Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX

[cachaca]

I guess this is the most common post...and I will likely get the most common answers too. Truth is, that just putting my thoughts down is likely going to help me already.

 

We have been married for 12 years now. We have 2 wonderful boys, 4 and 7 years old. I am 35 and she is 32

 

I would consider myself to be a great husband. I cook our meals, I earn a 6 figure income, I help around the house, I am a very active father to my kids, and I always try to do nice things for my wife. I can't say that I am a "hunk"...but I exercise 5 days a week, keeping myself young and fit.

 

My wife is a stay at home mom, who has recently (>2 years) taken on a career in fitness. She teaches group classes at a few local Gyms. She is also very fit (and gorgeous). As for the wife part of the equation, there is little left to ask for. She is an excellent house-general, a great mother to my kids, handles all the bills, and most of the "business" of running a household.

 

Just by looking at the raw data, we are your average all American family. Couple, 2 kids, cats, nice house, good cars.

 

Some of you will scoff at me for saying this, but in spite of our 4-7 times a month sex-escapades...I am very unsatisfied.

 

We are constantly arguing over sex. I want it everyday...she says things like "...but we just had sex 2 days ago...", as if it would make me feel better. She also assumes that I can just masturbate everyday and it should satisfy me. No...it does NOT.

 

She gets mad that once she has made it clear we are NOT having sex, I stop hugging her. She wants me to hug/cuddle and fall asleep that way. Damn it...I am horny...if I hug you, if I touch you, I want to eat you, not fall asleep.

 

Beyond the frequency, I want better sex. Most of our routine is just it..a routine. Sex is to be had between 22:00 and 23:00, nothing kinky because she is too tired. She generally asks for "quickies". I have grown used to not asking anymore, because she says that my asking is a turn-off. When she let's me know that she wants sex, it is generally phrased like: "...I am so tired...come here and have a quickie...but you only have 5 minutes...".

 

I have promised myself that I will say NO the next time she does that...that I deserve better...that she has to give us more time for proper love-making... The last time I said no...she said "okay" and fell asleep. Another master plan down the toilet.

 

This is getting old. I am upset that she chooses to prioritize everything else in her life, and MY needs come LAST. Just before she falls asleep.

 

We constantly struggle with my "expectation" of Sex. She says I should never expect it, and I have a very hard time accepting that concept.

 

The other day she made a remark, about exactly what I am not sure about anymore...but she claimed that I was only doing a certain thing because I wanted sex. I told her that in case she did not know yet, MOST of what I do is, in one way or another, to get sex. I want her to be impressed with me...with my cooking, my health, my ability to provide, my skill at work, my career. All that so that she WANTS to have a piece of me. Well...that has not worked yet. Or it only works 4 times a month.

 

I guess this is enough of a rant. We argued over sex again tonight...she has already gone to sleep, and I stay awake...as usual.

 

As I expected, I feel better already, just for posting this. Cheers to all.

[Mr. Lucky]

Some of you will scoff at me for saying this, but in spite of our 4-7 times a month sex-escapades...I am very unsatisfied.

 

We are constantly arguing over sex. I want it everyday...she says things like "...but we just had sex 2 days ago...", as if it would make me feel better. She also assumes that I can just masturbate everyday and it should satisfy me. No...it does NOT.

 

She gets mad that once she has made it clear we are NOT having sex, I stop hugging her. She wants me to hug/cuddle and fall asleep that way. Damn it...I am horny...if I hug you, if I touch you, I want to eat you, not fall asleep.

Two questions for you:

 

1). What was the best sexual experience of your marriage and under what circumstances did it occur?

 

2). Is your wife orgasmic? Once sex starts, does she enjoy it?

 

Mr. Lucky

[cachaca]

Answers:

 

1 - The "best" sexual experience...I can't say that over 12 years we haven't had several great experiences. I have had sex in cars, in foreign countries, beaches, hiking trails, etc. It has been a pretty adventurous sex life...up till about 6 years ago.

