dealing with my girlfriends sexual past(found out after falling in love)

[some1guy]

This is a very complicate situation(as I know most are) but I would appreciate some help because I cannot go on like this

 

me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over a year and aside from this issue things are amazing she treats me great and is a beautiful person inside and out.

 

like many others my girlfriends sexual past has become an issue, I've spent time looking for help a lot of which on this site and although knowing others have this problem is nice it does not change my issues

 

this is going to be detailed so here is the problem

 

my girlfriend was in a 4 year long relationship, from how she has described it she was treated terribly but stayed with him for reasons she "just does not know" this relationship spanned her 4 years of high school and has been her only other relationship. In order to "work up the courage to leave him" she decided that cheating on him with her brothers best friend was a good idea, she did so and although at first told me she only did once I found out she cheated for an extended period of time and wasn't planning on telling him at all but her friend let it slip to him. this cheating got as bad as having sex with both of them in the same day. she originally told me she cheated on him so he'd break up with her so that was obviously a lie. they broke up a week before prom, and still went to prom together, they had sex that night again she doesn't know why and then wondered why he thought he had a chance of getting back together with her.

 

after this relationship she continued to rack up sexual partners, all of which treated her terribly some one night stands, some repeated screwing none of which worked out well for her, which until 6 months later totaled 19 making me lucky number twenty.

 

i have been with 4 people including her, i have had ample opportunity to make that number larger both previous to her as well as during our relationship but I consider sex to be a special thing that should not be thrown around frivolously and should be thought about before giving that gift to a person, I myself have had 3 in relationship sexual partners and one friend who was a close friend we just decided not to date

 

obviously you can see why I have an issue with her past I feel like every partner should be someone special and she did not agree with me

 

I understand that I am the one being immature and that this is something I have to get past as I love this girl, I've thought I was in love before but those were obviously nothing to me compared to this relationship.

 

the thing is is we were together for a few months and my love for her formed before I found out about her past, which sadly was from a scheming friend of hers who wanted us to break up so she could be with me, needless to say we don't speak with her anymore. Obviously when I heard these things I asked her if they were true and she said "I don't know what she said so I'll tell you about my past and you tell me about yours" I went first and that was not a good idea.

 

she told me about everyone she had sex with and told me details about the circumstances leading up to all of them as did I with my past partners. I had a few problems with her stories as a few of them went as follows

 

one guy she had sex with because he was buying her drinks she told me she was kicking them back and trying to ignore the guy kissing all over her because she did not want to hook up with him, he continued to take her to his car and started having rough sex with her, she has asked me to hit her during sex but she said the key difference was that he was hitting her so hard it hurt, broke her necklace etc. but she never told him to stop, simply said "who do you think you are?!" in a loud voice which obviously just brought on more violence I don't blame the guy as she didn't say to stop at all and she told me she didn't want to have sex with him in the first place she just "felt like she owed him it because he bought her drinks" the next day someone at a store asked her "did a guy do that to you?" because her bruises and swollen eye were so bad

 

another time she was flirting with a guy all night but could not get access to her dorm room as that was her campus policy so she said she didn't want to have sex, he said she was a tease and lets just say she proved him wrong, they had sex in a ditch outside on a college campus at 1 am, anyone who has been to college knows that it is very populated outside at 1 am many people could see them but she didn't want to be a tease.

 

yet another story and this one hurts the most comes in two parts, as she told me and then retold me the story months later it will become clear to you as you read. the first time she said that she was with him on a trampoline outside of someones house at a party, she said they made out and she told him that she did not want to have sex saying not to put his penis in her, she said he did anyway and so she said to herself, and I quote "well it's already in me I might as well let him finish" I told her I consider that rape and was very tore up about this

the next time she told me the story the truth came out, the same story happened but she said well lets not do it here, they went inside to a bathroom and had sex, she said during the walk to the bathroom she still didn't want to have sex with him, yet she still did, and then she told me a week later a similar situation happened. Obviously when I found this out it was a huge problem I do not like being lied to especially when the lie hurt me so bad I couldn't believe she didn't tell me the truth and let me hurt for so long.

it came out in that same fight that she had lied to me about using condoms during her encounters and had sex with three people without condoms in between her last std test and the first time we hooked up.

