Invited to same BBQ as MM and his W, WWYD?

[KismetGirl]

Thats a problem -- if you are doing everything in your power for him to be happy, and he is doing the minimal, then your love is unbalanced.

 

Also -- be advised that if you tell his W, you will be betraying HIS trust in you. Why would you do that, if you love him, and also if you wish to have him all to yourself? For revenge? For what? Not clear how that would help you.

 

Yes, despite all the ways he pisses me off, that is something that holds me back from telling her. That it would be breaking his trust to some weird extent and that it would not help me, really, other than to exact revenge on him. He certainly wont come running to me if i go to something crazy like that. I may as well go leave a bunny boiling on his stove.

[Athena]

He sounds like a typical cake-eater... yes, yes, I know that he says he loves you, and he probably does, but he clearly loves himself more.

[KismetGirl]

He sounds like a typical cake-eater... yes, yes, I know that he says he loves you, and he probably does, but he clearly loves himself more.

 

he doesnt know what he's doing,i really think he's kind of obvlivious to what he does to me, at the least. Everytime i think i am getting the nerve t tell him to f**k off....i lose it again.

[Athena]

That it would be breaking his trust to some weird extent and that it would not help me, really, other than to exact revenge on him.

 

Believe me, the best revenge you could get on him is to dump his sorry a$$. He would be feeling very sorry for himself, and be in great pain. For a long, long time.

 

You, however, should tell yourself that he clearly does not care for you the same as you care for him. Therefore you should cut him off, since in love relationships, love should be equal and balanced. It would hurt you less in the long run, than him.

[Athena]

he doesnt know what he's doing,

 

He knows exactly what he is doing... he is a master manipulator, also to the extent that he has two beautiful women all to himself! And both no doubt feeling sorry for his poor little lost boy soul!

[KismetGirl]

Believe me, the best revenge you could get on him is to dump his sorry a$$. He would be feeling very sorry for himself, and be in great pain. For a long, long time.

 

You, however, should tell yourself that he clearly does not care for you the same as you care for him. Therefore you should cut him off, since in love relationships, love should be equal and balanced. It would hurt you less in the long run, than him.

 

I think that is one thing i fear.....that if i dumped him, he'd just take it. Woudlnt' argue, wouldn't show me he was upset, even if he was. Im afraid I'd feel as he didnt care that I dumped him and im not sure if i'd feel worse than i do now. at least acutely.

[Athena]

I think that is one thing i fear.....that if i dumped him, he'd just take it. Woudlnt' argue, wouldn't show me he was upset, even if he was. Im afraid I'd feel as he didnt care that I dumped him and im not sure if i'd feel worse than i do now. at least acutely.

 

Are you kidding?? Of COURSE he would be hurting and missing you like crazy! And SO WHAT if he doesn't tell you -- it's actually better that he doesn't, because you would probably want to take him back!!!

In fact, that would be a great manipulating trick on his part -- to show you how much he is suffering without you all to himself, that you feel obligated to show him your true love by taking him back.

 

Why should he have two women dedicated to him, and you have noone? you only have some of him, part-time!! Well, of course he wasn't going to take some drug addict off the street was he? He wants YOU -- young, beautiful, successful and willingly ALL his! Does he deserve you?

 

You wouldn't feel worse than you do now. You would know that YOU took action, that you made a strong decision and are moving on, while he is stuck in a half-a$$ marriage of his own making. You can do this.

[redfathom]

Sometimes I feel that relationships like this are about winning, about being better then some other woman who has this guy. Kind of like how you want the wife to be horrible and that the MM is with you because you are prettier, smarter, etc.

 

But in the end you all lose. I mean even if you "win" him you still end up with a loser. It's like a game of tug of war in the mud, and your on one end and his wife and kids are on the other end. Sure sometimes it looks like you're winning, but everyone is getting dirty.

 

I can't imagine the type of love you would have for yourself and another man if you were in a committed relationship. Imagine a relationship where there is no hiding, where you aren't the "single girl" except for a few hours a week. Imagine being loved with out competition, you deserve that.

[Athena]

What you don't realize, what you don't see, is how insidiously your self-esteem gets damaged. My guess is that you have above-average self-esteem, which is the only reason why you have handled it thus far -- 4 years!!! (and btw, which is why he chose you -- he is attracted to the self-esteem you have).

