Invited to same BBQ as MM and his W, WWYD?

[KismetGirl]

Sorry if I minorly t/j my own thread, but I just received a text message and have since started shaking and near-panic, so I just needed to write something.

 

Got an email from MM saying "your little spam email yesterday caused some problems. i'll have to call you next week". Remember I said my email address got hacked by software from some spam site, and it sent a spam advirtisement (as if it was coming from MY email address) to EVERYONE on my contact's list?

 

Yeah. So, as it happens, I don't update my contacts very often, and MM's current work email is on there, as is his "secret" email account that he made up just to talk to me, as is his "old" email account, which is actually a current account he uses for other things, but an account that his wife also uses on occasion. Righto. So, as I feared, she saw the spam email. it wasn't the email itself I was worried about because it was obviously not FROM me, it was spam...BUT...on the "to:" recipient line, it had all three of MM's email addresses, with his name next to each one.

 

So when I call him today in a panic to find out what happened, he says that she confronted him about the "secret" email. Apparently she had noticed it before on the computer and he had denied that it was his, probably said it was a friends or something. So now she is asking him why on this spam it lists his other two emails with his name next to it, and then it lists THIS "other" email, also with his name next to it, when before he had claimed it wasn't his.

 

he isn't very good at coming up with excuses on the spot so he stuttered and basically just kept denying it was his and he didnt know why it had his name there and it must be some mistake and it must be some spam thing but I really dont think she believes him.

 

god....i asked him what's going to happen now and he said "i dont know. Let me call you next week when I cool my jets off", whatever that means.

 

See? i cant handle the thought of abrupt endings, it makes me frazzled. F**************K. I will be a mess the whole effing weekend until next week when I hear from him, and "hopfully" things are ok.

 

What do you think....its hard to say from what he said on the phone. he was at work so he obviously wouldn't make his voice sound one way or another really, just kept saying he will call me next week once he has a chance to think and cool things down, or something.

 

God, what a mess....

[SerenityX2]

Well Kis, sounds like a D day has happened.

 

With all the past incidents, coupled w/her recent comments of him "smelling funny" to this. I'd be highly surprised if she lets this go.

 

If she does, she doesn't really mind him stepping out and I guess after things calm down it'll be status quo. But I don't think she's going to do that, just a gut feeling though so....

 

You really should use this as an opportunity to get out now. To hell with what he's going through this weekend. Why make YOURSELF sick over it? You do have a choice here and you could just say enough is enough and walk away *IF* you really don't want this drama.

 

....big if. Otherwise it's exactly as OWL said, relegate yourself to being happy in this situation and embrace it.

 

It sucks but YOU could make the choice to end this now and not leave it up to him. Good luck Kis.

[Lucky_One]

It means....

 

"Do like I told you, Kismet, and don't freaking call me and don't freaking email until I contact you. My freaking wife is upset by my lies and by my behavior, and I am going to be an altar boy for the next week or month or year until she calms down, because I do NOT want to lose her!! So just SHUT UP and LEAVE ME ALONE until I get in contact with YOU. And to reiterate - do NOT CALL ME, DO NOT EMAIL ME!!!!!"

 

Kismet, this is what affairs are. You signed up for it, you want it, and now you get to live all aspects of it. You have potentially caused a serious D-Day at his house, and you are going to reap the benefits of that.

[whichwayisup]

Well, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. You know the signs are there that the A is just about over as NOW he won't be able to lie and sneak off without his wife watching him. She is going to pump him for as much information and just be prepared that she may contact you since now she officially has your email address again. I don't want to freak you out but this IS something that could happen.

 

I will be a mess the whole effing weekend until next week when I hear from him, and "hopfully" things are ok.

 

Things will not be "OK" as you know it like before. Your A with him has to be over and this is the time for you stand up and say, "well, since we nearly or did get caught, let's just walk away now.."