 

2 - Yes, she seems to genuinely enjoy it. She climaxes everytime we have oral sex. I offer oral sex nearly every time...and yet she refuses constantly. Even without oral sex, I do not think she is faking it. There are positions she likes more than others, and she is never shy to tell me not to stop once the rythm, position, and impact strength are to her liking.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Answers:

 

1 - The "best" sexual experience...I can't say that over 12 years we haven't had several great experiences. I have had sex in cars, in foreign countries, beaches, hiking trails, etc. It has been a pretty adventurous sex life...up till about 6 years ago.

 

2 - Yes, she seems to genuinely enjoy it. She climaxes everytime we have oral sex. I offer oral sex nearly every time...and yet she refuses constantly. Even without oral sex, I do not think she is faking it. There are positions she likes more than others, and she is never shy to tell me not to stop once the rythm, position, and impact strength are to her liking.

 

Wow you give oral sex to your wife and she's complaining??? I'd say give it time because not men are like you attentative to their women's needs.

 

Have you brought the romance back I mean she may not feel intimately close as you. Remember the woman's biggest sexual organ is between their ears. lol. I leaned that the hard way.

[hopesndreams]

We constantly struggle with my "expectation" of Sex. She says I should never expect it, and I have a very hard time accepting that concept.

 

It's supposed to be mutual and not one-sided. It's supposed to be given not taken. Look at this as in other areas of your life. Do you "expect" a hot meal on the table as soon as you come in the door from work? Or is your wife too busy with "running" the household and the day you don't have that hot meal waiting for you are you accepting of that and understand the reason why? You really do have high expectations from your wife in this department, take a chill pill and give her the hugs and the falling asleep in your arms, she'd appreciate it when you do that for her and would reciprocate for what you want some other night.

[AnthonyF]

Sound like me, except I am older and 4-7 times a month I'd be ecstatic .

 

I would have said to quit complaining until you stated it lasted only 5 minutes.... There are some issues there and I'm not sure what they are. However the average act are not 1-2 hours that you read about here, but probably 10-15 (maybe 20 minutes).

 

I'll tell you first and foremost to "shut-up" and quit whining for it. Will not help at all... Have fun with it. Try not to let it consume you or your spouse. Do not withdraw. Yes go masturbate (though not as satisfying). Enjoy that you fall asleep cuddling. Be thrilled you have a gorgeous good wife.

 

Have small talks when things are going well but I promise you if you do press, she will resent it and feel pressure and no one wins.

 

Yes your feelings are 100% normal.

[TrivialPersuit]

My jaw just dropped. You give her oral and she doesn't want it? Ok..........I am so wishing I was here! HA! That's bad I know. I have the same exact issue with my spouse. I want sex all the time maybe even twice a day. I am always horny and I have been this way since I was a teen. I have been told I am over sexed but, I don't think I am. I just want it all the dang time. I know there are other people on this board (there just has to be) that are like us and want it daily. Nothing wrong with that. As for masturbation, I am stuck doing that often myself. It isn't as satisfying for me either and here is why. I feel that having actual intercourse allows me and my spouse to feel more connected. I think that connection is very vital in a relationship.

[JamesM]

Sound like me, except I am older and 4-7 times a month I'd be ecstatic .

 

I would have said to quit complaining until you stated it lasted only 5 minutes.... There are some issues there and I'm not sure what they are.

 

Agreed.

 

More sex is not what you want, methinks, but better sex.

 

If you had passionate sex four to seven times a month and she said that was all she could handle, then I think (or rather hope) you would accept that.

 

It is the "hurry up and git r done" attitude that makes each session less than satisfying.

 

Pressuring her for sex is not the answer. The more you say "we need to do it more," the more she feels pressured and the more you will get the "git r done" type sex.

 

There is a book called "Sex Begins in the Kitchen," and the idea is that the best sex is obtained by focusing on everything before sex. While you say you do all of the right things (and I am not saying you do or don't), this is where I would begin if I were you.

 

Examine each area and see where you can improve.

 

And she is right...she suspects that everything you do is for one purpose. Get your rocks off.

 

And what SHE wants is that you do everything because you LOVE her and not because you love her BODY. The fact that you do everything so that YOU can get more sex says that her importance is her body.

 

As my wife said in the lowest time of our marriage, "I am just a hole and you don't see the rest of me. If you had another woman, then you would be just the same."

 

I denied it, but it was her perception based on how I (in her mind) treated her.

 

My guess is that your wife feels about the same way, so she is giving you "the hole" and calling it good...in hopes that this will shut you up for awhile.