 

However, whether you realized it or not, allowing yourself to remain in this position of OW IS going to hurt you in the long run.

 

You deserve better.

 

This man, if he WANTED to, would, and could make YOU his woman! But he is quite happy and content with his setup just the way it is. He is greedy. And you -- out of your infinite love for him, are allowing him to get away with it scott-free. But you are paying for this. How can you be happy?

 

Look at what you are doing to yourself. It doesn't actually matter if you love him. It matters how this is an equally balanced love relationship, but its not. And you are allowing it to continue. At your cost.

[Owl]

I think that is one thing i fear.....that if i dumped him, he'd just take it. Woudlnt' argue, wouldn't show me he was upset, even if he was. Im afraid I'd feel as he didnt care that I dumped him and im not sure if i'd feel worse than i do now. at least acutely.

 

If you really fear that's how he'd feel...then why in the HECK are you still with him at all????????

 

Think about that...if he's that shallow, that pathetic, that self-centered...then there is NO basis for any kind of REAL relationship with this guy!!!!

 

Either being with him has destroyed your self-esteem to this point, or he's that kind of loser.

 

Either way...WHAT POINT IS THERE IN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THAT????

 

You already feel like scum for BEING in an affair, right? Then add this in on top of it, it simply boggles the mind why you'd continue.

[Lizzie60]

WOW..

 

he was dumb enough to A) let me come to his house once and B) give me an email address to which his wife had the password to.

 

then he told her your real name and that he was working with you.

 

My-my.. from your posts, you seem fairly intelligent.. why would you want someone so stupid..

[KismetGirl]

You guys are making me sad. I mean, no , YOU aren't making me sad, its just that I know what youre saying is right and I feel pathetic that I keep letting this go on.

 

Maybe I used to have great self esteem, and maybe sometimes i still do, but im not so sure anymore.

 

Funny thing is he has no clue what sort of pathetic, depressed mess he's reduced me to after four years, really. Round and round we go....

[2sure]

Sometimes I feel that relationships like this are about winning, about being better then some other woman who has this guy. Kind of like how you want the wife to be horrible and that the MM is with you because you are prettier, smarter, etc.

 

This is so true. Come on - we have all been there. Women are catty and competitive. I believe it is a maturity thing to be honest.

Kismet wants to win more than she wants OM.

[Athena]

 

Funny thing is he has no clue what sort of pathetic, depressed mess he's reduced me to after four years, really. Round and round we go....

 

Simply put, he doesn't care. He cares more about himself and what he's getting.

You, however, have demonstrated your love for him consistently, to the extent that you have allowed your once confident, happy, high-esteem self to love him more than you love yourself. You are selling your own integrity, for what? For a man with none.

 

What is stopping you from ending it?

[KismetGirl]

Sometimes I feel that relationships like this are about winning, about being better then some other woman who has this guy. Kind of like how you want the wife to be horrible and that the MM is with you because you are prettier, smarter, etc.

 

This is so true. Come on - we have all been there. Women are catty and competitive. I believe it is a maturity thing to be honest.

Kismet wants to win more than she wants OM.

 

if this was about winning id have given up a while ago, or accepted the offers of any of a million other guys, many with girlfriends and otherwise. I don't even think about his wife that much. I have no ill-will towards her, I dont even know her.

 

Just dont understand why, of all the people ive met in my life, this had to happen with him. just doesnt seem fair....

[redfathom]

Maybe it happened to teach you a lesson, hopefully that it's everyone deserves their one true love, to be cherished, and to have someone whole. Why accept another guy with a girlfriend, it's the same situation you are in now, but I get the winning part of that.

 

Also it didn't just happen, it's not like you slipped and fell into a sexual relationship with him, it was a choice. Now choose to do something else.

[2sure]

Kismit - you have to stop. You are wasting time, damaging yourself, and impeding your life.

 

If you cannot stop yourself - give yourself an intervention of some kind.

Move away.

 

Tell his wife. Sabotage something so she finds out. You are becoming someone I really dont think you want to be. Whatever it takes.

 

You have been having fantasies of scenerios where she finds out for a long time. The hell with it - just do it.

[KismetGirl]

Simply put, he doesn't care. He cares more about himself and what he's getting.

