Loving Husband - married 12 years - all good...except for SEX

[princessjay76]

OK, I have been trying to read all the posts here but I may have missed something important, so please don't yell if I get something wrong.

 

cachaca, I would swear you were my hubby. Your relationship is a reflection our ours. Maybe be hearing what is going through my mind will give you some insight or help into figuring out your wife.

 

1) First and foremost, my hubby sucks at oral sex. He just does. I've tried to help him, talk him through it, show him the raunchiest girl-on-girl porn so he can learn from the techniques, everything you can think of and he just sucks. Or doesn't...depends on how you look at it. Finally, I've taken to just faking it so not to hurt his feelings. It's a few minutes out of our night, it doesn't physically hurt me and it makes him happy. Bottom line is, you really have no idea if she's faking or not. She's telling you she likes it, right? I tell my hubby that I love it every time. If she's having an orgasm, you will not be able to tell unless you have your fingers inside her and can feel her vaginal muscle contracting. Bless his pea-picking heart, he just hasn't picked up on that. Maybe she's not loving it as much as you think. And before you all yell at me for "lying" to him, the lie doesn't hurt anyone but myself. I choose to endure 5-10 minute of really really bad oral instead of crushing my hubby and possibly damaging our sex life so bad that it can't be repaired. This is a decsion I made to look beyond that one bad thing. Lots of women cannot. One bad move can turn them colder then Alaska. This could be an issue.

 

2) We're lucky to have sex even once a month. He works most days 10 hours, coming home at 11 at night. He sleeps till whenever I wake him up and generally doesn't do much to help me out (my choice...he wasn't ever taught how to do housework and I'm not interested in teaching him now). I'm a SAHM with 3 kids to raise, one still being 3. I have chores and duties that take my whole day. I have volunteer work that take some of my nights. There's school and scouts and camping trips and crap I've forgotten to write down. We just got a new puppy and as anyone with a puppy knows, basically we just had another kid. I have my elderly mother across the street not to mention the rest of my family within walking distance. I'm tired. It's that simple. Take right now for instance. The poor man just put in his long day, being 14 hours, took the time to stop at McDonalds because I made a passing comment about wanting fries and what does he have to look forward to? A peck on the check, me logging off here in a few minutes to go to bed and when he tries to do anything, I'm already asleep and he has to make his way back to the computer to look at the online sex videos I found and bookmarked for him, just so he had some kind of release. It's not fair, I know it but jeez....I'm tired. There are some nights I can just roll with it because quite frankly, after the second month of no sex, he's gonna go pretty quick. But it is hard to work up the effort. It doesn't mean I'm not still interested, not by far. Unfortunitly, I normally start feeling fiesty right in the middle of the day and the time just isn't right cuz he's just heading to work. Then by the end of the day, I'm not feeling anything but love for my pillow.

 

3) Her not liking the fact the you end the cuddeling when she says no....she's just being a bitch. A selfish bitch. Sorry but she is. When I have to tell hubby no, the last thing I expect is for him to continue to press himself up against the very thing I'm refusing him. Hey kids, here's a candy bar...hold it but no eating allowed. Come on, grow up. It's not about self restrant, it's about not torturing the person that's respecting your feelings by keeping their hands off of you. From her point of view, yeah it's hurtful and make her feel like a piece of meat but you know what else is hurtful..... blueballs.

 

4) Everything people do in thier relationships is for sex. You can call it love or romance but at the end of the day, both men and women are just hoping to get a piece of ass. Sex is a reward. Doesn't make it right, just makes it a fact of life. You have a fight, you withold sex. You get a diamond necklace, guess who's getting lucky tonight. Now granted, doing the dishes doesn't automatically earn you the right for a little 'sump'm 'sump'm. But you are certainly not wrong for wanting it when you do some chore. I make a good dinner, I want the damn kitchen clean. Doesn't mean I'm gonna get it either.

 

OK, that's it. Maybe I didn't help and maybe I didn't make a lot of sense but I will point out that I have read most of this to hubby (sans the first paragraph, I'm sure you all understand why) and he does agree with me. If you cannot discuss these things with your spouse, then sex isn't the biggest issue. Communication is and you have to fix that problem before you can worry about the physical stuff.

