Invited to same BBQ as MM and his W, WWYD?

[KismetGirl]

I don't know what he wants, I don't even know what I want sometimes.

 

I had a good meeting with my advisor, but after that I've been distracted the past couple of hours. Keep feeling very panicky and trying to breathe normally. I have anxiety to begin with so stuff like this really just takes it's toll on me the first few days, at least, because I don't think it's sunk in, and to be honest, since I'm left hanging in limbo till next week, it can't really sink in yet. Keep wondering if I should write an email to her (wife) trying to explain the spam thing (as in, include her on an email to everyone on my contacts explaining away the spam thing), but decided against it. He's a grown up, I guess he will decide what is the best thing for him to say to her.

 

Drove home just now from campus and saw his car outside :-( Not helping.

 

Surely he has to know things like this would happen again....I don't want to feel like somehow I've ruined everything. God knows I didn't hack my own email with spam software, though I should have taken that email address off my contact list long ago and just never remembered to because I dont use the list anyway. It's seriosuly got people on there I have not spoken to in over ten years.

 

Really trying to focus, I really am, trying not to think about it, but its hard. Keep having that feeling of the past times we've broken it off and I hate that feeling. Wish he would have just come talk to me today and make my life easier :-( instead waiting until next week supposedly.

 

I wonder what he's saying to her.....guess it doesnt matter really, but can't help but be curious.

 

Just when I was giving myself a plan to slowly "detox" from him, if you will, I've been thrust into what could be cold turkey, and I really, really do not deal well with that. At the moment I'm just dangling. Guess I won't have much to update on till next week *sigh* feel free to write until then, Im sure I'll be having minor panic attacks over the weekend so coming on here to distract myself occasionally helps that....

[Owl]

So you're still not going to take an ACTIVE measure to end it with him, despite the literal HUNDREDS of posts you've received from numerous posters who have given you the exact same advice over several different threads.

 

You're going to "wait". Do it slowly.

 

Whatever.

 

As I said...you're where you are at because that is where you choose to be.

 

There is NOTHING that anyone can do for you until you decide to do something for yourself.

 

I have to admit I've never once seen a poster so set on self-destruction in my four plus years on this site.

[whichwayisup]

Keep wondering if I should write an email to her (wife) trying to explain the spam thing (as in, include her on an email to everyone on my contacts explaining away the spam thing),

 

Glad you decided against doing that. If you DID send her an email to explain yourself, all that will do is confirm what she believes, and open the can of worms even MORE and cause more problems.

 

It's out of your hands completely now, so focus on your work, studies and friends/family.

 

Delete her email address now if you haven't done so already. There really is no point in keeping it..Is there?

[KismetGirl]

Glad you decided against doing that. If you DID send her an email to explain yourself, all that will do is confirm what she believes, and open the can of worms even MORE and cause more problems.

 

It's out of your hands completely now, so focus on your work, studies and friends/family.

 

Delete her email address now if you haven't done so already. There really is no point in keeping it..Is there?

 

I did delete it. Shold have deleted it ages ago as I have not used that email to write to him in years since she found those photos and I was flabbergasted that he would give me an email to write to that she knew the password to! But I forgot to delete it. And this is what I get.

 

Owl, im not hell bent on self desctruction, and certainly i cant be the worst youve seen on this site....ive seen lots of other OW's just as distraught as myself, they just perhaps did not have an MM that's also bothered to keep up the A quite this long, which is perhaps the only thing that might distinguish me from some people, but that's not to say their A's wouldnt have lasted as long if some of them had been with MM's that stuck around that long. I've seen plenty who reminded me of my own actions, but then their MM's up and left after a short while. Mine hasn't done that so when you give an addict a constant supply of drugs, its a little harder to go cold turkey than when you just cut off all access to it for them!

 

So yes, I was trying to do a "slow detox" plan as opposed to the cold turkey thing, and speaking from experience as an addiction counselor, at least when it comes to physical substance addiction, the people that go about it slower and etc tend to have a better chance at not relapsing than those that try to just abruptly end it. Those have a habit of coming back over and over to it. Which, as you can see, despite varied periods of NC (all that were brought on very abruptly) I always seemed to "relapse". So I thought, ok, the abrupt endings arent working for me too well, so maybe I could just try to limit contact, not see him as often, go from intimate meetins at my house to making him meet me in public, etc.

