dealing with my girlfriends sexual past(found out after falling in love)

[DunnoWhat]

It's sad because the OP sounds like a doormat.

 

Lets all forget about her past for a sec and look at her during the time of her relationship with the OP.

 

and finally we have her special friend, she had a continued sexual relationship with this guy and it continued up to about a month before we met, she lied to me and told me it had been months before she met me and that again really hurt. We are in a long distance relationship, but we met in person and see each other at least once a month, a big part of the first time we saw each other was her telling me how it was amazing that she traveled to "come get me" it made me feel very special but I then found out the last time she had sex with this guy she drove 2 and a half hours each way to meet him at a party and have sex, they never ever went on a date, they would just party and have sex

 

I know this is a long read thank you for taking the time to help me I really do appreciate it

 

as I said I did not know of these things until after I fell in love with her, and the lying about her past has really hurt me, she is also flirty with other guys going as far as saying I love you to them in messages, but I can get over that I expressed my problems with it and she has stopped as far as I know.

 

the problem is is her past haunts me, she has gone to parties with people she has previously hooked up with and has gone as far as begging me to stay on the phone with her. then one of these guys showed up(with the intention of having sex with her) and she said "oh andrews here bye" and hung up before we even said I love you she swears she did not cheat and consciously I beleive her but subconsciously there are doubts.

 

my problem is that I don't feel as though she has any respect for herself, and that I feel as though the sex we have(although very satisfying sexually) leaves me emotionally unfulfilled some of the time because I don't feel special at all.

 

when we first met we had sex the night we met, I thought this was special but obviously it was common practice for her.

 

This issue comes in waves, I an go weeks without thinking of it and then BOOM it will overcome my mind and its all I can think of, if I try to deal with it on my own it is excruciating and if I say anything to her it makes her feel terrible which I do not like to do.

 

 

this is a huge problem as it is not going away, and has only gotten worse when I'v found out about lies she's told me, it has caused huge amount of trust issues on my side and has lead me to resent her when I think of these things, and yes I resent her and love her at the same time if you don't understand that you've never been in a relationship.

 

 

So there it is for all to see. She hasn't changed. Its obvious she's a cheat and is cheating on the OP. The evidence is there for all to see. The girl has low self esteem and less class.

 

I always say people can change and give them a chance. But this girl has not changed at all.

 

The OP will need to get his head examined. This is one of the worst cases of denial I've ever seen. I'm not one to tell a person to dump their partner easily but this is one of the easy ones when you know it's the only thing to do.

[AAlike]

It's sad because the OP sounds like a doormat.

 

Lets all forget about her past for a sec and look at her during the time of her relationship with the OP.

 

 

right, that's the key.

 

OP needs to forget about all the judgemental stuff on this thread...he was asking how to get over her past, not whether or not he should stay with her. I don't understand how people giving their thumbs up or down regarding her past is helping or even addressing that request.

 

Instead, you need to focus on sticking up for yourself and NOT being the doormat that you are acting as here. you will be able to get over her past, but only if and when SHE herself moves on from it. but right now, her behavior is only magnifying everything and it doesn't seem like she is ready for or understands what constitutes a healthy relationship.

 

people's pasts can wreak havoc in the early stage of a relationship because in that early stage of falling in love we tend to see our partner as perfect and (especially in the case of guys) "sweet and angelic" - then we hear about past questionable decisions and you can't reconcile it with the ideal that you've fallen in love with. it creates a fictitious dichotomy between the girl you love and "the girl who did that stuff" - and you get caught up in a rut of trying to "just get over it" and you get frustrated because your emotions envelop you and you can't snap out of it. the truth is you never snap out of it, it just naturally fades away as your relationship goes from the romantic stage to the realistic stage and your SO is more normalized - the same thing happens with sexual stuff. when sex goes from this huge deal to something that you try to fit in during the commercials while the football game's on it seems real silly to freak out about some akward BJ from 1992. that doesn't mean that sex gets worse or boring, it just get less sensationalized.

 

HOWEVER - the natural progression that is needed for you to get over this is never going to happen while your girlfriend continues to disrespect you and basically behave in a way that is only going to further your perception of her as a "ho" or whatever. so you need to focus not on "oh her past her past why why" but instead focus on sticking up for yourself and not tolerating lying, saying I love you to other guys, flirting, etc. etc...and the fact that you are in an LDR (something I've never been able to comprehend in general, honestly) is going to make that tougher. I'm not saying that you can ultimately work this out - as others have pointed out, it's possible that you just aren't compatible, and it also seems very possible that this girl just simply is not ready for a real relationship...but as we've established, that's not what you were asking anyway. Therefore, in order for their to be any chance of making it work, you need to change the issue in your own head from "how do I get over her past" (something that you can't control) to "is this girl treating me right and is she ready for a relationship" (something that you can control). at least that will get you on the right track.

[Untouchable_Fire]

HOWEVER - the natural progression that is needed for you to get over this is never going to happen while your girlfriend continues to disrespect you and basically behave in a way that is only going to further your perception of her as a "ho" or whatever. so you need to focus not on "oh her past her past why why" but instead focus on sticking up for yourself and not tolerating lying, saying I love you to other guys, flirting, etc. etc...and the fact that you are in an LDR (something I've never been able to comprehend in general, honestly) is going to make that tougher. I'm not saying that you can ultimately work this out - as others have pointed out, it's possible that you just aren't compatible, and it also seems very possible that this girl just simply is not ready for a real relationship...but as we've established, that's not what you were asking anyway. Therefore, in order for their to be any chance of making it work, you need to change the issue in your own head from "how do I get over her past" (something that you can't control) to "is this girl treating me right and is she ready for a relationship" (something that you can control). at least that will get you on the right track.

 

This is very good advice! OP you should really pay attention to this.

 

Focus on what you can Fix.