 

Paradoxically, you will get more sex if you quit expecting more sex. She is right. Expecting it puts pressure on her to perform for you. And simply because you promise to perform oral on her doesn't make it more exciting. If she does not want sex, then none of it is satisfying.

 

What are her likes and dislikes? What have been her complaints about you? Do you cuddle enough in her mind? Doe you spend enough time connecting with her? Do you just listen to her? Do you know what she does every day? Do you know what her concerns and fears are as of this moment?

 

This is NOT about sex nor the missing passion. This is about the missing connection in your marriage.

 

The solution in my mind for you is to begin forgetting about sex so that you will get more.

 

At the rate it is going, I guarantee that you will look back one day and wish for the "4 to 7 times a month quickies."

 

Analyze your relationship and find out what SHE thinks is lacking.

[KK715]

Wish I could tell your wife to count her blessings. I will be 50 this year and until recently, the men I've dated in my 40's have either had an extremely low sex drive or could not 'perform' for medical or psychological reasons. It was so frustrating and finally, luckily! I have found a man who is willing and able to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with me. ANYWAY -

 

Something is going on with your wife. You're doing everything you can to be her partner 100% from what you wrote. Either she's taking you for granted, lost her sexual desire for you, there's someone else, or she just doesn't love you anymore.....a woman who loves you will not tell you to hurry up, etc. If she's satisfied with a few times a month and you want it most days, she should care enough about you to compromise.

 

Making love should not be the last activity of the day after a long day of work, kids, housework, etc. If she loves you, she will be willing to put time aside earlier in the day, even if you have to make special arrangements for child care. Where there's a will, there's a way and if she's not willing to work with you to find a way - I think you're marriage is in trouble and you will be forced to accept it the way it is or divorce.

 

I'm not trying to dog on your wife - I guess the bottom line to me is that couples in love want to love each other and will find ways to make it happen. Period.

 

Good luck.

[manugeorge]

I think your wife views sex as a favor to you. This is the line of thinking you need to tackle. I don't know how unfortunately. Many women grow up thinking of sex as something you do FOR a man. Some sort of dog treat or cookie you throw his way for a job well done. Until she changes that mentality and comes to view sex as a form of intimacy shared between two people. As something she herself is suppose to want and enjoy, you will be stuck in this land of frustration for years to come.

[AnthonyF]

I think your wife views sex as a favor to you. This is the line of thinking you need to tackle. I don't know how unfortunately. Many women grow up thinking of sex as something you do FOR a man. Some sort of dog treat or cookie you throw his way for a job well done. Until she changes that mentality and comes to view sex as a form of intimacy shared between two people. As something she herself is suppose to want and enjoy, you will be stuck in this land of frustration for years to come.

 

Yes and us males are just plain dumb. We equate doing the little things (helping around home, cooking, cleaning, childcare and bringing home a good salary) as leading to our reward (sounds stupid). I call it 168 hours of foreplay. Women easily can then say that that is not enough and you didn't listen (or hear) something that has ruined all the "good work".

 

Then the coup de gras....... Everything works and she has orgasms (easy for men to have, not as easy for women).... Sorry to be blunt, but we are completely stumped. We are dumb males.

 

I am amazed reading on this site, women claiming they dress in lingerie, work to seduce, initiate their spouse/significant other and it doesn't work....

 

I will be even more blunt in this case then, either your husband has ED, mommy or sex issues or you are not attractive to your spouse. Told my spouse if she wants me to stop bothering her for sex she should put on 40 pounds (being brutally frank) .

[mom07]

I understand what you are going through expect I am the W. I know it is odd for a woman to want it that much. My H is like your wife LOL. Do you have any suggestions for me to get my husband in the mood more? He goes 3 weeks before he wants sex again. I've tired dressing up, have dinner cooked for him when he gets home, our house is always clean (I'm a clean fanatic) and I'm also a stay at home mom (two kids 2 and 7mths). I've asked him if there is anything I can do and he says everything is fine. I take care of myself and I'm still skinny so it's not because I am fat.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes and us males are just plain dumb. We equate doing the little things (helping around home, cooking, cleaning, childcare and bringing home a good salary) as leading to our reward (sounds stupid). I call it 168 hours of foreplay. Women easily can then say that that is not enough and you didn't listen (or hear) something that has ruined all the "good work".