 

But alas, I may not have a choice in the matter soon enough anywa :-( so I guess all i can do is sit here till next week and wait. i cant call him over the weekend for obvious reasons, and Im not going to bother him at work again , pointless as he cant really talk there much anyway. *sigh*

[whichwayisup]

The 'rip the bandaid' off, cold turkey thing MAY BE better for you in the long run. Sure you'll have withdrawals now BUT, it is (almost) finally over.

 

Let him call you, even if 2 weeks go by and he hasn't contacted you...DO NOT call him..

[KismetGirl]

The 'rip the bandaid' off, cold turkey thing MAY BE better for you in the long run. Sure you'll have withdrawals now BUT, it is (almost) finally over.

 

Let him call you, even if 2 weeks go by and he hasn't contacted you...DO NOT call him..

 

Will def try, but will be very hard to do. Guess I'll come here and read this when i get the urge to call, but I hope he calls soon, if only so i dont hang in the limbo phase much longer ..... to be honest im hoping its not cold turkey. maybe its selfish but i was planning on dragging it out until at least my test was over. he's a distraction, sure, but he's a worse distraction right after things go badly. Only 7 weeks till my test and i cannot be effing it up now...

[whichwayisup]

If you do call him, be prepared for a response you may not like...

 

if only so i dont hang in the limbo phase much longer .....

 

I would easily assume that the affair is officially over.

[whichwayisup]

Kis, you DO have the power to decide for yourself and not wait on HIM to decide. I think that's why Owl is pushing for you to stand up and take control. You're letting MM call the shots about YOUR life and yes, it affects everything else - Your studying and soon that exam.

 

It would be AWFUL if you got a low mark or failed ALL because of some f**ken a-hole MM and affair! I think you'd KICK yourself for allowing someone to affect your future in such a way.

 

Kis, I can't remember if you are or had any type of therapy, but right now you should consider speaking to a therapist. You gotta get strong and stop letting your weakness for him take over.

[KismetGirl]

If you do call him, be prepared for a response you may not like...

 

 

 

I would easily assume that the affair is officially over.

 

I would easily assume that too. I have easily assumed that every time he has broken things off with me. I definitely assumed it when she found those photos.

 

guess the only difference now is every other time we thought of at least some semi-feasible excuse. can't think of a single feasible excuse this time around....

[Owl]

KG, I'd tell you that from my perspective, having seen TONS of posters on this site and others...

 

...you ARE bent on self-deestruction.

 

You're going to end up ruining your chances for a medical career. You're going to waste away numerous real opportunities to be happy with people that really want to be with you...wholly with you.

 

Those other posters you talk about...name them. Show me the ones where their MM gave up on them before they (the OW) moved on. You might find one or two. But then go find how many of the ones who HAVE recovered were the ones to give the OM up themselves...

 

You'll find that the posters you're comparing yourself to are the vast minority...that the ones who really tend to recover and "get over it all" are the ones who took things into their own hands. The ones who finally opened their eyes and saw what was going on. The thing is...most people do it far sooner...they RARELY last nearly as long as you have.

 

You've been clinging to this for so long, you don't know anything else.

 

And you know...I've sat here a bit and given some thought to all the people I've traded posts with over the years on this site. I don't know that I can pick a "worst" as far as being totally unwilling to help themselves...but you're right up there in the top contender's bracket for sure.

 

And what's funny about that is that many of the ones that I can see as your "peers" in this...came back months (or even years) later, wishing that they'd taken measures to end the affair sooner.

 

But you're the only one I can think of off the top of my head who has so completely refused to even consider the advice of so many people...BS's, WS's, and OW. EVERYONE is telling you the same thing...yet you blithely ignore it all.

 

That's exactly why I've described you and your situation the way that I have. It applies. I'd be surprised if you'd hear a lot of dissent from my observations, frankly.

 

Other than venting...what do you gain from coming to LS? What do you gain from coming here, repeating the same actions over and over and over, hearing the same responses over and over and over? Why do you ignore the volumes of advice you've been given, all telling you the same thing?

[2sure]

Said Owl as he banged his head on the wall.

