Invited to same BBQ as MM and his W, WWYD?

[KismetGirl]

I have read the subsequent posts. I quoted this one because it is the only one that addresses the point of why you have to meet face2face rather than just dumping him via email / text / whatever other asynchronous means. Nothing in any of the subsequent posts makes a case for f2f - in fact, if anything, it makes a case AGAINST f2f. If, given your past history, the likely dynamic is you will feel "upset, passive, crying and not knowing what to say" but you REALLY want to change things this time and say the things you're worrried you may leave unsaid, then the very best way to attain that is to craft an email, when you're rational and calm, and send it. You can take as long as you like in the crafting. You can hit send as soon as you feel it is polished enough. He will have to read it through without being able to interrupt you, distract you or cause you to flounder through subtle body language cues. In short, you will be guaranteed his full attention.

 

It's true you won't be able to convey the full impact of crying - your motivation for wanting to do it f2f - but if you really want to say what you need to, and really want to be heard... then f2f is NOT likely to be the way to go, given your ingrained dynamic.

 

But this meeting isn't about you breaking up with him, is it? You're not wanting to break up with him. You're opting for the passive position of being the (relunctant) dumpee. And you don't want to email him in case - just perhaps - he's not really going to break up with you after all, but is going to pull some magical rabbit out of a hat, and make it all better, just like that...

 

It's not going to happen, KG. Send him the mail, seize the initiative and change the dynamic - end things on your own terms and walk away with some dignity - or CHOOSE to remain a slave to your pattern. The power is yours. It's up to you whether you have the balls to use it.

 

You have a point in the general sense, if I knew he'd be able to sit and rationally and calmly read my entire email and have time to think about it, but he won't. Face to face is the only way I can get him to really listen to every word Im saying and understand the breadth of my feelings right now.

 

He's obviously not going to be looking at that secret email right now, or anytime soon, if ever again. Especially not from his house. that leaves checking his email while at work. We used to work together. The company blocks access to the website to check that "secret email" altogether. The only way I can reach him by email is his work email, which he will quickly scan over in between ten million patients and staff walking around, talking to him, meeting with him and looking over his shoulder , which means that's all he'll do- try to quickly scan what Ive written while in the midst of a busy work day, and I feel like most of what I try to say will be lost. So yes, seeing me in person he'll see me cry, as whatever, I can't help but cry in these occasions as much as I try not to sometimes, but Im hoping that, for at least the hour or two that he will be at my place, he will not be distracted by co-workers and patients milling about and talking to him as he hurriedly reads an email from me, so he will have no choice but to just LISTEN to me.

 

And no I really dont honestly believe he's going to give me some magical rabbit out of the hat, or magically tell me that at that moment he's changed his mind on breaking up. i think his email to me the other day was pretty clear on where the conversation is going to lead. If he had "good" news for me, or news that everything will be "as it was before", he would have said in the email that I shouldnt worry and he'll see me per usual. He didn't. He told me about the miserable couple of days he's had, he mentioned the fact that his son's birthday weekend was marred by the unpleasant mood in the house, which Im sure made him feel like a total d**k, and then he said he needed to talk to me and that he was sure I knew were this conversation was going to go. And i do. i've been in this situation before almost like deja vu, almost exactly three years ago. Strangely enough, the time she found those photos of me in the email, was almost exactly this same time of year, right before his son, who turned three this week, was born three years ago.

 

I know exactly what he will say , for the most part, when I see him in a couple days. I can't change that, all I am going to do is say my piece , let him give me a goodbye kiss and hug me as he always does, and watch him walk out the door. That's it. Then I'll go cry in bed most of the day, call my girlfriend, go into the city, get drunk and pray that I get over him sooner than later. And that's all I can do is try to keep my focus in the positive direction, which is incredibly hard for me , and I am a clinically depressed individual, and I think people on here, for the most part, have nary a clue what it is like to really be this way. I think you guys, despite your well=wishing advice, have no idea what it is like to feel like you are in a constant state of black. Here i had written a long shpeel on depression and how its hard to understand if youre not there, but it doesnt matter, its like banging my head on a wall. Im trying to move forward I really am, and I have no indications or realistic expectations that he will change his mind and magically not break it off this week. I know thats exactly whats happening in two days. Im just trying to figure out how to best deal with it from my end rather than the way Ive dealt with it every time before, because obviously, those times it didnt go too well for me afterwards.