 

and finally we have her special friend, she had a continued sexual relationship with this guy and it continued up to about a month before we met, she lied to me and told me it had been months before she met me and that again really hurt. We are in a long distance relationship, but we met in person and see each other at least once a month, a big part of the first time we saw each other was her telling me how it was amazing that she traveled to "come get me" it made me feel very special but I then found out the last time she had sex with this guy she drove 2 and a half hours each way to meet him at a party and have sex, they never ever went on a date, they would just party and have sex

 

I know this is a long read thank you for taking the time to help me I really do appreciate it

 

as I said I did not know of these things until after I fell in love with her, and the lying about her past has really hurt me, she is also flirty with other guys going as far as saying I love you to them in messages, but I can get over that I expressed my problems with it and she has stopped as far as I know.

 

the problem is is her past haunts me, she has gone to parties with people she has previously hooked up with and has gone as far as begging me to stay on the phone with her. then one of these guys showed up(with the intention of having sex with her) and she said "oh andrews here bye" and hung up before we even said I love you she swears she did not cheat and consciously I beleive her but subconsciously there are doubts.

 

my problem is that I don't feel as though she has any respect for herself, and that I feel as though the sex we have(although very satisfying sexually) leaves me emotionally unfulfilled some of the time because I don't feel special at all.

 

when we first met we had sex the night we met, I thought this was special but obviously it was common practice for her.

 

This issue comes in waves, I an go weeks without thinking of it and then BOOM it will overcome my mind and its all I can think of, if I try to deal with it on my own it is excruciating and if I say anything to her it makes her feel terrible which I do not like to do.

 

another issue is that once she told me about how she "loved" when I did a certain sexual at to her we had never performed, this obviously hurt as it meens she thinks of her times with other men and has had so much sex she mixes up what experiences shes had with me with those involving other men

 

this is a huge problem as it is not going away, and has only gotten worse when I'v found out about lies she's told me, it has caused huge amount of trust issues on my side and has lead me to resent her when I think of these things, and yes I resent her and love her at the same time if you don't understand that you've never been in a relationship.

 

again I know this is due to my immaturity, and I know I need to "get over it" but I do not know how, I understand that sex is fun, I understand that people weigh it differently morally but I find it hard to deal with the fact that she had sex with 19 people in about 6 months

 

this hurts and it is not worth the pain it is causing both of us but it simply will not get out of my head I love her more than life and I was wondering if anyone had any advice to help me move past this I hate when sex is not emotionally involved and this makes me feel terribly unloved sometimes during and after sex

 

she has told me that she is sorry about it and that if she could change it she would, so her lack of apology is NOT the issue.

 

thank you for reading this I know it was long but you made it! any help you can offer would be amazing, and any thought you have about this would also be very helpful thank you

[Bryanp]

I feel sorry for you. It is clear that in the past your girlfriend had no boundaries and did not care if she had unprotected sex. What I find and what you should have trouble with is her constant lying to you. What is pretty sad is the phone example you gave about hanging up on you to be with one of her past lovers. It would be difficult to believe that she did nothave sex with him. From what you have written it would be impossible to believe that she would not cheat on you because she continuously has lied to you and sex to her seems to be the equivalent of going to the bathroom in that it is no big deal. I would think about finding somebody else who does not have such massive baggage. I do not know how you could ever feel special or proud that you have her as a girlfriend who lies to you until she is caught. You can do better. I wish you luck.

[missdependant]

Everyone you date is going to have a sexual history. So don't even ask or think about what her's is. It doesn't matter. If she's been with you for a year, and you treat her well there shouldn't be any worries.

 

It is her PAST.

 

Get over it. If that is too hard to do, go to counseling. Because everyone you date will have a past, and you're just going to resent them. And you will never be in a healthy relationship, because you'll be so focused on things that don't even INVOLVE YOU.. so you will probably end up sad and alone your whole life.

 

If you're not interested in counseling, break it off so she can move on and find someone who isn't going to judge the way she WAS, and who will focus on who she IS.

