dealing with my girlfriends sexual past(found out after falling in love)

[missdependant]

I don't understand why people get so hung up on what people did in the past with who.. unless she's a serial killer or out comitting some serious sins like robbing banks.. who cares?

 

You're in a Jealousy topic forum where almost everyone here seems to have problems with jealousy (ESPECIALLY mr. dream merchant). Life is too short to sit around crying about who your ex slept with.

 

Yes, she's had other dicks inside of her before, whether or not it was meaningful is irrelevant. Everyone has sex, it doesn't matter with who or when or why or how.

 

NEITHER of you should or should have talked about your past sex life, regardless. This is one situation where ignorance is bliss. Whether you keep on with this relationship is obviously your choice, but for future reference don't even go there, because it's not going to have ANY positive effect on your relationship. Leave the sex talk that doesn't involve your partner as a discussion topic for you and your friends.. leave your girlfriend out of it, and hold her to the same standard. I doubt it would matter to you, if she told you that she only had sex with five people.. you'd probably get jealous if she told you she was MADLY in love with each and every one of them.. because she was sharing her love with someone other than you.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and the subject has never come up, because I KNOW it's devastating for relationships. I don't know how many people he's slept with, nor do I really care and vice versa. We did our STD testing together, and that was enough for me. We focus on the fact that we are in a loving relationship with each other building on our own foundation for great memories. We sleep in the same bed together every night, the sex is great, he's the only man I say "I love you" to (besides my dad).. and I'm the only girl he says "I love you" to. I am the girl that matters to him most, and the one he cares about most, he obviously doesn't care about the girls he slept with in the past (btw, i consider this a good thing).. that's good enough for me.

 

Just stop discussing it with each other. I have only slept with people who I've been in a relationship with.. but I'm also not so judgemental and self-righteous that I'm going to sit here and say that there aren't people out there who are different. And then try and prove that these people aren't capable of love or eventually comitting in relationships.

[some1guy]

missbehaved just to let you know i've had past relationships where people have told me about people they've loved previous to me this is a different kind of thing and if you have emotions before you have sex it is fine i really don't understand how you don't get that her situatin is different unless you didn't really read the post so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't jump to such conclusions I meen no offense to you by saying this just defending myself from your statement

keepem coming people

[missdependant]

Like I said, it's your choice whether or not you stay with her.. but leave the past sex talk out of your relationships.

[You'reasian]

This is a very complicate situation(as I know most are) but I would appreciate some help because I cannot go on like this

 

me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over a year and aside from this issue things are amazing she treats me great and is a beautiful person inside and out.

 

like many others my girlfriends sexual past has become an issue, I've spent time looking for help a lot of which on this site and although knowing others have this problem is nice it does not change my issues

 

this is going to be detailed so here is the problem

 

my girlfriend was in a 4 year long relationship, from how she has described it she was treated terribly but stayed with him for reasons she "just does not know" this relationship spanned her 4 years of high school and has been her only other relationship. In order to "work up the courage to leave him" she decided that cheating on him with her brothers best friend was a good idea, she did so and although at first told me she only did once I found out she cheated for an extended period of time and wasn't planning on telling him at all but her friend let it slip to him. this cheating got as bad as having sex with both of them in the same day. she originally told me she cheated on him so he'd break up with her so that was obviously a lie. they broke up a week before prom, and still went to prom together, they had sex that night again she doesn't know why and then wondered why he thought he had a chance of getting back together with her.

 

after this relationship she continued to rack up sexual partners, all of which treated her terribly some one night stands, some repeated screwing none of which worked out well for her, which until 6 months later totaled 19 making me lucky number twenty.

 

i have been with 4 people including her, i have had ample opportunity to make that number larger both previous to her as well as during our relationship but I consider sex to be a special thing that should not be thrown around frivolously and should be thought about before giving that gift to a person, I myself have had 3 in relationship sexual partners and one friend who was a close friend we just decided not to date

 

obviously you can see why I have an issue with her past I feel like every partner should be someone special and she did not agree with me

 

I understand that I am the one being immature and that this is something I have to get past as I love this girl, I've thought I was in love before but those were obviously nothing to me compared to this relationship.

 

the thing is is we were together for a few months and my love for her formed before I found out about her past, which sadly was from a scheming friend of hers who wanted us to break up so she could be with me, needless to say we don't speak with her anymore. Obviously when I heard these things I asked her if they were true and she said "I don't know what she said so I'll tell you about my past and you tell me about yours" I went first and that was not a good idea.

