Invited to same BBQ as MM and his W, WWYD?

[KismetGirl]

Well, as a BS all I can add is...

 

As much as I had my head in the sand AND as much of an IT professional my husband is, I came away with a WHOLE LOTof circumstantial evidence on d-day..the rest came through his hard to hide emotions.

 

Do not underestimate a suspicious spouse.....

 

As a BS, then (and other BS's free to respond as well), try to think non-emotionally but just objectively....if your husband had an affair, for whatever period of time, but the affair eventually ended, and you two remained married and otherwise happy....would you prefer that someone told you, or would you rather have lived our your life happily never knowing?

 

I dont mean that things were going bad, or that he had another affair. I mean in a situation where it was one person, one affair, and it ended. Would you still want to have known?

 

I am so on the fence about this telling his wife thing i really am. Despite my selfish actions of remaining an OW, I do feel for her and I don't want to hurt her further uneccesarilly....if she can live out the rest of her life with him not having to know details that wont make adifferent i'd rather not tell her. I do not believe, in my heart, that he will bother with another affair with another woman again after me.

[datura_noir]

I admire your sense of ambivalence in telling her. It probably is not your place. I would stay clear.

 

As a BS, I would like to think that I would have been respected enough to have been told-by anyone but the OW....for you see, it would have allowed me to make informed decisions about the course of my life. I would rather know, even if things 'look happy'. I want to 'be happy'.

 

Because I am educated enough to know that if I am in a situation that I do not want to stay in, regardless of the bonds, I can be okay and I will make it.

 

Don't worry about telling her or covering for the MM; she probably already has enough evidence for what she needs-whether it be reconciliation OR divorce. She may be waiting to get her ducks in a row, so to speak, because he sounds like (from what you have described) as the ultimate gaslighter. And let me tell you, they are a particularly nasty type of emotional abuser. I can't imagine you would ever se yourself tied to him in any way, shape or form. Life is too short.

[KismetGirl]

I admire your sense of ambivalence in telling her. It probably is not your place. I would stay clear.

 

As a BS, I would like to think that I would have been respected enough to have been told-by anyone but the OW....for you see, it would have allowed me to make informed decisions about the course of my life. I would rather know, even if things 'look happy'. I want to 'be happy'.

 

Because I am educated enough to know that if I am in a situation that I do not want to stay in, regardless of the bonds, I can be okay and I will make it.

 

Don't worry about telling her or covering for the MM; she probably already has enough evidence for what she needs-whether it be reconciliation OR divorce. She may be waiting to get her ducks in a row, so to speak, because he sounds like (from what you have described) as the ultimate gaslighter. And let me tell you, they are a particularly nasty type of emotional abuser. I can't imagine you would ever se yourself tied to him in any way, shape or form. Life is too short.

 

So....you WOULD want to know of the affair...just from anyone BUT the OW? Which means you might never know, then?

 

I dont really want to be the one to tell her anything.

 

Other than this affair, it seems like he is the perfect picture of husband and father, provider and all that. She wanted to stay home with the kids, so he got a second job. She wants to do something on the weekend, he stays with the family all the time, never goes out anymore, doesnt stay out drinking with his buddies.

 

I dont know. I guess I dont know how he acts towards her at home, but i can't imagine him being mean to her or anything.....

 

Guess I probably wont say anything to her....I am ravenously curious, for lack of better word, to know what he said to her and what she said back. CHRIST. All my friends are happy and are saying to take this as a blessing and get out, and I know they're right too just like everyone here. I knew this had to end eventually I really did....I just didn't want it to be this way.

[jwi71]

As a BS, then (and other BS's free to respond as well), try to think non-emotionally but just objectively....if your husband had an affair, for whatever period of time, but the affair eventually ended, and you two remained married and otherwise happy....would you prefer that someone told you, or would you rather have lived our your life happily never knowing?

 

I dont mean that things were going bad, or that he had another affair. I mean in a situation where it was one person, one affair, and it ended. Would you still want to have known?

