zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 today i woke up! i woke up to the fact that i have two choices in my head pretty much most of the time. one is the ego choice, or that little me, or that defensive person in there, all considered part of the ego.. that tells me not to do most of what i think i should do and does not want me to have fun, love others, help others, openly talk about things, see things from other perspectives, finish things, start things, go places, live my life, stay here, runs away, argues, don't want to do this or that, workout, clean, do favors, help others in need, listen to people with an open mind, and not back down from people and or myself as well, to take a stand to those who i think treat me wrongly or unfairly....etc.. the other one..is that doing the watching of the little ego me.. i have been trying to be present (conscious) in most things but i kept forgetting, i felt like i was doing something wrong, but bits and pieces of it were coming through. well then something clicked and i woke up! i actually heard the voice of the little ego me putting people down, belitting things that were so petty to the higher consciousness of me. this was a really nice awakeneing and has been helping me to be in the prescent more by being able to watch the voice and thoughts of the little me ego. this has made me feel that i have finally arrived somewhere that i have been trying to travel to for many a year.... i have arrived.... anyway...i know i have quite the struggle in me yet..i know the little me is still going to kick up her heels and scream her head off, and want her own way, so that battle will still rage on. but at least now i have "awareness" in me to watch her actions and learn from them, to confront them in her and see what her needs are and help myself make better choices between the two. she may win some and i may win some but in the end it is all a learning and growing experience. this is not just a one day awakening, it has been coming for quite some time now and when i felt ready to give up on the understanding of it all, then it finally made sense and happened!! i can now see how thinking from that little me ego has caused a lot of problems, kept me stuck in pain and hurting and useless confrontations and stuck in a vicious circle of going no where!! now that i have this new eye opening experience to help me deal with things, i am hoping that, no i KNOW that things will get better for me. that at times she will win and i will hear the negative chatter and insults of her, and put down, and telling me i can't achieve even this, or do this or that, but i will have to watch it all as it goes by in my head and not give in and listen to her. i have to see this as not a battle within myself but as something to accomplish in my self. still things will fall back to where they were at times, but now i can at least know that i have accessed that high consciousness and that i can utilize it efectively. i know the lttle me ego is still going to have her tantrums, and that no one will notice any change in me, but that i will know in myself and that is all that matters.. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Originally posted by zingy again today i woke up! i woke up to the fact that i have two choices in my head pretty much most of the time. What, AGAIN? Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 you will never comprehend what i am talking so don't even bother trying cindy Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 It's just that you seem to have the same epiphanies over and over again, yet you do little or nothing to change anything. A few weeks or months from now you'll be back here posting the same thing again. That's just my observation from having been around here a while. No need to get nasty about it. If you'll go back and look, you'll see that I'm one of the ones who have TRIED to help you and give advice in the past. And if there's any specific advice or questions you have, I'll be happy to try to give mine. Have a great day Zingy! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Let's see, I woke up, opened my eyes, had a stretch, rolled over in bed, got out of bed, put on my fuzzy pink bunny slippers and robe, had a pee, went downstairs and made some coffee, and toast. Gotta love toast with a bit of butter and homemade pineapple jam. Yum yum. Pineapple jam is very epiphany-invoking. Zingy did you have pineapple jam on your toast this morning? Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 cindy i am well aware of what you meant, life for me has been a lonnng and hard journey where as for others they just seem to sail through life with little or no problems. i however, have been on a journey to find induviation, it is not something done over night or maybe even in a life time. it takes several times, methods, and tried to get it right...no one get do it right the first time around,if that were the case i would never have been here to begin with. when you said that i'll back here in a few months you sound just like my boyfriend/fiance. he has little to no belief in me. he thinks that i am the way that i am and will most likely never change. he thinks because of my past history of quitting jobs, with excuses, valid or not, changing my cell phone number, buying a new cell phone when my fell in the water, (he thinks i did it on purpose to buy a new one), things like that he still thinks that i am not going to ever change. today for what ever reason, we got into a bicker about something, and he said that i was soon going to quit my delivery route and house cleaning. i've had a string of migraine headahces for a week now, have not slept good for three nights, so i decided to put a message on my cell phone that i was taking off cleaning for a week or so to try to get rid of these headaches. i never said i was quitting or quitting my route...i have been doing this route now for 8 months..for me that is a record!! sad isnt it? and i know it is! but i get no recognition for what i have done, only what i have not done right in his eyes. that is still my on going struggle..i keep trying and trying to do what he thinks is right for me, maybe