Separation and breakdown!

[LisaUk]

I feel like $hit, thats for sure, going to get my stuff on Sat, from a place that was mine and my ex fiances, very sad, if you read the post under break ups I think, the one I posted a few minutes ago will explain a little. Doesnt seem like too many people really understand. All the empty promises etc, HORRIBLE!! Be careful to treat yourself right though, ya know take care of yourself...know what I mean? My heart REALLY goes out to you.

 

 

Hi, I am having a bit of trouble finding your thread on the other board. You say your situation is similar to mine, I first posted on a different board, as we were never acytually married, although I felt as if we were. People were really helpful, but they were talking about break ups with GF BF's of a year or so, not living together, emotionally and mentally committed to spending your life with them etc. Although they gave me some great advice and insight, I have found the people on here understand how I am feeling much more. They get it, perhaps you would be better posting here. Derek, sorry to hijack your thread!

[tojaz]

Tonight the wife called and I kept it down to just a couple of minutes. Remember, on Tuesday she called and I told I had to go and she was suprised. She didn't call on Wednesday but tonight she did. I kept it short and she asked me where I was and who I was with. I told her I was in town. Then she asked where, and I said I was at a bar. Then she asked which one I was at. She asked me if something was wrong and I said, "no, everythings great." I asked her if she wanted anything and she said no she just wanted to say "hi." Then she told me she was going to call tomorrow and I said "Yeah, you can say good night to the kids." After that I said "I'll see ya later," and hung up. No goodnight, no miss you, and NO I love you. I bet shes starting to think. If she really wanted to end it she wouldn't call at all and this would be her way out. I don't call her and she always calls me. I felt good after that. I felt empowered!

I still love the woman I married, but I don't love the girl on the other end of the phone.

Goodnight Tojaz, LisaUK, Sufferin_Succotash, hopesndreams, broken hearted, Mark982, Lupa, Gunny376...oh yeah, good night John Boy!

 

I'm clapping as loud as I can, can you hear me down in Bloomington? That a boy!!! Keep it up.

 

OnMyOwn, please post here if you think it will help more, I'll keep an eye out.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Tonight the wife called and I kept it down to just a couple of minutes. Remember, on Tuesday she called and I told I had to go and she was suprised. She didn't call on Wednesday but tonight she did. I kept it short and she asked me where I was and who I was with. I told her I was in town. Then she asked where, and I said I was at a bar. Then she asked which one I was at. She asked me if something was wrong and I said, "no, everythings great." I asked her if she wanted anything and she said no she just wanted to say "hi." Then she told me she was going to call tomorrow and I said "Yeah, you can say good night to the kids." After that I said "I'll see ya later," and hung up. No goodnight, no miss you, and NO I love you. I bet shes starting to think. If she really wanted to end it she wouldn't call at all and this would be her way out. I don't call her and she always calls me. I felt good after that. I felt empowered!

I still love the woman I married, but I don't love the girl on the other end of the phone.

Goodnight Tojaz, LisaUK, Sufferin_Succotash, hopesndreams, broken hearted, Mark982, Lupa, Gunny376...oh yeah, good night John Boy!

 

LOL "john boy"

Derek, you are doing the right thing, there is no more you can do, only NC will make her see what she is throwing away, if she is going to. I know it goes against everything you want to do, but the more you tell her you love her and try to reason with her the more she will pull away. I pushed and pushed and PUSHED after my fiance left, where am I? I'm back living with my parents, 200 miles away, no job, all the legals done.

 

Gunny is right by the way, get your house cleaned, you don't want your wife turning up with the kids and seeing that devastation, nor your children. Make it sparkle, you will probaly find that housework gives you a good work out and will make you feel as if you have a good cleanse, if that makes sense. There is a sense of fulfillment to taking care of your home, a pride that women seem to get, but men don't! I don't mean to lump you in with my ex (who didn't clean the bathroom once in ten years, even after I had stomach surgery), but it does sound like your letting it slip!

