without cruelty, thanks

[crimsonrose]

Alright, I've been engaged for a year now. My fiance is 22, I'm 17. I know that seems strange, but theres a reason for engagement at a young age.

 

Basically, I handle about every responsibility an adult does besides paying bills- and i'd do that too if I lived by myself.

 

I help homeschool my younger brother, because as of late my mother starts teaching him late in the afternoon, after he's no longer really capable of learning (minds are freshest int he morning). I cook half the time and do half the cleaning around the house. My brother even refers to me as his second, more responsible mother.

 

And my fiance is European, so girls marrying in their teens is hardly uncommon, because lets face it, people in other countries tend to mature faster than us Americans.

 

Anyways, that being said, after I got home from visiting my fiance (who lives in australia) for 2 months, my mother was, well, not herself. Glaring at me without realizing it and telling me she was dreading me coming home cuz she knew i'd be depressed cuz I'd miss my fiance, and she hates how the house gets all sad when I'm sad. But not in an understanding way- in a more resentful tone.

 

We all planned on me moving to my fiance (as in, to australia) when I turn 18 this july. But because I felt unwelcome in my own home, and given that my fiance and I pay for my tickets without their help, and handle all the visa crap on our own, again without my parents help, we decided to book my final tickets to move to him in June instead of July. I wanted to spend my 18th birthday with him, seeings as he had something planned and my parents did not- they never make a big deal out of birthdays, not since I was 8, at least.

 

I felt badly afterwards. My mother's demeanor slowly changed (as in she was no long er treating me like crap, and was being sweet again) and I felt guilty for booking the tickets 3 weeks earlier without consulting her. I told her a few days ago, and she flipped out. She now says she wishes my fiance and I had never met, that she disapproves of him, that I shouldnt move because God says so (shes religious) and so on.

 

Now, I'm at a loss. It's either I change the tickets to July, at the cost of 400 bucks and stay another 3 weeks with my upset and currently unreasonable mother, or I go ahead and go, as planned, in June. I am unsure if I am a horrid brat, or if anyone would have reacted the same way...

[redfathom]

I think your mother is just upset because she will have a lot more stresses when you leave the house. But when you are 18 you can do what you want, you're an adult. But I wouldn't burn all of your bridges. Sorry I can't offer more advice. I don't think you're a brat. I don't think your mother should be guilting you into staying, that's not fair to you.

[D-Lish]

Has your mother met your fiance?

Is it possible she is upset because you are only 17 years old and planning on moving away to another continent to get married?

 

You're going to move away to another continent to get married at a very young age... If you want an opinion, I'd be really upset if I was your mother. I'd be so worried about you, I'd miss you, and I'd think you were making a mistake.

 

Have your parents met his parents, do you have a plan about finishing school or working....?

 

I'm not judging. I'm twice your age (no kids)... but I can remember being your age and thinking I had all my **** figured out. I didn't.

 

You're making some pretty big life altering decisions- I am sure your mother feels helpless and frustrated. She probably doesn't want to lose you.

 

A part of being mature is understanding how you affect other people in your life. Maybe that entails some understanding on your part that your mother is worried about you. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment- would you be okay with your 17 year old daughter moving to another continent to get married?

[redfathom]

I can see D-lish's point, and can agree with some of it. But being 18 when I got married to my H, engaged at 17, I do know that sometimes these relationships do work out. Or course, it will be harder for you two then someone older.

 

It also seems from the OPS post that she does spend a lot of time worrying about other people and what descisions have what effect, like helping to homeschool her brother.

[crimsonrose]

Has your mother met your fiance?

Is it possible she is upset because you are only 17 years old and planning on moving away to another continent to get married?

 

You're going to move away to another continent to get married at a very young age... If you want an opinion, I'd be really upset if I was your mother. I'd be so worried about you, I'd miss you, and I'd think you were making a mistake.

 

Have your parents met his parents, do you have a plan about finishing school or working....?

 

I'm not judging. I'm twice your age (no kids)... but I can remember being your age and thinking I had all my **** figured out. I didn't.

 

You're making some pretty big life altering decisions- I am sure your mother feels helpless and frustrated. She probably doesn't want to lose you.

 

A part of being mature is understanding how you affect other people in your life. Maybe that entails some understanding on your part that your mother is worried about you. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment- would you be okay with your 17 year old daughter moving to another continent to get married?

