Why is marriage considered different than other relationships?

[pkn06002]

You know as I read through the threads here on LS something popped into my head.

 

Why is a marriage considered so different than other relationships? You read thread after thread of how people (like me) lose that love, passion, desire for their spouse. Which in a normal (pre-marriage) relationship would be a signal that you move on. But divorce is ugly so people cheat or just stay and are unhappy.

 

I know you see those "special" couples that are that perfect match that last forever, but those seem more like the exception than the rule.

 

But why is marriage supposed to be so much different?

[pkn06002]

I can understand it being "different" when it was the only approved way by society to have children.

 

I can understand it being "different" in a religious sense.

 

But neither of those really apply to "modern" society.

 

Other than the fact I have been told from the time I was little that marriage is special, I really don't see why it is.

[clv0116]

Some people apparently don't find it different, but women in particular seem pretty marriage-centric in their relationship goals. In fact every woman I've ever interacted with who was not focussed on getting married has had at least one bad marriage behind her. Perhaps they are bitter over the whole thing, who knows?

 

But in practical terms, marriage is a big deal socially. Instead of people figuring out what the relationship status really is from residence status and rumor, in a wedding two people stand up and actively invite a group of those most important to them to witness the formalization of their union. Then they sign a legal contract.

 

That's a big deal.

[pkn06002]

Some people apparently don't find it different, but women in particular seem pretty marriage-centric in their relationship goals. In fact every woman I've ever interacted with who was not focussed on getting married has had at least one bad marriage behind her. Perhaps they are bitter over the whole thing, who knows?

 

But in practical terms, marriage is a big deal socially. Instead of people figuring out what the relationship status really is from residence status and rumor, in a wedding two people stand up and actively invite a group of those most important to them to witness the formalization of their union. Then they sign a legal contract.

 

That's a big deal.

 

So a big deal because of the legal contract and society?

 

But other than those two things marriage has no "magic" to make it different emotionally from any other relationship. Yet somehow you are supposed to always love your spouse, have passion, want to have sex with them etc... etc... Because of the marriage.

[clv0116]

But other than those two things marriage has no "magic" to make it different emotionally from any other relationship.

 

The two of you stood up in front of God and everyone and gave your word you would commit. You were not hedging your bets in any way, you clearly stated in an unambiguous way what your level of commitment was. In some circles a persons word is expected to mean something. Then on top of that you were willing to back it up with a legal contract.

 

It's 'just a piece of paper' in much the same way a suitcase full of $100 bills is 'just a bunch of paper'.

[pkn06002]

Tell clv0116 what is supposed to make a marriage so special that you have love, passion, desire, wanting sex etc... etc... forever with the same person??

 

What is supposed to make marriage so emotionally different than any other relationship that fades?? What this promise of commitment??

[complicatedlife]

The two of you stood up in front of God and everyone and gave your word you would commit. You were not hedging your bets in any way, you clearly stated in an unambiguous way what your level of commitment was. In some circles a persons word is expected to mean something. Then on top of that you were willing to back it up with a legal contract.

 

It's 'just a piece of paper' in much the same way a suitcase full of $100 bills is 'just a bunch of paper'.

 

So what about people who get married at their town's city hall? Or people who are atheist? Or people who have civil unions because they are not "allowed" to be "married"?

 

Are you saying that doing it in front of people and adding religion to it makes it a more legitimate relationship and more emotionally binding as opposed to a couple who have lived together for, say, 22 years?

 

A friend of mine is the product of 2 people who live in Atlanta who have been together now for 48 years and are not married, have 8 children, a house, they are each others' beneficiaries, etc. How are they any different than a couple who legalized it? Not trying to be difficult, just trying to understand your rationale.

[clv0116]

So what about people who get married at their town's city hall? Or people who are atheist?

 

"God and everyone" is a colloquial expression meaning to broadcast something publicly and widely. To make well known.

[clv0116]

Tell clv0116 what is supposed to make a marriage so special that you have love, passion, desire, wanting sex etc... etc... forever with the same person??

 

I believe it's not that being married makes it special, it is that it was special and therefore you got married. If it's not that special it won't go 'all the way' most of the time.

 

There is a huge difference in investment between moving your toothbrush and making the sort of commitment required for marriage.

[complicatedlife]

I believe it's not that being married makes it special, it is that it was special and therefore you got married. If it's not that special it won't go 'all the way' most of the time.

 

There is a huge difference in investment between moving your toothbrush and making the sort of commitment required for marriage.

 

 

May I ask what is the difference in investment between a married couple of 50 years versus a non-married/cohabitating couple of 50 years?

[clv0116]

May I ask what is the difference in investment between a married couple of 50 years versus a non-married/cohabitating couple of 50 years?

 

I'd guess it's a lot less likely that an unmarried couple will celebrate 50 years together than a married couple. Feel free to refute that with statistics.

 

I find that the vast majority of people who insist marriage is meaningless are unmarried and fall into one of several categories:

 

• Women who are unable to secure a proposal from their current partner
• Men who for whatever reason are against the commitment that comes with marriage
• People who have a history of one or more failed marriages

 

They are emotionally invested for whatever reason in bolstering the concept that marriage is meaningless. You don't see very many dewy eyed 20 year old women hoping on hope that their prince charming will come and ask her to cohabitate for 50 years.