 

I know it's really hard, I had a terrible evening yesterday, I went on a driving lesson (something that usually takes my mind of everything, as I'm trying not to kill myself and my instructor!, and gives me a sense of personal fulfillment). We stopped at a rest stop for a drink and a cig (bad habit, I know, not the best time to quit right now though), all of a sudden I had this image of my ex driving me in the car down to our friends wedding last year, stopping at the rest stop and getting a drink and it just washed over me, a surge of total loss and hurt. God, it hurt so bad, I had the knowledge that I would NEVER have a cup of tea with him again, never see or speak to him again. My first thought, call him. Thank God I posted on here and everyone stopped me. It would have achieved nothing, he's not interested anymore. All it would have done is cause me more hurt and pain. Going NC is the right thing to do, but I do apprecaite how hard it is when you just want them back snuggled up with you on the couch.

 

Don't give up Derek, we are here for you, keep posting.

[LisaUk]

Hi Derek,

Can you both read ( LISAUK ) "Trading one engagement for another". I know first hand the pain both of you have endured, and frankly dont understand how people treat people like that and rest easy at night, it really baffles me ya know? My sistuation was a lot like Lisa's in the back and forth and some explainations that sounded just like a person giving up. Why have ppl become so disposable these days? OP, It does sound a bit manipulative to get you to do what she wants, a marriage/relationship is a 2 way street, your feelings count too!!!

 

Hi, what is trading one engagement for another? thanks.

[Derek12b]

Well, I picked up the kids and I've noticed that one of my weakest moments is right after I pick my kids up from daycare. I get very depressed when I see them and how much they've changed in a week. I think about that time that's been stolen from me and realize I'll never get it back. Sometimes I'm so strong and other times I'm so weak. I hate what this girl has done to our family and...hell, I just hate the whole thing. She said last night she would call tonight but she hasent. I'm typing this on my Blackberry so its hard to see if its all correct. There's just nothing left of this marriage and I'm just not sure if she's worth it. I'm confused, hurt, and mad as hell. I wish my life was normal again and my kids came home every night. This will never happen again I think. I need to go and change a diaper. Good night all and godd luck.

[tojaz]

Hang in there Derek, evrything seems hopeless when we are at our weakest. Wife just started moving her stuff out today, man that hurts. Never thought an empty dresser could do so much damage. Focus on your kids, be strong for them. As hard as this is for you, it's much worse for them. That strength will not only help them through this, but teach them to be stronger for themselves in the future. Better they get life lessons from you rather then from her right now.

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

How long should I do this? How long should I do the NC/LC thing? Should i just go down and file for a divorce? My kids are sleeping in the other room and my wifes out on the town somewhere, apparently not thinking about her family, kids, or marriage. Someone please give me some advice on what to do here. Am I haveing an anxiety attack? I don't know. Tomorrow, or maybe tonight, after a beer or two I'll post the whole thing. The story of my whole relationship. I read lots of peoples posts and I feel so much pain for them because it matches mine that I can't even reply back to most of them I just read them. Its been 4 months and a couple of days. Ill post in a beer or two.

[Gunny376]

First off!

Kids in house! = No alcohol! No drugs!

 

PERIOD! :mad::mad::mad::mad:

 

What if you had to take one to the ER in the middle of night?

 

GOT THAT! DON'T FORGET IT!

[Gunny376]

With that said, I apolgize if I came down too hard on you, but seriously if you've got kids in the home you shouldn't be drinking! They're young and innocent and depending upon you!, and from the sound of it?

 

All they've got in this world!

[Gunny376]

How long should I do this? How long should I do the NC/LC thing? Should i just go down and file for a divorce? My kids are sleeping in the other room and my wifes out on the town somewhere, apparently not thinking about her family, kids, or marriage. Someone please give me some advice on what to do here. Am I haveing an anxiety attack? I don't know. Tomorrow, or maybe tonight, after a beer or two I'll post the whole thing. The story of my whole relationship. I read lots of peoples posts and I feel so much pain for them because it matches mine that I can't even reply back to most of them I just read them. Its been 4 months and a couple of days. Ill post in a beer or two.

 

If someone was pointing a pistol at my head?

 

I'd tell them to get her done!

 

Why suffer the misery of anticipation?

 

One thing I won't do?

 

Is beg someone to let me love them, nor beg them to love me!

 

I'm a good man! I know that!