 

I am so on the fence about this telling his wife thing i really am. Despite my selfish actions of remaining an OW, I do feel for her and I don't want to hurt her further uneccesarilly....if she can live out the rest of her life with him not having to know details that wont make adifferent i'd rather not tell her. I do not believe, in my heart, that he will bother with another affair with another woman again after me.

 

Hi KG.

 

As you prolly know I am a BS.

 

I'll twist your Q just a bit:

 

Now that I know that my

W

had an A would I rather I did not?

And its both a simple and complex answer. The short version is no. I would STILL want to know. Even after losing the house, my car, my job and all that cash (therapy, selling cars, liquidating businesses, losing the house, lawyers...yikes!)...I would STILL rather know. In fact, I would choose to endure it again if presented the opportunity to rewrite history so I did NOT know.

 

Despite all the soul crushing pain, my life WILL be better. I am either free of her and some of her deep seeded character flaws OR we each face our own demons and a new M arises.

 

I am FAR better for knowing and I would choose so again.

 

I NEVER knew I was a prisoner until I knew the truth. It DOES set you free.

 

Should YOU tell her? I think so. I have said it before and I'll say it again...it appears to be the only way for YOU to move on. For his W to move on. For HIM to move on. Maybe he faces himself only when standing on the precipice. Maybe, when the dust settles, they decide to try and form a new bond.

 

But until she knows KG, you are her jailer. Holding her captive and refusing to set her free - which makes YOU selfish. Which is what the truth does. Only then does she know and she can choose.

 

And for you? Yeah, tbh you're life will pretty much suck. Of course, it sucks now so I don't see the loss. You WILL lose the MM...and that's a great thing for YOU.

 

You gain FREEDOM. This cloud has been hanging over you and darkening your days for years. Step into the sun dear...for YOU.

[Athena]

This is a post in the thread "Lessons learned from an OW" and I think you KG will benefit from reading this:

 

Prepare to bleed.

 

Even if you had a great sense of self worth beforehand, it will be no time at all before that will become a fading memory.

 

Why is that?

 

Some people would say it's because you're screwed up to begin with. Possibly. I can't say. All I can say is being in the shadows makes you become a shadow...

 

 

 

* Ironically enough, the longer you are willing to settle for less (because god forbid you are anything like their true partner and demand to get your needs met too), the easier it becomes to be taken for granted. You teach people how to treat you.

 

* You don't get supported, cared for...anything at all. Instead you get taken from. Again and again and again.

 

* By participating in it, you become tainted in their eyes. Unfair and odd that should happen, but I've heard of this happening.

 

* You "blow your wad" so to speak. Most of the time the timing of these things is way off. It's hard to put into words, but most of the time (not all!), these things happen at the wrong time. Meaning - it might've "worked" had he really been ready to become yours out in the open...but he wasn't quite as ready as you may have been led to believe (if he ever was)...therefore, by the time he does get out...you will be associated with a crappy time in his life, and he may very likely be tired of you by then, too!

 

* Every time he goes home, you will be reminded that he isn't yours.

 

* Every time something good happens, you will be reminded that he's really at home and you can't share that. Because you are not a priority.

 

* Every time you need help, or are down you will be reminded that he can't help you...he is in a "situation".

 

 

 

 

Sometimes it does works out, but I wouldn't bet on it. AT ALL.

I think even some of the people who ended up in the circumstances they wished to be in can attest to that.

[NoIDidn't]

Other than this affair, it seems like he is the perfect picture of husband and father, provider and all that. She wanted to stay home with the kids, so he got a second job. She wants to do something on the weekend, he stays with the family all the time, never goes out anymore, doesnt stay out drinking with his buddies.

 

 

Little by little more details that actually normalize their relationship come out. Why do you torture yourself by making excuses for staying in the affair, and now even trying to find ways to lie about it?

 

Please have some self-respect. Do you really want to be known as that woman? Imagine if your patients knew of your private life.

 

Using the same logic of "aside from the affair", he respects her. He values her and her desires. But he tells you not to call him or email him again because of spam.

 

But you don't see it.

