Me of All People

[confusedmomnb]

I did NOT text him back. I was pretty nervous when I got it.

[stampdaddy]

I did NOT text him back. I was pretty nervous when I got it.

 

OK..

 

So, do you "promise" you will talk to him tonight? If you do, where will your children be? Can you arrange for them to be somewhere else for a while? Or after they go to bed, is your house big enough to be far enough away as to not wake them? You mentioned you live in the Mid-West, do you have a basement?

 

Don't promise if you arent going to, cause you can't be lying to 'ol Shemp

[confusedmomnb]

I'll let the kids go to bed. No basement but we can talk away from them in our room. We have a spare bedroom which I'll be living in I guess (hope not).

 

I can't keep going on like this so I guess whatever happens happens. Right?

[stampdaddy]

I'll let the kids go to bed. No basement but we can talk away from them in our room. We have a spare bedroom which I'll be living in I guess (hope not).

 

I can't keep going on like this so I guess whatever happens happens. Right?

 

Right... and remember, WHATEVER was gonna happen anyway, it is just better THIS WAY. Do you want to "conference" us in?? jk

[Owl]

 

I can't keep going on like this so I guess whatever happens happens. Right?

 

Not exactly.

 

Whatever happens, you'll know that you're finally doing the right thing NOW, even though you didn't before. You'll know that you're taking the right steps to fix the situation, to take ownership of what you've done, and given your husband the opportunity to forgive you for ALL of it...not just parts of it.

 

Make sure that your H clearly hears and sees your regret for what you've done.

 

Make sure that you're not just regretful for having been caught, but for conducting the affair itself.

 

Actively seek ways to begin rebuilding your trustworthiness with your H. It's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part, but it can be done if he's willing to let you do so. The "open book" idea that he presented you with is a good start...the next step is explaining to him HOW you managed to keep the affair going, what exact steps you took to hide it from him, and how you can give him access to see that you're no longer conducting the affair.

[jwi71]

I am going to speak with my husband tonight. I'm going to show him the text I got this morning and then tell him the rest of the story about what happened. I will be honest and tell him I'm scared and I'm sorry and that I don't want to lose my family.

 

Good. You lay it out there and it isn't hanging over your head. And maybe this will help you a bit - a terse background of me.

 

My W cheated on me (PA) and I ultimately filed for D. She moved out into her apartment last weekend.

 

And I'll tell you WHY I filed and asked her to move out.

She DIDN'T change. She still told lies. She still blamed me. She WASN'T transparent. She didn't throw herself completely, openly and honestly into saving the M. She only went through the motions.

 

I did NOT leave her because of the PA but because SHE didn't change.

 

Hold on to that if you can...A's do NOT necessarily mean the end.

 

I don't want to lose my babies and I don't want to lose my husband but from what I've been reading that is no longer my choice.

You will NEVER lose your children - they love and need you.

The courts in the US rarely deny visitation or joint custody in D. You may not have them 24x7x365 - but you will not lose them.

 

And yes, you cannot force your BH to stay. I know you are scarred to tell the truth but you MUST. Expect it to go poorly. And also be prepared to stay at a relative or friends house. If it gets real bad...simply take a break and spend the night somewhere else and return the next morning. I would suggest asking your parenst to have the kids over...get them out of the house for the revelation. Answer EVERY question...honestly. NO matter how painful or detailed or trite...answer honestly. And if you don't know or cannot remember...say so. Then try and remember.

 

Its a long and painful fight but the outcome YOU fear is NOT a guarantee. You do have power to influence this.

 

And, you don't see it now - most WS do NOT at first - but honesty is YOUR best policy. It will set you free from this burden.

 

Best wishes...come here and post as often as you wish.

[In Like Flynn]

Your husband is tracking the OM and will contact his wife again. Eventually the truth will come out. But do you want to be the one that tells the truth or do you want your husband to hear about it again from someone other than his wife?

[Athena]

I second this 100%.

 

Athena... you are such a rare combination of beauty and intellect.

 

Thank you Troubadour, I appreciate your compliment.