 

I've a lot to offer a good woman!

 

More than most women have to offer me.

 

Most women have only a couple of things to offer any man, and I'll be damned if I will be a slave to that!

[ON MY OWN]

Hi, I am having a bit of trouble finding your thread on the other board. You say your situation is similar to mine, I first posted on a different board, as we were never acytually married, although I felt as if we were. People were really helpful, but they were talking about break ups with GF BF's of a year or so, not living together, emotionally and mentally committed to spending your life with them etc. Although they gave me some great advice and insight, I have found the people on here understand how I am feeling much more. They get it, perhaps you would be better posting here. Derek, sorry to hijack your thread!

under breaks/breaking up "Trading one engagement for another". Sorry /derek, Thanks and have a great weekend, Id like for you to read the thread also please. I am in hotel going to get my stuff out of the place we called our home tomorrow, am extremely sad about him. Thanks guys.

[ON MY OWN]

How long should I do this? How long should I do the NC/LC thing? Should i just go down and file for a divorce? My kids are sleeping in the other room and my wifes out on the town somewhere, apparently not thinking about her family, kids, or marriage. Someone please give me some advice on what to do here. Am I haveing an anxiety attack? I don't know. Tomorrow, or maybe tonight, after a beer or two I'll post the whole thing. The story of my whole relationship. I read lots of peoples posts and I feel so much pain for them because it matches mine that I can't even reply back to most of them I just read them. Its been 4 months and a couple of days. Ill post in a beer or two.

I would like to hear Derek. I am going to pick up the pieces of my heart tomorrow. Think of me. I feel the same as you, I read and feel like there are a lot of people in similar situations and on one hand feel comfort and on the other hand I feel disgusted that people treat people like this and begin to lose the hope and faith I had so strongly a few months back. Stay strong and post everything Id love to post on it. Have a beer for my broken heart....thanks....hugs..

[Derek12b]

I have a 6 pack in the fridge and I've had 2 beers in 3 hours. I'm not setting around getting hammered, or buzzed. I understand your concern with some of my posts, but this is not the case though. Drugs just don't happen here.

So your saying why wait and just file? I pushed her for 4 months and just in the last four or five days have I started to pull away. Man, I just hate to look at this with such finality and not putting up the best fight I can.

[Gunny376]

I understand my man!

 

But!

 

Children and alcohol don't mix!

 

Period!

 

End of conversation!

 

Especially young children!

 

Believe me, I understand the pain your going through!

 

I do!

 

Been on my knees crying my ever loving eyes out!

 

Begging before God!

 

Been there and done that!

 

Got the poster, the coffee cup, the beer mug!

 

Just saying when you've got the kids!

 

No drinking!

 

PERIOD!

[Derek12b]

Understood!

 

Gunny I wanted you to hollar at me to NOT file. I really think I need to let this NC/LC thing have a chance to work. I really do think my wife is having a hard time right now trying to find herself.

My wife has a teaching degree I.U. and now she is jobless and living at her moms. She has no idea of what she wants to do for a living and teaching is apparently not it because she quit her teaching job because she hated it. She got a small inheritance when her father passed away a year ago but she tries not to use it, so shes not broke, but shes not working. Shes still taking the kids to daycare which is about 10 miles from our house and she hasent taken them out yet. She lnow lives about 30 miles from here so shes making a long drive that she dosen't have to make but she chooses to. Shes in limbo land. Im just trying to wait for her senses to come back and realize what she has.

[Gunny376]

Its just this plain and simple!

 

It takes two to make it, but only one to break it!

 

Your willing to do everything to make it work?

 

She's not!

 

You've one of two options!

 

File or don't!

 

If you file?

 

One of two things will happen?

 

She'll come running back to you or she won't!

 

If she does?

 

GREAT!

 

If she doesn't?

 

GREAT!

 

You can get on with your life!

 

And for all the pain and heartache you've been through with her will pay dividends!

 

Because the next gal in your life will be asking ~ "Where in tha' Hell have ya' been all my life? I've been looking for you all of my life!"

 

And your answer will be?

 

"Learing how to be the right one for you!"

[Chrome Barracuda]

You gotta make a choice derek, your life is your own!