 

Don't let this RUIN your week! You don't have to be a mess unless you choose to be a mess.

[Lucky_One]

If she does, she doesn't really mind him stepping out and I guess after things calm down it'll be status quo.

 

Not necesarily. He could lie to her enough and kiss her ass enough and "prove" to her that she is the only woman in the world that he could ever be attracted and in love with - and she will trust him again and forgive him for the lie of the email account. And after a while it could go status quo, but it won't be because his wife is ok with it - it is because she simply can't believe that the man who swore on his children's lives that he wasn't sleeping with someone else would lie to her.

[whichwayisup]

See? i cant handle the thought of abrupt endings, it makes me frazzled.

Yet sitting and waiting, doing nothing and hoping it'll just end on it's own is any better? Atleast now SOMETHING will change and even though you're dying inside, it won't be the same as before. I can take a wild guess that the intimate part of your affair is definately over. Deep down there has to be some sort of relief? That this is going to come to an end finally.

[whichwayisup]

guess after things calm down it'll be status quo.

 

His wife WILL react even more this time because this IS the second time he's been caught. The first time he was able to talk his way out of it, but now? No way. I honestly think too that Bob's wife and MM's wife have been talking which is why Bob's wife was setting Kismet up afew days ago..MM's wife has been suspicious and that spam email just confirmed it.

 

MM may turn around and end it completely, beg his wife for forgiveness, do marriage counselling etc...

 

My question is Kis, IF MM ends it and asks you to leave him alone, go full on no contact, will you respect his choice in ending it? Not contact him and not try to call/email/see him?

[SerenityX2]

Not necesarily. He could lie to her enough and kiss her ass enough and "prove" to her that she is the only woman in the world that he could ever be attracted and in love with - and she will trust him again and forgive him for the lie of the email account. And after a while it could go status quo, but it won't be because his wife is ok with it - it is because she simply can't believe that the man who swore on his children's lives that he wasn't sleeping with someone else would lie to her.

 

 

Oh I agree that does happen quite often. But I don't think from what KG has told us about MM he fits that catagory. If he does that much kissing up, I think the wife will demand MC and I think as horrified as MM is about divorcing he will try to meet her demands and not ever contact, of course that's just my perception.

 

This is not one that went on for a short while. This is not even something that happened in a mid life crisis. This is over 1/2 of their marriage and when those facts come out and they will, it may not be his choice as to stay married. He's going to have to do a hell of alot more than "appear" sincere and placate. If he doesn't I think that's where she'll walk. Otherwise in "this" situation of it going on for 4 years, pics etc....if he can snow her and she doesn't want to discuss anything, then that's why I said she may turn a blind eye. But I think the one's that do that are in the minority. The ones that have too much of a lifestyle AND prestige to lose. Thus I don't think the wife will do that, I do think this is the end in one way or another.

 

This is a sad, situation but not really surprised it happened like this.

[Owl]

With any luck, his wife read the email, saw the "secret email account" name, hacked the account, and read everything.

 

I say luck, because if that happens, then it might finally get all of this out in the open, where it can be dealt with. No more lying and denying on his part...it's out in the open, choices have to be made, and no more wondering about what the future holds.

 

I've seen a ton of WS's on this board (and others) who were simultaneously horrified and relieved that the truth was finally out there. But those were the ones who truly WANTED a resolution to the situation...they weren't the ones who were COMFORTABLE with the lies they were telling everyone.

 

KG, why not use this issue to force out a true resolution to the affair...one way or another?

[jj33]

KG I think you need to call it a day. Dont wait for him to end it. In your mind decide that when he calls you are going to tell him its over.

 

1. You are miserable despite the benefits.

 

2. He has been caught 2x now. Even if he gets away with it again,

 

a. you ARE hurting someone else; and

 

b. you are potentially compromising your social relationships. Bob his W and the others you know in common wont understand WHY you needed to f*** her H when you are beautiful talented etc and could have any man you want.