[Island Girl]

And for all those people who for whatever reason dont sense any anger, I cant possibly see how. Ive had a million posts before that adequatly expressed my anger and frustration.

 

I can only speak for myself and what I refer to as the lack of anger that I see.

 

The justification you continuously offer up for him, the constant reference to him as "not selfish", and the fact that you just want HIM to know he is loved speak to the fact that while you may be angry about some things you are still not righteously angry for yourself and his using you for his own selfishness.

 

He is a selfish man.

 

He has put you and your feelings on the back burner while he has placated his wife and played the part of the good husband.

 

He has thoughtlessly expected you to put all of your wants on hold while he then makes reparations on his other life. Preserving the fact that he DOES have someone to depend on and turn to. He DOES have someone to hold at night and a family to share his entire life with.

And he SEES you going without all of these things for FOUR friggin' years - yet he is perfectly okay with that.

 

He knows you get scraps and that the relationship you have with him is not everything you deserve.

 

How he makes that okay for himself I don't know.

But your anger over the wasted time in your life, his disregard for the missing parts in your life, and about accepting crumbs when you deserved the entire cake WITH a side of ice cream remains to be seen.

[serial muse]

You have a point in the general sense, if I knew he'd be able to sit and rationally and calmly read my entire email and have time to think about it, but he won't. Face to face is the only way I can get him to really listen to every word Im saying and understand the breadth of my feelings right now.

 

He's obviously not going to be looking at that secret email right now, or anytime soon, if ever again. Especially not from his house. that leaves checking his email while at work. We used to work together. The company blocks access to the website to check that "secret email" altogether. The only way I can reach him by email is his work email, which he will quickly scan over in between ten million patients and staff walking around, talking to him, meeting with him and looking over his shoulder , which means that's all he'll do- try to quickly scan what Ive written while in the midst of a busy work day, and I feel like most of what I try to say will be lost. So yes, seeing me in person he'll see me cry, as whatever, I can't help but cry in these occasions as much as I try not to sometimes, but Im hoping that, for at least the hour or two that he will be at my place, he will not be distracted by co-workers and patients milling about and talking to him as he hurriedly reads an email from me, so he will have no choice but to just LISTEN to me.

 

And no I really dont honestly believe he's going to give me some magical rabbit out of the hat, or magically tell me that at that moment he's changed his mind on breaking up. i think his email to me the other day was pretty clear on where the conversation is going to lead. If he had "good" news for me, or news that everything will be "as it was before", he would have said in the email that I shouldnt worry and he'll see me per usual. He didn't. He told me about the miserable couple of days he's had, he mentioned the fact that his son's birthday weekend was marred by the unpleasant mood in the house, which Im sure made him feel like a total d**k, and then he said he needed to talk to me and that he was sure I knew were this conversation was going to go. And i do. i've been in this situation before almost like deja vu, almost exactly three years ago. Strangely enough, the time she found those photos of me in the email, was almost exactly this same time of year, right before his son, who turned three this week, was born three years ago.

 

I know exactly what he will say , for the most part, when I see him in a couple days. I can't change that, all I am going to do is say my piece , let him give me a goodbye kiss and hug me as he always does, and watch him walk out the door. That's it. Then I'll go cry in bed most of the day, call my girlfriend, go into the city, get drunk and pray that I get over him sooner than later. And that's all I can do is try to keep my focus in the positive direction, which is incredibly hard for me , and I am a clinically depressed individual, and I think people on here, for the most part, have nary a clue what it is like to really be this way. I think you guys, despite your well=wishing advice, have no idea what it is like to feel like you are in a constant state of black. Here i had written a long shpeel on depression and how its hard to understand if youre not there, but it doesnt matter, its like banging my head on a wall. Im trying to move forward I really am, and I have no indications or realistic expectations that he will change his mind and magically not break it off this week. I know thats exactly whats happening in two days. Im just trying to figure out how to best deal with it from my end rather than the way Ive dealt with it every time before, because obviously, those times it didnt go too well for me afterwards.