 

Yes, she's met him. he spent 2000 bucks just to fly down here to meet my parents the moment she asked for it. And she's even said she wants me to get married young, because she knows I'm mature enough to handle it. Although my moving away has always hurt, that's no longer the issue. She went from completely approving of him, to hating him because I'm going three weeks early. It's very confusing.

 

When I said we couldn't cancel the tickets, because if we did, we wouldnt get our money back (which is true. its either that or change the ticket date for 400 bucks) she said well too bad, his family can afford it. My fiance always told me not to tell her how well off his family (who have helped us with plane ticket costs) is because she'd use it against us. And to me, at least, it seems that she is...

[crimsonrose]

Furthermore, I do understand her pain very much- about my moving away that is. But it's harder to be understanding when she behaves this way. When I asked her why she doesn;t want me to leave, she said she just doesn't like my fiance anymore (whereas she loved him before) because we're getting married by the JOP for visa reasons. We plan to have a big wedding later, which is already being planned, but because we are getting married by the court first, she now disapproves of my moving at all.

 

In my short amount of time on this earth, I haven't seen normal mothers behave this way... It's jsut very confusing. Now, because of her recent attitude, I'm afraid to change my plane ticket so that I can stay until I am 18, because I don't want to endure any more of staying in my room all day because when I go downstairs, she ignores me and seems annoyed by my presence over my decision to leave 3 weeks earlier.

[crimsonrose]

I can see D-lish's point, and can agree with some of it. But being 18 when I got married to my H, engaged at 17, I do know that sometimes these relationships do work out. Or course, it will be harder for you two then someone older.

 

It also seems from the OPS post that she does spend a lot of time worrying about other people and what descisions have what effect, like helping to homeschool her brother.

 

aw, thank you

 

I don't mean I'm wonderful or anything btw, it's just that I take up the slack when my mother forgets to do things or doesnt do things thoroughly enough, and I can handle, or have been forced to handle through a series of events, just about every adult responsibility there is.

 

I think that as long as you've proven yourself mature enough to handle getting married young, go for it. Its better than boyfriend hopping and sleeping around and given away half your heart, and then settling down at a later date.

[D-Lish]

I think she's just sad you're leaving, period. She's going to miss you, she loves you- yet she knows your mind is made up and she can't change it.

 

The situation is out of her control and I am sure she feels helpless, hence the anger.

 

Sounds like she is going to miss you. That might very well explain her behaviour.

[crimsonrose]

I think she's just sad you're leaving, period. She's going to miss you, she loves you- yet she knows your mind is made up and she can't change it.

 

The situation is out of her control and I am sure she feels helpless, hence the anger.

 

Sounds like she is going to miss you. That might very well explain her behaviour.

 

Indeed. It's just strange that she'd say she jsut doesn't want em leaving cuz she doesnt approve of the JOP marriage, not cuz she'll miss me. Very strange. But I do agree with you

 

Which brings me to my dilemma... spend 400 dollars of my fiances hard earned cash to change my plane ticket and spend 3 more weeks with her and my step father, who will most likely both be giving me a hard time. And I am unsure how to explain to them why I booked it earlier than they wanted... last time I tried she called me manipulative (though I truly feel I was not being manipulative)

[redfathom]

I will be married 9 years in a few months. I don't want to pretend that it's been easy. I mean when 50% of marriages end in divorce no one should expect marriage to be a picnic, and the younger you get married the harder it is.

 

Just know that while you think you have things figured out now, what you want and need will change through the years, like it does for all people and you have to work as a team to help each other grow.

 

Best of luck.

[crimsonrose]

I will be married 9 years in a few months. I don't want to pretend that it's been easy. I mean when 50% of marriages end in divorce no one should expect marriage to be a picnic, and the younger you get married the harder it is.

 

Just know that while you think you have things figured out now, what you want and need will change through the years, like it does for all people and you have to work as a team to help each other grow.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you, I take your advice seriously

 

I know it's not a picnic. I have to adjust to living in Australia PLUS adjust to his European lifestyle. Its been hard already just during my visits. But he's worth it. We've both changed alot for each other.

 

I've got a long way to go. I believe that i am mature, but I also know I've got a helluva lot to learn. Just when I think I'm handling our relationship right, I look at things like The Love Dare (it's this christian relationship guide, basically, lol) and I'm reminded of how much better I could be handling everything.

 

He's been pressured to marry a girl thats a part of his culture. I've been pressure to find someone from my religion. We've still made it through alot of crap and I want to go through more crap with him Helps us grow.

