Why is marriage considered different than other relationships?

[marlena]

Shall I make it 3 divorced women and an unhappily married man?

 

I am divorced and thrilled to be so. Best time of my life. As for marriage, it's a trap, JMO... a dying institution, one that has been proven a failure. Just look at the divorce stats. And that doesn't include miserable marriages that are so abundant.

 

Still, I guess it's worth trying it once even if it's only to reach your own conclusions. The few people who are happily married would most likely be happy anyway with or without the paper.

[Lizzie60]

I agree.. marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper that says BS... (pun intended)

[complicatedlife]

So we've got 2 divorced women and an unhappily married man trying to convince themselves marriage is meaningless. I'd be thrilled to be right if it wasn't so damn routine by now.

 

Maybe a more interesting discussion would be "Why is it so important for you to tear down the institution of marriage in a public forum?"

 

I am defending those who choose to NOT get married. Marriage can be a good thing. I have done both and find good and bad things in both situations - marriage and cohabitation. Would I get married again? Sure. But I'd certainly cohabitate, too.

 

Relationships should not be based on what is socially acceptable - it involves only 2 people,and they know better than us whether marriage is right or wrong for them, based on their own values; I am not imposing my value system on anyone.

[marlena]

I agree.. marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper that says BS... (pun intended)

 

Haha! That's a good one, Lizzie!

[complicatedlife]

Where have I tried to tear down the institution of marriage?

 

Is there a private one I can do that in?

 

What is so "special" about marriage that makes it unlike any other relationship? You have not really given an answer to that question other than the promise of commitment. That does not change the emotional dynamics of a relationship.

 

Exactly. I'd be interested in an honest and straightforward answer.

[complicatedlife]

The few people who are happily married would most likely be happy anyway with or without the paper.

 

Profound statement right there. Really!!

[Trialbyfire]

You know as I read through the threads here on LS something popped into my head.

 

Why is a marriage considered so different than other relationships? You read thread after thread of how people (like me) lose that love, passion, desire for their spouse. Which in a normal (pre-marriage) relationship would be a signal that you move on. But divorce is ugly so people cheat or just stay and are unhappy.

 

I know you see those "special" couples that are that perfect match that last forever, but those seem more like the exception than the rule.

 

But why is marriage supposed to be so much different?

Marriage is for people who believe in it. After my divorce, I wasn't certain I wanted to do it again but still believed in marriage. Now that I've met someone worth getting married to, I'm going to do it again.

 

Plse, plse, don't get married if you don't believe in it or don't view it as the highest commitment that two people can give each other. If you feel in the least bit, that you have problems honouring commitment, DON'T DO IT!

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know as I read through the threads here on LS something popped into my head.

 

Why is a marriage considered so different than other relationships? You read thread after thread of how people (like me) lose that love, passion, desire for their spouse. Which in a normal (pre-marriage) relationship would be a signal that you move on. But divorce is ugly so people cheat or just stay and are unhappy.

 

I know you see those "special" couples that are that perfect match that last forever, but those seem more like the exception than the rule.

 

But why is marriage supposed to be so much different?

 

Um hello it's marriage!!!!!!

 

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN SOMETHING!!!

[complicatedlife]

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN SOMETHING!!!

 

Yes, but he was asking "why" to your statement.

[pkn06002]

Um hello it's marriage!!!!!!

 

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN SOMETHING!!!

 

Which IS????????

 

Tell me why marriage is so "special" that love, passion, desire, etc.... is not supposed to fade like it does in a pre-marriage relationship?

 

I will admit I am cynical now and look at marriage more in the pre-20th century mod of it is a business transaction. It is for wealth, position, family and children.

[Trialbyfire]

Which IS????????

 

Tell me why marriage is so "special" that love, passion, desire, etc.... is not supposed to fade like it does in a pre-marriage relationship?

 

I will admit I am cynical now and look at marriage more in the pre-20th century mod of it is a business transaction. It is for wealth, position, family and children.

What is so special about "love", "passion" or "desire"? It's impossible to mass define it to every person. You either believe in it or not.

[Woggle]

It's not for everybody but it has to mean something if certain people are fighting so hard for the right to do it.

[norajane]

It's a legal, social and personal commitment.

 

You read thread after thread of how people (like me) lose that love, passion, desire for their spouse. Which in a normal (pre-marriage) relationship would be a signal that you move on.

That's precisely the difference. People in non-marital relationships may see adversity as a signal to move on. People who choose to marry see adversity as something to work on together and overcome because they are fully committed to spending their lives together, come what may.

 

If they start to lose passion and desire, they don't just give up and walk away. They have much more invested in each other and in their lives together to just walk away. They take a harder look at their marriage and work on reconnecting with their spouse because they love them deeply even though the desire waxes and wanes over the course of a lifetime.

 

Of course you can have that level of commitment without the legal marriage license. But the people who have attained that level of commitment to each other in their relationships are most like the ones who choose to marry and formalize that commitment in society and legally.

[Trialbyfire]

I think we all believe in love, passion, and desire. Most of us simply believe you can have it without the preacher and the state.

No, not everyone believes in love, or has known passion and desire.