he knows me better then me, i don't know. maybe he sees something that i don't see yet, and his words, though harsh and hurtful at times ring true and that makes it even more hurtful. okay...i'm done...i'm going to back to painting the kitchen....ugggh Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 "cindy i am well aware of what you meant, life for me has been a lonnng and hard journey where as for others they just seem to sail through life with little or no problems." how do you know for sure if others just sail through life? If you're not walking in their shoes, how could you presume to know? perhaps it's just that a lot of people here, and maybe ones you come into contact with in real life, they keep their struggles and journeys to themself versus repeatedly broadcasting them. A lot of people have long hard journeys in life, and unlike you, they maybe didn't have a supportive partner to stick by them. Some have to hold down a full time job despite their emotional and physical ailments and excuses. "i've had a string of migraine headahces for a week now, have not slept good for three nights, so i decided to put a message on my cell phone that i was taking off cleaning for a week or so to try to get rid of these headaches." but you've been well enough to post here? when I get a migraine, the last place you'll find me is sitting at a monitor typing on a message board. Interesting, however, that you admit to having a history of quitting jobs. Good thing your boyfriend puts up with that. "i never said i was quitting or quitting my route...i have been doing this route now for 8 months..for me that is a record!!" You feel you should receive recognition for sticking to a job for a mere 8 months? Why is that? "sad isnt it? and i know it is! but i get no recognition for what i have done, only what i have not done right in his eyes." You're a grown woman. Since when should adults get some kind of recognition for doing what they should be doing: holding down a job and remaining committed to it? That's not something that's worthy of recognition or praise or acknowledgment, it's an EXPECTATION that goes along with being an adult that's doing their part to contribute to their well being, relationship, community, society. Do you give your boyfriend pats on the head each day when he comes home from work, to recognize the fact that he works each day? No? Well then why would you expect it? "that is still my on going struggle..i keep trying and trying to do what he thinks is right for me, maybe he knows me better then me, i don't know. maybe he sees something that i don't see yet, and his words, though harsh and hurtful at times ring true and that makes it even more hurtful." Classic victim-mindset statements. "okay...i'm done...i'm going to back to painting the kitchen....ugggh" I thought you had such debilitating migraines that have left you with little sleep and unable to work for a week, yet you're painting your kitchen? something doesn't add up here. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Originally posted by befuddled1 but you've been well enough to post here? when I get a migraine, the last place you'll find me is sitting at a monitor typing on a message board. As another migraine sufferer, I've gotta concur on this one. They manifest differently in different people, but I don't know anyone who can bear to read much at all while in the throes of a migraine. I thought you had such debilitating migraines that have left you with little sleep and unable to work for a week, yet you're painting your kitchen? something doesn't add up here. Does seem a bit strange. Wish I could be that productive when I've got a migraine! Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 me for not having a migraine at the moment. my point about the job is that he is so quick to always point out my flaws and what i and don't do right, but when i do something right he never notices it anyway. it is our kitchen, not mine that i am painting while he is at work, slaving away to supoort my lazy ass. uggggh...you people are imposible, but you know what? i am not going to get defensive nor angry, you are the way you are, and you believe what you believe, and that is all fine and good for all of you. we all have our own beliefs and belief systems, and until you have walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me, fair enough, and i wont judge you either. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Alleluia! It's a miracle, the migraine has stopped. That's super. Guess you'll be up at the crack of dawn in the morning, raring to go to work and earn your keep. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Originally posted by zingy again cindy i am well aware of what you meant, life for me has been a lonnng and hard journey where as for others they just seem to sail through life with little or no problems. Ziggy - You have no idea of the problems I've endured in my lifetime nor the medical conditions that I deal with on a daily basis. Believe me, I have not sailed through life with little or no problems. That's why I give advice - because I've LEARNED from my problems, gotten help for them, and moved on. i however, have been on a journey to find induviation, it is not something done over night or maybe even in a life time. Sorry, but there's no such word as "induviation." when you said that i'll back here in a few months you sound just like my boyfriend/fiance. I base my opinion on past experience, what I've seen and read on this forum from you. You come back time and time again saying the same things over and over; and judging from your current posts, nothing has really changed. Unfortunately, past history does have a direct bearing on what people think about you. It's a fact of life. Until something changes, and continues to change, it's hard for people to feel sorry for you. Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 you either have to be totally related to jag and or lauren. you are as equally as ignorant as he is...pity for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 "you either have to be totally related to jag and or lauren" That would be JAG2 and laurynn. You have to realize befuddled1 is a she...and you're even closer. Eliminate Cindy and, wow, you are really good!