[allina]

The sad thing is that you don't even love your husband. The ONLY reasons you listed for not wanting to lose him is that you don't want to be a single mom and that you'd be embarrassed in your community. It's not even about love or your husband's feelings, you just want his money and the title of a wife. I feel sad for your husband, I hope he doesn't wast too much energy or time trying to work out this loveless marriage. To be honest, I don't care about how scared you are. Women like you only make things hard for the rest of us, the dignified, respectable women, ones who don't spread their legs for a married men for a moment of self fulfilling gratification

[jnj express]

Hey confused, you don't really know if slimeball POS, even knows what he is talking about, He thinks something is happening, since you don't really know what is happening with his life situation, you DO NOT REALLY KNOW ANYTHING, Slimeball may be having a very hard time with his own situation and be running very scared and jumping at shadows. You need to send this POS one more NC letter and in it tell him to never contact you again in any way shape or form about ANYTHING. But for this slimeball POS, you wouldn't be going thru any of this would you, life would be enjoyable, your life would be good, maybe lacking a few things, but enjoyable and good. But look what slimeball POS has done to you, and you to yourself. As to the future of your mge., yes your H. holds all the cards, and he makes all the rules, and you will be remorseful, loving, transparent, and anything else he wants. If he says jump , you say how high. If you are not these things, you have no chance. And you had better like it or not show some love, Be prepared for complete and utter chaos from your H., nothing will make sense, he will be up, he will be down, He will be all over the place, you just have to stay the course and ride out the rocky road. Your mge. may not survive the outing of the PA, but you will at least know where everything stands, and you can prepare for your future. Another thing you MUST DO is come clean to your daughter, BEFORE YOU OUT THE A. TO YOUR H. If she hears what is going on and it will not just be the one time outing and then nothing after that, this will become a warfront, a storm front whatever you want to call it, it will last for 2 to 5 years, if your H. decides to rehab. the mge. If your daughter hears the discussion of the slimeball POS being in the house, she will remember, and she WILL REMEMBER YOU LIED TO HER. If you want to keep your daughter, you need to go to your daughter, and say mommy has done something very bad, and then at least out the lies to her, and tell her there was a man in the house. If you do not, and she figures it all out, you will LOSE HER. Another thing you NEED TO DO is go to SurvivingInfidelity. com, and start reading the healing library, and get on their wayward spouse forum. I wish you luck you are going to need it, You are not a bad person, you just are a person that has ruined 4 lives, and for what? a piece of A.

[quankanne]

You need to send this POS one more NC letter and in it tell him to never contact you again in any way shape or form about ANYTHING.

 

the only point I didn't agree with in your post, j ... if anything, show the text to BS and ask him for help in letting exlover IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS IS HE TO CONTACT YOU, that it's completely over. Because you're trying to salvage your relationship and him "dropping in" to keep you updated isn't going to help the situation. That y'alls time is over, done, se acaban, finished. And that if HE has any comments or questions, they need be directed to your HUSBAND. Period!

 

this establishes that you're no longer interested in maintaining ANY kind of relationship/contact with your MM, that you are ONLY focused on your marriage.

 

as bad as things are, and as strident as some of us have been with previous posts, I think you coming to realize what your actions have led to is a good thing, because NOW you can move forward with your husband. You know what you've got, what you're facing and what you must do, and I wish you all the best. At some point, you're going to look back and be glad that you took the high road in trying to heal your marriage, and that's really all we ca hope for.

[stampdaddy]