[NoIDidn't]

ABSOLUTELY WRONG:mad:.... On a scale of 1-10, my cleanliness was probably a 5-6, spouse is a 10. I am now at an 8-9 (spouse would say 7-8:rolleyes:). As for the other stuff, I make more of an effort in the kitchen, cleaning up, spending time with her (not friends or computer).... These are are all things MEN DO (not women). So the fact I go above and beyond I expect it to be noticed!!!! Can you imagine a man saying the same if he was the cleaner of the two?????

 

Here's another one: "Maybe I'll go to the Football game with him, so I can get sex tonight".... vs. "I'll go to the mall with her, because I'll have sex tonight".... Men may go to the mall to spend time, because it is the right thing to do....

 

No I am not contemplating or ever thought of an affair.

 

Love how being honest, results in these responses.

 

You sound like the women who complain regardless of what we do, that we are too dumb and thick headed and missed the signs or have not provided the emotional support, empathy or read your moods correctly.

 

I am at a loss over the tone of your post. I also don't understand what you mean by things that men do and women don't. Or the fact that you expect your going over and beyond to be noticed. Noticed by her having sex with you? That does make any sense.

 

I think Mr Lucky summed it up nicely in his statement about sex having many non-sexual cues. The last poster also made a great point: it seems her H sucks in bed and she just isn't going to tell him.

 

I don't know why men make it seem like "women's work" is so easy and doesn't leave us too tired for sex. You guys have no idea how much thought and organizational time goes into taking care of kids, getting them to school, helping with their homework, remembering whose teacher to call, who has a special event after school....and so on. When a man doesn't free up his W's MIND to actually think about sex instead of all those other distractions, he gets less sex.

 

Its not about taking things off her to-do list. Its about freeing up her mind to actually think sex.

[AnthonyF]

I am at a loss over the tone of your post. I also don't understand what you mean by things that men do and women don't. Or the fact that you expect your going over and beyond to be noticed. Noticed by her having sex with you? That does make any sense.

 

I think Mr Lucky summed it up nicely in his statement about sex having many non-sexual cues. The last poster also made a great point: it seems her H sucks in bed and she just isn't going to tell him.

 

I don't know why men make it seem like "women's work" is so easy and doesn't leave us too tired for sex. You guys have no idea how much thought and organizational time goes into taking care of kids, getting them to school, helping with their homework, remembering whose teacher to call, who has a special event after school....and so on. When a man doesn't free up his W's MIND to actually think about sex instead of all those other distractions, he gets less sex.

 

Its not about taking things off her to-do list. Its about freeing up her mind to actually think sex.

 

 

No one is saying women's work is easy. We are saying when we do these "chores" or put in our share or more, we are freeing up time to think sex and that still does not work.

 

Let's not even get in to the argument whether us men not getting enough are "good lovers".....

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Not all men perform it well. Also, if a woman is not in the mood, it can hurt or feel unconfortable.

 

Even if not in the mood, having someone perform on me has never made me feel uncomfort or hurt. If done right (or even trying hard); it's wonderful!

[Mr. Lucky]

No one is saying women's work is easy. We are saying when we do these "chores" or put in our share or more, we are freeing up time to think sex and that still does not work.

I think it can be confusing for men. When a MM posts here about a sexless M, the first question asked by many women is about his involvement in household chores and activities on the theory that his W may be to tired for an active sex life. Unfortunately, this may lead some men to confuse dishwashing with foreplay ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecordProducer]

I am so happy to be out of a sexless marriage. I bet if your wife left you today, you'd be hurt, but a few months later, while banging your new girlfriend, you'd be thankful to her.

 

I was married for three years (this was my second marriage) to a guy who was 18 years older than me. I am very good-looking. He ha d a problem with his libido apparently or whatever it was, so he dumped e under many excuses. I believe this all had to do with his inability to have sex. he told me he was disgusted by me. Please note that he COULD perform in bed, but he had no desire. We had periods of seven months without sex and he wouldn't masturbate or cheat or anything. I think these people just don't need sex.