 

she told me about everyone she had sex with and told me details about the circumstances leading up to all of them as did I with my past partners. I had a few problems with her stories as a few of them went as follows

 

one guy she had sex with because he was buying her drinks she told me she was kicking them back and trying to ignore the guy kissing all over her because she did not want to hook up with him, he continued to take her to his car and started having rough sex with her, she has asked me to hit her during sex but she said the key difference was that he was hitting her so hard it hurt, broke her necklace etc. but she never told him to stop, simply said "who do you think you are?!" in a loud voice which obviously just brought on more violence I don't blame the guy as she didn't say to stop at all and she told me she didn't want to have sex with him in the first place she just "felt like she owed him it because he bought her drinks" the next day someone at a store asked her "did a guy do that to you?" because her bruises and swollen eye were so bad

 

another time she was flirting with a guy all night but could not get access to her dorm room as that was her campus policy so she said she didn't want to have sex, he said she was a tease and lets just say she proved him wrong, they had sex in a ditch outside on a college campus at 1 am, anyone who has been to college knows that it is very populated outside at 1 am many people could see them but she didn't want to be a tease.

 

yet another story and this one hurts the most comes in two parts, as she told me and then retold me the story months later it will become clear to you as you read. the first time she said that she was with him on a trampoline outside of someones house at a party, she said they made out and she told him that she did not want to have sex saying not to put his penis in her, she said he did anyway and so she said to herself, and I quote "well it's already in me I might as well let him finish" I told her I consider that rape and was very tore up about this

the next time she told me the story the truth came out, the same story happened but she said well lets not do it here, they went inside to a bathroom and had sex, she said during the walk to the bathroom she still didn't want to have sex with him, yet she still did, and then she told me a week later a similar situation happened. Obviously when I found this out it was a huge problem I do not like being lied to especially when the lie hurt me so bad I couldn't believe she didn't tell me the truth and let me hurt for so long.

it came out in that same fight that she had lied to me about using condoms during her encounters and had sex with three people without condoms in between her last std test and the first time we hooked up.

 

and finally we have her special friend, she had a continued sexual relationship with this guy and it continued up to about a month before we met, she lied to me and told me it had been months before she met me and that again really hurt. We are in a long distance relationship, but we met in person and see each other at least once a month, a big part of the first time we saw each other was her telling me how it was amazing that she traveled to "come get me" it made me feel very special but I then found out the last time she had sex with this guy she drove 2 and a half hours each way to meet him at a party and have sex, they never ever went on a date, they would just party and have sex

 

I know this is a long read thank you for taking the time to help me I really do appreciate it

 

as I said I did not know of these things until after I fell in love with her, and the lying about her past has really hurt me, she is also flirty with other guys going as far as saying I love you to them in messages, but I can get over that I expressed my problems with it and she has stopped as far as I know.

 

the problem is is her past haunts me, she has gone to parties with people she has previously hooked up with and has gone as far as begging me to stay on the phone with her. then one of these guys showed up(with the intention of having sex with her) and she said "oh andrews here bye" and hung up before we even said I love you she swears she did not cheat and consciously I beleive her but subconsciously there are doubts.

 

my problem is that I don't feel as though she has any respect for herself, and that I feel as though the sex we have(although very satisfying sexually) leaves me emotionally unfulfilled some of the time because I don't feel special at all.

 

when we first met we had sex the night we met, I thought this was special but obviously it was common practice for her.

 

This issue comes in waves, I an go weeks without thinking of it and then BOOM it will overcome my mind and its all I can think of, if I try to deal with it on my own it is excruciating and if I say anything to her it makes her feel terrible which I do not like to do.

 

another issue is that once she told me about how she "loved" when I did a certain sexual at to her we had never performed, this obviously hurt as it meens she thinks of her times with other men and has had so much sex she mixes up what experiences shes had with me with those involving other men

 

this is a huge problem as it is not going away, and has only gotten worse when I'v found out about lies she's told me, it has caused huge amount of trust issues on my side and has lead me to resent her when I think of these things, and yes I resent her and love her at the same time if you don't understand that you've never been in a relationship.