Hey confused, you don't really know if slimeball POS, even knows what he is talking about, He thinks something is happening, since you don't really know what is happening with his life situation, you DO NOT REALLY KNOW ANYTHING, Slimeball may be having a very hard time with his own situation and be running very scared and jumping at shadows. You need to send this POS one more NC letter and in it tell him to never contact you again in any way shape or form about ANYTHING. But for this slimeball POS, you wouldn't be going thru any of this would you, life would be enjoyable, your life would be good, maybe lacking a few things, but enjoyable and good. But look what slimeball POS has done to you, and you to yourself. As to the future of your mge., yes your H. holds all the cards, and he makes all the rules, and you will be remorseful, loving, transparent, and anything else he wants. If he says jump , you say how high. If you are not these things, you have no chance. And you had better like it or not show some love, Be prepared for complete and utter chaos from your H., nothing will make sense, he will be up, he will be down, He will be all over the place, you just have to stay the course and ride out the rocky road. Your mge. may not survive the outing of the PA, but you will at least know where everything stands, and you can prepare for your future. Another thing you MUST DO is come clean to your daughter, BEFORE YOU OUT THE A. TO YOUR H. If she hears what is going on and it will not just be the one time outing and then nothing after that, this will become a warfront, a storm front whatever you want to call it, it will last for 2 to 5 years, if your H. decides to rehab. the mge. If your daughter hears the discussion of the slimeball POS being in the house, she will remember, and she WILL REMEMBER YOU LIED TO HER. If you want to keep your daughter, you need to go to your daughter, and say mommy has done something very bad, and then at least out the lies to her, and tell her there was a man in the house. If you do not, and she figures it all out, you will LOSE HER. Another thing you NEED TO DO is go to SurvivingInfidelity. com, and start reading the healing library, and get on their wayward spouse forum. I wish you luck you are going to need it, You are not a bad person, you just are a person that has ruined 4 lives, and for what? a piece of A.

 

no disrespect, but, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[samprez]

JNJ - Are you kidding me? I've been reading this thread and keeping quiet until I saw that post last night. Why is that you assume that MM is lying. She said his text said that he was sorry to bother but it looked like the h hired a p.i. Seems sincere to me. Went on to say that his wife was good and things were heading in the right direction. Not every person involved in an A is POS and I think you need to tone it down a bit. He didn't ask to see her in the text and from what she said not even to respond. Sounds like he may have been telling the truth.

 

Furthermore, it's easy to just assume that people in an A didn't have real feelings for the other person. I don't believe that. So perhaps the MM was trying to let her know that her husband hired a p.i.; which probably means he's either building a divorce case or plans to use the information to gain leverage or control of their relationship. Either case is bad. I'm going through MC myself and balance is the answer.

 

Confusedmom - We'll wait for your update. People are trying to be helpful and in doing so come to this board with their own life experiences and are offering their advice based on that. But people are upset and scorned on here if they've been BS and with reason. Don't deal with your situation to provide strangers on a blog with a vicarious experience to fix what's wrong in their lives. You manage this based on the information you have on hand. Remember your children in this and make sure that you protect them. None of us know your husband and how he'll react (or did react) and what he's capable of.

 

You hang in there and move at the pace that makes sense for your family and you. Despite the fact that you did this and had the A, you also deserve to protect yourself physically and mentally as you move to the next phase of your life. Information is key to that.

 

Hang in there and let us know what is happening.

 

To some of the posters here who have written in anger; we are all humand all capable of messing up, including me. We all need to tone it down a bit with her and understand that even coming here was a big step. I think it's natural for someone to be scared and fearful in this situation.

[jnj express]

hey sam----and of course you would trust an affair partner, one who sneaks around with your spouse, one who sneaks into your house when you arn't there, one who has sex with your wife while her kids are in surrounding rooms. Yes that affair partner is to be trusted WRONG---AFFAIRS are built on deceit and mistrust by people who hide, sneak, and cheat, yes let us trust the affair partner

[Darth Vader]

Married for 15 years. Mother of 3. Just ended an affair with a man whom I knew many years ago. Been lurking out here, so I'll try to tell the story as clearly as possible.

 

This was a full affair, EA and PA. Connected online after many, many years of not being in touch and developed an immediate connection. Met for drinks the first night, hand holding and petting. Continued to meet for dinners throughout the end of last summer. Each time we were together the touching got more intense on both of our parts. One night, my husband was traveling and I had dinner with MM and brought him to my home. 2 of my children were in the house, sleeping. I thought I was in love and wanted to spend time with him not in public; feeling like I was hiding or sneaking around. One thing lead to another and we slept together in my house; not in my bed. My daughter didn't see that, but saw him in the house later and I had to convince her that noone was in the house.

 

We continued to see each other for the next several months. I tried from time to time to take breaks and not be involved with him, but we couldn't go more than a few days without contact. I broke it several times; and he always responded. Because of his work, it became harder for us to see each other later in the fall and early winter. We texted all day everyday, and it grew more and more sexual in content. Looking back, it was very exciting. I also shared with him details about my children and my daily life. He was very much ingrained in my daily life. He was great, very supportive. We told each other we loved one another, but I was always clear I wasn't leaving my husband.