[Owl]

KG, you wouldn't be "ruining her life" by showing her any of those millions of pieces of hard evidence.

 

You'd be freeing her to make an INFORMED decision on what to do from here.

 

Not that she'd thank you...but you get the idea.

 

Not telling her is NOT about being nice to her, or helping her.

 

It's about setting the stage to continue the affair...and nothing more.

 

If you told her...it would be the definitive end to the affair...one way or another. You want this situation to continue, so you'll do nothing to threaten a change. Again...recognize it for what it is.

 

It's not being altruistic...it's being pragmatic.

 

if you truly wanted to do something for her...end the affair with her husband.

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT call her and tell her, it isn't your place to do that, but if his wife calls you and asks you about the affair and how far it went, then come clean and answer her questions honestly. By doing that, you'll not only help her, but you'll set yourself free of the MM. Own your part in the affair, don't put it all on him though..It took BOTH of you to create this affair and keep it going.

 

Anyway, I do hope today you're feeling better and keeping busy.

[KismetGirl]

I don't think i am going to call anyone. I know a couple BSs have indicated they'd rather know, but I think its hard to seperate emotions after you've already known your partner cheated and imagine "well, what would it be life if i never found out". I think if I went and called her right now, it would just seem like this mailicious thing, like Im trying to rub her face in it. She isn't an idiot, she has enough to either figure it out or accept what he tells her....again. I've been feeling so ill the past couple of days, I feel just...joyless right now. I told my mom what happened and how I feel responsible somehow for her finding this email, even though in reality it obviously wasn't my fault directly, and she said "screw him, it's his fault. he cheated, he was dumb enough to check a secret email account from his own home computer, he's the one risking a family he supposedly loves, you didn't force him to do anything." And she's right, i didn't.

 

I doubt she'll call me. If she did I don't think I could lie to her face (voice, whatever), but I doubt she'll call me. I don't even think she'll email me. I obviously haven't spoken to him , so don't know what's going on, though I wish I did. I hate not knowing.

 

guess will have to wait till next week :-( Am feeling pretty terrible for a plethora of reasons, and have way too much I have to do and focus on. It's out of my hands, right now. That's what I kept trying to tell myself driving to work today, it's out of my hands, i can't do anything right now. It is what it is. I miss him already...I can't help it. I've already started getting this mindset going that it's over, just haven't officially had chance to speak to him yet to make anything official, I guess.

[wildsoul]

Good decision, KG. I don't think you should call her either. At most, be honest with her if she calls you.

 

Your only real decision here should be about when and how to exit the affair.

 

Worrying about anything else here is a distraction.

[Owl]

I guess I'm still just stupid.

 

I don't get it.

 

What is out of your hands? Why do you have to wait til next week?

 

You could always simply send him a short text/email/whatever telling him not to contact you next week...it's over.

 

There is NOTHING stopping you from doing this but you.

[whichwayisup]

I've already started getting this mindset going that it's over, just haven't officially had chance to speak to him yet to make anything official, I guess.

 

That's good. Because even IF he calls and tells you "just lay low for afew months and then we can continue the A.." YOU would be better off telling him no, that you are sick of being second fiddle and no longer want to be his OW. In your mind, MAKE IT OVER, say it outloud and start your grieving process. Don't sit and wait for him to officially end it.

[fooled once]

What I don't understand is why are you waiting for him to end it with you?

 

Why don't you just end it with him and NOT take his calls anymore?

 

What kind of job does he have that he can't take 5 minutes to talk to you?

 

If YOU truly are done, then just don't take his calls.

 

But it doesn't sound like you are really done.

 

If he calls you and wants to continue this affair, will you continue with it?

[KismetGirl]

What I don't understand is why are you waiting for him to end it with you?

 

Why don't you just end it with him and NOT take his calls anymore?

 

What kind of job does he have that he can't take 5 minutes to talk to you?

 

If YOU truly are done, then just don't take his calls.

 

But it doesn't sound like you are really done.

 

If he calls you and wants to continue this affair, will you continue with it?

