Invited to same BBQ as MM and his W, WWYD?

[KismetGirl]

Ok, so, as many on here know, Ive got this MM. Had him , for lack of better words, for four years or so now. His wife found "suspicious" activity or evidence a couple of times , but this was well over two years ago, probably closer to three years by now, and hasn't mentioned a word since. As he is an idiot man and cannot think on his feet sometimes (or was much worse at lying when we first started this A, anyway), when she asked the name of this girl with whom there was a "misundertanding", he said my name, so she knows who I am, and while she let the matter go, Im sure she will always perk up at the sound of my name, and not in a good way.

 

I have not seen her in years in person. MM's best friend (let's call him Bob) recently bought a house not far from MM. I am friends with Bob and Bob's wife, who are both my age, since we all used to work at the same company with MM. I am even going out with Bob's wife this weekend for a girl's night out. She mentioned that she would like to have a BBQ or some such outing as a housewarming as the weather will soon be warmer, and insinuiated, of course, that I would be invited to come, and check out the new house, and I haven't seen Bob in a while either and I rather like him as a friend as well.

 

Problem is, since they are friends and live near each other, MM (and his wife, obviously) are often invited over to Bob's house, so I imagine that they would also be invited to said BBQ. While Bob knows that there was some history of fooling around when me and MM worked together, Im not sure that he thinks anything current is going on, and even if he did, he is of that "guy" mentality where the guy friend comes before his wife, so he would never say anything to MM's wife. Bob's wife perhaps at one point knew about me and MM fooling around when we worked together, but I don't believe she thinks anything is still going on either. She obviously likes me alot in either event, and I believe she is friendly with MM's wife but otherwise finds her rather dull. Bob's wife is always asking me to hang out, and I like her and Bob and see no reason why I have to give up friends just because MM was too stupid to make up some random girl name when his wife asked who was the girl in those suggestive photos in his email that he got "by accident." Usually I just go out with Bob's wife, so its never an issue, but in this case, me and MM and his wife would all be at the same event in public for the first time ever, really, since the A.

 

MM' wife does NOT know anything is going on right now, and has never had CONCRETE evidence of an affair, only suspicions on a couple occasions long ago. Obviously, MM would probably be incredibly uncomfortable with the situation, but Im not quite sure what to do.

 

I don't think its fair for me to have to give up friends, and not go to their house when I am invited, but I am not sure how to go about this situation really. I know without doubt I could act very casually with MM while he is there, but there's always the chance his wife will catch onto HIS nervousness as he is sh*te at covering that up.

 

Argh. What do I do?

[bentnotbroken]

Why would you want to put yourself in that situation? Haven't you had enough of the trauma and drama by now? Who said anything about giving up friends? Not going to one B-B-Q doesn't equate with giving up friends. Why not drop a gift by the house before the event or after for that matter? Seems you are looking for reasons to remain a part of that circle.

[signedin2008]

Is the affair still going on? When was the last time you and MM slept together?

[annabelle30]

Don't go to the barbecue. Its just not worth it unless you are looking for drama.

[Lizzie60]

Here's what I would do:

 

I would tell MM that I WILL be there.. and it's up to him to come or not with his W ... or if he thinks that could be too embarassing.. then he can come up with an excuse to stay home.. YOU go!

[KismetGirl]

Why would you want to put yourself in that situation? Haven't you had enough of the trauma and drama by now? Who said anything about giving up friends? Not going to one B-B-Q doesn't equate with giving up friends. Why not drop a gift by the house before the event or after for that matter? Seems you are looking for reasons to remain a part of that circle.

 

No, Im not looking for excuses, I really am just pissed off that he should get to continue all aspects of his life as per usual, while I have to 'adjust" and miss my friend's housewarming just because of him. All he needed to do was just say "Jane" or "mary" or "melissa" or any of a trillion girl's names instead of "KismetGirl", and we wouldnt have this mess. She wouldn't recognize me just from those photos, they were fuzzy at best and , uh, most of them were from the neck down anyway. Maybe I shoudl tell him to make some excuse not to go to the BBQ, but I guess my point is that its not the ONE event in and of itself, but more that this couple are friends with me as much as with him. in fact, Bob is one of his best friends, and Bob's wife is a good friend of mine. MM's wife is not particularly good friends with either of them, but she just kind of comes along with the package of MM when they invite him over. I swear I dont know how they dated before they were married. They have nothing in common, don't like to do the same things. She's uptight, he's a goofball, etc etc. And it's not even just this one couple- there are several people with whom me and MM used to work with, and I am friends with all of them, as is he, and it makes for awkwardness that I have to try to schedule outings with them when I know his wife can't make it out.