 

For that matter, I can bet without even thinking about it, that the love I feel for my fiancé, is different than what you feel for your man.

 

Neither is right or wrong. It just is.

[norajane]

Which IS????????

 

Tell me why marriage is so "special" that love, passion, desire, etc.... is not supposed to fade like it does in a pre-marriage relationship?

 

I will admit I am cynical now and look at marriage more in the pre-20th century mod of it is a business transaction. It is for wealth, position, family and children.

 

Who told you it's "not supposed to" fade?

 

I think most long-term married people would tell you that passion and desire ebbs and flows over time. You have to fuel it and nurture it. It's love that does not fade. But passion? Geez, you have a bad week at work and the kids screaming and yeah, you're not necessarily going to feel all sexy or interested in passion as much as a good night's sleep.

[Woggle]

Those who are fighting for it probably are because they want to share things such as health insurance, etc. just like hetero couples who are married.

 

Then why won't they settle for civil unions?

[norajane]

Like the example of the 48 year relationship sans the ceremony, or any other couples who have been together forever but not married?

 

Believe me, it would be much more difficult to walk away from a good relationship without marriage than a lousy one WITH marriage. I know. Been there.

 

You must have missed the part where I said this:

 

Of course you can have that level of commitment without the legal marriage license

[complicatedlife]

Which can CERTAINLY be given between two people without a disinterested third party (the preacher) getting paid to perform a ritual.

 

 

That's the part I don't get - how is one MORE committed? I was no less committed to my cohabitating partner than my ex-husband. Matter of fact, when we had problems, we went to counseling - certainly didn't do that in my marriage.

[GorillaTheater]

For me, marriage is the ultimate commitment between two people. Sure, there are alot of people who fail to take their vows seriously, but that reflects far more on them than the institution.

 

Don't want to get married? Then don't, no problem.

[GorillaTheater]

That's the part I don't get - how is one MORE committed?

 

In my case, it was because of the vows I made. Absent those, I'd probably be more likely to walk when things got tough.

[pkn06002]

It's a legal, social and personal commitment.

 

That's precisely the difference. People in non-marital relationships may see adversity as a signal to move on. People who choose to marry see adversity as something to work on together and overcome because they are fully committed to spending their lives together, come what may.

 

If they start to lose passion and desire, they don't just give up and walk away. They have much more invested in each other and in their lives together to just walk away. They take a harder look at their marriage and work on reconnecting with their spouse because they love them deeply even though the desire waxes and wanes over the course of a lifetime.

 

Of course you can have that level of commitment without the legal marriage license. But the people who have attained that level of commitment to each other in their relationships are most like the ones who choose to marry and formalize that commitment in society and legally.

 

This is an interesting answer.

[complicatedlife]

In my case, it was because of the vows I made. Absent those, I'd probably be more likely to walk when things got tough.

 

And that's ok - but FOR ME, I was committed and less likely to walk away frommy marriage and my cohabitating partner because of the relationship - it had no bearing on whether I was married or not. I don't think some are understanding this concept: you can have the exact same sentiment in a relationship that does not involve marriage. I have already given a few examples of this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Which IS????????

 

Tell me why marriage is so "special" that love, passion, desire, etc.... is not supposed to fade like it does in a pre-marriage relationship?

 

I will admit I am cynical now and look at marriage more in the pre-20th century mod of it is a business transaction. It is for wealth, position, family and children.

 

Ok well the way I see it, marriage is supposed to be the bond solidifed between two people who their belief in they will stay together forever, by speaking their vows and promising under god.

 

...Now in this day and age it's okay to be skeptical because our beliefs systems are not the same anymore, human beings are selfish , self destructive and very cruel by nature, but there are good qualities to us all, that is why people still want to get married because we still believe.

 

If you dont believe in marriage, then fine dont believe in it. but marriage is hard work, it isnt gonna fall in place and stay that way, both people have to know there are gonna be trials and tribulations that are gonna pop up, how they deal with them, is up to them.

[complicatedlife]

It's a legal, social and personal commitment.

 

I agree with this. The only difference in a relationship that is not a marital one is the legal aspect, but even in that case, there are states (such as NY) that allow domestic partnership registration.

 

That's precisely the difference. People in non-marital relationships may see adversity as a signal to move on. People who choose to marry see adversity as something to work on together and overcome because they are fully committed to spending their lives together, come what may.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but adversity/problems would just make me work harder at my relationship - married or not.

 

Of course you can have that level of commitment without the legal marriage license.

This has been one point I've been trying to make.

But the people who have attained that level of commitment to each other in their relationships are most like the ones who choose to marry and formalize that commitment in society and legally.

Hmmm....sometimes, but not always.

[GorillaTheater]

And that's ok - but FOR ME, I was committed and less likely to walk away frommy marriage and my cohabitating partner because of the relationship - it had no bearing on whether I was married or not. I don't think some are understanding this concept: you can have the exact same sentiment in a relationship that does not involve marriage. I have already given a few examples of this.

 

Sure, I understand completely. I imagine that there are alot of people who can commit equally regardless of marriage. Speaking just for myself, the verbal vows I made probably made a difference. I think marriage is an institution bordering on sacred, but I have no problem with people who don't see the point in it.