Is there something wrong with my mind...?

[Inflikted]

Let me put this into perspective... I'm a 20 year old guy, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never even properly flirted with a girl. And I really hate that fact... I WANT to experience a relationship, I WANT to find that deep connection with some. And I don't mean that in a "I'm so desperate that I give off the 'clingy' vibe all the time", I mean it in more of a hopeless, "outside looking in" kind of way.

 

And sure, I could name off reasons why I have trouble meeting girls, or why when I do, they're not attracted to me; just going by my looks, I'm very very short, shorter than nearly all girls in my age range that I've met so far, and while I'd gladly date a girl taller than me, it seems pretty much like a death sentence for me, a big no-no for girls to date a guy shorter than them. Otherwise, I don't think I'm particularly bad-looking; the only other problem on that end is, I have this natural "boyish" look to me that I can't seem to shake, and people often mistake me for being way younger than I am, sometimes even under the age of 12. T_T I'm also fairly introverted, and often pretty quiet and shy.

 

But believe it or not, none of that is what really has me concerned... See, what scares the crap out of me is, I have yet to find a girl that I feel I want to pursue. Well, there was one, but we'll cover that in a bit. I just... I don't get it. I've met plenty of nice girls, and I've had quite a few of female friends (mutually friendly, mind you), so I don't think I'm as "shy" as I peg myself for. But I've just never felt that "click" with any of them. Yanno? I don't know exactly what this magic nameless quality is, but for the life of me, I can't find it. At all.

 

Like I said, though, there was one girl, that I met a long long time ago, and have known, in some capacity, for years, and I fell for her hard when we first met. Recently, though, I believe I've pretty much blown any chance of getting anywhere with her, and that there's nothing more I can really do to pursue her without coming off as a desperate clingy fool. And that's pretty crushing, really, because I can't help but think, where does that leave me now? If she's the only girl, in my 20 years of life, that I've found that "quality" in, what chance do I have of ever finding that again?

 

Every time I've entered a new phase in my life, I tried to open my mind to finding a new girl. When I started high school, I thought for sure there'd be at least one or two girls in my class I'd "fall for", but nope... When I got a part time job at a store, I thought maybe there'd be a nice girl working there I'd take an interest in, or that a nice likable girl would just happen to shop at the store I work at, and again, so far, nothing. When I started college, I really thought I'd meet a new girl, and again, nothing. High school and college are, like, the biggest time for dating and relationships in peoples' lives, and I'm nowhere close to any of that. And with only a few short years before college is over, what hope do I have?

 

I just don't get what's wrong with the way my head works... WHY is it such a struggle for me to find a girl I'd like to be with? I don't have high standards, I don't expect to date some gorgeus supermodel, or some perfect woman that cooks, cleans, and wants to be my sex slave. Some people would probably tell me to go to therapy with my problem, or something, but I really don't want to make that an option... I don't have the time or especially the money to pursue that, hence why I'm on an Internet forum hoping some one can talk me through this for free.

 

Others will say I just have to go out more, and to certain places, but I have trouble with that, too; for one, I'm fairly introverted, and there's not many places I can think of that I'd need to go, where I could potentially meet girls. For instance, for the type of girl I'd like to meet, some might suggest going to a library or a bookstore, but... I'm not much of a reader. So in essence, I'd just be going to those places to meet girls, yanno what I'm saying? Besides that, I don't like the idea of trying to start something up with some one I just met. I prefer to strike something up with a girl I get to know a bit beforehand, one I get to see on a semi-regular basis that I can get a feel for. That's why I was hopeful of meeting girls in school, or at work, because I'd be in an environment where I could get to know them a little better first, then pursue. I have no interest in spotting a girl somewhere, walking up to her, striking up a conversation for a few minutes, then asking for her number or for a date... Too much too soon, for me.

 

So... What's the verdict, here? Should I be really worried about this "mental block"? Or am I doomed to not find some one because of this, and end up alone, no future wife or kids, no future family of my own? I mean, how the heck do I even begin to get over this weird "disorder"?

[confused_2008]

You know, I've felt that mental block of not really being able to "get into" girls in the past. And no, it's not a sexual orientation thing before people jump on that.

 

I can't exactly put my finger on why that is, but I have a few things I think contributed to it. First of all was lack of confidence. When I didn't think I had any chance with someone I might be interested in, I was able to really shut down those emotions. Another thing is that I genuinely enjoyed being single at the time I felt that way. Through most of college, I never really had a desire to be in a serious relationship because I had plenty of my own things going on.

 

Now, how did I overcome that? What happened to me (actually right around your age) was I had a girl that was really into me kind of brought me out of my shell. I've heard that people are interested in people who are interested in them and that kind of happened to me. It also boosted my confidence and realized that it is possible for me to meet someone who's interested in me as well.

 

I also got to a point in life where I realized I wanted to look more seriously for a girlfriend. Now everybody says you find someone when you're least looking, but the big thing was I became more receptive to subtle signs of interest girls were giving me. Before I couldn't really be bothered to try to get a number or ask her out on a date.

 

It always gets said in these threads but it WILL happen to you when you're ready. Just take this time that you're single to really know and get comfortable with yourself. That way you'll be most ready for that special girl when she comes into your life.

 

And, as far as that one girl... you'll meet plenty of girls that will do that for you when you are open to those feelings. Don't worry that you blew your one chance at a soulmate or something dramatic like that with her.

[ianandris]

...It always gets said in these threads but it WILL happen to you when you're ready...

 

That's repeated often for a real good reason.

 

People are like fine meals. When you get down to it, we're all just a bunch of ingredients that have the potential to be something delectable when mixed together. We're in different stages or preparation, though. Some of us are still dough, some of us are half cooked. Some of us are fresh out of the oven, ready to be eaten. Some of us have been burned, and aren't quite ripe for consumption anymore. Some of us are brownies, the type who taste good from batter all the way to finished product. Some of us are raw chicken, in need of a few hours in the oven to even be safe to eat at all.

 

I'm probably a kimchi in need of a little bit more curing

 

When you're ready, when you're no longer nervous about the idea of being in a relationship, when you can see yourself alone or with someone and still be happy with the idea of the future, when you're content with yourself, what makes you you, or once you finally forget about your weaknesses, that's when you're ready. Or maybe that'll be when I'm ready. I don't know. You know yourself better than anyone. If you're truly ready, it WILL happen. I was ready once. Almost got married. Then I got unready again, and I haven't found anyone since . Got close to being ready, dated a little bit, then decided, in all honesty, that I wasn't.

 

When you're ready, it's easy.

 

That's the great prereq for relationships. Some people are ready from day one, some people need a few years to get there.