 

Its this attitude that your W and the OPs W is honing in on. You think that doing the stuff that you would HAVE TO DO if you were on your own actually counts towards foreplay. LOL.

 

When pressure is put on us to give you what you want (sex) because you thought that marriage entitled you to it (it does not - plenty of people get married knowing that they will never be able to have sex with their companion), YOU GET LESS OF IT if any at all. Sorry, dude. Them's the breaks.

 

Sounds like you guys are about to start threatening to have affairs if you don't get the sex that you want. Take a look around at OW/OM if you haven't already for how those encounters usually end with you having made your situation worst. Unless you are willing to divorce over not getting your way. SMH

[pkn06002]

cachaca:

Been where you are at my wife started to give me the "are you done yet" and "hurry up and finish" comments like your wife. Like you I like giving oral and making sure she orgasmed first. Talk about something that makes you feel like crap and builds resentment.

 

Tell you what you BETTER get to the heart of the matter for the reason that this can make you VERY vulnerable to an affair. Let me tell you that is a bad route to go down.

 

You may have to come to terms that you will not get what you want. You will have to compromise, but you definitely need to find out the "real" issues.

[angie2443]

Wow you give oral sex to your wife and she's complaining??? .

 

Not all men perform it well. Also, if a woman is not in the mood, it can hurt or feel unconfortable.

 

I'm not saying this as any put down towords men. Some women can't perform well either. It goes both ways. In either case, I think the recieving person should at least give hints as to what they like.

[angie2443]

Yes and us males are just plain dumb. We equate doing the little things (helping around home, cooking, cleaning, childcare and bringing home a good salary) as leading to our reward (sounds stupid). I call it 168 hours of foreplay. Women easily can then say that that is not enough and you didn't listen (or hear) something that has ruined all the "good work".

.

 

These are not little things. These are the responsibilities of the adults and children (who are old enough) who live in the house. This includes the husband. They eat, sleep and whatever else there also. Unless their wives are also their hired maids, the husbands need to pull their weight around the house too.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She gets mad that once she has made it clear we are NOT having sex, I stop hugging her. She wants me to hug/cuddle and fall asleep that way. Damn it...I am horny...if I hug you, if I touch you, I want to eat you, not fall asleep.

 

We constantly struggle with my "expectation" of Sex. She says I should never expect it, and I have a very hard time accepting that concept.

 

Just based on these two comments from her... I would suggest you try to step it up in the romance department. BUT, you need to verbally tell her that she means much more to you than just the physical. Make sure she understands that sex is just a physical expression of the love you have for her in your heart. Spend about 2 weeks being cuddly and doing things for her that are "thoughtful". THEN start to plan 2-3 romantic evenings, space them out over 2 months... don't expect anything, just see what happens.

 

If none of that works... Sorry dude your wife just doesnt like you.

[manugeorge]

Not all men perform it well. Also, if a woman is not in the mood, it can hurt or feel unconfortable.

 

I'm not saying this as any put down towords men. Some women can't perform well either. It goes both ways. In either case, I think the recieving person should at least give hints as to what they like.

 

Or maybe she just doesn't care for it period. Just because it's oral sex doesn't mean every woman jumps at the chance. Some genuinely can take it or leave it.

 

A mistake a lot of guys(people) make is applying cookie cutter loving techniques to their partners and then they are suprised when the other party doesn't respond. This is why communication and paying attention to non-verbal cues is important.

[AnthonyF]

Its this attitude that your W and the OPs W is honing in on. You think that doing the stuff that you would HAVE TO DO if you were on your own actually counts towards foreplay. LOL.

 

When pressure is put on us to give you what you want (sex) because you thought that marriage entitled you to it (it does not - plenty of people get married knowing that they will never be able to have sex with their companion), YOU GET LESS OF IT if any at all. Sorry, dude. Them's the breaks.