 

When I finally slept with someone else, and didn't hide it from hubby, he wanted me, but that only lasted for a couple weeks. Then everything went back to the old pattern. The only solutions for you are:

 

1. Accept the sexless reality

2. Cheat

3. Divorce (I recommend heartedly)

 

It's not your problem, it's your wife's. Even if she had been raped or abused in the past, this is not a reason to not be horny because many of us are despite of pasts like this.

[AnthonyF]

I think it can be confusing for men. When a MM posts here about a sexless M, the first question asked by many women is about his involvement in household chores and activities on the theory that his W may be to tired for an active sex life. Unfortunately, this may lead some men to confuse dishwashing with foreplay ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No one says it is foreplay, simply sharing responsibilities when we are always told in posts about how much work women do, we think we have started to lay the groundwork.

 

How many men have watched or waited as their spouses had to finish some "chores" that to them seemed mundane or not at all necessary before coming to bed and stating they were "too tired" (generalization here)?

 

Not every night is going to be the art of seduction as you had when you were courting. When married with children, it is the little things, pitching in doing extra chores, rubbing her feet, sitting with her and watching her show, getting her a glass of wine that shows you care.....

 

No one from the OP to me is in a sexless marriage, just mismatched libidos and in a rut right now. I hope the OP works it out.

 

Just to note, I did mention to my spouse that I haven't been bothering her about sex of late, and she agreed, which has made many things overall much better. We can talk about it and laugh, not pressuring makes things a lot better.

[cachaca]

Well...my wife has read my posts and the replies.

 

...

 

Things will not be resolved overnight, there is a great deal of emotional inertia we have to overcome.

Moreover, this is a stressful time for the both of us. We are selling our home and building a new one.

 

AnthonyF: we seem to be in the same boat. Both having loving relationships with wifes whose libidos do not match ours (we are perma-horny, and they are not). I will give it a rest for a bit and see if things improve. Thank you for the support.

 

PrincessJay76: your husband works too much...I used to be self employed, and life was much tougher then. For the sake of your family, you guys should work out a more amicable schedule.

 

BlueEyedBrain: yes...I thought the same thing should apply to my wife...but oh well. I confronted her yesterday about the possibility that she is faking the joy of the oral sex...she vehemently denied faking it.

[AnthonyF]

Well...my wife has read my posts and the replies.

 

...

 

Things will not be resolved overnight, there is a great deal of emotional inertia we have to overcome.

Moreover, this is a stressful time for the both of us. We are selling our home and building a new one.

 

AnthonyF: we seem to be in the same boat. Both having loving relationships with wifes whose libidos do not match ours (we are perma-horny, and they are not). I will give it a rest for a bit and see if things improve. Thank you for the support.

 

PrincessJay76: your husband works too much...I used to be self employed, and life was much tougher then. For the sake of your family, you guys should work out a more amicable schedule.

 

BlueEyedBrain: yes...I thought the same thing should apply to my wife...but oh well. I confronted her yesterday about the possibility that she is faking the joy of the oral sex...she vehemently denied faking it.

 

Brave man showing her the site.... Hope this is a start/impetus to an improved relationship. As said, just put it on the back burner for now, don't go looking for it or pushing it (gentle nudges in a joking fashion don't hurt).

 

Very happy to hear it was not the oral stuff..... Not as if we don't have enough issues hanging us up:laugh:.....

 

Again a male sexist comment.... How many women who participate and enjoy sex, actually worry whether they are good in bed??? Women worry about their physical appearance, men about their performance.

 

Good luck with the house and hope you reach a happy median....

[vander]

Again a male sexist comment.... How many women who participate and enjoy sex, actually worry whether they are good in bed??? Women worry about their physical appearance, men about their performance.

 

I worry about my performance. I always ask my fiance for ways that I can make things better, but he always says he's perfectly content. I still want to do better though.

 

It would help if he would tell me what he wants, what he likes, what he dislikes, what doesn't do any good at all, etc. Feedback/coaching would be great. But he doesn't feel comfortable with the coaching bit. And his feedback is always too positive to be constructive.