 

I don't know. I guess I don't like to feel like things just have no ending. Even when we broke things off on previous occasions, I demanded he came speak to me in person , because I said the least he owed me was the courtesy of speaking to me and looking me in my face when we ended things. And he agreed.

 

He can't discuss this with me at work. The nature of the environment we used to work in (I used to work with him), there are patients/clients and employees constantly milling about. Not the best environment for any emotional or private conversation, and I think he knows that he would owe me more than a quick 2 minute conversation. God knows how we used to sneak off to hook up in the office, but a bit harder when your trying to have a phone call and dont want others listening in. Im guessing thats why he said he'd call me this week. I dont know.

 

Whether I am done or not physically, mentally it takes longer to be "done". I feel like I am just still in shock from the sudden events of last week and my thinking is such that I need finality to things,a nd I can't get that without having "conclusive" conversation.

 

Part of me hopes he comes to me this week and tells me everything will be ok and we can still see each other, and part of me wonders if this would be a catalyst to his wife leaving him, and yet another part of me wants to be done with it and not be stressed over this situation anymore. I tried not to think about him at all over the weekend, but now its the week coming and I cant help but wonder what he'll tell me this week. Oh well. guess I'll find out imminantly.

[KismetGirl]

That's good. Because even IF he calls and tells you "just lay low for afew months and then we can continue the A.." YOU would be better off telling him no, that you are sick of being second fiddle and no longer want to be his OW. In your mind, MAKE IT OVER, say it outloud and start your grieving process. Don't sit and wait for him to officially end it.

 

He would never have the nerve to tell me to "lay low for a few months until i can continue the A". He would either say everything is ok and we can keep going as we were, or he'd end it altogether. He would never have the nerve to be so ballsy as to ask me to sit and wait for him. That much I know. Whether or not he hopes I would lay low and then come back to him is another story, but he'd never verbalize it.

 

In either case we can't go forward as we were anyway. Even if he does tell me we can continue the affair (though god knows how that would be possible given last weeks events) I would tell him it can't go on the way it's been going and I don't like this feeling of being so unimportant in the grand scheme of his life anymore. But i have a sneaking suspicion, if we go on the past behavioural response to such events, that he'll tell me he's in major trouble. It'll probably be like after she found the photos three years ago and he said he was on a tight leash and was going straight from home to work and back and didn't want to "lose his kids and life", and even though he came back to me all those times, Im not sure about this time.

 

Anyway, will let you all know what happens this week....*sigh*

[gopher]

Yikes, you guys are addicted to each other and to the drama. I feel for both of you.

[KismetGirl]

Got this email from MM today:

 

"hey,

sorry about the little delay. if it's any consolation it has been a miserable couple of days..collateral damage including my son's 3rd birthday. anyways, hoping you are around one day this week. need to talk to you, i'm sure you know where this is going. let me know when u r around. hope u r enjoying this very english weather."

 

Yeah, so, if we are going to go by the pattern of history in our 4+ years , this is the sort of communication I might get right after he gets in trouble, and right before things end for a while. Though I suppose maybe this time it is "for good."

 

Wrote him back that I have a few things I need to say to him too. Which I do. i've held alot back, alot of feelings in, over the years, thinking there was no point in saying them, not wanting to scare him off or make him uncomfortable, but I guess it doesn't matter if I say them now except to feel better myself that I haven't left anything hanging between us. Guess we'll see. Will probably be able to see him in a couple days. I need to think, because if this is really the end, I want to make sure he knows everything I've been holding back. All the concerns, and what ifs and why why why's I have expressed on this board all the time, maybe now is the best time to just f**k it all and ask.

 

*sigh* wish me luck....

[Owl]

This cracks me up...

 

There's nothing left to discuss. There's NO purpose behind another meeting, other than to ask you to go on ice for a while so that he can rebuild his lies for his wife...and then go right back to cheating with you again.

 

You know this already, after four years.

 

But you continue to fall for it...every single time.

 

If you want to change your pattern...send him a very short email saying "Yep, I know where this is at...over...forever this time. Bye!". Then block his emails and remove him from your life.