[complicatedlife]

"God and everyone" is a colloquial expression meaning to broadcast something publicly and widely. To make well known.

 

 

I wasn't aware that you were using it as a colloquial expression.

 

Ok, so marriage is different because it is done in public and widely? Interesting.

[pkn06002]

You don't see very many dewy eyed 20 year old women hoping on hope that their prince charming will come and ask her to cohabitate for 50 years.

 

Well maybe if society did not push that the idea was all so "special" they would. Maybe the stress needs to be on finding the right relationship not on the concept of marriage.

[complicatedlife]

Moving your toothbrush permanently.

 

You are funny!

 

Funny how so many of these oh, so "special" relationships end in divorce.

 

Exactly. And trust me, I know from personal experience that a relationship, married or not, is what you and your partner make it.

[complicatedlife]

well maybe if society did not push that the idea was all so "special" they would. Maybe the stress needs to be on finding the right relationship not on the concept of marriage.

 

sustained!

[clv0116]

Well maybe if society did not push that the idea was all so "special" they would. Maybe the stress needs to be on finding the right relationship not on the concept of marriage.

 

Man or woman? Been married before? Divorced now?

 

 

Exactly. And trust me, I know from personal experience that a relationship, married or not, is what you and your partner make it.

 

How about you? Man or woman? Been married before? Divorced now?

[complicatedlife]

I'd guess it's a lot less likely that an unmarried couple will celebrate 50 years together than a married couple. Feel free to refute that with statistics.

 

I find that the vast majority of people who insist marriage is meaningless are unmarried and fall into one of several categories:

 

• Women who are unable to secure a proposal from their current partner
  
• Men who for whatever reason are against the commitment that comes with marriage
  
• People who have a history of one or more failed marriages
  

They are emotionally invested for whatever reason in bolstering the concept that marriage is meaningless. You don't see very many dewy eyed 20 year old women hoping on hope that their prince charming will come and ask her to cohabitate for 50 years.

 

I can't speak as I would like to as this is a public forum, but my family is from a country where - not so much now, but people my parents' age and older - about 50% of couples didn't get married. The ceremony part was sometimes too expensive, so they didn't bother with the formality and it was accepted that since they lived together and had a family that they were indeed married. As my mom and dad says, "A wedding in those days was all about show."

 

So while that may not be considered the norm in this country, it certainly has been and is a way that many couples choose to live. I wish one of those older couples, married for 50 years with 8 kids could speak up on this thread...

[complicatedlife]

Man or woman? Been married before? Divorced now?

 

 

 

 

How about you? Man or woman? Been married before? Divorced now?

 

Lovely female. Mid to late 30's. Didn't want to say on here, but what the hell - was married once for several years (yes, divorced), and did cohabitate once for several years as well. So I know BOTH sides.

[complicatedlife]

As if a couple of 50 years with children, celebrating holidays and such, going on vacation together, attending school functions and conferences, watching their own children get married (or not), enjoying their grand children is done in hiding.

 

Living with someone and raising a family is done in hiding? I am not following the rationale.

[clv0116]

I can't speak as I would like to as this is a public forum, but my family is from a country where - not so much now, but people my parents' age and older - about 50% of couples didn't get married. The ceremony part was sometimes too expensive, so they didn't bother with the formality and it was accepted that since they lived together and had a family that they were indeed married.

 

This is true in many places and times. Indeed in some places the groom walking the bride to his home in public view was the marriage ceremony. It doesn't make them any less married simply because the legal or traditional process is different.

 

What makes marriage different is that the people involved are socially considered married, they have committed publicly and in the socially accepted manner that they are a couple, whereas people who cohabitate have not done so.

[pkn06002]

Man or woman? Been married before? Divorced now?

 

Man

Married

Thinking more and more of divorce.

[clv0116]

So we've got 2 divorced women and an unhappily married man trying to convince themselves marriage is meaningless. I'd be thrilled to be right if it wasn't so damn routine by now.

 

Maybe a more interesting discussion would be "Why is it so important for you to tear down the institution of marriage in a public forum?"

[marlena]

In fact every woman I've ever interacted with who was not focussed on getting married has had at least one bad marriage behind her. Perhaps they are bitter over the whole thing, who knows?

 

 

Or wiser perhaps? And enjoying their freedom to do as they please, when they please and if they please.

[clv0116]

Or wiser perhaps? And enjoying their freedom to do as they please, when they please and if they please.

 

Shall I make it 3 divorced women and an unhappily married man?

[pkn06002]

So we've got 2 divorced women and an unhappily married man trying to convince themselves marriage is meaningless. I'd be thrilled to be right if it wasn't so damn routine by now.

 

Maybe a more interesting discussion would be "Why is it so important for you to tear down the institution of marriage in a public forum?"

 

Where have I tried to tear down the institution of marriage?

 

Is there a private one I can do that in?

 

What is so "special" about marriage that makes it unlike any other relationship? You have not really given an answer to that question other than the promise of commitment. That does not change the emotional dynamics of a relationship.