 

again I know this is due to my immaturity, and I know I need to "get over it" but I do not know how, I understand that sex is fun, I understand that people weigh it differently morally but I find it hard to deal with the fact that she had sex with 19 people in about 6 months

 

this hurts and it is not worth the pain it is causing both of us but it simply will not get out of my head I love her more than life and I was wondering if anyone had any advice to help me move past this I hate when sex is not emotionally involved and this makes me feel terribly unloved sometimes during and after sex

 

she has told me that she is sorry about it and that if she could change it she would, so her lack of apology is NOT the issue.

 

thank you for reading this I know it was long but you made it! any help you can offer would be amazing, and any thought you have about this would also be very helpful thank you

 

Everyone has a past. Just let it go. I expect most of the women that I am with to have as much (and sometimes more) experience than myself.

 

If her sexual nature interferes with the loyalty of your relationship, it should be a concern - if her exes are trying to hook up with and she's interested, I can see an issue. Otherwise just let it go.

 

This is how I would do it. Maybe you're different.

[nycmikey]

I am 32 yrs old and I have seen a situation when i was growing up that is a lot like this,there was a girl who hung around us and she was with a lot of guys,i mean like 6 in one day and many many more after that when I first introduced my friend to her she was doing her thing in a room w/ some guy.well anyway my friend that i introduced and this girl ended up hooking up and to make a long story short have been married now 8 yrs,she is your typical house wife and from what i see and know is a changed person,So dont let anyone ever give u that b.s. about u cant turn a ho into a housewife,because i have seen it w/ my own eyes,maybe it took her that many to find the one she loved,maybe this is a rare case I dont know but i can tell u that it is working with them.So good luck,i gotta try to not email my xgf now,god is this tough,anyway good luck

[thinkofme]

you've talked about your sexual past already. stop doing it now. its completely unnecessary for you to keep bringing it up, its the past and nothing can change it. you shouldn't have talked about it in the first place, as it really isn't any of your business what she did before you were together.

it seemed that alot of her sexual encounters were when your gf was drunk. maybe all of her i dont know replies were because she doesn't remember. you shouldnt be so quick to jump to crazy conclusions, alcohol tends to make people forget. the past is the past, you should do what you can to get over it because you cant change the past.

[420honey]

Everyone has a past. Just let it go. I expect most of the women that I am with to have as much (and sometimes more) experience than myself.

 

If her sexual nature interferes with the loyalty of your relationship, it should be a concern - if her exes are trying to hook up with and she's interested, I can see an issue. Otherwise just let it go.

 

This is how I would do it. Maybe you're different.

 

Best answer so far.

 

As you get older, you will learn that almost everyone has done something they aren't proud of, and there's nothing that can be done to change it. Another thing you will learn with age, is that people can in fact change. Some for the better, some for worse. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend has gotten worse if she is with you, in fact it sounds like she may have settled down quite a bit. The only thing you can do with the past is learn from it, and I hope that for both of your sake, your girlfriend learned a valuable lesson. Talking about who slept with who is not necessary for a healthy relationship and can probably be very damaging to both of you. What is necessary is talking about what both of your moral values are. Be honest, and don't spend that time attacking or judging each other. Don't try and prove why you're wrong and she's right and vice versa. Compromise when you find out you both have different standards, and also learn that they probably aren't very different. Have an intimate conversation and prove to each other why you're in love and why your relationship is so important. Realize that you both have made mistakes and will make mistakes, and it would be better to grow and learn together.

[mr.dream merchant]

There may be underlying issues with her frequent past sexual encounters. You tend to leave a ho alone not because of the sex, but because mentally she's got a few marbles missing. Jealousy has nothing to do with it. All of the more promiscuous females I know have problems committing. In fact, they'll openly tell me about their multiple boyfriends and act like they aren't in the wrong for cheating on them. Its just too much liability to take up if you're getting your feelings involved. Find a girl who isn't as risky and loose as your current if you cannot except her past. If you don't, I don't blame you and most certainly wouldn't shame you.

 

And for the record. Missdependant is 22 years old, with 12 sexual partners under her belt. All of them committed relationships? Who knows. If so, that many committed relationships at her age tells you what? Tells YOU what Missdependant? Of all four of your admitted relationships, you said you were cheated on in all of them, even the one you're in now. You wanted to SLASH your current BF's female co-worker's tires or perhaps another aggressive encounter because she's attracted to your BF.