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Patty Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Tony,what happened to just a girl 2? Is she ok? Sorry to get off topic here.I just wondering. Zingy good luck with your kitchen.We just painting ours too.Its like a bluish green.Next we might be painting our border to match it. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 okay so my spelling of off. when i said "you are as ignorant as "he" is i meant as ignorant as my boyfriend is. Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 then how the hell does one even get credit for changing??? why the hell bother to change for someone when they want you to, if the minute you slip up, you are acussed of NEVER changing!!?? my b'f, is just like that too. i can not get jealous or insecure for months on end, then one little fricken slip up, and i say the wrong thing, to him I HAVE NOT CHANGED A BIT!! like when someone smokes all the time and their smoke bothers you, you dont konw notice when they are NOT smoking, but as soon as they light up, BAM! you notice it. i don't change for him anymore, i gave that up now. i have spent the better half of our five year relationship , trying to reform into what he wants me to be. why should i keep trying anything for him when i do good, he may notice for a while but when i slip up there is hell to pay for it. so why bother kissing his ass or anyone elses? according to what you said, you seem to feel the same way. how long does someone have to prove to someone that they have changed a negative behaviour? how long does it take cindy? i could leave here for months on end, and come back with some post similar to what i post in the past, and still be acussed ALL this time of still being the same way. uggggh...i feel a losing battle coming on for the rest of my life...better for me to go find someone new and start over again, or better yet, get another dog!!! Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Well, let's start at the beginning. HAVE you changed? Because from reading your posts (rants?) lately it sounds like you're saying the same things you've been saying all along, so I'm wondering what HAS changed in your life. p.s. Please don't take your frustrations with your boyfriend out on me. I'm not him. We're here to help. Tell me how I can do that. What advice are you seeking? Link to post Share on other sites
Heidi2 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 zingy again, all's I have to say to you, is best of luck with all that you have going on w/ you.... & ponder upon the 'what to do next' scenerio... Strive for success..w/o letting anyone bring you down, Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I woke up today too!! Can you believe it? Yes, it's true! I woke up, threw my work clothes in the wash, jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth (yes, I brush my teeth in the shower), got out, put on my makeup, threw my work clothes in the dryer, dried my hair, got dressed in a hurry, fed my kitty, kissed my hubby then out the door and off to work!! Without any breakfast!!!!!!! What an exciting morning I had, ay?? NOT! Link to post Share on other sites
Heidi2 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Originally posted by Jamie31 I woke up today too!! Can you believe it? Yes, it's true! I woke up, threw my work clothes in the wash, jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth (yes, I brush my teeth in the shower), got out, put on my makeup, threw my work clothes in the dryer, dried my hair, got dressed in a hurry, fed my kitty, kissed my hubby then out the door and off to work!! Without any breakfast!!!!!!! What an exciting morning I had, ay?? NOT! Jamie, that ^^^^^^ is too funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Patty Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Sounds like everyone woke up today! LOL Zingy,dont mind me,I get a little silly sometimes! Patty Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 let me give it you straight: i think part of the frustration is that you do not act on your decisions, nor do you give back to this community. you are happy to post your problems, and harvest advice, but i don't think i've ever seen a post where you try to help someone else. i could be wrong, i'd like to be wrong, but i doubt it. certainly the majority of your posts are not intended to help anyone but yourself. if you are changing, show it. concentrate on something besides yourself and how much you have chosen to be victimized by your b/f. consider this a loving challenge - you obviously have a lot of self-help knowledge - use it for the greater good. Link to post Share on other sites
C1 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Obviously she doesn't need all of your perfect people's criticism, she's got her problems, which can seem small to you, but they are a struggle for her. May be nothing changed much in her life, but she is obviously trying. The problems she has are psychological, and changing yourself is a hard thing to do. When you have nothing to offer or help with, at least don't take away from her her small victories however insignificant they might seem to you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 It disturbs me when people berate people who come for help. It's one thing to be frivolous, but there's a different nuance between frivolous posts and posts from people who are genuinely struggling just as there is between someone angry because of pain and just plain PO'd. I like to err on the side of empathy if at all possible. If people need help, what use is it to slang them for it? But then there seemed to be a lot of wierd stuff going on this weekend altogether. Folks have seemed grumpy or touchy and quick to snap. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 zingy, i just saw your post to patty - you do try to help people sometimes, so i apologize. that was kind and selfless of you - i'm really glad you could think about other people. way to go! and keep up the good work! Link to post Share on other sites
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