mistake.

If your husband knows part of the truth, tell him the rest.

If he leaves, or stays and works on the relationship with you.

 

What happens is what you make of it.

 

Good luck, take everything you read here with a grain of salt.

Only you know what is right for your situation and it is OK for the decisions to be hard to make.

 

This is good advice. I'm surprised you said that.

[reservoirdog1]

then honestly, thats all the more reason TO tell him. If he has information that is being kept from him that might change everything, then the decision on what to do with his life should be HIS, not yours.

 

I found out 8 years later, and I was furious that I wasn't told earlier. Sure I would have cancelled the wedding, but since she didn't have the guts to tell me, 8 years of my life was wasted on her.

 

Your husband may be different, he no doubt will get VERY angry, and things will be VERY rocky until he decides whether he wants you to go, or stay. But again, that should be HIS choice and to deny him full disclosure could be even as selfish as the act of cheating itself.

AGREED. In my case, XW finally confessed to her serial cheating during the engagement (and after) once we'd been married for seven years and had two kids. I love my kids and would never give them up, but that doesn't change the fact that XW made decisions about MY life that weren't hers to make, took huge liberties with my life and my health, and denied me the opportunity to decide if I wanted to marry her at all. All because she was selfish, weak and cowardly. When she dropped the bomb and wanted out of the marriage, I spent over two years hating her and feeling like she'd wasted years of my life.

[michelangelo]

Cheating wives with no courage but a deep well of deceptive behavior ruin their husbands lives.

 

 

 

AGREED. In my case, XW finally confessed to her serial cheating during the engagement (and after) once we'd been married for seven years and had two kids. I love my kids and would never give them up, but that doesn't change the fact that XW made decisions about MY life that weren't hers to make, took huge liberties with my life and my health, and denied me the opportunity to decide if I wanted to marry her at all. All because she was selfish, weak and cowardly. When she dropped the bomb and wanted out of the marriage, I spent over two years hating her and feeling like she'd wasted years of my life.

[quankanne]

especially compared to MSN...they are just mean

 

MSN = Mean, Snarky Network?

[bentnotbroken]

All, I promise you this isn't a fake post. I've had several bouts of depression in my life and I've been in counseling several times on my own. I'm so upset with my MM wife and I'm really concerned now that my life is going to be turned upside down. When we went NC I was praying this would go away. We all make mistakes. MM has honored the NC but I was just floored when my husband called me to tell me about his conversation.

 

I'm so confused and sad.

 

 

You sleep with another woman's husband(more than once)in your husband's house with your children present, you gaslight your own child(that is wrong beyond anything I can think of now:mad:)continue to lie to your H by omission and keep the affair going and you feel like you have been wronged. You are a real piece of work. I battle depression, I am on medication and not once have I had an affair or told my child that they didn't see what they saw.

 

I not only question your ethics as a wife but as a mother.

[bentnotbroken]

Clearly not. I thought I was in love. I can't even believe he was in my house let alone that we were together. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I had to deal with my daughter and I've never felt so low. I'm saddened by what I've done.

 

 

No, you are only sad you got caught. You thought you could continue to lie to your H and live in never-never land until the next willing penis came along.

[bentnotbroken]

I have been here for awhile now. I just finished reading all of this. And very few and I do mean very few(4 or 5 max)threads have made me so angry to the point of physically shaking. As bad as I view cheating, it isn't the cheating, the lying by omission, exposing your H and his W to STD's, or the selfish what about me's and your feelings of betrayal and anger, but the fact that you desecrated your family home with your children in the house and then gas lighting your own child. That makes me angry and physically ill at the same time.

 

You don't know what kind of damage you did to your own child, yet you didn't stop, tell your H the truth or except responsibility for your poor choices, not just one choice, but multiple selfish decisions to protect yourself. Even dogs don't crap in the place they sleep or raise there young.

[lostsunsets]

confusedmomnb, So basically what you are hoping for is that your husband is stupid? Do you actually think he won't talk to the OMs wife? You don't think he won't strap your cheating a$$ into a polygraph? Your husband will probably find out or make you confess. You say it will be you and your kids. So your kids will be OK with what you did to their dad? Understand. That the absolute best you can hope for is for your husband to stay because of the kids. But know this. That he will never.. Never....NEVER look at you the same again. You cuckolded the poor man who provided for you. Who loved you.

 

At best you have sentenced him to be shackled to an adulterous wife who he can never be at peace with. Who he will never feel at ease when you are out of his sight. Who will have nightmares, Who will be triggered by cheating songs, movies and stories.

 

At worst you destroyed his family. His very life. know this, infidelity is the worse form of spousal abuse there is. In the end, I imagine that you taking a Louisville slugger to his head while he was asleep, would have been preferable to him, rather then you letting another man inside of you. Damn I hope the orgasm you had was worth it.