[GorillaTheater]

the problem is is her past haunts me, she has gone to parties with people she has previously hooked up with and has gone as far as begging me to stay on the phone with her. then one of these guys showed up(with the intention of having sex with her) and she said "oh andrews here bye" and hung up before we even said I love you she swears she did not cheat and consciously I beleive her but subconsciously there are doubts.

 

THIS would be the deal-breaker for me. Yes, her sexual history is history, but it's also a fairly reliable guage of the future. Like BryanP said, anyone with such a casual attitude towards sex will likely cheat (after all, having sex with another guy is no big deal, right?). She cheated extensively and recently on another boyfriend. It's reasonable to assume she'll do it again (and probably already has).

[mr.dream merchant]

Damn duke. I feel bad for the OP. Not only did he bag a ho, but he bagged an unfaithful ho. Get rid of her first of all, get yourself checked for any STDs/Viruses. Go out to the club, get a chick just like your girl for the night, but this time, don't fall in love with her. Read my signature. 19 partners in 6 months? Nah son, she's a ho.

[samspade]

Get over it. If that is too hard to do, go to counseling.

 

He doesn't need counseling. Don't shame him because he has misgivings over her low quality.

 

While I agree that the past should not be discussed, the fact is that he now knows hers, and her sexual past is laden with promiscuity, irresponsibility, dishonesty, and infidelity.

 

If you're not interested in counseling, break it off so she can move on and find someone who isn't going to judge the way she WAS, and who will focus on who she IS.

 

If she doesn't want people judging her for her past, she shouldn't be bringing it up, and she should eschew discussing even if someone else brings it up. The way she "is" is a product of the way she was. And I repeat, he doesn't need counseling; don't fix the blame on him because he has standards.

 

To the OP: Don't let posters here shame you into feeling like it's your fault this woman can't keep her legs crossed. Dump this slut. And for future reference, don't discuss sexual history with someone you're dating - you will not like what you hear and outside of staying safe, it doesn't concern you. Besides, most females won't tell you more than 20% of the truth anyway, so you might as well not even ask. Focus on the present, that's the only thing you can control.

[mr.dream merchant]

Only hos get mad at guys for having standards. Don't get mad at us because we don't want to love the neighborhoods plaything. Keep your legs closed and you won't be judged, in other words if you're a ho stay a ho.

[lostsunsets]

She wants you to slap her during sex. She hung up on you when a guy who came over to her place to have sex. She is a LDR. She has had no boundaries in the past. And will have sex with anyone. Whether she likes them or not. She lies to you and has lied to you. And your question is what?

 

Dump her. She will continue this behavior. She is broken. Get out now.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I understand that I am the one being immature and that this is something I have to get past as I love this girl, I've thought I was in love before but those were obviously nothing to me compared to this relationship.

 

OMG... this girl is a total whore. I feel like I might have caught something from reading that post. For F***'s sake what are you doing dating her?

 

Issue # 1. She places zero value on sex. ZERO... yes you might get laid alot while dating her... but it's meaningless to her.

 

Issue # 2 She has no self respect. Sluts always hate themselves... so unless you want a lifetime of stupid drama, and mountains of emotional baggage... this isnt' the girl for you.

 

Issue # 3 She is a total lair and a cheat. Being that slutty... dude she will cheat on you. If you think your something special to her... your an idiot and deserve what you get.

 

Bottom line: Hit it and Quit it. Leave while you still can. Also... pray your wiener doesn't turn purple and fall off!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Everyone you date is going to have a sexual history. So don't even ask or think about what her's is. It doesn't matter. If she's been with you for a year, and you treat her well there shouldn't be any worries.

It is her PAST.

Get over it. If that is too hard to do, go to counseling. Because everyone you date will have a past, and you're just going to resent them. And you will never be in a healthy relationship, because you'll be so focused on things that don't even INVOLVE YOU.. so you will probably end up sad and alone your whole life.

If you're not interested in counseling, break it off so she can move on and find someone who isn't going to judge the way she WAS, and who will focus on who she IS.

 

That is a total load of crap.

 

Her past is part of her future.

[EmperorR]

Stick with her and I won't be so shocked that she will cheat on you soon, my ex was kind of like this before me screwing her friend because she was moving to another country and he was such a good friend and it was just sex accordig to her . 3 years lTer I get cheated on, with some it didn't mean anything I didn't love him it was just sex

[heygirl]

That is a total load of crap.