 

I guess Im just upset about that part. I could just drive out there to drop a gift off, but besides having to come up with an excuse on why I can't stay, I would just be upset I can't enjoy my friend's housewarming with them because of MM's idiocy. I get more and more pissed off at him lately, which is probably a good thing. I haven't reached that breaking point yet where I have totally told him to f**k off, but I know that day will come because I can't deal with this crap much longer. I become less excited about him coming over as days go by, not like I used to when it was all I would thik about all week. I do still love him, but Im wondering if maybe finally my brain is letting me just get tired of this situation. I dont know.

 

You think his W would notice there is "something" between us if I did show up? I don't want to make it awkward for Bob and his wife, but I just somehow find this unfair that I have to be the one to choose to bow out.

[Lucky_One]

Here's what I would do.

 

I would wait for the BBQ to be planned and for invites to go out. This is all just speculation at this point.

 

And if I found that there IS a BBQ, and if we WERE all invited and if I found out that none of us had reason to regret, then I would make up an excuse not to attend, and stay at home to study. I don't like drama, and I would never want a D-Day, especially if your friends all mix. You would become the circle of friends sl*t, and I would rather keep my friends.

[Lizzie60]

Well this girl (his OW) can have the same name as you.. what a coincidence..

[KismetGirl]

Well this girl (his OW) can have the same name as you.. what a coincidence..

 

I wish! I have a pretty common first name, but the idiot also told her my surname and that we work together! What a dumba**.

 

And to Mr Lucky, it isnt really speculation. They are going to have a housewarming soon, MM (and wife in tow) will be invited, and I will be invited. I already bowed out of the f**king WEDDING for Bob and wife, and the only reason I did that was because it happened to fall the same week I bought plane tickets a while earlier for a three week trip to Europe. I probably cold have adjusted my flight dates so I could attend the wedding, but it gave me an excuse not to go, I didn't want to ruin or make their wedding awkward, and MM was one of the groomsmen so he had to be there. So I already have bowed out before, and I was massively upset abotu it that time. Im just wondering how much time has to pass since that "suspicious" evidence wa found by the wife before she just doesn't care anymore if she sees me?

 

MM seems to think if she saw me in person again she'd think something is going on again, but I dont see why after all this time. Am I going to have to be the one to bow out of events for the rest of my friendships with these people?

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, it's pretty clear that you've already made up your mind.

 

I think it is a really bad idea for you to be there, with them. (Although, I do like Lizzie's suggestion.)

 

I personally think it's messed up. And don't know why you'd want to subject yourself to being around them as a couple.

 

Justifying it as 'why do you have to give up friends' isn't cutting it. You might have to give them up if they find out you're still carrying on with him.

 

When anyone gets involved with a MP there's consequences. Some good and some bad. One of those is that you don't get to pick what other people think of you. This scenario can go very badly, I hope you realize.

 

How are you going to feel if he's very lovey to his W? What if you find that the picture he painted to you about their M is false? Are you going to be able to handle that in front of others without anyone else being the wiser?

 

I don't advise you going. I see only harm from this.

[KismetGirl]

Well, it's pretty clear that you've already made up your mind.

 

I think it is a really bad idea for you to be there, with them. (Although, I do like Lizzie's suggestion.)

 

I personally think it's messed up. And don't know why you'd want to subject yourself to being around them as a couple.

 

Justifying it as 'why do you have to give up friends' isn't cutting it. You might have to give them up if they find out you're still carrying on with him.

 

When anyone gets involved with a MP there's consequences. Some good and some bad. One of those is that you don't get to pick what other people think of you. This scenario can go very badly, I hope you realize.

 

How are you going to feel if he's very lovey to his W? What if you find that the picture he painted to you about their M is false? Are you going to be able to handle that in front of others without anyone else being the wiser?

 

I don't advise you going. I see only harm from this.

 

I havent made up my mind on anything really, really trying to ponder the best thing to do. Obviously I would not be happy to see them affectionate, but to be honest, I am 99.9% sure that they really aren't very affectionate anyway, least of all in public. In some morbid way, I am curious to see them interact as I havent had much chance to do so. It's the same morbid curiousity that prompts me to look at their family photos that get posted up on facebook or something, looking at his wife smiling in photos and wondering what goes through her mind and if she really thinks their marriage is solid. From what I hear from mutual friends and etc, they are friendly, but you wouldn't look at them and think "wow, that husband and wife are really in love with each other". They are more the "good parents" type of couple, they are friends. They are good parents, they work well together as a family unit.

 

Bob already knows of an affair history and he doesn't look down on me either way about it. As I said, he likes MM's wife, I mean, she's not a bad person or anything, she's a nice woman, but Bob is sort of neutral about that sort of thing, he'd just as soon have no opinion on the matter. Bob's wife, I'm fairly certain she's known at some point or another and its obviously had no bearing on how she views me. If anything, she'd think MM is an ass before she thought anything badly of me. MM seems to think Bob's wife doesn't really like him anyway. Most people that are mutual friends of mine and his, to be honest, know that me and MM had something going on, at least when we worked together. Affairs in the workplace are hard to hide, gossip runs rampant. People assumed we were sleeping together long before anything ever actually happened with us , just because of the way he looked at me or we were friendly or whatever.