 

And yes I also worry about my physical appearance too

[AnthonyF]

I worry about my performance. I always ask my fiance for ways that I can make things better, but he always says he's perfectly content. I still want to do better though.

 

It would help if he would tell me what he wants, what he likes, what he dislikes, what doesn't do any good at all, etc. Feedback/coaching would be great. But he doesn't feel comfortable with the coaching bit. And his feedback is always too positive to be constructive.

 

And yes I also worry about my physical appearance too

 

Are you serious??? Is it performance or variety and various forms of kink? I am at a loss what a women, who orgasms and is excited and participates in the act of sex would be worried about.

[vander]

Are you serious??? Is it performance or variety and various forms of kink? I am at a loss what a women, who orgasms and is excited and participates in the act of sex would be worried about.

 

He's been with other women before me. I want to give him the best sex he's ever had. If he's comparing me with them (which he must do at least on a sub-conscious level), I want to be better than they were. I don't want him to miss his previous partners because they were better than me.

 

Competition aside, sex is so much fun anyway. It's almost like a game to see if I can please him even more the next time.

 

So it's more of an egotistical, self-induced pressure/worry about being good in bed. He's not complaining, so I guess that's ok.

[pkn06002]

He's been with other women before me. I want to give him the best sex he's ever had. If he's comparing me with them (which he must do at least on a sub-conscious level), I want to be better than they were. I don't want him to miss his previous partners because they were better than me.

 

Competition aside, sex is so much fun anyway. It's almost like a game to see if I can please him even more the next time.

 

So it's more of an egotistical, self-induced pressure/worry about being good in bed. He's not complaining, so I guess that's ok.

 

Do you have any idea how profound this is?????

 

Also how rare also?

 

Because woman that think this way are far few and in between. The ones that are this way are only that way with people they seem to really click with.

 

What is really fun is when both people are like this. But that sadly is even more rare.

[AnthonyF]

Do you have any idea how profound this is?????

 

Also how rare also?

 

Because woman that think this way are far few and in between. The ones that are this way are only that way with people they seem to really click with.

 

What is really fun is when both people are like this. But that sadly is even more rare.

 

Just to be clear though, you are saying it is hugely important to a male (majority at least)?

 

This again is where there is so much anxiety and consternation. If a woman told a male she is multi-orgasmic and only has one every time with him, he will be bothered to no end. I am convinced it is so different for a woman, though the the pressure to look good probably more then makes up for it......

[pkn06002]

Just to be clear though, you are saying it is hugely important to a male (majority at least)?

 

This again is where there is so much anxiety and consternation. If a woman told a male she is multi-orgasmic and only has one every time with him, he will be bothered to no end. I am convinced it is so different for a woman, though the the pressure to look good probably more then makes up for it......

 

Not following what you are asking.

[AnthonyF]

Not following what you are asking.

 

Sorry.... Male performance anxiety. The importance a male places on being good in bed.

 

Is that clear???

[pkn06002]

Sorry.... Male performance anxiety. The importance a male places on being good in bed.

 

Is that clear???

 

Ok I understand.

 

I know with myself and the circle of friends I have had throughout my life, YES we all wanted to be considered the best that woman has ever been with. If we were not we asked questions and changed things until we were.

 

I have only meet two woman that returned the favor and oh was that sweet! But seems most woman think a man is happy if you get your rocks off, what good is that? I can take care of that myself if that is the whole goal of the involvement. I want more than a human blow up doll.

 

Same thing for a lot of guys if she seems like she has gotten off you have done your job. As we have seen there and other threads lots of woman fake it.

[AnthonyF]

Ok I understand.

 

I know with myself and the circle of friends I have had throughout my life, YES we all wanted to be considered the best that woman has ever been with. If we were not we asked questions and changed things until we were.

 

I have only meet two woman that returned the favor and oh was that sweet! But seems most woman think a man is happy if you get your rocks off, what good is that? I can take care of that myself if that is the whole goal of the involvement. I want more than a human blow up doll.

 

Same thing for a lot of guys if she seems like she has gotten off you have done your job. As we have seen there and other threads lots of woman fake it.