 

My H and I have been to MC on multiple occassions in our life together, he's a great father and and good guy, but I feel like he doesn't listen to me or always meeting my emotional needs. My MM did. He really seemed to understand me.

 

Anyway, MM and I fought sometimes like couples do and I think he was ready to leave his w for me and I told him not too. I reminded him that I wasn't leaving my h. His wife found about the affair and he started going to MC and we were still in touch. I finally decided to end it with him about a month ago and thought it was over. Last Friday his wife called my husband at his work and told him about the EA part of the A, not the PA. My husband had suspected for sometime that there was something going on with me and MM; whom he knew had been in contact. Now everything is blowing up for me.

 

My husband made me delete all of my email accounts and is checking my phone. I haven't spoken to MM since I told him I couldn't do this any more, and he's respected me with NC. But I'm dying here. Feel guitly, my H is really upset and I feel like I'm all alone.

 

Why did his wife call my husband? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us.

 

I'm struggling. I'm a good person, I thought and now I have this pain in my life.

 

 

She brought the pain to your home?, YOU did that yourself! Your children could have walked in on you riding your OM, They probably heard some sex sounds in the very least! Then on top of that you had the gall to lie to your own child about someone else being in her home, making her feel crazy, or like she doesn't know what she really sees, wait til she tells her father what she saw. You're a real piece of work, I hope your husband leaves you and finds someone better, he deserves it after all, so do your children. You cheated on not only your husband, but also on your children and lied to them, you can't take any of this back either, I hope you realize that! Just take your lumps, they'll be a looong time a-coming.

[Darth Vader]

I don't have a good answer here. I've been reading what everyone has been saying. I thought I loved MM and I know he was serious about leaving his wife for me. But I really feel that my situation at home was ok, it was just that I had feelings for this guy. I feel very bad and embarrassed by all of this. But I told him over and over again that I wasn't leaving for him. I did say never say never but I have kids and wasn't going to disappoint them by leaving their dad.

 

It sounds terrible doesn't it?

 

Oh, now your situation was ok? I thought that your husband didn't/wasn't meeting all of your needs, oh, that was your excuse, or attempt to blameshift all of this onto your husband, like he had any fault in you riding another man.

 

You already disappointed him, and them, by cheating on them all. Nice try in backpeddling, I was born at night but not last night.

[Darth Vader]

Clearly not. I thought I was in love. I can't even believe he was in my house let alone that we were together. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I had to deal with my daughter and I've never felt so low. I'm saddened by what I've done.

 

 

Deal with your daughter, in what way? By telling her that you lied to her, how there was someone in the house, how you slept with someone other that your husband? I don't know how old your children are, but they will hate you for destroying their home and family. Expect harsh words from them as they will have to deal with harsh words from other children, and believe me when I tell you, children talk, sometimes more than the adults, and it's even more cruel on their level. They will suffer, and you and OM are solely to blame for their upcoming HELL.

[Darth Vader]

Then try harder. Demonstrate to your husband that you're not giving up on the marriage, even if he's tempted to. Tell him, straight up, that you're going to fight for the marriage, and that you'll do whatever you have to, for however long it takes. If he won't go to marriage counselling right now, sign up for individual counselling for yourself, and make sure your H knows about it.

 

Tell him the full truth -- including the part about the PA.

 

Willingly make your life an open book. Tell him where you're going, who with, what time you'll be back, and stick to it. Call him or text him during the day, even just to say hi. Do little things to show him you're thinking of him. Let him continue to check your emails and cell phone as long as he needs to do so.

 

Expect and anticipate that he'll have angry days when he doesn't want to talk to you or when he doesn't respond to your positive or loving overtures. Don't allow these occasions to throw you off, or to get angry or irritable in return. DON'T say in response, "well at least I'm trying" or something similar -- you bloody well SHOULD be trying, and you don't get prizes for trying. Trying is the least that he can expect of you. When he's in those places, reassure him that you love him and that you're there for him.

 

To fix this, there will be lots of times when you have to be the stronger one. Can you do that?

