Sandy3Sei Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I really need help on this...these days ppl rely on techonology so much and thats why many LDR too and I also trust ppl from internet more since the opinions are more genuine. So me live in AUstralia and my dear boyfriend lives in Netherlands...we met in an online game and spend time a lot together. then we jst SMS each other overseas, days and night. We even consider a more long-term relationship that is marriage. However, he doesnt feel like leaving his home country Netherlands and come to Australia and start all fresh. Also, I am actually from taiwan and came to Aust when I was 13, my family is in taiwan, he feels bad to take me away from them. but either of us hav to move. and recently many of his friends told him our relationship cannot work out. But i want it to work out. He nearly lost hope and I dunno wat to do to bring him bak. We still love each other jst the distance....If theres no such a distance things would've been easier. Now we are on argument about breaking up or not. We both dun wanna lose each other and we also know that its hard to get it work... So, should I: - talk to my parents abt it? they dunno i hav a LDR bf yet - try my best to bring my bf hope again - jst giv up? all advices are appreciated...thank you Sandy Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Are you willing to look at moving there? He says he doesn't want to take you away from your family but that is up to both of you and most of all you. How old are you may I ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy3Sei Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 yea i think the age is one of the most concern as well, I just turned 20 last month and he has turned 25 last december I know its really up to us, but ryt now we are all lost...really need help from all perspectives :confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 You definitely need to talk to your boyfriend and make your feelings clear if you really are committed to making this work. But you guys need to see each other. I am taking it you have never met in person. Is that right? If that is true then you need to meet each other. The visit does not have anything to do with where you live. If it is easier for him to come to you then he needs to. That will answer a lot for both of you. The two of you have already put a lot into this relationship. A commitment to see each other in person shouldn't be too difficult and it is in between a break up and marriage for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy3Sei Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 true...we havnt met each other in real life yet...as i hav uni and he has work...thats why and he plans to come to me in july that is his yearly holidays and also mine too, but it's only march and he's so dissapointed already...i jst wish theres more time to even hav proper talk to him...our time diff is like 10 hrs >_> but ok i think a real life date is essential before i decide anything dun u think? tho, still confused Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 but ok i think a real life date is essential before i decide anything dun u think? tho, still confused That is what I was trying to convey in my post. You can not make plans to move until you know how you fit together. You will always wonder "what if?" if you break up and never find out how things could have been. Before you make a decision about breaking up or moving give yourselves the opportunity to find out how you are in person. If it is magic then you will know. But you will never know for sure what is the best thing to do until you meet in real life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy3Sei Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 now he's really keeping quiet on me...i even arrange a time so we can discuss properly and he agreed, but he not replying me at all...i dunno whats on his mind unless he speaks... sigh...i jst wish theres a real life teleporter... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 now he's really keeping quiet on me...i even arrange a time so we can discuss properly and he agreed, but he not replying me at all...i dunno whats on his mind unless he speaks... If you have a preset time of when you will speak it seems like you will have to wait until then. Please do not start messaging incessantly or calling repeatedly as he may react badly to this and you'll have no way of knowing. If he does react badly it could very much affect the way the two of you communicate at the set time. When is it you are supposed to talk? If you are needing to vent and you feel like you are having difficulty waiting then you should talk to your friends, or post here. You posted that your parents do not know you are in this relationship. Why? Do your friends know? I am wondering why if this relationship has been going on for some time, and you are even thinking of marriage, that your parents have no idea? You do not say how long you have been together. How long? If you already have a time that you are going to visit, why are you discussing moving or marriage until this happens? It just seems as though you are jumping too far forward and that is a lot of pressure when you haven't met yet. Meeting in person is necessary to even find out your true compatibility. Wouldn't you agree? Plenty of people have been in relationships online and then have had them not work out because of the connection (the mysterious chemistry connection) just wasn't there in person. I don't say this to alarm you. I am just telling you that it does happen sometimes. Something you should truly think about is the seriousness of moving to another country to get married and be with him. I can tell you that stress and problems will come up. They just do. It is a part of life and marriage is difficult. If he is having a hard time with issues now and is willing to discard the relationship then how would he handle problems if you were there and you were married? How he is reacting should give you pause as well. So keep as calm as you can and try to put this all in perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