 

I know its tough but this is your opportunity to call it a day, if he doesnt do it for you.

[datura_noir]

So....when is the BBQ?

 

I assumed from the OP that the BBQ was a definite event, that invitations were going out...at least that is what the subject of the post is about, yes?

[whichwayisup]

Kis, I hope you're hanging in okay..Try to keep busy. It's out of your hands now and whatever is going to happen, will happen.

[mental_traveller]

Isn't lying fun?

[Lucky_One]

So....when is the BBQ?

 

I assumed from the OP that the BBQ was a definite event, that invitations were going out...at least that is what the subject of the post is about, yes?

 

At this point, I think it might be best if Kismet skips any barbecue - if one does happen. She doesn't need any chances for additional drama in her social circle.

[Reggie]

At this point, I think it might be best if Kismet skips any barbecue - if one does happen. She doesn't need any chances for additional drama in her social circle.

 

Let's all chip in and buy her a Webber Grill. Problem solved.:bunny:

[KismetGirl]

*sigh* sorry, i couldnt read earlier because my eyes were dilated from an eye exam and I couldn't see crap.

 

It's 2 in the morning and I woke up and can't go back to sleep. I just feel a little panicky....I don't like not knowing what's going on. I dont like abrupt endings that just sort of slap you in the face, and right now with not knowing what exactly is going to happen, it's like that impending feeling of doom, I hate it.

 

I don't see how he can get out of this, I really don't. It's, from the perspecctive of his wife:

 

A) it's THAT girl again (meaning, ME)

B) why does THAT girl's email have YOUR secret email account that you denied was yours to begin with.

 

This is, depending on how you look at it, the 2nd, or 4th, or more, indication he's doing something. It's the 3rd "visible" evidence that I know of, but obviously she's made side comments before, and probably more than he's told me (eg- "why do you smell funny", "whose email is this", etc) There was the hair on the bed which Im sure opened the door to suspicion. OK, excuse for that, that was ages ago. This is probably more akin with that day she found that email from me with the photos in it. Except this time he can't say I sent it to him by accident and call it a day. I don't see at all how he will explain that this other email, which he claimed was not his, and which she HAS seen stored accidentally on their home computer, is really not his now that she's seen his name next to it. Im at a loss as to what he could possibly say to her now. I offered him to give me the password so I could go erase everything in it and let him go show it to her when he went home and he didn't take me up on that. I sent him a suggestion that he could say he set up a seperate account one time to use for junk email and subscriptions and stuff, but that still wouldn't explain why I have it, unless she believed that the spamming software took the cookies from that other email from their computer and it really was someone else's. Which, while sounding crazy, really does happen, it's happened to me before. I don't know. I'm grasping for explanations here because Im going crazy thinking of all possible outcomes at this point.

 

It's hard for me to imagine the ending. Everytime we *almost* got caught, there might be some drama, some NC, and then things would always resume, even though I thought *for sure* it was over this or that time. Even the NC we had for almost a year, after she found the photos couple years ago, I think it only lasted that long because I was dating someone else and didn't really try to make contact with MM until after me and this other guy broke up and I was feeling lonely one day.

 

To answer WWIU's question on whether I will respect any requests not to contact him....of course I would. Despite what some peple may think, I am not crazy, I am not a stalker, and I will not beg him to see me or talk to me if he actually says he doesn't want to. He has never made such a request. Even when we went NC before, it was sort of "ok, Im in trouble with W, I cant see you right now" but he's never sounded like he was happy about it, or because he wanted to work on his marriage (eg- "SHE said we have some stuff to talk about regarding our marriage"), but because he felt bad she was upset and he'd gotten caught. He has never said "dont call me or email me or text me". It was more "i think its probably a bad idea if we see each other for a while". So eventually someone would email or call someone casually, and communication would be re=established and eventally contact would follow in person. It's very difficult, I imagine, for him to drive by my apartment to work as it is for me to see his car parked outside. In fact, he will be one block away from me ALL EFFING DAY tomorrow, as I am off of work so I'll be home studying, and he'll be down the street at one of the offices he works at. *sigh*