 

Why do I bother to keep repeating myself here?

[KismetGirl]

This cracks me up...

 

There's nothing left to discuss. There's NO purpose behind another meeting, other than to ask you to go on ice for a while so that he can rebuild his lies for his wife...and then go right back to cheating with you again.

 

You know this already, after four years.

 

But you continue to fall for it...every single time.

 

If you want to change your pattern...send him a very short email saying "Yep, I know where this is at...over...forever this time. Bye!". Then block his emails and remove him from your life.

 

Why do I bother to keep repeating myself here?

 

No, trust me, if I go on the past 4 years, then when he asks me to "talk" like this, especially following an event such as last week when he has gotten in serious trouble with his wife, it is generally to break up with me. he NEVER asks me to placate and wait for him to cool things off at home. He usually just breaks up with me. And this time I think it really is for good.

 

i can't help it, Owl, I have unanswered questions and this might be my last opportunity to just ask them already. It's hurtful, Owl....surely you must have imagined, at one point, what it would be like to never see someone again whom you really love. It's an awful feeling....so forgive me, I can't just be like "ok, sorry MM, peace out" and be on with my day. If all goes according to history, he'll tell me he's in major trouble, that he's on a tight leash, and that he can't see me anymore. And maybe I'll have a chance to say everything that's been on my mind, and that's it. Then it'll be time to figure out how to move on, I guess.

[2sure]

Obviously you know each other well -

 

Why does he feel it should be some consolation to you to know that his son's 3rd birthday was ruined because of the damage caused by the affair?

 

Honestly. As if he believes that would make you feel better?

It sounds as though he is once again making himself the martyr.

He may think this "collateral damage" makes the pain even for both of you....

 

The victims of his actions now include his children, not just his wife. Yet, he sees this a sacrifice he has made.

[Owl]

No, trust me, if I go on the past 4 years, then when he asks me to "talk" like this, especially following an event such as last week when he has gotten in serious trouble with his wife, it is generally to break up with me. he NEVER asks me to placate and wait for him to cool things off at home. He usually just breaks up with me. And this time I think it really is for good.

 

I disagree. Look at your past four years. You've never REALLY broken up...well...maybe one time when you had NC for nearly a year. But what it has REALLY boiled down to is a "cooling off" period...followed sooner or later by a warming trend.

 

He's not blind...he can see the same trends that I have by reading your posts. He may say that this is to break things off...but what he really means is "for now". Your history proves this.

 

i can't help it, Owl, I have unanswered questions and this might be my last opportunity to just ask them already. It's hurtful, Owl....surely you must have imagined, at one point, what it would be like to never see someone again whom you really love. It's an awful feeling....so forgive me, I can't just be like "ok, sorry MM, peace out" and be on with my day. If all goes according to history, he'll tell me he's in major trouble, that he's on a tight leash, and that he can't see me anymore. And maybe I'll have a chance to say everything that's been on my mind, and that's it. Then it'll be time to figure out how to move on, I guess.

 

Oh yesa...I've faced the concept of losing the one I love forever. She wasn't even going to say "goodbye".

 

The difference here is that you've played this same game over and over and over for the last four years, KG. What possible unanswered questions could be left at this point?

 

If this were the first time that the two of you faced this...I might almost believe it, and might almost understand your viewpoint.

 

But it's not...which is why I don't buy into the whole thing that you're somehow "surprised" by anything that he's doing, or any actions that he's taken or not taken. And for this same reason, I don't buy into your "powerlessness" in all of this.

 

As I've said...you're sitting here waiting for the next cycle in the relationship for one reason only...because this is where you want to be.

 

You know this is just another cycle...just as he does.

 

And it will be...until something changes the equation. His wife, most likely.

[KismetGirl]

I disagree. Look at your past four years. You've never REALLY broken up...well...maybe one time when you had NC for nearly a year. But what it has REALLY boiled down to is a "cooling off" period...followed sooner or later by a warming trend.