 

I am shocked that long-term partners would fake it.... I just don't believe it, but what do I know.

 

Even after a woman has got her rocks off, you want to make sure she is finished and there is not more orgasms left....

 

I am curious as to what these 2 women did to make it memorable? I imagine they are into it to make sure you get off. Once finished I can imagine they for their egos may want to see if they can get you going again, but is there anything else????

[pkn06002]

I am shocked that long-term partners would fake it.... I just don't believe it, but what do I know.

 

Even after a woman has got her rocks off, you want to make sure she is finished and there is not more orgasms left....

 

I am curious as to what these 2 women did to make it memorable? I imagine they are into it to make sure you get off. Once finished I can imagine they for their egos may want to see if they can get you going again, but is there anything else????

 

I think long-term/short-term means nothing in this discussion. Just look at the number of threads like this one. See how many woman will admit they would fake it just to make their partner feel better or to go away.

 

What made those 2 woman memorable, was they followed the other comment a few back. They made sure I enjoyed myself as much as I tried to make sure they enjoyed it. In both cases worked to be the best person we had ever been with. That took communication and a willingness to do listen and try things. It is a feedback loop the more I gave the more they did and it spiraled into a wonderful experience.

 

For me personally it is all about control I make everything into a process, follow these steps. They would fight me for that control and see how far they could push me to totally lose control. They found my buttons and used them to take control away from me.

 

See for me it goes WAY past just physical skills. Physical skills impress people the first few times after that (especially long-term) what "new" stuff can you do? It becomes more of a mental involvement, getting into someones head that way is not the easiest thing to do.

 

That is why when I see answers like "schedule times when she HAS to have sex with you" or "your married that is part of her responsibilities" what is the purpose of that? It then breaks sex down to nothing but a physical activity that is masturbation with another person there.

[mental_traveller]

A good sex life is by far the most important aspect of any long-term relationship or marriage for a guy. Without if you will be miserable for the rest of your life, or you will cheat.

 

My advice is to insist on marriage counselling. I would also make a personal commitment to yourself that if there aren't strong signs of improvement within say 3-6 months, that you are prepared to get a separation, and ultimately a divorce if nothing changes on her side. However, keep this between you and a counsellor/therapist until you have tried more positive approaches. Ultimatums can backfire.

 

IMO you need to tell her this is killing your marriage, then if she does actually love you, she will at least be open to *trying* to make things better. If she genuinely tries, then be patient and hope that it gets better. Even small progress is ok, and will eventually add up to big progress. But if she refuses to even try to improve, then IMO your marriage is doomed and I would give it 3 months max before filing papers.

 

That's the brutal truth. Other posters, and you yourself my disagree, but I guarantee I am right.

[mental_traveller]

Then I would suggest to you that you do NOT buy expensive presents, clean the house, prepare dinner, chill wine, arrange flowers or anything else that you think requires rewarding you with sex

 

 

I can understand somebody in a sexless marriage being upset but someone having sex 4-7 times per month isn't in a sexless marriage.. if you have high desire and your partner is of a lower desire your best bet imho is putting sex on a schedule.. you won't get it as often as you'd like but she will have sex more than she would like.

 

I used to enjoy sex quite a lot but even I can see how irritating it would be

if every time my partner did something considerate I couldn't just enjoy that act but had to wonder/worry if he would then expect sex and storm off in a hissy fit if he didn't get it.

 

Since when is sex a "reward"? You should *want* to screw your husband or bf's brains out as often as possible until your body can't take it any more. Assuming you actually love the guy and find him attractive, why wouldn't you want that? If you don't, then stay single and celibate, or marry a eunuch.

 

If that just turns you off - well, don't be surprised if a guy has a problem with it. Men, as a rule, love sex and want it as much as possible. Nothing is forcing these women to be with guys if they don't want to f*ck them.

 

If you just want a "friend" but not sex - fine, just tell him "hey darling, I hate sex with you, so it's going to stop. Feel free to bang as many other women as you need to satisfy your libido, just be discrete please. Thanks." End of problem.

[RecordProducer]

Well...my wife has read my posts and the replies.