 

Also, WWIU, I don't think she will contact me. She had the chance to do that before and she never did. I don't think she's confrontational to that extent, not with a total stranger. I think she'd rather deal with her own husband. She could contact me if she wants to. I wouldn't mind. Not that it's something to brag about, but Im a far better liar than he is. If it would make her feel better to hear that nothing is going on from me, I'll tell her. I am 99.9% sure she will not try to speak to me, though.

 

I'm sad. I keep thinking of all the bad things this A brings to my life and I still miss him. I suppose it takes a long time to mentally accept any of this. God knows I didnt see him for a year before AND was dating someone else that I really REALLY liked alot, and he was still never really banished from my mind.

 

As Serenity said, I don't believe his wife is the sort who will have full-blown information and evidence regarding lies/affair and turn her head. She is not of some high-society prestige where she has to keep up appearances and will suffer silently to do so. At least, I dont think she will. She's had plenty of reason to be suspicious before and continued to have kids with him and move life forward, so I dont know. On one hand she doesn't HAVE to stay married to someone she knows is lying, and on the other hand she has had suspicion before and kept going, and she doesn't work , and even the nicest, most intelligent people can choose to eventually put themselves into denial. I mean....I consider myself to be intelligent and level headed, but when it comes to him, I seem to lose that level-headedness. He's smart, and funny, and charming, and quite good looking, and throw on top of that three kids and a life built together over a decade and its hard to want to give it all up. To be honest, had I been her, I would have found ways to catch him long, long ago. I think in some small ways she wanted to believe that he would never do this, and who can blame her? Maybe her and Bob's have been speaking, maybe not. Bob's wife didnt get any information out of me in either event.

 

Maybe this is the straw to break the camel's back. Maybe she will demand more information from now on and be more strict with him. But then again, last time he *really* got in trouble, it was like this for a while: he told me he had to "behave". He went straight from home to work, straight from one job to the other job, straight from that job to home again. No going out, no reason for her to suspect he was anywhere other than where he was. Eventually she probably forgave him, and me and him started up again somehow. One part of my brain believes it's all over and this is the End, and the other part doesn' t know because this isn't the first time we've been in these waters.

 

But then again, this is the first time where I've looked at the situation and could not find any , single way in which he could explain himself.

 

I don't know why he didn't just tell me when I called him "that's it, its over, dont call me again". maybe because he was at work i dont know. All he said was that he needed to "cool his jets off" and try to think and tried to explain to me that he didnt know what to say to her because this wasn't the first time she had noticed that email and he had vehemently denied it being his before and he didnt know what to say her to now. Then he promised to call me next week, and that was it, we had to get off the phone because he had to go back to work and I could tell his voice sounded strained, but I was having troubel discerning his mood. Normally I know exactly how he's feeling. He knows its not my fault, obviously, but I can't really tell if he's mad or not. The last time she found those photos a couple years ago, he had called me in a panic, and the horror in his voice had been so, so evident. This time though, he sounded so calm, i don't even know what to think.

 

I guess I don't have much choice but to sit and wait until next week and see what happens. All I know is, if a married man ever tries to flirt with me again as long as I live, I will punch him right in the face. This sucks.

[KismetGirl]

With any luck, his wife read the email, saw the "secret email account" name, hacked the account, and read everything.

 

I say luck, because if that happens, then it might finally get all of this out in the open, where it can be dealt with. No more lying and denying on his part...it's out in the open, choices have to be made, and no more wondering about what the future holds.

 

I've seen a ton of WS's on this board (and others) who were simultaneously horrified and relieved that the truth was finally out there. But those were the ones who truly WANTED a resolution to the situation...they weren't the ones who were COMFORTABLE with the lies they were telling everyone.

