2sure Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Thats just it. His wife may have an inkling , certaily she has in the past. Some wives turn a blind eye - for whatever reason. But even if his W did suspect , she doesnt feel threatened. Given Kismet's description of the marriage - his W may very well not care what he does as long as he uses discretion. W does not feel her marriage is threatened because she knows her H isnt leaving. He has told Kismet that he isnt leaving. The only one unhappy and threatened with the circumstances is Kismet.
Billie63 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I think everyone is forgetting that the W saw "private" e-mailed pictures of the OP years ago and thought something was up. He dismissed them by saying another name and some other excuse. Who here would not recognize that woman if she saw her again even years later? I know that image would be burned on my brain!quote] This is very true. Kismet, I really hope he doesn't go. If he did, yes you would have the high of anticipating the day. Getting ready, making yourself look gorgeous, being your charming self at the BBq. But you wouldn't be enjoying a day socialising with some nice people, you would be consumed with the two of them. And think how you'll feel when he leaves the bbq early with his wife (and kids?), how absolutely deflated and unloved you will feel? Do go to the bbq, but only if he bows out, don't put yourself thru this torture. Also, in some small way you're dragging your friends thru this drama and it's not fair on them.
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Oh , pleeeeeze. You love this inane drama. Get a life.:bunny: What a tragedy, missing a barbecue. Please tell me you are kidding about med school. with all respect , go eff yourself. if you really read anything, you'd see this isn't about one BBQ. It's about me having to avoid events repeatadly just because he doesnt want me and his wife in the same room, and Im getting tired of it. You know, you rarely have anything productive to say outside of sarcastic Bull**it like this, Reg. Im sorry youre bitter. Take it elsewhere if you have nothing productive to say.
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Why is it so important to you to negatively portray your MM's wife? Mr. Lucky I would think that is pretty obvious....because im jealous she gets to have him and i dont, in a blunt , unspecific way of looking at it, and that's how it tends to come out. Im pretty sure she's not a bad person or anything....you wont hear me saying she's abusive or hideously ugly or a bad wife. But hey the resentment comes out sometimes anyway. cant help it, i guess
Lizzie60 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Or.. maybe if this is going to be a repeating battle.. you should tell your MM that this time he goes or you go.. next time it's you or him again.. take turn.
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 KG i think deep down you want her to find out. You want to go to confirm your theory that she is not as everything as you are and that if she found out and saw you the marriage would end. Not on a conscious level but unconscious. Ive been in social situations with MM and his wife well after it ended and it was not ideal but at least they were very large events. A bbq is small and you will have to speak to her at some point and then a whole new drama will begin. I met her I spoke to her and she said this They interacted like this and that This is what everyone thinks of her This is how she compares to me It just feeds the addiction to the relationship. Im not saying you shouldnt go but its a minefield. Its 4+years now... nothing has changed other than the fact that he has had 3 children. You started fooling around with him before he had any. So the idea that he stays for the children does not hold water. He stayed before he had children. I can only assume you are happy with the sitaution. If you werent you wouldnt still be in it. Yes you have mutual friends but how often do you HAVE to see him - very rarely. So if you wanted to end it you could and run into him just a few times a year. hes NEVER going to leave while he has both you and his marriage. The only way he would ever even contemplate leaving is if you stop the affair. This isnt getting you where you want to be. And if you stop and he doesnt leave, you can get on with your life. Yes, I am curious about her, you are right about that. But you are wrong on the kids factor. When I met him he already had one, and she got pregnant with the second shortly after our EA began, when I hadnt even begun actually sleeping with him yet. The third one got conceived in the 10-12 months of NC that we actually had a while ago. Im pretty convinced if he never had kids when we first met, things might have been different, but his mindset to acknowledge insufficiencies in his marriage is beyond slow, if even existant, and the whole family dynamic makes him less apt to want to acknowledge it anyway. Lately he's been asking me alot about my future plans- do I really want to get married, what kind of guy I want, how many kids do I want, how long do I intend to wait before getting married. Never used to ask me stuff like that. Asks on a near regular basis now, fitting it into converations everytme i mention another friend got engaged or something (which happens alot lately...guess im in that age range where everyone starts to get married. not me, though. ha. ) So yes, with reference to the beginning of your post, perhaps i secretly do want her to find out because more and more im becoming irritated by everything and still dont quite have the strength to not speak to him at all. And you cant help but be curious about the wife in my position, now can you.....
