theaftermath Posted October 12, 2003 Posted October 12, 2003 I found out he cheated 4 months ago, by directly asking one of the ladies he was seeing. (She had no idea that we were still seeing each other, and kept apologizing for her part in the affair. I don't blame any of the women involved for this reason.) He finally admitted to me all of the women he'd been with when he realized that she and I talked, and when he realized that I knew 'something'. (I was coy about what I knew, and needed him to tell me himself.) His explanation was (and still is) that he thought I was 'jerking his chain' about my own commitment to him, and that he truly thought I was leaving him. We had been living together for 17 months, and because we had some problems communicating and trust issues (he had been chatting a great deal and many of the chats were inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship) we agreed that I move out. The objective was to put some safe distance between us so that we could focus on the real issues when we were together instead of compounding them with day-to-day problems. He'd told these women and many of his friends and family that we had 'separated' or were split up. He hadn't said anything of the sort to me. I had no idea that he felt this way, or that he'd told all of these people. He still called me regularly and we often met for coffee to talk, and at least once a week continued to sleep together. We both bought copies of relationship books and compared notes. He told me he was still committed to me as he had been from the time we met. When I felt those uncomfortable 'vibes' coming from him (that many women intuitively feel when their man is not being faithful), he convinced me that there was no one else and that I was the only one he'd been with. I wanted to believe it, but knew that something was not right. He told me that when it finally sunk in that I was fully committed to him, and that I really did want the relationship, he felt terrible about what had happened, and 'vowed that it would never happen again'. He contends that he didn't think we were in a relationship at the time, even though I thought we were, so technically it wasn't really cheating for him during that period yet on looking back he realizes that it was. I was devastated of course, not only by what happened, but by the lies and manipulation as well. I am still trying to sort out my feelings and the facts of the situation. He keeps telling me I am 'living in the past' and that I need to forgive and forget. It's not that simple unfortunately. I wish I could let go and I would give anything to be blissfully ignorant again and to simply trust, but I know it will take some time to heal and build trust between us. I don't know if I am going to be able to marry him...that's where I'm confused. I thought marriage would prevent this kind of thing happening again, but I've been on all sides of the cheating spectrum myself so I know better than that. I have been completely faithful to him, and yes, there are times when I wish I'd known so I could have played the field the way he did, or I want to 'balance the books' so to speak (I told him I feel like I have 3 get-out-of-jail-free cards, one I can use multiple times). But I know that won't help us in the long run, and it's not really something I want to do. I do love him and I know he loves me, despite what has happened. Do any of you think we have a chance in hell??
befuddled1 Posted October 12, 2003 Posted October 12, 2003 First of all, your belief that marriage would keep someone from cheating, that is a load of hogwash. Marriage doesn't do anything of the sort. Your guy's extremely transparent, convenient and LAME excuses for why he's spread his seed around town, they are pathetic. The fact that he told everyone that you 2 were split up/separated, while he was out and about servicing the ladies, when in fact he was acting to you in a way that lead you to believe you were still together, that shows what kind of jerk he is. He's selfish. Plus during that time, you 2 were still having sex once a week (according to your post). Are you sure he didn't give you HIV or some kind of sexually transmitted disease? The odds are definitely there. You should go get yourself checked out. You asked if there's a chance in hell for you 2. Well that depends. If you want to stay with someone who's a compulsive liar, who can't be trusted, who's put your health at risk for diseases, who's able to create creative excuses as to why he cheated on you....well sure you can. Just be prepared for a life of mistrust, tears, playing detective, a lot of hurt, always wondering where he is when he doesn't come home or call, etc. And if you are foolish enough to marry him, and bring children into the mix, then I will pity your children. This guy is scum. Don't be brainwashed by his crap. He's disrespected you in a huge, huge way. You deserve better than that, don't you? His reasoning is the biggest crock of crap I've ever heard....that the reason he screwed around on you, multiple times, with multiple women, is because he wasn't sure of your degree of commitment to him. ROFLMAO. Funny, but very sad. Sad that you wouldn't have told him to get lost right then and there.