 

KG, why not use this issue to force out a true resolution to the affair...one way or another?

 

Owl, I can't tell if he is simultaneously horrified and relieved. It was very eery, the calmness in his voice. And I was very confused as to why he wouldn't just say "that's it, its over" instead of "i'll call you next week when i cool my jets off". For someone who has been so fearful of losing his kids and divorce, i would have thought if this happened again he'd just be like "thats it, its done". Which I guess he might come say next week, just dont understand why he wouldnt say it now, why drag me out until next week. I suppose he didnt want to start that conversation while he was at work, but he could tell me tomorrow that its over, as even though she is likely watching his every move, he will be working down the street from me tomorrow and knows full well i will be home all day and easily available to talk to, or on friday, why wait until next week to talk to me?

 

I dont think he is comfortable with the lies he was telling, but I dont know if he wanted resolution either. In a small way, me and him were both floating in some limbo without addressing either extreme- him not addressing his marriage, me not addressing my disrest with the affair, just to keep the status quo going and having to avoid making a decision. I think he was avoiding having to do anything about the situation, because one of my biggest aggravations about this situation has always been that he has been completely avoidant of realizing WHY he has been doing this for so long. No person fully happy in their marriage would do this , and yet he does not want to try to acknowledge that.

 

Maybe it will force a resolution. I don't know.

[KismetGirl]

Yet sitting and waiting, doing nothing and hoping it'll just end on it's own is any better? Atleast now SOMETHING will change and even though you're dying inside, it won't be the same as before. I can take a wild guess that the intimate part of your affair is definately over. Deep down there has to be some sort of relief? That this is going to come to an end finally.

 

If relief is going to come, i dont feel it yet, at all. Right now I feel like Im teetering on the edge of a cliff and dont know which way the wind is going to blow yet. All I know is that a storm is coming.

 

Everytime I've thought before "that's it, this is the end", it never was the end, but this could be it, finally, it really could. im so at a loss, i have no idea what to think. I hate that he's keeping me hanging on until next week. I guess he probably has alot going through his mind, and he was at work when he texted me, so maybe his wife said something last night, or this morning, I dont know, but if this was going to be the end I almost wish he would have just told me today, or tomorrow since he'll be going by my place anyway. WHY tell me to wait until next week? It just doesnt make any sense. I hate not understanding what the hell is going on. I was in such shock earlier, I really did start shaking when I got that text from him and got nasueous, I didnt much know what to say to him on the phone, kept stuttering "what, where, what, why, whats going to happen" . I just wish I knew what was going on in his mind.

 

I know I shoudlnt be making myself ill thinking whats happening at his house over the weekend but i cant help myself. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my academic advisor regardng my application, and then i have to study, and am working this weekend, and have family in from out of town, so will try to keep busy but this is somethin i have been dreading horribly. I did NOT want this to happen again before my big exam next month :-(

[jj33]

KG cool his jets is pretty clear. He is going to try to talk his way out of it.

 

Look in the past you could tell yourself that noone was being hurt she was happy. You are a nice person. Do you REALLy want to get into the stealth mode of knowing that she knows and cares whether he cheats but you are sleeping with her H anyway?

 

There is no way to paint yourself as the sexy refuge anymore or to paint him as anything other than a creep if he doesnt end it.

 

The time has come for him to choose whether to be married or not and for you to choose whether to participate in his lying to his W.

 

If you are half the person you say you are, you will take a stand here. Dont lower yourself to becoming complicit in his lies now that he has very clearly been found out.

 

Edited to add: Everyone understands the difficulty of loving someone and not wanting to walk away but dont let this take your humanity and character away. Its one thing for you to tell yourself that he doesnt really love her, she doesnt know or doesnt care its a sibling type relationship.