 

You know, KG, at a certain point it's not just about the OW/MM dynamic.

 

OWoman's post is brilliant, and in my opinion, she's dead-on. Because what's going to happen is really just what happens when one person breaks up with another person. The OW/MM thing is there, of course, but the bottom line is the breakup dynamic that's happening here, and that is universal to any ending relationship.

 

The dumpee - who sees it coming - wants the face2face meeting, wants to SHOW the dumper the depth of her pain, wants him to FEEL it with her. And deep down, kind of hopes that he'll change his mind and crush her into his arms. That's why she needs that. She calls it "closure," but it's more of the same need for emotional connection, just keeping the wound open.

 

This is true for ANY ending relationship. We have all been there. The overwhelming need to communicate your HURT is, well...overwhelming. I get it.

 

But believe me:

 

1. There is nothing you need to say to him to his face that you cannot say in a note.

2. You do not need to see him to convince him of how much he's hurt you. Believe me, he already knows.

3. Yes, he does. And it won't change a thing.

 

I would give the same advice to any woman (or man, just using convenient pronouns here) going through a breakup. Because it's the same exact thing - you don't want it to end, you want him to have a come-to-Jesus revelation about how you're the right one for him after all, you want him to wake up, you want him to SEE you.

 

It won't change a thing.

 

Please, please do NOT tell him how he has changed your life and that you will remember him always. Believe me, I understand that you think it would feel cathartic to let all of that out.

 

But I guarantee that at the end of the day, you will only feel emptier. Because you want to say those things to him and have them transform him. You're assuming he doesn't know them. You're assuming he doesn't see that you've been in pain. You're assuming you can say something to him that he doesn't already know and that this will somehow be healing for you.

 

I promise you, he already knows all of it, he doesn't want to deal with it, and you will say these things and then...beat. No revelation. All you will do is prolong your own pain, and you will remember this conversation and relive it endlessly, and it will hurt.

 

Please, take OWoman's advice. She is absolutely, 100% right about this.

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline is this. Are you 100% sure you want it to end? NO affair, no more OW, no friendship, no calls, no emails, no seeing him/talking to him.. Nothing..Over forever, no contact. Because my main concern with you is HE knows you're weak..HE knows exactly how to manipulate you, what buttons to push (selfishly) to get what HE wants. If he was so concerned about your emotional welfare, mental health and what this is doing to you, he WOULD end it and say goodbye. I'm reallly not sure HE knows what to do. Anyway, my point is, YOU have to be strong and take control.

 

No need to feed his ego too much..Yes, there are nice ways of ending things, but don't go telling him, "in 10 years if you fight with your wife, think of me, miss and love me.." because in 10 years I highly doubt he'll be in the front of YOUR mind, let alone in the front of his mind. I know right now you can't fathom that idea, but once this is over, it has to be over in every way posssible..And that includes thinking and fantasies as well. NC In the mind..

 

I hope to GOD this selfish b@stard isn't going to give you some bullcrap line and give you hope to hang on and continue being his OW. I REALLY hope you've had enough and really ARE going to end it and start your grieving process so you can begin to heal.

 

As for the depression side of this, go on meds if need be..Seek counselling too if need be. And ofcourse rely on friends, family, and us all here.

 

Whatever you do, don't slip into bed with him as a "last goodbye."

[KismetGirl]

You know, KG, at a certain point it's not just about the OW/MM dynamic.

 

OWoman's post is brilliant, and in my opinion, she's dead-on. Because what's going to happen is really just what happens when one person breaks up with another person. The OW/MM thing is there, of course, but the bottom line is the breakup dynamic that's happening here, and that is universal to any ending relationship.