[D-Lish]

Indeed. It's just strange that she'd say she jsut doesn't want em leaving cuz she doesnt approve of the JOP marriage, not cuz she'll miss me. Very strange. But I do agree with you

 

Which brings me to my dilemma... spend 400 dollars of my fiances hard earned cash to change my plane ticket and spend 3 more weeks with her and my step father, who will most likely both be giving me a hard time. And I am unsure how to explain to them why I booked it earlier than they wanted... last time I tried she called me manipulative (though I truly feel I was not being manipulative)

 

I think you just go with your original plan and leave early.

 

Sometimes people have problems expressing their true feelings, and when people don't know how to react- they go with anger. It's easier.

[crimsonrose]

I think you just go with your original plan and leave early.

 

Sometimes people have problems expressing their true feelings, and when people don't know how to react- they go with anger. It's easier.

 

I'm thinking so too. Even if my staying longer did calm her, it would be superficial considering her recent anger.

 

You've helped alot btw Thank you

[Eve]

I hope Mom gets over herself in time and can tell you woman to woman that she is proud of you. I feel proud of you and I dont even know you!

 

I wish you well in the new life you have ahead of you. Well done you for finding happiness! Enjoy each other.

 

Congrats!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[crimsonrose]

I hope Mom gets over herself in time and can tell you woman to woman that she is proud of you. I feel proud of you and I dont even know you!

 

I wish you well in the new life you have ahead of you. Well done you for finding happiness! Enjoy each other.

 

Congrats!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Of all the sweet things to say... Thank you so much

[crimsonrose]

Mmm, random update. My step father is now saying that he won't let me go, and that he'll call the airline and prevent me from boarding if I try. He also called the JOP wedding that my fiance and I HAVE to do for various reasons, a mockery to the real wedding we'll be having later. He said he won't attend the real wedding if we do a JOP. So... I suppose I'll have to wait until July when I turn 18. O well. No need for unecessary drama.

 

Thank you so much for ya'lls advice though.

[Athena]

just a suggestion: perhaps your stepdad can show good faith by backing up his statements with $400 for the cost of changing your airticket?

Or at least pay half/half with your b/f?

It doesn't matter that your b/f's family is 'well off' if he is the one to pay for your parents pouting and wanting things their way -- then they should help pay, right?

 

BTW can't you get a job between now and July to help pay?

 

Another suggestion: Phone up the airlines and tell them you don't want to pay the cost of changing the ticket, but you have to go three weeks later when you turn 18 for legal reasons for getting married ... if you speak to the supervisor and 'convince them' ie don't give up too easily, they might make an exception... its worth a try.

[crimsonrose]

just a suggestion: perhaps your stepdad can show good faith by backing up his statements with $400 for the cost of changing your airticket?

Or at least pay half/half with your b/f?

It doesn't matter that your b/f's family is 'well off' if he is the one to pay for your parents pouting and wanting things their way -- then they should help pay, right?

 

BTW can't you get a job between now and July to help pay?

 

Another suggestion: Phone up the airlines and tell them you don't want to pay the cost of changing the ticket, but you have to go three weeks later when you turn 18 for legal reasons for getting married ... if you speak to the supervisor and 'convince them' ie don't give up too easily, they might make an exception... its worth a try.

 

Fascinating, that's what my fiance was just asking me to ask them to do. I agree with you wholeheartedly. If they really waned me here that badly, they'd pay for it

 

I told my stepfather I couldn't make my fiance pay 400 bucks to change the ticket, and he said "if you felt you wre adult enough to make this decision, then you're adult enough to change this for me". I don't know.

 

Perhaps I will call the airline though. I'm sure I can get them to agree to something. good idea.

[crimsonrose]

O, and here's the real kicker. My parents haven't been able to afford to put me on their insurance. So not only will my mother not drive me where I need to be (i.e. a job) but now it's too late for me to even get my driver's lisence. Very stressful. And very strange. Otherwise I'd get a job in a heartbeat

[Athena]

O, and here's the real kicker. My parents haven't been able to afford to put me on their insurance. So not only will my mother not drive me where I need to be (i.e. a job) but now it's too late for me to even get my driver's lisence. Very stressful. And very strange. Otherwise I'd get a job in a heartbeat

Any chance of Babysitting for your neighbors? That can pay $15 an hour for 2 or 3 kids.

[crimsonrose]

Any chance of Babysitting for your neighbors? That can pay $15 an hour for 2 or 3 kids.

 

I do that from time to time but only when they request it. In El paso there aren't many things to do, thus people stay in more. lol

[crimsonrose]

just a suggestion: perhaps your stepdad can show good faith by backing up his statements with $400 for the cost of changing your airticket?