 

Guess what. He does care. At least he cares enough to say give me time to cool my jets. Maybe it will all blow open and he will think about it and leave to be with you. Maybe he wont. But if he doesnt leave and you stay with him, how will you feel about what that says about you? It doesnt matter what we think. What matters is what you think about yourself.

[Owl]

Why do you have to wait to see if "this" forces a resolution?

 

What can't YOU insist that "this" has forced a resolution, and take control of your OWN life, rather than sit there waiting for him to tell you whether or not the affair is still going to continue?

 

You know...own your life, rather than sit there passively and let the rest of the world run it for you?

[Lucky_One]

Owl, I can't tell if he is simultaneously horrified and relieved. It was very eery, the calmness in his voice. And I was very confused as to why he wouldn't just say "that's it, its over" instead of "i'll call you next week when i cool my jets off". For someone who has been so fearful of losing his kids and divorce, i would have thought if this happened again he'd just be like "thats it, its done". Which I guess he might come say next week, just dont understand why he wouldnt say it now, why drag me out until next week. I suppose he didnt want to start that conversation while he was at work, but he could tell me tomorrow that its over, as even though she is likely watching his every move, he will be working down the street from me tomorrow and knows full well i will be home all day and easily available to talk to, or on friday, why wait until next week to talk to me?

 

Many many MMs worry that their OW will cause trouble when they break things off; I am sure that he knows you are totally sane and always responsible and never impulsive, but many a OW has gotten dumped and then emailed, called, or wrote the wife (anonymously or not) and told their side of the story out of anger, frustration, fear of the unknown, indignation that the MM would lie about their love and pain.

 

And the man was at work; he had already told you that he would call you next week. He wasn't really in a situation where he could just chit-chat about a very sensitive issues.

 

Do you really think that he would suggest meeting up with you tomorrow? He JUST had a semi-D-Day - doubtful that he is going to say "Hey Kismet, I am working down from your house tomorrow, I'll swing by." She could be watching him for all he knows, and having to walk in the house and lie to her to her face again if she asks questions could be more than he is willing to do right now.

 

You are his mistress. One of the crappiest parts of the job description is sitting still and being quiet like you are told. You knew the deal, now it's your turn to prove that you understand the rules of the EMA.

[2sure]

So much of your energy, your thoughts, your life...go into this A.

And even though you both have real feelings for each other - the majority of your time & energy (and his) is ALL ABOUT HIM and ALL ABOUT HER - they are the main players.

 

KG - you have a walk on role in your own life.

[jj33]

And for the flip side of 2sure's post what happened between him and his W is not all about you.

 

His marriage may be on the line. If you care for him at all outside of how it impacts you, then take a step back. Let him do what he needs to do.

 

At the same time, do the right thing. End it when you hear from him.

[whichwayisup]

I guess since you know he isn't willingly going to leave his marriage, he's told you this afew times and he isn't inlove with you, what IS the point of continuing an affair with him later on? It isn't going ANYWHERE and I know you're sick of living in these stolen moments he can share with you..

 

Kis, please get the inner strength and tell him goodbye, that you can't and won't be the OW anymore.

[jj33]

And the fact that he would want to come back and drop in for some laughs and some sex again when the coast is clear doesnt mean he doesnt value his marriage.

 

It means he wants to see you when its safe for him. He is a cake eater. He does what he can get away with, when he can get away with it. And you are getting the crumbs from his life.

 

The only answer if you want to force a resolutoin is to end it. Staying with him and waiting for him to realise how much he loves you obviously hasnt worked. He has it all. So regardless of your motivations leaving is the only answer.

 

This romantic fantasy of someday is all in your head (unless of course you plan to spend the next 10 years or so in this position maybe then when the kids go to college he will be ready to leave or W will kick him out).

 

From a purely selfish perspective on your part, I just dont see what is in it for you.

 

Clearly the stolen moments arent that worthwhile or you wouldnt be so upset about it all the time. you are hoping for some sort of future with this guy and being his mistress isnt getting you where you want to be.