 

The dumpee - who sees it coming - wants the face2face meeting, wants to SHOW the dumper the depth of her pain, wants him to FEEL it with her. And deep down, kind of hopes that he'll change his mind and crush her into his arms. That's why she needs that. She calls it "closure," but it's more of the same need for emotional connection, just keeping the wound open.

 

This is true for ANY ending relationship. We have all been there. The overwhelming need to communicate your HURT is, well...overwhelming. I get it.

 

But believe me:

 

1. There is nothing you need to say to him to his face that you cannot say in a note.

2. You do not need to see him to convince him of how much he's hurt you. Believe me, he already knows.

3. Yes, he does. And it won't change a thing.

 

I would give the same advice to any woman (or man, just using convenient pronouns here) going through a breakup. Because it's the same exact thing - you don't want it to end, you want him to have a come-to-Jesus revelation about how you're the right one for him after all, you want him to wake up, you want him to SEE you.

 

It won't change a thing.

 

Please, please do NOT tell him how he has changed your life and that you will remember him always. Believe me, I understand that you think it would feel cathartic to let all of that out.

 

But I guarantee that at the end of the day, you will only feel emptier. Because you want to say those things to him and have them transform him. You're assuming he doesn't know them. You're assuming he doesn't see that you've been in pain. You're assuming you can say something to him that he doesn't already know and that this will somehow be healing for you.

 

I promise you, he already knows all of it, he doesn't want to deal with it, and you will say these things and then...beat. No revelation. All you will do is prolong your own pain, and you will remember this conversation and relive it endlessly, and it will hurt.

 

Please, take OWoman's advice. She is absolutely, 100% right about this.

 

Ok....maybe part of that is true on my end, for argument's sake....but this time around I didn't ask him for a face to face conversation....he asked for it this time around. Why? It's not for a last shag, he knows he never gets that when he breaks up with me. I know he hates seeing me upset, so I know its not to revel in watching me cry, Im sure that part sucks for him. So why on earth does he feel a need to see me in person to break up with me this time? It's not just me, he asked for the face meeting this time around, not me....whatever it is, Im going to see him in less than a couple of days. Whatever the motivation behind a face meeting, the end result's going to be the same right? He'll tell me he's in trouble, he'll tell me he's been a d**k, he'll tell me he's risking losing his kids again, he'll tell me he's been a selfish pri*k, he'll tell me he needs to stop thinking only about himself, etc etc , same story every time this happens. but so sue me, this time i don't want to sit there with tears running down my face numbly nodding "ok, ok" and just accepting that yet again he's had a chance to say what he needs to say and I'll just suck it up. Maybe you all think its a bad idea, but I feel like I've got to say something. I really haven't gotten it down yet, Ive been thinking alot about what I should or shouldn't say, but I need to do it. I actually thought it would be good to write it down so I dont miss anything or whatever, and then just read it to him.

 

I already said why I can't just email him or call him, because there is no good opportunity to do so. If I email him he'll quickly read it at work because there is no privacy at work. If I try to call him....when would I do that? Not at work, for sure, not to discuss this. Not at home. And I guarantee you his life right now will consist solely of running from work to home and back. Im surprised he's put aside a couple hours to come talk to me in the morning....three years ago he would have been too scared after a "d-day" like this to even do that. But he knows in the past I've felt upset when he's tried to have such a discussion with me over such an impersonal means as email or phone, and so he's trying to do me one last courtesy of speaking to me in person, so I might as well take it since that 's how I'd prefer to speak to someone anyway. i dont like emails and phones, i really dont. So let's say the argument of whether or not I will see him to speak to him is moot- in less than 48 hours he'll be sitting in front of me talking to me, telling me he can't see me anymore, and I'll have my chance to respond and I'll take it. If that's what I need to try and have closure, what's so wrong with it? I relaly dont understand. It has nothing to do with MM/OW dynamic. It's a simple matter of me being the type of person who loathes having a personal conversation via electronic or other impersonal means with no opportunity to dialogue about what is being said. I really am not sure why that in itself is so bad if Im already accepting that the basis of the conversation is that everything is over....