 

I think KG does not mind the small role she has in her current life. I think the A provides her with distraction, drama, and a sense of living. Slightly, but not much better than those that participate in virtual second life games.

 

Maybe, as she hopes , this interest will pass once she is no longer a student.

 

Its painful sure, but even the pain is distraction & drama.

KG is good with it.

[redfathom]

For someone that has anxiety I would think that you would want to be more in control of your life, but you're not. You are waiting for everyone else to take control, for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even his wife, everyone here has the power to end this, but you. You've asked for all of this, encouraged it, then complain about it.

 

This is your life, be the star of it, not a backup singer. Why are you so afraid to just live, why are you afraid to take control?

 

Life is about control, about choice. For the good or the bad that happens to us we all get to choose to keep riding the rollercoaster. Don't let anyone else control the speed and direction...that's being a coward.

[jj33]

Well I am out of here on this one.

 

Kismet you are not the woman I thought you were. You are a little girl eager for attention. And you are getting more than your share here.

 

You dont seem terribly concerned for his W who must be going through hell, other than with respect to how it may impact you.

 

Not once have I heard you say maybe its time to call it quits. Its a narcissism that exceeds even that of the MM with whom you are involved.

 

I wish you well. Good luck.

[bean1]

I have followed this saga for a while without actually giving any input.

 

The OP is the one with the most power here. The power to say "yes" to the MM (women are not always unpowerful when playing the fragile schtick, empowered with the knowledge that he will always come crawling back), the power over the BS - to go to a BBQ knowing the BS is there (having the full knowledge that the BS does not), and most of all, gaining the attention from everyone here who are so hell-bent on making her "see the light". Let's be real - if she wasn't posting this over and over again, people wouldn't continue to tell her what a great person she was and how she deserved better. The OP is not the victim that people think she is.

 

Like all people who portray themselves as the victim, even the most kind-hearted souls will turn against her. It is already happening here. 240+ posts later, OP still has people trying to help her. She has everyone played.

[KismetGirl]

*sigh* Ok. Sorry. I had you all fooled.

 

I am an evil, narcissistic moron. I don't care about anyone but myself.

 

Is that what you want to hear? I don't get it.

 

I've said before my biggest horror in this happening was not just my own upset at the situation but that I never wanted to tell his wife because I didnt want to cause her any hurt. Why do people always focus on the negative things I say?

 

If I had wanted to be a complete heartless person I could have told her long ago. I wouldn't be sitting around, accepting crumbs from him when I could just go show her any of a million pieces of HARD evidence that would really ruin her memories forever. And I haven't right?

 

Now, because Im upset about how this happened, all of a sudden I have people telling me I am a narcissist???? Cold???? Selfish???? I've been sitting her making myself sick wondering how to let his wife think nothing is going on so she doesnt get upset because Im selfish?

 

Right, I should stop the affair. I really should. But to say Im doing all this because I crave the "attention" of people I dont even know in cyberspace?

 

People come here to vent frustrations in addition to getting advice. Not all advice is taken immediately. I've been posting here...what....less than five months intermittently? And somehow everyone expects that in less than five months, off the posts of strangers who don't see me and everything I deal with except for what I post here, I should magically get over an affair I've been involved in for over four YEARS???? Im trying so very hard, I started in a position where I could never imagine even trying to lower contacts with him, to a point where, up until yesterday when I got this text from him, I had intended to slowly start seeing him less and less to make it easier on myself.

 

You guys have often been really helpful, but sometimes the harshness goes beyond necessary. I can take harsh, dont get me wrong, I get the blunt advice and its fine. But to call me narcissistic, and that Im not really a nice person, and that I come on here because I want attention???Because Im honest when I say I wonder things like what would have happened if his wife found out? You dont think normal people in my situation would WONDER that???? If I wanted her to find out, I could have easily driven to his house and let her in on every effing detail a long time ago and I didnt, and I have said this before, because it saddened me to think of really in reality breaking up his family. That I kept hanging on to him, not because I expected anyting to go my way, but because I liked being around him and all the romantic fantasies in my head , the 'what ifs' were never anything more than that: fantasies.

 

I thought I tried to be honest about things that went through my mind becase of the anonymity of this forum, but in a state of hurt and upset that I am in right now, to be told Im this horrid human being now, is that supposed to accomplish something?