 

He's not blind...he can see the same trends that I have by reading your posts. He may say that this is to break things off...but what he really means is "for now". Your history proves this.

 

 

 

Oh yesa...I've faced the concept of losing the one I love forever. She wasn't even going to say "goodbye".

 

The difference here is that you've played this same game over and over and over for the last four years, KG. What possible unanswered questions could be left at this point?

 

If this were the first time that the two of you faced this...I might almost believe it, and might almost understand your viewpoint.

 

But it's not...which is why I don't buy into the whole thing that you're somehow "surprised" by anything that he's doing, or any actions that he's taken or not taken. And for this same reason, I don't buy into your "powerlessness" in all of this.

 

As I've said...you're sitting here waiting for the next cycle in the relationship for one reason only...because this is where you want to be.

 

You know this is just another cycle...just as he does.

 

And it will be...until something changes the equation. His wife, most likely.

 

But it's not exactly the same. i can see where the pattern might indicate that this is just a "cooling off" period, but I think, at the moment, every time we've broken it off, at least in my mind I really did think "ok, he really means it this time" and I think he convinced himself he really meant it too, until later, I guess.

 

What's different about this time though is, unlike the other times, I cant possibly see what excuse or whatever he could have told his wife that she could even WANT to make herself believe. Every other time he gave some semi-feasible excuse and she'd believe it (or want to believe it, whichever) and this time, though Im speculating as I havent really spoken to him yet and I guess I'll find out for sure this week when I see him, is that I don't think he has any way out of it this time. I wouldnt be surprised if she gave him some sort of ultimatum this time around, some sort of "if i ever catch you lying to me again I'll divorce you" deals, which I dont think he ever got before. She obviously didn't say she's going to divorce him this time or he wouldn't have sounded so calm on the phone today, but perhaps she threatened it.

 

My unanswered questions are basically alot of the things I talk about here that I never really bother to address with him. Sort of pointedly telling him that I think he's full of sh*t when he says his marriage is happy, because happy people might mess up once or twice in moments of frustration, but happily married people do not cheat over, and over, and over for 4+ years. Or really tell him how hurt I've been every time I've had to deal with the rollercoasters of breaking up and getting back, or watching him go home to his wife, of wondering this and wondering that. I never really bother him about it normally, dont know why. I feel like I have all this stuff I just want to yell at him and get it out of my system....I dont know. I guess thats why I am ok with seeing him again to talk in person. I want to see what he has to say and maybe have a chance to say somethng myself. Im not making any sense am I....argh. It's hot in here, I cant think straight, sorry.

[Owl]

But it's not exactly the same. i can see where the pattern might indicate that this is just a "cooling off" period, but I think, at the moment, every time we've broken it off, at least in my mind I really did think "ok, he really means it this time" and I think he convinced himself he really meant it too, until later, I guess.

 

Which again mirrors exactly how you feel this time as well.

 

What's different about this time though is, unlike the other times, I cant possibly see what excuse or whatever he could have told his wife that she could even WANT to make herself believe. Every other time he gave some semi-feasible excuse and she'd believe it (or want to believe it, whichever) and this time, though Im speculating as I havent really spoken to him yet and I guess I'll find out for sure this week when I see him, is that I don't think he has any way out of it this time. I wouldnt be surprised if she gave him some sort of ultimatum this time around, some sort of "if i ever catch you lying to me again I'll divorce you" deals, which I dont think he ever got before. She obviously didn't say she's going to divorce him this time or he wouldn't have sounded so calm on the phone today, but perhaps she threatened it.

 

As you've said...speculation that it might be over this time. The problem is that you're basing everything off what you're guessing is going on in his marriage, rather than basing everything off what you know is going on in your life.

 

My unanswered questions are basically alot of the things I talk about here that I never really bother to address with him. Sort of pointedly telling him that I think he's full of sh*t when he says his marriage is happy, because happy people might mess up once or twice in moments of frustration, but happily married people do not cheat over, and over, and over for 4+ years. Or really tell him how hurt I've been every time I've had to deal with the rollercoasters of breaking up and getting back, or watching him go home to his wife, of wondering this and wondering that. I never really bother him about it normally, dont know why. I feel like I have all this stuff I just want to yell at him and get it out of my system....I dont know. I guess thats why I am ok with seeing him again to talk in person. I want to see what he has to say and maybe have a chance to say somethng myself. Im not making any sense am I....argh. It's hot in here, I cant think straight, sorry.