 

Her past is part of her future.

 

just because its part of her past does not mean its part of her future.

 

People make mistakes, and you need to realize that just because some one may have screwed up in the past, it doesn't mean they'll make those mistakes again.

 

Do you have a past? yes. and she probably accepts you and loves you regardless. you have zero proof that she ever cheated on you, and all of these people that are telling you how "you can't turn a ho into a housewife" are ridiculous. the way someone acted when they were young and foolish doesn't predict the way they will act when they've grown up and fallen in love.

the people on this post are being unrealistic. from what theyre saying, no girl who has ever experimented sexually will ever be loved by anyone, and theyre nothing more than trash. you need to think long and hard before you go and do something foolish. if this girl didnt care about you she wouldnt be in a long distance relationship with you, or travel and spend money to spend time with you. she could just as easily go screw anyone without the fear of being caught or having any emotional baggage.

like i said, you should probably think about what your doing, and whether or not you should be judging her as harshly as you are. people make mistakes, and sometimes it takes that one amazing person to show them the light.

[samspade]

from what theyre saying, no girl who has ever experimented sexually will ever be loved by anyone, and theyre nothing more than trash.

 

Cheating, lying, and having unprotected sex does not qualify, in my book, as sexual experimentation.

 

I'm not a prude and I accept that all women have sexual histories. If a woman told me she traded sex for a few cocktails (prostitution), had sex in a ditch just to prove to a guy she wasn't a tease, and admitted to repeated unprotected sex, I'd consider that more than a simple mistake or two. It's a pattern of reckless, stupid behavior.

 

True, she may be capable of a complete 180, but I would not advise this guy to believe that he can be the one to turn her around. The odds are stacked against him, and he owes it to himself to find a quality woman whose values are consistent with his own and who actually RESPECTS him. This ho does not respect him, as evidenced here:

 

another issue is that once she told me about how she "loved" when I did a certain sexual at to her we had never performed, this obviously hurt as it meens she thinks of her times with other men and has had so much sex she mixes up what experiences shes had with me with those involving other men

 

And this is a LONG DISTANCE relationship?? Man, cut the cord. She did you a great service telling you this; now you don't have to find out by catching her in the act.

[mr.dream merchant]

just because its part of her past does not mean its part of her future.

 

People make mistakes, and you need to realize that just because some one may have screwed up in the past, it doesn't mean they'll make those mistakes again.

 

Do you have a past? yes. and she probably accepts you and loves you regardless. you have zero proof that she ever cheated on you, and all of these people that are telling you how "you can't turn a ho into a housewife" are ridiculous. the way someone acted when they were young and foolish doesn't predict the way they will act when they've grown up and fallen in love.

the people on this post are being unrealistic. from what theyre saying, no girl who has ever experimented sexually will ever be loved by anyone, and theyre nothing more than trash. you need to think long and hard before you go and do something foolish. if this girl didnt care about you she wouldnt be in a long distance relationship with you, or travel and spend money to spend time with you. she could just as easily go screw anyone without the fear of being caught or having any emotional baggage.

like i said, you should probably think about what your doing, and whether or not you should be judging her as harshly as you are. people make mistakes, and sometimes it takes that one amazing person to show them the light.

 

Load of BS. The OP's GF is a classic smut. Dump her and find a girl who respects her body.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If your gut is screaming that you cant trust the girl then you might be right.

[Untouchable_Fire]

just because its part of her past does not mean its part of her future.

People make mistakes, and you need to realize that just because some one may have screwed up in the past, it doesn't mean they'll make those mistakes again.

Do you have a past? yes. and she probably accepts you and loves you regardless. you have zero proof that she ever cheated on you, and all of these people that are telling you how "you can't turn a ho into a housewife" are ridiculous. the way someone acted when they were young and foolish doesn't predict the way they will act when they've grown up and fallen in love.

the people on this post are being unrealistic. from what theyre saying, no girl who has ever experimented sexually will ever be loved by anyone, and theyre nothing more than trash. you need to think long and hard before you go and do something foolish. if this girl didnt care about you she wouldnt be in a long distance relationship with you, or travel and spend money to spend time with you. she could just as easily go screw anyone without the fear of being caught or having any emotional baggage.

like i said, you should probably think about what your doing, and whether or not you should be judging her as harshly as you are. people make mistakes, and sometimes it takes that one amazing person to show them the light.

