Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX

[RecordProducer]

It is selfish to demand sex, but it is also selfish to expect a spouse to live without it. It's an issue that must be resolved, not avoided, imo.

It must be resolved in the favor of HAVING SEX. Avoiding sex is basically avoiding marital happiness. What is love if there's no sex? Friendship.

 

It's not selfish to demand sex from your wife, at least once a week. It's like saying that little kids are selfish for expecting food or clean clothes, employees are selfish for expecting salaries, and spouses are selfish for expecting fidelity. You have a right to expect to have sex in a marriage. If you can't get it in the marriage, you should be allowed to get it elsewhere.

 

My marriage was sexless, averaging fewer than ten times a year, with barely any enthusiasm on his part. He says he was disgusted by my personality, but I think he was just afraid to deepen the connection between us, lose control, and become vulnerable. Then I slept with another man and didn't hide it from hubby. Ever since then, the sex is way more frequent, even though we're separated now (we didn't split because of the other man). It might actually help to sleep with someone else when your spouse withholds sex. You can't talk to people, cuz they are not reasonable creatures; but you can poke their egoes, fears, and instincts for competition - as a last resort.

[ashleyjj]

I realized my response might be rather late but I'll just throw it out and hope it helps. You know what you should do? Watch porn, masturbate and stop asking for sex. Really.

 

There are countless threads here posted by women who are asking for help because they're "sexually neglected" by their spouse due to porn. Guess why I'm here.

 

Once your wife finds out about your porn thingy, well, I bet she'll be concerned and you'll start getting more sex from her. Just don't get addicted to porn.

[scrunchy]

I should have add, in my last post, that my first ex was doing just as much as me around the house.. he was a great gardener.. In fact, almost anything I wanted I got...

 

I rarely cooked.. he would help me with the dishes, vacuum, kid.. etc.. I just lost my libido and my passion for him..

 

Maybe that's the problem. These men are feminizing themselves too much and are too available to their wives. All of that can be much more of a turn-off than a turn-on. Sure, I would love my hypothetical hubby to do all the work around the house and treat me like a queen, but that doesn't mean it would automatically make me sexually attracted to him! Go out more often and stop putting on the apron to cook would be my suggestion.

Humans want what they can't get or what is hard to attain. I wouldn't put myself on a silver platter to them and then on top of that, do all the housework. You might get farther doing the opposite.

 

Your wives were putting out more often BEFORE they were married - before they had you in the bag. Now that you are completely available to them and tied down to ONLY them, they may lose some of their libido. Why? Cause it's no longer needed. They needed it to land you but that task is accomplished so now it's onto child-rearing. When they feel the hunt is still on, then that sexual energy may come back. What changed before and after marriage? Sounds like you fellas have turned into half-housewife and look how far that has gotten you?

 

Am I going to get sexually excited by my husband doing the vacuuming? I would be very pleased for sure, yes. But come on!! I mean would you get turned on if your wife helped you fix the car if you were a mechanic? "WOW you helped me put in a new engine!" Now afterward she looks like a greased up dirty man, clothes torn, hairy raspy and straggly, and you go "LETS HAVE SEX NOW". Possibly maybe, but I'm not so sure!

 

I think it's important for both sexes to maintain their sexuality. Especially if a man is the breadwinner, why should he be working long shifts and then be expected to take care of the household? The least a sahm could do is keep the house in order. I would definitely leave most of the cleaning to the wife. Cooking is one thing but trying to spic and span the house is way too feminizing for a male. I'm sorry but it is. How do you expect a woman to be attracted when you grow female characteristics yourself. "I DO THE DISHES, SO HAVE SEX WITH ME!" Blah... B O R I N G... THANKS>> I WONT NAG YOU NOW HUNNY, BUT HELL, I WONT HAVE SEX WITH YA EITHER> GN! or ALRIGHT, YOU CLEANED THE COUNTERS< ILL GIVE YOU THE OBLIGATORY QUICKIE! THEN SHUT UP AND GET TO BED! GN!

 

Sometimes being too attentive is no good either. It feels the same way as one would feel as if they have a stalker or are someone else's obsession- first instinct is to run. Less attention, less availability, less womanly traits and more of the man you were before marriage.

[giotto]

I've gone off sex...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Maybe that's the problem. These men are feminizing themselves too much and are too available to their wives. All of that can be much more of a turn-off than a turn-on. Sure, I would love my hypothetical hubby to do all the work around the house and treat me like a queen, but that doesn't mean it would automatically make me sexually attracted to him! Go out more often and stop putting on the apron to cook would be my suggestion.

Humans want what they can't get or what is hard to attain. I wouldn't put myself on a silver platter to them and then on top of that, do all the housework. You might get farther doing the opposite.

 

Your wives were putting out more often BEFORE they were married - before they had you in the bag. Now that you are completely available to them and tied down to ONLY them, they may lose some of their libido. Why? Cause it's no longer needed. They needed it to land you but that task is accomplished so now it's onto child-rearing. When they feel the hunt is still on, then that sexual energy may come back. What changed before and after marriage? Sounds like you fellas have turned into half-housewife and look how far that has gotten you?

 

Am I going to get sexually excited by my husband doing the vacuuming? I would be very pleased for sure, yes. But come on!! I mean would you get turned on if your wife helped you fix the car if you were a mechanic? "WOW you helped me put in a new engine!" Now afterward she looks like a greased up dirty man, clothes torn, hairy raspy and straggly, and you go "LETS HAVE SEX NOW". Possibly maybe, but I'm not so sure!

 

I think it's important for both sexes to maintain their sexuality. Especially if a man is the breadwinner, why should he be working long shifts and then be expected to take care of the household? The least a sahm could do is keep the house in order. I would definitely leave most of the cleaning to the wife. Cooking is one thing but trying to spic and span the house is way too feminizing for a male. I'm sorry but it is. How do you expect a woman to be attracted when you grow female characteristics yourself. "I DO THE DISHES, SO HAVE SEX WITH ME!" Blah... B O R I N G... THANKS>> I WONT NAG YOU NOW HUNNY, BUT HELL, I WONT HAVE SEX WITH YA EITHER> GN! or ALRIGHT, YOU CLEANED THE COUNTERS< ILL GIVE YOU THE OBLIGATORY QUICKIE! THEN SHUT UP AND GET TO BED! GN!

 

Sometimes being too attentive is no good either. It feels the same way as one would feel as if they have a stalker or are someone else's obsession- first instinct is to run. Less attention, less availability, less womanly traits and more of the man you were before marriage.

 

I wish I knew if anything has changed, I was involved since day 1 with an all too typical problem.

 

Now for the above post. Bull.... This is what many males have to put up with way too much. We don't pull our weight, we are not affectionate enough, we aren't romantic enough, we can't read signals.

 

How many times do we hear how much work the wife does and that she is exhausted and then when we help, carry more then our share and we expect to be recognized and yes rewarded (because the wife has had that burden lifted) do we then read this crap above.

 

There is no winning....

[Mr. Lucky]

Once your wife finds out about your porn thingy, well, I bet she'll be concerned and you'll start getting more sex from her. Just don't get addicted to porn.

Lends a whole new meaning to playing "hard" to get ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[scrunchy]

I wish I knew if anything has changed, I was involved since day 1 with an all too typical problem.

 

Now for the above post. Bull.... This is what many males have to put up with way too much. We don't pull our weight, we are not affectionate enough, we aren't romantic enough, we can't read signals.

 

How many times do we hear how much work the wife does and that she is exhausted and then when we help, carry more then our share and we expect to be recognized and yes rewarded (because the wife has had that burden lifted) do we then read this crap above.

 

There is no winning....

 

Wives nag.. that's our job. Just because you do what we say doesn't mean that will turn us on... unless we enjoy domination. Rewarded? As in a chore for us? You do want to turn a woman on, right? Or do you just expect her to just give up obligatory sex because you helped out around the house? Some women just don't get turned on unless the chase still exists. I'm sorry you and others are getting no sex, but not even a woman sometimes understands why she is not turned on by her husband anymore. Hence her lists of chores for you to do declaring it would free up some sex time, but it hasn't made her want you more often! It's just a natural decrease in attraction that she herself might not be able to explain. If you want to drive a fire inside of her, sometimes you have to play more hard to get even though you are married. I'd say if it aint workin', try something else. It doesn't have to be my suggestion, but veer a little off the chore duty- it's not making her want you!

[giotto]

if it ain't working, it ain't gonna work... what's the point in trying something else? Let's face it... couples' dynamics change along the years and you might stop loving your other half... so what? It happens, and it happens a lot. The affection will be there, but not the love (and the sex). I learnt it the hard way. Finally, I realised that it didn't matter what I did. Nice, nasty, house chores, the gym, the flowers... it just didn't work, because you can't make your other half love you again. In fact, we are staying together just because of the children. Since I realised that - a sort of epiphany in the middle of the night - I've gone off sex and my wife and, despite the promise of weekly sex (to keep the marriage together - which is more or less happening), it's been a huge turn-off for me. So, I've given up being what I wasn't. It's me again... like it or leave it...