 

While Missdependant may appear to be very credible, and I wish she were, she really isn't. Not a personal attack, just stating some facts here. Yes I may be a little bit jealous. But I can assure the OP he will have future problems if he chooses to stay with his GF. She is NOT worth it.

[samspade]

If it were me, I would dump her. She sounds messed up, and you don't sound like you will get past it. Bad combination.

[samspade]

one guy she had sex with because he was buying her drinks she told me she was kicking them back and trying to ignore the guy kissing all over her because she did not want to hook up with him, he continued to take her to his car and started having rough sex with her, she has asked me to hit her during sex but she said the key difference was that he was hitting her so hard it hurt, broke her necklace etc. but she never told him to stop, simply said "who do you think you are?!" in a loud voice which obviously just brought on more violence I don't blame the guy as she didn't say to stop at all and she told me she didn't want to have sex with him in the first place she just "felt like she owed him it because he bought her drinks" the next day someone at a store asked her "did a guy do that to you?" because her bruises and swollen eye were so bad

 

This is called prostitution. When a person trades sex for commodities, she is a hooker. You are, whether you like it or not, dating a prostitute. For me, it would be a dealbreaker. Some people on this thread disagree. Perhaps you should consider whether you are really willing to date someone of such low quality.

[Danger]

Please stay with this girl so that I don't happen to add her to my resume.

 

Seriously, the past here tells you exactly what this girl is like. Sure she may change, just like Mary Magdalen, however I would personally just move on and find another with less baggage. There are LOADS of women out there that haven't slept with the army, and that don't hang up on you when a "former" lover walks into the room.

 

You don't need to be captain save-a-ho. Go find one that is worth something and doesn't shove the nearest man inside of her just so she doesn't feel like a tease.

[missdependant]

There may be underlying issues with her frequent past sexual encounters. You tend to leave a ho alone not because of the sex, but because mentally she's got a few marbles missing. Jealousy has nothing to do with it. All of the more promiscuous females I know have problems committing. In fact, they'll openly tell me about their multiple boyfriends and act like they aren't in the wrong for cheating on them. Its just too much liability to take up if you're getting your feelings involved. Find a girl who isn't as risky and loose as your current if you cannot except her past. If you don't, I don't blame you and most certainly wouldn't shame you.

 

And for the record. Missdependant is 22 years old, with 12 sexual partners under her belt. All of them committed relationships? Who knows. If so, that many committed relationships at her age tells you what? Tells YOU what Missdependant? Of all four of your admitted relationships, you said you were cheated on in all of them, even the one you're in now. You wanted to SLASH your current BF's female co-worker's tires or perhaps another aggressive encounter because she's attracted to your BF.

 

While Missdependant may appear to be very credible, and I wish she were, she really isn't. Not a personal attack, just stating some facts here. Yes I may be a little bit jealous. But I can assure the OP he will have future problems if he chooses to stay with his GF. She is NOT worth it.

 

LOL.. have fun derailing the thread!

 

Yes, I have been with 12 people; some male and some female. The females were brought into my sex life for some added fun (oh noes, something more to judge me and my relationship about!) and the others were people I've dated; some for months at a time, others for years at a time. Keep in mind, wise one, that it's impossible for two women to legitimately have sex with each other. There is a difference between people I've had sex with and people that I've "been with". Yes, I like girls and yes I include them in my sex life, because I like to explore and so does my boyfriend.

 

Keep on judging. I'm sure you're perfect in every way. And everyone should follow your example. I'm done responding to you.. in fact, I don't even know why I'm explaining myself to you.

 

:lmao:

[Trialbyfire]

Is it honestly the numbers that bother everyone or is it the combination of risky behaviour, low self-esteem, need for external validation, lying and cheating that bothers people?

 

The above phrases in italics, would be my concern. Unless she's undergone some serious therapy and even then, fundamental behaviour patterns tend to manifest themselves when relationships hit rocky times.

[You'reasian]

Is it honestly the numbers that bother everyone or is it the combination of risky behaviour, low self-esteem, need for external validation, lying and cheating that bothers people?

 

The above phrases in italics, would be my concern. Unless she's undergone some serious therapy and even then, fundamental behaviour patterns tend to manifest themselves when relationships hit rocky times.