You, however, have demonstrated your love for him consistently, to the extent that you have allowed your once confident, happy, high-esteem self to love him more than you love yourself. You are selling your own integrity, for what? For a man with none.

 

What is stopping you from ending it?

 

million dolalr question. Wish I knew. Could be many things i guess. Fear of giving up what little I do have with him. Innate stupidity that makes me think one day he will just "get it" and realize what he's missing. That "finality" i feel like the few times he broke things off with me....this horrible feeling of never seeing him again and feeling that empty pit in yor stomach when you love someoe that much and can;t imagine just never seeing them again, espcially when he works like two blocks from where i live and id see his car on my way home or hear about him from mutual friends. who knows

[QueenVictoria]

You should join match.com and don't reveal that you were an OW at one time, would be a new fresh start

[KismetGirl]

You should join match.com and don't reveal that you were an OW at one time, would be a new fresh start

 

Yup, tried match.com, jdate, some free sites.....all useless. five hundred emails from men a day and ot interested in any. went on a couple dates and was bored to death, oh, and almost date raped on another. That one was a keeper.

 

PS- i dont usually tell people ive been an OW. it aint none of their business.

[jwi71]

...or accepted the offers of any of a million other guys, many with girlfriends and otherwise.

 

Wow. A million opportunities lost. Every one of those (except the ones with gf's or "whatever") was a potential beautiful future, loving H and the father of your children. All gone. Chances NOT taken. Decisions NOT made - or, actually, the DECISION to forgo all others save for your MM. Some of the best, most exciting years of your life NOT spent with the potential suitors but rather rather crying at home, staring at four walls more often than not.

 

So very very sad.

 

I don't even think about his wife that much. I have no ill-will towards her, I dont even know her.

Liar liar pants on fire. Your posts are about her. This very thread is ultimately about her and how to keep her in the dark. All the while failing to see that she may be ignorant of the A, you're shackled to it and it dictates your life.

 

Just dont understand why, of all the people ive met in my life, this had to happen with him. just doesnt seem fair....

No KG...this didn't just happen. You chose this from day one. And YOU have the power to end it. And, like my first post...you must DECIDE to end it. Your MM won't - and why would he?

 

Fair? You do understand that YOU are the one cutting the cake. And when you end up with the smallest piece...it is YOU who not only cut it but choose it as well. Instead of choosing the whole damn cake as presented millions of times before...you eagerly accept the crumbs and give away the cake. It is a lack of ownership still - denial.

 

The OW both controls and is controlled by the A. You have all the POWER. A's from the OW persepctive CAN ONLY be fair. Becuase you, the OW, choose it. You cut the cake.

 

Wake up KG...see this for the soul sucking, life depleting, energy sapping, future dening self-destructive behavior that this is for you.

[KismetGirl]

Wow. A million opportunities lost. Every one of those (except the ones with gf's or "whatever") was a potential beautiful future, loving H and the father of your children. All gone. Chances NOT taken. Decisions NOT made - or, actually, the DECISION to forgo all others save for your MM. Some of the best, most exciting years of your life NOT spent with the potential suitors but rather rather crying at home, staring at four walls more often than not.

 

So very very sad.

 

Well thats not true. I know me, and I know when i will and will not like someone. I've given plenty of men date opportunities and I never like them. I dont have to go out on a pity date with every single man that asks me out just because Im trying to get over MM right? It doesnt help. At all. And if I end up somehow sleeping with one of them, forget it, I feel worse then before, all they are are distractions. Just because someone is a nice guy, does not make him a good potential mate for me. All my guy friends are great guys, and have all liked me at some point, but I liked them as friends. Thats it. Most of them are getting married soon, and thats great, and their girlfriends will all be happy because they are nice guys.....but they werent for me. If i settle for someone just because they are nice and comfortable, I will end up like MM.

 

Liar liar pants on fire. Your posts are about her. This very thread is ultimately about her and how to keep her in the dark. All the while failing to see that she may be ignorant of the A, you're shackled to it and it dictates your life.

 

My posts occasionally mention or talk about her, they never focus on her pn purpose.... This thread was started not because Im afraid she'll notice , it was more because i dont want to cause a scene at my friend's house and i was frustrated that i have to forgoe events because of this situation. I am perfectly capable of acting like nothing is going on. he, not so much. The way he used to look at me at work, I may as well have been sitting at my desk naked. No wonder everyone at work figured it out.