[CaliforniaGirl]

My Spidey Sense is telling me that the poster isn't lying about the actual affair...but that this isn't the first one.

 

I don't know exactly what makes me think that...something about the too-shocked "I can't believe I did this" stuff, yet it's said so emotionlessly; it doesn't seem like shock at all. It all seems, in fact, almost second-hand to this poster...as if she's going through the motions and saying all the right things (to us).

 

It almost sounds like she's reading the sentences from a book. She says she's scared...shocked...can't believe she did it...etc., yet it's said so...I don't know, not "I'm numb" tonelessly, but "I'm bored" tonelessly.

 

I think that's what makes me think that it's not the first time for her.

[bentnotbroken]

My Spidey Sense is telling me that the poster isn't lying about the actual affair...but that this isn't the first one.

 

I don't know exactly what makes me think that...something about the too-shocked "I can't believe I did this" stuff, yet it's said so emotionlessly; it doesn't seem like shock at all. It all seems, in fact, almost second-hand to this poster...as if she's going through the motions and saying all the right things (to us).

 

It almost sounds like she's reading the sentences from a book. She says she's scared...shocked...can't believe she did it...etc., yet it's said so...I don't know, not "I'm numb" tonelessly, but "I'm bored" tonelessly.

 

I think that's what makes me think that it's not the first time for her.

 

 

 

I felt like that when she stated that she didn't care if she got caught. And she had no intentions of leaving her H. That said to me the rest is just for show.

[CaliforniaGirl]

ETA: Actually...I think what gives me that feeling the most is the "me of all people" title. That reads so...I don't know. Again: rehearsed. I would bet dollars to donuts that the OP is "accidentally" keeping this window open where her husband will walk by and see it, click on it and read all about how sorry she is. That way, maybe he won't leave her and she won't have to find a new cash cow and security blanket. Finding a new bank to marry is a HUGE inconvenience for serial cheaters.

 

Sorry to be harsh. I'm just getting this sense really, really, really strongly (have been close to a similar situation before).

[CaliforniaGirl]

I felt like that when she stated that she didn't care if she got caught. And she had no intentions of leaving her H. That said to me the rest is just for show.

 

Yep, agree with you, for sure.

[pelicanpreacher]

The Sword of Damocles that still dangles precariously over your head is the image of a strange man discovered in your home by your daughter. You haven't said how old she is but if she is of the age of cognition she'll come to realize that your attempt to explain away his presence was a lie as she observes the tension, sadness, and anger in her father toward you. If she hasn't already told her siblings of what she saw then you'd better believe that she's very likely to do so once she pieces together the connection between the man she saw and what's happening to her family.

 

You, on the other hand, can't risk attempting to reinforce your previous efforts to mislead her on what she saw in any way shape or form again for fear that you'll reawaken her distrust of your version of the facts when her father announces to all the children that the two of you are having problems right now and he must move out. The opportunity for the truth to find a way to the light becomes increasingly more probable during times he's granted visitation and alone with his children for Jesus saith unto them, "Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise"? Matthew 21:16:

[lostsunsets]

I think californiagirl is on to something. She keeps repeating everything over and over again. OK I'll bite.

 

Hey confusedmomnb's husband. If you're reading this, its because she wants you to see how contrite she is over having sex with the OM. Dump her.

[SidLyon]

You could easily be the OW from my H's affair but I know you're not. As her H died last year before I discovered their affair I couldn't contact him. I read the e-mails between her and my H - she was devastated by her H's death but that didn't stop her trying again with my H even though she had ended it with my H nearly 3 years earlier!

 

I guess she didn't want to be left raising her kids alone either so she must have decided that it would be me that would be the one that was left. I don't understand how another woman can experience the pain of losing her H and feel it is OK to try to 'steal' someone else's!

 

It seems that both my H and OW had always been clear that they were not leaving their marriages while the A was going on. Maybe she felt that because her H had died that it would be harder for my H - I think it was -but in the end it was she that got "thrown under the bus".

 

I'm not proud of it but last month I contacted her parents-in-law - they are after all helping bring up the boy that was born during the course of the A as if he's their own grandson. To my surprise they were quite sympathetic to me and seemed convinced that the boy was their dead son's child rather than my H's.

 

You now have to accept that this is no longer within your control as do me and my H. He was similar to you in that he suddenly realised that what he had done has had a severe impact on people he cares about - he has had to put into practice his intention of abandoning the OW for his family - and knows the situation can no longer be manipulated to his advantage.

 

IMHO your only choice is to become completely honest with your H - it may not work and you may still be on your own - if you are not honest now when the s..t is hitting the fan you lessen your chances of retaining your marriage.

 

It really is your choice though.