 

Im sorry if I feel like I wasted people's times by posting. Did I make anyone post? Did I make anyone read my threads? Did I?

 

I apologize to anyone I offended, and to anyone who feels I wasted their time.

 

I spend my days listening to people for far longer than 5 months who have addiction problems, who have husbands and boyfriends who beat the sh*t out of them and who should run much faster than I should run from MM and who still can't leave their relationships, who have drug problems and every other issue under the sun, and most of them aren't fixed in five months, let me tell you. It takes years and years and years for some of them to mentally and emotionally move in teh right direction. Im asking for a kind ear and occasional advice from people for less than five months, on a voluntary basis, and now Im being told I basically suck.

 

Thanks very much! That was a fabulous ending to my otherwise fabulous day. Thanks and good night. I'll be back next week or in a few days to update whoever gives a sh*t on what happens when I next speak to MM. Im sure it'll all be over then anyway. I cant call him and he cant call me now that its the weekend, so no choice but to wait and talk after next week gets here.

 

cheers.

[KismetGirl]

For someone that has anxiety I would think that you would want to be more in control of your life, but you're not. You are waiting for everyone else to take control, for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even his wife, everyone here has the power to end this, but you. You've asked for all of this, encouraged it, then complain about it.

 

This is your life, be the star of it, not a backup singer. Why are you so afraid to just live, why are you afraid to take control?

 

Life is about control, about choice. For the good or the bad that happens to us we all get to choose to keep riding the rollercoaster. Don't let anyone else control the speed and direction...that's being a coward.

 

Because I do take control....of everything else in my life.

 

This is what I mean when its very difficult to portray yourself accurately. I come here, and I talk about, basically, ONE thing. Right?

 

i don't talk about problems with family. I don't talk about problems with friends. i don't talk about my day to day worries and struggles and any of a million things that upset me or that I have to take charge of or stress over.

 

I talk about one, single, situation. And yes, that situation upsets me. But it is the ONE area of my life that I do not seem to take active charge in changing. My whole life I have taken care of my family, of friends, of everyone and everything. I worked my whole life, finished school, and despite all my stress, I got one ****ty grade, ONE! I complain I cant focus on studying and I still do pretty well.

 

You know what, Im not making any more excuses. No one wants to hear that sh*t.

 

Im a little confused, because usually people dont post too much when they are actually happy, except to maybe update once in a while. On this thread, anyway. So....am what I hearing is that I should stop posting until something good happens? Or what you want to hear happens?

 

i could do that if that would make you all feel better? I have no idea. Im tired, sorry if I sound defensive, its been a long day.

 

I'm not a victim. Never said I was. In this one area of my life, I dont move to resolve quickly. Admit that. but who cares, its probably going to be resolved next week for sure. Hope that his wife accepts whatever apology he gives her. It wasn't a straight evidence of cheating, just that he had an email account she didn't know about, so, who knows. They've moved on from worse evidence than that, I guess. He isn't leaving her, she isn't leaving him, and that's that. I can't deal with this crap anymore. I'm tired. Im tired of constantly worrying that someone is going to get caught doing ABC, so even if he comes next week and says all is ok, which i highly doubt, i'll tell him i just can't deal with it anymore. I feel like Im about to lose my effing mind right now, I really do, and these last couple of posts did not serve to help.

[SerenityX2]

Now, because Im upset about how this happened, all of a sudden I have people telling me I am a narcissist???? Cold???? Selfish???? I've been sitting her making myself sick wondering how to let his wife think nothing is going on so she doesnt get upset because Im selfish?

 

 

Wow....I came back in between studying to check on you..and don't really have time for a whole lot...but wow Kismet I understand you're hurt and like I've said I don't like to see ANYONE hurt. You've got to know JJ has been on your side trying to help, like me, like many.

 

But seriously isolate the above statement and answer how you think that *not* telling the wife the truth if she confronts you is not in YOUR best interest. It sure as heck is not in the wife's to continue to be gaslighted for FOUR YEARS of her own life. It is not selfless of you to continue to hope that all is okay next week and YOU can continue to detox while her life is in shambles.