 

Really, at the end of the day, the only one who doesn't know about me and MM are his wife, and HER friends and family. And I guess, I will admit.....almost more than anything, I am curious to see them together as I haven't really had any reason to be in her presence since I worked with him, and that was over three years ago.

 

And as I said....part of me is just pissed that he really gets no repercussions as a result of any of his actions. Over the last four+ years he's gotten to satisfty his need for emotional and sexual gratification, and passion, with me. He gets to satisfy his need for familial love and th comfort of a stable home and a good mother for his children with her. He gets it all. He doesn't have to acknowledge the things that are wrong with his marriage, because whatever he is frustrated by or missing, he gets by going back and forth between two women. He doesn't have to choose anything. That's my fault I guess. But this is just one more thing that I don't want to have to let him have "his way" again.

 

Maybe I should take Lizzie's advive....tell him im going because they are my friends and if he doesnt like it, tell his wife some excuse for not going, that he feels ill, that there is someone from work he doesn't want to see there. Whatever.

 

Or, maybe if we all show up, it would be a cause for a D-Day. I wonder if that would be a good thing or not. In over four years, its been a long time since she had real cause for suspicion, and most certainly he has never admitted to cheating on her and I doubt he ever will of his own accord. Sometimes, the way he acts, Im almost convinced he secretly wants to get caught in some ways just so the decision is made for him.

[Reggie]

Oh , pleeeeeze. You love this inane drama. Get a life.:bunny:

What a tragedy, missing a barbecue. Please tell me you are kidding about med school.

[jwi71]

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive."

--Walter Scott

 

First some general advice. Would you please end this nightmare. Look at all the crap you deal with because of him. Life's hard enough as it is - why oh why visit this upon yourself? I mean KG, this is straight out of some bad soap opera.

 

I doubt your friends know. And if they do they aren't really your friends. I mean who intentionally invites the MM, his W AND his mistress to a BBQ? Add some liquor and let the games begin sheesh. Hell, I almost want to go just to see the fireworks!

 

Well, if I didn't say it it wouldn't be me...you NEED to tell the W. There, won't say it again (in this post anyway). This situation does NOT exist if the A is busted wide open...

 

For specific advice on this. I disagree with Lizze on calling the MM. He understands the situation as well...he knows you will be there and let him decide, without input from you, what HE will do. Secondly...who are YOU to call HIM and tell him to NOT bring his W to their friends BBQ? Hello?

 

"Hi MM. Listen...you know that BBQ this weekend? You can't bring you're W because I'll be there. Well, I had to miss their wedding so YOU have to miss the BBQ. Well not you...you can come...but you're W and the kids...leave 'em behind ok?"

 

Come on KG...really...what kind of conversation is that going to be?

 

Your MM already knows the situation and the implications. Let him decide on his own. But you and I already know she will be there (what does that tell you?)

 

So go. Enjoy your friends. Enjoy the BBQ. Enjoy their happiness.

(as best you can)

 

At some point you will lose enough...like the ability to truly enjoy this BBQ w/o this cloud over you...that you make a decision. And I know its hard...hard decisions are.

I'll share one more thing with you. I used to have this framed on my desk, but after being laid off Monday...its here. Its long and its relevance will not be lost on you.

 

"Until one thing is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

 

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no person could have dreamt would have come his (or her) way.

 

I have learned deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

 

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

"

--W. Murray

 

Best wishes KG...

[Mr. Lucky]

She obviously likes me alot in either event, and I believe she is friendly with MM's wife but otherwise finds her rather dull.

but to be honest, I am 99.9% sure that they really aren't very affectionate anyway

Why is it so important to you to negatively portray your MM's wife?

 

Mr. Lucky

[redfathom]

I just want to add that your life hasn't changed because of HIM and that the reason you hesitate about going to the BBQ isn't because of HIM as you put it, it's because of YOUR relationship with him, because of choices you made. He didn't sexualy harrass you and now you are embarrassed or angered by him, you willingly started an affair with him. Did you expect things to be normal after that? You have been a willing participate, a side dish at the Thanksgiving dinner of his life.

 

You're really upset that he has sex with you and then goes back to his wife and get's to live the happy suburban life with kids and a dog and golf on Sunday's (or what ever sterotype you want to give this). Why keep letting him have sex with you if you hate it so much...you're not a victim here.

[redfathom]

If you choose to live your life in the shadow of someone elses marriage you will often be left in the dark.

[Billie63]

Hi Kismet, i think you should go, simply because single women in your position should say yes to most social occasions - it's healthy for you to be mixing with different people of both sexes.