[tojaz]

I have a 6 pack in the fridge and I've had 2 beers in 3 hours. I'm not setting around getting hammered, or buzzed. I understand your concern with some of my posts, but this is not the case though. Drugs just don't happen here.

So your saying why wait and just file? I pushed her for 4 months and just in the last four or five days have I started to pull away. Man, I just hate to look at this with such finality and not putting up the best fight I can.

 

Derek, don't do the dirty work for her. Talk to a lawyer, get your stuff straight, protect yourself, and let her know that you did, but don't pull the trigger, if she wants out let her do it. If you still want to fight, then fight. When you truly feel that there is nothing worth fighting for, thats when you file.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Hey Derek, how are you this morning? We are both 4 months in this nightmare and feel we'll both be turning that corner soon. How much longer do we have to endure this eh? In my case, I've been putting off the inevitable and it's been very destructive to me physically, mentally and emotionally. How can we allow one person to have such power over us? It's time for me to just put a stop to it, start taking care of myself again and get rid of the man that is causing me so much pain. I have to see him on Monday and I do believe, and hope it will be for the last time. I deserve peace and so do you. When you are mentally prepared for her not coming back, really work on this, then you will know what to do. Try not to put it off much longer though, the only way to end this suffering is to dig it out, by it's roots.

 

I may have rambled here, bit hungover. *shrugs*

[Derek12b]

I need a vacation! Its just that plain and simple. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I was sweating like crazy. I did that same thing right after she left. I need to pull myself together because I know thats the right thing to do but I look at those kids and it all hits me again. If I could clear out my head it would be so much better. I own/operate a communications company and I just can't take that kind of time off. On the weekends I have the kids so I can't even get away for a weekend. I guess I can talk to her about finding a way to do it but I still have the business problem. I just can't leave it for a week or it would go all to hell.

I know this post is very chaotic but I just had to type something...let someone know. Christ, this is killing me. I had a bone disease about 9 years ago and they said at the time, if I did not go through chemo I had 3 months to keep going and that was cake compared to this. The bone disease was Aplastic Anemia and after successful chemo treatment its been in remission for 8 years. That was no problem, but affairs of the heart are a different animal. I never cried when they gave me the info. I just said I'll beat it and thats what I did. I was the boy in the bubble for about 10 months until they let me out of the hospital. That was so much easier then 1 day of this. When will my feelings toward her turn to hate? I hope soon, it'll make it easier.

I'm off to take the kids to the park and go walk some trails with them. Thanks for reading and have a good day.

[LisaUk]

I need a vacation! Its just that plain and simple. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I was sweating like crazy. I did that same thing right after she left. I need to pull myself together because I know thats the right thing to do but I look at those kids and it all hits me again. If I could clear out my head it would be so much better. I own/operate a communications company and I just can't take that kind of time off. On the weekends I have the kids so I can't even get away for a weekend. I guess I can talk to her about finding a way to do it but I still have the business problem. I just can't leave it for a week or it would go all to hell.

I know this post is very chaotic but I just had to type something...let someone know. Christ, this is killing me. I had a bone disease about 9 years ago and they said at the time, if I did not go through chemo I had 3 months to keep going and that was cake compared to this. The bone disease was Aplastic Anemia and after successful chemo treatment its been in remission for 8 years. That was no problem, but affairs of the heart are a different animal. I never cried when they gave me the info. I just said I'll beat it and thats what I did. I was the boy in the bubble for about 10 months until they let me out of the hospital. That was so much easier then 1 day of this. When will my feelings toward her turn to hate? I hope soon, it'll make it easier.

I'm off to take the kids to the park and go walk some trails with them. Thanks for reading and have a good day.

 

Hi Derek, Tojaz's post above is right, don't do the dirty work for her, wait this out. I know it's hard, my ex messed me about for 5 weeks under the same roof, constantly telling me he would marry me, never leave etc. It was HELL, but I tell you what, I would trade the pain I have now, now the legals are done and it's over, for that pain then. Then there was still a chance, now there isn't.

 

I know this is painful and hard for you, stick with it though, if she wants out, make her do it, don't do it for her.

