Woke up Saturday to THE NOTE

[wowWTF]

Hey everyone,

 

Been married to my wife for two years, we've been together a total of four years.

 

She's 28 and I am 27. She is mooovin on up in the corporate world. I got laid off in September due to the economy.

 

I have been paying all my bills due to my savings and pittance of an unemployment check I get.

 

I know I there have been plenty of times I have been a total d*ck to my wife as far as not listening to her or saying hurtful things. I have never ever ever layed a hand on her or even remotely gave the impression of cheating. Any issues we ever had were simply words. Mind you that she does her share also.

 

With all that said, to my knowledge we didn't argue any more than your average couple.

 

We went to Belize for our two year anniversary on March 3rd. We had a blast in Belize. She gave me the most wonderful card for our anniversary saying all sorts of nice things. We returned on the 14th. Everything was fine the whole week. I had been pretty stressed out over my job situation and it was starting to cause tension in our marriage because I was on edge a lot more than normal, but still- nothing over the top. Upon returning from our vacation I was extremely optimistic about our marriage.

 

Well, we had a good week together and stayed up talking Friday night til around 2-3 am just goofing off cracking jokes and stuff.

 

I woke up on Saturday and she was gone...only thing she left was a note that said she was going to her moms for a while.

 

I called her and she said she was filing for divorce. She has been totally aloof to me during the whole process. Not even giving me a specific reason. She has totally refused any counseling whatsoever. She is adamant about being divorced. Very puzzling. She basically said she doesn't feel like I respect her enough...but isn't that something you would go to counseling for? She knows I am a good guy and have morals and values. She knows I am not a bad guy and that I would put in the effort to make things right. But yet she downright refuses to even try. Her reasoning is that she told me I didn't respect her enough in the past but I didn't listen. Wow. No "hey I am really stressed out about you not respecting me and will leave you if you don't fix it" nope. None of that. Apparently her dropping hints in casual conversation is supposedly enough for me to pick up on and implement under pain of divorce upon failure.

 

Then Tuesday, she throws out this little gem via email: "After this is all settled I might consider allowing you to date me again". lol (this is out of character for her big time. I think she is on a major power trip just because she made the first move). But regardless, if she is so adamant about being divorced without even considering counseling....why is she already mentioning dating me after it's over?

 

I would have never considered the possibility of her cheating...but it seems like the only legitimate reason for this. Other than that it doesn't add up at all. I still honestly do not suspect her of cheating. She has never even remotely acted suspicious and she has been an outstanding companion up until Saturday when she went from 0 to 60 in a split second. But in looking at the situation, why else would you not even try to fix a marriage, but yet still want to date the person if you're not cheating? Sounds like some Sex and The City fantasy if you ask me.

 

I am strongly considering hiring a PI to check her out just for my peace of mind. She really really has me feeling like sh*t over this because she told me it was my fault. She has always been such a wonderful woman and I love her with all my heart. The guilt I am experiencing is maddening even though I don't really know exactly what I have supposedly done. I am so confused because of the way she skipped out. I am still essentially in shock over it.

 

She is acting TOTALLY out of character. She has never ever acted like this towards me attitude or action-wise. I'd appreciate any insight anyone can offer!

[LovieDove24]

Wow, yeah talk about a complete 180.

 

She gave you an overly lovey dovey card only two weeks ago and now all of a sudden its time for divorce?

 

I don't even know the lady and it all sounds out of character. Hire a PI, go with your gut instinct. Something is mighty fishy here.

[wowWTF]

Yeah I can't emphasize enough how much of a 180 this is. If I even remotely saw this coming I wouldn't be so shocked.

 

It's too fishy...just doesn't add up.

 

Thanks for the response.

[hopesndreams]

I think she's hiding something. Has she taken all of her belongings out of the house? If not, go through them, do a really thorough snoop. Maybe she's doing this for attention and she has no real intention of leaving permanently and if that's the case--that's beyond cruel.

[2sure]

Have you ever argued about or has she brought up to you ...that she has any problems with your job status? As in, are you looking and does she acknowledge that or place any blame on you for being unemployed?

 

Have any of arguments had to do with future plans? Have your future plans been the same and solid?

 

Has she seen an attorney , have you received any documentation of this?

If not - is it possible she is merely issuing you a wake up call?

 

Also, sadly - some people bail when the going gets tough.