Or at least pay half/half with your b/f?

It doesn't matter that your b/f's family is 'well off' if he is the one to pay for your parents pouting and wanting things their way -- then they should help pay, right?

 

BTW can't you get a job between now and July to help pay?

 

Another suggestion: Phone up the airlines and tell them you don't want to pay the cost of changing the ticket, but you have to go three weeks later when you turn 18 for legal reasons for getting married ... if you speak to the supervisor and 'convince them' ie don't give up too easily, they might make an exception... its worth a try.

 

I called the airline because I thought this suggestion was fabulous. The lady said there was no point in speaking to a supervisor because they don't have the authority to do that, but she almost laughed when I said my parents were trying to cancel the ticket. She said only the person that booked the ticket had the authority to do such a thing, and 17 years old or not, I had the right, even legally, to go as long as it was paid for. She even locked down all of my information so the only way someone can look up my info is through my booking #, which she gave to me, and not through my name or the date or anything.

 

I am contemplating going now, in order to say my fiance the trouble of wasting 400 bucks, but we both fear my parents could somehow find a way to compromise my visa. Theyre very bitter when upset.... Any advice on how to speak to them is appreciated.

[SoulSearch_CO]

She sounds a little bit mentally unstable. Seriously. She's VERY reactive and it seems it takes her awhile to come to her senses and calm down. I'd keep the date in June and hopefully by then she will have chilled out.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Alright, I've been engaged for a year now. My fiance is 22, I'm 17. I know that seems strange, but theres a reason for engagement at a young age.

 

Basically, I handle about every responsibility an adult does besides paying bills- and i'd do that too if I lived by myself.

 

I help homeschool my younger brother, because as of late my mother starts teaching him late in the afternoon, after he's no longer really capable of learning (minds are freshest int he morning). I cook half the time and do half the cleaning around the house. My brother even refers to me as his second, more responsible mother.

 

And my fiance is European, so girls marrying in their teens is hardly uncommon, because lets face it, people in other countries tend to mature faster than us Americans.

 

Anyways, that being said, after I got home from visiting my fiance (who lives in australia) for 2 months, my mother was, well, not herself. Glaring at me without realizing it and telling me she was dreading me coming home cuz she knew i'd be depressed cuz I'd miss my fiance, and she hates how the house gets all sad when I'm sad. But not in an understanding way- in a more resentful tone.

 

We all planned on me moving to my fiance (as in, to australia) when I turn 18 this july. But because I felt unwelcome in my own home, and given that my fiance and I pay for my tickets without their help, and handle all the visa crap on our own, again without my parents help, we decided to book my final tickets to move to him in June instead of July. I wanted to spend my 18th birthday with him, seeings as he had something planned and my parents did not- they never make a big deal out of birthdays, not since I was 8, at least.

 

I felt badly afterwards. My mother's demeanor slowly changed (as in she was no long er treating me like crap, and was being sweet again) and I felt guilty for booking the tickets 3 weeks earlier without consulting her. I told her a few days ago, and she flipped out. She now says she wishes my fiance and I had never met, that she disapproves of him, that I shouldnt move because God says so (shes religious) and so on.

 

Now, I'm at a loss. It's either I change the tickets to July, at the cost of 400 bucks and stay another 3 weeks with my upset and currently unreasonable mother, or I go ahead and go, as planned, in June. I am unsure if I am a horrid brat, or if anyone would have reacted the same way...

Do you mean Australia or Austria? cause marriage that young isn't common in Aussie I don't think? also is Aussie considered Europe? I don't mean to go off topic but I don't know how to respond with out knowing 100% was it a typo? sorry...

[Athena]

I am contemplating going now, in order to say my fiance the trouble of wasting 400 bucks, but we both fear my parents could somehow find a way to compromise my visa. Theyre very bitter when upset.... Any advice on how to speak to them is appreciated.

Don't outright fight them -- just say you would be willing to stay for those three weeks if they could please take care of all the costs associated with changing the airticket.

 

If they outright refuse, tell them calmly just once, that your hands are tied financially. Then never mention it again until you leave! If you escalate the argument by 'engaging' with them, they will surely try every trick in the book to 'fight' you and put you down. If you simply don't engage in any discussion or argument, there is nothing to fight about. Be normal and pleasant in every other way.

 

Once they say NO WAY to paying for the privilege of having you stay, then calmly refuse to talk about it. Be polite but walk away. The wont know for sure what your plans are, so how long will they/can they fight you if you don't fight back?