What do y'all make of this??

[karenina21]

I've had this guy friend for almost 10 years. We met when I was an intern at the TV station he worked at. At the time, I was a young 20-year-old kid and involved in a very bad, abusive relationship. He was also with someone. But, he followed me around that day and I knew he liked me. I liked him, too. I thought he had nice, kind eyes and warm hands. He asked me out. I thought hard about it, and with a pit feeling in my stomach because I wanted so badly to say yes, I told him no, that I was involved already with someone. The truth was, I didn't want to be with my then-boyfriend anymore, but was too scared to leave him.

 

A few months after that, I met the man who is now my husband. He and I get along mostly well, but we've had some problems here and there. My husband has issues with depression and every once in awhile completely snaps and breaks stuff in the house. So I am going to counseling wtih him because he can't destroy the stuff we've worked so hard for and I can't take this stuff anymore.

 

Meanwhile, my friend and I have maintained a rather strange correspondence over the years. He eventually married the girl he was with, but at different times over the years, both he and I told each other our feelings for each other and admitted to loving one another. We would talk all of the time either via email or phone. Eventually, as he and I both got more involved with our significant others, now our spouses, we agreed that we shouldn't talk so much because we didn't want to do anything that was going to hurt them. His significant other, now wife found some emails he and I had exchanged and was very hurt, so I told my friend that the last thing I wanted to be was a homewrecker.

 

But, we still talk. We still have so much in common, we see things the same way, we each say the other understands in a way nobody else does. We say we miss each other all of the time. I've wanted to see him again, and he wants to see me, but we don't want to hurt the people we're with, so we don't know what to do. About a month or more ago I sent him an email asking if his feelings were genuine or if he could be in love with an illusion since we haven't seen each other. Here's the email response he sent me last weekend (names changed for privacy):

 

"I've owed you this email for quite a while and it's been on the back of my mind for a while too. Between my parents' health, selling their house and all kinds of other things, I really haven't been able to get to a lot of things, including this -- which has been at the forefront of my mind for a long time. But I'm doing it now, so better late than never, right?

 

"I hope you are doing better. It pains me to read that you are struggling in your health or having a tough time at work. You are one of the most talented and gifted people I've ever met, you are and always have been capable of so much and I've known that from the moment I met you. It's easy for me to say, without knowing what exactly is going on with your situation, that you just need to keep plugging away, but the reality is that you need to. You're a fighter, you've worked hard for everything you've gotten and I know you will keep going and doing that in spite of whatever happens.

 

"In your last email, which was so long ago you probably don't remember, you mentioned the relationship we have but not the day-to-day connection that people in actual relationships do. Or words to that effect. You are right, I don't know what side of the bed you prefer, and I don't know that element that defines you on a daily basis. I think if we had ever had that relationship things would have worked out though, because I know your soul. I know your heart. I think you've known that about me too, even if I end up putting up a guard at times because I'm afraid you'll get too close to me. The reality is I acknowledge I've done that at times and it's because of the way I feel about you, and still do. It's a feeling I've never been able to fully come to grips with being that you and I are obviously spoken for and happy in that. But you understand me, and how I think, in a way nobody else ever has. I think you knew that even before I kind of went through my

changes where I reanalyzed who I was and what I believed in. I'm not sure it's an "awareness," or a level of consciousness, that we share, that not everybody has -- the part of life where you sense or examine a situation that other people would just gloss over, not pay a moment's notice to. You and I do that, in basically the same way, which is why I think we have this connection. Does that make any sense?

 

"I'm haunted -- not in a bad way, I suppose, or a creepy way -- by when we first met. I wonder all the time what would've happened, where we would be now, if things had worked out then. I had never been so bold to do that in my life, I was always shy and reserved, until I met you and just had this feeling that I wanted, NEEDED, to talk to you at Channel X. I've seldom had that feeling before or since in my life. It is ingrained in my memory, believe me.

 

"We were both very different people then, there's no doubt about that. But somehow I think our souls would have clicked even then, back before you had the confidence you do now and before I became less judgmental, more skeptical and much more like you, in how you view the world. I feel like whenever we talk you understand everything about me, even if you don't know the how and the why and all the details. It is something that fills my heart and yet at the same time it is frustrating and that I don't have you in my life everyday to make me feel that way.

 

"I think this might be the longest email I've ever written, no? lol. I'm sorry if I don't let my guard down as often as I should. Maybe this email will explain why to you. I love you. I truly do. I always have, and I always will. I think I emailed you when you got married that part of my heart will always belong to you, X. And even if the weeks and months go by and we don't communicate, never think for a second it's because I don't care about you or that you're not on my mind. You are, have been, and always will be. Forever."