[wowWTF]

I think she's hiding something. Has she taken all of her belongings out of the house? If not, go through them, do a really thorough snoop. Maybe she's doing this for attention and she has no real intention of leaving permanently and if that's the case--that's beyond cruel.

 

Hopes,

 

Yeah she cleaned out all her info. I will really dig in for more info. But so far she has cleared out documents from our filing cabinets, tax returns etc. Initial impressions are that she has done a sweep...but I will look for more info.

 

She uses her blackberry provided by her job as her personal phone so I have no access to it.

 

And yes, as you said...if this is some cry for attention...it is beyond cruel and will bring about a whole new set of issues. Even if she comes back I will have a very hard time trusting her because she was so damn deceptive. She moved way too fast for this to not have been planned. Which means that we were sitting there spending time together after our anniversary vacation with me being happy and optimistic and her being deceitful...sneakiness is a major no-no in marriage as far as I am concerned.

 

I have no mutual friends to check with or anything. I am seriously lost in space over here.

[wowWTF]

Have you ever argued about or has she brought up to you ...that she has any problems with your job status? As in, are you looking and does she acknowledge that or place any blame on you for being unemployed?

 

Have any of arguments had to do with future plans? Have your future plans been the same and solid?

 

Has she seen an attorney , have you received any documentation of this?

If not - is it possible she is merely issuing you a wake up call?

 

Also, sadly - some people bail when the going gets tough.

 

It's weird in the sense she seems to have selective hearing. I was highly irritated over being laid off and said I really didn't want to have to work again for a while that I wanted to go back to school.

 

I have savings as well as the GI Bill, which as of September will also pay Basic Housing Allowance. Between my savings, my currency trading income, and the GI Bill I will have plenty of money to pay my bills. But I also told her that if worse came to worse I would do what I have to do to get by no matter how crappy the job was.

 

Somehow she only focused on the thing I said 6 months ago about not wanting to work, which was said halfway in jest...and totally ignored the part about me saying I will do whatever I have to do.

 

As far as future plans...yeah everything has seemed fine. We are on the same page as far as things we want to do. We were even planning our next vacation out of the country for either 2010 or 2011. All that good marriage kind of stuff.

 

She has kept me completely in the dark on her timeline. I have no clue whatsoever if she has seen an attorney or not. She has never been the type to bluff. I have always admired her follow through...of course it sucks to be on the wrong side of said follow through. So I am definitely taking her seriously...though at the same time it is so irrational for her to do this unless she is in fact cheating (which I am not convinced of) that I don't see how she could be for real. Seriously, why refuse counseling? We have never had any close calls and she has never even so much as threatened to leave. This is not a repeat offense.

 

And in that case, why is she already talking about "possibly allowing me to date her" (lol)? Sounds like kind of a power trip thing to say. Pretty big assumption on her part, which gives me insight into her attitude on this subject.

 

The only weird thing to note was Friday night she came in from work...then abruptly went back outside... I was curious why she would just walk outside for no reason and thought maybe she left to get something to eat or whatever...so I stuck my head out the front door to check and she was on her phone all secretive with her eyes glued to the front door. Obviously keeping a lookout for me. In retrospect my guess is that she was calling her mom to tell her she was moving in the next day...but who knows? She has never even remotely given me any suspicion to extramarital affairs. On that note, I am not in denial about the possibility simply because it happens so often and is usually unexpected.

[2sure]

Hmm. Well, I can give you my honest perspective - just something to think about.

 

When one partner isnt working and the other is...

 

The one getting up in the morning and going out the door has issue with it. It doesnt have to be about money. Its about sitting around or even just going to work.

 

Dont under estimate that. In fact, from what you have said - I think you may have. To a lot of people, if you are without children and not working (or even working from home like freelancing or trading) - they resent it.

 

Given that at as you said she is "moving up" in the corporate world - she sounds ambitious. An ambitious person might have issue with you being content to stay home , use your savings, collect a check and make enough to cover your bills.

 

Just saying.

 

You havent been laid off that long really. Being laid off and collecting unemployment is a GREAT time to go back to school - she probably agreed with you? Well? Did you?

[2sure]

Blah. I just realized my last post sounded accusatory - and that wasnt my intent.

 

My experience:L I lived with a guy wo was basically rich, older than me - didnt need to work, Wasnt ever going to need to. Good for him right?

Meanwhile, I would go to work every day because ... thats what I do.

 

I ended up resenting him. But I couldnt justify it even to myself, because hey - he didnt need to work. My resentment would manifest itself into very angry arguments about stupid things.