[KismetGirl]

and PS- Im not really so sure he gets how much pain Ive been in. I have a fabulous way of being able to brush off emotions as if they don't matter when I don't want to discuss them when in fact they have mattered quite a bit. So if he doesnt realize it...its probably been my fault, so now I'd like to remedy that a little bit.

[serial muse]

and PS- Im not really so sure he gets how much pain Ive been in. I have a fabulous way of being able to brush off emotions as if they don't matter when I don't want to discuss them when in fact they have mattered quite a bit. So if he doesnt realize it...its probably been my fault, so now I'd like to remedy that a little bit.

 

KG, I assure you that he does. I think we all like to think we hide our emotions well. Perhaps if you had been together for only a few months, I'd believe that...but you've been embroiled in this relationship for four years. I'm certain that he knows how you feel. You haven't discussed it because you haven't felt secure discussing your feelings for him - and to a large extent, I suspect, that's because he's been careful not to let that happen. He doesn't want to deal with it, and that won't change when you say what you want to say to him this week. He still won't want that burden.

 

I understand that you feel it necessary to say something. I'm not suggesting you sit in silence and let him talk. I'm suggesting you not go at all. It's not just that there's little you can say that he doesn't already know - the reverse is also true. He will not say what you most want to hear, and does it really matter what else he does say? It will not be anything you have not heard from him, at one point or another, over the course of these four years.

 

Your statement about him reading an email rushed at work - I doubt it. That sounds like an excuse not to write him, not a good reason. Of course, if you've written a heartfelt goodbye email, he'd find the time to read it in private. Do you really doubt that?

 

I understand that you'll go anyway. You have already decided to, and the pull is strong. But the least you can do is protect yourself when you do go. Understand that this is not about righting old wrongs, or about clearing the air. This is goodbye. I hope you won't sleep with him again, and I hope you'll just say, with courage and dignity, "It's been nice knowing you, and I can't do this anymore. Goodbye."

 

That is the kind of thing that will soothe you over the next few months. That memory of quiet dignity. Truly.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sure, MM is selfish, but... Kismet signed up for exactly this. He has not strung her along or promised her anything other that what he is giving her. SHE has agreed to that while secretly pining away and emotionally building this up on her end. HOW is that HIS fault???? She has made the most far fetch justifications to herself (he just needs to realize that he's wasting his life with his wife and being untrue to his REAL feelings). HOW is that HIS fault???

 

Until Kismet realizes and accepts that she has built all of this up on her end, that she has agreed to the terms of the arrangement, then blamed him for her unhappiness, she is never going to get over this whether or not they break up for good or only temporarily.

 

She needs to get angry with herself. Instead she's blame shifting and avoiding accepting the reality of the situation. I can't believe that people are actually jumping on the bandwagon telling her how much she's been wronged??? HOW??? Kismet has not once blamed herself for HER own unhappiness. SHE created it and SHE is the only one who can change it.

 

I have NEVER in all the hours I've spent on this forum seen a OW's MM who was more upfront and honest with her. NEVER... not even close. Someone PLEASE remind me of one??

 

Kismet... his actions have never added up to you because you are not a MAN. You don't have the same drives or hormones. When he's wrapped his self around you and you have tons of oxtocin coarsing through your veins, HE"S feeling exhilarated. Like he's just skied down a mountain. YOU understand this... you've studied it.

 

The first step is admitting YOU have a problem not that someone else caused it.

 

I'm sorry for your pain Kismet but you're choosing to continue it.

[whichwayisup]

As long as you're going into this KNOWING the affair REALLY IS OVER and you don't have a secret hope that it's just "onhold"..Then speak your mind to him. But, with that said, have no expectations OF him or the way he reacts..He may not 'say' what you want him to say, that's the thing about trying to get closure..He may 'listen' to you, but he may not react to what you've said.

 

MOST men aren't good with their emotions, let alone deep drawn out conversations that are emotional. They prefer short, sweet and to the point, no drama.. Make your point, and be done with it. Don't drag it out..

