Why is marriage considered different than other relationships?

[Holding-On]

I agree with Carhill and Clv006

 

It is a very defined, legally binding and inheritantly more committed situation.

 

I'll just say that if my husband had asked me to move across the country to live with him my answer would have been no. I would not up and leave my job, family and friends for a common law marriage.

 

The man had shown his committment to me many times over so I did not doubt his love, desire and devotion to me AT THAT TIME in his life. However, his desire to marry me clearly defined his commitment to make the emotional and financial investment extremely long term.

 

There have been a few times the thought of the hassle of a divorce and the vow taken has kept us together to see another day.

 

And while some people say otherwise, for me, it has made me pull a lot deeper into myself grow more spiritually and give more of myself and change. If I had been only shacked up I would have been out of there a few times when the going was rough. Especially in the beginning before kids. I do not like compromising myself too much. When I was engaged, living with the man and the wedding day approached, I looked deep and decided no. The shacking up had no committment to me whatsoever. It was just being roommates with benefits.

 

My spoken word has some meaning to me. I had told my fiance yes. However making a vow in front of many people who I love and cherish is a much higher level all together. That vow I have not broken.

(yet - I recognize I am quite fallible and he might divorce me after all!)

[Holding-On]

Edit: In case the above story is not clear... I was engaged when I was young. This is what I meant by my fiance that I lived with. I did not mean my husband during the brief time we were engaged.

[clv0116]

.... making a vow in front of many people who I love and cherish is a much higher level all together.

 

I agree to a point with the people who say the 'piece of paper' is meaningless, but the problem is that getting married is NOT just or even mostly about a piece of paper. In some places and times they don't even have paper. Getting married is the final and deepest place a relationship can go. Not all relationships need it, not all will ever get there and for sure some go there that shouldn't, but that doesn't change what marriage is.

 

In places that don't do arranged marriages it goes something like this:

 

1. Boy and girl meet.
2. The first date.
3. More dating.
4. They decide to see each other exclusively.
5. They may decide to cohabitate.
6. They may decide to cohabitate as husband and wife.

 

Now just because they only get to the exclusive dating stage before ending it doesn't make it any less real. Or if they stick at the cohabitation stage, that's fine too. Some couples skip steps, for instance I'll never shack up without marriage. It's up to the couple. However, it's pretty universal that if the couple are at the place where they are exclusive and one or both decide it would be good to "see other people", that transition is a step backwards for their relationship. Similarly, if a couple decided to divorce and go back to just cohabitation, or exclusive dating, those are regressions in that relationship. It's delusional to say otherwise.

 

I'm not saying that everyone should strive for marriage, all I'm saying is that if the relationship can bear it it's the final and highest form of commitment any given two people can express to each other.

[Woggle]

Many people tend to like their ceremonies and rituals. A wedding is just like a graduation or a bar mitzfah or a communion. It represents a milestone.

[pkn06002]

So after all of this discussion it goes down to there is NOTHING emotionally special that makes marriage different than any other relationship. There is NOTHING special in marriage that keeps love, desire, respect etc... alive.

 

What we have in marriage is a social and legal contract that is so painful to get out of that people just work to keep it going.

[pkn06002]

Yup. Because they feel TRAPPED. How special is that?

 

Oh it is very special let me tell you.

 

See that is one of the reasons I started this thread. You read over and over how marriage can be so special is just takes doing the "hard work" and following this plan or that plan. But if marriage is supposed to be so "special" why does it need work, shouldn't the whole concept of marriage be that much different that any other relationship that "hard work" is not needed.

 

Instead you get a feeling of being trapped with no options but to try and work on it since the alternatives are piss poor.

[Kasan]

Oh it is very special let me tell you.

 

See that is one of the reasons I started this thread. You read over and over how marriage can be so special is just takes doing the "hard work" and following this plan or that plan. But if marriage is supposed to be so "special" why does it need work, shouldn't the whole concept of marriage be that much different that any other relationship that "hard work" is not needed.

 

Instead you get a feeling of being trapped with no options but to try and work on it since the alternatives are piss poor.

 

Marriage and any long term relationship is "hard work." How could it not be? You are two totally different people bringing special skills and baggage to the table.

 

But somewhere amidst all that difference and baggage is the knowledge that you are in it for the long haul. No matter how wonderful or difficult the relationship can get. It's just something you inherently know. He brings out the best in me, and I do the same for him.

 

I don't feel trapped in my 30+ years of marriage, and I don't think he does. But, we still work at it, sometimes really hard.

[Kasan]

And married or no, would you still be together and work at it?

 

My point is, the RELATIONSHIP is what makes it all work; not the fact that someone has it on paper.

 

Of course, I think I said that back in post #71.

 

I agree it's not about a piece of paper.

[clv0116]

Oh it is very special let me tell you.

 

If you want someone to say it's OK to abandon your vows, well there are no shortage of those people, I'm sure you can get plenty of that. I just think it's silly to pretend marriage is pointless and has no meaning.

[pkn06002]

If you want someone to say it's OK to abandon your vows, well there are no shortage of those people, I'm sure you can get plenty of that. I just think it's silly to pretend marriage is pointless and has no meaning.

 

Look if you like marriage all the power too you.