 

Not the concepts themselves, more specifically will her behavior make her do things that challenge the fidelity of the relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Not the concepts themselves' date=' more specifically will her behavior make her do things that challenge the fidelity of the relationship.[/quote']

That's the end effect of some of the above behaviours, whereby she's already shown deceit, and a lack of boundaries surrounding fidelity in the past.

[mr.dream merchant]

Exactly. It may or may not be that she is worth something. Why take the chance? Am I going to walk across the cliff on a busted ass wooden bridge or a sturdy metal one? Either one could fall from beneath you, but chances are, the wooden one with lots of history and use behind will break first. OP do not play with your heart or your sanity. Staying with this girl is only going to drive you crazy. Find another self-respecting lady who you can cater to and she to you.

[carhill]

It appears the OP and his LDR are merely incompatible, at least to most outsiders looking on here, and he's trying to resolve his feelings with what his senses and intellect are telling him.

 

His descriptions hit a bit close to home and I can tell him that truly loving such a person, even as a friend, is not for the faint of heart. It will take you places you'll never imagine you could go.

 

Weigh that balance carefully.

[AAlike]

It appears the OP and his LDR are merely incompatible, at least to most outsiders looking on here, and he's trying to resolve his feelings with what his senses and intellect are telling him.

 

His descriptions hit a bit close to home and I can tell him that truly loving such a person, even as a friend, is not for the faint of heart. It will take you places you'll never imagine you could go.

 

Weigh that balance carefully.

 

yep, this would be my concern too. OP seems like a fairly conventional, conservative guy, and it seems that this girl his a flair for the dramatic that might prove fatal to the relationship...and it also seems that she herself has not been able to fully distance herself from her past, so it's going to be nearly impossible for you to do so if she can't! and that is anything but a flaw in you or a sign of any immaturity.

 

HOWEVER - if you truly love this girl and think that you'd be truly happy with her if you could move past this, then I would hardly advocate giving up hope just yet. You've got to do your best to focus on her present behavior and decide if that behavior is conducive to a relationship. It is very possible that this girl is not ever going to shed this behavioral pattern and will only use the stability of the relationship as a fallback and will infuse her flair for drama and need for attention into your daily life, which I have seen plenty of times. But I have also seen guys and girls that had completely crazy times as adolescents and young adults completely do a 180 once they find the right person and realize that was all that they ever needed. It's up to you to figure out which one she is.

 

I know that it's very difficult because right now you're just doing anything to avoid falling into that emotional rut and it's tough to think logically. but I can assure you that if the other pieces fall into place, that will naturally go away and you'll distance yourself from her past just as she has - and you'll be grateful that you didn't like a few akward sexual experiences that no one will give a crap about in the grand scheme of things jeopardize your happiness. but that will never happen unless she does what it takes to show you behaviorally that she is in fact past it.

[The Collector]

Don't trust women who say all their exes treated them like crap. Especially if they say that they couldn't leave, for some reason or other... and times that mistrust by a million if their 'solution' was to sleep with their partner's two brothers in the same day...

 

I don't mistrust all women, or have problems with women with a high number of partners or sexual experience. But this one is almost definitely cheating on you right now.

[chelsey]

ok i just know i'm going to get attacked like your girlfriend, but i think this is just something most people don't understand.

 

i'm much like your girlfriend, well i was... here's how it went.

i lost my virginity by being raped. i was scared, i said "i don't think we should do this" but he didn't stop, he was a a football player and a lot bigger than me. later i found out that this same guy murdered a woman for refusing to have sex with him. i never came forward about what he did to me and regret it so much because the woman he killed had a young son and if i had said something maybe it wouldn't have happened. he had raped other girls around my college too, all of them were scared too i guess.

 

from that moment everything gradually spiraled downward and out of control. i felt immense guilt and i rushed into having sex with my long term bf to try to "correct" what had happened. it didn't. i spent a lot of time trying to "correct" it, and wondering why everyone else enjoyed sex so much since it wasn't really doing anything for me. I tried out a different kinds of guys, it was almost like sex was a food and i hadn't found my favorite flavor yet.

 

i'm not sure how it happened, i never really liked sex, but i became fixated on it. i could never have that emotional connection i wanted (i've still never made love) so i tried to find sex that felt good phsyically. like your gf i had a guy that i didn't date but would call up for sex occasionally. sex satisfyied some need i had, and distracted me from how miserable i was. it was like a drug that made me feel good temporarily only to crash later once i realised what i'd done. my life hadn't turned out how i wanted at all, i wanted to only ever have sex with my boyfriend, i was going to wait til we got married but that got ruined.