[KismetGirl]

Bottomline is this. Are you 100% sure you want it to end? NO affair, no more OW, no friendship, no calls, no emails, no seeing him/talking to him.. Nothing..Over forever, no contact. Because my main concern with you is HE knows you're weak..HE knows exactly how to manipulate you, what buttons to push (selfishly) to get what HE wants. If he was so concerned about your emotional welfare, mental health and what this is doing to you, he WOULD end it and say goodbye. I'm reallly not sure HE knows what to do. Anyway, my point is, YOU have to be strong and take control.

 

No need to feed his ego too much..Yes, there are nice ways of ending things, but don't go telling him, "in 10 years if you fight with your wife, think of me, miss and love me.." because in 10 years I highly doubt he'll be in the front of YOUR mind, let alone in the front of his mind. I know right now you can't fathom that idea, but once this is over, it has to be over in every way posssible..And that includes thinking and fantasies as well. NC In the mind..

 

I hope to GOD this selfish b@stard isn't going to give you some bullcrap line and give you hope to hang on and continue being his OW. I REALLY hope you've had enough and really ARE going to end it and start your grieving process so you can begin to heal.

 

As for the depression side of this, go on meds if need be..Seek counselling too if need be. And ofcourse rely on friends, family, and us all here.

 

Whatever you do, don't slip into bed with him as a "last goodbye."

 

No I would hope in ten years he's not in the forefront of my mind, that would be depressing, but i think i was speaking in romantic terms a little bit. My writing can occasionally get fanciful and longing....but alas.

 

And youre right, I dont think he knows WHAT to do, because frankly Im not sure he knows what he wants. He knows he feels horrible about the prospect of breaking his family up, but then despite the pangs of paranoia, the anxiety of being caught, the guilt of what he's doing, he "relapses" every time we break up anyway. Part of my frustration lies in his inability to acknowledge the reasons for his own behaviour, though everyone here believes its none of my business, which is weird as his behaviour obviously has affected me alot so I would think why he does what he does WOULD be my business....but thats another argument...

 

Anyway, I think ive sort of put it in my head these last few days that its all over...been trying to stay in that mindset. I dont see what he could tell me to keep me hanging on, he never tells me anything really, he would just never have the nerve to actually ask me to wait around for him. He's usually pretty to the point about it all, just "we can't do this anymore" and thats it. Granted, he's always "relapsed" before, but i genuinely believe every time he tells me its over that he believes himself it will be over and isnt just feeding me lines in hopes that I'll "wait around" for him or something. Will let you all know what happens soon enough, one way or another....he's coming by thursday morning.

 

As for the depression, I have been seeing a therapist for a year now, or more, i forget. Seen a psychiatrist on and off for years, when i was in college, now, etc, I despise the way meds make me feel alot of the time, I dont think they help for very long, and the side effects generally make me feel they arent worth it. Ive been contemplating whether I have PMDD or some such thing as the extreme sickness (physical) and mood swings are almost cyclic, but not in a manner consistent with bipolar, and if thats the case it would make sense why the normal medication regimen doesnt seem to work wonders for me. Sorry, going off on a diagnostic tangent.... Anyway, Im t/j'ing my own thread....point being that I am trying to address it, its not easily treatable in all cases. It is nice to come on here and have people to talk to....when im feeling particularly lost and need the distraction, which i really often do, trust me. If this wasn't all so bent on anonymity, I'd offer to take you all out to dinner to say thanks ;-)

[Chocolat]

Your statement about him reading an email rushed at work - I doubt it. That sounds like an excuse not to write him, not a good reason. Of course, if you've written a heartfelt goodbye email, he'd find the time to read it in private. Do you really doubt that?

 

SM's posts have been exceptional in their insight and especially this.

 

He will find time to read your email. And if he doesn't, then what does that say about how much he values you? I'm sure you would find time to read an email from him, no matter where you received it. Any of us would.

[whichwayisup]

Do yoga!! It is the natural way of dealing with anxiety and depression. (I am not a med taker either..)