 

I moved out. He still doesnt work.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Once you figure out who she is seeing, and for how long - the pieces will fall into place.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time with this. However, I disagree with everyone who's suggesting she's seeing someone else. It sounds like she's been unhappy for quite a while.

 

To me, it sounds like your trip to Belize was a "one last shot" situation, to see if during happy/good times you had the capability of treating her how she deserves to be treated. If she could see that, she could hold on until these bad financial/job times pass. My guess is that you were - as you've admitted - a d*ck to her during your vacation, or "said hurtful things," or "didn't listen to her," or that she simply wasn't able to regain any of the magic or passion you had before as a result of those years of being a d*ck/hurtful things/not listening.

 

From what I've observed and personally experienced, women are not apt to rush to judgment when it comes to terminating a relationship. They've usually given it much thought, and many chances, to survive. This would explain why she's not open to counseling. She's already made up her mind, a long time before the note, and likely even before Belize.

 

Women who claim to have told the men in their lives that they're unhappy prior to leaving usually HAVE done just that. Like you admitted, you've spent a long time just not listening to her. She shouldn't have to add, "...improve or I'll leave you..." at the end of her communications for you to get it.

[wowWTF]

Hey thanks for the input everyone.

[imagine]

Please go to marriagebuilders.com articles. Read the piece -"Why women leave men". The articles are all free...

 

Your ammunition to the future!

[SRV]

I would highly suggest that you save all your money instead of hiring a PI. Even if you find out from the PI, will that bring her back? From the look of it, she was already gone a while ago. It was just a matter of time before she would act on it and actually physically leave.

 

At this point in time, you need to support her decision and start getting yourself and life in order; education, financially, emotionally, physically and career wise. Work on yourself, if it means going back to school, be ambitious, if not for yourself but your future relationships. She is in the corporate world and moving up, would it be that she saw a lack of drive in you by any chance?

[troubadour]

I would highly suggest that you save all your money instead of hiring a PI. Even if you find out from the PI, will that bring her back? From the look of it, she was already gone a while ago. It was just a matter of time before she would act on it and actually physically leave.

 

At this point in time, you need to support her decision and start getting yourself and life in order; education, financially, emotionally, physically and career wise. Work on yourself, if it means going back to school, be ambitious, if not for yourself but your future relationships. She is in the corporate world and moving up, would it be that she saw a lack of drive in you by any chance?

 

 

The above is a great advice.

[TrustInYourself]

Knowing she's cheating is worthless. Who cares what her reason is.

[chrissreef]

WOW! Were we with the same girl??? Here's my fiancee 2.5 yr eruption

 

Dec 1 we renew our apt lease, 12 months

Dec 10 I get Happy Anniversary cards

Dec 11-18 15 "i love you" emails/texts

Dec 19 I say "go out with your girls and have fun, I'll stay home and work wedding stuff"

Dec 21 "i cheated on you, I'm leaving, I think there's someone better for us out there" That's the only reason I was given.

 

NOT interested in counseling or anything. I find out a few days later she went out with her 12 yr older personal trainer (24 v 36). They've been together for 3 months now.

 

The first 1.5 months I got emails/texts that she thinks she wants to date me again, but needs time to "know" herself - 6-12 months and to NOT get my hopes up and for me to date other people. She's become colder and colder/aloof with me over the last 1.5 months. 3 weeks ago she said "thank you for everything, and I do love you" and then a happy birthday text and this week she sent me an email with the word "friend" in it.

 

I feel your pain... I suggest moving on just incase. My heart says to maintain contact with mine but my brain is telling me to do NC forever.

 

Curious - is she passive aggressive or use the silent treatment? Mine does.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's cheating, it's over , im sorry.

 

But you need to go down to the bank and start pulling some money before she does, start cutting off all joint credit cards and getting all things law specific in order, she's gonna screw you in court. Dont lay down for it. time to fight.

[chrissreef]

also, for me I think she's wanting her cake and to eat it too. He'll be her F buddy, social butterfly/party guy and I'm the guy that goes dancing with her, ballets, theatre etc. I'm debating how to handle this in a way to not get hurt. We have a lot of fun together but I don't want to get hurt, be used or prevent myself from meeting others.