 

i think i was a sex addict, and the same with your gf. it's not that you like or enjoy sex any more than other people, you just fixate on it. you need it to make you feel better, and it gives you highs and lows.

 

there were times i didn't want to have sex but i was afraid to say no. getting raped once does that to a girl. we get scared and we lose self worth. we didn't get to make a choice when it mattered so who cares what happens now. i didn't care about myself or where i was going, it's a very miserable place to be. i don't remeber a lot of it, and i lied about it because i honestly did not want to go back and remember it.

 

here's how it ended. my original boyfriend and i were on and off. i tried to get him to leave me, but at the same time i tried to pretend my other life didn't happen. i didn't want to hurt him by letting him find out about how i'd thrown my life away and the terrible person i'd become. i didn't even want to finish college and i thought about killing myself but i didn't tell a soul about it. i was staying away from him at longer intervals trying to get him to forget or leave me. it just made him stressed and sick. he was begging me to come over one night but i was in a bad situation with this other guy watching my every move. i wanted to disappear from my bf's life and hope he'd forget about me. i admitted everything to him, i cried and cried. i didn't want him to know but now that he did i wanted him to hate me and go on with his life to let me throw the rest of mine away.

 

he didn't leave me. he wanted to help me. i guess like you he has a superhero complex. he still hates me for my past, and sometimes he gets fixed on it and we fight.

now we live together and it is so freeing that he knows all my secrets. he says a person can't really be good until they've been bad. he's not so good either, he stole cars a long time ago to pay for medicine just after his family immigranted. in a way he gained respect for me because hefore he thought i was a naive american girl that never had a hard day in her life, to someone that's seen true darkness. we're still together, and now i'm paying for his medical bills. he's my best friend and when i was at the pit of dispair he reached his hand out to pull me from it and i am so thankful for that. i still remember the night i tried to disappear from his life, instead of hating me he drove to my apartment and on the sidewalk at midnight he just hugged me and we both cried and confessed to each other all the bad things we've done or that were done to us in our lives and decided we just needed each other and if we had that everything would be ok.

 

all it takes is for sex to be wrong once for it to never mean what it's supposed to again. it takes a lot of rebuilding for you to trust each other, you don't trust her to be faithful and she doesn't trust men with her self or her emotions. you have a lot of work cut out for you, and i hope you've made her promise never to do any of that again. my bf made me promise and even thoguh i still don't understand what the big deal is with sex, and i still find myself thinking about it too much, i've kept my promise. i do agree when the posters here say she's broken, she is. if you leave her she migth never get fixed.

 

 

ok that was real long but i hope it provides some insight into your gf. it's very hard for me to open up to my bf about how i feel and why i did what i did. like her i just turned off my emotions for a long time and lived in a fog so it's hard to acknowledge those emotions that i tried so hard to stuff down and ignore. i now live every day trying to make it up to him and trying to be a better person.

[AAlike]

ok i just know i'm going to get attacked like your girlfriend, but i think this is just something most people don't understand.

 

wow, quite a disclosure here.

 

 

i think i was a sex addict, and the same with your gf. it's not that you like or enjoy sex any more than other people, you just fixate on it. you need it to make you feel better, and it gives you highs and lows.

 

Yeah, I was going to mention that the hyperdramatic behavior that I was alluding to is often indicative of an addictive personality or an actual addiction. my brother is an addict (drugs, not sex, but it doesn't really matter in this case) and it's almost like he voluntarily gets in messed up situations even though he knows it's unhealthy. I'm not saying that OP's GF is definitely a sex addict, but there are definitely tendencies to addictive behavior going on there.

 

people really misunderstand addiciton, particularly sex addiction by thinking it's about some insatiable sexual appetite, which, as you have pointed out, it has nothing to do with - rather it is more like a trial-and-error type of search process.

 

I tried out a different kinds of guys, it was almost like sex was a food and i hadn't found my favorite flavor yet.

 

all it takes is for sex to be wrong once for it to never mean what it's supposed to again.

 

 

very interesting but makes sense. once you've had a sexual experience that sours you, you engage in it again not for enjoyment, but to "undo" that bad sex and "normalize" it again - sort of like a reverse "chasing the dragon" effect.