 

He's usually pretty to the point about it all, just "we can't do this anymore" and thats it. Granted, he's always "relapsed" before, but i genuinely believe every time he tells me its over that he believes himself it will be over and isnt just feeding me lines in hopes that I'll "wait around" for him or something.

 

And this is where YOU need to be strong and not give in or cave..On Thursday and in the future. This 'last' meeting IS it. Forever...It doesn't matter if he knows or believes that, what matters is YOU know that and will stick to YOUR decision of it being completely over. Make sense?

 

People always joke about a big LS get together..

[KismetGirl]

?

 

People always joke about a big LS get together..

 

 

That might be both fun and scary. You people have too much dirt on me To be fair my close friends know how nutty I am about all this anyway, so maybe you're not the only ones....

 

 

Will try to exercise thing, have been meaning to get on that anyway. Weather is getting nicer, though yesterday it was very "english" as he said...anyway, nicer weather= more walking outside, which is better than being holed up inside as I am all bloody winter.

 

Am trying to stay in the mindset of "its over" finality. Try, try, try....all i can do right?

[Athena]

 

He is a selfish man.

 

He has put you and your feelings on the back burner while he has placated his wife and played the part of the good husband.

 

_______________________________________

 

He knows you get scraps and that the relationship you have with him is not everything you deserve.

 

How he makes that okay for himself I don't know.

 

While it is true that her MM is a 'selfish man' I have to say that KismetGirl enabled and to a point Encouraged her MM to behave in this way... to enjoy her time and mind and body, without having any kind of commitment to her in their future or otherwise. Of course he isn't going to be feeling bad -- he hasn't been able to get into KG's brain and SEE what it is she is feeling, thinking and hoping for!!!

She has told us, even with some pride, how she has never made any demands/expectations of him -- that she never once asked him to leave his family for her, etc etc... for all we know, he could be seeing her just as a beautiful, available, young, and 'game' woman to conduct an affair with. Yes, he loves the sex, the secretiveness, and her willingness to play along.

But she is at fault here. She allowed him to set it up this way, and never once complained or drew the line about what she was willing to accept/do, or not... she just 'waited' and 'hoped' and had romantic feelings in her heart about a possible future with him. It's simply not good enough Kismet.

You cannot just expect him to be on your wavelength... you presented the sex kitten part of you to him, the woman who didn't ask for anything, the woman who was okay with anything he chose, now you are going to show him it was all a facade. That he should have known better... that he owed you a better outcome... Is this fair OF YOU?

 

Seriously. You have to accept that you were not entirely open and honest with him about your feelings and expectations and hopes for a future with him. You misled him by not making demands of him, perhaps for the very hope that THAT would impress him and draw him closer to you.

 

 

You simply gave him everything he wanted, whenever he could fit you in -- phonecalls, sex, not seeing you for dates out in the world, sexy photos of you to wank off on -- all great for him, but with NO expectation of anything in return.

[PhoenixRise]

Do yoga!! It is the natural way of dealing with anxiety and depression. (I am not a med taker either..)

 

 

 

And this is where YOU need to be strong and not give in or cave..On Thursday and in the future. This 'last' meeting IS it. Forever...It doesn't matter if he knows or believes that, what matters is YOU know that and will stick to YOUR decision of it being completely over. Make sense?

 

People always joke about a big LS get together..

 

 

The bolded part is the problem.

 

From what I can tell KismetGirl has not made a decision to end the relationship. She is responding to her belief that HE is meeting with her so that he can end it.

 

If HE dosen't end it KG is not going anywhere. If MM does tell her that because of pressures from home he has to end it with KG then a month later calls her up to reconnect she will be right there because KG has not made the decision of it being completely over. MM dictates everything and gets everything his way for his comfort and convienance.

 

KG is not ready for it to be over. Several posts back KG was trying to figure out ways to help MM cover with his wife so that KG and MM could continue their relationship.

 

KismetGirl, when you meet with this man please hold on to what is left of your dignity and self respect. Do not throw your heart at the feet of a man who is only going to walk all over it when he leaves you to go back to his wife. If you can help it, don't let him see you cry and for goodness sakes, don't chose this moment to declare your all fired love for him and tell him that he changed you forever. Don't devalue yourself or your love this way.