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Can someone help me get some perspective from the outside in? Thanks so much.

[Rose81]

That email makes me so sad because it seems like he wants to be with you but can't. I think that you should not communicate anymore though because it's not healthy. I like that you are both aware of the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" aspect of the relationship. Keep him in your heart but I think it is best to focus on the trials in your day to day life. If you think you shouldn't be with the man you married - don't let your decisions be dependent on what this other man in your life is doing. Focus on your own life. This is all very practical but I think that's what you need to stay in control of your emotions.

[Beautiful Inside]

wow that letter was beautiful seriously, omg you could turn this situation into a love story movie .... no but it is sad in the fact that when he said he's always thinking like what would have happened if..... and thats the worst feeling and i know you regret not going out with him then especially cause your relationship was a bad relationship anyways. who knows what could have happened between the 2 of you. it deff seems like you guys are like so emotional connected and he really loves you.... man....what are you thinking to do at this point?.... it seems like your both in 2 different marriages but deep down wanting 2 different people you know its like so incomplete it kills me!!! do you think he would ever leave his wife like divorce? and would you ever leave your hubby?

[karenina21]

wow that letter was beautiful seriously, omg you could turn this situation into a love story movie .... no but it is sad in the fact that when he said he's always thinking like what would have happened if..... and thats the worst feeling and i know you regret not going out with him then especially cause your relationship was a bad relationship anyways. who knows what could have happened between the 2 of you. it deff seems like you guys are like so emotional connected and he really loves you.... man....what are you thinking to do at this point?.... it seems like your both in 2 different marriages but deep down wanting 2 different people you know its like so incomplete it kills me!!! do you think he would ever leave his wife like divorce? and would you ever leave your hubby?

 

Beautiful Inside,

 

It was a beatiful letter. I teared up when I read it. My friend has a way with words but he meant every word he wrote. I feel the same exact way about him. But we are good people, and don't want to hurt the people we're with, so that is why we've never gotten together. It would cause so much pain to end the relationships we're in and get together, so we haven't done that. And yet, we each yearn for and miss each other all the time. I am focusing on trying to work things out with my husband and trying not to let this man rule my thoughts.

[karenina21]

That email makes me so sad because it seems like he wants to be with you but can't. I think that you should not communicate anymore though because it's not healthy. I like that you are both aware of the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" aspect of the relationship. Keep him in your heart but I think it is best to focus on the trials in your day to day life. If you think you shouldn't be with the man you married - don't let your decisions be dependent on what this other man in your life is doing. Focus on your own life. This is all very practical but I think that's what you need to stay in control of your emotions.

 

 

Rose, I think you're 100% right, but it's so hard.

[karenina21]

Here's what he sent me today.

 

"I want to get closer to you, but I honestly don't know how or if I can. Tell me what I can do, I want to be here for you.

 

love always,

X"

 

I want to see him again, I still remember the warmth of his smile, I still remember the warmth of his hands, and I always remember his kindness, his humor, his caring every time I hear his voice...

 

It's not just the situation with my husband that makes me feel this. I've had these feelings for as long as I've known both men. I have them whether things are good or bad in my life. I love this man, and always have. And while I love my husband, he and I will never connect this way.

 

Does anyone else have advice for me? Should my husband and I stay together?

[phillipreed678]

I've had this guy friend for almost 10 years. We met when I was an intern at the TV station he worked at. At the time, I was a young 20-year-old kid and involved in a very bad, abusive relationship. He was also with someone. But, he followed me around that day and I knew he liked me. I liked him, too. I thought he had nice, kind eyes and warm hands. He asked me out. I thought hard about it, and with a pit feeling in my stomach because I wanted so badly to say yes, I told him no, that I was involved already with someone. The truth was, I didn't want to be with my then-boyfriend anymore, but was too scared to leave him.

 

A few months after that, I met the man who is now my husband. He and I get along mostly well, but we've had some problems here and there. My husband has issues with depression and every once in awhile completely snaps and breaks stuff in the house. So I am going to counseling wtih him because he can't destroy the stuff we've worked so hard for and I can't take this stuff anymore.

 

Meanwhile, my friend and I have maintained a rather strange correspondence over the years. He eventually married the girl he was with, but at different times over the years, both he and I told each other our feelings for each other and admitted to loving one another. We would talk all of the time either via email or phone. Eventually, as he and I both got more involved with our significant others, now our spouses, we agreed that we shouldn't talk so much because we didn't want to do anything that was going to hurt them. His significant other, now wife found some emails he and I had exchanged and was very hurt, so I told my friend that the last thing I wanted to be was a homewrecker.