 

Make sure he knows you're going and then the ball is in his court - I hope he has the grace not to go. I agree with you, this affair should not dictate who you socialise with.

 

As for your continuing digs at his wife - I've been here before with you Kismet. He didn't marry her because he fell in love with her scintillating conversation, he married her to get residency in the US. Please keep that in mind!

[jj33]

KG i think deep down you want her to find out. You want to go to confirm your theory that she is not as everything as you are and that if she found out and saw you the marriage would end. Not on a conscious level but unconscious.

 

Ive been in social situations with MM and his wife well after it ended and it was not ideal but at least they were very large events. A bbq is small and you will have to speak to her at some point and then a whole new drama will begin.

 

I met her

 

I spoke to her and she said this

 

They interacted like this and that

 

This is what everyone thinks of her

 

This is how she compares to me

 

It just feeds the addiction to the relationship. Im not saying you shouldnt go but its a minefield.

 

Its 4+years now... nothing has changed other than the fact that he has had 3 children. You started fooling around with him before he had any. So the idea that he stays for the children does not hold water. He stayed before he had children.

 

I can only assume you are happy with the sitaution. If you werent you wouldnt still be in it.

 

Yes you have mutual friends but how often do you HAVE to see him - very rarely. So if you wanted to end it you could and run into him just a few times a year.

 

hes NEVER going to leave while he has both you and his marriage. The only way he would ever even contemplate leaving is if you stop the affair. This isnt getting you where you want to be. And if you stop and he doesnt leave, you can get on with your life.

[NoIDidn't]

KG i think deep down you want her to find out. You want to go to confirm your theory that she is not as everything as you are and that if she found out and saw you the marriage would end. Not on a conscious level but unconscious.

 

Understatement of the year!

 

Her posts are dripping with just that sentiment, whether she wants to admit it or not.

 

I say, go. Stalk and stare at them awkwardly looking for any proof that any of the cockamammie theories that she has of their marriage or just of his W are true. Hopefully some semblance of self-respect and/or pride will kick in and she'll decide that this A is not worth going through this repeatedly.

[Meaplus3]

I think it would be sort of risky to go. I mean if the W has already been supicious in the past of something going on, she could very well start to ask questions. I think you will be much better off skipping this one.

 

Mea:)

[whichwayisup]

I really am just pissed off that he should get to continue all aspects of his life as per usual, while I have to 'adjust" and miss my friend's housewarming just because of him.

 

I hate to say it, but since you're having an affair with her husband and are the OW, there are certain aspects and situations that arise on occasion that you have to deal with - And this is one of those situations.

 

Be 100% sure YOU can handle it if you decide to go. IF you go, there's a chance she might pick up on a vibe or someone else will.. Unless this is what you're looking for? To make his wife slightly jealous and wonder what is going on? Maybe cause some issues between them? Either way, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't go.

 

Does Bob and his wife know about you and the MM?

[Island Girl]

I think everyone is forgetting that the W saw "private" e-mailed pictures of the OP years ago and thought something was up.

 

He dismissed them by saying another name and some other excuse.

 

Who here would not recognize that woman if she saw her again even years later?

I know that image would be burned on my brain!

 

Going to the BBQ and possibly having her show up could cause quite a scene indeed.

And if there is depending upon how it goes Bob's wife her coworker is there and possibly work life could be made awkward as well.

[2sunny]

i wouldn't go if i were in your position. it's a no win situation.

 

if you go and he pays attention to you the way you would like - you're both in deep trouble.

 

if you go and he doesn't pay attention to you - you're going to be pissed.

 

if you go with an agreement to ignore each other (that is always obvious to others because of body language being forced and uncomfortable) then everyone will notice and talk about how uncomfy it seems and wonder why.

 

if you go and he overcompensates to his wife by being extra attentive to her - your bound to be angry.

 

if you go and he ignores her you'll end up thinking that he's an ********* as a husband.

 

see? there is no way of making it a good thing to go.

[2sure]

Oh , pleeeeeze. You love this inane drama. Get a life.:bunny:

What a tragedy, missing a barbecue. Please tell me you are kidding about med school.

 

MM will not go to the BBQ if he knows OW will be there. He doesnt want the drama. Even if said drama erupted in D-Day (said in the same breath as I dont want to make anyone uncomfy) - it would be D-Day for OW only.

 

He isnt leaving, doesnt pretend he is leaving, and has always made OW feel optional.

Going to the BBQ is just another chance for her to think she is sticking it to him or his wife or his marriage...when the only real pain inflicted will be to her.

 

Seriously, Kismet.

[whichwayisup]

And, what if you get jealous and can't hide your feelings and reactions? What if MM pulls an evening of PDA and affection with his wife? What then?

 

I think everyone is forgetting that the W saw "private" e-mailed pictures of the OP years ago and thought something was up.

 

Good point.