 

very insightful stuff here - thanks for volunteering this information as I'd imagine it was not easy to do so.

[Untouchable_Fire]

ok that was real long but i hope it provides some insight into your gf. it's very hard for me to open up to my bf about how i feel and why i did what i did. like her i just turned off my emotions for a long time and lived in a fog so it's hard to acknowledge those emotions that i tried so hard to stuff down and ignore. i now live every day trying to make it up to him and trying to be a better person.

 

Just remember that most normal guys would walk away. So, cherish what you have.

 

I've done the whole... "I can fix her" thing... and it didn't turn out well. It RARELY does. Understand that most of us have been burned by similar situations... do your best not to burn your guy. There may not be another like him for a long time.

[mr.dream merchant]

Did ya dump her yet?!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Everyone has a past. Just let it go. I expect most of the women that I am with to have as much (and sometimes more) experience than myself.

If her sexual nature interferes with the loyalty of your relationship, it should be a concern - if her exes are trying to hook up with and she's interested, I can see an issue. Otherwise just let it go.

This is how I would do it. Maybe you're different.

 

This is different. They have completely opposite views about sex.

 

He values it, she doesn't... How do you expect him to reconcile that?

 

I am 32 yrs old and I have seen a situation when i was growing up that is a lot like this,there was a girl who hung around us and she was with a lot of guys,i mean like 6 in one day and many many more after that when I first introduced my friend to her she was doing her thing in a room w/ some guy.well anyway my friend that i introduced and this girl ended up hooking up and to make a long story short have been married now 8 yrs,she is your typical house wife and from what i see and know is a changed person,So dont let anyone ever give u that b.s. about u cant turn a ho into a housewife,because i have seen it w/ my own eyes,maybe it took her that many to find the one she loved,maybe this is a rare case I dont know but i can tell u that it is working with them.So good luck,i gotta try to not email my xgf now,god is this tough,anyway good luck

 

.... you forgot to add "Happily Ever After".

 

Im sure it works out sometimes, but not very often. I've seen these things implode 20 years down the road. For each good example you have... I have 10 bad ones.

 

it seemed that alot of her sexual encounters were when your gf was drunk. maybe all of her i dont know replies were because she doesn't remember. you shouldnt be so quick to jump to crazy conclusions, alcohol tends to make people forget. the past is the past, you should do what you can to get over it because you cant change the past.

 

Just get over it? What kind of advice is that supposed to be?

 

Best answer so far.

As you get older, you will learn that almost everyone has done something they aren't proud of, and there's nothing that can be done to change it. Another thing you will learn with age, is that people can in fact change. Some for the better, some for worse. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend has gotten worse if she is with you, in fact it sounds like she may have settled down quite a bit. The only thing you can do with the past is learn from it, and I hope that for both of your sake, your girlfriend learned a valuable lesson. Talking about who slept with who is not necessary for a healthy relationship and can probably be very damaging to both of you. What is necessary is talking about what both of your moral values are. Be honest, and don't spend that time attacking or judging each other. Don't try and prove why you're wrong and she's right and vice versa. Compromise when you find out you both have different standards, and also learn that they probably aren't very different. Have an intimate conversation and prove to each other why you're in love and why your relationship is so important. Realize that you both have made mistakes and will make mistakes, and it would be better to grow and learn together.

 

The GF does not seem to have learned anything. Sometimes I think you guys are not really reading what this guy writes. She hasn't settled down or changed... Where do you get that from?

 

They have WILDLY different values...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, I have been with 12 people; some male and some female. The females were brought into my sex life for some added fun (oh noes, something more to judge me and my relationship about!) and the others were people I've dated; some for months at a time, others for years at a time. Keep in mind, wise one, that it's impossible for two women to legitimately have sex with each other. There is a difference between people I've had sex with and people that I've "been with". Yes, I like girls and yes I include them in my sex life, because I like to explore and so does my boyfriend.

Keep on judging. I'm sure you're perfect in every way. And everyone should follow your example. I'm done responding to you.. in fact, I don't even know why I'm explaining myself to you.

 

How did this become about you?

 

I am judging this... person based on her actions in and outside of the relationship.

 

You seem to be placing yourself in her shoes. I don't think that is right, because she isnt' you. In fact she seems very crazy, and you don't... so I do not feel there is any correlation.