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Hi Kismet, i think you should go, simply because single women in your position should say yes to most social occasions - it's healthy for you to be mixing with different people of both sexes. Make sure he knows you're going and then the ball is in his court - I hope he has the grace not to go. I agree with you, this affair should not dictate who you socialise with. As for your continuing digs at his wife - I've been here before with you Kismet. He didn't marry her because he fell in love with her scintillating conversation, he married her to get residency in the US. Please keep that in mind! I think i should go too, because hell, i AM single and i need to be meeting new people more than him. And he doesnt even LIKE to go to social crap like that anyway. You know, I saw him this morning and mentioned this whole thing and said "wouldnt it be awkward if we all went" and he laughed nervously and said "yeah, no, we wouldnt all be going, I'd find some way not to go, I'm total ****e at hiding my feelings and my wife would notice something immediately" so there you have it. i guess if i decided to go, he'd make some excuse not to go. Let him come up with the excuse to tell his wife on why, that's not my prob. Despite inwardly knowing he isn't in love with her, its a constant upset Billie. This morning when he again was asking me the whole "so when do you think you'll get married...blah blah blah", and really pushing on asking what kind of guy and everything when i didnt really feel like answering, I told him "i dont know when. When I find someone i can be in love with. When I find someone I am both comfortable with, and want to go home with, and have a passion with, and want to be intimate with, and who isn't just a friend that i decided to marry and pop a couple kids out with. Because "people" seem to do that whole "marry someone because you are comfortable with them" thing, and that just isn't enough for me". He got all quiet because he knows damn well that's exactly what he's done is marry someone for comfort rather than love. Well f**k him if its going to take until his kids grow up for him to figure it out. Right now the kids and way of life are pros that outwiegh the cons of the drama and turmoil, the finances and broken up friends he'd have to deal with. And FYI- he really is broke right now. He couldnt get divorced even if he wanted to. He was happy this morning about getting his tax refund soon so he could "finally eat without scraping the bottom of my checking account." He is in NO position to be supporting himself outside of a marriage and keeping his wife and kids intheir house. It just ain't happening. Too many factors to consider, and at this time, the cons of divorce so outwiegh the possible pros that Im sure it doesn't pass inhis head for more than a moment.
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I haven't yet read all the replies (will do so later) but from your first post: I wouldn't go... I think its more respectful not to socialize with her in any form, since if/when she finds out about the affair, she will be hurt worse for talking to you/liking you/ etc. It would be almost as bad as betrayal by a friend sleeping with her H. Also -- your body language would no doubt give the two of you away. Even if YOU can behave distantly enough with OM, she would be very attuned to her H's aura of infatuation with you... you are thus likely opening yourself up to giving yourselves up. Why take that risk?
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 PLUS: You mentioned in another thread that OM's W found one of your long, red, hairs on her bed's white cover and asked him about it... so when she sees you at the function, she could very well put two and two together when she sees your long red hair.
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 He's getting ready to say goodbye. Why else would he be pushing for info like what kind of guy you want? He obviously wouldn't care if you found a guy. :::shrug::: he gets somewhat jealous when i tell him about dates i go on and other men actually. he asks in that same way i ask about his wife- we dont really want to know, it evokes jealousy, but morbid curiousity tempts us to ask anyway. i dont think this has anything to do with saying goodbye. the only time he ever tries to break things off is the once or twice in the last three years he almost got caught. and then comes straight back 8 weeks later. i think he wishes he had the intimacy that he has with me with his wife, because that would make life easier and maybe he wouldnt be tempted to cheat. I know he doesnt like sneaking around anymore than i do. but he doesnt have it. Four+ years he's been cheating on her, only with me. That's well over half their marriage. From day one admitted they had no spark between them. ::shrug::: maybe he should have thought of that before he married her and let her get pregnant three times.
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 PLUS: You mentioned in another thread that OM's W found one of your long, red, hairs on her bed's white cover and asked him about it... so when she sees you at the function, she could very well put two and two together when she sees your long red hair. Maybe i should dye my hair black....but yes i hear you. If i was her, I wouldnt ever forget that hair. Nor those pictures. But I also dont know how I'd stay married to someone distrusting them so completely. Dunno. I guess its more ingrained when he's providin the sole income and you have three kids together.
blind_otter Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I wouldn't go, unless you were into Jerry Springer and all that. But you know, whatever.