 

Putting faith in vows is silly to me, and very childish.

"But you promised!!!!" (with a foot stomp)

 

Marriage has NO MEANING if the underlying relationship is CRAP! At that point it is a legal arrangement nothing more.

[clv0116]

Marriage has NO MEANING if the underlying relationship is CRAP! At that point it is a legal arrangement nothing more.

 

If you're saying some couples or even some people shouldn't get married, I wholeheartedly agree. If you're saying that marriage is not the highest form of commitment a couple can enter into, you're wrong.

[jj33]

I think the point is its a legal committment and noone can legally force you to make the emotoinal committment. There are spiritual committments but being happy in your marriage isnt one of them thus PKN's point.

[pkn06002]

If you're saying some couples or even some people shouldn't get married, I wholeheartedly agree. If you're saying that marriage is not the highest form of commitment a couple can enter into, you're wrong.

 

Yes it is the highest commitment since it has the most penalties to it get out of it. Yet what does our society push that this is the end goal.

 

It's a commitment that should NOT have a LEGAL contract tied to it. If it does that contract should have a sunset provision that forces it to be renewed.

 

 

jj33: YES!!!!! That is what I have been trying to say.

[clv0116]

Yes it is the highest commitment since it has the most penalties to it get out of it.

 

And you want to get out without feeling guilty. I get it. You seem to want to shift blame for your failed or failing relationship onto the institution of marriage. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

[pkn06002]

And you want to get out without feeling guilty. I get it. You seem to want to shift blame for your failed or failing relationship onto the institution of marriage. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

 

Well I hate to tell you this but your wrong.

 

This is a general discussion as to why marriage is supposed to be emotionally different than any other relationship. Your supposed to WANT to have sex, spend time, enjoy the company of etc.. etc... of your spouse because your married. Which in short seems to be just a BIG LIE.

 

You have shown nothing as to why marriage is supposed to be this emotional paradise that we all are told to strive for. All I see here and have experienced is just the opposite. It is a way to legally make a union that like any relationship will run it's course but is to painful to terminate it continues.

 

Seems like you like the idea of marriage for the sake of marriage itself.

[complicatedlife]

You have shown nothing as to why marriage is supposed to be this emotional paradise that we all are told to strive for.

 

That's what I was looking for - the emotional advantage. Noone seems to believe that there is one.

[clv0116]

Your supposed to WANT to have sex, spend time, enjoy the company of etc.. etc... of your spouse because your married. Which in short seems to be just a BIG LIE.

 

I think you got that backwards there Jasper.

[complicatedlife]

I think the point is its a legal committment and noone can legally force you to make the emotoinal committment. There are spiritual committments but being happy in your marriage isnt one of them thus PKN's point.

 

Exactly.

 

But, I think we should look at this "commitment" word. I don't know if anyone here knows about Rusbult, she's a social psychologist who studies behavior as it relates specifically to relationships, but commitment is defined as an individual’s intent to maintain a relationship and to remain psychologically attached to it. Commitment also has three processes: satisfaction level, quality of alternatives, and investment size. If you read the detail in this commitment process, none of the processes included marriage as a form of commitment. If interested, google Rusbult’s Investment Model of Commitment.

[complicatedlife]

The only advantage seems to lie in the fact that you have your partner trapped so it's more difficult to bail if they decide you're an arrogant jerk - or whatever.

 

The basis of it, I may have mentioned before, was initially to protect men and their assets. Now it seems to be a "comfort" to women - they think a man won't leave them if he marries them. But I don't want someone to be obligated to me for any reason other than his love and his choice. There is nothing wrong with marriage - it can be a good thing. The problem is when an individual's own personal opinion is that it is an advantage over all other relationships and "trumps" all relationships, and then when you don't agree with that, you are wrong. I don't get that. We are wrong because he SAYS we are?

[pkn06002]

I think you got that backwards there Jasper.

 

Really sport???

 

Let's here how I have that backwards.

[complicatedlife]

Really sport???

 

Let's here how I have that backwards.

 

He's going to say that you get married BECAUSE you want to have sex with, enjoy the company of, yada yada the man or woman in question. Predictable.

[clv0116]

Really sport???

 

Let's here how I have that backwards.

 

OK, I'll let you "here" it.

 

 

 

Your supposed to WANT to have sex, spend time, enjoy the company of etc.. etc... of your spouse because your married.

 

You're supposed to get married because you WANT to have sex, spend time, enjoy the company of your spouse, forever.

 

 

 

He's going to say that you get married BECAUSE you want to have sex with, enjoy the company of, yada yada the man or woman in question. Predictable.

 

I would have thought so but apparently it needs spelled out.

[complicatedlife]

OK, I'll let you "here" it.

 

What a cheap shot. So, what, it's "hear". What are you - the spelling and grammar police?

 

I would have thought so but apparently it needs spelled out.

 

Last I heard, one doesn't have to be married to do any one of are all of those things.

[complicatedlife]

I would have thought so but apparently it needs spelled out.

 

Last I heard, one doesn't have to be married to do any one of OR all of those things.

[complicatedlife]

And THIS from a married person, which he is NOT, nor has he EVER been.

 

This is quite an interesting fact......