 

 

Here's the thing. He could be in a "happy marriage". He's happy, because he's got his family at home, and his part time playmate on the side. She's happy, except for when this whole "cheating" thing comes up.

 

See, again you're making assumptions and guesses on his marriage.

 

That's really just none of your business, when you get down to it. You don't know, and guessing just gives you something to do between his weekly roll in the sheets.

 

The "happiness factor" of his marriage is irrelevent. It doesn't matter if he believes it's happy or not...nor do I have any idea why you would try to tell him about the state of a relationship that you have absolutely no insight to at all. A relationship that you're bound to have a skewed viewpoint on, given your interest in him.

 

This is all still just focus on the drama, and not doing one thing to fix the situation. It's still just one more way for you to stay involved in his life, in his situation. It's still just one more excuse to let him come by for a last roll in the hay before he goes on his way...for a short time.

 

You still refuse to take ownership of your own life.

 

You still refuse to accept the responsibilty of your choice to continue on with him, regardless of his marriage, regardless of the stress it creates in your life...or perhaps because of the stress it creates in your life.

 

Quit trying to to tell him what his marriage is like...what he feels...and start focusing on fixing the darned problem already.

[Reggie]

You must truly love this weirdness and drama to keep going back for more. 4 years of this? Time to grow up and act morally. eh?

[complicatedlife]

My unanswered questions are basically alot of the things I talk about here that I never really bother to address with him. Sort of pointedly telling him that I think he's full of sh*t when he says his marriage is happy, because happy people might mess up once or twice in moments of frustration, but happily married people do not cheat over, and over, and over for 4+ years. Or really tell him how hurt I've been every time I've had to deal with the rollercoasters of breaking up and getting back, or watching him go home to his wife, of wondering this and wondering that. I never really bother him about it normally, dont know why. I feel like I have all this stuff I just want to yell at him and get it out of my system....I dont know. I guess thats why I am ok with seeing him again to talk in person. I want to see what he has to say and maybe have a chance to say somethng myself. Im not making any sense am I....argh. It's hot in here, I cant think straight, sorry.

 

I've never posted in your thread, but I have read a lot of your posts; never felt that I needed to add to what others have said.

 

In many ways, I have understood a lot of what you have said about how you feel because I've been where you are, and it's the kind of emotions that are going to be very difficult for someone to understand when one has never been in this kind of situation.

 

However....

 

I don't understand where you are coming from with the bolded part. Why does any of that matter? Whether he is happy or not, he is there. His happiness or unhappiness is obviously not a determining factor in the situation you are in with him, and frankly, that is on him to sort out on his own and/or with his spouse.

 

As far as the rest, I understand the need to vent specifically to him about how you have been and currently are feeling....what I don't understand is why this needs to be in a meeting as opposed to an email, or even a telephone conversation. I hear you on closure, but, hell, when it's done, it's done - no need to meet in person.

 

I am not going to speak about him and his feelings - I am going to speak solely on behalf of yours:

 

If you don't want to deal with this anymore, then don't. End it. But if you know that you are not ready to go - if your heart has not caught up to your head, all of this is semantics and this is just another cycle, as Owl said. And while your heart may not be ready, that doesn't mean that it is not time to end something that you know is not healthy for you - you have all the power and control here, trust me!! Try using some of that power and you will see the results.

 

It is also very beneficial to take breaks from LS - I enjoy reading here and contributing every once in awhile, but sometimes you need to hear your own voice without any interferance. I did this and it worked for me - I had too many different opinions, and so many of them sounded like sound advice, suggestions, and opinions. And if you believe in a higher power, now is the time to turn to that/Him/Her in your time of need. Hang in there, I know it's rough.