 

Ummm.... AIDS doesn't just go away because you start dating someone new. Neither does the emotional baggage, or the self esteem issues. So... yes her past IS her future. Don't lie to people and say it is otherwise.

 

Where do you get off thinking that there are no consequences for your actions?

 

This girl didn't even have the guts to be upfront about her crap. He had to hear about it second hand! Thats grounds for dumping right there.

 

Sorry to rain some truth onto your "I can live however I want, nobody has a right to judge me" bubble.... but sluts are less valuable than women who are normal.

[mr.dream merchant]

That "don't judge me" bull**** is for sluts like "I plead the fifth" is for blatant criminals.

[moman]

OMG... this girl is a total whore. I feel like I might have caught something from reading that post. For F***'s sake what are you doing dating her?

 

Issue # 1. She places zero value on sex. ZERO... yes you might get laid alot while dating her... but it's meaningless to her.

 

Issue # 2 She has no self respect. Sluts always hate themselves... so unless you want a lifetime of stupid drama, and mountains of emotional baggage... this isnt' the girl for you.

 

Issue # 3 She is a total lair and a cheat. Being that slutty... dude she will cheat on you. If you think your something special to her... your an idiot and deserve what you get.

 

Bottom line: Hit it and Quit it. Leave while you still can. Also... pray your wiener doesn't turn purple and fall off!

 

Agree 100%. I would drop this bitch very quick.

 

To those who say "mistakes are mistakes" I don't want to date girls who keep making mistakes, and sounds like this girl repeats them time after time.

 

She's bad news, and will always be bad news. Let her free to be someone else's one night stand.

[lkjh]

just because its part of her past does not mean its part of her future.

 

People make mistakes, and you need to realize that just because some one may have screwed up in the past, it doesn't mean they'll make those mistakes again.

 

Do you have a past? yes. and she probably accepts you and loves you regardless. you have zero proof that she ever cheated on you, and all of these people that are telling you how "you can't turn a ho into a housewife" are ridiculous. the way someone acted when they were young and foolish doesn't predict the way they will act when they've grown up and fallen in love.

the people on this post are being unrealistic. from what theyre saying, no girl who has ever experimented sexually will ever be loved by anyone, and theyre nothing more than trash. you need to think long and hard before you go and do something foolish. if this girl didnt care about you she wouldnt be in a long distance relationship with you, or travel and spend money to spend time with you. she could just as easily go screw anyone without the fear of being caught or having any emotional baggage.

like i said, you should probably think about what your doing, and whether or not you should be judging her as harshly as you are. people make mistakes, and sometimes it takes that one amazing person to show them the light.

 

 

19 mistakes! Peoples past behavior is a good indicator of who they are. Judge peoples actions not their words.

[some1guy]

thank you all for your responses, alot of you seem to think I sould dump her quick but I'm going to keep with her, I love her and maybe its not my fault I feel this way but hey blame isnt the problem here its the existance of said emotions

anyone whos had to get over some stuff like this please hit me up with some advice on how to move past it, I'm not going to just dump her as the relationship is great, and even though some people might consider me a fool for it, I'm going to try to cover up this achilles heel.

thank you all please continue to reply to my situation I definately still need advice on how to make it work

it's funny because sextrology zodiacks read that in relationships I act like jesus and I need my mary magdeline (all you davinci code followers out there dont be insulted)

[jnj express]

you had better listen to the advice being given you----You are in love , what you are is more than likely infatuated. You tell us sex is special, you are full of it. If sex was special YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING IT THE FIRST TIME, AND YOU KNOW IT. the 1st time there is a problem, and relationships ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS, cuz life is not perfect, she is going to go looking for someone else, that is her, that is what she has done before and that is what she will do again. It's your life and if you want to be miserable, be my guest. Don't come looking for a reason to keep going with this girl, there is none. By the way how many leopards do you know that changed their spots?