[White Flower]

KG,

 

I've skimmed through most of this thread and if I've missed something forgive me.

 

I never got in to exMM's circle, thankfully. I never wanted to see him interact with his W nor did I ever hope to end their M. If it ended it ended but not by my influence.

 

Anyway, I do know of someone who was involved with a MM and his W on a daily basis. She was in their home all the time and this A was a true triangle. She is very regretful now and thinks about confessing her story all the time.

 

She says it hurt watching them hold hands. You need to anticipate how you will handle all of this if and when you see it. I'm sure you will see something that will be burned into your head forever.

 

In the end, I was glad not to have seen that kind of affection between exMM and his W.

[KismetGirl]

KG,

 

I've skimmed through most of this thread and if I've missed something forgive me.

 

I never got in to exMM's circle, thankfully. I never wanted to see him interact with his W nor did I ever hope to end their M. If it ended it ended but not by my influence.

 

Anyway, I do know of someone who was involved with a MM and his W on a daily basis. She was in their home all the time and this A was a true triangle. She is very regretful now and thinks about confessing her story all the time.

 

She says it hurt watching them hold hands. You need to anticipate how you will handle all of this if and when you see it. I'm sure you will see something that will be burned into your head forever.

 

In the end, I was glad not to have seen that kind of affection between exMM and his W.

 

Thats ok WhiteF, this thread sort of changed course some posts ago ;-)

 

As it turns out in 12 hours from now its likely MM will be breaking up with me anyway as his wife has yet again caught him in a lie. Don't know what they have discussed, whether he has admitted anything to her about the A (he never has before, I dont think, not fully anyway). But i suppose i'll find out in a few hours. Keep wondering what I want to say to him when he's here and still not too sure. I keep going in between saying everything on my mind....and feeling so mentally tired that i just dont want to say anything at all. I suppose I'll end up falling somewhere in the middle. I'll probably want to hug him and never let him go but that only happens in fairy tales. In real life the man goes home to his wife, three kids, house, and life, while the woman that spent four years loving him is alone again and left to desperately try to forget him...again. Blah.

[Athena]

Kismet girl, I wish you strength...

[OWoman]

In real life the man goes home to his wife, three kids, house, and life, while the woman that spent four years loving him is alone again and left to desperately try to forget him...again. Blah.

 

KG do you know Nina Simone's song "The Other Woman"? It sounds a lot like your sitch...

[Island Girl]

The last post said 12 hours was the meeting.

 

It looks like that is roughly an hour from now...

 

I am thinking about you KG.

 

I am trying to send you emotional strength. I hope the thoughts find you this morning.

[White Flower]

Thats ok WhiteF, this thread sort of changed course some posts ago ;-)

 

As it turns out in 12 hours from now its likely MM will be breaking up with me anyway as his wife has yet again caught him in a lie. Don't know what they have discussed, whether he has admitted anything to her about the A (he never has before, I dont think, not fully anyway). But i suppose i'll find out in a few hours. Keep wondering what I want to say to him when he's here and still not too sure. I keep going in between saying everything on my mind....and feeling so mentally tired that i just dont want to say anything at all. I suppose I'll end up falling somewhere in the middle. I'll probably want to hug him and never let him go but that only happens in fairy tales. In real life the man goes home to his wife, three kids, house, and life, while the woman that spent four years loving him is alone again and left to desperately try to forget him...again. Blah.

Wow, sorry, I guess I missed a lot. Hang in there KG, you WILL be fine!

[Island Girl]

Wow, sorry, I guess I missed a lot. Hang in there KG, you WILL be fine!

 

There is another thread posted from what transpired today.

 

Just an FYI...

[White Flower]

There is another thread posted from what transpired today.

 

Just an FYI...

I will look for it unless someone wants to copy and paste it here.

[jj33]

Its titled its all over its the thread right below this.

[KismetGirl]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185478/

 

here you go Wflower