 

But, we still talk. We still have so much in common, we see things the same way, we each say the other understands in a way nobody else does. We say we miss each other all of the time. I've wanted to see him again, and he wants to see me, but we don't want to hurt the people we're with, so we don't know what to do. About a month or more ago I sent him an email asking if his feelings were genuine or if he could be in love with an illusion since we haven't seen each other. Here's the email response he sent me last weekend (names changed for privacy):

 

"I've owed you this email for quite a while and it's been on the back of my mind for a while too. Between my parents' health, selling their house and all kinds of other things, I really haven't been able to get to a lot of things, including this -- which has been at the forefront of my mind for a long time. But I'm doing it now, so better late than never, right?

 

"I hope you are doing better. It pains me to read that you are struggling in your health or having a tough time at work. You are one of the most talented and gifted people I've ever met, you are and always have been capable of so much and I've known that from the moment I met you. It's easy for me to say, without knowing what exactly is going on with your situation, that you just need to keep plugging away, but the reality is that you need to. You're a fighter, you've worked hard for everything you've gotten and I know you will keep going and doing that in spite of whatever happens.

 

"In your last email, which was so long ago you probably don't remember, you mentioned the relationship we have but not the day-to-day connection that people in actual relationships do. Or words to that effect. You are right, I don't know what side of the bed you prefer, and I don't know that element that defines you on a daily basis. I think if we had ever had that relationship things would have worked out though, because I know your soul. I know your heart. I think you've known that about me too, even if I end up putting up a guard at times because I'm afraid you'll get too close to me. The reality is I acknowledge I've done that at times and it's because of the way I feel about you, and still do. It's a feeling I've never been able to fully come to grips with being that you and I are obviously spoken for and happy in that. But you understand me, and how I think, in a way nobody else ever has. I think you knew that even before I kind of went through my

changes where I reanalyzed who I was and what I believed in. I'm not sure it's an "awareness," or a level of consciousness, that we share, that not everybody has -- the part of life where you sense or examine a situation that other people would just gloss over, not pay a moment's notice to. You and I do that, in basically the same way, which is why I think we have this connection. Does that make any sense?

 

"I'm haunted -- not in a bad way, I suppose, or a creepy way -- by when we first met. I wonder all the time what would've happened, where we would be now, if things had worked out then. I had never been so bold to do that in my life, I was always shy and reserved, until I met you and just had this feeling that I wanted, NEEDED, to talk to you at Channel X. I've seldom had that feeling before or since in my life. It is ingrained in my memory, believe me.

 

"We were both very different people then, there's no doubt about that. But somehow I think our souls would have clicked even then, back before you had the confidence you do now and before I became less judgmental, more skeptical and much more like you, in how you view the world. I feel like whenever we talk you understand everything about me, even if you don't know the how and the why and all the details. It is something that fills my heart and yet at the same time it is frustrating and that I don't have you in my life everyday to make me feel that way.

 

"I think this might be the longest email I've ever written, no? lol. I'm sorry if I don't let my guard down as often as I should. Maybe this email will explain why to you. I love you. I truly do. I always have, and I always will. I think I emailed you when you got married that part of my heart will always belong to you, X. And even if the weeks and months go by and we don't communicate, never think for a second it's because I don't care about you or that you're not on my mind. You are, have been, and always will be. Forever."

 

I don't know what to do at this point. Can someone help me get some perspective from the outside in? Thanks so much.

 

 

 

Not to be an ass, but I believe this shows that people should get someone THEY truly like rather than going for someone else......I always want women that don't like me. Why ? Because they truly for me. I'm not going to settle for someone who likes me but I don't. I believe that people are going to have problems that way...

[sarah63]

omg, that letter was so beautiful! It is so sad that you can't be together and that you didn't give it a try some years ago. I serioulsy don't know what I would do because in one hand you know that maybe your friend is the one who you should be with but in the other, you can't build your happiness over somebody else's suffering. It is a tough one, I think you should first figure out the things with your husband and if you don't want to be with him anymore be honest with him and end the relation... it will hurt but it won't hurt as bad as if you stay together but you don't feel in love with him anymore. Good luck!

[karenina21]

I hadn't talked to my friend since this thread a few weeks ago. So at Easter I sent him an email that said I was thinking of him and let me know when he wanted to talk. The other day I got a message from him that said, "Hey, listen I just can't communicate right now, I have way too much going on. I hope and pray things work out for you, I know they will, but I just can't talk right now. I'm sorry."