 

Sounds like you guys are about to start threatening to have affairs if you don't get the sex that you want. Take a look around at OW/OM if you haven't already for how those encounters usually end with you having made your situation worst. Unless you are willing to divorce over not getting your way. SMH

 

ABSOLUTELY WRONG:mad:.... On a scale of 1-10, my cleanliness was probably a 5-6, spouse is a 10. I am now at an 8-9 (spouse would say 7-8:rolleyes:). As for the other stuff, I make more of an effort in the kitchen, cleaning up, spending time with her (not friends or computer).... These are are all things MEN DO (not women). So the fact I go above and beyond I expect it to be noticed!!!! Can you imagine a man saying the same if he was the cleaner of the two?????

 

Here's another one: "Maybe I'll go to the Football game with him, so I can get sex tonight".... vs. "I'll go to the mall with her, because I'll have sex tonight".... Men may go to the mall to spend time, because it is the right thing to do....

 

No I am not contemplating or ever thought of an affair.

 

Love how being honest, results in these responses.

 

You sound like the women who complain regardless of what we do, that we are too dumb and thick headed and missed the signs or have not provided the emotional support, empathy or read your moods correctly.

[vander]

Not all men perform it well. Also, if a woman is not in the mood, it can hurt or feel unconfortable.

 

That's very true -- it takes me a few days to recover. Two nights in a row leaves me hobbling in pain the next day. Perhaps your wife needs a recovery time? Especially if you're the kind of guy who "lasts" a while, she may need some time to recover.

 

On a more psychological note -- sex is a mostly physical thing for guys. But for us ladies, there is alot of emotion involved. Could it be something emotional? She said that you "expect" sex. That turns sex into a chore. A tiring chore. Who gets excited about doing a chore? It might as well be scribbled on a to-do list:

 

buy groceries

clean bathrooms

mow the yard

have sex with hubby

take out the trash

pay bills

take car to mechanic

 

Sex just doesn't look fun at all in "chore" format. She needs to WANT to have sex. Have you asked her what she wants in the sex department? Maybe she needs something new? Maybe she is frustrated too.

[soserious1]

Yes and us males are just plain dumb. We equate doing the little things (helping around home, cooking, cleaning, childcare and bringing home a good salary) as leading to our reward (sounds stupid). I call it 168 hours of foreplay. Women easily can then say that that is not enough and you didn't listen (or hear) something that has ruined all the "good work".

 

 

 

 

The "reward" one gets for helping to keep their home clean? is a clean,sanitary home.

 

The "reward" one gets for cooking? is a hot meal you enjoy eating

 

The "reward" one gets for childcare? hmmm.. having an active and essential part in shaping the character and values of your off spring.

 

As I was told repeatedly by my house husband, nobody is owed sex and expecting to be exempt from the chores of daily living simply because you earn a paycheck is entitled,elitist thinking.

 

You want to know that you'll get sex in exchange for x,y or z? hire a hooker.

[cachaca]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

To all who posted genuine comments...I feel so alone in dealing with this...I don't want to confide in my closest friends...yet somehow, I have confided in a bunch of strangers... Go figure.

 

***

 

This "situation" is not new. We have been struggling with it for a few years now. We have experimented with different techniques to handle it, but they all seem to fail. We have even gone to a couple therapist.

 

I have gone for a couple months with a smile on my face, assuming that it was all great, and that assuming that once that the pressure was off, she would jump me and rock my world. Well...for 2 months...we barelly had sex. (probably 3-4 times in the 8 week period). So, no, it did not work.

 

I used to buy flowers frequently for her, but we have gone quasi eco friendly, and there are only so many potted mini-flowers I can bring home.

 

I cook meals for her...whatever she likes. Salmon, chicken, brocolli, risottos, grilled meats, etc. When she wants Sushi, I say "...would you like me to go get it?".

 

As I type all this, I can just see my wife exclaiming that I am not being reasonable. That I bring up the sex topic all the time, and hence I kill the mood. It is an egg-and-chicken problem. We don't talk about it, but we haven't solved the problem.

 

Just tonight I asked her how can I demonstrate to her that I am interested in her, without making a move (hence allowing her the space to make the move). Her reply: "...do we have to talk about it again?"

 

So...all in all...I am going to guess what will happen. We will go for a couple of weeks both upset. Within these 2 weeks, we will have sex again, and she will automatically assume that I am "good for a few days". After 2-4 days, when I am again bursting with interest, she will say that I am pressuring her, and the argument starts again.