MinusTwo Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I agree with everything Island Girl has said. You shouldn't even worry about the long-term until you meet in person. What if there is not chemistry in person? What if you don't like the way he smells (i know that sounds ridiculous, but it's a huge factor in regards to attraction)? What if he's not who you thought he was in person? Often times people who spend many hours online, whether it be in video games, chat rooms, or forums, do so because they feel like it's an escape from their reality. A lot of people have trouble communicating, but are much more confident and comfortable behind a keyboard. Think about these things. Meet first, then worry about it. If he's not even willing to meet you (sounds like he's already backing out), then I don't think he feels it's worth it, and neither should you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy3Sei Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 well i jst said "tmr night" so no set time but anw he did reply me and we talked a full two hours on it >_< we've met for like 3 months then he confess that he loves me and I didnt hav feelings for him untill another 3 months or so and decide to take this relationship, its been another 8 months since. I have let a few of my real life friends know abt him (also some from game) but ppl dont giv me positive views. and my parents have really bad impression about meeting ppl online from scrach and i think it'll be better if he can come in person first then it'll be easier to talk to my parents abt it, well this is how i feel. Ofcuz i really want to let my parents know...i think its a must but i dunno how should i start to make it sounds more real than jst internet affair... u know...its a big big decision to decide to move to another country or not and sometimes i am sure but sometimes i am not sure....and while my feelings are swaying, he can feel it too so we dicided to hav a proper talk...this issue is always in our minds since we decide to take our relationship jst that didnt discuss properly cuz it seems to bring more sadness... he does agree meeting in person is necessary, but he also says if it didnt work out then "his time and money are wasted"...and he also says "hes getting old" and want to sort out things with me asap and i agree with u guys that it is a pressure on me...i seriously told him that we should keep communicating with each other and know each other more and more so i can be more certain abt what to do. but he seems really rush... AND, abt the smell thing me really really agree with u MinusTwo, this is something no1 asks over net or nvr get respond anw =x me not picky abt the look of a person but i AM picky abt weird stuff like guys should only hav short hair, dun dye, nvr smoke + drink, dun wear slippers for a date, shave please and all that. when i become attracted to him all this came into my mind but he said if i love him, i should love everything abt him...the way he is...then me dunno what to respond. and he nvr seem to care how i look like. well i agree with him but i think theres certain extend for each one ryt? any1 agree with me? I was/am the only one that keep asking for photos. and he finally send me one via air mail since my b'day in feburary which idk why still not received yet. I know it'll sound really stupid to love a person that deep without knowing his face at all. even till now i still dunno how he looks like! when i start to imagine how our first date is like, i see a man with no face and it annoys me... i really think hes genuine...from all the fights we have, sadness, happiness together, we share a lot of things in common. emotionally theres no trouble to stay with him. but we also know that he can nvr come to australia for me cuz he wanna take care of me then it has to be a place whr he is familir with...altho he has no regret leaving his family n friend in holland. but me? i spent whole 7 years to make australia a second home to me, i like how it feels like when u can bump into some1 u know on the street. last nyt even he says he dosnt worth for me and "i should jst dump him"...how u guys think towards this? ofcuz we'll hav to meet in real first, but we also dun want to ignore these problems >_< and watever decision is comes to, i really really need time to achieve it. I take things very slowly >_< even if it was a virtual kiss from him at the beginning of our relaitonship, it seriously take me more than 3 months to realise that means a love....and will take a lot of time for me to decide and take