[missdependant]

thank you all for your responses, alot of you seem to think I sould dump her quick but I'm going to keep with her, I love her and maybe its not my fault I feel this way but hey blame isnt the problem here its the existance of said emotions

anyone whos had to get over some stuff like this please hit me up with some advice on how to move past it, I'm not going to just dump her as the relationship is great, and even though some people might consider me a fool for it, I'm going to try to cover up this achilles heel.

thank you all please continue to reply to my situation I definately still need advice on how to make it work

it's funny because sextrology zodiacks read that in relationships I act like jesus and I need my mary magdeline (all you davinci code followers out there dont be insulted)

 

don't listen to people here telling you to leave her.. you've been together for a year, and it's really not a big deal.

 

example: my best friend had a really crazy past. cheated on one of her boyfriends (total douche btw).. she's never been proud of it, but it did happen. broke up with him, and played the field for a while, which she says got everything out of her system. anyway, she wasn't like this all the time. i knew her before all of it, and a lot had been going on in her life. her mother had passed away around the same time, don't know if it had anything to do with that. seemed like it though, since all this was happening around the same time. she partied a lot, hooked up with a lot of different guys..

 

now, four years later she's engaged to a really great guy, got back into school and is buying a house. she has no interest in sleeping around or cheating. i'm assuming she'd tell me, considering she's told me everything else about herself.

 

he doesn't care about who she was before they met, only about who she is now. and she IS a great girl, she just hit a rough spot a few years ago.

 

probably the same with your girl. people do make mistakes, they learn from them and grow up. people change. sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. no one would ever guess what her past was like, based on who she is now, and that's what's important.

 

accept the fact that your girlfriend has had a strange past. i doubt you're perfect, and you shouldn't expect her to be.

 

good luck..

[mr.dream merchant]

don't listen to people here telling you to leave her.. you've been together for a year, and it's really not a big deal.

 

example: my best friend had a really crazy past. cheated on one of her boyfriends (total douche btw).. she's never been proud of it, but it did happen. broke up with him, and played the field for a while, which she says got everything out of her system. anyway, she wasn't like this all the time. i knew her before all of it, and a lot had been going on in her life. her mother had passed away around the same time, don't know if it had anything to do with that. seemed like it though, since all this was happening around the same time. she partied a lot, hooked up with a lot of different guys..

 

now, four years later she's engaged to a really great guy, got back into school and is buying a house. she has no interest in sleeping around or cheating. i'm assuming she'd tell me, considering she's told me everything else about herself.

 

he doesn't care about who she was before they met, only about who she is now. and she IS a great girl, she just hit a rough spot a few years ago.

 

probably the same with your girl. people do make mistakes, they learn from them and grow up. people change. sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. no one would ever guess what her past was like, based on who she is now, and that's what's important.

 

accept the fact that your girlfriend has had a strange past. i doubt you're perfect, and you shouldn't expect her to be.

 

good luck..

 

Please, this sounds like one of those non-accredited College commercials "I went with blah blah blah and turned my life around!" OP your GF is a slut. Period. Never in your life EVER commit to a slut. Sluts will always be sluts. She enjoyed opening up her legs freely to various guys, okay, fine. She'll do it while she's with you. Don't let her shame you because she had a difficult past or "Oh I was going through this and that that's why I was a such a whore!" Bull****. You're a whore because you want to be. Just because you hook up with some lame ass dude who can't distinguish between a good catch and one that's been thrown back in by lots of guys, doesn't make you less disgusting than you already were. No nobody has a perfect past, but there's a very big and fat line between perfect and just plain ****ing disgusting, and the OP's GF is the latter. Ditch the broad OP, get a girl who's worth something.

[Stockalone]

anyone whos had to get over some stuff like this please hit me up with some advice on how to move past it, I'm not going to just dump her as the relationship is great, and even though some people might consider me a fool for it, I'm going to try to cover up this achilles heel.

 

thank you all please continue to reply to my situation I definately still need advice on how to make it work

 

Given that you want to stay with her, do a search for "retroactive jealousy". There have been people here on LS that had similar problems. Maybe those threads contain info that will be helpful to you.

[Lizzie60]

I think she's a sadist.. and you're a masochist..

 

If you can't deal with her past.. move on.. period!