I don't know if this is good or bad. Showing your wife that you're "objectively" right and that it's a mitzvah for her to have sex with you doesn't resolve the problem. If she doesn't need sex, do you want her to sacrifice and do it for you? You won't be satisfied with that, because the concept of sex and erotic pleasure is to feel it mutually.

 

...

 

Things will not be resolved overnight, there is a great deal of emotional inertia we have to overcome.

It's actually very simple: your wife either desires you or she doesn't. If she is so disappointed in you that she can even feel sexual desire for you, then you're not right for each other. If she loves you, she will want to have sex with you. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, she: 1. either has low libido and wiill never really enjoy sex, or 2. she has medical problems (unlikely), or 3. she is not in love with you (most likely accompanied by #1)

Moreover, this is a stressful time for the both of us. We are selling our home and building a new one.

Bullsh*t! Whta's building a house have to do with having sex? I want sex when I am stressed and when I am not; when I happy and when I am not; when I am hungry and when I am full; when I busy and when I am idle... libido is a natural instinct that some people have in higher "amounts" than others.

 

I confronted her yesterday about the possibility that she is faking the joy of the oral sex...she vehemently denied faking it.

Don't ever accuse your wife of faking pleasure. You can ask her if she enjoyed the act, but accept her answer as truthful or draw your own conclusions. I have a normal libido and my ex used to be very insecure as to how much pleasure he gave me. The thing is, he had this thing with "good girl" (he would call wives who cheated whores), so I felt insecure around him and hid my orgasms from him.

 

I must be the only woman in the world who hid orgasms instead of faking them.

[cachaca]

** To those who were surprised I showed my wife this thread

There was a great deal of insight from the many posters. The advice was varied in intensity, and it was not all one-sided.

Moreover, because I took the time to write down my thoughts, there was value for her in reading them. They were organized and laid out rationally...a way that may seem foreign to our usual talks that occur when we are tired and unhappy (and hence emotionally charged).

 

I was hoping that it would open the door to a frank dialogue, enabling us to move forward in a more connected way.

 

Did it work? Not really...

 

** To those who think we should go to a Marriage Counselor

We have done it, and it helped a little. I thought we had made real progress...but then things started to go downhill again.

Perhaps it is time we go back...

 

** To those who suggested we separate

That would seem to harsh, particularly given the fact that we have 2 young boys. Our life is very good, and our relationship is "mostly" pleasant. I say mostly because I tend to sour up following a period of no sex. It is hard to stay cheery when we don't have sex. If we fought every day, I would understand...but we have sensational days, with great fun and play, only to close it without intimacy. It is a disconnect, no doubt. Separation is always an option, but one I will not likely explore seriously till the kids are older.

 

** To those who questioned my "problem" given my 4-7 times a month

It is not really an accurate count.

My wife likes to say that we have sex twice a week...but that has not happened in a great many months. Sort of comes and goes.

My wife charts daily her periods, her temperature and she just so happens to put a mark on the intercourse days. I actually created a spreadsheet with that data, and the result is in. We have averaged 2.7 times a month in the last 4 years.

 

********

AnthonyF: I admire your patience. I can be happy and joking for a few days...but there is a point that I just feel like a clown. Last night, we had had a pretty decent day, I have not bothered her for a few days, have even avoided sexual remarks/jokes. Night came and when she finally came to bed, she said the magic words again "...I am even horny, but I am too tired, I just want to sleep...". A few minutes of silence later, she said that we could do something. I refused. I told her that if she is this tired, she can just go to sleep. We can wait for a day when she is willing to put some energy into it. My horny side is still kicking my self-respecting rational side...but oh well.

 

To all, a good day.

 

Regards,

[AnthonyF]

** To those who were surprised I showed my wife this thread

There was a great deal of insight from the many posters. The advice was varied in intensity, and it was not all one-sided.

Moreover, because I took the time to write down my thoughts, there was value for her in reading them. They were organized and laid out rationally...a way that may seem foreign to our usual talks that occur when we are tired and unhappy (and hence emotionally charged).

 

I was hoping that it would open the door to a frank dialogue, enabling us to move forward in a more connected way.