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Maybe i should dye my hair black....but yes i hear you. If i was her, I wouldnt ever forget that hair. Nor those pictures. But I also dont know how I'd stay married to someone distrusting them so completely. Dunno. I guess its more ingrained when he's providin the sole income and you have three kids together. Do you really want him as your full-time man? It could happen, there is always a WAY, he just has to keep his mind open and willing, and it will happen. Are you sure you would want him, though? Big difference to what you have with him now... if he were to move in with you (ie no extra expense in moving out of his home , so he could afford THAT) and let his W and kids have the house, then divorce her and continue to be in his children's lives... only thing is you would become a step-mom, you would have half his life on your doorstep, can you deal with that?
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I wouldn't go, unless you were into Jerry Springer and all that. But you know, whatever. Hmm. Personally I never agreed that "cellar door" were the most beautiful words, but to each their own ;-) Ehhhh, i doubt it would go all jerry springer. after talking to him this morning it seemsif he knew i was going he'd find some excuse not to go. Though I suppose that is also dependant on his wife believing his excuse and finding it reasonable enough that they dont go to their friend's house 15 minutes away. Maybe he would then ask me not to go. he's more passive (eg- would rather not go himself, then ask me not to go), but we'll see, i guess. Seeing him this morning has put me in another funk, but that's per usual. Mix of happy and sad. Also, he closed my front door on my fingers by accident as was probably distracted by uh....other things.....and now they are swollen and blue. a metaphor for my life. ouchie.
Lizzie60 Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 One of these days.. without consulting each other, you will all go to one of those events... it will not always be that easy. The meeting with his wife will inevitably happen one day.
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Do you really want him as your full-time man? It could happen, there is always a WAY, he just has to keep his mind open and willing, and it will happen. Are you sure you would want him, though? Big difference to what you have with him now... if he were to move in with you (ie no extra expense in moving out of his home , so he could afford THAT) and let his W and kids have the house, then divorce her and continue to be in his children's lives... only thing is you would become a step-mom, you would have half his life on your doorstep, can you deal with that? truthfully i dont know if i could deal with all that right NOW. I feel that I would be willing to at some point, but perhaps not right now. Which is maybe why I've never actually asked him to leave his wife anyway. Not a once have I asked him that. Please believe me when I say I wish I would just meet someone else. I try, I date, I, at the risk of sounding utterly conceited, am an intelligent and very attractive women, one that generally gets quite noticed walking down the street. And yet, I never meet anyone I really like. I swear I give it a go. First date, second date, third date.....yawn. No spark with any of them. THe last time I liked a guy besides MM was well over a year ago and he lived in another country. All I want is an intelligent, tall, goofy, kind=hearted guy with whom I can have a great sexual connection as well as a personal one. And I found it, and he's married to someone else, and I keep trying to find it somewhere else and thus far having incredible difficulty... *sigh* maybe i'll be one of those sad cases that stays single her whole life, for no obvious reason. That would, in a word, suck.
Owl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I say go. And while you're there...talk to the wife, tell her you're the girl from the pictures two years ago, and it's still ongoing. That way, there's no more skulking around in the shadows, no more debating on social events like this in the future, no more ambiguity in what's the right course of action. Get it all out in the open and addressed...one way or another. Trade a half hour of drama for a lifetime of no more worries on this kind of subject. Simple enough, when you think about it. 1
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 yeah I hear that you love him. What is going to happen if/when the affair is outed? Is it more likely his W will divorce, or try to repair? You know, since all is going so well with you and OM, it is only by the affair being discovered that there is going to be any likelihood of you two ending it for good.... Another angle -- if outed, will he come to you? Would you take him, knowing that you will be thrust into acting step-mother role and would you let him move in with you (since he cannot afford to keep his family and rent his own place)
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 yeah I hear that you love him. What is going to happen if/when the affair is outed? Is it more likely his W will divorce, or try to repair? You know, since all is going so well with you and OM, it is only by the affair being discovered that there is going to be any likelihood of you two ending it for good.... Another angle -- if outed, will he come to you? Would you take him, knowing that you will be thrust into acting step-mother role and would you let him move in with you (since he cannot afford to keep his family and rent his own place) Eh, well, I'd be purely speculating on whether his W would want to divorce or repair to be honest, I have no idea. I don't know her well enough to say. Four+ years and it hasn't been outed yet. Almost maybe, but that was in the beginning when we were hanging out more in public and he was dumb enough to A) let me come to his house once and B) give me an email address to which his wife had the password to. I think, despite all the hardships....I'd give the relationship my best effort, but obviously no relationship can be held by one person so if he didnt put effort it wouldnt work either. But you know what, it doesnt matter. I know him, and I know he won't leave her, for any and all of the reasons I've stated a million times - children are a big reason, then money, house, mutual friends, stability and way of life, family perceptions, social perceptions, etc etc. Men like stability. He has nothing so bad in his life that he will willingly give up his family life. Maybe, maybe, when his kids grow up he will go the route of many men I have seen and finally relaize they arent in love with thier wives, but until then....I dont know. I dont mind the step mom role, I dont mind trying to work any of that. But I just dont see it happening anytime soon. And his youngest kid isnt even a year old yet....Im young now, but i cant sit here waiting 10, 15 or even 20 years until they are all grown up, right? It's a mess. it's always been a mess. It continues to be a mess and I am an idiot for allowing it. Not much else to say other than that I guess. Frustrated is a feeling that was passed ages ago. There is no word for the feeling I have at present that comes to mind, but that might be a result of my just being upset at the moment.