 

I was hurt by this and wrote back and told him I deserved a bit more than a curt email. Here's his reply today:

 

"hey X,

I've been overwhelmed with everything that's going on and I apologize for the curt email I sent the other day. Between stuff at home, and my dad's health, it's hard for me right now. Because whenever you say you're thinking about me, my heart races. I am a passionate person, I always have been, and I can't help that. And I know the reality about how I feel about you. Nothing has ever changed on that level, it's still there, no matter what I do.

 

I care so much about you, I wish I could be there for you, and it's like I have conflicting feelings racing through me. There aren't any easy answers, but here I am still...

 

I have to do some work, but I wanted to touch base.

 

love,

X"

 

I replied stating I was no longer sure whether his feelings were real or how deep mine run. He replied again: "I think they're real. That's what makes it so hard." A little while later, he wrote to me again: "do you want to see me? I want to see you. But I am afraid of finding out what I already suspect, and what would happen."

 

We have got to end this unhealthy push/pull for once and for all. I feel like we should see each other to find out if there really are true feelings or we just like the aspect of forbidden fruit. Either that, or we'll have to just not talk again, ever, be with our spouses, not be completely 100% happy and always wonder "what if." But we just don't want to cause pain.

 

I just don't know what to do. Does this man love me? Should I see him?

[karenina21]

Any advice? I don't bite TIA!

[Charles1978]

Do you have kids in your current marriage? How is his marriage going?

[boldjack]

Karenina (good name BTW) You and this man are in an emotional affair. You must either go with it or stop NOW. You and him are already cheating on your SO's emotionally. What ever else you do , you should be honest enough to tell your husband and the OM needs to tell his wife that you both have feelings for other people. You must stop lying to yourself and admit that you don't really love your husband as much as you say. The OM should do the same. If there are no children involved, you should divorce. You are not being a good , loving, loyal wife to your husband.

[voldigicam]

It isn't as if people can't feel for more than one person.

 

Just breaking something off doesn't mean the feelings don't keep going. So simply breaking contact doesn't do it.

 

So I don't know the solution. Generally folks get by with compartmentalization, keeping the one separate from the other. This is surprisingly common.

 

Usually confessing to the hubby or wife goes very badly.

 

Unfortunately, actually getting together with the distant love object rarely goes well. IRL relationships involve nitty gritty that tends to soon dissolve the idealistic long-distance connection.

 

Regardless, there are those one just clicks with and the click never stops.

 

So there's no real answer. One flood of pent up feeling from one or the other doesn't really change anything.

 

No real answer. Can't stop feelings.

 

But it's not a betrayal of one's spouse. Just a persistent mind virus. People need private lives, too, and that confidant / confession / totally open friendship elsewhere can prove an incredibly useful safety valve. I generally have a close penpal; we discuss my wife and issues I'd rather not discuss with my wife.

 

Even weird and sudden IRL events don't have to involve dissolving one's primary relationship, and confessing them often gives them more weight than they deserve. Some people are impulsive, or have little storms of this and that go on. Get two of these people next to each other when the wind blows right and weird stuff happens. If one of these weird moments (and I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience sudden lip lock with another) turns into a steady affair, well. That's different.

 

Highlights the troubles that monogamy and the tendency to view marriages as contracts allowing control over another bring. Most deep unhappiness seems to spring from attempts of one to control another, especially another's heart and gonads. When this is internalized, especially difficult. My SO deals with her internalized Dad all the time!

 

Confess online, but not to the SO!!!

 

Good luck.

[karenina21]

Everyone, thank you so much for your replies. After thinking long and hard about this situation last night, and apparently so did my friend, we both wrote to each other that we have to end this, and not speak, because we have both invested too much in our current relationships and marriages to risk ruining them. Instead, we decided to focus on our marriages and to work on them and on ourselves. It is so painful, but we agreed to not talk anymore because of the emotional upheaval. It isn't healthy, this mind torture, and we don't want to go any further into illicit territory.

 

I really appreciate everyone's input on this. By the way, no I don't have kids yet, but I'm not ready to get a divorce over this, I have invested too much. DH and I have been seeing a counselor for a few issues, and I think between that and calling it quits with this other man (because I agree with the poster who says it's an emotional affair) that things will be okay.

 

I'll keep y'all posted...

[boldjack]

I think that you have made a good decision, but you should still tell your husband. He deserves to be treated with respect and honesty. If you can't or won't respect him by telling him about this EA, then how will your marriage progress in an honest way?