 

That's what you're not seeing. You're not seeing beyond your own pain and I'm really sorry for that. But seriously, thinking about ways that you two can lie your way out of it at this point? Wow.

 

You're not sparing her anything the hurt is there Kismet she's just not aware of it YET. She will, it's what everyone warned you about, there's no way things like this stay hidden, it just happened sooner than you'd like.

 

No matter, I seriously think the damage is done. There's no way in hell I would think she wouldn't have demanded to see the contents of the other email immediately.

 

Off to study.....Kismet you say that you are an advocate for other people this is the one thing you're being selfish about. The problem is that *one* tiny thing to you is DESTROYING 3 other innocent peoples lives. And your only thought right now is to try cover it up. Instead of saying okay, this sucks but obviously meant to be, blessing in disguise and move on. You're still holding on to this toxic situation and that's what's frustrating to watch.

[bentnotbroken]

Kis, here is your out. All you have to do is tell the truth and walk away. Do what is right for all involved. His W hasn't deserved to be lied to for 4 years and you know what it is doing to you. Time for him to man up and take responsibility, as should you. Remember FF?

[datura_noir]

I am not a fan of 'abrupt endings' either, KG. But.....

 

About eight years ago, A close family friend/member died. Just up and died, suddenly. Didn't give anyone notice. I was sideswiped, mortified; He was the father that I never had. Really, that sort of closeness-you know, the kind of closeness you expect will always be around, even when you are far away or being a total snit...

 

The point is, you need to be able to deal with 'abrupt endings' in your life, because they do happen. Nothing is as neat as we would like, or as perfect as that movie or book we just finished. Sometimes, it is what it is, and closure has to come from somewhere else.

 

I used a very personal and extreme example here; but your situation does not involve a physical death-only an emotional death..if that makes it easier.

 

My point being, many of us have lived through the abrupt dismissal of a loved one, usually through death-we've made it and come out fine, and survived. You too will make it. But please don't continue in this situation. It sucks, for all involved...

[wildsoul]

I've been sitting her making myself sick wondering how to let his wife think nothing is going on so she doesnt get upset because Im selfish?

Well, YES. You're worried about how to LIE to her more effectively, rather than being worried about the pain she's already in.

 

You've been around addiction recovery enough to have heard this oft-used phrase to describe the way some addicts seem miraculously brought to their bottom:

 

"God is doing for you that which you cannot do for yourself."

 

My take on the whole weird spam thru your email event is that it was a seemingly random act of the universe that uncovered the TRUTH. It's a gift to her, that although painful, may be the answers to her prayers of wondering, "Is my H cheating on me?" You and MM have been hiding the truth, yet now this came out. It seems a bit divinely orchestrated.

 

But KG, this can be a gift for YOU. It can be the straw that broke the stubborn mule's back, where you say, "Enough! I don't feel good about lying to her anymore."

 

And of course, whether or not you accept your gift, he might accept his. Getting caught might make him decide to stop lying to her.

 

It's a very good time to exit the scene. Very good indeed.

[KismetGirl]

Wow....I came back in between studying to check on you..and don't really have time for a whole lot...but wow Kismet I understand you're hurt and like I've said I don't like to see ANYONE hurt. You've got to know JJ has been on your side trying to help, like me, like many.

 

But seriously isolate the above statement and answer how you think that *not* telling the wife the truth if she confronts you is not in YOUR best interest. It sure as heck is not in the wife's to continue to be gaslighted for FOUR YEARS of her own life. It is not selfless of you to continue to hope that all is okay next week and YOU can continue to detox while her life is in shambles.

 

That's what you're not seeing. You're not seeing beyond your own pain and I'm really sorry for that. But seriously, thinking about ways that you two can lie your way out of it at this point? Wow.

 

You're not sparing her anything the hurt is there Kismet she's just not aware of it YET. She will, it's what everyone warned you about, there's no way things like this stay hidden, it just happened sooner than you'd like.

 

No matter, I seriously think the damage is done. There's no way in hell I would think she wouldn't have demanded to see the contents of the other email immediately.

 

Off to study.....Kismet you say that you are an advocate for other people this is the one thing you're being selfish about. The problem is that *one* tiny thing to you is DESTROYING 3 other innocent peoples lives. And your only thought right now is to try cover it up. Instead of saying okay, this sucks but obviously meant to be, blessing in disguise and move on. You're still holding on to this toxic situation and that's what's frustrating to watch.