 

Did it work? Not really...

 

** To those who think we should go to a Marriage Counselor

We have done it, and it helped a little. I thought we had made real progress...but then things started to go downhill again.

Perhaps it is time we go back...

 

** To those who suggested we separate

That would seem to harsh, particularly given the fact that we have 2 young boys. Our life is very good, and our relationship is "mostly" pleasant. I say mostly because I tend to sour up following a period of no sex. It is hard to stay cheery when we don't have sex. If we fought every day, I would understand...but we have sensational days, with great fun and play, only to close it without intimacy. It is a disconnect, no doubt. Separation is always an option, but one I will not likely explore seriously till the kids are older.

 

** To those who questioned my "problem" given my 4-7 times a month

It is not really an accurate count.

My wife likes to say that we have sex twice a week...but that has not happened in a great many months. Sort of comes and goes.

My wife charts daily her periods, her temperature and she just so happens to put a mark on the intercourse days. I actually created a spreadsheet with that data, and the result is in. We have averaged 2.7 times a month in the last 4 years.

 

********

AnthonyF: I admire your patience. I can be happy and joking for a few days...but there is a point that I just feel like a clown. Last night, we had had a pretty decent day, I have not bothered her for a few days, have even avoided sexual remarks/jokes. Night came and when she finally came to bed, she said the magic words again "...I am even horny, but I am too tired, I just want to sleep...". A few minutes of silence later, she said that we could do something. I refused. I told her that if she is this tired, she can just go to sleep. We can wait for a day when she is willing to put some energy into it. My horny side is still kicking my self-respecting rational side...but oh well.

 

To all, a good day.

 

Regards,

 

Well written and I share your exasperation and as always do not understand women at all.....

 

We also saw a counselor. Was not marriage, more about sex and issues. Simply for some people it does not work and here it did not. I am not surprised that my libido is my problem and her's is not a problem (an all too common refrain). The fact she was told/suggested to just have sex more, because it was important to me (and then ultimately our marriage) was not what she wanted to hear or do. Again I love my wife, there are no problems outside this and the usual little things, does not mean I need to hear she is selfish, we should separate from people on this site.....

 

I like and applaud that you showed her this site, and understand that her seeing it written and not a cause for an argument that would arise if you tried to talk it through.

 

I would suggest you show the Dan Savage post I put up, which I thought was well thought out.

 

Again, not to be sly or surreptitious I always think if you can watch shows (comedies, movies, dramas) where sex is discussed you have a starting point for a non confrontational talk. Cachaca, when I say don't talk about it, I mean don't talk about your situation per se and certainly take a week off saying anything. This however does not mean not sleep close to her or joking as I do when she puts her leg over me in bed that "I was hoping for some leg tonight" and not expecting anything more...

 

It is not easy and frankly while I think and want sex probably a lot, reading this site, I am probably well below average on a "horniness" scale .

 

Also as mentioned before, I continually look around me and see very few people I think are having sex (or a lot of it). I see the stunning neighbour, separated with young kids, the 50 year divorcee, the couples who appear more like friends then lovers, the mismatched couple, where one has let themselves go (yes I'm vain and very much guided by physical attractiveness), the singles I know and am in contact with, the 40 somethings who look 50 something, the one's out 2-3 X's a week with friends instead of home in bed with their spouses.....

 

Yes I like to rationalize everything.....

 

As I keep saying good luck and keep us/me posted.....

[Cliche]

If you just want a "friend" but not sex - fine, just tell him "hey darling, I hate sex with you, so it's going to stop. Feel free to bang as many other women as you need to satisfy your libido, just be discrete please. Thanks." End of problem.

That's not really the end of the problem. My current partner--former MM--was in this situation. Problem was, he fell in love with the woman who was satisfying his libido and that led to his divorce.

 

Sexless couples need to do whatever it takes to bring that spark back. Otherwise, they are putting their relationships at risk. It is selfish to demand sex, but it is also selfish to expect a spouse to live without it. It's an issue that must be resolved, not avoided, imo. Kids, home, work...they're just not good enough excuses to avoid intimacy.