 

No KG...this didn't just happen. You chose this from day one. And YOU have the power to end it. And, like my first post...you must DECIDE to end it. Your MM won't - and why would he?

 

Fair? You do understand that YOU are the one cutting the cake. And when you end up with the smallest piece...it is YOU who not only cut it but choose it as well. Instead of choosing the whole damn cake as presented millions of times before...you eagerly accept the crumbs and give away the cake. It is a lack of ownership still - denial.

 

The OW both controls and is controlled by the A. You have all the POWER. A's from the OW persepctive CAN ONLY be fair. Becuase you, the OW, choose it. You cut the cake.

 

Wake up KG...see this for the soul sucking, life depleting, energy sapping, future dening self-destructive behavior that this is for you.

 

You're right here. Can't argue with this bit. he needs to go. Wish I could muster up the strength to do it. Im trying....

[awkward]

I'm in the camp for not going to the BBQ. It's just drama at someone else's function and not really fair. With that said, shame on Bob and his wife who both know that you and MM used to hook up, to invite both the MM's wife and OW.

 

It's time for a talk with the wife KG. You seem unable to move on from this relationship. MM has it made. You complete his marriage. The affair will end if you speak with his wife. Then what happens is up in the air.

 

Perhaps he will leave and come into your open arms since he is so broke or maybe because deep down he really loves you. Perhaps he will go NC with you and work on his marriage. Maybe he will divorce and date someone other than you. Maybe he will just go NC for awhile and then resume his affair with you. You will never know unless you end the affair.

 

You really want MM. You love MM. You will never have MM since he is adamant about not leaving. Tell the wife, then wait and see what MM does. Personally I think he will drop you like a hot potato and throw you so far under the bus that you won't know what hit you and you won't have to worry about your circle of shared friends anymore. But you never know. At least you will be free of this situation and hopefully one day not be consumed entirely by this affair. Maybe you will be so pissed that you will finally be done.

 

If you can't be happy with the situation as it is, and you can't end it even though you are so unhappy, then let his wife know. I promise, things will change. Maybe the way you secretly hope for or maybe for the worst.

[jwi71]

Well thats not true. I know me, and I know when i will and will not like someone. I've given plenty of men date opportunities and I never like them. I dont have to go out on a pity date with every single man that asks me out just because Im trying to get over MM right? It doesnt help. At all. And if I end up somehow sleeping with one of them, forget it, I feel worse then before, all they are are distractions. Just because someone is a nice guy, does not make him a good potential mate for me. All my guy friends are great guys, and have all liked me at some point, but I liked them as friends. Thats it. Most of them are getting married soon, and thats great, and their girlfriends will all be happy because they are nice guys.....but they werent for me. If i settle for someone just because they are nice and comfortable, I will end up like MM.

 

I was speaking more of opportunities denied or lost because your heart was not 100% into it. Going on those dates with blinders on is not an accurate way to view anyone.

 

My posts occasionally mention or talk about her, they never focus on her pn purpose.... This thread was started not because Im afraid she'll notice , it was more because i dont want to cause a scene at my friend's house and i was frustrated that i have to forgoe events because of this situation. I am perfectly capable of acting like nothing is going on. he, not so much. The way he used to look at me at work, I may as well have been sitting at my desk naked. No wonder everyone at work figured it out.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree. Or maybe we are simply quibbling over the amount or number of posts on/about her. An important point but for this thread it isn't.

 

Still pulling for you KG...

[GreenEyedLady]

But you are wrong on the kids factor. When I met him he already had one, and she got pregnant with the second shortly after our EA began, when I hadnt even begun actually sleeping with him yet. The third one got conceived in the 10-12 months of NC that we actually had a while ago. Im pretty convinced if he never had kids when we first met, things might have been different, but his mindset to acknowledge insufficiencies in his marriage is beyond slow, if even existant, and the whole family dynamic makes him less apt to want to acknowledge it anyway.

 

I think that you are the one with your head in the sand on this one.

 

Let me tell you from experience, when you leave him, he will do anything it takes to get you back. And he WILL leave the M.

 

He WILL NOT make love to his W and have a 3rd child with her, that is now under a year old.

 

You are wasting your time and energy.

 

He obviously has everyone right where he wants them.