 

I understand the "when will my feelings turn to hate", I feel the same, but hate is not that different to love, you have to care about someone in order to hate them. Hate is just love with anger. What you truley need is to feel indifferent, apathy. How we both get to this point I don't know yet. I wish I did. What I do know is you need to keep going, however hard this is, you need to wait this one out. There is water to go under the bridge yet. Stay strong, keep posting, we are here for you!

[tojaz]

Derek,

This is worse then cancer. Cancer has an explanation, a treatment, and an understaning. What your going through has none of the above. Thats why it's harder, your in the dark. You probably will never hate her, hate the situation, hate what shes done to you, but hate her, probably not. Would you really want to?? Lisa is right, hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is.

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

Today I took the kids to the mall. We walked around and played with toys for hours. When we were done I took them to grab a bite to eat and then we were off to the park. When I pulled up my oldest, Alexis (3) told me she played with Matthew and Mason here at the park and looked for frogs. I had a nervous breakdown today. I took my kids to my parents house because I was not in the right state of mind to keep them for the day. Now, Ill tell you why this was so profound.

The day my wife left, while she was packing her bags, I went to her car and grabbed her phone. There was a message from our neighbor that said, " I hope your ok. I miss you." I confronted her with it and she said he has never done anything like that before. I called my neighbor and WENT OFF!!!!!! She left and that was that. The second week she was gone she told me she was going on vacation with her friend Lisa and would be back Sunday night. She did not return to her moms until Tuesday night and she didn't call but her mom told me when she would be back because I called to talk to the kids. The Wednesday she returned to work I met her there and she had Matts kids in her car. Matt's the Neighbor. My wife was a teacher so she was on her way to the school. I've seen them together another time when I went to get gas on my motorcycle and I came up right behind her car and when I passed her who was in the passenger seat, yep, Matt.

Because I pushed the relationship she fled to safety. Someone to pour her heart out to, the neighbor.

You have to understand that the neighbor is an overweight landscaper that hollars for his kids on the front porch like a hillbilly. his wife left him last year and the guy looks like pigpin. Even when the guys clean he looks dirty. Theres nothing wrong with being overweight or being a landscaper, but my wife and I went to college together and I stay in great shape. I take care of myself and workout. It was such a bomb that was dropped on me today I just died. Instead of being with her family she decided to hang with the fat neighbor. I'm pretty sure theres nothing going on between them but its the pricipal of the thing. Why piss on your own house? How could she ever come back home and do yard work when everytime she goes outside the neighbor is checking out her ass. Thats what I mean when i said she ruined a 30 year fixed mortgage.

What should I do? I'll have to see her tomorrow to hand the kids off. I held my kids so tight today and apologized. I just cried and kept saying I'm sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. I'm not in a good place right now, mentally. I jus need to ask her what she wants to do, but this is more pushing. I can just let it go because I know nothing is going on physically, but its just so heartbreaking knowing my wife would rather hang out with some lazy bastad and listen to him talk about his goats...and yes, he is lazy. You should see his yard, its littered with trash and broke down ****.

I'm beside myself right now and I bet she'll call tonight because she didn't call last night. I think I should still try the NC/LC thing to see if it works but maybe the damage has been done. I don't know.

[tojaz]

The neighbor? Ouch man, I'll bet your shooting daggers everytime you see him. I know it's imossible but try and but that aside. He's just a symptom, if you still want to put it back together you need to focus on the disease. Your doing the right thing posting, and getting it all out. Don't let on what youve pieced together yet. Letting her know isn't going to help anything.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

" I hope your ok. I miss you."

 

I've read the "I miss you" text off my husbands cell. Those 3 words have meaning and are not to be dismissed. Looks as though she has downgraded and it's not a surprise, most, if not all, affair partners are not that special in the looks or brains department. You can keep telling yourself it's not physical but you would not be feeling as you are now if you really believed it wasn't true.

 

Stick to LC. In fact, don't take her call at all tonight, the last thing you need is to hear her voice. Save your strength for when you see her tomorrow to drop off the kids. When you see her, say hi and bye, and go on your way. You need time to think.

 

his wife left him last year

 

Now, that's something that makes me go Hmmmmmmm.