 

 

Then he'll have those days that something will "Trigger" thoughts of you and OM, such as where you slept with OM, what room/s, what position/s, his work, traveling, etc.. You may want to get rid of anything even remotely connected to the affair including any and all gifts, underwear, and clothing you wore for OM, any grooming you did for OM, furniture you and OM did it on, even perfume you wore while banging OM. He may want to sell the house. Lady, the list goes on and on forever.

[Darth Vader]

Stop thinking like that. IT didn't just 'sort of happen' it was an ACTIVE choice to have an affair. Own it and stop downplaying this..

 

 

 

So did having an affair make your marriage better? More managable? Happier at home because you had someone on the side and got the benefits of having your cake and eating it too? Again, sorry for the harshness, but you need to hear it.

 

 

Nice catch WWIU, I was thinking the same thing/s

[Darth Vader]

now you don't know that... He was leaving his marriage, right?

 

 

So other man stated to her, it could have been nothing more than a lie to get into her panties....... Cheaters do what? They lie. So what's a lie from OM to poster of this thread to get in her pants? He got his piece of ass. Chances are, that's all it was.

[Darth Vader]

What your husband will walk away from his kids, I don't think so. He may turn his back on you but not his kids. If you are worried about being "stuck" with the kids and it comes to a divorce, give your husband custody. So you will have support or options there, so take that concern off your list.

 

If anything your marriage is already broken you are not going to hurt it anymore than you have. So you might as well throw all the cards on the table and see what happens.

 

Because if you don't tell about the PA and your xOM does you KNOW his wife will tell your husband. It is better to tell than to be caught.

 

 

Depending on what state you live in and how old the children are, they may be able to choose who they want to live with. Even if they aren't old enough, your husband can still fight for sole custody and win, perhaps based on the info. we have so far.

[stampdaddy]

So other man stated to her, it could have been nothing more than a lie to get into her panties....... Cheaters do what? They lie. So what's a lie from OM to poster of this thread to get in her pants? He got his piece of ass. Chances are, that's all it was.

 

could be, could not be.... I get it

[Darth Vader]

My Spidey Sense is telling me that the poster isn't lying about the actual affair...but that this isn't the first one.

 

I don't know exactly what makes me think that...something about the too-shocked "I can't believe I did this" stuff, yet it's said so emotionlessly; it doesn't seem like shock at all. It all seems, in fact, almost second-hand to this poster...as if she's going through the motions and saying all the right things (to us).

 

It almost sounds like she's reading the sentences from a book. She says she's scared...shocked...can't believe she did it...etc., yet it's said so...I don't know, not "I'm numb" tonelessly, but "I'm bored" tonelessly.

 

I think that's what makes me think that it's not the first time for her.

 

 

Interesting........ If that's the case, what makes her poor hubby think that all, if any, of the children are his own? Wait, she hasn't told him everything (slaps helmet), that's right!

[Darth Vader]

Now is the time to tell your H everything...And I mean everything and that includes what text the MM sent you. Show it to him.

 

It's good to be scared, that fear will keep you going..You have alot to lose so remember what's important here..

 

 

As you show him the text, tell your hubby, "I had sex with OM in our house when the children were sleeping, and daughter saw OM in our house".

[Chat]

My daughter didn't see that, but saw him in the house later and I had to convince her that noone was in the house.

 

Way to go Mum, psychological f*ck your child up to protect your affair *sigh* its an incident like this that can have her second guessing EVERYTHING her whole life.

 

 

Why did his wife call my husband? Because it was the right thing to do - why the hell should she not? Why couldn't he prevent that from happening? I know they're in MC because of the affair, but it just amazes me that she would bring this pain to my home. SHE DIDNT bring the pain to your home - YOU DID. I don't know what is happening in their world but I wonder how MC is going if she called my husband so long after she found about us. Probably due to the MC she called, why the hell should she go through this hell while you get off relatively scott free?

 

I'm struggling. I'm a good person, Well I think your perception on "good" is fairly skewed I thought and now I have this pain in my life. And it is totally self made - get yourself a therapist, tell your H the truth and your daughter!! Live up to the resposibility of your actions!

 

And why does everyone think this is a fake? Seems perfectly normal?