action on whether keep goin or give up... i need more opinions, comment, critise, advice, suggestion, etc...even if i hav real life friends to confide to, sometimes ppl dun really listen and worry abt themselves more. but in forum at least ppl can hav a moment to think abt it too then giv me helpful comments like the ones I've read =') really appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 My advice: Make sure this guy is real. Get a webcam, and make sure he has one too. It's nothing like being in person, but with a webcam you can have more interactive conversations. Body movements and facial cues alone can say a lot. So if there are mixed messages, they'll be much easier to clear up. It can also help you verify that this guy is legit. I think it's a little weird that you're the only one asking for pictures. I think it's even more weird that he sent it by snail mail and it never got to you, when sending a pic online would only take a few seconds. Be safe and make sure he's not a fake before you meet him in person. I'm worried about your safety. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy3Sei Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 Be safe and make sure he's not a fake before you meet him in person. I'm worried about your safety. Thank you =) just want to say i agree with all u said and i think my friends whom i talked to all thinking the same thing: this guy isnt worth it sandy (my name) tho they didnt say it but i can feel it. We didnt use webcam bcuz i'm sharing room with my sis and i think its a lil awkward talking on webcam while some1 is around u. But the annoying thins is, he didnt bother to even ask me. And He complains that he's "camera unfriendly" so can't send a digital pic >_> Jst a lil info of what is going one atm for those of u who worries =P well, i hav a talk with him after the one i had, I also talked to two of my frens, one knows him and onw dosnt at the same time. And I found out that I am the only one fighting for our relationship. Despite that its me who dont wanna move to him but, he nvr tries to persuade me either and jst blame me on that. I am studying pharmacy atm, and he dosnt hav a uni degree, ppl who knows this fact would prolly starts to think if hes worth for me. Moving across the ocean like this and leave my life. It's not like if i stay, my frenship will be strengthen and all that, but living here for so long ...it's hard to leave and he dosnt understand that. I randomly said he can move to aust and that jst piss him off =x So the conclusion is: I will leave him...tho it's hard...thiking abt the time we spent together...but my fren (the one that knows him) discuss the bad things abt him with me and i feel better actually =P and rather angry at him for not fighting for me at all...there are prolly more things you don't wanna hear abt his attitude... I am trying to get "real" too =) I don't mean that LDR isnt real, jst that this guy...didnt turn out good... I read most of the threads here, and i think australia vs netherlands is prolly the longest distance i've seen... and having some1 real and gimme real warm hugs is what i really want...so that's all for now =) and wish me luck~!! *so pressured since mum wants me to get married by 25 =(* oh well =P Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 I am trying to get "real" too =) I don't mean that LDR isnt real, jst that this guy...didnt turn out good... I read most of the threads here, and i think australia vs netherlands is prolly the longest distance i've seen... and having some1 real and gimme real warm hugs is what i really want...so that's all for now =) and wish me luck~!! *so pressured since mum wants me to get married by 25 =(* oh well =P Sandy, I think you made the right decision to move on and let this guy go. Just too many red flags from what you have shared with us, and more, I suspect that you haven't shared. Finding someone close by whom you can develop a warm, caring and healthy relationship with is a good plan. Especially since, one of your top priorities should be finishing your studies. Studying "Pharmacy?" Oh, wow! That's great! As far as your mother goes, though *she* may want you to get married by 25, *it is* your life -- and no mother wants her child to spend the rest of their life miserable, no matter what they say. So, take your time. Give yourself time to heal. Concentrate on your studies, and when you're NOT concentrating so hard on finding "the one" someone WILL come into your life who deserves your love and devotion. Funny how life works that way, but it usually does. Just believe... All the best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Janus_28th Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 <sigh> Sometimes, we just have to let it go. Cheer up, the future is bright. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sandy3Sei Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 thank u guys so much =') *needed emotional support* yea i know no parents want theit kids to spent the rest of their lives with a &%$##*@ partner, mum jst "hope" we all get married early and dad jst wants me to marry an alive one ._. I hope every1's relationship turns out well =) whether LDR or not, a relationship is a relationship! and i DO HOPE life happens in opposite way that ends up better =) Sandy Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts