Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX

[kakui215]

... these are mostly women who never bothered to discover their own sexuality.

 

Yes, and one sign of that is that my wife is one who has rarely ever masturbated -- at least, that's what she's always told me. And every time I've ever asked her to share any fantasies, she says that she doesn't really have any.

[Lizzie60]

For your comments. I am really taken aback by a few posters who I have upset with my caveman posts trying to ask serious questions, while trying to be somewhat humourous (or so I thought).

 

The response was and I think more to my posts then to the OP what I view women as just holes.

 

Again I am completely flummoxed and lost as to what they are upset about or how I offended them.

 

Again I will state any male who does more then 50% of the work around the house expects it to be noticed and to be rewarded (saying this as we are neanderthals). Our idea of a reward is different then a woman's (who may expect or hope for a spa day, flowers, dinner out....). Often we expect sex (and I mean mutually satisfying sex)....

 

Again this is a stoopid male talking.

 

You're welcome..

 

This story reminded me with my first ex.. I did NOT want sex with him anymore.. I like him like a brother. nothing more. so my libido was at 0... We still had sex once or twice a week.. since this was a constant argument between us. But when I had sex with him.. I just wanted him to cum quickly... but I was still good.. I gave him oral each time..

 

Then one day.. I had enough.. sex with him was giving me nausea.. so I told him he could have a mistress if he wanted.. we had a good life.. cars, beautiful house, kids, grand-kids (from his daughters)... sex was just a sacrifice.. I had no passion anymore... we hardly never fought except for sex.. like the OP.. life was great except for sex.

 

I think that some women out there who do NOT want sex with their H, would turn their head if he was getting it outside...

 

ps.. I finally left him... I just couldn't stand it any longer.

[AnthonyF]

There are many, many days that I do more than 50% of the work at home (kids, cleaning, managing the marriage, etc) and I don't expect to be rewarded. As long as it doesn't become one sided for too long, I do what needs to be done. So does my husband. If it does become one sided, we discuss the issue and resolve it. We don't come up with some crazy barter system in which he gives me flowers, or what ever it is women are supposed to want, and so I do the dishes.

 

And if it is out of kilter, does your spouse not do anything to show he is appreciative (i.e. flowers, dinner out, a massage....)? That is what I would do.

 

And when you do more then 50% and it does become one sided, have you ever (be honest) resented your spouse and not wanted sex???? Tell me a husband who'd react the same way.... Can you imagine how stupid that sounds.

 

"No dear, not tonight I am too tired from doing all the work around the house and upset with you right now.":D

 

If he doesn't then he is not being appreciative of your contributions.

 

I used to bring home flowers and we'd joke that it was out of guilt that I was looking at other women....

 

How many times have men (the majority) heard as an excuse that women are too tired, did too much around the house and did not get assistance and this amounts to resentment.

 

 

Again the stupidity is that sex is mutually satisfying or should be.

[Lizzie60]

I should have add, in my last post, that my first ex was doing just as much as me around the house.. he was a great gardener.. In fact, almost anything I wanted I got...

 

I rarely cooked.. he would help me with the dishes, vacuum, kid.. etc.. I just lost my libido and my passion for him..

[taylor]

Sounds like your wife is the dominant one in the relationship.

 

She runs the household, tells everyone when they are getting up, where they are going, what time they need to be back, and what time they are going to bed.

 

And she tells you when you will have sex, where you will have it, how and if.

 

I don't mean this to be cruel, but from your posts, you sound like you have become her "lap dog." She says, "Jump" and you say "How high, honey."

 

You have got to turn this around somehow.

 

She is taking you for granted big time.

 

If anyone would cheat in your relationship, it would be her.

 

One of these days she's going to meet some bad boy who won't let her push him around and she's going to do a double take. She will see him as a challenge, it will excite her, and then guess who will be getting some sex from her.

 

Stop begging and pleading. It's unattractive.

 

Stop doing housework, thinking that will turn her on. It doesn't. Never did. Never will.

 

And stop kissing her butt. It's great when a cold/unemotional man warms up to a woman. It's a turn on. The emotional connection is great. But when a man pours it on too thick, kowtowing to her every whim, it looks desperate and pathetic, and after a while she starts taking him for granted.

 

I think your wife knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. You aren't going anywhere.

 

Again, you need to turn this around.

 

Hopefully some bad boys will post here to give you some pointers on how to get a woman to beg you for sex and not the other way around.

 

As for your wife, I think she needs to put her to-do list down. She's letting a good man slip thru her fingers because she is too busy doing too many things that really don't matter at the end of the day.

 

She may go to bed satisfied that she got everything done to her liking and all is well. She may go to bed thinking she succeeded in accomplishing all that she set out to do that day. She may think she is an awesome woman, wife and mother because she did everything that needed to be done. But none of it means jack-sh-- if your husband is lying in bed crying and is forced to masturbate to get his needs as a husband met.

 

Your wife has failed you, bigtime, because no man should be lying in bed crying his eyes out because he can't get his wife to love him. Every tear you cry is a reflection of her failure as a loving wife. And one day she will come to regret this.

 

At the end of the day, what's more important...that the garbage got taken out or that your husband feels loved. It should never even come down to a choice such as this.

 

I hope she reads this thread. She needs a wake-up call.

[giotto]

 

I rarely cooked.. he would help me with the dishes, vacuum, kid.. etc.. I just lost my libido and my passion for him..

 

there you go... I wonder why very often women are not honest with themselves, us - men - and the situation? I would have preferred if my wife told me straight that she didn't love me anymore, she lost all her libido and passion. I would have accepted it, instead of hearing endlessly excuses. I know she did it for the kids, to protect "the family" but it was unfair on me... I lost 13 years of my life because of that. It's not a crime, losing your libido, falling out of love. It happens. Just be frank about it...

[taylor]

When women say, "Not tonite, honey, I'm too tired from all the work I had to do today..."

 

IT'S TRUE. They ARE tired from all the work they did that day and they don't want to have "tired sex" because that is a chore.

 

BUT

 

The thing is women bring this on themselves!!!

 

They don't NEED to scrub that floor until it's so clean you can eat off of it.

 

They don't NEED to get every last weed out of that flower bed.

 

They don't NEED to bake 500 cookies for that PTO meeting.

 

They don't NEED to get all that laundry washed, dried and put away in one day.

 

Women put these pressures on themselves. For what?

 

If you don't get the cookies baked, the floor scrubbed or the garden weeded does that make you less of a wife? NO NO NO

 

A man could care less if you do these things if you are tending to HIM.

 

And what could be more important?

 

My husband and I had some of our best sex when the dirty dishes were piled up on the sink and the mountain of dirty clothes was shoved in a closet. And the weeds in the garden...well, we just didn't even take time to look at that garden, come to think of it;)

 

In 40 years, what do you want to remember...that spotless floor, that weedless garden, or those steamy nights under the sheets with the man you love.

[Lizzie60]

there you go... I wonder why very often women are not honest with themselves, us - men - and the situation? I would have preferred if my wife told me straight that she didn't love me anymore, she lost all her libido and passion. I would have accepted it, instead of hearing endlessly excuses. I know she did it for the kids, to protect "the family" but it was unfair on me... I lost 13 years of my life because of that. It's not a crime, losing your libido, falling out of love. It happens. Just be frank about it...

 

 

I told him.. you have nooo idea how many discussions we had about this..

[giotto]

I told him.. you have nooo idea how many discussions we had about this..

 

 

It wasn't directed to you personally, Lizzie, it was just a general remark...

[AnthonyF]

Sounds like your wife is the dominant one in the relationship.

 

She runs the household, tells everyone when they are getting up, where they are going, what time they need to be back, and what time they are going to bed.

 

And she tells you when you will have sex, where you will have it, how and if.

 

I don't mean this to be cruel, but from your posts, you sound like you have become her "lap dog." She says, "Jump" and you say "How high, honey."

 

You have got to turn this around somehow.

 

She is taking you for granted big time.

 

If anyone would cheat in your relationship, it would be her.

 

One of these days she's going to meet some bad boy who won't let her push him around and she's going to do a double take. She will see him as a challenge, it will excite her, and then guess who will be getting some sex from her.

 

Stop begging and pleading. It's unattractive.

 

Stop doing housework, thinking that will turn her on. It doesn't. Never did. Never will.

 

And stop kissing her butt. It's great when a cold/unemotional man warms up to a woman. It's a turn on. The emotional connection is great. But when a man pours it on too thick, kowtowing to her every whim, it looks desperate and pathetic, and after a while she starts taking him for granted.

 

I think your wife knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. You aren't going anywhere.

 

Again, you need to turn this around.

 

Hopefully some bad boys will post here to give you some pointers on how to get a woman to beg you for sex and not the other way around.

 

As for your wife, I think she needs to put her to-do list down. She's letting a good man slip thru her fingers because she is too busy doing too many things that really don't matter at the end of the day.

 

She may go to bed satisfied that she got everything done to her liking and all is well. She may go to bed thinking she succeeded in accomplishing all that she set out to do that day. She may think she is an awesome woman, wife and mother because she did everything that needed to be done. But none of it means jack-sh-- if your husband is lying in bed crying and is forced to masturbate to get his needs as a husband met.

 

Your wife has failed you, bigtime, because no man should be lying in bed crying his eyes out because he can't get his wife to love him. Every tear you cry is a reflection of her failure as a loving wife. And one day she will come to regret this.

 

At the end of the day, what's more important...that the garbage got taken out or that your husband feels loved. It should never even come down to a choice such as this.

 

I hope she reads this thread. She needs a wake-up call.

 

Great..... We're screwed..... Figuratively not literally (what we want)...

[angie2443]

cachaca, I've read some of the posts and skimmed through a lot of this, so if I missed something, I'm sorry.

 

Look, if this is still an issue with you after all these responses, then maybe you should leave these boards for a time and get an MC.

 

It is so predictable how many posters (including me) will respond. They can't tell what's really going on. They can only see the situation through the filter of their personalities (biasis and all) and experiences. The answer lies between you and your. If you can't find it there, and want to solve this issue, go to a qualified MC, one who has a good plan, and both you and your wife can get to the bottem of this. Otherwise, these boards are just going to be a place to vent and complain.

[angie2443]

They don't NEED to scrub that floor until it's so clean you can eat off of it.

 

They don't NEED to get every last weed out of that flower bed.

 

They don't NEED to bake 500 cookies for that PTO meeting.

 

They don't NEED to get all that laundry washed, dried and put away in one day.

 

.

 

 

What planet do you come from that all these wives are scrubbing their floors spotless every day so they can eat off of it? I know of no one like this except for a relative who is a perfectioist about everything. This isn't that common, though and this was how she has always been. Most of us clean our houses to keep the roaches out and so we don't have to be tripping over everything just to get from a to b.

 

Besides, if the husband/partner is doing their share of the work, the laundry wouldn't need to be done by the wife/other partner everyday because two people would be contributing to it.

[cranium]

Same situation, but married 20 years. To me, it's not just the lack of intercourse, but the lack of sexuality. Sexuality as a part of our overall relationship - physical, mental and emotional well being.

 

Lack of sexuality, lack of energy, limited participation and lack of interest in doing anything about it. This isn't my problem, it's OUR problem. It's not about "expecting" sex as much as it is about "desiring" sexuality to be an important part of the relationship. If one partner is dissatisfied with the sexual relationship and both partners are all in (2 children), there's bound to be expectations that they'll work together to see if the situation can be improved (especially if your partner has discussed the same issue with you time and again, not to mention bringing home a library of info).

 

If we only have very limited opportunities to get together and limited time when we do, I have expectations that we’ll make the most of it. I’ve verbalized these expectations/desires many times and then I wait. Her actions haven’t supported a willingness to do anything to improve the status quo. Never does she ask, “what can I do for you?” There is not shared sexuality and sexuality as a concept within our relationship does not seem to resonate with her.

 

As long as I'm venting, I’m also bothered by her apparent inability to read my body language when I’m not responsive. I’m able to read hers and already know that unless she’s initiating, nothing’s happening. If a week or more goes by with zero sexuality, I’m resentful, hurt and angry. Seeing that we’re sexual maybe twice monthly, I’m hurt and resentful often. I have communicated such, many times. When I’m harboring resentment and I’m angry, I’m then not in the mood for a no-eye-contact, no fondling quickie to be followed by another two weeks of little hugs and pecks. This is not shared sexuality.

 

good luck, just know you're far from alone.

[angie2443]

As long as I'm venting, I’m also bothered by her apparent inability to read my body language when I’m not responsive. I’m able to read hers and already know that unless she’s initiating, nothing’s happening. If a week or more goes by with zero sexuality, I’m resentful, hurt and angry. Seeing that we’re sexual maybe twice monthly, I’m hurt and resentful often. I have communicated such, many times. When I’m harboring resentment and I’m angry, I’m then not in the mood for a no-eye-contact, no fondling quickie to be followed by another two weeks of little hugs and pecks. This is not shared sexuality.

 

good luck, just know you're far from alone.

 

I don't know anything of your situation except what you just wrote. Just wanted to say, that women aren't mind readers anymore than men are. My husband throught he knew me like a book, untill one day I had to have an akward talk with him and explain he wasn't getting a lot right (not really talking about sex here). I thought my husband should be able to read my non-verbal cues to see where I was comming from. My mistake was assuming he percieved things as I did. He was the same. We were both wrong. I had to be much more direct with him and he had to tone it down with me. We still work on it but at least were aware of it. If you want things to change, you can't rely on body language. You have to be very honest and detailed about you want and so does she. I'm not saying that this will change things, just if you want things to change, you need to do this.

[AnthonyF]

I don't know anything of your situation except what you just wrote. Just wanted to say, that women aren't mind readers anymore than men are. My husband throught he knew me like a book, untill one day I had to have an akward talk with him and explain he wasn't getting a lot right (not really talking about sex here). I thought my husband should be able to read my non-verbal cues to see where I was comming from. My mistake was assuming he percieved things as I did. He was the same. We were both wrong. I had to be much more direct with him and he had to tone it down with me. We still work on it but at least were aware of it. If you want things to change, you can't rely on body language. You have to be very honest and detailed about you want and so does she. I'm not saying that this will change things, just if you want things to change, you need to do this.

 

Angie I hate to be nasty but you are so wrong..... These wives (mine included) know exactly what's wrong. This is pretty damn simple. We have gone past the norm, which women have placed on us (hate to be blunt) and want SEX..... If we want it 4X's a week and are getting it 2X's a month (and having to accept that schedule), come day 17, we are pissed. Very, very simple...... We are not complex. If you choose to ignore it, I can't explain it to you any simpler.

 

If we have bought you an expensive present, jewelry, cleaned the house top to bottom, prepared dinner, have the wine chilling and flowers for you and kids out for a sleepover and then you fall asleep at 10:00 or decide you want to read, we'll be apoplectic and our body language will speak volumes.

 

To get reallly really low, your body language and reasons can be completely different and certainly not as obvious.

 

I am not the only one feeling this.

[cachaca]

Angie2443: right on. I am not without sensitivity that 100% of the advice I will receive will be biased. It starts biased because I am the only one talking about the problem...and ends biased because most of the posters have their own issues and opinions.

 

HOWEVER, nobody here actually knows me or my wife. I m thrilled that some of the posters have shared their own heartfelt stories. It makes me feel more connected....and not so alone. I found Anthony to have the single best advice for me, and I will follow it. Several others had similar advices, but Anthony's rang more true, probably due to his personal battle, so similar to mine.

 

I will withdraw from further comments for a bit. It has been liberating, and eye-opening. Best luck to you all on your own relationships.

 

Regards...

[soserious1]

Angie I hate to be nasty but you are so wrong..... These wives (mine included) know exactly what's wrong. This is pretty damn simple. We have gone past the norm, which women have placed on us (hate to be blunt) and want SEX..... If we want it 4X's a week and are getting it 2X's a month (and having to accept that schedule), come day 17, we are pissed. Very, very simple...... We are not complex. If you choose to ignore it, I can't explain it to you any simpler.

 

If we have bought you an expensive present, jewelry, cleaned the house top to bottom, prepared dinner, have the wine chilling and flowers for you and kids out for a sleepover and then you fall asleep at 10:00 or decide you want to read, we'll be apoplectic and our body language will speak volumes.

 

To get reallly really low, your body language and reasons can be completely different and certainly not as obvious.

 

I am not the only one feeling this.

 

 

Then I would suggest to you that you do NOT buy expensive presents, clean the house, prepare dinner, chill wine, arrange flowers or anything else that you think requires rewarding you with sex

 

 

I can understand somebody in a sexless marriage being upset but someone having sex 4-7 times per month isn't in a sexless marriage.. if you have high desire and your partner is of a lower desire your best bet imho is putting sex on a schedule.. you won't get it as often as you'd like but she will have sex more than she would like.

 

I used to enjoy sex quite a lot but even I can see how irritating it would be

if every time my partner did something considerate I couldn't just enjoy that act but had to wonder/worry if he would then expect sex and storm off in a hissy fit if he didn't get it.

[taylor]

What planet do you come from that all these wives are scrubbing their floors spotless every day so they can eat off of it? I know of no one like this except for a relative who is a perfectioist about everything. This isn't that common, though and this was how she has always been. Most of us clean our houses to keep the roaches out and so we don't have to be tripping over everything just to get from a to b.

 

Besides, if the husband/partner is doing their share of the work, the laundry wouldn't need to be done by the wife/other partner everyday because two people would be contributing to it.

 

I live on the same planet you do where there are plenty of women who put every chore on their daily to-do list with their husband on the bottom and by the time it's HIS time "to be done" the wife is too tired. You, perhaps, are just not one of them.

 

I have seen and read this scenario over and over again.

 

And I feel for these men who think by cleaning the house and running errands they are going wittle down the wife's to-do list enough to get sex. Not gonna happen.

 

I also feel for these women who put their men at the bottom of the to-do list. They will regret what they missed out on later in life.

[AnthonyF]

Then I would suggest to you that you do NOT buy expensive presents, clean the house, prepare dinner, chill wine, arrange flowers or anything else that you think requires rewarding you with sex

 

 

I can understand somebody in a sexless marriage being upset but someone having sex 4-7 times per month isn't in a sexless marriage.. if you have high desire and your partner is of a lower desire your best bet imho is putting sex on a schedule.. you won't get it as often as you'd like but she will have sex more than she would like.

 

I used to enjoy sex quite a lot but even I can see how irritating it would be

if every time my partner did something considerate I couldn't just enjoy that act but had to wonder/worry if he would then expect sex and storm off in a hissy fit if he didn't get it.

 

First I am not getting it 4-7 times a month (mistaking me for someone else). You are also missing the point and what I was responding too. How obtuse can one be!!!! Ughhhh.

[manugeorge]

I can understand somebody in a sexless marriage being upset but someone having sex 4-7 times per month isn't in a sexless marriage.. if you have high desire and your partner is of a lower desire your best bet imho is putting sex on a schedule.. you won't get it as often as you'd like but she will have sex more than she would like.

 

Soserious has a point here. There are situations where it is merely a case of mismatched libidos. My relationship is like that. Compromise is the key. I put out a lot more than I personally desire, he scales back more than he desires and we meet in the middle. Neither party feels cheated or pressured.

[soserious1]

First I am not getting it 4-7 times a month (mistaking me for someone else). You are also missing the point and what I was responding too. How obtuse can one be!!!! Ughhhh.

 

Obtuse?

 

I believe it was Einstein who stated that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over... and expecting different results.

 

Now you can keep cleaning that house top to bottom, keep chilling wine and buying flowers,parenting your children and all the other life tasks you feel are so vile that you should be rewarded with sex for them in hopes of guilt tripping her into having sex as often as you would like... and most like you'll get the same result..the opportunity to continue lying next to her crying, wanking your weenie.

 

or...

 

You can take her out one night for coffee and tell her "look, we're in a bad place here, I need and desire sex a lot more than you do, can we bring this issue to couple's therapy? alternatively can we just put sex into the schedule x number of times per week. If she refuses and refuses counseling, then you have to decide if your desires are important enough to end the marriage over and go from there.

 

I worked fulltime plus, was the sole bread winner, did a significant portion of the daily household stuff..my husband didn't desire me sexually and in the end if you just don't do it for somebody anymore then trying to ignite desire into them by doing things or buying them things is about as futile as trying to empty the ocean with a tea spoon. In the end I decided that though I could probably live in a sexless marriage, I couldn't live in a sexless marriage where I was also verbally demeaned and blatantly cheated on.. I divorced.

[AnthonyF]

Obtuse?

 

I believe it was Einstein who stated that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over... and expecting different results.

 

Now you can keep cleaning that house top to bottom, keep chilling wine and buying flowers,parenting your children and all the other life tasks you feel are so vile that you should be rewarded with sex for them in hopes of guilt tripping her into having sex as often as you would like... and most like you'll get the same result..the opportunity to continue lying next to her crying, wanking your weenie.

 

or...

 

You can take her out one night for coffee and tell her "look, we're in a bad place here, I need and desire sex a lot more than you do, can we bring this issue to couple's therapy? alternatively can we just put sex into the schedule x number of times per week. If she refuses and refuses counseling, then you have to decide if your desires are important enough to end the marriage over and go from there.

 

I worked fulltime plus, was the sole bread winner, did a significant portion of the daily household stuff..my husband didn't desire me sexually and in the end if you just don't do it for somebody anymore then trying to ignite desire into them by doing things or buying them things is about as futile as trying to empty the ocean with a tea spoon. In the end I decided that though I could probably live in a sexless marriage, I couldn't live in a sexless marriage where I was also verbally demeaned and blatantly cheated on.. I divorced.

 

I think you are mistaking me for someone else. I have fun on this board. It is cathartic and I talk in broad generalities. Some is me, some jsut my observations.

 

I will assure you outside sex I am very happy, and I realize that I really have little to be unhappy about.

[angie2443]

I live on the same planet you do where there are plenty of women who put every chore on their daily to-do list with their husband on the bottom and by the time it's HIS time "to be done" the wife is too tired. You, perhaps, are just not one of them.

 

I have seen and read this scenario over and over again.

.

 

You've seen this with your own eyes? Wow, it would be fun to be the fly on the wall and watch what happens with these couples behind closed doors. Most of don't really have that opportunity.

[taylor]

You've seen this with your own eyes? Wow, it would be fun to be the fly on the wall and watch what happens with these couples behind closed doors. Most of don't really have that opportunity.

 

Meaning I have witnessed this scenario in real life situations whereby friends and relatives have discussed this very thing with me..they have painted the visual picture with their words to me. I didn't need to be in the bedroom with them to "see" it firsthand. But a number of friends and relatives and coworkers have shared this "bedroom" info with me just the same and I could see their frustration and anxiety that this kind of scenario can create. Would I have confused you less had I said I heard with my ears real people in my real life talking about, complaining about, discussing this scenario and I could see with my own eyes how upset they were about it?

 

The other way I have been made aware of this scenario is by reading people's words on this and and other forums where they also paint a vivid picture of what is happening behind closed doors.

 

So I guess I have been made aware of this scenario by things I have seen with my eyes, things I have heard with my ears, and things I have read with my eyes and interpreted with my mind.

 

Can I make it any clearer for you?

 

You are being ridiculous.

 

Sounds like I hit some kind of nerve with you, just don't know which one!!??#$%.

[Mr. Lucky]

Soserious has a point here. There are situations where it is merely a case of mismatched libidos. My relationship is like that. Compromise is the key. I put out a lot more than I personally desire, he scales back more than he desires and we meet in the middle. Neither party feels cheated or pressured.

I think every succesful couple has to solve this equation at some point because it's rare that sex drives are consistently matched over the course of decades. Having been on both sides of the issue (when younger, being the "petitioner" and now in my 50's having trouble keeping up), I'm constantly reminded of how many non-sexual issues are involved in sex. Who'da thunk it ???

 

Mr. Lucky