 

I understand where you are coming from. But the ONLY reason I haven't told her anything, is because , ok, despite all the suspicions she has had, he has never admitted to anything. So she's apparently forgiven and moved on. I mean, she has to have forgiven to a pretty good extent if she continues to build this life, have kids, etc, right? I could be wrong, I guess....but I keep thinking "ok, you can suspect, BUT, if I tell her, she has no hope that maybe he DIDN'T do it."

 

Does that make sense? I feel like, if he's going to stay with her anyway, which Ive always been 99% sure that he would, why should I shatter her world? Ignorance is bliss, right? Yes, yes, she has had suspcions, but she has never had anything concrete that he's done anything more than potentially flirt with a co worker. I feel like if she knew all the gory details, that that would really kill her.

 

Maybe this doesn't make sense to some people as being considerate, and I guess it does sound weird, but I figured this A couldn't possibly last forever, and that if she was going to be the one to stay with him forever, then maybe she'd be better off never knowing what happened in the past. To be honest, even if they DID split up I didn't want it to be because she found out about an affair. I feel like that's one more kick to her while she's down.

 

And sorry, i couldn't help but get majorly insulted all of a sudden. I realize JJ has normally been an advocate of giving nice advice, but that last post by her kind of ....hurt.

 

Anyway....I don't know what to do. I always thought if she found out about an affair it should come from him, not me. I know this sounds stupid to some people, but even moreso than just her, if they didnt have any kids it would be alot easier to tell her. Then it would be just her.

 

I mean...I have a friend who got divorced a year ago, same age as MM, and he had been cheating on his wife for well over two years. He finally divorced her, though it was far less complicated as they had no children. Still, he never told his wife he ultimatly left because he'd had this affair and it made him realize he wasn't happy. he just said whatever else he said, which Im sure hurt nonetheless, but I feel like his wife would have felt soooo much worse if it was like "well, i dont think im in love with you, AND by the way, Ive been sleeping with this other woman"

 

maybe im not making any sense. Maybe it will be more clear when I have some time to think and I get a chance to hear from him what went on over the weekend. I feel like, if he tells me "ok Kismet, that's it, I can't lose my family, I need to work on my marriage" then I would say ok and let it go. I wouldnt go tell his wife, I'd let them do what they feel they have to do. And this time, I wouldnt try to start up again. I'd be hurt but I dont think I can go through another break-up/NC/rekindle of Affair.

 

The last time we broke up and then started up again, I DID tell him, I coudlnt go through another break up. That, and another kid. Both those things. i said if he broke it off again, that would be it. If he got her pregnant again, that would be it. And once I found myself my own relationship, I wouldnt keep him around because while Ive been OW, I dont intend to be MW. So maybe next week will the culmination. i can't do anything right now anyay as I said....I can't call him, he can't call me, so I have to wait. I have to say something, I can't just let it drift off into oblivion, but next week will be the end of it I think. Im tired.

[KismetGirl]

Kis, here is your out. All you have to do is tell the truth and walk away. Do what is right for all involved. His W hasn't deserved to be lied to for 4 years and you know what it is doing to you. Time for him to man up and take responsibility, as should you. Remember FF?

 

What's FF?

 

I'm on the fence about the telling his wife thing, i always have been, for reasons mentioned herein in response to serentiy and many others. After this week....to be honest, she may know already anyway. He may admit to an EA but not a PA, which is also feasible. He may downgrade the extent of the affair, or the length. I have no idea. I have to see what happens next week. He could just keep denying it but I don't think she'll believe him this time.

 

I think if he keeps denying its his email she cant very well see whats in the email account, and maybe that part is for the best. Last thing she needs to see before she goes to sleep at night is an image of a photo of me and her husband in a compromising position. Which I am pretty sure he has at least one of in that email somewhere. No, I did not send it to him he took it himself....always did tell him that was a bad idea to keep such evidence, even in a "secret" email....but I digress....

[KismetGirl]

I am not a fan of 'abrupt endings' either, KG. But.....

