autumnlover Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Hi. I am new. I have a serious problem and i need some help. I am engaged to be married October 2004 and i told my fiance/boyfriend of 4 1/2 years that i cheated on him. When i say cheated i mean i slept with someone else when i was with him. He didnt take it to well as it was expected. It was 4 years ago and I told him because i am/was about to get married to him and i wanted to start our lives without a lie. I am so in love with him. At the time i cheated on him, I was going through a hard time in my life. I just got out of the hospitial and i thought he was going to leave me. His family didnt like me (and i still feel like they dont) I figured he was going to leave me because his family didnt like me. SO i figured that he was going to leave and i didnt want to feel the pain like i had before. So i found someone else. I told him lastnight and it was horrible. It was eating and eating and eating at me for 4 long years. Something was bothering me for a long time and all of a suden i just broke down and knew i had to tell him. At first, i lied to him and told him i just kissed them. I felt horrible after that so i called him lastnight and told him the whole truth. He said he is very angry at me and he said he didnt know if he was going to leave. Then he told me he was going to stay and work things out. He made me feel like s**t by saying things like "every girl i was ever with cheated on me" and " i always brag about you in work to my co-workers about how wonderful you are" and " i have worked so hard to build a life for you and i and this is how you re-pay me?" I mean i can hear him saying these things to me over and over. I fell like i can look at him again and i know this will be going through his heaed everytime i leave the house. I gave him the choice to leave and i made it very clear that i was not going to hold him back. he said he wasnt. Then he calls me this morning and said he didnt want to leave. He said he should but he wasnt. The thing is, i cant bear to cause him more pain than i already have. What do you think i should do?? How do i prove to him that i would never do this again?? and how can i cope with the anger he has the re-building our relationship?? Thanks for your help and sorry this is so long. nice meeting you all autumnlover Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Well, the fact that he is willing to stay with you should let you know that he loves you a lot. And it was 4 years ago - so if you haven't cheated on him since then, he should be a little more understanding. But once you've cheated, it's hard to regain his trust back. It's just something that you will have to work at and earn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author autumnlover Posted October 12, 2003 Author Share Posted October 12, 2003 Thanks for your advice. I am having a really hard time with this. It just hurts so bad to think that he is crying at night or of he is thinking about it. TO stay with me, it does prove alot. I talked to friend of mine today about it and she just yelled at me and said some horrible things. I can tell she thinks i am some kind of bad person. She said" you know i think of him as my brother and you did him worng so you did me wrong" i know she is upset but she is acting like i do this everyday. I dont know why i did it in the first place. I didnt know what i was thinking and everyone keeps telling me i am full of s**t and that i am lying to them. Well what do you want me to say. Yeah...i did it so i could hurt you?? That isnt what i ment to do. Like i said before....i was all kinds of messed up. I am not who i was 4 years ago. I am a diferent person. I have changed alot and i am not ever going to do it again. I dont care what anyone says. I made a BIG mistake and i cant take it back. The only way wwe can move here people is forward, not backwards. no one seems to understand that. I know i did wrong but it was one time and one time too many and i should be kicked to the curb. I want to move past this and it seems like something is keeping from doing it. I was also said told that my friend thinks i am doing it to sabatoge my wedding and i should have told him the minute he slipped that ring on my fingert and yada yada yada. I feel like going to everyone's house that has an opinion and screaming to them...HEY, I KNOW I MESSED UP BUT IT WASNT SOMETHING I INTENDED TO DO. I WOULD NEVER HURT HIM INTENTIONALLY . Am I such a horrible person that i cant be forgiven for this. I mean am i that kind of a person. What gives. I am not conding my actions but at least i was honest. I didnt want to hurt him anymore than i have and i came clean. My other friend is married and she cheated on her husband and never told him. SOme people say that it is better left unsaid. you know what you dont know wont hurt you? well i think more of my fiance than that. I didnt want to have his children and then tell him. I didnt want to marry him and then tell him. I told him now so if he wants to go, he can and it would be easier to seperate then if we were married. I just cant get over how everyone is acting about this. it seems like the only support i've got is here. I didnt think it would be easy and i didnt think it would not hurt him. I just didnt think t would be like this. I mean a guy can cheat and it is like oh ok you cheated no big deal but when a girls does it ONE TIME, she is a WH**E. I cant get over that. I am not a wh**e and i am not a slut and i am not someone who plays the field. I made a mistake and i am owning up to it. most people would never tell. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Sweetheart, I think you and your fiance will need professional help. Cheating is not something anyone gets over easily. I also think it would help to have someone unbiased to listen to you both and help you talk things over with each other. Ask your fiance to consider going to couple's therapy. You are right that honesty is the best policy, but perhaps he feels like this is something that should have been aired years ago. Still, good that you told him before the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author autumnlover Posted October 14, 2003 Author Share Posted October 14, 2003 Well i wanted to wrote you all and let you know that My fiance and i talked about things he said he is willing to leave it in the past and never look back. I know we still have work to do on the trust issue and i know it will take along time for him to forget about it completely but i am willing to work my ass off to prove to him that he is my one and only and also on my attitide and to go out of my way for him like he does for me. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP!!!! autumnlover Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 It sounds like you have found yourself a really good guy. Be sure you work hard to deserve his trust. Very best luck to both of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Nostalghia Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 Expect him to change his mind .... my ex did! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 They don't all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author autumnlover Posted October 14, 2003 Author Share Posted October 14, 2003 Originally posted by Nostalghia Expect him to change his mind .... my ex did! Thank you for that but i know he wont. He means the world to me. He knows that. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 Just remember, if your fiance forgives you and wants to work things out and continue with the engagement and wedding, that's all that matters. Don't let what anyone else might say ever get you down. Once they see you two happy, they will realize that you did the right thing telling him and that you were sincere in your reasons. I think it's commendable that you had the courage to tell him and take your chances with the consequences. I wish you both the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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