 

In the end, I am the one feeling unloved...I am the one feeling as if my needs are not being met...I am the one feeling like she has yet to make a sacrifice for ME. There, I said it again, I expect her to change her mind every now and again and say YES when she would ordinarily say NO. Why? Just because she loves me, and she needs to go out of her way to show it (like I do).

 

When valentines day came, I had flowers in her car, in her gym, and at the house. All of them with cards, with love notes written by hand. Do you think I got some sex that night? No.

 

To me, the MOST painful thing is that in spite of how wonderful we may have gotten along all day, or how long it has been since we have had sex, if she does not want it, it is simply "NO". It isn't "...honey, let me take a rain check..." or "...boy, that massage was great, but I just want to sleep" or "I am horny too, but my back hurts, can we do it tomorrow?". Nope...I get none of that. All I get is NO, and if I ask why, she says that I am pressuring her. She falls asleep in 7-10 minutes, and I am left behind wondering WTF I did wrong.

 

To those of you who told me: "...let her go...cuddle and be happy..."... you probably have never been horny enough... It is like a crack addiction. I want it, I want it, I want it.

 

Somewhere in my twisted mind, I think that sex is part of the marriage contract. There...I said it. No, she does not have to agree to every kinky request...but why can't I expect some sex...especially if it is actually enjoyable for her? I feel like I fulfill my part of the bargain, I want my fair share.

 

A couple of months back, she even suggested a schedule: Tuesdays and Thursdays would be sex nights. It was not what I wanted, but it was a heck of a lot better than what I had been getting. I was super excited...we did not follow the schedule to the letter, but it was close enough. I was the happiest, most content I had been in many years. Then I went on a business trip, and the deal is off again. I will try to revive that option.

 

And for those who made the comment about the extra-marital affair. That is not really an option for me, not only do I think that no woman would be interested, but it would not be right. If I am married, my energy needs to go into my family. HOWEVER, I do have fantasies about casual sex. I do not think I will ever activelly persue the fantasies, but it is fun to day-dream sometimes.

 

Gents, Ladies...thank you for the interest and the advice. I will let you know how it went.

 

Regards.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The "reward" one gets for helping to keep their home clean? is a clean,sanitary home.

The "reward" one gets for cooking? is a hot meal you enjoy eating

The "reward" one gets for childcare? hmmm.. having an active and essential part in shaping the character and values of your off spring.

As I was told repeatedly by my house husband, nobody is owed sex and expecting to be exempt from the chores of daily living simply because you earn a paycheck is entitled,elitist thinking.

You want to know that you'll get sex in exchange for x,y or z? hire a hooker.

 

.... as a guy... I would not expect to have sex with my wife because I did X,Y, or Z. It would be because she loved me.

 

If it isn't there... it's because she either doesn't love you... or she is a controlling freak not worthy to be called a wife.

 

Sex and emotional involvement should be there in both directions no matter the situation. Otherwise... there is no point in staying in the relationship.

[AnthonyF]

The "reward" one gets for helping to keep their home clean? is a clean,sanitary home.

 

The "reward" one gets for cooking? is a hot meal you enjoy eating

 

The "reward" one gets for childcare? hmmm.. having an active and essential part in shaping the character and values of your off spring.

 

As I was told repeatedly by my house husband, nobody is owed sex and expecting to be exempt from the chores of daily living simply because you earn a paycheck is entitled,elitist thinking.

 

You want to know that you'll get sex in exchange for x,y or z? hire a hooker.

 

Missing the point again!!!!! I said it as a male. We think a house cleaned to a 5 is perfect (on a 1-10 scale). Doing it to an 8 is going the extra mile. Taking the kids to activities (well beyond the 50/50 split) or playing with them so she has the chance to go to the gym or sleep in is something

we go the extra mile for. Doing a full dinner and doing dishes to your spouses specs (not yours) is going the extra mile.....

 

Quit being so hard done by. Ask a male whether they want a spotless house, a gourmet meal and absolve of mundane driving and childrens activities or sex, and most males will take the sex.

 

Get it yet!!!!

[soserious1]

You look at almost everything you do/say as an action that you figures entitles you to be repaid with sex.

 

I gotta tell you I don't even know you and I'm feeling pressured just reading your posts:)