 

As Chrome Barracuda said - lock everything down and change PW's asap! The nice girl you know did a 180 and will become very self serving for a little while at least. Protect yourself financially/legally before she cleans house. The first thing I said was to give me my ccards back, tolltag etc.. The next day I woke up and my facebook/myspace had all our images erased and verbiage changed - probably so the guy she left me for would think she's single or something. I changed my email PW and tried to see hers but she already changed her PW to everything. I have to applaud her in a way, very sneaky - that's what you expect from a woman though. Guys are pretty dumb about stuff like this lol.

[LovieDove24]

That sneaky phone call running outside is proof enough. I think shes cheating. Honest.

[NYCmitch25]

Please go to marriagebuilders.com articles. Read the piece -"Why women leave men". The articles are all free...

 

Your ammunition to the future!

 

 

"What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who is there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected. " -marriagebuilders.com

 

This was what was missing from her life IMO..

[wowWTF]

WOW! Were we with the same girl??? Here's my fiancee 2.5 yr eruption

 

Dec 1 we renew our apt lease, 12 months

Dec 10 I get Happy Anniversary cards

Dec 11-18 15 "i love you" emails/texts

Dec 19 I say "go out with your girls and have fun, I'll stay home and work wedding stuff"

Dec 21 "i cheated on you, I'm leaving, I think there's someone better for us out there" That's the only reason I was given.

 

NOT interested in counseling or anything. I find out a few days later she went out with her 12 yr older personal trainer (24 v 36). They've been together for 3 months now.

 

The first 1.5 months I got emails/texts that she thinks she wants to date me again, but needs time to "know" herself - 6-12 months and to NOT get my hopes up and for me to date other people. She's become colder and colder/aloof with me over the last 1.5 months. 3 weeks ago she said "thank you for everything, and I do love you" and then a happy birthday text and this week she sent me an email with the word "friend" in it.

 

I feel your pain... I suggest moving on just incase. My heart says to maintain contact with mine but my brain is telling me to do NC forever.

 

Curious - is she passive aggressive or use the silent treatment? Mine does.

 

 

Damn man yeah sounds like we have a lot of common ground here.

 

She uses the silent treatment in ways. I think passive aggressive would be the best way to describe it. She's been emailing me and vice versa, and we've talked on the phone 3-4 times. One minute cold, the next warm. She changes gears rather quickly. It's as if she is having major emotional fluctuations or something. She is damn determined to get a divorce though. It's bizarre. I mean, really it's not. At this point I assume she's either cheating or she is totally psycho bipolar with limited reasoning abilities...which either way I am better off on my own I guess. That's what my brain tells me at least. We humans are such paradoxical creatures.

 

 

Sorry for your situation man. What do you do to deal with it?

[wowWTF]

That sneaky phone call running outside is proof enough. I think shes cheating. Honest.

 

 

I agree with you. The only thing at all that would explain it is that she was telling her mom she was moving in the next morning...but I doubt it.

[wowWTF]

also, for me I think she's wanting her cake and to eat it too. He'll be her F buddy, social butterfly/party guy and I'm the guy that goes dancing with her, ballets, theatre etc. I'm debating how to handle this in a way to not get hurt. We have a lot of fun together but I don't want to get hurt, be used or prevent myself from meeting others.

 

As Chrome Barracuda said - lock everything down and change PW's asap! The nice girl you know did a 180 and will become very self serving for a little while at least. Protect yourself financially/legally before she cleans house. The first thing I said was to give me my ccards back, tolltag etc.. The next day I woke up and my facebook/myspace had all our images erased and verbiage changed - probably so the guy she left me for would think she's single or something. I changed my email PW and tried to see hers but she already changed her PW to everything. I have to applaud her in a way, very sneaky - that's what you expect from a woman though. Guys are pretty dumb about stuff like this lol.

 

Yeah I see what you mean. She changed all her pwords and she took ALL kinds of paperwork. Including mine mixed in. Tax documents, stuff like that.

 

She also jacked my laptop. It was mine well before I met her so it wasn't "ours". It had some naked pics of her on it. The laptop was broken as it was around 5 years old, so it was crammed in a dresser drawer away from site for the past 2-3 years. Now, I am not saying I blame her for securing the pics, even though she still stole my computer...but it does give evidence that was planning this whole thing all the way to the last detail.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think she tried to tell you to stop not respecting her in the past and when you failed to do so she found some one else behind your back who would respect her.

 

You are both wrong in a way if in fact that is the case I'm sorry but prob not much you can do but let her go now.

 

Maybe the nice card and vacation was her way of saying good bye who knows...