 

About eight years ago, A close family friend/member died. Just up and died, suddenly. Didn't give anyone notice. I was sideswiped, mortified; He was the father that I never had. Really, that sort of closeness-you know, the kind of closeness you expect will always be around, even when you are far away or being a total snit...

 

The point is, you need to be able to deal with 'abrupt endings' in your life, because they do happen. Nothing is as neat as we would like, or as perfect as that movie or book we just finished. Sometimes, it is what it is, and closure has to come from somewhere else.

 

I used a very personal and extreme example here; but your situation does not involve a physical death-only an emotional death..if that makes it easier.

 

My point being, many of us have lived through the abrupt dismissal of a loved one, usually through death-we've made it and come out fine, and survived. You too will make it. But please don't continue in this situation. It sucks, for all involved...

 

Ive had time to calm down a little and its hard to sound rational when you are feeling extremely emotional....I hope people on here realize that. This affair is not, as I've said, the only stressor I deal with right now and all piled up together, when something like this comes out of left field, which it kind of was very unexpected....it takes a few days before i can even rationally think about it i guess...

 

of course abrupt things happen.....one of my best friends died last semester. I'd been friends with her over 10 years. I dealt with that and still kind of do on a daily...*sigh* Then i have school, studying, working all day, family obligations (am kind of like a Mommy #2 to all my younger siblings), friend things, money stress, you know, it all piles up. Losing my friend had a big effect on me, I dont really like to talk about it.

 

So anyway, yes, life throws a lot of sh*t your way, I get it. Which is probably why I cling so much to this affair, I guess. I know its doomed to failure and just dont want to deal with it. Keep thinking, ok, its going to end at some point, but let's just push having to deal wth off just a little...bit...longer.

 

I rationalize that if his wife never finds out she cant be hurt. I guess you cant control everything in life, hard as I try. Like weird spamming software that comes out of no where and sends an email with your lover's secret email to his wife. What are the chances, huh?

 

Yeah it does suck. And after all this time Im not sure I can do it any longer now that I sit and (semi-) calmly think. Have a distinct feeling it will all be over next week. If it's not, I reckon I will have to tell him it's too much for me, for him, for everyone. Maybe he will leave her in 10-20 years, or maybe he'll live out his days with her. Im guessing the latter option is more likely. So....let his kids have their dad to grow up with , living with them. I'll get over it eventually I guess. It just sucks right now.

[KismetGirl]

Well, YES. You're worried about how to LIE to her more effectively, rather than being worried about the pain she's already in.

 

You've been around addiction recovery enough to have heard this oft-used phrase to describe the way some addicts seem miraculously brought to their bottom:

 

"God is doing for you that which you cannot do for yourself."

 

My take on the whole weird spam thru your email event is that it was a seemingly random act of the universe that uncovered the TRUTH. It's a gift to her, that although painful, may be the answers to her prayers of wondering, "Is my H cheating on me?" You and MM have been hiding the truth, yet now this came out. It seems a bit divinely orchestrated.

 

But KG, this can be a gift for YOU. It can be the straw that broke the stubborn mule's back, where you say, "Enough! I don't feel good about lying to her anymore."

 

And of course, whether or not you accept your gift, he might accept his. Getting caught might make him decide to stop lying to her.

 

It's a very good time to exit the scene. Very good indeed.

 

Nothing I say to her is going to lessen any pain she gets at this point....I guess I didnt want to make it worse by telling her tawdry details. What does she need it for anyway.

 

It is all a bit random and divinely orchestrated isn't it. Im not religious, but I have to say, it seems pretty ridiculous the chances are that THIS is the way she finds out, of all the other possible ways to catch someone, this one is a bit weird. But true, so ::shrug::: it happens, I guess

 

Well, like I said, we all may be exiting the scene by next week. Today was a day for me to stress and panic all day. Tomorrow , and this wekened, I need to be more calm. Im not going to think about him or her until Monday. There's nothing I can do between now and then, so I'll wait and see. Me thinks its all over. Well, between me and him anyway. Suppose will have to wait and see what he says she said over the weekend....

[datura_noir]

Well, as a BS all I can add is...

 

As much as I had my head in the sand AND as much of an IT professional my husband is, I came away with a WHOLE LOTof circumstantial evidence on d-day..the rest came through his hard to hide emotions.

 

Do not underestimate a suspicious spouse.....