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 ....Im young now, but i cant sit here waiting 10, 15 or even 20 years until they are all grown up, right? You'd be surprised how quickly the years are gonna go by and you find yourself still on the sidelines at the 10 year mark. I have heard about it from my H, a female friend/colleague of his being the OW for more than a dozen years, and counting... a beautiful woman, accomplished, successful, and independent... still hanging on for the crumbs of attention from her MM. Sad. I feel he's got it made, and she is just making do... a terrible position to settle for!
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Maybe, maybe, when his kids grow up he will go the route of many men I have seen and finally relaize they arent in love with thier wives, but until then....I dont know. I doubt it. Men, as they get older, realize that their little wifey takes care of them just the way they like it -- their favorite dinner cooked just so, their needs taken care of, her taking care of all the social events and organizing family events, and so on... I highly, highly doubt its going to get any easier for your MM to leave her when the kids are out of the house. If anyone would want to leave at that stage, it would be her.
Owl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 KG, did you see my post to you? Do you want this to remain an affair forever?
Author KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 KG, did you see my post to you? Do you want this to remain an affair forever? Yeah i saw it.... i dont think he'll come to the event, nor bring his wife, if he knows im there. if i did something that blatant im not sure it would be fair to do it at Bob's house, unecessarily making them all uncomfortable. telling her is something ive considered i just dont know that it would be in anyone's interests but my own, and i wonder if that is selfish sometimes as compared to how his wife and kids would feel. I know i know, but they dont know what is going on now and ignorance is bliss.... I dont want to feel this way anymore. When he left this morning I got into a mini argument with him about finding more time to see me outside once in a while, and he started with the whole shpeel about how he doesnt go out after work every anymore, not like he used to several years ago, and that his wife will be suspicious if he tells her he's going out after work, and blah blah and i really dont know how much longer i can deal with this crap. I do everything in my power to make him happy and he does nothing.
Owl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 I would tell you, from a purely betrayed spouse viewpoint, that telling her isn't just in YOUR best interests. There are a few BS's out there who have indicated that they'd have rather not been told. From my experience...they are very few, and very far between. Telling her, and putting an end to this situation...one way or another...would be every bit as much to her benefit as to yours. The only person who WOULDN'T benefit from it in the long run is MM...because it means his happy days of being with BOTH of you will come to an end (theoretically...she may ignore it, and the two of you may just continue on business as usual). If you don't like the way things are right now...don't complain about it. Do something about it. It'll end the affair one way or another, and either you'll end up with MM, or you'll end up "over the MM". Either is progress...for you, and for her.
Athena Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 telling her is something ive considered i just dont know that it would be in anyone's interests but my own, and i wonder if that is selfish sometimes ________________________________ I dont want to feel this way anymore. (...) I do everything in my power to make him happy and he does nothing. Thats a problem -- if you are doing everything in your power for him to be happy, and he is doing the minimal, then your love is unbalanced. That then affects your relationship. Also -- be advised that if you tell his W, you will be betraying HIS trust in you. Why would you do that, if you love him, and also if you wish to have him all to yourself? For revenge? For what? Not clear how that would help you.
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