Author theaftermath Posted October 12, 2003 Author Posted October 12, 2003 "Are you sure he didn't give you HIV or some kind of sexually transmitted disease? The odds are definitely there. You should go get yourself checked out." Yes, I did get checked and will continue to do so...I'm not stupid by any means.... Thanks for your response....but reminding me of the embarrassing aspect of the whole situation and what it makes me look like doesn't help me at all. I know I look like a fool for staying with him, but I have cheated in my own past, and I know the kinds of things we tell ourselves and other people to justify what we are doing. And aside from the fact that I didn't cheat on him, I have my own faults in this relationship. He thinks I 'nag' and 'complain', and 'overreact' to things that he does. I don't see it that way, i.e. I 'react' rather than 'overreact' for example. But I am distrustful of every little thing he does and question his motives (long before any of this happened), and although I felt I had good reason at the time, I know I was giving him absolutely no room to be himself with me. He felt he had to walk a thin line or on eggshells all the time, and had to cover up crap (no matter how minor) to keep me from getting upset. I'm not apologizing for him or minimizing what happened by any means, but I refuse to appear some naive self-sacrificing pitiful victim either.
befuddled1 Posted October 12, 2003 Posted October 12, 2003 My apologies for not responding in a way you were hoping for. It wasn't my intention to embarass you but if you do feel embarassed, then maybe that's telling you something? "He thinks I 'nag' and 'complain', and 'overreact' to things that he does. I don't see it that way, i.e. I 'react' rather than 'overreact' for example. But I am distrustful of every little thing he does and question his motives (long before any of this happened), and although I felt I had good reason at the time, I know I was giving him absolutely no room to be himself with me. He felt he had to walk a thin line or on eggshells all the time, and had to cover up crap (no matter how minor) to keep me from getting upset." Let me get this straight. He thinks you're a complaining, overreacting nag and you don't agree. Pretty big difference in opinion don't you think? Why don't you just find someone who will not criticize you and accuse you of things you don't think you are. Distrustful of every little thing he does, you question his motives and all of this was long before you found out he cheated? So what on earth are you doing staying involved with a guy you have NO trust for? (whether valid or invalid, though given his slutty behavior, I'd say it was valid) .....who tries to twist things around and call you a nag and complainer? Does this sound like a healthy, loving, mutually satisfying relationship that has promise for a future happy life together? I don't think so. Ask yourself why you would spend 5 minutes of your time with someone you've obviously never trusted. Sounds to me like all you're doing is justifying his behavior, and your inability to trust him. That's definitely your prerogative, but what is it exactly that you've come here to get advice on? You asked if this alleged relationship has a hope in hell, that he wants to marry you....youve asked for our opinions. I've given mine. He sounds like a manipulative cheater who will always cheat, who you admit you've never trusted, you sound like oil and water, 2 completely different people. That's fine and dandy that you yourself have cheated in the past (not on him) and know the excuses cheaters make to try and save their bacon, but what does that really have to do with it? Do you want to invest more of your life (life is short) with someone who cheats and can't be trusted? Is this all what you want for your life......to be with someone you can't trust and never did? If so, then you should seriously get some professional counselling to help you figure out why you think so little of yourself.
Author theaftermath Posted October 12, 2003 Author Posted October 12, 2003 I do understand what you are saying...and no, I am not looking for a specific type of response...I do want yours as well as others' opinions on this, or I wouldn't have posted in the first place.
Iamhappy Posted October 12, 2003 Posted October 12, 2003 The fact that he told everyone that you 2 were split up/separated, while he was out and about servicing the ladies, when in fact he was acting to you in a way that lead you to believe you were still together, that shows what kind of jerk he is. I'm in complete agreement with befuddled. This guy is an a**hole. Honey, he's cheated on you several times and he tried to make it seem like it was your fault. There is something wrong with that picture. This man is selfish to nth degree. He's completely clueless when it comes to being considerate of the feelings of others. You can never have a fulfilling relationship with him because he's too busy taking care of the needs of "me, myself and I." Not only has he proven to you that once a cheater always a cheater, he's shown you that he's incapable of being man enough to own up to and take responsibility for his actions. He's an adult and should behave as such. He needs to get his head on straight and pardon me for saying so, but so do you. He will continue to hurt you if you let him. And if you stay in this long enough, you'll start to think that that's ok. Well, it isn't. Take your self-respect and whatever's left of your dignity and make the commitment to love yourself (since he obviously can't) and leave him.
brashgal Posted October 13, 2003 Posted October 13, 2003 I have recently extricated myself from a similar situation only mine affected the last three years of my marriage. His complaints about your 'nagging, complaining and overreacting' are a smokescreen to try to shift the blame from him to you. He says he can't tell you things and he hides things from you - what basis is this for trust? He feels he is walking on eggshells - my guess is that he doing things he shouldn't be if he was really in a committed relationship. One of the things a therapist had me do was write a past, present and future document chronicling our history and then writing observations of what I would like to see in our relationship currently and in the future. When you see in black and white how many times you have been lied to, or 'misunderstood', it hits you right between the eyes. On the flip side, the present and future might give you some talking points if you do decide you want to work things out. I know I wasted a lot of time questioning, checking up on, 'stalking' - is this the way you want to live your life? I decided I didn't.
Author theaftermath Posted October 14, 2003 Author Posted October 14, 2003 Thank you all for your responses. I have alot of thinking to do....
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